Chapter Text
The space out here is brighter than it was in the Incipisphere. You are really REALLY regretting saying yes to this plan, as you watch a few Aradiabot’s flit about the outside of the meteor measuring, and Equius hauling boulders to create a loose, lifted platform on the ground, big enough for ten of you. Sollux isn’t going to be able to hover this, even with the help of an Aradia or two, and he definitely won’t be able to carry it all the way to the Earth, not without seriously fucking himself up. You are pulling at your hair so hard you think you might be bald by the time you meet the humans.
“How is this?” Equius pulls you out of your fear spiral. You look over at the platform, now separated from the ground in a jagged, imperfect circle.
“Sure, man, that works,” you say, and then you let your head fall into your hands. “We can’t fucking do this. It’s going to kill us all.” You aren’t speaking to Equius. You’re not sure who you’re talking to.
“Are you doubting the commands of Vriska, my fellow blue blood and your rightful superior?”
“Well, first of all, asshole, I’m *her* superior, since I’m, y’know, the fucking leader.” You hate this fucking guy. “But, yeah. I guess I am doubting her plan, because I don’t want us to all die.”
“While I do appreciate your debauchery in insisting to be a leader to those who are most certainly above whatever colored blood you may have, I think your fear is stupid. Pardon my vulgar language.” Equius is sweating. Sure, whatever.
“What the fuck? Stupid? How can it be stupid? We are on a literal chunk of shitty rock just soaring through space towards a planet that, if what John said is true, used to be completely inhabited by giant reptiles, before most of them were killed by, guess what, a fucking meteor.” You take a deep breath before continuing, “And, if by any insanely small, ridiculous alpha timeline bullshit chance we survive, it won’t be without casualties, because Sollux is going to give himself brain damage and, oh yeah, your robot girlfriends are all going to commit the most confusing mass suicide in the history of paradox space!”
Equius gazes towards an Aradia with an uncharacteristically sage expression. “You said that most of the reptiles were killed, rather than them all?”
“What? Yeah, I dunno, it’s something John told me about. The jurassic park, or whatever. It’s just this island where they keep the last of the reptiles and humans can go look at them and stuff.”
“So that is your answer. Yes, there may be casualties but, like the creatures in the jurassic park, some will make it to an island where humans can look at us.” This guy is fucking unbelievable.
John has promised that he will show you a documentary film about the jurassic park when you arrive on Earth. You wish you had already watched it so you could make sense of Equius’ undoubtedly misinformed metaphor. “And what about when we get to Earth? Who’s to say the humans aren’t lying? Who’s to say that their terrifying adult human lusii won’t be waiting for us to cull us for being on their planet?”
“Well then, if it comes to that, I am sure that the last of the Alternians will not go down without a fight.” Equius pats you on the back, leaving a warm, wet patch on the back of your shirt, and heads inside. Not a single moment of that was comforting; you have no idea what Nepeta sees in him. How can she feel comforted by that huge idiotic lump?
It’s times like these that you wish you had a moirail. You guess you and Kanaya were once pretty close to moirailigence, but since she met Rose, it’s getting harder and harder to pull her away from her husktop. It’s only going to be worse once you meet up with the humans. You wonder which quadrant that whole thing will settle in for Kanaya, or if Rose will insist on fitting it into human romance standards. Or maybe it won’t work out at all – although, the few times you’ve snuck down to consult Nepeta’s shipping charts, you get the sense that the number one all time shipper girl believes it will.
You consider for a moment messaging Dave, telling him your fears and feelings about the insane arrival plan, but as much as you’d like that to be something you could do, you know he probably wouldn’t get it. He’d likely deflect everything and turn it into another hoofbeastshit rampage. Fuck that.
But, then again, what do you have to lose? He won’t understand if you try to act pale with him anyway, not to mention the fact that you’re probably going to die in a few days. And at least you can get in one more round of intense, confusing black flirtation before you explode.
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --
CG: HI.
CG: CAN YOU NOT BE A HOOFBEASTS ASS FOR ONCE AND LET ME SAY SOMETHING?
TG: uh yeah sure
TG: is everything good
CG: NO, EVERYTHING IS NOT GOOD.
CG: THE METEOR WILL BE ARRIVING SOON.
TG: i know
TG: cant wait to see how real my drawing was
CG: YEAH, YOU PROBABLY WON’T.
CG: OUR DESCENT PLAN IS COMPLETE AND UTTER SHIT, AND I THINK
CG: I THINK WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE.
TG: oh shit really
TG: i thought jade said everything was gonna go fine
TG: someone called aradia told her it was all chill
CG: IT DOESN’T MATTER FOR ARADIA, THOUGH.
CG: WHETHER THE PLAN WORKS OR NOT, MOST OF HER IS GOING TO DIE EITHER WAY.
CG: THE REST OF US WILL ALL END UP, IN THE WORST CASE SCENARIO, ON A TINY ROCK PLUMMETING TOWARDS EARTH WATCHING HUNDREDS OF ROBOTS EXPLODE.
CG: AND IN THE BEST CASE, WE END UP ON AN ALIEN PLANET THAT WE DON’T KNOW IF WE CAN TRUST, WITH DEAD FRIENDS.
TG: you dont trust us
CG: WELL, I THINK YOU GUYS ARE KIDS, LIKE US, BUT FROM A STUPID FUCKING BABY PLANET WHERE YOU’RE CODDLED TO BELIEVE EVERYTHING IS ALL SUNSHINE AND RAINBOWS.
CG: BUT JOHN TOLD ME ABOUT SOME OF YOUR ALIEN INVASION MOVIES, AND HOW THE HUMAN “PRESIDENT” ALWAYS TRAPS THE ALIENS OR KILLS THEM.
CG: I’VE JUST GOTTEN AWAY FROM ONE PLANET WITH A RUTHLESS LEADER WHO WANTED ME DEAD, I DON’T WANT TO GET STRAIGHT BACK TO ANOTHER.
TG: ok so first of all screw you
TG: i know youve figured out by now that my life wasnt sunshine and fucking rainbows
TG: rose has interrogated me enough in the last 24 hours that i think you guys have pretty much guessed at my entire fucking situation
TG: and this isnt me saying wah wah feel sorry for me
TG: this is me saying that i know enough to not just trust every guy who pops up in my dms claiming to be some alien like a super weird booty call
TG: and second
TG: john watches too many movies and knows nothing about real life politics
TG: obama wouldnt lock you up or kill you
TG: hes the most down to earth motherfucker that could ever be in charge
TG: hed probably just give you a sick fist bump and make all your dreams come true
CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS A FIST BUMP? LIKE A PUNCH?
CG: AND WHO THE FUCK IS OBAMA, FOR THAT MATTER?
TG: obama is the most beautiful wonderful man to ever be human president
TG: and ill show you what a fist bump is when you get here man
CG: IS THAT A THREAT?
TG: yes definitely
TG: listen i gotta go
TG: john doesnt like it when im on my phone during a movie
TG: are you gonna be ok
TG: im sure the plan will go fine and if youre scared about stuff you should ask jade
TG: shes smart as fuck and she always knows what to do
TG: plus her and rose are alone and im scared of what theyll talk about
CG: I’LL BE FINE.
CG: AND DAVE?
TG: sup
CG: THANKS FOR, YOU KNOW, NOT BEING AN ASSHOLE ABOUT THIS.
TG: for sure man
TG: i was just being a friend
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --
That was so pale that you have to hold yourself back from sending a diamond emoticon. You feel better about the meteor, even though, you guess, you didn’t really talk about it, but you also feel awful. Jegus, having a crush is hell.
You notice that another message came through while you were talking to Dave.
-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] --
EB: karkaaaaaaaat!!
EB: leave dave alone! we were just about to start a movie >:|
EB: ughhhhh.
EB: i know you of all people understand the importance of film-watching etiquette.
EB: it’s such a good one, too!
EB: armageddon, starring bruce willis and liv tyler, who is like the ultimate beautiful hollywood woman.
EB: it’s soooo good, i’ll have to show you it when you get here.
EB: it’s about this huge fucking meteor heading for earth so the government send some regular old blue-collar workers to destroy it.
EB: huh!! i just realised that you guys are on a huge meteor heading to earth!
EB: let’s hope the government doesn’t blow you guys up, LOL!! :D
EB: oh shit, dave’s put his phone away.
EB: okayy, see you soon!!
-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] --
There goes your moment of calm. Thanks a lot, John fucking Egbert.