Chapter Text
How could the nobles of Gryffindor applaud their downfalls with so much enthusiasm?
Although James and his family plastered smiles on their faces, their teeth were gritted together. While they did clap, their applause was much softer than anyone else's. Their eyes betrayed their rage as they gave a standing ovation with the other nobles. At least they were managing not to create a scene, though. The same could not be said for Ronald of Weasley.
“I thought she would marry me!” He wailed over the applause. “I thought Hermione and I would have our happily ever after!”
James suppressed the urge to vomit as the cheers grew louder. Even the aroma of cooked goose and fine cheeses was not enough to settle his stomach.
“Poor Hermione!" Ronald cried.
“Indeed,” James growled.
The applause died as everyone returned to their seats.
“She was my one chance to escape poverty!” Ron gasped before clutching Harry’s robes, uncaring of the glances being shot his way. “I was going to live in luxury by her side. Now…now, it’s all ruined!”
Harry patted him on the back as Lily shushed him. Ignoring her, Ronald sniveled and cried into Harry’s shirt.
“Show some dignity,” Lily hissed. “You aren’t the only one whose life has been shattered by this ridiculous union.”
Ronald looked up as the other nobles sat.
“Hermione’s coronation shall take place four months from today. This will allow us to make arrangements so the ceremony is conducted with a combination of the finest Gryffindor and Slytherin traditions,” Minerva continued from the front of the room. Her ornate golden chair glistened as brightly as her eyes, a stark contrast to the Nobles of Fleamont’s darkening moods.
“How am I supposed to escape financial ruin now?” Ron whimpered. “I have no money, no skills, and no marriage prospects. What should I do?”
“I hear the priesthood is always looking for nobles with no prospects who are unable to hold a woman’s interest for longer than five seconds,” Lily scoffed.
Ron blinked as his tears stopped flowing.
“In light of this momentous occasion, I expect each and every one of you to consider which gift would suit Hermione the best. Then, I want you to consider what would please King Severus the most. Each and every one of you will present your gifts to them at the coronation. We must all make a grand showing and only give the finest the kingdom can provide. None of us wants the Slytherin nobility to appear more generous than we are.”
A few genuine chuckles filled the room. Lily rolled her eyes as James scowled.
Ron turned to Harry. “Do you actually think I’d make a good priest?”
James glowered at the redhead. Gulping, Ronald recoiled.
“Now, let us all feast to celebrate this momentous occasion.” Minerva raised her golden goblet, encrusted with rubies, opals, amethysts, and pearls. “Tonight must be a celebration to remember, one in which we commemorate everlasting peace between the Kingdoms of Slytherin and Gryffindor.”
The other nobles cheered before gulping their wine and devouring their meal.
“At least there will be enough wine to wash down this travesty,” Sirius grumbled before raising a goose leg. “If we must endure this farce, we might as well be drunk while doing it."
“You know, I never considered the priesthood." Ronald’s eyes grew large. “I never liked the idea of abstinence. Still, no woman will marry me, and priests get paid a hefty stipend. If I save my money, I may be able to pay for one of those ornate brooms I’ve always wanted.”
“Perhaps you can,” Harry grumbled before taking a bite of his bread. “Though I think most priests take a vow of poverty.”
“Have you seen the robes they wear? They must be worth two month’s wages for a peasant. How can they take a vow of poverty dressed like that?”
Harry shrugged in concession.
“I just don’t know if the monastery serves good food. I know nobody will ever be able to rival my mother’s house elves' cooking, but I hear that if you're good enough at cooking, you often get assigned cooking duties. Perhaps there are worse things than living in a monastery or running a parish.”
“Hermione is married to a Slytherin freak, and all you can think of is whether the food is acceptable in a monastery?” Harry snapped.
“I mean, I’ll have to consider my meal plan if I want to be a priest. I already know which monasteries have the best wine, but the food is important too. I should do more research into that before deciding which religious order I should join.” Ron chomped into his goose leg.
“I did not know you had any interest in the priesthood.” Remus cocked his head.
“Mfwell, since Hermione is fwarried to Fwing Sweferus, I need a backup mfwan.” Ronald continued chewing.
James groaned and put his head in his hands.
“I’m beginning to see why Minerva considered the freak the lesser of two evils,” Remus noted before taking a bite of cheese.
“Sadly, Severus is more than acceptable given Hermione’s other marriage prospect, which makes that all the more difficult for us.” James raised his head. “I have no hope that Ronald could ever tempt Hermione to be unfaithful to Severus, meaning that forcing them to divorce due to her infidelity is not a viable option.”
Lily glanced at Ronald, who was gulping his wine, spilling it onto his robes. “Agreed.”
“We have to do something.” Harry pounded the table. “Hermione is in the hands of a freak, and we’re all feasting as if she were destined for a life of unending bliss.”
“Do you think I’d look good in black?” Ronald took another bite.
“You’d look ghastly in it.” Lily turned to James. “I suppose we should begin thinking about what we’ll give the brat and her freak of a husband, or at least put on the appearance of doing so.”
"What could ever be appropriate to give the freak who is abusing my best friend?" Harry snapped.
“Indeed, yet we must think of something.” James scratched his chin. “We need to consider what gift would be appropriate for this horrendous occasion.”
"Why?"
"Because Minerva has decreed it."
Harry folded his arms over his chest.
“Perhaps we could buy Hermione a black veil,” Lily replied.
Sirius snorted. “A funeral dress would be appropriate as well.”
“Shall we also gift her a hearse?” Remus smirked.
“That would be appropriate given she must wish she were dead." Lily sneered. “We can all attend her coronation in black. Her husband will be dressed in the same attire. It would be a sign of utmost respect to mimic the freak.”
“Hermione must be so disgusted right now.” Harry shifted his bread to the other side of the plate. “She’s all alone with the freak, forced to endure his rats, long diatribes about potions, and bizarre rocking behavior. God only knows what he’s forcing her to do.”
“Is gluttony still a sin, or did they remove that from the list?” Ronald swallowed.
“Why do you care?” Harry snapped.
“Because priests are supposed to be sinless and stuff. I don’t want people to hate me because I can’t live up to God’s standards.”
“Trust me, priests are anything but sinless,” Sirius answered before smirking. “They are quite fun in the right circumstances.”
James raised an eyebrow.
“Forget about the priesthood. Hermione needs to be rescued.” Harry pounded the table. “Someone needs to save her right now!”
"Yes." James’ lips curled upwards. “You must save her yourself.”
"How?"
“To begin, she would appreciate a visit from you very much.”
“Yes, but what would I do?” Harry hung his head. “I cannot annul her marriage, and Severus won’t let her leave with me.”
To his right, Luna rubbed Harry’s back. “I am certain Hermione is doing well. If not, the fury nargles would have informed me of her pain.”
“I doubt the fury nargles can travel between Slytherin and Gryffindor.” Harry took her hand. “Though I thank you for consulting them.”
“They travel between Slytherin and Gryffindor all the time. In times of trouble, they are quite active.”
“And they’re calm now?” James asked.
“Very calm, almost tranquil.” Her eyes took on a dreamy quality. “They are at peace with this marriage, which bodes well for the couple.”
"Well, I’m not at peace with any of this,” Harry snapped. “Someone needs to put a stop to this nonsense before Hermione gets more hurt than she already is.”
Ronald took another bite. “Bwut dwat would interfwere wif the sanfwity of marriage.”
Lily raised an eyebrow. “When did you start caring about the sanctity of marriage?”
Ronald swallowed. “Since I decided to turn my life over to God and join the Benedictine Order.”
“Do you think it is advisable to make a life-changing decision so hastily?” Luna asked.
Ronald tilted his head upwards before shaking it. “Worldly living is not working out for me. I have no romantic prospects, and I’m tired of being a poor noble who won’t have any money when his parents die. It is time to focus upon the divine and living in places where I can receive free food and wine.”
“At least someone found their calling.” Lily huffed. “Shallow as it is.”
“There is nothing shallow about the Benedictine Order." Ronald grinned. “It is a fantastic order with a long history with monasteries that have excellent food and wine.”
“Fine, you won’t help me procure an annulment or persuade Hermione to return to Gryffindor. Someone needs to rescue her, though.” Harry’s face reddened.
“I think you should pay her a visit, though you should not come empty-handed.”
Everyone turned to James.
“Excuse me?” Harry’s eyes grew.
“Allow me to send out a few owls and ask for a few favors. By the end of the week, I will have everything prepared,” James continued.
“Prepared for what?” Lily asked.
“For Harry and Luna’s trip to see Hermione, of course.” James clasped his hands together.
“Will Severus allow us into his court?” Harry furrowed his eyebrows.
“If he wants to maintain peace with his wife, yes,” James answered.
“And if he doesn’t?” Lily asked.
“Then we will tell Minerva he rebuffed a visit from an old friend who wanted to celebrate her marriage with some of the finest gifts in Gryffindor.”
“What gifts?” Harry asked.
“Leave all that to me. Just prepare to depart in two weeks' time.”
Harry’s expression hardened in determination. “I will be ready by then. Somehow, we will save Hermione.”
“Indeed we will,” James’ lips curled up. "By the time your visit has concluded, she will be pleading to be rid of the freak once and for all."