Chapter Text
Eddie holds Buck for a long time, trying not to let his mind wander.
It's impossible, really. He's spent too long terrified of messing this up, too long waiting for the other shoe to drop, for him to somehow ruin the best thing that's ever happened to him.
Buck asked him not to worry, so he tries.
He lets time drift by as he listens to Buck's quiet snores, his warm weight tucked against him. Sleep never comes. He knows it won't. If he stays here much longer he'll end up trapped in his own head, letting the same thoughts chase each other in circles.
Undeserving. Bad. Sinner. Not good enough for him. Always ruining things. Always dragging people down.
The words keep coming no matter how little attention he gives them.
So eventually he slips carefully out of bed and finds something of Buck's to throw on. The hoodie still smells like Buck, and Eddie pulls it tighter around himself before getting back to what they were supposed to be doing.
Packing.
He starts with the books.
He's seen the shelves a hundred times before, but he's never really paid attention to the titles lined up there. Some seem completely random, the remnants of old interests and passing fascinations. Others make something twist painfully in Eddie's chest.
There's a book about cerebral palsy.
Several about dinosaurs, animals, and space - subjects Chris had been obsessed with at one point or another.
A few biographies.
Physical therapy guides.
Health and fitness books.
History books.
Ancient civilizations.
As he packs them into boxes, he finds himself wondering when Buck became interested in each particular subject. Whether it had been a week-long fixation or something he'd carried for years.
Then there are the books Eddie recognizes immediately.
The dating books.
The relationship books.
The ones about healing.
The books on underground rescues that make nausea curl in his stomach as memories surface uninvited. Buck pale and hollow-eyed. Buck trying so hard to pretend he was okay.
There are books on PTSD too. Eddie finds himself wondering whether Buck had read them because of him or because of himself. The answer is probably both. That thought hurts more than it should.
Then there's a memoir written by a tsunami survivor sitting beside a book on nightmares and night terrors in children. A guide on supporting survivors of domestic violence. Another about helping people through grief. A book on the twelve-step program.
They're mixed in among crime novels, spy thrillers, and a handful of mysteries, but mostly it's knowledge. Information. Understanding.
Eddie traces his fingers over a worn spine before placing it into a box.
He doesn't think he'll ever fully comprehend the depth of Buck's care. The way he loves people.
The way he researches every hurt, every fear, every wound as if understanding it might somehow help him carry a piece of it for someone else.
How good he is to Maddie.
To Bobby.
To Hen and Chim.
To Chris.
To him.
Some of the books have broken spines and dog-eared pages. Others are filled with notes, scraps of paper sticking out from between chapters. Whole passages are highlighted, annotated in Buck's nearly illegible chicken scratch.
Not just read, but studied, absorbed, learned.
Because someone he loved might need him to know.
Eddie isn't sure he'll ever be as good as Buck. As good a person. As good a partner.
But he'll keep trying. He'll keep going to therapy. Keep doing the work. Keep learning how to be honest with himself and with the people he loves. Not just for Chris. Not just for himself. For Buck too. Because Buck deserves the world. And Eddie wants to spend the rest of his life trying to give it to him.
He's finished with the living room before long and moves on to the kitchen.
He carefully wraps dishes, sliding paper plates between stacks of ceramic ones, making sure everything is secure. Buck had spent nearly an hour explaining the best packing methods when he moved before, proudly sharing every trick he'd learned.
Eddie had listened to all of it - because he loves listening to Buck talk, especially when Buck gets excited, all eager to share whatever he’s found helpful.
He listens to the tips. He tries to implement them all. He wants Buck to know he listens.
He’s halfway through the kitchen when he pauses, watching the boxes slowly pile up by the door. He wonders how many more they can fit in their cars.
Then he hears movement from the loft.
Buck must have woken up. Soon enough, Eddie hears him pad barefoot down the stairs.
He looks so soft - sleepy, in sweatpants and a hoodie, hair a mess, eyes still a little puffy from crying.
He’s beautiful, like always.
And Eddie suddenly feels unsure.
He wants to pull him into his arms, kiss him until that sadness disappears, until Buck is smiling again - but he isn’t sure if he’s allowed to.
“You didn't have to do all this,” Buck says sheepishly, nodding toward the growing stack of boxes.
“I wanted to. You needed the rest,” Eddie says simply, shrugging as he leans back against the counter.
Buck huffs out a quiet laugh.
“Yeah. I guess the shift hit me harder than I thought. And I only got a few hours of sleep last night.”
He doesn't look at Eddie while he says it. The way he always does when he's embarrassed. And Eddie wishes, not for the first time, that he could take every ounce of that discomfort away.
Buck steps closer, stopping right in front of Eddie. His eyes stay fixed on the floor, but Eddie still counts that as progress.
"There was a guy who shot himself by accident," Buck says quietly, fingers playing with the strings of the sweatshirt Eddie is wearing. "It kind of shook me up. Brought up... memories. So I was already pretty on edge."
Eddie nods, resisting the urge to pull him closer.
"Anyway... it's not..." Buck trails off. "Um."
He clearly can't find the words.
Eddie rests a hand on his shoulder, thumb brushing slowly over the side of his neck. Buck lets out a quiet breath and finally looks up. Their eyes meet.
Eddie waits. He doesn't want to rush him. He's just grateful Buck is willing to let him in.
"I'm sorry for breaking down like that. I just..." Buck exhales sharply. "I don't even know where to start." His forehead drops to Eddie's shoulder. "You know how I am in relationships." He lets out a humorless laugh. "Friendships too, I guess."
Eddie's chest aches immediately.
“Um… I- I always feel like I’m all in. One hundred percent. Whatever I’ve got, I give it. I try. I love people the way I know how and…” Buck swallows. “It rarely - never really - feels like I mean as much to them as they mean to me.”
Eddie closes his eyes for a moment.
God.
“And I know that’s not really fair,” Buck continues quickly. “To expect that much… I get it, okay? People show love differently. I know that. It’s just…”
He looks up again.
His face is so open, so vulnerable, it makes something sharp and protective rise inside Eddie. A need to hunt down every person who’s ever made Buck feel like he was too much. Like he wasn’t worth the same effort, the same care, the same love. Like the way he loves is something he should apologize for.
Eddie bites his tongue and lets him continue.
"And before..." Buck's voice softens. "It just kind of hit me." His eyes flick briefly away before returning to Eddie's. "The things you were saying. The way you were looking at me. And I didn't doubt any of it."
Eddie's breath catches.
"I knew you meant it." Buck's voice trembles. "And suddenly I realized it's the first time in my life someone really sees me. Like truly sees me. Understands me. Knows me." His smile is small and shaky. "And they still love me anyway."
Eddie's heart nearly breaks.
"Not just..." Buck shakes his head. "You love me the way I love you."
The words settle heavily between them.
“That’s what I saw and it just… god, Eddie, you have no idea what it feels like,” Buck admits quietly. “I never thought I’d get that. I never thought I’d love someone this much and actually have it given back to me the same way. To look at somebody and feel everything I feel for you and then see it reflected back at me like…”
He trails off, unable to finish.
"Buck," he says softly. "I've told you before, and I'll tell you for the rest of our lives if that's what it takes."
Buck's eyes immediately find his.
"Loving you is the easiest thing I've ever done."
His throat tightens.
"Loving you is so easy, Buck. You're..." He shakes his head. "You're just so… you."
And somehow that feels like the highest praise he can offer.
"I just want you to feel even a fraction of what everyone else feels when they get to be loved by you."
Buck's eyes shine.
"You give so much of yourself away. You always have," Eddie says gently and reaches up and brushes a strand of hair away from his forehead. "You deserve that kind of love too."
Buck lets out a watery laugh.
"You're gonna make me cry again."
He wraps his arms around Eddie and immediately buries his face in Eddie's neck.
“I don’t mind,” Eddie murmurs with a small smile, pressing a kiss to his temple.
Buck’s grip tightens.
For a moment, neither of them says anything.
Then Buck breathes, “I love you.”
The words still feel unreal every time Eddie hears them. His heart flutters the same way it always does.
"Love you too," he murmurs, holding him closer. "Always."
⸻⸻⸻ ₊⁺ ༻ ☼ ༺ ⁺₊ ⸻⸻⸻
“I think I wanna tell my sisters today,” Eddie says as they wash and dry the dishes from breakfast.
Buck glances up at him.
“Oh. Okay. That's great.”
He sounds a little surprised.
“Yeah. And I think we should tell the rest of the team when I come back. I don't think we'd be able to hide it even if we tried, honestly. But also..." He shrugs. "I feel ready, you know? I mean, if you're okay with that.”
The last part comes out quickly, but Buck is already smiling so brightly Eddie knows there isn't going to be any disagreement.
“No, no. I'd love for them to know. Well, Hen already knows, and I'm pretty sure Bobby suspects, so..." Buck laughs. "As long as you're ready, I'd be happy to tell everyone.”
“Okay. Great.”
“I should probably talk to Maddie before that, though.”
“Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. You're still seeing her for lunch, right?”
“Yeah. Yeah, okay. Great.”
Buck’s smile never wavers.
Eddie feels even more certain as he soaks it in, all that warmth and happiness radiating off him.
He kisses Buck goodbye, earning an exaggerated “Ewwww” from Chris and a burst of giggles that makes Buck laugh too, before Eddie settles down to help Chris with his homework.
“See you in a few hours. Love you,” Buck calls as he checks that he has everything he needs.
“Love you too,” Chris and Eddie answer in unison.
Eddie adds, “Drive safe. And say hi to Maddie for me.”
It all feels almost too good to be true. But it is true. He gets to have this. Even if sometimes he still has to remind himself of that.
When Sophia calls exactly on time, Eddie sends Chris off to his room to play and shuts himself in the bedroom. He's not entirely sure he wants Chris overhearing this conversation.
The video call connects.
Sophia looks happy, even if she also looks exhausted. There always seems to be something going on in her life these days. They spend a while catching up, Sophia filling him in on everything happening back in El Paso.
Adriana shows up fifteen minutes later, rushing into Sophia’s house like it’s completely expected - because it is. Being late is basically part of her personality at this point.
Eddie smiles as his sisters immediately start bickering. It's nice. He's glad they have each other.
“Did she tell you about your niece's crush?” Adriana asks.
Sophia groans dramatically.
“Right. So she came home one day talking about this new crush. All shy and adorable about it. You know how cute she gets.”
Eddie nods, intrigued by why this has apparently become such a major story.
“It's a girl!” Adriana blurts out excitedly before Sophia can finish.
“Oh.” Eddie laughs. “Wow. That's adorable.”
He's surprised by how normal the conversation feels. His niece is only nine. It isn't some huge life-changing revelation. Still, the ease with which they're talking about it feels unexpectedly good.
“Yeah. Of course Mom didn't think so,” Adriana says with an eye roll.
“Of course she didn't,” Eddie replies dryly.
“Yeah, well, she's actually been a lot better about this since I talked to her. Honestly, it's mostly thanks to Buck.” Sophia smiles. “Well, Buck and you, to be fair.”
“What do you mean?” he asks, brows pinched in confusion. They wouldn’t know about him and Buck yet, would they?
“Well, ever since Buck stood up for you, it kinda shifted everything,” Sophia says. “It was like he opened everyone’s eyes to how we let Mom and Dad treat people. How we never spoke up. How we all just… ignored it, didn’t want to make waves.”
“Yeah,” Adriana adds, sounding almost uncharacteristically serious. “And then you setting all those boundaries with them, making it clear they won’t be a part of Chris’s life if they aren’t willing to do better… it was kind of life-changing, really.”
“We’ve all been better about not letting them just be awful,” Sophia continues. “Not around us, at least. It was kind of crazy, because once we started noticing all the things we used to ignore, it was hard to stop. So we’ve been setting boundaries for ourselves too - especially when it comes to my kids.”
“Yeah,” Adriana says, grinning. “She told them if she ever hears them say anything even remotely homophobic, she’s moving to LA like you did.”
Adriana giggles. Sophia looks a little embarrassed, but not actually regretful.
“Well, it worked,” Sophia shrugs. “I mean, I know they didn’t magically become better people. They’re still judgmental control freaks, but they haven’t made any remarks since, so I’ll take that as a win.”
“That’s great,” Eddie says softly. “I’m really proud of you.”
“Okay, okay. Anyway,” Adriana cuts in, eyes lighting up, “you said there was something you wanted to tell us.”
“Please tell me you and Buck got together,” she blurts before he can even speak.
“Adi, Jesus,” Sophia groans, elbowing her. “Let Eddie talk.”
But there’s a smile tugging at her mouth.
“Well… yeah, we did,” Eddie admits, smiling before he can stop it. It feels good saying it - getting to say he’s with Buck.
The reaction is immediate.
Both of them erupt into excited cheers, making him laugh.
“Oh my God, I’m so happy for you both,” Sophia says, a little teary already.
“I knew it!” Adriana insists. “Okay, tell us everything.”
So he does. The short version - how he realized after the shooting that he couldn’t keep dating Ana, how Buck was there for him afterward, how he didn’t want him to leave, how he finally just said it.
He doesn’t go into details. He never really does.
But they don’t seem to need them. They’re nodding, smiling, slipping in little “awww”s at all the right moments.
“So what does it mean?” Adriana asks. “Are you like bisexual or gay or is it just Buck?”
A tired sigh immediately comes from Sophia.
“I’m gay,” Eddie says with a small laugh.
And he realizes it’s getting easier to say it out loud.
“You definitely owe a couple women some serious apologies,” Adriana says instantly.
“Adi!” Sophia groans. “Do you ever think before you speak?”
“It’s okay,” Eddie says, still smiling. “She’s not wrong. I just had to work through some stuff to get here, you know?”
“I’m just glad you’re finally happy,” Sophia says, softer now. “You are, right?”
“Yeah,” he says without hesitation. “Yeah, I really am. Buck is… God, he’s amazing.”
“Yeah, yeah, we know,” Sophia teases. “Strong, brave…”
“So handsome, good with Chris, and smart,” Adriana adds in the same mocking tone.
They all laugh, and Eddie rolls his eyes, but he’s grinning anyway.
“Yeah, yeah,” he says. “What can I say? He’s a catch.”
“Are you gonna tell Mom and Dad?” Sophia asks carefully.
Eddie exhales, thinking it over. “Not sure yet. I’m not gonna keep it a big secret or anything, but…”
“Yeah,” Sophia says quickly. “That’s completely understandable. Don’t worry about it.”
They talk a little longer, but then Eddie hears Buck’s car pull up outside.
Eddie feels it before he even consciously registers it - like something in the house settles into place, like the air changes its shape.
His smile comes without permission.
“Hey, I gotta go,” he says, already standing. “That’s Buck.”
⸻⸻⸻ ₊⁺ ༻ ☼ ༺ ⁺₊ ⸻⸻⸻
Buck feels good. Happy. It’s almost hard to believe.
Talking to Maddie feels good too.
Ever since they get together, Buck just wants to scream it from the rooftops, announce it everywhere they go, scribble it across the sky for anyone to see.
But Eddie needs time, and Buck is okay with that too. He already gets to date Eddie. Everything else is just the cherry on top.
Telling Maddie feels amazing. He can’t stop smiling - his cheeks genuinely ache from grinning so much.
He tells her everything. How they got together. How they told Chris. How Buck is moving in.
Maddie listens, clearly amused by all their chaos, looking at him like they’re something soft and ridiculous and completely endearing. She tells him she’s happy for him. That he deserves good things. There are a few “I told you so”s in there too, half teasing, half triumphant.
But Buck feels light. Almost unreal. Like he’s floating just slightly above everything else, intoxicated on it all - on love, on relief, on finally having something that doesn’t slip through his fingers.
When he leaves, telling her he needs to get home, the word feels right in a way that startles him.
Home.
He isn’t sure he’s ever had one like this. Not really. Not until the 118, and even that was different.
Eddie meets him at the door with a bright smile and a kiss that wipes every thought clean out of Buck’s head.
And Buck lets himself keep it.
Lets himself store it away carefully in that catalogue in his mind - the moments that matter. The ones that feel like warmth settling under his skin. The ones where he feels accepted. Loved. Real.
Moments where the darkness quiets, not because it disappears, but because something brighter fills the space instead.