Chapter Text
Adrian hasn’t moved for three hours. I stare at them and drink in all their details, just as I had when Rocky left, hours earlier, to visit his family. I have to remember this, them. I almost wish they’d wake up. But I’m strangely calm, to be honest. I don’t know why but it all just feels like it’s melted away. All my worries, all my concerns. Gone. They don’t matter anymore. It’s gonna be alright.
I rub my hand over their carapace gently, wishing the xenonite weren’t there so I could truly touch them. I’d squirmed out of bed a while ago, but I couldn’t bring myself to just leave like that. I just needed to remember this. They way they’d held me and told me wonderful, terribly untrue things. The sound of their joy. The feeling of their love.
I sigh. “Sorry, Adri. I know you need someone to watch you sleep. I hope you’ll forgive me being selfish one last time,” I murmur. I rub my hand over their carapace one more time before turning to go. But then I pause at the door. I look back at them for a long moment. “I love you. And I’m sorry.” I don’t say goodbye. I drag my knuckles back and forth across my arm and then leave the room.
It’s a bit chilly when I head through the front door. They’ve been tampering with the night-day cycle stuff recently. I wish I was better at showing my appreciation for their work. I don’t want them to think I’m not immensely grateful. They probably will think I’m not. Maybe I should write them a note. No, that’s stupid.
I have to appreciate that it isn’t terribly far of a walk. If I had to hike thirty minutes, I think the inconvenience would make me change my mind. I like that the choice is easy. It never felt like that before, but it does now.
It’s nice up here. A nice view. I can see my house. I can see my artificial ocean. I can see the artificial trees and the artificial stars. It’s pretty. I never used to be a guy who likes to stop and smell the roses. I wonder what changed. Is that just an age thing? But I’m not very old. It feels like it sometimes, but I’m not. The thought puts a strange, squirmy feeling in my stomach. I push it aside, though.
A reminder would be nice. I think I need that. The nerves are starting to get to me. I peer over the side of the cliff and cringe at how far of a drop it is to the water. I’ve always been afraid of heights. The sight is terrifying. I glance away and focus on the distant panels that are darkened now in the nighttime. I feel kind of sick. I glance at the water again and the feeling amplifies. Right, reminder.
I enacted my plan to distance myself from Rocky so that he could start adjusting to being independent again. So he could have a social life and whatnot. I spent days without Rocky and almost completely lost my crap because I can’t handle being away from him. Well, almost is generous. Rocky did lose his crap, because Rocky can’t handle being away from me. He can’t handle it because he worries and worries and worries to the point of having outright panic attacks. Not knowing how I’m doing at any given moment makes him freak out. So Rocky needs to be with me most of the time. But being with me as much as he is is still unhealthy. Adrian used the word codependency at some point and that sounds probably correct. In the future, we’ll need to spend less time together. Less time than being together every day, that is.
Rocky said he loved me and that he forgave me; I kind of tuned it all out from there on. He and Adrian held me and it felt nice to just indulge in it for once. One last time, only—somehow—without the guilt. They asked me questions. I answered with a little more honesty than I meant to. I was honest about a lot of things, things I usually wouldn’t ever admit. The thought doesn’t really bother me. If it brings them a little bit of comfort to know at least some of what was going on in my head, then I’m okay with it. It doesn’t matter anymore.
It all stopped mattering the moment Adrian told me I’d hurt Rocky by trying to stay away. It was kind of like the world narrowed to a singular point. It’s bad for Rocky to be near me. It’s bad for Rocky if I stay away. No matter what, I hurt Rocky.
Rocky is the most important person in the universe. He’s my world. My entire world. And I know now that he would truly be better off with me gone. I’m not embarrassed thinking that, not like I usually would be. I figure I deserve the right to be a little embarrassing. I mean, that’s the kind of thing someone thinks before they do something like this, right? I’m actually doing it this time. I’m not just thinking on and on about how much my life sucks. I’m doing it. That means it’s real. All of it was real, all that hurt and pain. It didn’t just all exist in my head, it wasn’t something I made up.
Huh. This isn’t as scary as I thought it would be. Realizing what I need to do, I mean. For all of my life I’ve been terrified of this… precipice. I made so many promises that I never ended up keeping. I paid thousands of dollars for therapy and medication and more freaking therapy. All of it just monotonous maintenance. That’s all it feels like now. Being happy feels like something I’m chasing constantly but rarely grasping. If I don’t put an immense amount of effort in, I go through hell. If I do, I get a few smiles, a few laughs, and then back to hell.
I’m tired. I’m so, so fucking tired. I’m sick of hurting. I’m sick of being a bad person. I try so goddamned hard and I’m still a coward. I’m still selfish. I’m still just an egoist asshole who doesn’t know how to admit when he’s wrong, how to back down, when to call it quits. But I think I figured that last one out this time.
Usually it’s overwhelming. A torrent of self-loathing that I can only just barely hold back. Now that I’m here, it’s all burst out and settled around my feet. I’m just left feeling more weary than I ever have before. I feel small. I’ve felt small my entire life. Never big enough to be noticed, never big enough to matter. I wish it hadn’t been that way. I wish I could’ve done something that mattered. Yeah, I saved the planet. Big fudging whoop. I did it as a sniveling, scared shell of myself who couldn’t bear the thought of sacrificing one insignificant man in order to save billions. And that’s such an abstract thing. None of those billions of people personally knew me. They won’t remember my smile, they won’t remember my favorite color, or my coffee order, or how I always leave my shoelaces tied and end up destroying the back part on all my pairs of shoes. No one’s gonna remember what makes me laugh, the first thing I do when I get up in the morning, the things that help make me believe in the good of the world. What tangible mark did I leave ? Who will remember me? Earth was saved and I just happen to have the face of the guy who did it. It could easily have been someone else. I’m sure if Yáo or Ilyukhina had survived, they would’ve been able to do the same. They would’ve had Rocky to help.
Rocky. Did I leave a mark on him? Did I make him feel happy, at least for a time? I know I’m kind of betraying him by doing this, but I know it’ll be better for him in the long run. Eridians live for hundreds, potentially thousands of years. My lifespan is but a mere fraction of a fraction of that. He’ll get over it. He’ll eventually move on. I’ll just be a blip in his life, I suppose. The thought makes me feel some kind of grief. If only I’d been born an Eridian. If only I didn’t matter so damned much to my Rocky.
I still feel a bit bad. I tried to write a letter, believe me. But I got through about eight crumpled up wads of paper before I realized that I shouldn’t even bother. No one wants to read my crummy suicide note. Because that’s what this is. A pretty pathetic end to an utterly unremarkable life. The only thing that will be remembered about me is my face and I have to just live with that.
I take a deep breath and pointedly stare up at the sky. Looking over the cliff’s edge is only going to make me freak out. “It’s time. You know it is, Ryland,” I mutter to myself, scuffing my feet against the rocky ground. I take a step forward and peer over the side again, despite myself. “Eugh. That’s—hm. I hope it isn’t too painful… god, what am I saying, of course it’ll be, it’s dying, you idiot.” I gnaw on my bottom lip and scoot a bit closer. “You’ve been thinking about this for months. Well—not this, but, yknow, dying.” I don’t know who I’m correcting myself for. It’s only me. It’s always been only me. “You want this. And if they had any sense, they’d want it too.” I flex my foot and lower my toes just the slightest bit over the edge. I pull it back almost immediately. It’s rather startling to be irritated with myself at a time like this.
“You’re doing it again. You’re being a coward. Come on. If you cared about Rocky at all, you’d just jump!” I whisper shout, gritting my teeth. I hold my whole foot over the edge but don’t let myself lean forward or anything. I just hold it there and tremble like a soaked-frigid puppy.
This is absurd. I know it’s absurd. At any other time I’d be embarrassed and ashamed. This is incredibly humiliating. But… honestly? I’m just tired. I’m tired. I’m so tired. Exhausted. Breathing takes too much effort. Feeling happy takes too much effort. It’s all too much. I’m ready. I’m ready to go. That’s a wrap on me. I saved two planets and I’m still a worthless piece of crap, what do you know? I figure that’s probably enough achievement for me. It’s more than I ever could’ve hoped to have accomplished.
Yeah, okay. I’m ready.
I lean. Sorry. Just the slightest bit. I’m sorry. Here we go. Love ya, Rock. Painful death in about thirty seconds. Please don’t miss me too much. Here it comes.
… I can’t do it. I can’t. I’m scared of death. “I don’t want to die,” I whisper. I’ve never wanted to die, I just wanted it all to stop, isn’t there another way to make it stop? It doesn’t have to end like this, maybe I actually can grow and heal and maybe Rocky and Adrian actually will help fix me! Maybe I don’t have to be so broken, maybe I can be loved and maybe I can deserve it and maybe and maybe maybe maybe—! I pull myself back from the edge with a frantic desperation.
My foot slips on something. The ground is beneath me and then it’s not. I’m falling. I fell. Over the edge of the cliff, towards my watery death.
I didn’t have to make the choice in the end. Oh, thank god.