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Eddie’s parents raised him to be very disciplined. From a young age, he had been good at getting his chores overwith, at finishing his homework, at tackling his responsibilities before he would let himself do anything else.
And that admittedly hasn’t been the case with every assignment Dr. Parker has given him in therapy, but it has to be for this one. Not because he wants to, but because he knows himself well enough that if he even begins to put this off, it’ll just get harder to accomplish.
It helps that Christopher is an observant kid.
Eddie told himself they couldn’t go home until he got this off his chest, so here he is, taking a different path home after picking up Christopher from his game of DND in order to prolong the drive. He’s been telling Eddie all about the game, and Eddie is interested, he swears — after the last session, he had really wanted to know how Christopher’s character would escape the booby-trapped maze — but he’s also thrumming with anxious energy.
His son wraps up the story, Eddie is sure he’s skipping some details, but there’s only a minute of silence before Christopher asks, tone slightly suspicious, “How was your day?”
“I’m gay.”
Okay, so…that wasn’t how Eddie planned on doing it. In his head he imagined easing them into it instead of just dropping that life-changing information then staring out the windshield as if the red traffic light in front of them is going to signal which way to take this conversation. Honestly, he had never been able to be so direct about his feelings before, so those two words surprised him probably as much as they surprised his son.
“Okay,” Christopher says after a few moments, and in his peripheral Eddie can see that his son is looking at him. “Is that, like, related to your day, or are you just mentioning it?”
“It’s related,” Eddie clarifies, “I had therapy today.” He clears his throat. “I’ve been working through it with Dr. Parker, and I wanted you to be the first person I told.”
“Okay,” Christopher repeats, then waits for Eddie to continue. The light turns green and Eddie stares at it until the car behind him honks briefly, reminding him that oh yeah, he should start driving now. “That’s okay. That you’re gay, I mean.”
All the speeches that he had practiced in his head seemed to work better when they were leading up to the coming out part, so Eddie is drawing a blank here now that he’s already said that. “Do you have any questions?” he finally asks.
“A few. Is that okay?” Christopher asks slowly.
“Of course it is.” Eddie finally glances at him to give him a quick, reassuring smile. Christopher returns it, looking just as nervous about saying the right thing as Eddie is, the anxious energy from both of them filling the truck.
Eddie should have had more faith in himself in getting his task done, since now, he’s a little further from home than he would like. They are close to an ice cream shop they used to frequent when Buck lived around here, though, so maybe…
“Want to talk about it over ice cream?” he asks.
“Yeah. I do,” Christopher says, letting out a laugh that breaks the tension in the car, and Eddie grins and makes the next right turn.
“You don’t have to, like, bribe me to accept you, dad,” Christopher adds once they’ve parked and he’s got a firm grip on his crutches.
Eddie lets out a surprised laugh. “I know. This isn’t that, I just…thought it’d be nice. Easier to talk over ice cream.”
“Okay. Just checking,” Christopher smiles.
The store is almost empty; a bored-looking worker from behind the counter puts her phone down when they walk in and a young family sits in a corner, their toddler making a mess of her chocolate ice cream.
Christopher orders his scoop, opting for something with cookie dough chunks, and Eddie asks for vanilla when Christopher nudges him with a crutch.
“Hey, look,” he says, staring at the huge variety of options for toppings. “Rainbow sprinkles.”
Eddie stares blankly between the sprinkles and his son.
“What, because I just told you I’m gay?” Eddie finally asks.
The worker nearly drops her ice cream scoop. Eddie offers her a small smile and she quickly rearranges her face from shock to something more neutral.
Does it count as coming out if it’s to a total stranger? Or, at least in front of one? They didn’t cover the fine details of this in therapy. Eddie thinks it means something, though, that he could just say it out loud like this and not have it feel like a big deal.
“No, dad.” Christopher sounds exasperated. “Buck?”
Well, shit. Eddie had been hoping to warm up to that topic. “Listen, Chris, just because we’re friends and we’re both into men— I mean, not that I’m not interested in Buck…well, would that be okay with you? If I were? Hypothetically? Not that it means he feels the same, but for the sake of—“
“Oh my god,” Christopher mutters, and he’s not looking at Eddie, but he’s definitely rolling his eyes. “Remember how Buck would always request, like, a ridiculous amount of sprinkles when he took us here? That’s all I was thinking about.”
“Oh,” Eddie says, feeling like an idiot.
The employee clears her throat politely. “Do you want gay sprinkles?” she asks, then turns pale. “Sorry, I mean. Rainbow. Sorry.”
Eddie is about to say no, but for some reason, he’s smiling. “Yeah. Okay.”
The employee apologizes again and gives them their ice cream for free. Eddie tries to insist on paying but she refuses, so he just drops some cash in the tip jar and calls it even.
“Enjoy,” she says. “And, uh, congrats? On the gay thing.”
“Thanks,” he grins, sincere.
“So,” Christopher says once they take a seat. He looks and sounds extremely smug and Eddie sighs, knowing exactly what is coming. “Buck.”
Eddie stares at his sprinkles. “Buck.”
3
Eddie doesn’t want it to be a whole thing. He talked about it with Dr. Parker, he’s sure that he doesn’t need or want to have a formal coming out with everyone in his life. He did want to sit down and talk about it with Christopher, and that went well. Coming out to Hen and Karen had been less of a conversation and more him casually agreeing to go to a gay club when they brought it up and the two of them eagerly jumping at the opportunity to be his wingwomen.
He does want to have a conversation about it with Buck, but he’s working up to that.
It’s not that he thinks Buck will turn him down. He’s fairly sure that Buck will react positively, both to Eddie coming out and asking Buck out, but it’s still daunting, the idea of changing their relationship forever. It’ll be a good change, but still, he’s not exactly the expert on relationships, and he wants to make sure he really gets it right, this time.
But before he gets ahead of himself, he wants to at least make sure Buck knows he’s an option. At his next session Dr. Parker reminds him that he doesn’t necessarily have to ask Buck out in the same breath that he tells Buck he’s gay, Eddie can take it as slowly or quickly as he would like, so when he sees an opportunity during a call to at least open the door to that conversation, he thinks, fuck it.
They are both tending to a victim of a car accident, Sadie, Buck calling someone for her to pick her up while Eddie checks her over.
She answers all his questions perfectly, so he’s not worried about any brain injury, but she does have what appears to be a fractured wrist, so he works on getting her comfortable. Sadie is unfazed by the whole thing, just grateful her car isn’t too badly damaged, and she’s even making Eddie laugh. Her own laugh reminds him of Hen’s, which is high praise in his mind.
“Here you go,” Buck says cheerfully, handing Sadie’s phone back to her. “Your sister is on her way. Anyone else you need to call? Any, uh, boyfriend? Or girlfriend! Or partner?”
Sadie looks amused. “Nope. I’m chronically single.”
“Ah,” Buck says, then glances between the two of them meaningfully. “So is my friend, Eddie, here.”
Eddie rolls his eyes. Buck has thankfully toned down the efforts to set him up lately, but every now and then Eddie will be getting along with a woman like he is now and Buck will see an opportunity, although he always has a look in his eyes when it doesn’t work out that Eddie swears is relief. Just another reason to get around to telling Buck the reason he is never interested.
He is grateful that Sadie’s response to Buck’s suggestive tone is just to laugh.
“Sorry,” she says to Eddie, recovering after a few moments. “No offense, I’m sure you’re great, I’m just, like, extremely gay.”
“Really?” Eddie says, and before he can overthink it, he adds a casual, “So am I.”
He’s only met with silence, and he looks over his shoulder, expecting to see Buck staring at him in shock, but he only sees Buck has walked back to the fire engine and is talking to Chimney.
Sadie whistles lowly. “Down bad, huh?”
Eddie groans. “How embarrassing was that? Be honest with me.”
Sadie shrugs one shoulder. “Less embarrassing and more…sad. Did you fall for your straight coworker?”
“Worse. I fell for my oblivious, bisexual, coworker-slash-best-friend, and I’ve been trying to work up my nerve to come out to him but it’s not working.”
Sadie shakes her head and pats him on the shoulder with her uninjured arm. “He seems sweet, but you should probably just be really direct and honest about it.”
4
Direct and honest is good advice, as much as Eddie doesn’t want to admit it.
He tries dropping hints over the next week. He points out the attractiveness of an actor in a movie they are watching only for Buck to spend the next ten minutes agonizing over what TV show he remembers them from while refusing to look at IMDb. He sends Buck a red heart in a text message only to get a red heart and a fist bump emoji in response. He even asks Buck about recommendations for queer literature and Buck starts talking about the current book he’s listening to, but then he panics because his hold is about to run out and he spends the rest of shift listening to it at a faster speed while he does chores.
Christopher is not impressed and keeps asking for updates, which isn’t helping Eddie’s nerves. He doesn’t go into detail on his failures in therapy, just tells Dr. Parker that he is still working up to it, and he smiles at Eddie and just encourages him to be open with Buck.
The day after that appointment, he’s polishing the ladder truck after a call. Buck had been working with him but they were having a hard time getting work done when he was trying to tell Eddie a story about his neighbors and Eddie was doing more laughing than cleaning, so Chim had given him a job upstairs, to Buck’s disappointment, but Eddie just told him they could call Christopher when they were done, which was always a good way to motivate both of them.
Eddie was already anticipating the knowing looks and pointed comments they would get from his son while they squished close together to fit in the frame of the FaceTime, and he wondered if that was the time to do it. Tell Buck while they were talking with Christopher. Actually, he can’t believe he didn’t think of it sooner. All he would have to do is look at Christopher, or his own reflection, or Buck’s reflection, and just come right out and say—
“I’m gay,” he says out loud. Only loud enough for him to hear, as he looks at himself in the reflection of the truck. He hasn’t practiced saying it in the mirror, but now he realizes maybe he should’ve started sooner, the words feeling right as he—
He jumps when something crashes to the floor, more startled than he ordinarily would be considering the very private moment he had been having which has now been intruded by…
“Dios,” he mutters to himself. “Uh, hey, Cap.”
Chimney is frozen, and Eddie wonders what the odds are that Chimney didn’t hear him just now, that he dropped his coffee mug for completely unrelated reasons, when Chimney opens his mouth and says, “Hi, gay.”
Eddie stares at him and Chimney stares back, looking horrified with himself.
“What was…” Buck trails off. Eddie turns around to see him at the railing of the loft, his attention obviously caught by the shattered mug downstairs. “Uh, everything alright?”
Eddie turns to Chim to see him close his eyes. “My office, Diaz. Now.” Without looking at Eddie or even acknowledging Buck, he hurries off in that direction.
“What did you do?” Buck asks, bewildered.
“Uh,” Eddie starts.
“Never mind, go! I’ll clean up,” Buck says, jogging down the stairs, and Eddie mutters a thanks before walking after Chimney.
“Close the door,” he says once Eddie steps inside, and as soon as he does, Chimney sits behind his desk and puts his head in his hands. “I’m so sorry about that.”
“About calling me gay?”
“Yeah. That. In my defense, you said it first.”
“Yeah, well, it’s a little different when I say it,” Eddie points out.
“I know,” Chimney mumbles. “Um, sorry for interrupting a personal moment.”
“It’s okay,” Eddie says. “I didn’t want to make a big announcement or anything, but I do want you guys to know.”
“Oh,” Chimney sighs in relief, finally lifting his head from his hands. “So it’s not a secret?”
“Well.” Eddie frowns. “Actually, it still is. Until I can tell Buck.”
Chimney groans, now putting his forehead on his desk. “I can’t believe this.”
“Sorry that my coming out timeline is inconvenient for you,” Eddie says dryly, crossing his arms over his chest, and Chimney jumps to his feet.
“No!” he insists. “Sorry, I’m really happy for you and proud of you yada yada, I’m just worried about keeping this a secret from Buck.” He pauses. “Wait, any particular reason this information is still a secret from your best friend?”
Eddie opens his mouth but before he can answer, Chimney is frantically waving his hands. “No, stop! Never mind! I don’t want to know. I can’t know any more top-secret information.”
“If it helps, I don’t care if you tell Maddie,” Eddie offers. Based on some of their recent interactions, he’s pretty sure that Maddie, like Hen and Karen, already figured it out and is just letting him take the lead on when to talk about it.
“It does, but it’ll be hard to avoid Buck for the next sixteen hours,” Chimney says, rubbing his temples.
Eddie shrugs. “I’ll buffer as best I can.”
Chimney nods. “Great. And hey, seriously, I am sorry, but more than that I am really proud of you.”
Eddie gives him a sincere smile and accepts a quick hug before they step out of the office. Buck immediately pokes his head around the engine, holding a mop, and he looks between Eddie and Chimney with wide eyes.
“Everything okay?” he asks the two of them cautiously.
Chimney looks at him and immediately spins on his heel. “I forgot something in my office!”
Eddie wonders if Chimney could just hide out there the rest of the shift when the bell rings after he’s only taken three steps. Chimney spins on his heel again to walk back to the engine.
“You’re man behind, Buckley!” he barks out.
Buck’s jaw drops. “What did I do?”
Eddie claps him on the shoulder. “It’ll give you a chance to start on that meatball recipe you were telling me about, right?”
“I guess,” Buck says, and Eddie tries not to mentally draw the comparison between him and a puppy being left at home while its owners leave, but Buck’s eyes are making that task very difficult right now.
“See ya!” Eddie calls as he walks away, fighting the urge to look over his shoulder on his way to the ambulance.
It’s a battle he loses.
5
In the ambulance, Hen glances at Eddie. “Something happen with Buck? I thought Sanders was man behind for the rest of the shift.”
Eddie runs a hand over his face. “Chimney is avoiding him. I told him I’m gay but to keep it a secret from Buck and he completely malfunctioned.”
“Told” is a generous way to describe how it all went down, but Eddie doesn’t feel like going into detail on how it actually happened.
Hen furrows her eyebrows, eyes still on the road. She opens her mouth several times but keeps cutting herself off before she can begin to say what’s on her mind.
“What?” Eddie frowns at her.
She glances over. “You still haven’t told Buck?”
“Of course not! Did you think I had?”
“Well…” she trails off. “I mean, you two were all over each other this morning fighting over the coffee creamer. It was sickening. I just assumed…”
Eddie opens his mouth to argue they weren’t acting any different from usual, but realizes that probably won’t help his case. He closes his mouth and looks out the window.
“What are you waiting for?” she asks. There’s no judgment in her tone, just curiosity.
Eddie sighs. “I don’t know. I’ve been trying, believe me, it just hasn’t been working out.“
“Do you need another night out to loosen up?” Hen teases.
Eddie huffs a laugh. No, he does not need another night of Karen and Hen practically glaring at him while he does his best to appear sincere in his gratitude as he accepts drinks from other men at the club and tries not to compare all of them to Buck.
“Tempting,” he mutters sarcastically.
Hen graciously changes the subject, but when they turn down a few familiar streets, she’s laughing even before she pulls into the parking lot of the same club the three of them visited last week.
“I know you don’t believe in fate, but even you have to admit the universe has a hilarious sense of humor,” she says before getting out of the ambulance.
Eddie does not have to admit that, actually, and he’s doing his best to not think about it. Athena is already on the scene, working on crowd control with a few officers, and Eddie can see her catch Chimney up on what happened before he turns to give them orders.
It’s nothing too serious, the bar experienced a fire and it took the sprinklers a minute to properly kick in, but there were some injuries in the panic, mostly from people who stayed to make sure everyone evacuated.
Chimney instructs some of the others to go inside and ensure the fire is completely extinguished while Hen and Eddie begin to work on the group of people waiting for first aid. The injuries appear to be mostly minor, and he has just finished with his last patient, having wrapped a sprained ankle on one of the bartenders — Samantha — when she breathes a sigh of relief. “Oh, thank god.”
Eddie looks up to follow her gaze to where Ravi is helping a man out of the building and recognizes him right away. Eddie makes sure that Samantha is okay, leaving her with one of the other bartenders, and he approaches Ravi as he takes the man over to where Hen is waiting.
“Drew?” Eddie asks.
Drew looks up, surprised, glancing from Eddie to his uniform to the other firefighters before saying, “Hey.”
Ravi helps him take a seat on a gurney and gets him started on some oxygen while Hen frowns at the bleeding cut on his head. “How did this happen?” she asks.
Eddie sees Drew shiver slightly in the cold air. He’s wearing more clothes than when Eddie saw him last, which is not saying much, but he is still shirtless, and Eddie doesn’t think before he’s shrugging off his turnout jacket and putting it on his shoulders. As soon as he does, he remembers they have blankets, but he doesn’t take it back when Drew smiles at him warmly.
“Thanks,” he says, then to Hen he says, “I’m not sure, I was helping some people get out of the bathrooms, but on my way out I tripped and hit my head. I think I lost consciousness, but only for a few seconds. The fire was out by then so some of them stayed with me until you guys showed up.”
He winces as Hen cleans the cut, Ravi holding a light so she can see better. Eddie takes a seat next to him on the gurney, offering his presence as a comfort, and Drew presses their knees together.
“The cut isn’t too bad, but we should take you to the hospital to get your head checked out, just to be safe,” Hen says, opening some gauze as Athena approaches them.
“Sergeant Grant, I’m looking for Andrew Jones, I was told he’s the manager on duty,” she tells him. “I just have to ask him a few questions about how the fire started.”
“That’s me,” Drew says with a little wave, careful to not move his head as Hen treats the cut.
Athena’s eyebrow twitches, glancing quickly between Eddie and the stripper who is wearing his turnout jacket and pressed to his side, but, ever the professional, she doesn’t comment on it.
Eddie sighs, knowing full well she can connect the dots on her own, but wanting to do it himself. “Hen paid Drew to give me a lap dance on Friday,” he explains bluntly.
The twitch turns into a fully raised eyebrow, and Eddie thinks she’s going to just move on when she shakes her head and says, “Poor Buck.”
Hen starts cackling and Drew beams, then he gives Athena a wink as he pulls off the oxygen mask. “Oh, I heard all about Buck. And believe me, I was working really hard at trying to distract Eddie enough to stop his drunk ramblings.”
Athena snorts. “Whatever they paid you was not enough.”
“At least he got paid,” Ravi mutters, and Eddie pretends not to notice Hen kicking him in the shin.
Athena has a few questions for Drew about the fire, and Eddie really has no reason to stay, but everyone else has been treated and Chimney hasn’t given him a new task, so he has no reason to leave, either.
Drew declines an ambulance ride to the hospital but has a friend come pick him up to take him. When she pulls up in her car, Drew gives Eddie a smile and his turnout jacket back.
“Firefighting is a sexy job,” he says. “Buck is a lucky guy.”
Eddie huffs a laugh. “Not as glamorous as it may seem. And Buck knows that, considering he’s also a firefighter.”
“Is he here?” Drew asks eagerly, looking around, and Eddie shakes his head.
“Not on this call. Probably for the best.”
Drew gives him a sympathetic look. “Still haven’t come out to him?”
Eddie lets out a long breath. “I’m getting there.”
“Well, thanks for the help, Eddie. Good luck. I hope if I ever see you again, it’s as the entertainment at your bachelor party once you and Buck have figured things out.”
Eddie laughs, hoping his face doesn’t look as red as it feels when Drew gives him a kiss on the cheek as a goodbye.
He turns around to see most of his team watching, and Hen gives a wolf whistle before they go back to packing up to leave the scene. Eddie shakes his head, but he’s smiling.
+1
“Did I do something to piss Chim off?” Buck asks later that night as they wash dishes together, the rest of the team showering or in the bunk room after a long call involving a multi-car pile up that they had to rush to right after dinner. Buck had to stay behind again, which meant they came back to an assortment of baked goods that he made to distract himself in the meantime.
“No,” Eddie says quickly. “He’s not mad at you.”
“He’s been avoiding me for hours,” Buck argues. “Did he eat the plate you brought to his office?”
“Oh yeah. Didn’t even suspect the meatballs were vegan. Although that won’t last long, he said he wants the recipe to make for Maddie sometime.”
Buck brightens at that. “Oh, good.” He frowns again. “Then what’s been his deal?”
Eddie lets out a breath, knowing Buck won’t let this go easily. “I…told him something and asked him to not tell you. So he’s been avoiding you because he’s afraid of accidentally saying it.”
“That makes sense,” Buck nods, then freezes. “Wait, you’re keeping a secret from me?”
Eddie opens his mouth, but Buck interrupts him.
“Sorry, it’s none of my business, if you don’t want to tell me, you don’t have to—“
“Buck.”
“—I mean, obviously I’m not entitled to know everything about you, if you have a secret that’s fine, I know I tell you everything but that—“
“Buck.”
“—doesn’t mean you have to tell me everything. You don’t have to tell me anything! That’s perfectly—“
“I’m gay.”
“—fine, and if you decide you want to tell me, I’ll be here whenever you’re ready,” he finishes, turning his head to give Eddie a reassuring smile. They’re standing shoulder to shoulder, and Eddie sees it, the moment Buck replays the last few seconds in his head and processes what Eddie just said.
He drops the sponge in the sink, splashing into the soapy water.
“Eddie,” he breathes. “You—?”
“I’m gay,” Eddie repeats softly. “Chimney knows and I asked him to not say anything because I wanted to tell you myself. I’ve been trying to tell you, unsuccessfully, for a couple weeks. So…now you know.”
“Eddie,” Buck says again, and then he’s hugging Eddie tightly, getting the back of his shirt damp from the rubber gloves he’s been wearing to wash the dishes, but Eddie doesn’t mind. He hugs him back. “Wow, thank you for telling me, that’s—“
“That’s not the only thing I want to tell you,” Eddie interrupts, because he needs to say this part, too, before he lets Buck get ahead of himself, before he can chicken out. “I would like to take you out on a date, because I really, really like you.”
Buck goes completely still in his arms, then pulls back so he can look Eddie in the eyes. “You’re serious?”
“Dead serious,” Eddie says, voice barely shaking. “What do you say?”
“Are you kidding? Yes, yes, of course I—“ Buck stammers. “I didn’t think that— I mean, I’ve always—”
Eddie smiles, watching his cheeks get more pink.
“Just one more thing I have to tell you,” Eddie whispers.
“There’s more?” Buck asks, voice high.
“Yeah. I would like to kiss you right now. Is that okay?”
Buck stares at him for just a moment before jumping into action, hands frantically moving to take off his rubber gloves, but he’s moving too quickly and they’re still wet and Eddie laughs at his futile attempts before grabbing one of his arms and helping take the glove off. He moves to get the other one but apparently Buck is fine with just the one hand free and he uses it to cup Eddie’s cheek and bring their mouths together.
Eddie’s breath is instantly taken away. He’s been kissed before, but always by women, and it was nothing like this. The little moments of thrill he got at being hit on by the men at the club are nothing compared to this. This is Buck, and this is everything he’s ever wanted, only having recently realized it was something he could have. And even though he’s spent the last few months thinking about this a lot, it’s so much better experiencing the real thing: having Buck’s lips under his and Buck's stubble brushing his chin and Buck’s hair underneath his fingers as he takes the opportunity to finally run them through Buck’s curls the way he has always wanted to.
Buck kisses back with a passion that tells Eddie he hasn’t been alone in his fantasies, and when he finally breaks the kiss he doesn’t go far, holding Eddie close.
“Wow,” he breathes. “Um. Wow.”
“Yeah,” Eddie agrees breathlessly.
“We probably shouldn’t do that at work,” Buck says.
“Yeah. Sorry,” Eddie says.
Buck blinks. “No, don’t be sorry, just…it’s taking all of my willpower to not just kiss you until the sun rises.”
Eddie grins. “I’m proud of you. Once that time comes, though, we can go home and pick up where we left off?”
“Please,” Buck says, and it’s a promise that Eddie seals with one more quick kiss.