Chapter Text
You’re not above admitting that caring for a kid is probably the most difficult task you’ve ever been handed. Cathy is oddly picky—not that she’s a chicken nuggets only kind of kid, but more so that she’s a wagyu kind of one. You just don’t have that kind of budget. There’s only so much money to be made in running the rooftops of Gotham and off-hours librarianism.
When Jason brings up spending the weekend at Wayne Manor (the slight grimace on his face doesn’t escape you), you leap at the opportunity. Despite his questionable parenting decisions, Bruce had way more experience than childcare than the two of you combined.
Unlike the last time when you were here in the dead of night, Saturday morning is relatively lively. Cass and Damian, of course, are staples of Wayne Manor, but everyone else filters through as the day goes by. Dick usually makes the drive down from Bludhaven with Barbara in tow. Tim and Steph are supposed to arrive later in the day. She insists on spending the mornings with her mom.
Damian sees you first. He’s sitting at the dining room table sketching on a notebook, greeting you with a light upturn of his mouth, a broad grin by his standards. “And her ex-boyfriend. And…a small child. What is this.”
“Hey, kid, always great to see you,” Jason says. He adjusts a sleeping Cathy to a one-arm hold so he can spare a hand to ruffle Damian’s hair.
Damian scowls, but you can tell he’s secretly preening under his brother’s attention.
“Hi, Dami,” you say, dropping the two bags on your shoulders to the floor. Jason had insisted on packing a bag of supplies (a first aid kit, a change of clothes, bug spray, sunscreen, all to name a few), and Cathy had wanted to pack a bag too (toys, more toys, and oh! yes, more toys). You can lift almost two hundred pounds, but you still roll your shoulders in relief. “Is Bruce around?”
“Father is in the study.” He squints. “Surely he hasn’t tasked you with acquiring another child of his.”
You grimace. “Well, no, but—”
“You’re here,” Bruce greets. It’s taken you years to be able to halfway read him, but you can tell it’s a genial, if not happy, tone.
Cathy starts to squirm in Jason’s hold, pulling to wakefulness. When Bruce walks over to peer at her sleeping face, Jason lets him gather her into his arms.
“‘Pa. Granpa..,” she mumbles.
“Grandpa,” Damian repeats slowly, enunciating.
“Hello, Catherine,” Bruce says softly, rocking her slightly in his arms.
“Grandpa?” Damian repeats. His eyes dart between you and Jason, and his face falls. He says your name warily. “You let this buffoon impregnate you?”
“Okay, now. I wouldn’t go around saying it like that—”
“Hey! I pay my taxes!”
“No, you don’t,” Damian says accusingly, pointing at Jason with the eraser side of his pencil, “You’re not even alive on paper. And you steal from the IRS. Frequently.”
“That money belongs with the people,” Jason defends. “You pay taxes when you buy colored pencils, but you can’t even vote. No taxation without representation.”
“Theft is illegal, Todd. Not that the likes of you have ever paid attention to the intricacies of the law.”
“You steal from me all the time! You ate my cereal.”
“Okay—” Bruce steps in between the two of them. “That’s enough. You’ll wake her.”
Damian squints his eyes. “Father. You knew of this?”
“Yes.” His tone almost sounds like an of course, duh, but Bruce is far too serious to say something like that.
“The amount of secrets in this family is abhorrent. Todd, I knew you learned much from Mother during your time in Nanda Parbat, but I never thought you would follow in her footsteps and hide your child from the world in this manner. And you—” Damian looks at you, affronted and almost horrified. “To think you would go along with such a heinous plot. I held you in high regard but no longer.”
You blink. “Damian. What.”
“You hid your secret child from us and pretended to break up to throw us off your trail,” he explains. “I must admit, you had me fooled, but I’ll be more vigilant moving forward.”
You’re flaming red, looking to Bruce for help (who seems more than content to ignore you and rock Cathy back and forth), and Jason barks out a laugh.
“She’s from the future, dipshit,” Jason says.
“Dude..” You roll your eyes.
“Jason. Language,” Bruce says.
“It’s fine, she’s asleep,” he waves.
Bruce moves to gently rest his hand on her head, shielding her ears. “Children can hear you regardless.”
Damian hums. “That makes more sense I suppose.”
“Really?” you ask, incredulous.
“He’s too in love with you to—”
“We really did break up, Dami,” you say, avoiding eye contact with Jason.
You’re starting to get warm in the face and vaguely sweaty on the back of your neck with this interrogation. You forgot pre-teen–teenagers can be this pushy. Surely you weren’t like this as a kid? Surely Cathy won’t end up like this? She’ll be a sweet little baby, forever…
“Oh. Hmm. Well, regardless, Todd can’t keep a secret to save his life.”
“I can too!” Jason sputters.
“You left my birthday present in the living room.”
“Of my home. Why were you even there?”
He shrugs. “Investigating. Does anyone else know?”
“Only Bruce, Alfred…and now you, I guess,” you list.
“Hmm. As long as I know before Drake, I’ll allow it.”
Mon, Mar 04 at 9:37 AM
>> Come to the Manor. Immediately.
Liked by Cain, Cassandra.
Questioned by Brown, Stephanie.
Brown, Stephanie: is something wrong
Brown, Stephanie: tim n i will be w my mom until noon then we’ll b there
>> Arrive when you’re able. Leave Tim behind.
Liked by Brown, Stephanie.
Brown, Stephanie: sure lil dood
Drake, Timothy: genuinely fuck you, man
You disliked this message.
Grayson, Dick: Wanna share some context, or…?
Gordon, Barbara: Is this about the kid
Grayson, Dick: Kid???
Gordon, Barbara: Bruce brought home a kid
Gordon, Barbara: Jason’s lmao
Emphasized by Grayson, Dick.
You liked this message.
Grayson, Dick: What??Are you joking
>> [Photo: You and Jason sitting on the couch, too close to be strangers but too distant to still be together. A kindergartener sits in your lap with chocolate smeared across her face. Jason leans in with a baby wipe and wipes her cheeks. Bruce is in the background, holding a package of candy in his hands. Damian’s light-up sneakers are visible at the bottom of the image.]
>> No.
>> How did you know?
Gordon, Barbara: Sparrow was on call that night and I was running comms
Gordon, Barbara: B) And I have cameras in the cave
Brown, Stephanie: yoooooo
Drake, Timothy: yoooo
Drake, Timothy: at least he beat teen pregnancy
Brown, Stephanie: pause he was dead
You liked this message.
Brown, Stephanie: thx dami i can always count on my fellow previously deceased robins to back me up
Grayson, Dick: He wouldn’t have carried the kid though?
Cain, Cassandra: He would’ve tried his hardest to
Brown, Stephanie: havent u read the mpreg fics they write for red hood?
Liked by Brown, Stephanie, Drake, Timothy, and Gordon, Barbara.
Disliked by Grayson, Dick.
Grayson, Dick: No. Don’t elaborate, either.
Cain, Cassandra: Some of them are pretty good. There’s one where he and Sparrow have a one night stand, and she doesn’t know and he has to raise the baby by himself
Disliked by Grayson, Dick.
“This kind of thing happens more often than you’d think,” Dick says, pointing at Cathy with a french fry.
Dick and Cass had reached the Manor in record time, picking up to-go burgers on the way. (Cass even remembered to get a milkshake for you. Aww.) Bruce had wolfed down his food then stumbled back upstairs, mumbling something under his breath about his terrible sleep schedule. You’re pretty sure Dick made a joke about a ‘bat nap.’ Cathy and Damian had moved to the living room to continue their debate on Power Rangers power scaling. He sits cross-legged on the carpet while she stomps around him in circles.
“Really,” Jason deadpans, reaching over to take a fry for himself. Dick swipes his hand away.
Dick shrugs. “Sure. One time I started hallucinating after Ivy hit me with something. Kori and I had a daughter named Mar’i.”
“Okay, not the same thing,” you say, “That’s a vision. We have an actual kid.”
“We’re lucky she came potty trained,” Jason adds, reaching for your milkshake. You let him take the sip, even though it ends up being a third of the drink.
“You would have had to bribe her,” Cass says.
“What?”
“I saw it on an Instagram reel,” she explains, “Parents bribe their kids to potty train them.”
“They probably used beef jerky for you, Todd,” Damian calls, “Like they do for dogs.”
“You know, last week Titus pissed on the couch, so you’re not very good at potty training either—”
“I’m just saying,” Dick starts, interrupting Jason’s tirade, “I think this’ll all be resolved soon, then we can look back at this and laugh. Does Bruce have any ideas yet?”
“He’s doing all he can, but you know Bruce; I don’t know if he wants to ask the League for anything yet if he hasn’t exhausted all his options. He’ll probably have to reach out to Zatanna soon, though. Magic isn’t exactly his area of expertise,” you say.
“Zee’s probably the best option. I’ll ask around too, see if Raven’s heard anything about this.”
Cass suddenly stands, interrupting your train of thought. “I don’t think babies are supposed to do that.”
Jason looks over at the couches. “Oh, shit.”
Damian is wide-eyed, holding a notably smaller Cathy in outstretched arms. You’ve never seen him this shocked. “Um.”
You drop your milkshake. “Oh, shit.”