Chapter Text
Eighteen.
Steven was eighteen now. It didn’t feel real.
His whole life he’d been the young one– the kid who was too weak to go on missions with the gems. The boy who’d been born into the hollow space where his mom once was. Just Steven.
But suddenly, somewhere along the way, he’d become an adult.
Life didn’t prepare him for this moment. Nothing had. So as he stared at the cake that the gems made with so much care, he couldn’t even feel the warmth of the candle against his face.
He didn’t feel a single thing.
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When he was twelve years old, six years ago now— he’d been in this very room sitting on this very floor. He was always bored, so bored that he felt he may go out of his mind. He didn’t have any real friends. He was a gem, after all. But at least he had his family… sometimes.
Most days the gems were busy protecting the planet. Starved for connection, Steven would run up, grab their arm, and beg them “Please let me go this time!! I found this reeaaallyy cool branch that looks just like a sword, and– “
The moment he felt that gentle pat on his head, he knew the answer. “Sorry Steven, you’re still so young, and you don’t have your powers yet. We’ll be back soon, okay? The best way you can help is by protecting the beach house for us while we’re gone.” And then he’d watch as the three people he admired most disappeared.
But it was okay. The safety of the planet was the most important thing.
And so that’s how he lived. He didn’t go to school. Didn’t see his dad all too often– somehow Greg had convinced himself that Steven needed to be around ‘his own kind,’ somehow forgetting that Steven was half human too. He was just a kid.
He’d always been just a kid.
…
Numb, he looked down at the cake one last time. Pearl, Garnet, Amethyst, his dad… everyone was here around him, smiling like he was the most important thing in the world.
What did that even mean? To be the most important thing in the world. He wasn’t Rose, he wasn’t Pink. And he wasn’t Steven either. Not since he shattered Jasper. Not really.
Connie hugged him over his shoulder and gently kissed him on the cheek. “Make a wish, dork.” She said jokingly, her voice sweet as always. He smiled before even looking at her, (hearing her voice always brought a dum smile to his face,) and took a deep breath. All he had to do was make a wish. He laughed awkwardly, considering it for a moment. What would he wish for anyways?
“I wish... I had a girlfriend who wouldn’t call me a dork.” He said jokingly, looking at Connie who instantly elbowed him. He blew the candles and watched their light fade out as everyone around him cheered.
Happy Birthday, Steven Universe.
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Back in his old bed, Steven stared up at the roof quietly. He lay still on top of his sheets, thinking about his life and what’d become of it.
For a few months after his... episode, he’d drove around the country and saw all the places he’d never gotten to visit in his life. He thought it’d make him feel something, maybe learn something about humanity. All he learned was that his father was right. He was not a human.
He fumbled through every interaction he ever had. Even just buying something from a grocery store was a calculation for him. What expression should he be making? How was he meant to stand? Every little thing left him so self-conscious and exhausted. He hated it.
Steven had saved the world from annihilation many times, it made no sense that he should be so worked up over small talk.
He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. For a moment he let himself wonder why he lived in his head so often these days. As a kid he lived almost unaware of himself. He never judged the way he moved or stopped to criticize the things he liked. He was so free.
When did that change? Why couldn’t he just be normal for once?
Normal.
He paused, and suddenly something clicked for him.
It made complete sense that living a “normal” life was hard for him, because he never had the chance to have a life at all— not one of his own, anyways.
From the moment he was born, Steven was just a form of escapism for his mom. His very existence was a fucking apology tour to make up for the people she hurt— Help pearl heal from the trauma she’d been left with, convince the diamonds to change their ways, help Spinel realize she’s not alone. That’s all he’d been for. A tool to clean up the messes she left behind.
His story ended when he saved the world– or rather, it was never his story in the first place. It had always been his moms. So now that he finally tied up all her loose ends, the world had no use for him anymore. He’d outstayed his welcome.
The only thing in his life that wasn’t built on her grave was Connie. But even she had been roped into it. Traumatized, probably, by the dozens of times she’d almost died, or witnessed him dying.
Sometimes he felt as if he was allowed nothing of his own. Even something that had never been touched by Pink or Rose, simply by him being involved, was dragged into the black hole of his upbringing. Everything he touched tainted by his gem, tainted by Pink’s legacy and the permanent scar she left on everyone who knew her.
Even though Rose was gone, she was never really gone. And she never would be. Not until he was, too.
He knew that. But he was too tired to do anything about it tonight.
He lazily turned over on his side, finally getting tucked into the bed. His back towards the door, he looked out the window to his balcony. The sky was beautiful in beach city. That was the best part about this place, he felt. The lack of light pollution. If nothing else, he could see why someone would fall in love with this planet. It was beautiful, wasn’t it?
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Later that night, Steven stared out the window. Something worried him.
He’d feared it ever since Spinel. Ever since he saved the world from the injector and everything went back to ‘normal’.
He was scared he had nothing left to give this world. No purpose left to serve in this beautiful place that he’d risked everything for. Again, it hit him. That his story was over. It ended a long time ago. He established peace across the galaxy. So, what was left?
He forced his eyes closed and tried to think.
Maybe he was meant to marry Connie someday? No. She deserved someone better than him. She was in college. She was beautiful and smart and so kind. She could become anything she wanted to be. But Steven? He never even went to elementary school. Never went to a doctor’s office until he was too messed up people couldn’t ignore it anymore. When he first started losing himself.
He was better now, people said. Looked happier lately. Was he? Was he any happier? They said that, but he didn’t feel that way. Something inside of him was missing. Something that he was born with, something intrinsic to humans. Something that’s nurtured.
He’d never been nurtured or cared for by a mother. His father was more of a... cool uncle to him than a dad, and the gems were hardly parental. Whatever it was that normal people got that made them people, he missed that. And it was far too late now to go back. He was missing something fundamental and he felt it every day.
The moon was visible from his bedroom. If he wanted, he could go there right now. If he wanted, he could go anywhere, but he was too tired to get up. Too tired to care about the moon or stars. The bed was comfortable, at least.
He thought about the years he spent in this room. A happy little kid who had no clue what was coming. What would little Steven say to him now?
His eyes grew heavy and his thoughts grew sluggish. He was so, so tired. Deep down, all he wanted was to rest.