Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Vriska Serket always had a new idea. And now, on this meteor swimming through a vast, uninhabited cosmos, she’s got another. Probably, in your opinion, her worst, most nonsensical, hoofbeastshit plan yet. 

“So remind me again. Just one more time. What exactly will these ‘humans’ – note the enclosing gestures, to express my complete fucking bafflement – be able to help us with? In case you haven’t noticed, Miss Vision-eightfold, we are currently in the middle of fucking space on a directionless meteor. I must have wrongly assumed that we would just wait around for death to finally fucking take us!” you finish your impassioned, albeit shorter than usual, shitfit with a gesture to your team and a dramatic gaze into the sky, perhaps actually wishing for the horrorterrors, or whatever is god of this universe, to smite you down. 

Oh, wait. 

You are god of this universe. 

Well, you and your eleven teammates.

“Karkat, I will only say this one last time.” Vriska rolls her head forward to peer at you from above the rims of her glasses.

“I bet she’ll say it seven more times after this,” Sollux mumbles behind you, prompting a snort from Feferi. 

Vriska either doesn’t hear them, or chooses to ignore them, “I was told by a source of mine that these humans live on a planet in this universe, and they are our chance  to regain control and relevancy in OUR universe of being trapped floating through space!’ Her smile twists at the mention of control and relevancy. 

“A source?” You snort. Undermining her would feel really good right now, especially while she seems to be usurping you as leader. “What fucking source? Who would be dumb enough to feed your ego with this relevancy stuff?” 

She doesn’t answer you. Instead, Vriska picks up a magic 8-ball from the desk beside her – or, it looks like a magic 8-ball but it’s completely white, with no way of seeing the pointless predictions inside. Vriska grins.

Chapter Text

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --

TG: man fuck these trolls

TG: like what do they even want

TG: hang on

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --

-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

GC: H3Y >:]

TG: bro what

TG: why do you guys keep pestering us

TG: why do you type in leetspeak

TG: dont you know how fucking lame that is

GC: OH 1 DONT TH1NK 1TS L4M3!

GC: 1 TH1NK 1TS L4M3 TO COV3R YOUR 3Y3S 4LL TH3 T1M3

GC: 3SP3C14LLY WH3N YOU C4N S33

TG: uh what

TG: can you

TG: like

TG: see me

GC: >:O HOW D4R3 YOU!

GC: 1M BL1ND!

TG: oh shit well that just about clears everything up

TG: i have no other questions

TG: like i dont even care about how you know ive got sick shades on and i definitely dont need to know how you know that when you claim to be blind

GC: W3LL YOU S33

GC: 1 C4N SM3LL YOU!

TG: huh

GC: BUT 1 C4N T3LL YOUR3 H1D1NG SOM3TH1NG GOOD UND3R YOUR *S1CK SH4D3S*

GC: 1 C4N T4ST3 YOUR C4NDY FL4VOR3D SH4M3 FROM H3R3 >:P

TG: dude gross

GC: H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4

-- turntechGodhead [TG] blocked gallowsCalibrator [GC] --

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --

TG: ugh that was another one

TG: he started talking about sniffing me and tasting me

TG: like i get it everyone wants to mack on with a strider

TG: i know im hot shit i cant ever forget it

TG: jade and rose flock to me like fuckin crows every single day man

TG: i never know a moment of peace cos these broads be up in my biznasty

TG: but i dont need all these trolls hanging off me too

TG: already enough with the girls and you hitting me up for a slice of dave pie

TG: alas as is the strider way

EB: woah that’s a lot of bullshit!

EB: “alas”? wow, rose must be hitting you up all the time if you’re saying alas.

TG: oh yeah all the time

TG: shes all over me

TG: getting her weird gothy shakespeare shit stuck in my head

TG: im writing my next rap its called cthulhus ten foot tentacle dick

EB: hahaha! oh man, i can’t wait to hear that one.

EB: maybe i should pester you more about bruce willis and you’ll finally write one about armageddon!

TG: no man what would that even be

TG: call me bruce willis cos im leavin on a jetplane

TG: got a hot daughter bald head and a lotta fame

TG: nah bro see

TG: my hearts not in it

EB: geez, yeah… maybe i don’t want an armageddon rap! :p

EB: LOL

EB: back to the matter at hand, i’ve been having some troll problems too :/

EB: there’s this really weird one who keeps pestering me

EB: or, uh, trolling? i guess?

TG: dude is it gallowscalibrator

TG: thats the one that just messaged me

TG: by far the weirdest one ive spoke to

TG: well

TG: second weirdest

TG: after the juggalo

EB: the jugglo? LOL wut?

EB: no the weirdest one is carcinoGeneticist.

EB: have you spoken to that one?

TG: i dunno maybe

EB: you’d know if you had. he’s always shouting in gray text, claiming to be like god or something!

TG: haha what

EB: yeah, he’s crazy.

EB: he kept calling me “JOHN HUMAN”.

TG: hahahaha oh man thats fantastic

EB: arachnidsGrip was pretty nice to me.

TG: really

TG: maybe someones tryna get some egbert pie

EB: shrug :p

EB: oh! she’s just messaged me again actually.

TG: how do you know shes a girl

EB: i guess i don’t but i’m assuming she is if she

EB: “wants some egbert pie”

EB: ew

EB: anyway, i need to answer, she/he doesn’t like to be kept waiting.

TG: oh my god egbert go talk to your weird cyberbully girlfriend then

TG: leave your best bro to suffer all alone

TG: oh when will my husband return from the war

TG: and by the war i mean the conversation that youre likely embarrassing yourself in right now

TG: with what is definitely an old bald man hankering for your teen boy knob

TG: remember egbert dont get into any white vans

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --

You push back from your desk, only travelling a few inches before the wheels of your office chair get stuck on some loose wires. As you reach down to untangle the mess between your turntables and computer, another pesterchum notification pops up with a BING. You hurriedly mute your computer volume, just in case your Bro is home; you could not deal with a strife right now. Though you have mostly found the so-called ‘trolling’ that you’ve received the last few months funny, the same can not be said about all your friends, and seeing Jade upset is kind of stressing you out. Jade is usually the toughest of the four of you – being raised on hell-murder island would toughen anyone up – so it’s kind of strange to see her so affected by the insults of a couple of idiots. But, damn, if you wouldn’t do anything for her. Or John, or Rose, of course, but they, like you, seem pretty unfazed by the whole thing. You don’t want to freak Jade out more by pressing her on why it upsets her so much, but you’re not Rose, armchair psychology is decidedly not your thing.

Looking back up at your computer screen, you subconsciously decide that if it’s a troll pestering you, instead of your friends, you’ll ignore it. Probably work on that rap about Cthulhu’s dick; it was honestly a pretty good concept. Plus, if you sent Rose a rap about her lovecraft bullshit with no reason, she might start sending you her fanfic that you KNOW she writes, in a weird, passive-aggressive vulnerability competition.

-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

GG: hi dave!

GG: john says youve been having some troll trouble too :(

GG: …dave?

GG: hmm it says youre online

TG: oh shit hey

TG: sorry i was busy

GG: hey!!

GG: busy doing what?

GG: spinning sick beats?

TG: you fuckin know it

TG: nah i was ignoring messages in case it was the trolls again

TG: theyre obsessed with us

GG: ugh i know!

GG: dont get me started!

GG: im so tired and i have a headache

GG: but i still woke up to tons of trolls being mean to me >:(

TG: the fuck

TG: what do you mean being mean

TG: what have they been saying

GG: i dont even want to talk about it

GG: ill just send it to you

-- gardenGnostic [GG] sent turntechGodhead [TG] the file "trollinducedheadache.txt" --

You open the text file. You are a very accomplished swordfighter and you could beat anyone in a rap off; if one of these assholes has hurt Jade this bad, you won’t just let it go. Jade is sweet and silly and kind of sad, and yeah, you probably like her as more than a friend, you think. So you’ll protect her fiercely with all your wicked ninja skillz.

trollinducedheadache.txt

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] --

CG: HELLO JADE HUMAN.

CG: JUST ONE TEENY, TINY QUESTION.

CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU.

CG: DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY LIVES WERE RUINED JUST BY YOUR EXISTENCE.

CG: DO YOU UNDERSTAND JUST HOW ROYALLY YOU HAVE FUCKED UP.

CG: DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH

CG: I FUCKING

CG: HATE YOU!

GG: what?! ive never even spoken to you before!

CG: OKAY, AND.

GG: how can you claim all these horrible things when you dont even know me??

GG: are you trying to be funny?

GG: because its not working >:(

CG: I’M NOT TRYING TO BE FUNNY. BECAUSE IT ISN’T FUCKING FUNNY.

CG: YOU ARE A CURSE UPON THIS PLANET “EARTH”, AND THE UNIVERSE THAT IT EXISTS IN.

CG: YOUR FELLOW RIDICULOUS HUMANS MIGHT LIE TO YOU THAT YOU ARE SMART AND NICE

CG: BUT I WON’T.

CG: YOU SHOULD THANK ME REALLY.

CG: FOR BEING THE ONLY BEING IN THIS UNIVERSE THAT WILL TELL YOU THE FUCKING TRUTH.

CG: YOU SHOULD GROVEL ON THE GROUND BEFORE ME AND PRAY THAT I NEVER GET ANYWHERE NEAR THAT MISERABLE TOWER THAT YOU CALL A HIVE.

CG: BECAUSE I SWEAR, JADE HUMAN, I SWEAR ON MY DEAD FUCKING LUSUS

CG: THAT IF I EVER GET NEAR YOU, YOU AND ALL YOUR NOOKWHIFFING, BULGEMUNCHING “HUMAN FRIENDS”

CG: ARE GOING TO WISH

CG: THAT I HAD NEVER EVEN MADE

CG: THIS WHOLE GOGDAMN UNIVERSE.

CG: *GODDAMN

CG: OOPS

-- gardenGnostic [GG] blocked carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

A chill runs down your spine; the same chill that you get when your Bro leaves a note out for you. The chill that you get when you know it's time for a fight.

TG: holy fuck what

TG: john mentioned that carcino guy was weird but thats just straight fucked up

TG: and what the fuck is he even saying half the time

TG: like what the fuck does lusus mean

TG: if he wasnt so fucking awful to you id be laughing at his fake alien schtick

GG: i dont know

GG: i dont really want to talk about it

GG: my head hurts so bad!!!

TG: shit jade

TG: im sorry these douchebags wont leave you alone

TG: i know i dont usually say this but

TG: you should have a nap

GG: hehe, thanks dave :B

GG: i probably will nap, im very tired

GG: speak to you soon <3

TG: later

Your hand hesitates over the send button for a moment.

TG: <3

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] --

Right. Now that the being a good friend, moral duty thing is over, you turn your attention to your chumroll. The gray text guy has never messaged you – probably too scared to mess with you – so you search his name up on pesterchum and add him. The green dot by his profile blinks that he’s online. Perfect. Time to troll a troll.

Chapter Text

You are caught so far off guard when your husktop pops up with a notification in the most egregious color possible.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

TG: whats your deal

TG: like seriously man

CG: WHAT.

TG: who are you guys even

TG: you and all your friends

TG: or is it just you like just one guy with loads of different accounts

TG: hating on jade and flirting with john and tryna weird me out or whatever

CG: WHY ARE YOU MESSAGING ME.

TG: i just wanna know whats up

TG: do you get off on this or something man

CG: UH.

TG: oh my god

TG: is that whats going on

TG: youre some freak just hammering his hog to the thought of freaking out some teens on the internet

TG: sitting in your moms creep ass basement absolutely massacring your dong while you type one handed messages to kids

TG: cmon then man

TG: lets do this

TG: lets make this hapen

TG: you want me to talk sweet for you

TG: help you with this weeks long edging session

TG: i can do that if itll shut you up

CG: ARE YOU FUCKING SOLICITING ME.

CG: BAD NEWS, DAVE HUMAN. I DON’T HATE YOU LIKE THAT.

CG: MY HATE FOR YOU IS AS PLATONIC AS YOUR HUMAN LITTERMATE RELATIONSHIPS ARE.

CG: I HATE YOU LIKE A “BROTHER”.

CG: WELL,

CG: NOT LIKE YOUR HUMAN BRO. THAT HATE SEEMS MUCH MORE CONCUPISCENT TO ME.

TG: dude what

TG: dont talk about my bro

TG: and what the fuck does concupiscent mean

TG: hang on im looking it up

TG: what

TG: the fuck

TG: filled with sexual desire

TG: thats so fucked man what even

CG: THAT’S WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE TO ME.

CG: THOUGH I SUPPOSE I DON’T UNDERSTAND YOUR HUMAN QUADRANTS OR HOW THEY INTERSECT WITH YOUR HUMAN CONCEPT OF INCEST YET.

CG: PERHAPS YOU HAVE A MORE CONCILIATORY FORM OF BLACKROM TO BE SHARED BETWEEN LITTERMATES, SINCE YOU SEEM TO BE PUT OFF BY THE CONCEPT OF COMBINING GENETIC MATERIAL WITH THEM.

TG: this is insane

TG: you are insane

TG: i was gonna talk to you about the shit youve been saying to jade but clearly youre too far gone

TG: you should leave my friends alone and get locked up somewhere

TG: this alien shit isnt funny

TG: never has been never will be

CG: WHAT ALIEN SHIT, YOU OBTUSE FUCK.

CG: I LITERALLY COULD NOT GET MORE ALIEN TO YOU.

CG: I AM FROM ANOTHER FUCKING UNIVERSE. A FAR SUPERIOR ONE, MIND YOU.

CG: OH, AND I CREATED YOUR WHOLE FUCKING LIFE.

CG: YOU USELESS PIECE OF SHIT.

CG: YOU ARE A WALKING, TALKING PIECE OF MEAT IN A HIVE THAT I MADE, ON A PLANET THAT I MADE, IN A GALAXY THAT I MADE, IN A UNIVERSE.

CG: AND YOU KNOW THAT UNIVERSE.

CG: YEAH, I FUCKING MADE THAT TOO.

TG: oh whatever

TG: fuck you stop talking to my friends

CG: NO. FUCK YOU.

CG: I DON’T WANT TO SEE YOUR SHITTY, MUTANT-COLORED TYPING EVER AGAIN.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

TG: fuck you man

-- turntechGodhead [TG] blocked carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

Hot, abnormal blood pumps loud in your ears as you drop your head to the desk and start punching yourself. You are probably blushing from all the pitch flirting that the Dave human was doing, so you bury your face further into the desk to hide it, getting a mouth full of fucking keyboard. Why the fuck did he message you out of nowhere with THAT typing color? And why the fuck was he flirting with you so openly?

You sit up, hunched over just enough to keep your face hidden and type the viewport command. The Dave human looks like the others, smooth and hornless, but he wears sunglasses, presumably hiding candy-red eyes. The other humans type in their eye colors and you suppose the Dave human hides his because of their color. You wonder why he still types like that.

The thing that interests you most about him, though, is the scarring up and down his arms. The other humans don’t have anything like this, and it makes you wonder why he is so battle-hardened compared to them. There are jagged silvery stripes on him and sometimes new, fresh ones appear, obnoxiously boasting blood a similar color to yours. He usually gets these after leaving his husktop for a while, maybe while he is training? You watch him turn quickly around, on the viewport, to face his puppet lusus, and his jaw sets as he stretches, picks up a sword, and leaves the room.

-- arachnidsGrip [AG] opened public bulletin board: Oper8tion troll the humans!!!!!!!! --

AG: I’ve set this memo up so we can talk a8out our chats with the human kids.

AG: It’s not transtimeline so we don’t have to deal with Karkat 8itching a8out his past and future selves again.

AG: 8oringggggggg!!!!!!!!

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] responded to memo --

CG: OKAY, FIRST OF ALL, MY OTHER SELVES ARE THE MOST PAN-SPLITTINGLY ANNOYING GUY IN THIS UNIVERSE,

CG: PRESENT COMPANY EXCLUDED.

CG: OH, AND THEY’RE NOT NEARLY AS IRRITATING AS THESE FUCKING HUMANS.

CG: SERIOUSLY, VRISKA, RELEVANCY CANNOT POSSIBLY BE WORTH HAVING OUR THINKPANS ROTTED BY TALKING TO THESE IMBECILIC BULGES.

CG: AND SECOND OF ALL,

-- arachnidsGrip [AG] banned carcinoGeneticist [CG] from responding to memo --

AG: Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh, peace and quiet. ::::)

AG: Now, with no more interruptions from our wonderful leader (hahahahahahahaha), here’s what I’ve been doing.

AG: The Rose human seems to 8e the most compliant, though she’s hard to read. Sometimes I think she’s stupid but she miiiiiiiight just 8e trying to mess with us, so a word of caution.

AG: The John human actually is stupid and very easy to charm.

AG: So, if there are no o8jections, I’ll focus on him.

AG: I haven’t spoken to the other two yet, so any ins8 on them would be great.

-- grimAuxilitrix [GA] responded to memo --

GA: Ins8?

AG: Insight, geeeeeeeez.

GA: I Am Not Sure That One Works

AG: Wh8tever!!!!!!!!

AG: Have you spoken to the humans?

GA: I Have

AG: And????????

GA: The Rose Human Is Smart And A Lot Of Fun To Talk To

GA: She Has Not Beat Me Yet In A Sparring Of Wits But I Would Not Put It Past Her

GA: She Seems To Be Abnormal For A Human Though

GA: The Others Are Not As Interesting

-- arsenicCatnip [AC] responded to memo --

AC: :33< *ac smells a mew ship*

-- caligulasAquarium [CA] responded to memo --

CA: yeah kan fuckin leavve some for the rest of us

AG: Yeah, seriously.

AG: Found someone new to fuss over, h8y Fussy Fangs? ;;;;)

GA: What

GA: No

GA: Oh Look At That

-- grimAuxilitrix [GA] banned herself from responding to memo --

AG: Soooooooo,

AG: Anyone that hasn’t been flirting with them got anything to say?

-- gallowsCalibrators [GC] responded to memo --

GC: C4NT PROM1S3 1 H4V3NT B33N FL1RT1NG >;)

GC: BUT 1VE SPOK3N TO TH3M 4LL

GC: 4ND 1 TH1NK K4RK4T H4S TOO

GC: TH3 D4V3 HUM4N 1S R34LLY FUNNY TO T4LK TO

GC: YOU COULD S3ND H1M ON3 M3SS4G3 4ND H3 WONT SHUT UP

GC: 4ND H3 TYP3S 1N D3L1C1OUS R3D >:D

AG: Sounds like you’ve 8een flirting too.

AG: Can any of you sad, lonely dorks 8e trusted to have a single convers8tion without trying to fill your fucking quadrants????????

GC: M4YB3 K4RK4T?

AG: Ughhhhhhhh, fiiiiiiiine.

-- arachnidsGrip [AG] unbanned carcinoGeneticist [CG] from responding to memo --

CG: YEAH, I’VE BEEN TALKING TO THEM ALL.

CG: AND FUCK YOU, BY THE WAY, FOR BANNING ME. I WAS ABOUT TO GIVE YOU ALL MY INFORMATION

CG: BUT INSTEAD YOU DECIDED TO WASTE TIME GETTING ANSWERS FROM FUCKWITS THAT WOULDN’T KNOW A CONVERSATION IF IT WAS CULLED AND DRAGGED INTO THEIR HIVE.

AG: Okayyyyyyyy, geez.

AG: Sorry or wh8tever.

AG: Wh8t have you found out a8out the hum8ns?

CG: NOT MUCH.

CG: THE JADE HUMAN IS COMPLETELY FUCKING UNBEARABLE. AND IF YOU SO MUCH AS TELL HER THAT YOU CREATED THE UNIVERSE AND THAT SHE SHOULD BE GRATEFUL, SHE RUNS CRYING TO HER CHUTE-HUFFING FRIENDS.

CG: THE JOHN HUMAN HAS ABOUT AS MUCH GOING ON IN HIS PAN AS ALTERNIA DOES RIGHT NOW, WHICH IS TO SAY, ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING. BECAUSE EVERYONE THERE IS DEAD. HE ACTUALLY SEEMS TO ENJOY GETTING TROLLED? I THINK HE’S SHITHIVE MAGGOTS.

CG: THE ROSE HUMAN IS UNINTERESTED IN ANYTHING EXCEPT SPEWING SOME VAGUE SHIT ABOUT “CANON” AND THE FUTURE. I COULDN’T GET A WORD IN EDGEWAYS. ME. AND WE ALL KNOW THAT I CAN’T SHUT MY SEEDFLAP.

CG: AND I KNOW YOU SAID NO FLIRTING, BUT THE DAVE HUMAN IS THE MOST EGGREGIOUS PITCH-FLIRT I HAVE EVER HAD THE DISPLEASURE OF SPEAKING TO. HE MESSAGED ME OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE TRYING TO SOLICIT BLACKROM IN A SHAMLESS DISPLAY. I DON’T THINK ANYONE SHOULD BE TROLLING HIM IF THEY WANT TO KEEP THEIR GANDER BULBS INTACT.

CG: WHOOPS, NO OFFENCE, TEREZI.

GC: NON3 T4K3N! >:)

CG: SO, THAT’S ALL I’VE GOT.

-- grimAuxilitrix [GA] unbanned herself from responding to memo --

GA: Sorry To Interrupt Karkat But I Think You Are Mistaken

GA: The Rose Human Has Explained Human Romance To Me And They Do Not Do Kismesissitude

GA: Apparently They Only Have One Kind Of Romance And It Is More Comparable To The Flushed Quadrant

CG: WHAT

CG: WAIT, KANAYA, WHY WERE YOU TALKING ABOUT ROMANCE WITH HER.

GA: Ha Ha Ha

GA: I Have To Go

-- grimAuxilitrix [GA] banned herself from responding to memo --

AG: Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!

AG: Oh, Karkat, that's hilarious!

AG: You were pitch flirting with him and humans don’t even have 8lackrom

AG: And then you told everyone not to troll him!!!!!!!!

AG: You want him allllllll to yourself, hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!

CG: OH, HA HA HA!

CG: FUCK YOU RIGHT IN YOUR BONE NOOK.

AG: Woooooooow Karkat, I’m flattered 8ut I just don’t h8 you like that ;;;;)

CG: MY HATRED FOR YOU, AND FOR THE HUMANS, IS AS PLATONIC AS IT FUCKING COMES.

CG: FUCK YOU ALL!

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] banned himself from responding to memo --

AG: Geez, what a drama queen!

AG: Any8ody else got inform8tion on the humans?

AG: …

AG: No????????

AG: Okay, memo adjourned. Terri8le work, everyone, really. How hard is it to troll some info out of some aliens?

-- adiosToreador [AT] responded to memo --

AT: uH, sORRY,

AT: aM I, tOO LATE TO SAY SOMETHING, hERE,

AG: Oh my god.

AG: What is it, Tavros? Spit it out.

AT: oH, uM, oKAY,

AT: wELL, iT IS SOMETHING RELATED TO THE HUMANS, aND, i GUESS, iNFORMATION ABOUT THEM,

AG: ????????

AT: oKAY, sO, tHE THING IS, tHE JADE HUMAN IS QUITE NICE TO ME, aND SHE TOLD ME THAT SHE HAS BEEN A BIT, sORT OF, sAD,

AT: bECAUSE OF, sHE SAID, sHE DREAMED ON PROSPIT, lIKE I DID, aND I GUESS MANY OF YOU, aLSO DID,

AT: aND SHE DREAMED THERE MOST OF HER LIFE, aND A “WEEK” AGO, i DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, bUT,

AT: sHE, uHH, sTOPPED,

AG: Stopped???????? Stopped wh8t?

AT: sHE STOPPED DREAMING OF PROSPIT, i GUESS,

AG: Huh.

AG: That is weird.

AG: …

AG: Wh8t a sh8me that it took fucking T8vros to get me some semi interesting inform8tion!!!!!!!!

AG: You should all 8e em8arrassed!!!!!!!!

AG: Th8nks, Tavros, for not 8eing a disappointment to your r8ce for once in your p8thetic life!

AT: i THINK, yOURE WELCOME, ):-)

AG: Meeting 8djourned!!!!!!!!

-- arachnidsGrip [AG] closed memo --

You stare at the screen, feeling the corner of one of your gander bulbs twitching with wound up energy. On the left side of your husktop, the Dave human flashes into his room with only half his sword and some fresh wounds on his arms. He turns to his computer and wipes his face with the sleeve of his t-shirt, smearing bright red blood from his nose on to the off-colored white of his shirt. He looks up towards the screen and you notice that, yep, without the sunglasses on, his eyes are as red as the blood on his shirt.

You slam the lid of your husktop down with a furious growl.

Chapter Text

Fuck. You’ve got blood all down your shirt. It wasn’t too bad a strife today, all things considered. You assess the injuries across your body; a few nicks on your arms, from where Bro’s sword caught you while you were blocking, and some pinkish bruising that's sure to come out purple by tomorrow. The worst thing is your nose which feels pretty broken. A broken nose is annoying – lots of blood, a permanent bump left in the bridge, and, worst of all, no shades while it heals. You tuck away your shattered sword, replacing its spot on the wall with an unbroken one from beneath your bed, and flashstep across the hall.

Cal is already in the bathroom, of course. Sometimes you think that your Bro puts him in here after a strife just so you leave quicker, so that he can have a stupidly long shower. You shudder, knowing exactly what he’s doing in the shower. You’ve seen his websites, and his “films”. You shake that thought away, as you treat your injuries: alcohol disinfectant wipes on the open cuts, bandaging the bigger ones and your hands when they’ve blistered from holding your sword, leaning over the sink to curb the blood flow from your nose, and leaving your sweaty, bloodied shirt in the bottom of the shower. It won’t get washed, not in the usual way, but Bro probably won’t move it while he’s showering and the excess water will at least get the stains out. With a tissue to your nose, you offer Cal a timid fist bump which he obviously accepts, and you swear his eyes follow you out of the room.

You check the messages you received while strifing, hoping for nothing. Your friends don’t really get it when you’ve mentioned Bro in the past and you cannot be fucked to talk to a troll right now.

-- caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

CA: so i hear youre lookin for a kismesis

CA: i got a vvacancy in that particular quadrant right noww

CA: wwhat you up to

CA: i bet its fuckin awwful

CA: <3<

-- turntechGodhead [TG] is an idle chum --

CA: playin hard to get huh

CA: …

CA: so

CA: do you like fuckin guns or wwhat

CA: oh wwait youre the swword guy

CA: …

CA: this is a fuckin wwaste of my precious time

CA: i dont evven hate you that much

-- caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

You move swiftly on from whatever that was.

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] opened a public bulletin board: The troll issue. --

TT: I hope that I have set this up correctly. GA explained it to me but I’m not the most technologically literate person here.

TT: Jade, does this all seem right to you? I trust your judgement with this.

-- gardenGnostic [GG] responded to memo --

GG: if you were trying to set up a memo for the 4 of us then yes!!

GG: its working perfectly rose! :D

TT: Thank you. Now, we have so much to discuss. Is everybody here?

GG: i am hehe

-- ectoBiologist [EB] responded to memo --

EB: oh, hey guys!

EB: what’s this about, rose? are the trolls getting to you too?

GG: hi john!!

EB: hey jade!

TT: Hello, John. No, the trolls aren’t “getting” to me, emotionally, I mean. But I have been speaking to some of them and it seems it’s imperative that we do – inevitable, even.

EB: huh? what do you mean?

TT: I’ll explain. That’s why I set this memo up.

TT: But first, we need Dave. Has anyone heard from him yet?

EB: i was messaging him this morning, but i haven’t seen him online in a bit.

GG: i spoke to him a couple of hours ago too! he was ignoring messages because of the trolls :(

TT: Ah, in that case, we can get started without him. I don’t want to waste any more time than I can help, because, like I said, inevitability.

TT: So, as you are well aware, for the last two weeks, we have been inundated with messages from peculiar internet trolls who claim to be aliens.

TT: From my research, there appears to be twelve of them, who each have unique typing styles, which I am told are called quirks and are something of a cultural thing for them.

GG: ugh yes :(

GG: one of them was typing in a really weird way and it was giving me a headache

GG: i asked them to stop and they went on this huuuge rant about typing quirks and culture

GG: they said i was being insensitive!!

TT: Which one was that?

GG: cuttlefishCuller

TT: Good to know. I haven’t had the chance to meet that one yet.

TT: Would you guys believe me if I told you that they are aliens from another universe? And that they are, in fact, the creators of our universe, itself?

You roll your eyes so hard at Rose’s bullshit that a twinge of pain jolts through your nose. You rest your bottle of apple juice against it. The juice isn’t exactly cold; the beating Texas sun and lack of a functioning fridge in your apartment means that nothing is ever colder than room temperature. Still, the bottle is the closest thing to a cold compress that you own.

GG: ha ha rose very funny!

EB: you’re not going to get me that easily, rose :p

-- turntechGodhead [TG] responded to memo --

TG: rose enough with the snarky bullshit

TG: these guys are fucking assholes

TT: Oh, hello Dave. So nice of you to join us.

TT: I understand all of your hesitancy to believe me; after all, the trolls’ approach has been quite unpalatable.

TG: thats one way to put it

TT: I can promise you that I am absolutely certain that this is the truth. I have been receiving information about the past and future from an outside source.

TT: Jade, if what my source tells me is correct, you used to dream on the moon of a planet called Prospit – is that right?

GG: yes…

GG: but prospits gone!! :(

TT: I understand.

TT: Dave, you owned and lost a server and player copy of the game Sburb, correct?

You turn to your window with a sigh. Rose is right, of course, but you lost the copies in a very unfortunate accident. Above your window sits the preserved remains of a crow in a jar. Sorry, little dude.

TG: yeah but i told you about that last week

TG: whats this proving

TT: Fair point, but I’ll get to that.

TT: Lastly, John, how was your birthday last week?

EB: it was great, rose! i got a sick little monsters poster!

EB: it’s a shame that my copy of sburb never arrived :(

TG: no man that game wouldve been so bad anyway

TG: it got slammed in game bro and you know that shits the most reputable

TG: my bro tried to start his copy of the game up and it bluescreened his computer so we used the discs as target practice

TG: that shits just a million little glittering rainbow pieces now

TG: like the worlds gayest sprinkles

TG: and we all know sprinkles are pretty gay all the time

TT: Your brother’s copy didn’t work?

TT: Hmm, interesting.

TG: no

TG: no rose

TG: cmon

TG: thats so uninteresting

TG: its so boring i forgot what we were even talking about

TG: rose

TG: rose

TG: rose

GG: rose (hehe)

EB: rose :p

TG: rose

TT: I’m sorry, am I not allowed three minutes to confer with a friend?

TG: who

TG: all your friends are in this memo

TT: One of the trolls, GA.

GG: oh they were one of the less cruel ones!!

GG: i still dont understand why youre befriending them though…

TT: Yes, less cruel. I’d even go as far as to say GA is rather nice.

TG: hopy shit

TG: rose are one of these trolls hitting on you

TG: i know youre into the lovecraft shit but getting an alien boyfriend is far even for you

TG: jade we are the only people not stupid enough to fall for this shit

TG: we can get through this without xenofucking some alien tentadick

TG: well stick to good ol human dick instead

TT: Now, THAT’S interesting…

TT: I mention having a new friend and you immediately misconstrue our relationship as sexual. Not only that, but you drag Jade into this, you bring up xenobiology, and then claim your love of human dicks.

TT: A Dave hattrick, if you will: horny, homoerotic, and accidentally flirtatious.

GG: omg dave!!!

EB: LOLLLLLLLL

TG: ok

TG: so

TG: you think the trolls are aliens

TT: Yes.

TT: We will circle back to your hilarious and, frankly, quite telling Freudian slip at a later date.

TT: But back to the matter at hand: the trolls are an alien race from another universe. They played their version of Sburb and their reward for beating the game was the creation of a new universe – ours.

TT: Any questions so far?

GG: you said you have a source?? is it GA?

TT: Well, while GA and some of the other trolls have given me some information, the majority of them seem to have decided to be mostly antagonistic towards us. This is apparently customary for their race.

TT: But, no, the source I referred to earlier is not one of the trolls but someone else.

GG: who?

TT: A God.

TT: Not a god as some trolls claim to be, but an omniscient presence. Honestly, I don’t know too much about him, but his predictions and advice seem to be correct so far.

TT: He contacted me first, just before the trolls began messaging us. He told me that his universe was doomed.

GG: :o

TG: jesus christ on a fucking bike

TG: of course youre talking to some eldritch doomed god

TT: Yes, I know, I’m a goth girl stereotype.

TT: Don’t worry, the Striderian irony isn’t lost on me.

TT: My source did corroborate the trolls’ claims, though, and I believe him.

EB: but i don’t get it. what do we have to do with any of this?

TT: If I’m being honest, I don’t understand our full involvement right now.

TT: Here’s what I do know: the trolls are on a meteor heading for Earth. My source tells me that we need to keep talking to them, befriend them, and help them.

TG: fuck

GG: hmm im not sure i like this plan rose!!

TT: I’m sorry.

TT: I have created a list of which humans should speak to which trolls, with the help of GA and presumably their leader, AG.

TT: We made sure to keep the more antagonistic trolls away from you, Jade, as I know it’s been difficult for you.

TT: However, you are all free to speak to whoever you would like. As are the trolls.

TT: I recommend you try to learn as much about their situation as you can.That’s what I’ll be doing.

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] sent the file "TrollHumanOutreach.txt" to memo --

TT: For any further questions, please pester me directly.

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] closed memo --

You run a hand through your hair, pushing it back from where it flops into your face. You’re not exactly all about this “your mission, should you choose to accept it” shit but you also don’t have the patience to deal with a condescending rant from Rose if you don’t accept. If your assigned trolls are the juggalo and shit like that, this might be alright, funny even. You cross your fingers and pray to ICP and all the fucking faygo in the world as you open the text file.

TrollHumanOutreach.txt

tentacleTherapist [TT]:

apocalypseArisen [AA]

grimAuxilitrix [GA]

caligulasAquarium [CA]

---------

ectoBiologist [EB]:

twinArmageddons [TA]

arachnidsGrip [AG]

centaursTesticle [CT]

--------

gardenGnostic [GG]:

adiosToreador [AT]

arsenicCatnip [AC]

cuttlefishCuller [CC]

---------

turntechGodhead [TG]:

gallowsCallibrator [GC]

terminallyCapricious [TC]

carcinoGeneticist [CG]

--------

Shit.

At least you got the juggalo.

Chapter Text

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling grimAuxilitrix [GA] --

CG: KANAYA.

CG: KANAYA, PLEASE.

CG: PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME TALK TO THE DAVE HUMAN. HE MAKES MY SPONGE FEEL LIKE IT’S BEING TORN APART.

CG: I AM BEGGING ON MY FUCKING FRONDS HERE, KANAYA. I AM PROSTRATING MYSELF IN FRONT OF YOU, AT YOUR MERCY. I WILL GIVE UP WHAT LITTLE DIGNITY I HAVE LEFT AND CRAWL ACROSS THIS GRUBFISTED LAB TO LAY BENEATH YOU AND CRY LIKE A WRIGGLER, IF THAT’S WHAT IT TAKES.

CG: HAVEN’T I EMBARRASSED MYSELF ENOUGH?

GA: I Really Have No Say In The Matter

GA: Vriska And Rose Decided On These Groupings

GA: I Merely Transcribed The Note And Offered Some Recommendations

GA: You Could Ask Vriska But I Doubt She Would Change It

CG: ROSE? FUCKING HELL, KANAYA.

GA: …

CG: WHATEVER. I WON’T TALK TO HIM. I’M THE GRUBFUCKING LEADER. VRISKA CAN’T MAKE ME DO ANYTHING.

GA: I Believe That She Will Disagree With That

CG: DISAGREE WITH WHAT? THAT SHE CAN’T MAKE ME DO ANYTHING OR THAT I’M THE LEADER?

GA: Good Question

GA: Perhaps Both

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling grimAuxilitrix [GA] --

You turn away from your husktop, prepared to flip your fucking pan at Vriska. Your status as leader throughout Sgrub led you to a clean win and the creation of a whole fucking universe. What did Vriska do during the game? Harass Tavros and die? You don’t know, you barely even saw her. You were the reason that the two teams rallied together and even had a chance to kill the Dersite King and Queen. Yeah, Vriska may have landed the final blow but that was after Gamzee had really fucked them up already; anyone could’ve gotten that kill.

You survey the lab. Most people are shitting about on their husktops, probably talking to their courtblock mandated humans. You spot lines of cherry red text on Terezi’s teal-tinted, slobbery screen – ugh, she probably loves that he types in that delicious color. Gamzee is honking up a storm in his horn pile; at least someone else seems as uninterested as you are in these humans. Across the room, the tips of Kanaya’s ears are tinted with a less-than-subtle green blush while she stares intently at the human on her screen, and Sollux appears to be on tech duty, setting up Eridan’s viewport as they bicker loudly. Nepeta isn’t in the lab, likely updating her shipping wall with the additions of the humans. You shudder to think of the quadrants she’s slapping you into after your outburst in the memo. There’s a slight comfort in knowing that she won’t be putting you in the flushed quadrant with any of them, due to her uncomfortable flushcrush on you.

Vriska is giggling maniacally at the blue text stripes on her husktop (does she giggle any way other than maniacally?). She stops as you stomp over, sensing you with her vision eightfold, and turns to face you with a shit-eating grin.

“Heyyyyyyyy Karkat,” she purrs, sounding like the meowbeast who got the grubsauce. “Is everything okay, oh gracious leader?”

You hold yourself back from immediately throwing a tantrum. “I don’t want to be paired up with the Dave human.”

“Are you asking me for permission to swap with someone? I thought you were in charge here.” Her voice is sickly sweet and it makes you feel ridiculous for even asking.

“Cut the shit, Vriska. You aren’t the fucking leader here. Last time I checked, which, by the way, was right fucking now, I was making the plans in sgrub, and I’m still making plans on this piece of shit meteor. I’m the plan guy, I’ve got plans up to my fucking nubs. My name may as well be Karkat Plan-tas with all the plans I’ve got bubbling on my crisprange,” you steer yourself away from that tangent. “Do your dumb fucking pyjamas make you braindead? Do you think I give a single grubfisted fuck who you want me to talk to? I will troll whoever I fucking please and I won’t take shit from a shithive bitch in an ugly orange dress!” You stomp a foot on the floor to punctuate your rant.

Vriska starts to laugh. Of course she does. Glitter falls from her barkgnome-esque wings as her shoulders shake. “Oh, Karkat! I don’t care about who you troll and I don’t care about being the leader. I only did this because you,” she stands up from her chair, takes a step toward you and prods a claw at your chest, “had stopped doing anything about our pointless existence. If it’d calm you down, we can work together on this, and you can keep your oh-so-important role as leader? Sound better?” She holds a hand out to you.

You blink, incredulously. You didn’t expect her to back down so quickly. “Uh,” you start dumbly, “So I don’t need to speak to the Dave human?” God, you sound fucking stupid.

“No, Karkat,” she smirks, “unless you want to.” Vriska fucking winks at you with her single-pupilled eye, the other eight pupils twinkling.

“Fine.” You place your frond nub into hers and shake it forcefully. “But I get to be informed of all your schemes first.”

The grin returns to her face, “Sure. And you’ve got to tell me about aaaaaaaall these plans you’ve got going on, too.” Yeah, she saw right through your hoofbeastshit blustering about plans.

You let out a strangled, frustrated scream as you trudge back to your husktop. You come to the realisation, as you sit down, that Vriska just made you her co-leader. Maybe even her second in command.

FUCK.

-- began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

[Hello.]

What the fuck? There is a notification light blinking on your trollian account but no message. You refresh and still no message appears. You try typing something in the chatbox.

CG: WHAT THE FUCK.

[Hello, Mr Vantas. It appears that I may be waiting a short while for you to read my messages.

That’s okay.

I have the time.

I have all the time in the universe and I am a very patient man.]

Still no message, yet the notification light taunts you once again. You call over to Sollux, who breathes a sigh of relief to be free of Eridan’s pitchflirting attempts.

“What’s up, man?” Sollux psiionically floats a can of TAB over for each of you. You hate that disgusting liquid sugar but you crack it open anyway, swearing loudly as you cut your point stub on the sharp metal lid. You hastily jam the wound into your mouth to hide the drop of blood it produces.

“Fuck if I know,” you say, your words muffled around the stub in your mouth. “It’s saying I’ve been trolled but I can’t see anything in the chatbox.”

Sollux fucks around with your trollian application for a minute, repeating the same things you did; refresh, close the page, open the page. It pisses you off; does he think you’re stupid enough to call him over without trying that first?

CG: ii2 2omeone there?

[Oh, Mr Captor, so nice of you to join us.]

“What the fuck?” Sollux grumbles under his breath. He tries to open the viewport, to no avail – concluding to himself that it can’t be a human. He opens the trollian application’s code and types a few things in that you’d maybe have understood not too long ago, back when you and he would code together, but it no longer makes sense to you. Not that it ever really made much sense to you back then, either.

Suddenly, Sollux gasps, “Ohh! Oh shit, I get it now!” He laughs a little too hard , as if the fucking computer told a joke. He suddenly highlights the blank page to reveal text.

Oh. You get it. This fucking joker types in white. What an asshole.

You slide back into your chair, forcing Sollux off it. You aren’t even sure how he stole your seat without you noticing.

“Not even a thanks?” Sollux tuts as he begins to walk away. You flip him off, and he returns the favor with both his middle fingers. You snort. He gets you.

CG: HEY, ASSHOLE.

CG: WHO ARE YOU?

CG: DON’T YOU KNOW HOW FUCKING ANNOYING IT IS TO HIGHLIGHT THE WHOLE PAGE?

[Ah, finally. Though my time is unlimited, I was beginning to get thoroughly bored with waiting.

As for who I am, let’s just say that I am what you’d call an informant. An anonymous benefactor. A source, if you will.]

Oh. Is this Vriska’s source? This pompous nookwhiff? Some twisted part of you is pleased to be involved in whatever this shit is, but the rest of you has this uneasy feeling that you can’t quite place.

CG: WELL.

CG: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

CG: I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS SHIT.

[I’d just like to offer some friendly advice.

You really should talk to the humans.]

You snort sharply, flexing your hands in preparation to chew this guy out in the shitfit to end all shitfits.

[You really should talk to Dave.]

Argh, fuck this.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] blocked --

Chapter Text

-- terminallyCapricious [TC] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

TC: wHaT iS tHe mOtHeRfUcKiNg NoIsE?

TC: mY gOoD sIs KaNaYa TeLlS mE wE gOtTa Be AlL uP aNd MaKiNg FrIeNdS wItH yOu AlIeN mOtHeRfUcKeRs.

TG: yes

TG: hell yes

TG: hell fucking yes

TC: YeSsS bRo :o)

TC: I dOn’T kNoW wHy We’Re AlL yEsSiNg BuT i LoVe ThE mOtHeRfUcKiNg EnThUsIaSm.

TG: hahahaha

TG: youre my favorite troll man

TC: AwWw FuCk MaN, yOuRe My FaVoRiTe HuMaN!!

TC: iTs A mOtHeRfUcKiNg MiRaClE tHaT wE bE gEtTiNg To AlL tAlK tO eAcH oThEr AnD sHiT.

TG: dont i know it

TG: so you just said kanaya told you to talk to me

TG: is that someones name

TC: i DiD? fUcK yEaH, mAn.

TG: i never even thought about you guys having names

TG: whats yours

TC: GaMzEe.

TC: HoNk!

TC: WaIt, FuCk

TC: HoNk IsN’T mY mOtHeRfUcKiNg NaMe, It’S jUsT i GoT aLl ThEsE hOnKhOrNs, YoU kNoW?

TC: iT’s GaMzEe MaKaRa.

TG: hahaha awesome

TG: of course its some alien shit like that

TG: aliens are never just like yeah my name is fuckin stuart smith

TG: always gotta be loaded up to the dick with zs and qs

TG: more xs than our puny human throats can deal with

TC: ThAnKs, BrO :o)

TC: iF wE’rE bEiNg AlL mOtHeRfUcKiNg pOlItE aNd ShIt,WhAt’S yOuR nAmE?

TG: dave strider

TG: the one and only

TC: yEaH iT iS mAn!!

TC: MaN, i DoN’t KnOw WhY kArKaT dOeSn’T wAnNa TaLk To YoU.

TC: yOu’Re AlL cHiLl As A mOtHeRfUcKeR iN a ThErMaL hUlL.

TG: truer words have never been spoken my friend

TG: whos karkat

TG: is that cg

TC: yEaH, tHaTs HiM!!

TC: hE’s OnLy My BeSt MoThErFuCkInG fRiEnD.

TC: i JuSt NeEd My BeSt TrOlL bRo AnD mY bEsT hUmAn BrO tO gEt To AlL mOtHeRfUcKiNg GeTtInG aLoNg :o(

TG: well shit

TG: dont get all sad clown on me about this

TG: i tried to get him to stop being such a dick but he said some insane shit

TG: hes got more twists in his knickers than ive got sick fires in my fingers

TC: wOaHhHh BrO.

TC: wOaH.

TC: dO yOu FuCkIn SlAm?

TG: uh

TC: WoUlD yOu WaNnA mAyBe

TC: SpIt ThE sIcKeSt Of MoThErFuCkInG fIrEs WiTh Me?

TG: holy fuck

You then proceed to have one of the best rap-offs of all time. Well, maybe it’d be pretty lame to anyone watching, but, fuck, you love this juggalo.

You look back to Rose’s list of the world’s most fucked up exchange program. There’s no chance you’re talking to CG – Karkat, you guess – again. What the fuck sort of an alien name is that? That’s literally just two earth objects: Car Cat. The other name by yours on Rose’s list is that creepy one with the apparent red fetish. You suppose you could talk to him again, he wasn’t all that bad, just weird. And he might have a good alien name.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] unblocked gallowsCalibrator [GC]

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] --

TG: sup

TG: whats your name

TG: better be freaky and hard to pronounce

TG: i like my aliens the old fashioned way

GC: SUP D4V3 HUM4N

TG: no man stop with the dave human bullshit

TG: its just dave

GC: OK4Y JUST D4V3

GC: 1TS T3R3Z1 >:)

TG: what

GC: MY N4M3!

TG: terezi

TG: perfect omg

TG: exactly what i wanna see

TG: just a weird fuckin jumble of letters with a z stuffed in there for good measure

GC: WOW D4V3 1M FL4TT3R3D YOU L1K3 MY N4M3

GC: 4N 4L13NS OP1N1ON ON MY N4M3 M4TT3RS SOOO MUCH TO M3 >;P

GC: FOR TH3 R3CORD YOUR N4M3 1S W31RD TO M3 TOO

GC: 1 M34N ONLY FOUR L3TT3RS?! HOW 3XOT1C!

TG: man i cant figure you out

GC: >:?

TG: i mean

TG: the other trolls i gotta speak to are like the asshole angry guy and the hilarious clown guy

TG: but what are you

TG: the weird guy who licks his computer

TG: thats not ever been a thing

TG: and i cant call you the apparently blind guy

TG: coz that just feels offensive

GC: 1M NOT 4 GUY 4T 4LL

TG: oh shit my bad

GC: 4ND DON’T YOU TH1NK 1TS OFF3NS1V3 TO N4RROW US 4LL DOWN TO ON3 TH1NG?

GC: 1M MOR3 TH4N JUST 4 BL1ND G1RL

GC: K4RK4TS MOR3 TH4N JUST 4N 4SSHOL3

GC: (BUT HON3STLY YOU GOT G4MZ33 SPOT ON)

TG: huh i guess

GC: HOW WOULD YOU L1K3 1T 1F 1 ST4RT3D C4LL1NG YOU TH3 FUNNY HUM4N COOLK1D?

TG: no man

TG: see

TG: that would be awesome

TG: and completely factual

TG: in fact

TG: if you could spread that around

TG: try to get more people on board

TG: thatd be great

GC: D4V3

GC: 1 W4S TRY1NG TO M4K3 4 PO1NT THERE

TG: and it was a great point

TG: i am funny and cool

TG: thanks terezi

GC: BLUH >:P

GC: WHY H4V3NT YOU GOT YOUR SH4D3S ON R1GHT NOW?

GC: 1 THOUGHT YOU H4V3 TO W34R TH3M TO H1D3 YOUR 3Y3 COLOR

GC: WONT TH3 CULL1NG DRON3S COM3 FOR YOU?

TG: ill answer your questions with a question

TG: what the fuck did any of that even mean

TG: and how can you see me

TG: or i guess smell me

TG: sorry

GC: W3 H4V3 F4R MOR3 4DV4NC3D T3CHNOLOGY TH4N YOU 4ND OUR H4CK3R GUY H4S S3T UP V13WPORTS SO TH4T W3 C4N S33 YOU

GC: OR 1N MY C4S3 SO TH4T 1 C4N SM3LL YOU

TG: thats not creepy at all

TG: you better not watch me changing

GC: 1 C4NT PROM1S3 4NYTH1NG >;)

TG: uh

GC: SO WH3R3 4R3 YOUR SH4D3S?

TG: well see

TG: i broke my nose

TG: do you guys know what a nose is do you even have noses

GC: Y3S D4V3 1 H4V3 4 SN1FF NUB

TG: oh shit yeah duh you use smellyvision

TG: im waiting for my nose to heal before i wear them again

TG: i dont wear them to hide my eye color thatd be dumb

TG: i wear them coz theyre sick and ironic and john got me them and theyve touched ben stillers weird sort of gaunt face

GC: L1K3 TROLL B3N ST1LL3R >:?

TG: jesus christ what

TG: yeah sure

TG: i guess ben stiller is a universal constant

GC: HMM

GC: B4CK ON 4LT3RN14 YOUD H4V3 B33N HUNT3D 4ND K1LL3D FOR H4V1NG 3Y3S TH4T COLOR 4S 4N 4DULT TROLL

GC: 4ND TYP1NG 1N 1T TOO

TG: what the fuck why

GC: B3C4US3 1TS 4 MUT4NT BLOOD COLOR

TG: its sort of a mutant eye color on earth

TG: i dont know anyone else with red eyes

TG: but all humans have red blood

GC: WH4T! >:O

GC: 1 C4NT W41T TO G3T TO TH1S M4G1C4L L4ND WH3R3 NO ON3 G3TS CULL3D 4ND 3V3RYON3 H4S WOND3RFUL C4NDY BLOOD!

TG: wait so what color is your blood

GC: T34L OF COURS3! TH3 S4M3 COLOR TH4T 1 TYP3 1N

GC: W3 4LL TYP3 1N OUR BLOOD COLOR

GC: 3XC3PT FOR K4RK4T

GC: H3 K33PS H1S BLOOD COLOR 4 S3CR3T TO B3 4LL DR4M4T1C

TG: youre telling me that some poor fuckers got piss blood

GC: TH4T WOULD B3 SOLLUX OUR H4CKER

GC: BUT TH3 POL1T1C4LLY CORR3CT T3RM 1S GOLD BLOOD

GC: GOLD BLOODS H4V3 QU1T3 POT3NT PS11ON1C POW3RS SO TH3Y WOULD OFT3N G3T 3NSL4V3D FOR TH3M

TG: jesus what

TG: you guys have blood racism

GC: TH3 H3MOSP3CTRUM Y3S

TG: so what does teal mean

TG: am i talking to like a troll princess or something

GC: H4H4H4H4 NO

GC: F3F3R1 1S TH3 H31R3SS

GC: MY COLOR 1S QU1T3 R3SP3CT4BL3 THOUGH

GC: 1 PROB4BLY WOULDVE GON3 ON TO B3COM3 4 L3GISL4C3R4TOR 4ND WORK3D 1N TH3 COURTBLOCKS

GC: UNL3SS 1 W4S CULL3D FOR MY BL1NDN3SS F1RST >:(

TG: oh man i dont know what half of that meant

TG: but if its any consolation im glad your universe is gone and you werent like murdered for literally being disabled

TG: coz

TG: yknow

TG: thatd be really fucked up

GC: TH4NKS D4V3 >;)

TG: man why did you fucking wink

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] --

Not that you’d ever say it to her face, but Rose did a pretty good job giving you trolls to speak to. Gamzee is a fucking riot and Terezi isn’t too bad, now that you’ve gotten to know her. Still, you don’t want to speak to Karkat again, no matter how much the other trolls tell you he’s not an asshole. You’re perfectly happy just talking to two of them – two out of three surely wouldn’t be a failing mark on this assignment. And if Rose desperately needs you to talk to three of them, you suppose you could ask someone to swap with you; maybe try to get the piss blood guy or princess troll. Whatever. With your cultural exchange done for the day you can finally chill. You hop over to your decks and slide the headphones on, using them to hold your hair away from your face; it’s getting pretty long but you’re not the best hair dresser, and now with the trolls watching all the time, it’d be slightly embarrassing to have a fucked up haircut.

You start mixing up a track, adding in some funny FX in line with your usual, semi-ironic style. Subconsciously, your head starts bopping to keep time. You hit a breakdown in the song and cut the FX, warping the track so it feels like time stands still for you. If you could stop the world, put everything on pause, this is what you’d do: mix up some lo-fi with a heavy bassline for hours. It makes the confusion over the sudden appearance of the trolls fall away; it makes the sound of your Bro in the shower, doing god knows what, fall away; it makes the constant terror and anxiety of knowing that, at any time, Cal could appear behind you, summoning you for a strife fall away. You ease the bass back in and let that track fade out. It’s time for something more up-tempo.

You play for a few hours, eventually getting bored of the more serious stuff. You opt to finish out by playing Sandstorm by Darude, adding your own brand of ironic sound effects on the drops. As you start to scratch, a notification pops up on pesterchum. You were going to finish up soon, so you guess now is as good a time as any. It’s probably Rose haranguing you for not talking to Karkat, or Gamzee forgetting he’s already spoken to you today.

-- began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

[Hello.]

The fuck? You take a screengrab of the weird ass message. If this is some weird troll bullshit, Rose will probably know what’s going on. She always seems to at the moment.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --

TG: rose

TG: rose

TG: rose

TG: rose

TG: rose stop talking to your troll boyfriend

TG: rose

TG: rose

TG: rose

TT: I don’t enjoy this new “bit” you’ve started, repeating my name over and over.

TT: I should really stop rewarding this behavior with a response.

TT: Frankly, it is reinforcing my theory that you have a disorganised attachment style, due to your attention-seeking followed by emotional aloof-ness.

TT: Unless the detachment is feigned in another attempt to garner attention…

TG: ok ok

TG: less of the freud bullshit

TG: do you know what this is

-- turntechGodhead [TG] sent the file “creepassmessage.png” to tentacleTherapist [TT] --

TT: Ooo, a ghost message.

TT: First aliens, now ghosts.

TT: Next it’ll be alien ghosts, who knows when they’ll show up in this story…

TG: rose

TG: rose

TT: Fine.

TG: rose

TG: whoops sorry i pressed send on that one before your message came through

TG: do you know

TT: That is the man I have been referring to as my source.

TT: He types in white, so you have to highlight the page to read his messages.

TT: It’s for confidentiality, though I will admit it is a bit pretentious.

TG: of course your nameless omnipotent god friend is a douche

TT: Omniscient. I don’t believe he is omnipotent.

TT: And he’s not really my friend. I don’t even know his name.

TG: he could be impotent for all i care

TT: Once again, Dave Strider brings male fertility and erections into the conversation!

TG: shut up

TT: Sounding pretty ornery there, Dave. Have you gotten that from your new troll friend? The angry one?

TG: oh look mr source is messaging

TG: gotta go

TT: I know you haven’t been speaking to him, Dave.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --

You click back to the source guy’s messages before Rose can nag you any more. You drag your mouse down the page, revealing white text against the blue background.

[I presume Miss Lalonde has now caught you up on my involvement in your narrative now.]

TG: i mean shes told me that youre a god or something

[Yes.

What else?]

TG: she said you want us to talk to the trolls

[Yes.

What else?]

TG: jesus ok

TG: your universe is doomed

[Yes.

Anything else?]

TG: i dont know man

TG: youre impotent

[Hehe, yes, that joke was pretty good.

I’m not sure if it was good enough to repeat, but pretty good.]

TG: alright youre weirding me out so im gonna go

[Don’t you want to know why I reached out to you, Mr Strider?]

TG: nah

[That was a lie.]

TG: huh

[I have a little piece of advice for you.

Think of it as a boon from your future.]

TG: ok what

TG: is this where i get my cosmic fuckin quest

TG: coz if thats the case ill pass

TG: im not really the questing type

[Wrong.

You would have made an excellent Knight, and I would know; I’m an excellent judge of character.]

TG: fine whats my magic mission

TG: whos giant sword do i have to pull to achieve my destiny

[No. You don’t need to do anything like that, yet.

You just need to talk to someone.]

TG: sounds simple enough

TG: uh wait

TG: who

[Karkat Vantas.

Goodbye, Mr Strider.]

-- ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

Well, shit.

Where you’re from if god tells you to do something, you’d better fucking do it.

But it’s a damn good job you never believed in god.

Chapter Text

Fuck.

You open Trollian, muttering every curse word and expletive that you can think of. It’s an extensive list. Vriska’s source told you to talk to the Dave human and, as much as you really fucking don’t want to, if you’re going to be a leader, you’ve got to do what’s best for your team. And you assume that doing what the guy that can see the future says is probably a good place to start. You decided yesterday that if you have to talk to the Dave human, you should go in with a plan, so you have a list of questions beside you, scrawled in over-tired chicken-scratch.

You have to force your nub to send the first message. You really don’t want to speak to him.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

CG: HELLO.

CG: DAVE HUMAN.

CG: HEY SHITHEAD, I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

CG: I AM EXTENDING MY FUCKING FROND TO YOU AS A SIGN OF PEACE, WITH AS MUCH POLITESSE AS I CAN MANAGE FOR A HALFWIT FUCK SUCH AS YOURSELF. THE LEAST YOU CAN DO IS FUCKING RESPOND.

CG: ALRIGHT, FINE. I DON’T NEED TO TALK TO YOU. I’LL JUST TROLL THE JADE HUMAN AGAIN. YOU SAW HOW FUCKING CHARMING I WAS TO HER LAST TIME.

CG: ASSHOLE.

TG: holy shit what do you want

TG: cant a guy use the toilet without some crazy fuck screaming at him

TG: i mean gogdamn

CG: OH.

CG: HI AGAIN, IDIOT.

TG: yeah hi

TG: let me guess

TG: has some snarky troll girl been getting on your case about talking to me

CG: NO.

CG: I’M THE LEADER, SO IF ANYONE’S CLAMBERING ON TO HUSKTRUNKS, IT’D BE ME.

TG: really

TG: rose said ag was the leader

CG: FUCK HER. SHE’S MY SECOND IN COMMAND AND CONSTANTLY TRYING – AND FAILING – TO USURP ME.

CG: BUT THAT’S COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY INFORMATION FOR YOU.

CG: I DON’T WANT TO FUCKING TALK TO YOU BUT I HAVE SOME QUESTIONS.

CG: WILL YOU TRY TO BE LESS OF AN CHUTE-HUFFING PILE OF HUMAN FECES AND ANSWER THEM WITHOUT YOUR HUMAN SARCASM?

TG: nah

TG: but ill answer

TG: if i can ask you questions too

CG: FINE.

CG: BUT I GO FIRST.

TG: k

CG: WHY DO YOU TYPE IN THAT COLOR?

TG: oh i had to explain this to terezi yesterday

TG: i type in red coz its my favorite color

TG: nothing to do with my eyes or blood

TG: all humans have red blood

CG: REALLY?

TG: yeah man

TG: my question

TG: what colors your blood

You are acutely aware of the bright ruby blood surging to your face and the tips of your ears. Is he doing this on purpose? How can Kanaya be right, that humans don’t flirt pitch? You can’t talk to him when your blood pusher feels like it’s going to explode in a supernova with a black hole of hatred right at the center.

CG: NOPE.

CG: NEVERMIND.

CG: FUCK THIS.

CG: FUCK YOU.

CG: I DON’T KNOW WHY I THOUGHT YOU’D BE ANY LESS UNBEARABLE.

TG: sorry sorry

TG: you dont need to answer

TG: terezi said its a touchy subject

TG: i just thought id try my luck since i know next to nothing about this homospectrum or whatever

CG: NEXT TIME DON’T TRY YOUR LUCK.

CG: LUCK IS AS FUCKING FAKE AS MAGIC.

CG: FAKEY FAKE FAKE.

TG: well if you ever wanna tell me im not blood racist

TG: some of my best friends have blood

On your viewport, which you’ve had pulled up to the side of your Trollian window, you see him chuckling to himself at his joke. A joke which you really do not get. It makes your hair stand on end like a pissed off meowbeast.

CG: OKAY ASSWIPE, QUESTION TWO: DID YOU EVER DREAM OF A GOLD MOON OR A PURPLE MOON WHERE YOU COULD FLY?

TG: what the fuck

TG: um

TG: i dont know

CG: GREAT. THANK YOU.

TG: my turn

TG: what do you guys look like

TG: do you have like huge heads and tentacles and big black eyes or something

TG: or do you look like this

TG: this is what im picturing

CG: HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK.

CG: WHAT IN MY SWEET FUCKING UNIVERSE IS THAT THING.

CG: NO. WE DON’T LOOK LIKE THAT.

TG: oh

CG: WHY ARE THE HUMAN IDEAS OF ALIENS SO UPSETTING.

CG: WE LOOK PRETTY SIMILAR TO HUMANS BUT FAR MORE DEADLY.

CG: WE HAVE GRAY SKIN AND RAZOR SHARP TEETH AND YELLOW GANDER BULBS.

CG: AND WE HAVE YELLOW, ORANGE, AND RED HORNS WHICH ARE UNDENIABLY FUCKING AWESOME.

TG: oh man im saving that description

TG: im gonna draw what i think you look like

CG: …

CG: ???

TG: not right now

TG: a masterpiece takes time

TG: ill send you it tomorrow or something

CG: RIGHT.

CG: QUESTION THREE: HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF THE GAME SGRUB?

TG: nope

TG: oh shit wait is that like your alien version of sburb

TG: rose mentioned that game is what got you guys here

CG: YES. WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT IT?

TG: the human version was shitty

TG: johns copy never arrived and mine got lost

TG: my bros copy broke his whole fucking computer

TG: everyone who played it said it either didnt work or fucked up their computers

CG: THAT IS GOOD INFORMATION.

CG: NEXT QUESTION.

TG: wait what about me

CG: FUCK.

CG: THIS IS TAKING MUCH LONGER THAN I’D HOPED.

CG: GO ON THEN.

TG: hmm

TG: let me think

CG: YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE A FUCKING QUESTION?

CG: I CANNOT BELIEVE, DESPITE SEEING IT WITH MY OWN FUCKING BULBS, HOW BRAINDEAD YOU FUCKING ARE, DAVE HUMAN.

TG: oh i got one

TG: why do you say dave human

TG: its just dave

TG: im not calling you karkat troll am i

CG: WHAT.

CG: AS FAR AS I KNEW YOU WEREN’T CALLING ME ANYTHING.

CG: WHO TOLD YOU MY FUCKING NAME.

CG: WAS IT TEREZI?

TG: no dude it was gamzee

TG: fuckin love that guy

CG: I AM GOING TO KILL THAT BASTARD CLOWN.

CG: HERE I WAS, THINKING I COULD KEEP THE AIR OF MYSTIQUE AND INTIMIDATION THAT I HAVE AS A FUCKING GOD AND LEADER OF THE LAST LIVING TROLLS.

CG: BUT MR TOO-HIGH-TO-REMEMBER-HIS-OWN-GOGDAMN-NAME ROLLS IN AND TELLS YOU MINE.

TG: if it helps you werent very intimidating to begin with

TG: more just annoying and angry

TG: like a cute little chihuahua barking at the door

TG: and nipping at my ankles with its stupid teeth

TG: one kick and its fucking over for you little man

TG: but ill let you keep going coz its hilarious to watch you shaking in a little stripy sweater

CG: UH.

Fuck, it’s happening again; a blush of epic proportions is heating up your head. He just called you cute and annoying at the same time, and, though you have no idea what a chihuahua is, you are sure that the growl building in your chest wouldn’t help you escape the comparison.

CG: CAN YOU EXPLAIN TO ME THE CONCEPT OF HUMAN ROMANCE?

That question wasn’t even meant to be next. You had typed it before you even knew what was happening.

TG: what do you mean

CG: TROLL ROMANCE HAS FOUR QUADRANTS.

CG: TWO ARE CONCUPISCENT AND TWO ARE CONCILIATORY.

CG: THE FLUSHED CONCUPISCENT QUADRANT, REPRESENTED BY THE HEART <3 IS MATESPRITSHIP, A RELATIONSHIP BASED IN PITY AND ATTRACTION.

CG: THE PALE CONCILIATORY QUADRANT, REPRESENTED BY THE DIAMOND <> IS MOIRALLEGIENCE, A RELATIONSHIP BASED IN PITY AND MUTUAL HELPING.

CG: THE ASHEN CONCILIATORY QUADRANT, REPRESENTED BY THE CLUB O8< IS AUSPISTICISM, A RELATIONSHIP BASED IN MUTUAL HELPING AND HATRED.

You gulp, shaking like whatever a chihuahua is, before sending the last explanation.

CG: AND THE PITCH CONCUPISCENT QUADRANT, REPRESENTED BY THE SPADE <3< IS KISMESISSITUDE, A RELATIONSHIP BASED IN HATRED AND ATTRACTION.

CG: WE ARE ENCOURAGED TO FILL ALL OUR QUADRANTS AS ADULT TROLLS.

TG: woah

TG: i dont really get it

TG: but thats really different to human shit

TG: we only have one thing

TG: called love

CG: WE HAVE LOVE, YOU IMBECILIC FUCK. I’M ASKING YOU TO EXPLAIN HOW IT WORKS FOR HUMANS.

TG: ok so

TG: when a man and a woman get drunk together sometimes they think theyre in love

TG: this makes them do stupid shit like have babies and buy really expensive rings for each other and sign papers to say theyre together

TG: and they like kiss and have sex a whole bunch

TG: and i guess its represented by the heart <3 too

TG: from what i understand of what you said its probably a bit like flushed and pale i think

CG: INTERESTING.

CG: ARE THERE

CG: HUMAN ROMANCE MOVIES?

TG: yeah fuckin loads

CG: COULD YOU

CG: SEND ME SOME?

CG: FOR RESEARCH PURPOSES.

CG: I STUDY TROLL ROMANCE AND AM AN EXPERT IN THE QUADRANTS.

CG: SO I’D LIKE TO UNDERSTAND THE HUMAN EQUIVALENT AS PART OF THIS MANDATORY CULTURAL EXCHANGE.

TG: youre better off asking egbert for that crap

TG: but be warned

TG: that guy has the worst fucking taste in films youve ever seen with your yellow eyes

CG: EGBERT?

TG: the john human

CG: OH. I REALLY DON’T WANT TO TALK TO HIM.

CG: HE DOESN’T HAVE A BEAN IN HIS THINKPAN.

TG: thats a pretty apt description

TG: but hes a great guy

TG: hes sweet and i wouldnt say it to his face but the kid means a lot to me

CG: UGH.

CG: ARE YOU IN HUMAN LOVE WITH HIM.

TG: what no

TG: dude im not gay

CG: WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?

TG: what gay

CG: YES.

TG: like guy on guy action

TG: or girl on girl i guess

CG: IS THIS A DIFFERENT TYPE OF ROMANCE?

TG: i

TG: hm

TG: yes

TG: or maybe im not meant to say that coz like love is love and all

TG: whatever i just dont like guys like that

CG: WHY NOT?

TG: coz its gross

TG: fuck im definitely not meant to say that

TG: i just mean for me its disgusting to imagine kissing like egbert or some shit

TG: are you gay bro

CG: I DON’T KNOW. I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS BECAUSE IT’S AN IDIOTIC IDEA FROM AN INFERIOR SPECIES WHOSE ROMANCE SEEMS INCREDIBLY PRIMITIVE BY COMPARISON.

CG: IT’S THE SAME THING, ISN’T IT?

CG: IS THERE SOME SORT OF HUMAN SEXUAL DIMORPHISM THAT MAKES IT HARDER TO PROCREATE WITH SOMEONE OF THE SAME SEX AS YOU?

TG: i am not explaining my genitals to an alien right now

TG: fuck no

TG: and i sure as fuck dont wanna know what you got going on down there man

CG: OKAY, YOU MASSIVE BULGE.

TG: lmao yeah thats right

CG: ?

TG: ignore me

CG: GLADLY.

CG: WE’LL MOVE ON TO THE NEXT QUESTION.

TG: ugh

CG: WHY DO THE OTHER HUMANS NOT TRAIN LIKE YOU DO?

TG: what do you mean train

CG: YOU KNOW, WHEN YOUR PUPPET LUSUS SUMMONS YOU AND YOU APPEAR HOURS LATER WITH YOUR SWORD AND WOUNDED.

CG: THE TRAINING WHERE YOU INJURED YOUR SNIFF NUB.

TG: nope

TG: i actually think im done for the night

TG: bye

CG: WHAT THE FUCK. WHY.

TG: tell me your blood color and ill answer your question

CG: FUCK YOU. I ALREADY SAID I WON’T TELL YOU THAT.

TG: then no dice im afraid

CG: YOU BLACKMAILING NOOKWHIFF. I RESPECT YOUR FUCKING TRAINING.

CG: I WANT TO KNOW WHY THE OTHER HUMANS ARE SO THOROUGHLY PATHETIC THAT THEIR LUSII DON’T DO BATTLE WITH THEM.

CG: YOU ARE CLEARLY THE STRONGEST OF THE FOUR OF YOU, AND ON ALTERNIA, YOU’D BE FAR SUPERIOR TO THEM IN EVERY WAY.

CG: WHAT IS FUCKING WRONG WITH YOU?

CG: I STILL HAVE MORE QUESTIONS, YOU INSUFFERABLE PRICK.

CG: GET THE FUCK BACK HERE, ASSHOLE.

CG: I CAN SEE THAT YOU’RE STILL ONLINE. I THOUGHT WE WERE HAVING A PLEASANT FUCKING CONVERSATION, BUT CLEARLY YOU ARE INCAPABLE OF TALKING LIKE A REGULAR PERSON WITHOUT DOING AN ACROBATIC FUCKING FLIP OFF THE HANDLE.

CG: FUCK YOU RIGHT IN YOUR MYSTERIOUS HUMAN GENITALIA, YOU DRAMATIC JACKASS.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

You are steaming with rage, surely ashy red to your forehead, with both anger and some strange pubescent feelings. Of course your first real pitch crush would be on a guy from a different species who, 1) apparently cannot even reciprocate caliginous feelings, and 2) isn’t human “gay”, whatever that means. You are the last to leave the lab that day, save for Kanaya who’s sitting and smiling dorkily at her screen, while watching the Rose human – or just Rose. You hope for Kanaya’s sake that she is human “gay”.

You don’t sleep that day. Instead, you flop over the side of your recuperacoon, reading a romance novel about a forbidden kismesissitude between a male highblood and a male bronze blood, shuddering at the similarities to your own situation. The highblood has many reasons that he can’t enter into this sort of relationship with someone so beneath him on the hemospectrum, yet the bronze blood can’t help but pine after him, seething from a distance. You hate yourself just a little more for relating to such a pathetic character.

Hours later, your palmhusk pings with a message.

–- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

TG: my drawings done

-- turntechGodhead [TG] sent the file “heykarkatisthisyou.jpeg” to carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

You open the file, unsure of what to expect. This guy keeps trying (and succeeding) to piss you off so his drawing is probably more of that. But on the other hand, he called it a masterpiece. And it’s taken him hours...

You have never been so offended in your whole fucking life.

Chapter Text

-- gardenGnostic [GG] opened a public bulletin board: trolls incoming! --

GG: rose and i have been talking and guess what!

GG: we can all stay at mine for when the trolls get here!! :D

GG: and we all get to meet!!

-- ectoBiologist [EB] responded to memo --

EB: what? are you serious?

-- turntechGodhead [TG] responded to memo --

TG: uh yeah

TG: what

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] responded to memo --

TT: Jade, I told you to wait so that I could let the guys know separately and check everything would be okay for them!

GG: i knowww :( but its so exciting i couldnt wait!!

TT: Well, I won’t disagree with that.

TT: But there may be complications for the boys getting there.

TT: Personally, I’ll be fine. My mother won’t notice that I’ve even left.

TT: Nor will she notice the missing money that I’m taking for the flight and provisions.

TT: But your island is exceptionally hard to find, nevermind getting there.

EB: erm, yeah jade.

EB: this sounds so awesome, but how would we even get to your island? didn’t you say there’s no airport?

GG: there isnt but im not too far from costa rica so if you can fly to san jose

GG: then rose can use her moms money to buy a private flight to here :)

EB: jeez, won’t that be, like, mega expensive?

TT: Most definitely, but it’s not like my dear mother ever spends her money on anything other than alcohol.

EB: i don’t know if my dad would let me fly all the way to costa rica alone to meet people off the internet…

TT: Hmmm, yes, I can see how that could be an issue.

TT: Leave it with me, John. I’ll try to figure something out.

GG: or you could invite your dad too john!!

TT: That would be a simple fix.

EB: jegus, it’d be a lot to ask him. do we even know how long we’ll be there? i don’t know if my dad can miss too much time away from work.

TT: Doesn’t your father work as some sort of street magician?

EB: a street performer, yeah, i think so.

TT: You think so?

TT: You don’t know what he does?

EB: mm, not really. he doesn’t exactly talk much.

TT: Well, I’m not sure that street performing is a salaried position. He’d probably be free to take time off at his own leisure, if that is his job.

EB: heh, i guess.

EB: i’ll talk to him about it.

GG: sooo…

GG: how about you dave?! would you be able to come?

TG: nah my bro wouldnt let me go to hellmurder island in the middle of the sea

TG: sorry guys but im probably not gonna be there for the big troll meetup orgy

TG: a real shame coz i know theyd all be queueing up for a chance to see my huge human beef truncheon

TG: but my pork tenderloin wont be there

TG: and everyones going hungry

GG: dave!! gross :p

TT: Sometimes I think you say these things intentionally to provoke me. It’s sweet, really, that you make yourself such a brilliant case study.

TG: its all for your benefit rose

TG: just feeding your desperation

TT: Oh my, Mr. Strider! Your kindness knows no bounds!

EB: could you not just ask your bro, dave? he might surprise you!

John’s right, Bro does surprise you often, though usually with a sneak attack. You could leave without telling him, you suppose, but you’d be too afraid of the consequences of getting back.

TG: i dunno man

TT: If it’s a monetary issue, I’d be able to front you at least some of the money.

TG: ive got the money

TG: i make hella bank off sbahj

TG: ive got more loads than a dude on horny butler island

EB: what is that even supposed to mean?

EB: i mean, how horny do the butlers even have to be?

TG: fuck yea

What you don’t mention is the fact that you’ve been saving every dollar you make from Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff, which isn’t a lot but it adds up, in order to do exactly this. So that you could one day book a flight to Washington or New York or the Pacific fucking ocean to get out of this damn apartment. You’ve thought of that day a million times: leaving without even saying so much as goodbye to Bro, slamming the door, and never ever having to see a smuppet ever again. You just don’t know how. Nope, you are stuck. Stuck at home. Homestuck? Nah, that sounds lame.

TT: Horny butlers aside, you could always just run away.

TG: and leave my decks behind rose really

TG: i couldnt do that

GG: i know its a lot to ask but dave

GG: i really want to meet you <3

EB: me too!

TT: I do, too. If only to see if you say as many fucked up things as you type.

TG: yeah

TG: ill see

You take a deep breath. You will. You’ll try. Not for the trolls, though, but for your friends.

Suddenly, you feel a rush of air behind you. You snap around to face Cal, his plastic puppet eyes transfixed to your computer screen. You’re not sure how but you are pretty certain he can read your mind. And you’re pretty certain that his sudden appearance was not coincidental. Your suspicions are all but confirmed when you take the note pinned to Cal’s hand:

Bro.

The only place you’re going is to the roof.

Right now.

Well, shit. You breathe shallowly, quickly. You make a mental checklist: sword, shades, Cal. You wince as you push your shades up your nose, still bruised and slightly skewed from the last strife. It can’t get worse, you suppose. You begin the long climb to the roof, taking the stairs two at a time to get there quicker. If there’s one thing Bro hates, it’s being kept waiting.

You kick open the door at the top of the stairs and are immediately met by the blistering Texas sun. The concrete of the roof waves and pulses from the heat and your brother, with his back to you, is almost silhouetted in the brightness. He turns his head over his shoulder and, though his cap and shades hide his eyes entirely, you know he’s looking right at you.

“So,” Bro’s voice is deep and mechanical, like it’s filtered through a computer, like he’s in witness protection, “you’re leaving, little man?”

You say nothing. Best not to provoke him even further when he’s like this. Instead, you throw Cal across the roof and he flops down unceremoniously, skidding to a stop at Bro’s feet. You watch Bro’s jaw clench and every muscle in his neck flexes like he’s gagging at your behavior.

“If you wanna leave, you’re gonna need to prove to me that you can protect yourself.” You doubt what he’s saying. Even if you could beat him in a strife, there is no way he’d let you go. He’d just heal up and hurt you more than you’d hurt him. Yeah, he’s never going to let you leave; you’ll have to just… go.

You chance speaking back to him. If you’re getting out soon, you suppose there’s no holding back now. “Protect myself from what? You?” you sneer.

He turns to face you fully, his hat pulled so low that a shadow is cast across his entire face. “Honestly,” he smirks at you. It’s devilish in the darkness with the burning red backdrop. “Yeah.”

And he’s gone.

You feel a rush of air as he flashsteps behind you, his sword grazing your arm as you whirl around. (Flesh wound, minimal bandaging.) You flashstep backwards slightly, holding a defensive position. Patience pays off when Bro’s this mad; he’s tactical at first, but he gets sloppier the angrier he gets, and then you can start getting hits in.

“You want to go hang with your little friends? Huh?” He swings down on you but you block. “On a sunny island?” He pushes his sword against yours, sending you skidding back. His position drops while you gather yourself. There’s a twinge of pain in your knee, likely just some bruising at the bone. Bro pulls up one fingerless glove, “you know how fucking gay that is?”

You go to charge him but are stopped by Cal tangling around your leg and dragging you to the ground. Your face hits the floor and a frighteningly loud crack echoes through your skull. You sit up, frantically trying to remove Cal’s grip from your leg, as Bro stalks toward you. You feel the blood pouring from your nose, far more than last time, and it seeps into your mouth, making you splutter. You’re a little dizzy. This’ll probably need some good first aid, if not actual medical attention.

Bro makes it over to you just as you remove Cal from your leg. He snatches the puppet from your hand and slings it over his shoulder. When Bro’s hand comes toward you, you try to get a hit in, fumbling with partial sight – he must’ve cracked your fucking sunglasses. You swing at his hand, somewhat blindly, and feel your sword connect. You follow the hit through until you feel bone, knowing a deep cut will give you some pause. Bro hisses, a sound kept exclusively for when you actually land a good hit on him; you’ve only heard it twice before, and from the periphery of your vision, you see something drop.

You shake your glasses off as Bro’s hand grips onto the neck of your shirt, spraying blood at your chest. You quickly look down and, yeah, that’s his fucking finger. You sliced off Bro’s goddamn finger. He’s going to kill you.

You’re six and a half feet up in the air, eye level with your brother. He snarls at you and slams the back of your head into the electrical box twice. You feel wetness spread over the crown of your head. You’re so dizzy. You’re so close to the edge. He could throw you from here.

But he doesn't. Instead, he drops you to the concrete of the roof and you flop like a fucking puppet, coughing as some blood pools in your throat. Bro grabs your wrist, the hot black leather of his gloves burning you slightly, and he holds your hand out in front of him. His glasses have slipped down during the strife and he makes eye contact with you, orange irises like flames searing your blood red eyes. He raises his sword and hacks at your middle finger.

“You’re not leaving,” he spits.

Then you pass out.

You don’t know how long it’s been when you come to but the sun is starting to set and the evening is muggy. The blood surrounding you is mostly dry, with some tacky pools of thicker blood. You don’t know how much blood is in a human body but you think most of it is on this roof. You cough and pink-tinged saliva gloops from your lip to the floor. You lift your right hand to wipe at your mouth, but your breath catches when you see it; your middle finger is sliced clean at the metacarpal, between the joints. The wound has begun to clot but a little blood is still pooling at the top of the stump. You reach for your sword with your left hand and slice a strip of fabric from your shirt to create a makeshift bandage.

You assess the rest of the damage: a shallow but definite crack at the back of your head, an obviously hand-shaped bruise on your wrist, an even more broken nose than before, a few new minor cuts and bruises, and a nasty sunburn. The usual routine would be to go to your bathroom and patch yourself up with the first aid kit, but Bro’s words ring in your head.

You stare at the sky for a while. There are barely any – maybe two – stars in the city sky. You hate it. Jade once sent you a picture of the night sky from her bedroom window; there were so many stars. You could trace the constellations and Mars was bright and so red. It was like a painting of the night, or one of those Nasa photos. You want to see it in person.

You stand up, fiercely determined, and start clambering down the fire escape.

Chapter Text

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

TT: Hello, Karkat.

CG: HOLY FUCK, ROSE.

CG: WHO TOLD YOU MY GOGDAMN NAME?

CG: ACTUALLY, DON’T ANSWER THAT.

CG: YOU AND KANAYA HAVE BEEN SO FAR UP EACH OTHERS FUCKING CHUTES THAT YOU’RE WEARING HER LIKE A SKIN SUIT.

CG: “OH, HI KANAYA, HOW ARE YOU TODAY? OH SHIT, NEVERMIND, ITS ROSE WEARING KANAYA LIKE A SHITTING DRESS.”

TT: Hmm.

TT: I can see why you and Dave have clashed. I can’t imagine the conversation is useful when you both talk so much bullshit.

CG: WHAT.

CG: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

CG: YOU CAN’T EVER SHUT YOUR SQUAWK BLISTER. I’VE SEEN YOUR MESSAGES WITH KANAYA. THERE’S SO MUCH PURPLE ON HER SCREEN THAT YOU’D THINK KANAYA HAD CHAINSAWED A FUCKING HIGHBLOOD.

CG: YOU’D BETTER HAVE A REASON FOR SUBJECTING ME TO YOUR MONOTONOUS, POMPOUS BULLSHIT.

TT: There’s a very Striderian irony to this conversation and the paragraphs of gray text. However, I’m fairly sure that you are completely sincere.

TT: Though I hate to interrupt you, and this inane train of thought, I do have a question for you.

CG: OH YEAH, ASK AWAY. I’M AN OPEN FUCKING BOOK. AS YOU SAID, I’M COMPLETELY SINCERE.

TT: Alright.

TT: When did you last hear from Dave?

CG: HE SENT ME A DRAWING FIVE DAYS AGO. IT WAS HORRIFIC.

TT: I don’t doubt that.

TT: Five days ago? Hmm…

CG: “HMM”? WHY “HMM”?

TT: None of us humans have heard from him in four days. This isn’t normal for him.

CG: PERHAPS HE’S FINALLY BEEN CULLED FOR TYPING IN THAT SICKNESS-INDUCING COLOR.

CG: OR, PERHAPS HE’S REALIZED THAT HE’S MET THE SUPERIOR RACE AND HE DOESN’T WANT TO ASSOCIATE WITH JOHN FUCKING EGBERT ANYMORE.

CG: OR, PERHAPS HE’S DECIDED TO SHUT HIS TRAP FOR ONCE AND NOT BRING DOWN THE AVERAGE IQ OF EVERY CONVERSATION. AND, OF COURSE, THE ONLY WAY HE COULD BE LESS STUPID IS TO BE FUCKING QUIET.

CG: A LESSON THAT YOU’D BENEFIT FROM, TOO, YOU PSYCHO BROAD.

TT: You’re funny, Karkat. I can see why Kanaya speaks so highly of you.

CG: FUCK YOU.

CG: I CAN’T SEE WHY SHE LIKES YOU.

TT: I’d appreciate it if you try to get in touch with Dave.

TT: Maybe annoying him into responding is the solution.

TT: And I can’t think of a better guy for the job.

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

To be completely honest, you have been wondering where Dave is. You’d checked the viewport once or twice (or more) since he sent you the drawing, but he never appeared in his respite block. You’ve seen a talonscreecher fly in through his window and take a small piece of shiny shattered sword; you’ve seen the Earth’s sun rise and set over and over, you’ve seen his puppet lusus appear in there and just sort of… stare. You aren’t worried about him or anything, but you haven’t had the chance to chew him out for that garbage drawing.

Rose is right, though. If anyone can annoy Dave into replying, it’s gogdamn you.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

CG: HI THERE, HUMAN “DICK” HEAD.

CG: THAT’S RIGHT. I’VE BEEN LEARNING NEW INSULTS. THE INSULTS OF YOUR SPECIES.

CG: SOON I’LL BE ABLE TO TROLL YOU IN EVERY LANGUAGE AND EVERY CULTURE.

CG: SOLLUX TOLD ME WHAT A HUMAN DICK IS, BY THE WAY.

CG: DISGUSTING.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] is an idle chum --

CG: ROSE HAS BEEN BEGGING ME TO SPEAK TO YOU.

CG: I THINK THERE’S SOMETHING FLUSHED GOING ON BETWEEN HER AND KANAYA. OR, AT LEAST, KANAYA CERTAINLY HAS REDROM FEELINGS FOR HER.

CG: TERRIFYING, REALLY. I DON’T KNOW WHICH OF THEM IS MORE FUCKED IN THE PAN. THEY’RE BOTH INSANE FLIGHTY BROADS WITH A STICK SO FAR UP THEIR CHUTES THAT YOU CAN SEE IT WHEN THEY OPEN THEIR MOUTHS. WHICH THEY OFTEN DO.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] is an idle chum --

CG: I SWEAR TO FUCK, IF YOU ARE TALKING TO GAMZEE AND NONE OF THE REST OF US, I’M GOING TO SHOVE ONE OF HIS IDIOTIC FUCKING HORNS IN YOUR HUMAN SQUAWK TUNNEL UNTIL THE ONLY NOISES THAT CAN ESCAPE YOUR STUPID TIGHT, POUTY LIPS IS HONKS.

CG: “HELLO, DAVE.”

CG: “HONK.”

CG: YOU INSUFFERABLE BASTARD.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] is an idle chum --

CG: OKAY, FUCK THIS.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

If Trollian had a delete function, you’d delete every single message that you just sent. Like, why did you mention his lips? And Kanaya’s redrom crush? And why did you randomly call him an insufferable bastard? It’s true but, gogdamn, you sound so desperate. At least he probably won’t understand your awkward black flirtations.

Your husktop pings and you jump at the notification, dreading (or wishing) that it could be Dave. A terrifying thought occurs to you: you’re worried. Worried is not a typical blackrom feeling. Shit.

-- gardenGnostic [GG] opened a public bulletin board: where is dave! --

GG: hi guys!

GG: ive opened this memo because daves not spoken to anyone in 4 days :’(

GG: ive added the humans and all of daves troll friends and also the trolls hacker per feferis reccommendation

GG: does anyone know where he is?

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] responded to memo --

TT: So far, we believe that the last people to speak to him were us humans. We were discussing the plan to meet up at Jade’s house when he left the conversation early, after agreeing to speak to his brother about leaving, or maybe running away.

-- terminallyCapricious [TC] responded to memo --

TC: aWwW mAn, WhAt?

TC: My GoOd MoThErFuCkInG aLiEn BrOtHeR iS mIsSiNg?

TC: FuCk :o(

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] responded to memo --

CG: GAMZEE, SHUT UP.

TC: :o( HoNk

CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP.

CG: YOU ARE SO INSANELY UNHELPFUL IN ANY GIVEN CONVERSATION.

CG: HAS SOLLUX TRIED TRACKING HIM?

-- twinArmaggedons [TA] responded to memo --

TA: wow, kk.

TA: you 2eem two care a whole lot about fiindiing thii2 human that you apparently dont giive a 2hiit about.

CG: FUCK YOU.

TA: you wii2h.

CG: NO I DO NOT. BECAUSE UNLIKE HALF THE FUCKING IMBECILES ON THIS METEOR, I ACTUALLY HAVE WORKING GANDER BULBS.

CG: NO OFFENSE, TEREZI.

-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] responded to memo --

GC: NON3 T4K3N

GC: YOUR3 R1GHT THOUGH

GC: 1D M4CK ON MR MUST4RD 4T L34ST ONC3 >;)

GC: TH3R3S GOTT4 B3 SOM3TH1NG TH4T F3F3R1 4ND 4R4D14 4R3 S331NG

TC: hElL yEah.

TC: My GoLdEn BrOtHeR iS tHe MoSt ElLiGaBlE mOtHeRfUcKeR oN tHiS mEtEoR.

TC: i’M aLwAyS lOoKiNg FoR a MoThErFuCkInG mAkE oUt BuDdY ;o)

TA:

CG: THIS IS FUCKING ABSURD.

TT: I hate to agree with Karkat, but this isn’t the most opportune time for flirting.

GC: S4YS K4N4Y4S N3W LONG D1ST4NC3 M4T3SPR1T

TT: Untrue and unimportant right now.

TT: Dave has never gone this long without speaking to us, so I’d really like to find him.

TT: I’m afraid that his brother might have hurt him.

-- ectoBiologist [EB] responded to memo --

EB: woah, rose, that’s really dark.

EB: i don’t think his bro would hurt him. i mean, you know how he talks about him. dave’s bro is like the coolest guy ever.

TT: I’m not sure about that. Have you never gotten the sense that Dave may be overcompensating when he says things like that?

EB: err… not really! :/

TT: I’ve suspected it for a while. I mean, what sane person collects and sells pornographic puppets and shitty anime swords? I think his brother is probably quite unhinged.

GG: oh no!!

CG: ARE YOUR LUSII NOT SUPPOSED TO TRAIN YOU?

CG: I ASSUMED YOU WERE ALL TO WEAK TO BEGIN YOUR COMBAT TRAINING BUT STRIDER IS AHEAD IN HIS DEVELOPMENT.

EB: it’s been weeks and no one has ever explained to me what a lusii is!

TT: They’re the trolls’ parental figures, though the situation is very different.

TT: And no, Karkat, our guardians aren’t supposed to physically assault us, if that’s what you’re asking.

CG: OH.

CG: THEN, YEAH.

CG: HE’S PROBABLY HURT.

TC: It’S tHe MoThErFuCkInG pUpPeT.

CG: GAMZEE.

CG: WHAT DID I SAY?

TC: :o(

EB: can you find him, sollux?

TA: yeah, ii found hiim whiile you were all talking ab2olute hoofbea2t2hiit.

TA: he’2 iin 2omethiing called an “el 2alvador”.

TA: he ha2 hii2 palmhu2k but pe2terchum ii2 deleted.

TT: How has he ended up there?

GG: do you think hes ok????

EB: where’s el salvador, again?

CG: EXCUSE ME, IDIOTS.

CG: PLEASE STOP YOUR ASSANINE LINE OF POINTLESS QUESTIONS AND ANSWER MINE:

CG: WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK IS AN “EL SALVADOR”?

Chapter Text

Oh, well I, I touched down and run to my connection

A man in the gift shop, he called me a fag

I feel like my tucked-up erection

There's a pressure all over my head

x

It’s about 8pm. Your phone is still pinging with notifications from pesterchum. You jump at every buzz in your pocket, struck with the fear that Bro could be tracking you. You can’t message your friends back right now; what would you even have to say? But you don’t want them to worry if you’re just idle forever. Whatever. You’ll talk to them tomorrow, or something, and you’ll let them know that you’re on your way.

You fumble, trying to slip your phone back in your pocket with your right hand and it burns with pain. Your makeshift bandage is starting to soak with blood and you can feel your pulse in the back of your head. The streetlights and car lights aren’t helping. You need shades and a real bandage and painkillers. There’s an independent drug store about a 40 minute walk away, which will ask less questions than the chain stores, and probably be easier to steal from.

Despite this, you walk past a man with a wallet hanging out his back pocket, and you swipe it with flashstep speed. To your delight there’s a huge wad of dollar bills in it, so you take what you need and flashstep away, dropping the wallet on the floor.

x

And I know this is how I get paid

It's not really how I wanna get laid, too

140 when I last got weighed

And I'm gonna lose more by Saturday

x

You duck into an alley, changing the dressing on your wound and changing your ripped shirt. Your stomach tightens as you smell food from a burger joint nearby, but food isn’t really a priority right now. Right now, you need to get out of Texas. You sit on the dirty ground to formulate a plan of how to get to Jade’s.

There’s a greyhound bus from Houston to Mexico City. That’s at least some of the journey, and you guess you could hitchhike the rest of the way. The only problem is, the bus costs money and – damnit, John. Your phone pops up with another message in the memo chat. You still can’t bring yourself to read them and in frustration, you delete the entire pesterchum app. You flick back to the bus website. The next one leaves in about three hours. You’ve got time to come up with something.

x

And they're playing your song on the radio station

Mugging me off all across the nation

"If you don't eat, then you'll never grow"

I should've learned that quite a while ago

x

Luckily for you, the bus station’s crowded, and a large Mexican family seems like a great cover to get to the bus. You move close behind them, doing your best to not look like a lost child. If you look self-assured, no one will stop you to ask where you’re going. As the family load their suitcases into the bottom of the bus, you flashstep in, tucking yourself behind what appears to be a racing bicycle in the baggage store, and you get comfy. You’re in this dark undersection for the long haul. You’re doing this, man. You’re making it happen.

You spend the majority of your 27 hours on the bus sleeping, a few of them rifling through some bags to find food (there isn’t much), approximately 2 hours trying to befriend a rat that came joined you in the undersection at a rest stop, and a couple hours holding back tears.

You think about your friends the whole way.

Jade’s shocked face when you finally get to hers and she sees you on her doorstep; John’s goofy laugh when you meet him and he realises that you can’t flip him off; Rose’s sarcastic comments when you tell her that you’ve spent a day talking to a rat.

You even think about the trolls too.

Meeting Gamzee and having an in-person rap battle; fighting Terezi off you to stop her from licking your face at the first chance she gets; hearing Karkat pull out a full-on tantrum to your face. You come to the conclusion that you’re probably excited to meet them. Going from only your brother for face-to-face company to four people and twelve fucking aliens on a tiny island feels unreal.

x

I know it gets hard sometimes

Making out with people that you don't like

I know you don't feel alright

But you look just fine to me

x

The bus station at Mexico City at 3am is creepy. It’s loud, yet deserted. And the streets outside echo with the same city center noises as home. You hate it. You follow the map on your phone to a highway; a 90 minute walk, and stand there, sticking your left thumb out, like they do in movies, at every car with a US licence plate. You’re not being racist or anything; you just can’t speak a lick of Spanish and you want to be able to explain yourself if your driver starts asking too many questions.

After three hours or so, a car stops for you. A group of college students, doing a “South American roadtrip" (you don’t correct them), whose next stop is Yucatan, and they offer to get you as close to the Guatemala border as they can before it’s out of their way. You end up in the back between two girls, who fuss over how cute you are and ask a lot of questions. Maybe hitchhiking wasn’t the greatest idea. You answer in short sentences and hide your hand. When the driving responsibilities change, you have a better time with the two guys in the back. They ask you if you like video games and what music you’re into. You play them one of your mixes and they say you’re a cool kid.

You offer the students some money when they drop you at a gas station and they refuse it, thanking you for being part of their adventure. One of the girls gives you a kiss on the top of your head as they leave you, and you realise that that’s the first kiss of any kind that you’ve ever been given.

x

Well, I pissed myself on the Texan intersection

With George spilling things all over his bag

And I took shit for being quiet during the election

Maybe that's fair, but I'm a busy guy

x

Your phone’s battery’s getting low, so you buy a portable charger from the gas station. You don’t buy food. You’ve gone days without eating before so you can deal with the feeling that someone has taken an ice cream scoop to your stomach. You sit by the door for a short while, whilst you decide the next plan. There’s a dead animal on the side of the road, a weird thing that looks like a mangled giant guinea pig or something. A quick search tells you it’s an agouti. The agouti has bulging eyes and his middle section is a red streak across the road. You can’t look away from him when car after car drives over his flattened guts. You aren’t hungry anymore.

There’s a bunch of semi-trucks coming through the gas station, with different Central American countries on their sides. You try to wait for one to say Costa Rica, to speed up this journey from hell, but no such thing appears. You decide that El Salvador is a compromise and hop into the back of an 18-wheeler transporting a bunch of electronics. It’s roomier than the undersection of the bus but less comfy than the car. You settle in between some boxes.

You think about the dead animal on the side of the road. Twenty minutes later, you can’t even remember what it was, only its bulging pleading eyes.

x

And I get stoned nowhere and get paid there

It's not really how babies get made, so

I take a minute when I think I won't die from stopping

Oh, I'm just a busy guy

x

For twenty grueling hours, you sit in the dark. At least in the car, people were talking, and on the bus, there were bags and rats. Nothing in this truck is remotely entertaining, leaving you aching with the thought of what you’ve done. You wrestle with the concept of being a missing child, of a police officer seeing you and taking you back to Bro. He still is legally your guardian so they’d have to give you back to him. He’d never report you missing, anyway; the thought of Bro putting your face on a fucking milk carton makes you chuckle. With the new charger and assurance that your phone won’t die, you whittle away an hour with a new drawing, of you on a milk carton, on your phone in the notes app with your finger. It’s shit. It isn’t even ironically bad.

After that you’re left to your thoughts again. What is Jade going to say when you show up? How do you even act around your online friends to their faces? Will it be awkward? Probably, you think, at least with Jade at first. You’re pretty sure that the two of you have been flirting for years, and you have no idea what that dynamic will be like in person. You think you like her; she’s very cute with her round glasses that magnify her eyes and her slightly gappy teeth and her brown skin that seems to be flushed pink at her cheeks in every single photo. And you love talking to her. You love talking to all your friends, but with Jade, you can be fully sincere. You’ve told her about your dead things collection and your love for the corvids that fly in your window. You even once sent her some of your attempts at more serious art – sketches of crows and the skyline from the roof of your building.

You don’t really know how it’s supposed to feel when you like a girl but how you feel about Jade is probably that. You guess.

Your thoughts spiral like this for a while. You can’t sleep in the back of the truck; it’s not too comfy leant up against boxes, with a driver who throws himself round corners at a speed that makes your stomach lurch.

You think about Rose and John and their new troll crushes. John with AG, whose name you still don’t know, the leader (or second-in-command according to Karkat). You don’t get how he can be into her when he doesn’t even know what she looks like. Maybe you’re shallow. And you think about Rose and her troll boyfriend – what was the name again? Kayak or something? You wonder how it’ll work when you meet up with them, with all the different quadrants and stuff. Can humans do troll romance? Or can trolls do human romance?

Could you like an alien who you’ve never met? Sure, you get along with Gamzee and Terezi (and Karkat sometimes), but you don’t think you could think about macking on Terezi’s gray face until you’ve seen it. You guess you’ve seen Karkat’s face, or your closest approximation, and the trolls are pretty cool looking in your imagination, but you couldn’t mack on him. He’s a dude.

Gogdamn, this ride is long.

x

And they're playing your song on the radio station

Mugging me off all across the nation

"If you don't shoot, then you'll never know"

You should've learned that quite a while ago

x

When the truck jutters to a stop and the engine turns off, you hide behind some stacked boxes until they’re pulled out and you can flashstep round the side. To your shock, you’re by the coast, what seems to be an industrial area, with cargo ships and warehouses. You look for the nearest port on your phone map and determine that you could get to Jade’s island from here on a boat. You’re about a two hour walk from here to what looks like a port town so you set off walking.

The closer you get to the coast and the port, the more beautiful your surroundings get. There’s more and more greenery, and buildings painted in bright colors, reflecting the afternoon sun. You snap a picture of a green one, the color of Jade’s eyes, and a lilac one for Rose. There’s a teal one, too, that reminds you of Terezi. And a red one, like your ‘mutant’ eyes; you only realise after taking a picture of it, that it sits next to a dilapidated shop with boarded up windows and paint so faded it may as well be Karkat gray.

It’s not long after midday and it’s incredibly hot. The residential areas that you pass are deserted, but the more tourist-y streets on the coast are packed with Americans and British people milling about that don’t understand a siesta. And you suppose you’re one of them, blending in with your sunburn from the last time you were, or will ever be, on that roof. Maybe it’s that thought, or finally being out of that dark semi-truck, that makes you smile.

At the port, you look for the cheapest boat tour, preferably something a little sketchy, that’d be fine dropping a child at a random island. And after three attempts at asking, you find a guy with a little fishing trawler willing to take you there, for the rest of your money – or that guy in Houston’s money.

Shit, you’ve broken so many laws in the last however long it’s been.

x

I know it gets hard sometimes

Taking out your shit on the ones you like

You know, I didn't feel alright

Until you spoke to me

x

The boat journey isn’t bad at all. You’ve never been on a boat before but you always wanted to. Twice your brother took you down to the coast. The first time, you’d had a great day, skipping rocks and watching the gulls fight over abandoned fries. Then you had wandered to look at the boats in the harbor and Bro had found you, and pushed your face into the sand as punishment and you had sand in your eyes for days. The second time, he’d taken you to teach you to dive and flip off the end of the dock. That was kind of fun, you guess, but memories with Bro are sort of tainted with a sourness that tastes like iron, like blood.

You spend most of the boat journey trying to avoid the sun, which is starting to prickle your sunburn and make you a bit nauseous. You’re not sure if that’s sunstroke or hunger, though. The salt spray from the ocean makes your shades kind of blurred and sticky and matts your overgrown bangs. You’re going to stink by the time you get to Jade’s; you’ve had no toothbrush, no deodorant, and no shower for days. You sniff yourself and you smell like sweat mixed with medical disinfectant. Gross.

When you see the green of an island in the distance, you start shaking. The anticipation forces you to stand for the remainder of the journey, staring at the island until you remember that you have to blink. You’ve made it. You’re away from Bro and you are going to meet your only friends.

This shit is gonna change the goddamn world.

x

You

I've been waiting for you

My whole life, waiting for you

I've been waiting for you

Chapter Text

Jade’s island is tiny, probably less than a tenth of the size of Houston, but it’s big enough that you’ve spent the better part of four hours wandering through thick overgrown jungle. You’re not walking aimlessly, though; there’s the vague shape of a volcano in the distance that you’re trying to get to. It just seems impossible through the vines and shrubbery and wet heat. The heat is the worst part, you decided about two hours ago; it’s clammy and clings to your skin – unlike the Texas heat which dried you out. You’re tired. You’re half-tempted to find a more covered area and snooze for a while, but you’ve had enough rough sleep over the last almost a week. Also, it’s probably not completely safe to just conk the fuck out in the middle of this jungle.

You could always pull your phone out and try to get in touch with Jade, let her know you’re here instead of turning up on her doorstep like a weird ass jungle dog – besides, she already has a weird ass jungle dog. You’ve started to regret your snap decision to come here, in fact you kind of hate yourself for it. There’s nothing normal about your friend from another country popping up at your house unexpectedly with a broken nose, one less finger, and only a drug store bag filled with bandages, old blood-soaked clothes, and some stolen painkillers. Like, how can you explain that to Jade? Let alone explaining your ironic drug store t-shirt – which says ‘Everything’s bigger in Texas’ and features a huge, very phallic-shaped snake. You love it.

Adjusting your new shades over your still painful nose, you stare toward the volcanic-shaped mass behind the trees. It seems further away somehow. Damn, well, at least you have time to agonise over what to tell Jade (and what not to tell her). Part of you screams to explain everything Bro ever did, not just the strifes but the neglect, the cameras in your bathroom, the swords in the fridge, all of it. But… you can’t. You’ve spent your whole friendship going on and on about how cool your brother is, if you tell her the truth she might think you still worship him and that you’d be the same.

And it terrifies you that you could be. Really, you weren’t ever lying about liking Bro’s interests; you love DJing and video games and swords and horror movies. So what makes you any different from him? He’s your brother after all, right? And you are made up of the exact same jizz from the exact same balls of whoever the fuck your dad was. Is your hatred of puppets enough of a juxtaposition to prove that you’re nothing like him?

Your glasses are starting to fog up from the tears brimming at your eyes. You choke them back, swallow down a few painkillers for safety, and stop your journey for a minute, just to calm down. You sit on the floor of the underbrush; it’s shaded by trees with impossibly huge leaves and there’s a cool breeze soothing the hot sweat on your lingering sunburn. You breathe. You listen to the leaves, whispering as they brush against each other. You can still hear the sea, rhythmically bumping against the rotting wood of the jetty somewhere. You hum over the natural beat of the wildness around you. The music in your head stops time for you again, and you tap your finger lightly against your knee to count thirty seconds before you come back to reality…

21…22…23…

Before you can finish the countdown, you are interrupted by rustling in the brush to your left, and you instinctively grab a stick from the ground beside you. You leap into a defensive position, almost certain that Bro has followed you. Your eyes narrow at the parting brush.

A huge, completely white dog emerges. Bec.

Of course, Jade’s told you plenty about her weird dog but in person he’s much stranger than you’d imagined. He isn’t just white-furred, he’s completely devoid of color, save for the green of his eyes and tongue. You’re struck with an anxiety that he could hurt you but you’ve got no clue why. As he gets closer, as cautious of you as you are of him, he gives you a tentative sniff and you swear he nods at you. And then you’re somewhere else entirely.

Bec is no longer in front of you, instead he’s replaced by a pumpkin with a carving in the shape of his face. The jungle around you is now clean, white walls with huge windows. There’s still some vegetation; brightly colored potted flowers, in geometric shapes, the petals of which seem to glow and pulse and spin, giving the room the effect of a suncatcher in the window. And there, in the middle of it all, is Jade, her wild hair standing on end and her hands clasped to her mouth, like that fucking monkey that speaks no evil. At her feet is another flower, a scatter of soil and a smashed clay pot.

“Dave?!”

“Hey. I met your dog.” You go to wave with your right hand, but soon think better of it and raise your left awkwardly instead.

Jade stands completely still, looking at you up and down as if she can’t believe you’re real. You can’t fully believe she’s real either. You’ve seen pictures of her before but in person her lime green eyes are bigger than when she crinkles them with smiles in pictures. You can see the texture of her hair, fluffy and curly and tangled, like she hasn’t brushed it today. You can see the smudges of dirt on her crumpled white skirt, and the dirt under her fingernails that leaves muddy little marks on her cheeks when she finally lets go of her face. She’s very cute. You would probably be flushing if you hadn’t been bleeding out slowly for nearly a week. You probably don’t have enough blood left to blush.

Suddenly, Jade grins, her assessment of your reality finally complete, and springs at you with open arms. She’s slightly taller than you, but she buries her face into your neck regardless. “I can’t believe you’re here,” she mumbles, and her voice breaks on the last word.

You feel like crying too. But not yet. You need to keep things light before you inevitably have to explain your sudden appearance. “What’s a guy gotta do to get some AJ around here?”

Jade pulls away with teary eyes and a smile so wide that her round cheeks push her glasses up. “Follow me!” She dashes to a platform in the center of the room and stands on it for a second, then disappears.

Frankly, you’re getting real sick of these disappearing acts.

Even so, you follow her, taking an unsure step on to the platform, and just like earlier in the jungle, you’re somewhere else again. This time though, your surroundings don’t change too much; you’re still inside, with those plain walls, but this time there’s a huge, four-poster bed in front of you, furry posters covering the walls, and plush toys littered everywhere. Jade is in the corner fiddling about with some peculiar machines, all featuring the same SkaiaNet logo that you recognise from the Sburb beta sleeve. There’s a funny transport-y platform in here, where you appeared, which shares the logo too. Weird.

Jade passes you a glass of glorious apple juice and you down it, realising how little you’ve drunk or eaten in the last week. As if she’s psychic or something, Jade fills your empty glass and hands you a warm cookie, then goes to sit criss-cross on her pillows, patting the spot in front of her for you to sit, and you do. She lets you enjoy your juice and cookie in silence, staring with her awestruck expression, and as soon as you finish, she takes your glass and places it on the table next to her.

“What happened? You haven’t spoken to anyone in five days, Dave!” Here, her face changes to deep concern and her eyebrows knit together like their names are Rose and Lalonde.

“You guys told me to come here. So I did. I’m a man of my sicknasty word,” you obfuscate. You still have no idea what to say.

Jade sighs, “Dave.”

Right, no getting out of this. You decide to make it vague but true. “I wanted to come here, Bro didn’t want me to,” You gesture weakly up and down your body with both hands. “So I ran away, like you all said, and that’s pretty much all there is to say on the matter.”

Her breath hitches as she reaches out and grabs your right hand. Oh shit. “Ohmygod,” she breathes, inspecting your hand. She lifts at the edge of the bandaging. “Can I?”

You nod, numbly, and she unwraps the wound. The stump where your finger was has stopped bleeding and is healing shockingly well. You’d bought some wound disinfectant and bandages when you stopped for clothes and you’ve been doing your very fucking best to not let this shit get infected. You can only imagine how much worse the pain would be if you had to cut off an entire septic arm. Jade reaches over to grab some sort of a cream and fresh bandages from her bedside drawer. You wince as she spreads some of the cream on your not-finger.

“Sorry. My grandpa taught me some first aid. I don’t have to do this if you don’t want me to,” she offers, blinking up into your eyes. You think she can see through your shades and the thought makes you feel a bit sick.

“Nah, go ahead,” you clear your throat. “So, where is he?”

“Where’s who?” Jade looks back down at her work on your hand as she wraps the bandage around.

“Your grandpa.”

“Oh,” her eyes flicker with something, but you don’t quite catch it. “He’s in the foyer. We don’t need to bother him.”

“‘Kay.” Jade clearly has things that she doesn’t want to talk about but you don’t want to push her.

She grabs at your other hand, “Here, hold this for a second,” she says, placing your hand on the end of the refreshed bandaging. She moves quickly over to an extremely messy desk and roots around for a moment, before coming back to you with some tape and a pair of scissors.

A glint off the metal of the scissors gives you an idea. “Hey Jade, do you wanna cut my hair?”

She smiles cheekily at you. “I’m going to be terrible at it. But can you explain to me how you got here while I do it?”

“Sure.”

Chapter Text

You are wrestling with the ungodly fear that you may be vacillating pale for Dave Strider. Sure, black to pale vacillation isn’t common, but it’s not unheard of. You’ve spent the last few days researching black/pale vacillation (by which you mean watching romance movies) in between trolling Jade for updates on Dave. After she let you all know that he’d turned up at her hive, you’d trolled her privately to try to pry. She wouldn’t give any detail past that he was injured and needed some time. You’ve caught glimpses of him through Jade’s viewport. He looks weaker and paler.

You’ve watched Jade too. There’s something more troll-like about her than the other humans. Her hair is thick and black, like a troll's, and she has a feral-ness to her that reminds you of Nepeta. You think she’s probably pretty cute for a human, but, fuck, you don’t need anymore messy feelings for aliens that don’t get it. You will not wax red for Jade fucking Harley.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

TG: jegus

TG: you left me so many messages

TG: mustve missed me

TG: do i need to read all that

CG: STRIDER?

CG: WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

CG: AND NO. PLEASE DON’T. IT’S A) EMBARRASSING AND B) POINTLESS DRIVEL.

TG: hate to break it to you man

TG: but that makes me wanna read it more

CG: JADE SAID YOU FUCKING TURNED UP AT HER HIVE.

CG: WHAT THE FUCK?

TG: wow how much have you been talking to jade while ive been gone

CG: THAT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, NOOKWHIFF.

CG: BUT SHE’S NOT AS UNBEARABLE AS SHE MADE OUT WITH HERSELF TO BE.

TG: uh

CG: FUCK, I MEAN MADE OUT WITH ME TO BE.

CG: WAIT NO.

CG: MADE HERSELF OUT, TO ME, TO BE.

TG: wow

TG: step off bro jades the only human lady left now that rose has her thing going on with your troll bro

TG: i call dibs

TG: wait no that sounds kind of fucked up calling dibs on a girl like that

TG: jades a free woman she can do whatever she wants

TG: which is probably me

TG: now that shes seen my beefcake body in all its irl glory

TG: who could blame her

A strike of black feelings hits you like lightning, from his cocky asshole schtick.

CG: I’D ALMOST FORGOTTEN HOW MUCH I HATE YOU.

CG: ANYWAY.

CG: WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? JADE’S BEEN ALL CAGEY ABOUT IT.

TG: i was making my way to jades i thought that was obvious

CG: OKAY, DON’T BE AN ASSHOLE.

CG: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

CG: SHE SAID YOU’RE INJURED AND I CAN SEE YOU THROUGH HER VIEWPORT WHEN YOU GO TO HER RESPITE BLOCK.

CG: DID YOU LOSE A FUCKING POINT STUB?

TG: oh yeah fuck

TG: i forgot you guys are such voyeuristic creeps sat up in your rooms just watching us

TG: ok so basically

TG: my bro didnt want me to leave so i left and came to jades island

TG: its out in buttfuck nowhere so i had to travel a while

TG: thats pretty much all there is to say on the matter

CG: HOW DID YOU GET HURT? WAS IT YOUR BRO?

TG: ugh ok

TG: ill tell you

TG: it was notya

CG: WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?

CG: WHO’S NOTYA?

TG: not ya fuckin business man

CG: FUCK YOU, STRIDER.

CG: GO FUCK YOURSELF WITH YOUR NONE-EXISTENT POINT STUB, YOU INCREDULOUS ASSHOLE.

CG: I’M BEING SO FUCKING NICE TO YOU AND YOU TURN AROUND AND PUNCH ME IN THE SHAME GLOBES.

CG: YOU ARE THE SHITTIEST PERSON THIS SIDE OF THE UNIVERSE.

CG: AND YOU CAN TRUST ME ON THAT BECAUSE I’VE BEEN FLOATING THROUGH THIS WHOLE UNIVERSE ON A METEOR.

CG: DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU THAT I AM CAPABLE OF SHOWING A LITTLE BIT OF CONCERN?

CG: I GUESS I WAS WRONG TO BE CONCERNED. YOU’RE COMPLETELY FINE.

CG: JUST AS MUCH OF A CHUTE-HUFFING MORON AS ALWAYS!

TG: ahaha classic

TG: i cant believe i missed these karkat shitfits

TG: thanks man

CG: PRICK.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

You can’t see him anymore, now that he’s using only his palmhusk, but you can imagine the smirk pulling at the sides of his face, ever so slightly. It makes you furious. You want to rip that smarmy hint of a smile off his pink lips and bite at them until they bleed.

Jegus. Wow. What? No, you don’t.

What you do want is for him to talk to you about what happened to him and how he got hurt. You want to have a full on feelings jam about it, and you want to tell him about Alternia and your constant fear of being culled. Did he ever feel like that? You want to tell him about your blood and both blush bright red in front of each other, fearlessly.

Fuck. You’re a mess.

You unpause the film – you mean research – that you were watching: ‘Wherein A Rust-Blooded Female Attempts To Fill Her Quadrants When Her Blue-Blood Matesprit Fills Her Own; A Kismesissitude Begins Between the Rust-Blood And A Gold-Blood But Her Feelings Vacillate Pale; Numerous Battles Take Place; The Gold-Blood Briefly Appears Nude For A Black Seduction Scene; 4 Comedic Scenes; The Rust-Blood Dies At The End Due To Her Shorter Lifespan’. It’s kind of trashy but you genuinely find those four comedy scenes to be quite funny.

As soon as you can click play, your palmhusk notifies you again. You groan and pause the film, landing on a full screen of naked troll ass. You hastily slam your husktop shut. God forbid anyone came into this block and saw you with that in front of you, holy shit.

-- arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

AG: Ohhhhhhhh Karkat!

AG: Karkat!!!!!!!!

AG: Karkat Karkat Karkat Karkat Karkat Karkat Karkat Karkat

AG: H8Y! I thought you said you wanted to 8e involved with my plans!::::)

CG: OH MY GOD. WHAT DO YOU WANT?

CG: I’M A LITTLE BUSY HERE.

AG: 8usy doing what? Watching your sad little movies in the dark?

AG: W8ing for Dave to message you 8ack?

CG: NO.

CG: I’M DOING RESEARCH.

AG: What research?

AG: Are you planning without me? ::::(

AG: You promised you’d tell me everything.

AG: I’d never plan something without running it 8y you first!

AG: Speaking of........

CG: WHAT IS IT???

AG: I have something important to tell you.

AG: Me and the Aradia8ots have 8een tracking it and this meteor is gonna 8e getting to Earth soon.

AG: And we still haven't all discussed how we’re gonna get there s8fely.

CG: OH.

CG: THAT IS IMPORTANT. I THOUGHT YOU WERE JUST BEING ANNOYING AS USUAL.

CG: SHIT, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?

CG: WE CAN’T LAND THIS THING. WE’RE GOING TO FUCKING CRASH INTO THE EARTH AND ALL DIE.

CG: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE POINT IN THIS WHOLE JOURNEY AND SPEAKING TO THE HUMANS IF WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE IN THE DESCENT TO THE PLANET?

CG: WE’RE SUCH IDIOTS.

AG: Chill out, Karkles!

AG: May8e *you’re* an idiot, 8ut I’ve got an idea. :::;)

CG: OF COURSE. SURE. VRISKA SERKET, EVERYONE! SHE’S GOT A PLAN TO SAVE US ALL FROM DYING IN A NICE BIG FIREY CRASH!!

CG: WHAT WOULD WE DO WITHOUT YOU, OH GREAT AND POWERFUL LEADER?

AG: Stoooooooop, you’re making me 8lush!

CG: I WAS BEING SARCASTIC, YOU NOOKWHIFF.

AG: I know. ::::)

AG: I’ve 8een talking to Sollux and the Aradia8ots.

CG: WOW, THANKS FOR INVITING ME TO YOUR SECRET TEAM MEETINGS.

AG: You’ve 8een 8usy freaking out a8out Dave going missing. I was 8eing polite and giving you time!

AG: Anyway, stop interrupting!!!!!!!! Do you want to know my plan or not?

CG: FIIIIIIIINE.

AG: Omg!!!!!!!! 8 I’s!

CG: FUCK, THAT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

AG: Shush!

AG: So, like I was saying,

AG: every8ody will need to gather in one place, then one of the Aradia’s is going to fly Sollux up a8ove us as we get near the Earth. He’s going to use his psiionics to lift us and the area 8eneath us and carry us down as Aradia8ot carries him.

AG: Then the rest of the Aradia’s are going to 8low up the meteor and make sure the pieces don’t hit the Earth.

AG: Simple, really.

CG: HUH??

CG: YOU’RE ASKING HUNDREDS OF ARADIA’S TO KILL THEMSELVES?

CG: AND SOLLUX CAN’T LIFT US ALL AND LIFT A CHUNK OF METEOR OUT OF THE FUCKING GROUND.

AG: Well, this is why I’m telling you, Karkat!

AG: I’d like your ins8.

AG: (That one works 8y the way. Fuck Kanaya!)

CG: I THINK IT’S FUCKING CRAZY.

CG: SOLLUX AND THE ARADIABOTS AGREED TO THIS?

AG: Yeah! The Aradia’s 8asically suggested the suicide mission part.

AG: And I know it’ll work. I have all the luck.

AG: Aaaaaaaall of it.

AG: And a little 8irdie confirmed it works too.

CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS A LITTLE BIRDIE?

AG: I don’t know, it’s just something John said and I thought it was cute!

AG: I meant my informant.

CG: OH, THE WHITE TEXT GUY?

AG: You know him?!

CG: UNFORTUNATELY.

AG: How????????

CG: HE TROLLED ME A BIT AGO TO OFFER SOME SHITTY ADVICE.

CG: HE’S A POMPOUS TOOL.

AG: Yeah.

AG: Don’t get me wrong, I 8elieve the things he’s told me 8ut........

AG: I don’t know if I fully trust him????????

AG: I think he’s a 8it creepy.

CG: UH, YEAH.

CG: I WAS A BIT FREAKED OUT BY HIM.

AG: Right????????

AG: Anywayyyyyyyy,

AG: do you have anything to change with the plan?

CG: I FUCKING HATE IT.

CG: BUT IF YOU THINK IT’S THE ONLY WAY THEN LET’S DO IT.

CG: I GUESS.

AG: Oh yessssssss!!!!!!!!

AG: The countdown 8egins! ::::D

-- arachnidsGrip [AG] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

Chapter Text

“Why does your grandpa have so many of these, anyway?” You ask Jade as you haul another sunbleached picture of a woman to the pile across the room. The last two days, after Jade finally determined you were well enough, have consisted of the two of you moving all of her grandpa’s strange collections to the corners of rooms and filling the floors with blankets and pillows. You don’t know if the trolls will appreciate it, since Terezi told you they sleep in slime, but Jade wants enough space for sixteen people to sleep comfortably and you guess Terezi might have been messing with you.

“I don’t know. He’s a weird guy but he loves these blue girls.” Jade lays a knitted lilac blanket on the floor (obviously a Lalonde original), and scatters some squiddle plushies over it. You’d began to run low on pillows and Jade had decided that plushies would be a good substitution.

“Is he okay with all these aliens coming to stay? The guy seems kind of private, since he lives on a deserted fucking island and I haven’t seen him in the last week. I know if my Bro came home to twelve weird gray people in the house, he’d probably have–” You cut yourself off and look down at your bandaged hand. You told Jade a lot, but not everything; you mostly kept the conversation to your journey, rather than what happened before, and Jade hadn’t pushed you further.

She senses your mood shift now and her tone gets serious, “Dave, my grandpa isn’t around much. You don’t need to worry about that. And he would be fine with it, I’m sure. He always loved adventures and a close encounter with the third kind is just about the biggest adventure we could have!” She gulps and goes back to smiling brightly at you.

Time to remix this subject, you think. “How long till John and Rose get here?”

“It should only be a couple hours now! Rose told me they were getting on a boat about an hour ago!”

“And the trolls?” You hope it’s longer. You want a few days with your best friends before the alien invasion.

“Um, me and one of the Aradia’s figured it’d be a few more days based on their meteor’s trajectory but our math isn’t certain,” she smiles, but a tell-tale hand flits to her bottom lip and she starts to pick at it. You’ve noticed Jade does this a lot when she’s nervous or unsure, but you can’t tell why she’s nervous now. She gasps suddenly and pulls her lip into her mouth, sucking at it, presumably to stop whatever bleeding she may have caused. You think that her anxiety about the trolls arriving isn’t just about the math, and setting up these beds isn’t really helping.

“Should we take a little break and have some lunch?” You walk over and casually sling an arm over her shoulder, pulling her close to stop the spiralling in her head. She leans her head against yours for a moment, before she shrugs your arm off.

“Last one to my room’s a rotten egg!” She grins as she steps onto what you now know is a transportalizer, and disappears. Your lips pull up at the sides and you continue to stroll, shoving your hands into your pockets. You’ll let her win.

When the two of you eat together, you sit on the floor in her room, and over the last week and a half, Jade has been sitting closer and closer to you. Yesterday at breakfast, she laid one hand on yours while you ate an apple. You aren’t quite sure whether growing up almost completely alone on an island has made Jade physically affectionate, or if she’ll only be like this with you, but you don’t mind. It’s not like you don’t like it anyway. You’ve been taking every opportunity to throw an arm over her shoulder or place your chin on her head when she’s on her computer, and you think it's sweet that her cheeks get pink and her voice wavers a little whenever you do.

It’s a little difficult to eat the sandwich that Jade rustles up while she holds your hand fiercely, but you manage. You find yourself watching the clock, knowing that, at any moment, you and Jade need to go walk through the jungle to meet John and Rose at the jetty.

The thought hasn’t quite become real in your mind, that you are about to meet your other two best friends. John fucking Egbert: the guy with the worst movie taste of all time; the guy that you have agreed to marry if you’re both single at 40 (just for the tax benefits, obviously); the guy that you could always count on to cheer you up when things were shitty at home with Bro. And Rose Lalonde: the girl that you used to joke that you were like the two Lindsey Lohans in the Parent Trap with; the girl who texted you every day for a whole year that she hated you just because you bet she wouldn’t; the girl that knit you a red and black hilt for your sword for your birthday, and even sewed in a tag with her signature, and claimed the gift was ironic for your sake. You’re about to see them and all their bullshittery in person.

Before you and Jade leave for the jetty, she grabs your hand as you go to step out the door and drags you back in with her.

“Dave,” she starts, and she puts her hand on the side of your shades. “Can I?”

“Shit, Jade, I dunno. Are you sure you want to see my eyes? I keep them covered for a reason, y’know? It’s coz no one can resist me when they’re off. Just so fucking beautiful, man. I got those eyes that Rose writes about in her wizard books, just big, round, wet orbs. I take these shades off and I’ve got more hoes on me than plants in this fuckin’ jungle, I–”

“Dave, shut up.” She slides your shades off your face and the eye contact immediately makes you squirm. You look at the ground, as Jade takes a deep, shaky breath, “um, I’ve really enjoyed this time we’ve hung out and I just wanted to say that– hmm.” She stares at you, blinking and anxious. From your view of the floor you can see her legs shaking slightly. “Well, before John and Rose get here, I wanted to…” She trails off as you look at her face.

You are pretty sure this is gonna be about her grandpa, like why he’s not here or where he is. You want to help her. “It’s okay, Jade, you can do it,” you offer with a smile.

“Are you sure?” She whispers. Her eyes get wider, if that’s even possible. You nod and she sighs, probably preparing herself to say something.

And then she kisses you. Just softly and quickly, but more than a peck. You were for sure not expecting this. You guess you were right about your eyes being irresistible.

Her eyes flutter open as she pulls back, “sorry if that wasn’t good; I’ve never, uhm, done that before.” Jade’s shoulders are high, as if she’s trying to shrink from her willowy frame.

You don’t say anything but you do what you’re pretty sure you’re supposed to and lean in to kiss her back. You press your lips against hers for a second longer than she did with you, and you feel her smile a little as you do. When you pull away, her subtle smile breaks into a full-blown Jade grin and she hands you back your glasses.

“Let’s go, then. They’re gonna be here soon!” Jade sets off out into the jungle, just behind Bec who materialises as soon as she opens the door. You follow behind after a moment.

You walk, stumbling, behind Jade, who is speaking excitedly to Bec as if he’s going to respond. She keeps sneaking glances over her shoulder towards you and you smile at her every time. You don’t really know what you’re supposed to do in this situation; the situation being that your friend has just kissed you and you kissed back. You guess that maybe you should walk with her, hold her hand maybe, but you don’t really know why you can’t bring yourself to. It wasn’t that the kiss was bad, it was just… fine? And you’re not sure that’s how your first kiss should be. You wonder if it happens again, would it be better? Maybe then you’ll feel a spark or pop a boner or whatever’s supposed to happen will happen. You consider that. Jade’s a woman of science, surely she’d encourage you to test a theory.

You speed your walk up – really putting the stride in Strider – and catch Jade’s hand. She whirls around so fast that she stumbles, tripping on a branch on the ground. You catch her and help her stand up, with one hand in hers and the other against her back. “Sorry,” you look at her face and study her lips. “Can we try that kiss again?”

Jade practically jumps at you, and kisses you hard this time. It’s different to before and you definitely feel something. Her lips are parted more and you can feel her tongue cautiously lick along your bottom lip. She places one hand against the base of your neck which feels pretty nice; stable and comforting. You can feel her two front teeth against your lips, where they jut out from the rest of her teeth, and that’s quite cool. You like Jade’s teeth. You’re sort of jealous, in a way, that your teeth are so straight and blunt, except for one that got chipped in a strife. You think John’s teeth are cool, an overbite that makes him look kinda goofy but permanently happy, and you remember what Karkat said about troll teeth being sharper than a human's. You bet it’d feel crazy to kiss a troll.

Shit. Wait, you’re still kissing Jade. Are you supposed to forget when you’re kissing someone? Are you meant to think too hard about their teeth? Are you meant to picture the feeling of kissing other people’s teeth? Probably not. You pull away before you start to overthink it.

Jade is breathing heavily and her cheeks are bright pink. “Dave…” she mumbles.

You think the best thing to say is something true. “I really like being stuck on hellmurder island with you.”

Jade smiles bright and that’s the thing that makes your heart melt, not the kissing. You admire the round flush of her cheeks and the crinkle of her nose. Yeah, maybe you’re just not that into the kissing but, gogdamn, you love when she’s happy.

The last of your walk to the jetty is more comfortable than the start; you and Jade are hand in hand and she practically skips with joy. She gushes about the plans she has for the four of you, before the trolls arrive, the things you can do and games you can play. You mention your hopes of making music together; John on piano, Jade on bass, Rose on violin, and you can mix it. Jade perks up like a dog smelling sausages and tells you about her new computer program that lets you produce music. You’ve never felt happier in your life.

At the jetty, you can see a boat in the middle-distance, not near enough that John and Rose could hear you yet, but close enough that you could swim to them. As soon as he spots you, John must measure the distance the same because he cannonballs into the sea immediately, swimming the 25 or so feet to shore. On the boat, Rose and the tall man in the hat (you guess John’s dad) mirror each other's stern fatherly concern, each of them with a palm to the face. John shouts yours and Jade’s names each time he surfaces for breath.

You offer a hand to a very soggy John Egbert as he surfaces at the shore line, at exactly the same time the boat pulls up. Swimming didn’t make his journey any faster. He clasps your hand and you pull him up and into the greatest dap-to-bro-hug manoeuvre ever attempted. He clasps your back tight, vibrating with what you assume is excitement and not the cold – it’s pretty fucking warm here. You are soaking from John’s hug but you couldn’t care less. That’s your best fucking bro.

“Hey, man,” you keep your voice as cool and nonchalant as possible, knowing how much John gets wound up by your aloofness.

He pulls back and cheeses at your face, “not even the Strider stoicism could ruin this for me.” John buzzes over to greet Bec, scratching him behind the ear.

You nod at John’s dad, who gives you a single wave of acknowledgement and lights his pipe. Great guy. You can tell you’re gonna get on.

Once Jade and Rose detach from a hug that Rose clearly didn’t initiate or care for, you make your way over to her with your arms out, threatening her with a soaking wet hug.

“Dave…” she warns as you get closer.

“Rose, c’mon. Come give me a hug!” You get over to her petite frame and swallow her up into a huge hug, undoubtedly getting her as soaked through as you and John. She pats you on the back sarcastically, if that’s even possible, and just when you think you can let go and free poor Rose, John rushes over and grabs the two of you together. Even wetter. Finally Jade rushes in, joining the hug and squishing her wet shirt against your arm. John must’ve got her too.

The four of you stand there for a while, just like that, and Jade cries softly. You watch the boat pull away and you think you could cry too.

Chapter Text

The space out here is brighter than it was in the Incipisphere. You are really REALLY regretting saying yes to this plan, as you watch a few Aradiabot’s flit about the outside of the meteor measuring, and Equius hauling boulders to create a loose, lifted platform on the ground, big enough for ten of you. Sollux isn’t going to be able to hover this, even with the help of an Aradia or two, and he definitely won’t be able to carry it all the way to the Earth, not without seriously fucking himself up. You are pulling at your hair so hard you think you might be bald by the time you meet the humans.

“How is this?” Equius pulls you out of your fear spiral. You look over at the platform, now separated from the ground in a jagged, imperfect circle.

“Sure, man, that works,” you say, and then you let your head fall into your hands. “We can’t fucking do this. It’s going to kill us all.” You aren’t speaking to Equius. You’re not sure who you’re talking to.

“Are you doubting the commands of Vriska, my fellow blue blood and your rightful superior?”

“Well, first of all, asshole, I’m *her* superior, since I’m, y’know, the fucking leader.” You hate this fucking guy. “But, yeah. I guess I am doubting her plan, because I don’t want us to all die.”

“While I do appreciate your debauchery in insisting to be a leader to those who are most certainly above whatever colored blood you may have, I think your fear is stupid. Pardon my vulgar language.” Equius is sweating. Sure, whatever.

“What the fuck? Stupid? How can it be stupid? We are on a literal chunk of shitty rock just soaring through space towards a planet that, if what John said is true, used to be completely inhabited by giant reptiles, before most of them were killed by, guess what, a fucking meteor.” You take a deep breath before continuing, “And, if by any insanely small, ridiculous alpha timeline bullshit chance we survive, it won’t be without casualties, because Sollux is going to give himself brain damage and, oh yeah, your robot girlfriends are all going to commit the most confusing mass suicide in the history of paradox space!”

Equius gazes towards an Aradia with an uncharacteristically sage expression. “You said that most of the reptiles were killed, rather than them all?”

“What? Yeah, I dunno, it’s something John told me about. The jurassic park, or whatever. It’s just this island where they keep the last of the reptiles and humans can go look at them and stuff.”

“So that is your answer. Yes, there may be casualties but, like the creatures in the jurassic park, some will make it to an island where humans can look at us.” This guy is fucking unbelievable.

John has promised that he will show you a documentary film about the jurassic park when you arrive on Earth. You wish you had already watched it so you could make sense of Equius’ undoubtedly misinformed metaphor. “And what about when we get to Earth? Who’s to say the humans aren’t lying? Who’s to say that their terrifying adult human lusii won’t be waiting for us to cull us for being on their planet?”

“Well then, if it comes to that, I am sure that the last of the Alternians will not go down without a fight.” Equius pats you on the back, leaving a warm, wet patch on the back of your shirt, and heads inside. Not a single moment of that was comforting; you have no idea what Nepeta sees in him. How can she feel comforted by that huge idiotic lump?

It’s times like these that you wish you had a moirail. You guess you and Kanaya were once pretty close to moirailigence, but since she met Rose, it’s getting harder and harder to pull her away from her husktop. It’s only going to be worse once you meet up with the humans. You wonder which quadrant that whole thing will settle in for Kanaya, or if Rose will insist on fitting it into human romance standards. Or maybe it won’t work out at all – although, the few times you’ve snuck down to consult Nepeta’s shipping charts, you get the sense that the number one all time shipper girl believes it will.

You consider for a moment messaging Dave, telling him your fears and feelings about the insane arrival plan, but as much as you’d like that to be something you could do, you know he probably wouldn’t get it. He’d likely deflect everything and turn it into another hoofbeastshit rampage. Fuck that.

But, then again, what do you have to lose? He won’t understand if you try to act pale with him anyway, not to mention the fact that you’re probably going to die in a few days. And at least you can get in one more round of intense, confusing black flirtation before you explode.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

CG: HI.

CG: CAN YOU NOT BE A HOOFBEASTS ASS FOR ONCE AND LET ME SAY SOMETHING?

TG: uh yeah sure

TG: is everything good

CG: NO, EVERYTHING IS NOT GOOD.

CG: THE METEOR WILL BE ARRIVING SOON.

TG: i know

TG: cant wait to see how real my drawing was

CG: YEAH, YOU PROBABLY WON’T.

CG: OUR DESCENT PLAN IS COMPLETE AND UTTER SHIT, AND I THINK

CG: I THINK WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE.

TG: oh shit really

TG: i thought jade said everything was gonna go fine

TG: someone called aradia told her it was all chill

CG: IT DOESN’T MATTER FOR ARADIA, THOUGH.

CG: WHETHER THE PLAN WORKS OR NOT, MOST OF HER IS GOING TO DIE EITHER WAY.

CG: THE REST OF US WILL ALL END UP, IN THE WORST CASE SCENARIO, ON A TINY ROCK PLUMMETING TOWARDS EARTH WATCHING HUNDREDS OF ROBOTS EXPLODE.

CG: AND IN THE BEST CASE, WE END UP ON AN ALIEN PLANET THAT WE DON’T KNOW IF WE CAN TRUST, WITH DEAD FRIENDS.

TG: you dont trust us

CG: WELL, I THINK YOU GUYS ARE KIDS, LIKE US, BUT FROM A STUPID FUCKING BABY PLANET WHERE YOU’RE CODDLED TO BELIEVE EVERYTHING IS ALL SUNSHINE AND RAINBOWS.

CG: BUT JOHN TOLD ME ABOUT SOME OF YOUR ALIEN INVASION MOVIES, AND HOW THE HUMAN “PRESIDENT” ALWAYS TRAPS THE ALIENS OR KILLS THEM.

CG: I’VE JUST GOTTEN AWAY FROM ONE PLANET WITH A RUTHLESS LEADER WHO WANTED ME DEAD, I DON’T WANT TO GET STRAIGHT BACK TO ANOTHER.

TG: ok so first of all screw you

TG: i know youve figured out by now that my life wasnt sunshine and fucking rainbows

TG: rose has interrogated me enough in the last 24 hours that i think you guys have pretty much guessed at my entire fucking situation

TG: and this isnt me saying wah wah feel sorry for me

TG: this is me saying that i know enough to not just trust every guy who pops up in my dms claiming to be some alien like a super weird booty call

TG: and second

TG: john watches too many movies and knows nothing about real life politics

TG: obama wouldnt lock you up or kill you

TG: hes the most down to earth motherfucker that could ever be in charge

TG: hed probably just give you a sick fist bump and make all your dreams come true

CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS A FIST BUMP? LIKE A PUNCH?

CG: AND WHO THE FUCK IS OBAMA, FOR THAT MATTER?

TG: obama is the most beautiful wonderful man to ever be human president

TG: and ill show you what a fist bump is when you get here man

CG: IS THAT A THREAT?

TG: yes definitely

TG: listen i gotta go

TG: john doesnt like it when im on my phone during a movie

TG: are you gonna be ok

TG: im sure the plan will go fine and if youre scared about stuff you should ask jade

TG: shes smart as fuck and she always knows what to do

TG: plus her and rose are alone and im scared of what theyll talk about

CG: I’LL BE FINE.

CG: AND DAVE?

TG: sup

CG: THANKS FOR, YOU KNOW, NOT BEING AN ASSHOLE ABOUT THIS.

TG: for sure man

TG: i was just being a friend

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

That was so pale that you have to hold yourself back from sending a diamond emoticon. You feel better about the meteor, even though, you guess, you didn’t really talk about it, but you also feel awful. Jegus, having a crush is hell.

You notice that another message came through while you were talking to Dave.

-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

EB: karkaaaaaaaat!!

EB: leave dave alone! we were just about to start a movie >:|

EB: ughhhhh.

EB: i know you of all people understand the importance of film-watching etiquette.

EB: it’s such a good one, too!

EB: armageddon, starring bruce willis and liv tyler, who is like the ultimate beautiful hollywood woman.

EB: it’s soooo good, i’ll have to show you it when you get here.

EB: it’s about this huge fucking meteor heading for earth so the government send some regular old blue-collar workers to destroy it.

EB: huh!! i just realised that you guys are on a huge meteor heading to earth!

EB: let’s hope the government doesn’t blow you guys up, LOL!! :D

EB: oh shit, dave’s put his phone away.

EB: okayy, see you soon!!

-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

There goes your moment of calm. Thanks a lot, John fucking Egbert.

Chapter Text

Jade says the trolls arrive tomorrow.

It’s gonna be weird; you’ve only just begun to get used to the days with John, Jade and Rose. The four of you have mostly been chatting, getting to know one another in this new context. It’s been fun but strange and so has the whole thing with Jade.

She keeps kissing you. It’s okay. You do, though, enjoy when she hugs you tight or holds your hand or dozes off with her head on your shoulder. And so what if you like the cutesy stuff more than the kissing? You’re only thirteen – it’s probably normal. You don’t have anyone to ask what normal is anyway; the only other thirteen year old guy on this island is John Egbert, who is a pretty far way from normal and definitely hasn’t kissed a girl yet. You suppose you could talk to John’s dad because he was probably thirteen once, maybe. Or maybe he came out of the womb with a fedora and a pipe stuck to his lip. There’s also Jade’s elusive grandpa, somewhere supposedly, but even if you could find him, you’re not sure how someone would react to “is it normal to not really like kissing your kind-of-girlfriend who, by the way, is your granddaughter?”. You don’t think that’d go over well with anyone. Yeah, you’ll just work with the assumption that you’re normal for now.

The worry still nags at you, though, which is why your body stiffens up when Rose slyly suggests truth or dare as a game for your last night, just the four of you. John’s dad has spent the last few days sitting on a lawn chair outside with his pipe, tapping at his PDA, and periodically coming inside to make food, so you truly do feel like unsupervised teens. Truth or dare, or spin the bottle, or seven minutes in heaven, or whatever are definitely thematically appropriate. John enthusiastically agrees to Rose’s game. He’d never admit it but he’s as big a gossip as her. The two of them have not-so-subtly been trying to get answers out of you and Jade about what’s happening between you two. You haven’t said shit and, kindly, neither has Jade.

But now you’re roped into a game of answering bullshit questions and doing bullshit challenges by a very convincing blonde girl.

“Okay, who goes first?” John grins as he settles on the floor. There’s free chairs (so many) yet he opts for the floor to sit next to Bec and wind a hand into his fur.

Rose raises an eyebrow from an appropriately dramatic armchair, like she’s a movie villain. “Let’s spin a bottle to see who asks first.”

“Jegus fucking christ, we’re a couple of teen movie stereotypes. Next we’ll be skinny dipping in the ocean and running away from a guy with a hook for a hand that wants to kill horny teenagers,” you groan.

“Who said anything about being horny? Very telling analogy there, Dave.”

“You’re like the fucking Cheshire Cat and Sigmund Freud procreated and had a fucked up, half-cat, half-Austrian lunatic baby.” Rose is looking at you with a face of pure delight, barely contained at your mention of procreation. “Stop it. Stop looking at me like that. Stop. Rose,” you let out an overly dramatic sigh. “Fine. Let’s play this dumb game for dumb half-psychologist babies.”

Rose spins an empty wine bottle on the table (fuck knows where she got that) and it rolls around and around until it points at Jade. John and Rose look genuinely disappointed.

“Ooh!! Okay, hmm, let me think…” Jade actually puts a hand to her chin to think. “Okay, I got it. John, truth or dare?” She hangs over the edge of the sofa on her knees to look at his face.

“Dare!!” John shouts so abruptly and loudly that his father flashes a look through the window.

Jade hesitates for a moment, “um, okay! I dare you to re-enact the end scene from Con Air with Bec!”

A little bit of a lame dare. You’re pretty sure John would’ve done that without being dared but dares are always the less interesting part of this game.

But nothing could have prepared you to see John Egbert immediately whip his shirt off over his head to reveal a white vest underneath. He begins singing, sometimes interrupting himself with the lines from the script and passing a nearby squiddle to a very confused Bec. You pull your phone out to film as John starts hugging Bec who, spooked by the sudden movement, starts growling with a lip curled back. But mini Nic Cage is so committed to his performance, and butchering a Texan accent, that he keeps going, now with fear in his eyes.

You were wrong; that dare was great. And this video? Pure movie magic. The three of you clap and whoop as John strikes a pose.

John tugs his shirt back on and Bec flashes away to curl up on the sofa to your left. “Okay, my turn to ask someone? Right?” John pants.

“Go ahead,” Rose says to him, but her eyes are trained on where Jade has sat back on the sofa and curled her arm around yours. Evidently, nothing gets past Lalonde, and she expects John to ask the same thing that she would.

“Okay, Dave. Truth or dare?”

Easy solution. “Dare.” You smirk at Rose.

John chuckles darkly, like he’s got a goddamn backup plan. “Kiss Jade.”

Shit. You’re pretty sure John caught the two of you kissing the other night, just walked into Jade’s room in the middle of the day. No respect for your privacy. You look at Jade; she looks nervous but, of course, not unwilling.

“Fuck, man. I don’t know. I mean, have you seen me? Poor Jade would end up helpless if I just kissed her in the middle of a game like this. I don’t wanna do that to her. Plus, there’s the whole issue of consent, like, bro, you shouldn’t force people to kiss just for your own cuckold fetish pleasure. Frankly, I’m disappointed in you, man,” you ramble nervously, eyeing Jade.

“Jade, do you mind kissing Dave?” Rose asks.

Jade goes redder than you’ve ever seen her. “Um, I mean, if he’s okay with it, I guess,” she mumbles, sheepish.

“God, okay you fucking creeps.” You turn to Jade and pull her in. If John and Rose want to see a kiss then they’re gonna see *a kiss*.

You kiss Jade hard, with your lips parted and use your tongue. You put your good hand on the back of her head to pull her near you, and Jade gets the memo, because she puts her fingers on the bottom of your face and traces her tongue over your teeth. When you pull away, you make sure to let a little string of spit hang between you for a moment. Then you sit back, arms folded behind your head.

“Did that do it for you, Egbert?” you say in the coolest tone you can manage, despite that awful doubt digging away at your head.

John looks disgusted, holding a hand up in front of his face. “Eww. I didn’t mean like that!”

You look at Rose over your glasses, she looks quietly pleased. Time for revenge. “Hey Rose. Truth or dare?”

She grins. “Truth.”

“What’s the deal with Kanaya? Tell us about him.” To your surprise, Rose chuckles in response.

“Wait, isn’t Kanaya a girl?” Jade asks.

Huh? No, wait. Didn’t Karkat tell you they were going red for each other or something? You must’ve got the name wrong. It began with a K, though, for definite. You make a list of the troll names you’ve heard in your head. There’s only two K names and it definitely isn’t Karkat. Hmm.

“Kanaya is a very good friend. She is the troll I’ve spoken to most and I feel a very close kinship with her. That’s all there is to say on the matter.”

But you swear they were flirting. All the trolls were calling them matespirits or whatever, right? “But,” you start, and then you realise you’re not quite sure where that sentence should go.

Thank fuck for John’s lack of tact. “Which one is your alien boyfriend, then? I thought it was GA, which is Kanaya, right?”

“I never said anything about a romantic entanglement. I believe it was Dave that initially suggested that,” Rose points out. “But yes, Kanaya’s trollian handle is GA, grimAuxilitrix.”

“So,” Jade’s turn to try and parse more information from Rose’s clamped lips. “Are you excited to meet her?”

Rose smiles thoughtfully. “You know, I am aware that you three have been my friends for years, but I think I am similarly excited to meet her as I was you all. Is that weird?”

“Yes,” you say before you can even think. Wait, that was rude. “I mean, you’ve known her for like a month, Rose. You know nothing about her. And she’s, y’know, a girl.”

Her eyes narrow, “what do you mean by that, Dave?”

You don’t know. If they’re just friends, then why would Rose be so excited to see her? But if they’re more than friends… but, Rose isn’t gay. “I dunno, like, I guess, what if I said, ‘fuck, I’m more excited to meet Karkat than I was John’. I think it’d be pretty weird.”

“That depends,” Rose tilts her head like she’s trying to get a better look at a painting in a museum. “How close are you with Karkat?”

What the hell is she trying to say? “Not very. He’s cool sometimes but in the way that an angry toddler having a temper tantrum in a walmart is cool. Like, I respect the kid for throwing himself on the floor but I’d be pretty fucking pleased if he shut up once in a while.”

“Then, yes, that would be weird. I suppose what I’m trying to say is, I don’t think my friendship with Kanaya is comparable to your frenemy thing that you and Karkat have going on.”

You’re gonna have to ask her straight up. “So you’re gay.” It comes out more accusatory than you meant for.

“Sorry, Dave. It’s my turn, now, you’ll have to wait until your next turn to ask me that.” Rose’s conniving smile is back. “Anyway, truth or dare?” She points at you.

“Truth.”

“What’s going on between you and Jade?” Shit. You were so sure that the topic of conversation had moved on and that she’d ask you about gay shit or if you’d kiss Karkat or something.

Deflect. “What do you mean?”

Rose starts counting on her fingers as she speaks, “well, John caught you kissing two days ago, you have been holding hands since we arrived, you were alone here for a short while, and then that kiss earlier didn’t seem unnatural for the two of you. It’s not hard to work out that if Jade seems to have kissing experience, it must have been with you.”

You look at Jade. She seems just as interested as John does. Both their eyes are wide and they’re both leaned towards you. You swear that sometimes the two of them look related.

“Does it really matter?” you ask.

“Does my sexuality and the nature of my relationship with Kanaya really matter?” Rose counters. The two of you glare at each other for a while.

Until Jade speaks, “we’ve been kissing but we haven’t really said that we’re dating or anything. I don’t really know if Dave wants to be my boyfriend.”

You whirl around, incredulous. You’re pretty sure she just sort of asked you out. In front of Rose and John. “Um, yeah.”

Jade looks up at you, searching behind your shades. “What?”

“Sure, yeah. I guess we were already sort of doing boyfriend-girlfriend stuff like kissing and holding hands, so no big deal right?” Yeah, this feels right, you think. It makes sense.

“Oh my god!” John gasps as if you’d just proposed. “I’m so pleased for you guys! My two best friends in love!”

Hopy shit, no one said anything about love. You go rigid. “Erm–”

“I think it’s a little early for love, John,” Rose’s expression has softened. She seems satisfied with the boyfriend-girlfriend thing, without the need for a full-blown love story. “Your turn again, Dave. I believe you had a question for me?”

You can’t ask if she’s gay now, not after she just saved you from the L-word. Jade hasn’t had a go. “Jade. Truth or dare?” Rose makes eye contact with you and mouths a thank you.

“I guess I’ll go… truth!”

You could ask so many things. How does she feel when she kisses you? That would be the worst possible idea. Where’s her grandpa? She seems to be avoiding that conversation. Hm. You think about what would be interesting. Jade’s a pretty open book.

“Got it,” you point a finger at her. “Which trolls are you happy to be meeting, and who don’t you wanna meet?”

Jade answers that she’s a bit scared to meet Karkat and you full-on laugh. The game goes on like that. Gone are the hard-hitting questions. John admits that he has a slight crush on Vriska, Rose describes Kanaya in three words (eloquent, fashionable, and genial), you are dared to cuddle with John for a round without saying no homo, and Jade does a very accurate portrayal of John Egbert as Nic Cage in Con Air.

When John’s dad comes back inside, he waves goodnight to you all and kisses John on the top of his head. You think about your guardian, how he never did anything like that, how all you got from him was broken bones and one less finger. You need to get this Bro shit off your chest and you think you owe Rose for being a bit problematic earlier. Time to kill two birds with one shitty sword and let Rose shrink your fucked up head.

John excuses himself for bed and Jade heads off too, planting a smooch on your lips before she goes. “Hey Rose, before you go to bed, can I say something?” you mumble as Rose gets up too.

“It’s okay, Dave, I know you’re not homophobic. If anything it’s internalised,” she chuckles.

“No, it’s– wait, what does that mean? Internalised?”

Rose laughs and sits back down, smoothing down her skirt as she does. “Internalised homophobia is the result of problematic or homophobic ideals being taught to a young gay or bisexual child, or whatever else one may be,” she says it like a fact you should know. “Due to your obsession with phalluses and general self-hatred, it seemed an obvious estimation that your brother was quite anti-gay.”

“Wait, are you saying I’m gay?” you ask, confused beyond belief. “I have a girlfriend.”

“I suppose you do, yes.” Rose’s expression suddenly changes from deep in thought to bright and kind, as if someone had flicked a switch on her back. “Sorry. What were you going to say, Dave?”

You think it’s best to ignore that gay Rose thinks you’re gay. “Shit, well, you mentioned my Bro,” you pause. You didn’t realise how difficult this would be. “I know you’ve figured some shit out but I think I’m all chill to tell you some more of it.”

“Okay.” Rose pats the spot beside her and you sit down there, facing away from her with your feet firmly on the floor.

“I dunno where to start, like obviously it was him who cut my finger off and shit in a strife on the– well, see, we used to have a crazy fuckin’ sword fights on the roof and he would send his creepy-ass puppet to come get me, and, man, fuck that puppet. I swear he moved on his own. And like, okay, so you know how Bro had the porno puppets? They were like all over the apartment and I’m pretty sure he was secretly filming me and putting me in some weird puppet porn snuff film, coz like I know he made porn with those puppets. He sold them with loads in them on his website. And, fuck, I mean, we didn’t have any food in the house, like ever. I dunno how he ate but he filled the fridge with fuckin’ weapons and sometimes I’d open the fridge and he’d have rearranged them so these swords and shit all fell on me and cut me, and I went days without eating usually, or I’d keep shit hidden in my room. And, and I think he would’ve killed me in that last strife if I hadn’t cut his finger off.” You’re hyperventilating by the time you finish speaking. Rose rubs your back as you calm your breathing.

She only responds when you’re a bit more chilled, “thank you for telling me. I know you well enough to know that you don’t want pity or condolences. Instead, you can talk to me any time about this. I can’t promise that I won’t make diagnoses in my head, but I can promise that I will keep this to myself. Quite frankly, I’m amazed that you survived an upbringing so traumatic.”

You give Rose a quick hug before going back to sitting pin-straight. “Thanks, Rose. And he was a bit homophobic, I guess. He called every lame thing gay, and told me not to listen to Eminem coz most white rappers are fags. Oh, shit, sorry. Um, but it is a bit insane he was fucking the smuppets, and they didn’t have vaginas. They were all ass and huge dick-noses,” you say. You probably shouldn’t’ve said that word, but you guess you were quoting him, and Rose’s face doesn’t show any offence. “But I’m not like homophobic.”

“I know, Dave. And, I guess I’ve got something to tell you too,” Rose takes a deep breath. “I think I am gay. I’m not sure. I’ve never really liked a boy and I definitely have some feelings for Kanaya. I keep justifying it to myself that she’s an alien so it can’t be gay, not really. I’m coming to terms with it, but I suppose we’ll see what happens when I have to meet her in person.” Her cheeks flush at the thought.

“Thanks for, er, telling me? Man, what are you supposed to say when someone comes out? Is it congrats? I dunno. Congratulations on liking women; go kiss all the girls you want. Or, I guess the best question is probably, are you a tits or an ass guy? Or gal, I guess?”

“Goodnight, Dave.” She pulls you into a hug, and hisses into your ear, “definitely ass.” Then she stands up and saunters out of the room. You follow up to the room that you and John have claimed as yours.

In the dark, you lay awake thinking. Rose is gay. It really has blown your mind. You have never even considered that someone you know could be gay. The gayest thing you’ve ever done was agree to marry John if you’re both single at 40, but that was under the strict law of no homo. You wonder if anyone else is gay. You wonder if Bro was secretly gay. The trolls are, you think, because Karkat said gay and straight don’t exist to them. You’re going to be outnumbered as a straight guy.

Because you are straight, no matter what Rose said. You have a girlfriend so you can’t be gay at all.

Chapter Text

You stare at the big blue marble in front of you. Vriska’s saying something to everyone but you can’t focus. All you can see is this planet and its single, gray moon. The Earth looks like someone cranked up the saturation on Alternia; it’s blues and greens and swirling whites and patches of orangey-browns, rather than Alternia’s much darker palette. You can hear your bloodpusher thrumming in your ears.

You can’t imagine it, getting to the surface and meeting the humans, so you’re pretty certain this isn’t going to work. You usually err on the side of pessimism, no matter how much luck Vriska has or how reassuring an omniscient guy is. The side of the Earth that you are coming up on seems to still be in darkness, at least, so with any luck the sunlight won’t blind you all as you arrive.

“... and if Sollux is injured while we’re landing, an Aradiabot will take over with her psionics. Okay, any questions?” Vriska finishes as you tune back in. You still aren’t looking at her; you can’t tear your eyes from the Earth.

“Uhh, I have a sort of question, Vriska,” Tavros pipes up from the corner. “Well, you said that, quite possibly, Sollux could get hurt, or if he died, what would we do? As far as I’m aware, we can’t, uhh, kiss revive anymore, here, and he has already been kissed one time, by, uh, Feferi, and I’m not sure how it works with two dreamselves, but I don’t know if it would be possible again, to revive him.”

Vriska rolls her eyes. “Ughhhhhhhh, Tavros!”

At the same time, a fidgety, nervous Sollux speaks up from beside an Aradia, “wow, TV, thanks for the reassurance, man.” He raises an arm to his head in pain. That’s right, he must be hearing the voices of the hundreds of imminently deceased Aradiabots. And probably the rest of you. “As far as I can tell, I’m not gonna die, but if I do, then fuck it. I don’t really wanna live the rest of my life on this shitty, asshole planet anyway.”

“It’s almost time,” Aradia’s voice echoes like she’s in some sort of metal tunnel, which, you guess, her ghost sort of is.

Vriska claps. “Okay, places people! And remember, if you die, don’t be a bitch about it!”

You all gather on the platform that Equius created. You whip your palm husk out.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

CG: YOU CAN LET JADE KNOW WE’RE STARTING OUR LANDING PROCEDURES.

CG: SEE YOU SOON.

CG: OR NOT.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

Your friends’ expressions span the range of preparedness. Vriska looks excited, with a hint of cockiness in her eye. Kanaya looks hopeful, but a little nervous – probably more about meeting Rose than her chances of survival. Feferi is saying a tearful goodbye to Sollux and he can’t make eye contact with her. Nepeta is holding Equius’ hand, her face stoic and fierce and his face blank and sweaty. You probably look like you’re panicking, because you are. You think you could possibly be going into cardiac arrest.

An Aradiabot lifts Sollux off the ground, flames licking from the bottom of her metal feet and Sollux grits his teeth with determination. He squeezes his fists tight and a faint red and blue crackling energy surrounds the 10 of you as you’re lifted lightly off the ground. You hover for a moment without moving and Sollux starts huffing with effort. This isn’t working. Even Vriska looks a little less confident.

Then suddenly you rocket away from the meteor. You shut your ganderbulbs tight. This is it. You’re about to die. Someone grabs your hand and theirs feels big and sticky – Gamzee. You don’t shove him off. You need the comfort right now, the confidence in knowing that you’re still alive.

You feel heat all around you. You hear Sollux screaming and a few trolls crying quietly: Tavros, Feferi, Eridan. There’s loud, dramatic banging growing more and more distant. It’s probably the Aradiabots exploding themselves, trying to blow up or redirect the meteor from Earth.

You’re only 6 sweeps old. This is too much responsibility, to be the last living members of your species, for Sollux to be the sole delegate of your survival, for Aradia to kill herself one hundred times over to ensure the safety of an entire planet.

The last thing that you think before you pass out in Gamzee’s noodle arms is: fuck that white text asshole.

When you come to, it’s dark and you’re laid on soft greenery. There’s reddish hues peeking through the night sky, signalling the dawn. Your friends are scattered across the weird flora and you start counting bodies. Ten – plus you, eleven. You lost someone. You sit up, ready to check if everyone’s alive and to see who’s missing.

“What’s up, motherfucker?” Gamzee stage-whispers from beside you, his eyes still closed. You had assumed he was passed out like everybody else.

“Gamzee, what the fuck? What happened? Are we here?”

“Yo, I dunno where here all up and is, but I’ll tell you what happened.” He grins. “A motherfucking miracle is what.”

You kick him in the leg and start checking on your friends. Terezi’s here and alive; Nepeta and Equius; Kanaya looks pristine, as if she hadn’t just fell from the sky; Tavros is okay, but one of his robo-legs has wiring exposed; you untangle Eridan’s cape from around his neck so that he doesn’t choke and thank god that no one saw that; and Feferi is okay, though for a second you mistake the fuschia tear tracks on her face as blood.

You shake Vriska awake and she looks at you, slightly delirious. “Are we– we’re here?” She blinks around and smirks back up at you. “I hate to say I told you so.”

“Fuck you. Someone’s missing.”

You approach the last body, a little further from the others, and the first thing you notice is a scattering of metal parts surrounding it, and an indigo substance reflecting black in the low light. Aradia? No. It’s just grub sauce. Please just be grub sauce.

In the middle lies Sollux, his face is covered in mustard colored blood. You check his pulse and he’s alive, but barely. He needs help, immediately. His teeth are broken and a few lie on the floor beside him. You try to wake him, but he’s out cold. Shit. Fuck.

“Vriska. Vriska, Sollux is dying. He’s fucking dying. We need to help him, we need to get him help. Shit shit shit shit shit. FUCK! I knew he couldn’t do this, why the fuck did you make him do this? He’s gonna– he’s fucking… oh, fuck, there’s so much blood.” You start to cry, not even bothering to dry the tears that fall. Who gives a flying fuck what color your blood is now? Sollux is your best fucking friend and he’s going to die.

Vriska rushes over and checks his pulse, then she goes to wake Feferi. “What the fuck are you doing? She doesn’t need to see this, she’ll be a wreck,” you yell a little too loud. A few people stir.

“But she can help him. She used to help all those lusii and stuff. I thought–” You don’t think you’ve ever seen panic on Vriska’s face like this.

“Wake Kanaya. I’m going to try to find the humans. This is where Jade lives, right?” You don’t feel in control, but the words that come out of your mouth sound confident. They don’t feel like your words.

Vriska nods, “should be. Aradia,” she sniffles back a sob, “knew where to take us.”

“Okay. Gamzee, come with me.” He comes to your side like a well-trained barkbeast.

“You got it, bro,” he nods. He has no idea what’s going on.

As the two of you set off in a random direction, you hear Vriska, “Karkat. Be safe.”

You start walking and pull your palmhusk out to see if Dave replied. He didn’t. You have to figure out where they are somehow.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] opened public bulletin board: HERE --

CG: WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU GUYS?

CG: WE’RE HERE AND WE NEED TO FIND YOU.

CG: DAVE?

CG: JADE?

CG: FUCKING EGBERT?

CG: LALONDE? FUCK, I AM SO DESPERATE FOR HELP, I’LL EVEN DEAL WITH YOU.

CG: ONE OF MY FRIENDS IS GOING TO FUCKING DIE IF YOU DON’T HELP.

CG: PLEASE.

CG: PLEASE.

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] responded to memo --

TT: Karkat, what’s happened? Who is hurt?

CG: ROSE.

CG: IT’S SOLLUX. PLEASE.

TT: Okay. I’ll wake the others. Dave and Jade have some knowledge of first aid.

TT: Stay where you are.

TT: Is there anything around you that could help us to figure out how to find you?

CG: OTHER THAN FUCKING PLANTS? NOT REALLY.

CG: I DON’T KNOW THE NAMES OF THIS HUMAN HOOFBEASTSHIT.

CG: I COULD HEAR WATER. DOES THAT HELP?

TT: Not particularly. Bec will do a sweep of the island.

CG: JADE’S ELDRITCH ABOMINATION OF A LUSUS?

CG: OH, THANK GOG FOR THAT! WE’RE SAVED!

TT: I don’t think now’s an appropriate time to be an asshole.

TT: We’ll be on our way.

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased responding to memo --

You grab Gamzee’s hand and drag him back the way you came. It feels like pulling a fucking scuttlebuggy. He stomps unsteadily behind you as you try to run, tripping on sprawling branches.

Back at what you’d deem a crash site, a few more trolls are up and gathered around Sollux. Equius is holding one of Aradia’s hands and Nepeta is cuddling into him as he cries, his huge shoulders shaking with sobs. Kanaya is holding Sollux’s glasses and using a loose piece of fabric to wipe the blood from his face, and Terezi is sniffing around, hopefully using her senses to find the humans.

“Karkat?” Vriska is taking pieces of Aradia over to Equius.

“They’re on their way. Jade’s lusus should be able to find us.”

As if on cue, a bright light flashes in and out of existence behind you. You’ve seen Jade’s lusus through her viewport before, teleporting with a flash. It wouldn’t be normal on Alternia and you’re pretty sure it isn’t on Earth, either.

On Earth. You’re on Earth. You got here. The thought makes you lose feeling in your legs and you sit down on the ground. Your head is spinning. You lay down and stare up at the sky. There’s still stars out, loads of them, despite the navy color of the sky, and pink, red and orange clouds swirl around. They remind you of cotton candy, which you’ll never have again. There’s so many troll delicacies that you’ll never eat again. The stars start to blink out with the growing early light, between leaves that cover parts of your vision. You can hear your friends shuffling under more covered areas as the sun starts rising and you know you should too. But whether it’s a general apathy to your own mortality, or a blind trust that the humans will be here soon, you can’t bring yourself to move.

You’re not sure how long you’ve been staring at the sky when you start to hear shouting. A clear female voice says, “come on, this way!” You’re shocked by the clarity. Because Alternian has so many clicks and growls, you and your friends' voices have a gravelly quality that you’ve never quite noticed until now.

When you sit up, you notice that, though the sun has risen, your skin doesn’t burn or hurt. Huh. Everyone else is up now, cowering under trees and in bushes. Feferi is wailing loudly, hanging on to Sollux’s hand, her loud sobs likely directing the humans toward you.

Jade’s lusus appears in the clearing first, a huge barkbeast with a green glow around him. Then the humans follow. John Egbert’s curious face, Rose with a serious grimace, Jade carrying a huge fucking gun, and Dave Strider trailing behind them, yawning.

Holy shit.

Chapter Text

Cal is behind you. You feel the windrush that signals his appearance and you approach cautiously. He’s holding the usual note from Bro and your severed finger.

Bro.

Get your gay ass to the roof. Now.

I’m taking the rest of your shit-covered fingers.

What? You’re not gay. Why does Bro think you’re gay? For some reason that you don’t understand, you feel disgusted with yourself. And angry. You’re not sure who you’re angry at, though. Faces flash through your mind: you’re mad at Bro for obvious reasons, you’re mad at Rose for calling you gay, and you’re mad at John and at Karkat because who else could people think you’re gay for?

You grab your sword and Cal, and go to tell Bro you’re not gay.

Bro is waiting in his usual spot on the roof, but he’s not alone. He’s holding someone in front of him with a sword to their throat. Shit. He drags the sword across and throws the body to the floor, as you arrive. He just fucking killed someone in front of you. You start to panic and drop your guard, running to the body on the floor.

Jade.

You panic. You’re crying. You can’t even see Bro anymore. All you can see is Jade bleeding out on the floor.

And then you feel a hand on your shoulder and you wake with a start, holding a squiddle out in front of you, like it's a sword.

“Dave? Are you okay?” Rose’s face is more serious than you’ve seen her this week.

“Shit, uh, yeah. Is everything good?” Your voice comes out more choked than you’d expected and you’re suddenly very aware of the tears on your cheeks.

“The trolls are here. We need to go,” Rose says. She bends down to wake John and then stops. “You were crying in your sleep. Do you want to talk about it?”

You hesitate for a second, preparing a lie, until you remember your conversation with Rose last night. You can talk to her about Bro now. “Not right now. Just a dream about Bro. S’all good.”

She nods at you and wakes a bleary-eyed John, who practically has to tear his face off the dried pool of drool on his pillow. Rose gives him a brief explanation, that one of the trolls is badly hurt, and she leaves to let the two of you dress, asking you to meet her and Jade at the front door ASAP.

You get to the door first. It’s only just getting light outside and you don’t feel like you had any good quality sleep. Your hands are trembling and you’re not sure if it’s because of that dream or because you’re about to meet the trolls. Either way, you just about shit yourself when Bec flashes in in front of you. You still aren’t used to him doing that; it reminds you of Cal.

Rose and Jade come rushing off the transportaliser and Jade throws her arms around you, vibrating just as badly as you are.

“Nervous?” You say as she pulls away.

She giggles, “yeah. We’re about to be the first humans to make contact with aliens!”

“Nah. Those motherfuckers at area 51 have been hanging with aliens for years. They’re all sorts of chilling with aliens. Barack Obama’s got aliens going over for dinner every single night and Michelle is cooking them lasagna. We aren’t even gonna be the first kids hanging out with aliens coz you know those Obama daughters are friends with Obama’s alien friends’ alien children. This alien shit is so played out, man.”

Jade laughs. “You’re right! How silly of me!”

John appears on the transportaliser looking thoroughly confused. “Sorry, I’m still not used to the transporta-thingies. I kept going up instead of down.”

Rose opens the door. “It’s okay, John.” Her game face turns to the three of you. “Okay, we’re going to follow Bec to the trolls. Jade has an emergency first aid kit, which her and Dave will use to help Sollux. If you need more supplies, Bec will bring you back to the house. John and I will greet the others and see what else they need. If anything goes awry, we will alert Mr. Egbert. Understood?” God, this girl could run the country.

You all nod and run after Bec through the door to find the trolls. Time for a close encounter with the third kind.

Or, you correct yourself as you find them in a clearing, the nerd kind. Most of them look insanely cringe, and you are only able to sort of put screennames to faces by the colors on their shirts. Your drawing was fairly accurate: you’d guessed at the black hair, just based on the color palette, and that seems correct as they all have shining, thick black hair; you messed up the horns a bit – they’re less stripy, instead in three block colors like candy corn. One thing you did miss in your masterpiece was the sharp teeth. The one in the front with the red glasses, that you think could be Terezi, is grinning with razor-like pointed teeth.

“Hello.” Rose offers a hand to Terezi, as Jade tugs you to where a group of trolls are circled on the floor.

A girl troll with short hair makes some space to let you and Jade see Sollux, the guy lying on the floor in a pool of yellow liquid that you figure must be his blood. Weird.

“Hi, I am Kanaya Maryam. This is Sollux Captor,” she gestures to the troll on the floor. He has four horns and no teeth. “He utilised powerful psiionics to direct our course safely and it took a lot out of him.”

“Hey, Kanaya! It’s so great to meet you finally!! We can check him out if you want to, erm, go say hi to Rose.” Jade smiles brightly at her. Oh yeah. This is the Kanaya that turned Rose gay. Or not. You don’t know how gay shit works.

She blushes – a strange sight because her blush is bright green against her gray skin. “Oh, yes. I– I will, yes. Um, thank you, Jade.” She smiles, embarrassed, and gives you a quick nod. You avert your eyes. You’re not sure why.

“The bleeding is coming from his eyes, look.” You point out to Jade, choosing to focus on your task rather than the weird uncomfortable feeling you got from Kanaya.

Jade hovers a hand over his face. “It’s hot. Like his eyes have been burnt or, maybe, exploded? I’m not sure how to treat this.”

You think about when you’ve received burns before. Bro lit a fire on the roof once, to burn some unironic art of yours that he’d found. Some quite beautiful pencil sketches of the crows in your room were used as kindling and Bro had put the end of his sword in the flames before strifing with you. You choke down the fear that wells up when you think of that and you come up with plans.

“Okay, it’s injured with heat and there’s wounds so they’ve probably cauterized, which means that as long as we disinfect them, they’ll close, no issue. We should use water to be safe, coz we don’t know what this human stuff can do to trolls. Then we bandaged around his eyes to stop any more damage. He probably won’t be able to see again. Those eyes are fucked. But once he comes to, we can check for brain injury. I dunno how to help with that, though. We can’t exactly take him to hospital so if his brain is fucked up, he’s probably not gonna make it.”

Jade looks at you in amazement before snapping to work. A girl troll beside Sollux is sniffling. “So he’ll probubbly be okay?” she asks you. Her face is tinted pink, you guess from her tears. You don’t recognise the color on her shirt.

“As long as there’s no brain damage, then yeah. Just blind,” you tell her, softly. “I dunno if we ever spoke. I’m Dave.”

“I’m Feferi.” She smiles at you. Her face is a lot softer than some of the others. She has rounder features and her ears are shaped like a fish’s fins.

You recognise that name. “Hey, aren’t you like a princess or something?”

“Somefin like that. I’m the heiress.” She pauses for a second and sighs, “whale, I was the heiress, back on Alternia. I guess I’m just a nobody now.”

You look at her hand gripping Sollux’s. “Is he your– is he in your love square thingy?”

Feferi looks down at Sollux. “Yes. He’s my matesprit, like a human bouyfriend, I think.” She looks quickly between you and Jade. Oh, this is one of the trolls Jade was talking to. Has she told Feferi something? Did she ask the troll princess for boy advice?

“I’m sorry.”

Once Jade has wrapped up Sollux’s eyes, Feferi goes to speak to a huge, jacked troll. He’s crying over some pieces of metal. You have no idea what’s happening over there. He comes over sniffling and lifts Sollux’s limp body up with no effort at all. The girl beside him, wearing a cat-like hat with two horn holes, grins at you and Jade.

“OMG!! You’re so cute, Jade!” She gets down on all fours in front of where you’re sitting.

“Nepeta?” Jade asks her. “Oh wow! You’re so cute! You look just how I pictured you, like an adorable little kitty!”

Nepeta clearly sees that as a sign and wiggles her butt before diving on to Jade for an animalistic hug. You feel awkward.

You look around for someone to talk to. Rose is sat with Kanaya, of course, as well as Terezi and some other girl with mismatched horns and a weird eye. They seem to be wrapped deep in conversation. You guess Rose is probably asking some practical shit about their journey. You see a troll with giant horns staring at a tree, with his back to you, and a troll with robotic legs lying on the floor. John has made his way over to the big guy and Feferi, probably making the rounds to find out names. You see a troll sitting hunched up in the grass and wonder if, since you haven’t seen him, it could be Karkat.

You are about to head over and find out, when you’re stopped by a Harry Potter looking troll with a purple cape and fins like Feferi. “Hey, you’re the Dave guy, right?” He says your name with a weird accent that sort of wobbles.

“Uh, yeah. Are you…” you think for a moment. “Gamzee?” You don’t think so but his typing was kind of purple.

“No, what the fuck, man? How fuckin’ dare you call me that clown! I’m Eridan Ampora.”

“Uh.” You think through a rolodex of names. “Have we spoken?”

“We haven’t been properly introduced but I heard you were lookin’ for somethin’ calliginous and messaged you. You can’t have seen it, though.” He smirks. “I just wanted to let you know that I’m down if you are. If you get me.”

You very much do get him. “Ew, dude, gross. I’ve got a girlfriend and I don’t swing that way. Jegus, why does everyone think I’m gay?” You march away from him.

“No, I get it. Playin’ hard to get. We’ll catch up another time,” he shouts after you. You’re going to avoid him in future.

You make your way over to who you assume is Karkat. He’s staring pretty intently at you until you walk over, then he pretends to be studying a leaf that he plucks from the ground. His horns are tiny; by far the shortest of any of the trolls here. They look the most like candy corn. He looks fucking exhausted. His eyes are set far back beneath his brow bone and there are bags under them that are so dark gray that they almost look black. He pretends not to notice when you stand right in front of him.

“Hey. Are you Karkat?”

He looks up at you and rolls his eyes dramatically. “What do you fucking think?”

Chapter Text

When Dave walks towards you, you hunch as far forward as you can manage, making yourself smaller, hoping to hide invisible in the vegetation. You’re not really sure why but as you watch him staring incredulously at Eridan, you want nothing more than to go invisible and not have to speak to him. You don’t really want to speak to anyone after seeing Sollux lying there like a corpse, but you can’t imagine what you’d say to fucking Dave Strider.

In person, he’s taller than you’d imagined. If you stood next to him, he’d probably be able to comfortably rest his chin on your head. Despite his height, he’s thin, like half the width of you. You wonder how he doesn’t fall over when a breeze sweeps through the clearing. And, much to your chagrin, he’s attractive. There’s darker polka-dots across his arms and face that the other humans don’t seem to have, and his hair is shorter than you remember from the viewport. His hair is strange to you; all trolls have black hair, like John and Jade, so Dave and Rose stick out in this field, as the trickles of sun light up their white-yellow hair like beacons. He walks to you so casually, you’d think he meets up with other species all the time.

“Hey. Are you Karkat?” His voice is impossibly smooth, with very little inflection, and his strange Earth accent cuts off the ‘T’ in your name.

You scowl at him. “What do you fucking think?” Nice, Karkat, straight on the defensive.

The corner of his lip turns up in a smirk and he sits next to you in the grass. You cannot be bothered with his bullshit right now. “How was the journey?”

“How are you just sitting here and relaxing right now? The sun is coming up. Aren’t we going to get burnt?” You avoid his question. You don’t want to acknowledge that you passed out on a clown and your best friend almost died.

“Yeah, I guess, if you stay out in it too long. Should be fine, though. I can see if Jade’s got sunscreen if you’re that paranoid about it.” He sounds tired. You wonder if he is, or if this is how he always sounds.

“What is that?”

“What, sunscreen? It’s like a cream that protects you from sun burn. I– here, look.” Dave rolls up his shirt sleeve and shows you his shoulder. It’s redder than the rest of his skin and there are patches of peeling skin.

“Are you molting? How old are you? I thought you were six as well.” You raise a claw and press lightly on the red skin. It turns white and slowly fades back to red. Dave flinches and shuffles a little away. “Sorry.”

“Don’t worry, ‘s chill.” He looks away from you in a way that tells you that it may not be chill. “Wait, did you just say you’re six?” He almost lets a smile loose, flashing blunt teeth for half a second.

“Yes. Six sweeps old.”

The smile is really threatening his face now. “Dude, what the fuck is a sweep?”

“Uh, it's a measurement of time, asshole, equivalent to around 790 days. What do you mean? How the fuck do humans measure time? Do you mean to tell me there’s some stupid human way to mark the calendar?”

Dave pulls his palmhusk out and messes with it for a second. “Ohhh, okay so your years are like 2 and a bit of ours? So you’d be like 13 human years, right?”

“Sure, whatever. I don’t fucking know. I’ve just got here.” You throw your arms out in frustration.

“But, yeah, to get back to the matter that was previously at hand, the sun won’t hurt you if you’re just out here for a bit, but if you’re gonna be out for a while it’s best to put sunscreen on, or you’ll end up like me. Shedding my skin like a fucking snake.”

You resist the urge to ask what a snake is, and sit in the silence for a while.

“Dude,” Dave says. You can tell he’s turned to face you now, but you stay turned away. “Dude. Karkat, dude. Hey.” A small stone whacks the back of your head. You feel a red hot heat flush over your face. Someone needs to teach this guy about the inappropriateness of his caliginous behaviour. Another stone hits you, right at the base of your horn.

“WHAT?!” You shout, prompting all the humans to turn and look at you. Rose pulls the same smirk that Dave has.

“Woah, no need to shout.” Dave holds his hands up in surrender. “I just wanted to know how your journey went.”

“Fucking great, thanks for asking! I stupidly agreed to watch my friends sacrifice themselves, I heard hundreds of robot versions of Aradia commit the dumbest suicide in history, I passed out on a gogdamn clown, and then I woke up to find Sollux half dead. So yeah, all round great journey. Probably the best one of my life, because I didn’t really leave my hive before this.” You furiously swipe away a tear forming in your eye.

Dave stops for a second. “Huh. Yeah, not great then.” He doesn’t say anything else for a while and you think you’re finally free from this conversation. “He’s gonna be alright, y’know?”

You turn to Dave. “You’re not a fucking mediculler, you’re a human. What the fuck do you even know about troll anatomy? We doomed our race and ran away to a new universe where nothing exists for us anymore. Maybe Aradia had it right, maybe Sollux is lucky, maybe the rest of us are just as fucked on the new planet as we were on Alternia.” You cover your face.

Dave doesn’t respond for a long time, and you hope he’s gone. “Here,” you look at him between your fingers. He’s holding his fist out to you. “I said I’d give you a fist bump.”

“I don’t…” You put your fist out too, the same as his. He grabs your wrist and bumps your two knuckles together. “Oh.”

He smiles at you, with his lips pressed together but it is a full smile this time. The sun reflects in a way that you can see behind his shades a little and you notice that the smile is genuine; it reaches his eyes. “Are you hungry? I think Rose is rounding everyone up to go back for breakfast and to show you Jade’s house – or hive, I think?”

You nod and watch him leave, traipsing over to Gamzee and Tavros, to help Tavros walk. He helps Tavros up and Jade joins them to check out his robotic legs. Dave says something to her and she laughs, kissing him on the cheek before she leaves to walk with a still teary Feferi. You don’t know if that’s regular human paleness or if something has progressed there.

You get up to follow the group before you feel a prod in your back. “Hi.” A higher version of Dave’s voice says behind you. Rose moves beside you. “Karkat Vantas, right?”

You frown at her. “Rose Lalonde, right?”

It’s strange when she smiles at you. It’s a smile full of self-assurance and know-it-all hoofbeastshit, like Vriska’s, but it appears on a face so similar to Dave’s that it freaks you out a bit. “I have to say, I was looking forward to meeting you more than most.”

“What? Why?”

Rose hums in thought. “I’m not sure. Perhaps you’ll make a good friend for Dave. He’d never admit it himself but he is in need of as much companionship as he can get right now.” She shrugs. “Or, perhaps I have ulterior motives. Who knows.”

Kanaya giggles from behind her. You eye her suspiciously. What has she been saying to Rose about you?

“I sure as fuck don’t.” You continue walking by yourself and leave the two of them to giggle away.

The jungle isn’t unlike anything you’d see on Alternia, though the sunlight is unsettling. Every rustle in the bushes sends your head spinning to see if it's a shadow dropper or a droid sent to cull you from being out of your hive. The trees and foliage are abnormally uniform; everything is green as far as you can see. You now get why the whole planet was green from above. It’s particularly boring compared to the many coloured trees on Alternia, but you sort of like the peace. It doesn’t aggravate your sponge as badly.

Jade’s hive also would not look out of place on Alternia. It’s a tower with two spheres at the top. It’s worth noting that a hive like this would likely belong to a cerulean or indigo blood, because of how gogdamn ostentatious it is. You just know Vriska is shitting herself at this design choice. You wouldn’t have expected something this egregious of Jade but everything is different here, you guess, so perhaps their human guardians design the houses for them. Jade explains that there are four rooms set up for the eleven of you and that you can split up into them however you’d like, and then she leads you inside to a huge rumpusblock with gigantic oversized sofas in front of an over-the-top fireplace.

You squish yourself into the corner of a seat and are squished even further into a corner when Gamzee plonks himself down next to you. He smells like sticky, overly sweet sugar so you turn away to avoid breathing it in. You make eye contact with Dave who is across the room from you, with Jade holding on to his arm as if he’s about to run away. Maybe he is. He’s studying you with an inscrutable expression and he seems undeterred when you stare back. He mouths something at you, pointing to his eyes and then yours, and then he pushes his sunglasses on to his head and stares purposefully at you. You stare back harder, furrowing your eyebrows. His eyes are striking, slightly scary, in person. You understand why humans don't generally have red eyes; it's more unsettling than John's blue or Jade's green.

Then you blink. He celebrates silently like he’s just won a fucking game of stickball (or some sort of Earth sport).

You’re not sure what happened, but you definitely just lost something so you retaliate with a polite middle finger in his direction. Shit. John Egbert’s human guardian is right in front of you with plates of something and you just flipped him off. He doesn’t look angry but you cower anyway. The adult man just hands you a plate and shakes his head, disapprovingly.

Dave is laughing from the corner to the point that there’s a tear rolling down his face. You can’t help but smile a little, in spite of yourself.

Chapter Text

Trolls are weird. You weren’t really prepared for just how alien they are.

The first thing you have to explain to them is that humans are diurnal, a word that Kanaya teaches you all (and a word that Rose didn’t know, much to her delight). Karkat’s fear of the sun makes complete sense when Kanaya explains that the sun on Alternia was deadly to most trolls, other than her “caste”. You’re still not entirely certain on the whole blood hierarchy thing yet. Kanaya has explained some things but the sight of her and Rose together still weirds you out, so you’ve been mostly avoiding her.

You’re sort of avoiding Karkat too. You’re not sure why. Something about your dream last night and Rose’s smirk, whenever she catches you talking to him, is making you terrified to speak to him. Luckily, he seems to be avoiding you too, and most people. He seems to be taking Sollux’s injuries worse than the rest. You wonder if he and Karkat were in a quadrant, but then again Sollux and Feferi are together. Is that how it works? Trolls date a few different people at once? You don’t think you’d be able to do that; if Jade had another boyfriend, you think you’d get jealous. And if you were dating someone else… Well, you can’t even understand it. That’s, like, wrong for humans.

Right now, though, you’re sitting with Terezi. She’s cool, a bit weird but cool. She licked your face when you first spoke to her, prompting your interest in her senses. Which leads to now, where you are making Terezi lick and identify objects from around the house.

“Oh, Dave, that’s too easy! I’m insulted!! It’s one of your dumb human snuggleplanes!” Terezi says as she licks a pillow. By far the most entertaining part of this game is listening to the insane alien terms that she pulls out.

“Okay, color?”

Terezi sucks the corner of the pillow, thoughtfully, leaving a trail of teal-tinged spit behind. “It tastes like vanilla and,” she sniffs, “lime. Green and white?”

“Hopy shit, you got it again. Man, this is some insane levels of talent. How blind do you even have to BE to lick this good? You’re like the Snoop Dogg of tasting shit,” you grin. You find it easy to smile in front of Terezi, knowing she can’t see it.

“Dave,” she deadpans. “You know I don’t know who that is. Is that another barkbeast like Bec?”

You just about save yourself from laughing out loud. “Hell yes, he’s a motherfucking beast. He drops sick bark bars and smokes more dog chow than anyone else on this planet.”

“And is he a famous dog slam poet?” You have found that you can never be sure if Terezi is in on your bits, but that’s half the fun.

“Yeah, man. Stacking up green in every sense of the word. That’s what you could be.” You picture the idea of a troll famous for licking shit. Fucking beautiful. “We’ll get you on America’s Got Talent and you can lick Howie Mandel’s gross old man face and tell him he tastes like asshole. You’ll get three yeses and win the final and go on a world tour with Criss Angel. You’ll have a residency show in Vegas and the world’ll be queuing out the doors to get your blue slobber all over their faces like you’re fucking Jesus.”

“Dave. Dave. Yes.” Terezi almost shouts. “I don’t know what half the things you just said are, but that sounds incredible.”

At that moment, Karkat transportalizes into the room. He sniffles a little and yells a quick apology towards you as you hurriedly look away, and then he’s gone.

Terezi sniffs in your direction. “Hey, what’s the deal there? Do you not like Karkat? I can’t say you’re wrong for that, but what happened? You were talking earlier.” She’s so direct and, despite being blind, she can read you like a book.

You sigh, “I dunno, man. It’s awkward. Like, we were sort of becoming friends and then he flipped his shit at me this morning. Then, out of nowhere, we were having a staring contest, and it was fun again. But he hasn’t spoken to me since. I think he’s flipping out about Sollux. And I know that he’s the flip-his-shit guy, like he’s just throwing his shit all the fucking time, like a bored rabid monkey, but I’m not great at comforting people dealing with bullshit when I am the king of not dealing with my own bullshit. Plus, I had– have you ever had a dream or something that just made you see things sort of differently?”

Terezi tilts her head like a dog with a question. “Dave, I wasn’t always blind, you know.” Her usual shrill tone is gone from her voice. “I lost my eyesight last solar sweep in an ‘accident’ and I couldn’t sense anything for ages. But then I started having these dreams where my lusus spoke to me in my head and she taught me to use my sniff nubs and my tongue to see the world. It was the first time I’d ever spoken to her and it really, actually did make me see things in a different way. I’d thought losing my sight was a bad thing but instead it just changed things for me.” She smiles wistfully, reflecting. “I don’t know what dreams you’ve been having, but maybe it’s not really a bad thing that you’re seeing things differently. Maybe it’s just changing your perspective.” She shrugs as if she didn’t just say the most profound shit you ever heard.

“Huh,” is all you can muster in response.

“I think you and Karkat would get on well. He’s kind of the complete opposite of you. He can’t be cool and chill ever, not like you, coolkid.” She grins at you, all spiked teeth and teal spit. “But you’re both secretly giant nerds.”

You punch her lightly on the shoulder. “Says the nerd that brought a toy dragon with her to a new universe!”

She feigns offence, “Dave!! His name is Inspector Berrybreath and he’s an esteemed detective mixed up in a city full of white-collar crimes! It would behove you to show him some respect lest you end up on the wrong side of the law.”

“Jegus, you ARE a nerd,” you laugh. She whacks you over the head with her cane. You decide, while cradling your head, that maybe you’ll check in with Karkat.

Later, you’re poking your head into rooms to check for Karkat. You find Jade on the third floor with Nepeta, Feferi, and the big guy. They’re all surrounding the robo-leg guy who seems to be translating Bec’s barking to Jade. You have no idea what to think of this.

“Hey, have you guys seen Karkat?” You ask them as you step off the transportalizer pad.

Jade beams. “No but, Dave, look! Tavros can communicate with animals!”

You look sceptically at the dude leaning against the table, like a propped-up puppet. “Sure, okay. I’m not sure how much more alien weirdness I can add to my list of things-that-are-definitely-happening before my head melts, so I’m gonna keep looking for Karkat. Anyone seen him?”

Everyone shakes their heads apart from Nepeta. “I thiiiiink the last time I saw Karkitty, he was in the ablution trap watching a movie! What’s so impurrtant?”

You offer her a classic D-Stri smile. Her whole catgirl bit is unironically awesome (or pawsome), though you’d never admit that. “Oh, nothing impurrtant.” Nepeta grins when you cat-pun back at her. “Anyone got a translation for ablution trap?”

The big guy huffs, “Nepeta, I thought I had told you to stop speaking like a peasant-blood. Olive is a perfectly acceptable caste. I command you to call it by its correct name immediately.”

Nepeta narrows her eyes. “No!”

“Yes.”

“No!”

“Yes.”

“NO!”

“Yes.”

You can tell this is going to go on for a while. You look around helplessly.

Feferi catches your eye and shouts over the argument, “a bathtub.”

You throw her a quick thumbs up and back out of there before you have to deal with any more weird alien society shit.

Just as Nepeta said, you find Karkat screaming at his laptop, sitting fully-clothed in the bathtub. There’s pieces of what looks like a smashed DVD surrounding him and he’s having a good ol’ fashioned shitfit. Nice to know that he even does this by himself.

You stand over him, listening to him scream, for a while before he notices you. You clear your throat. “Why the fuck are you in a bath tub?”

His head snaps towards you so fast, you think for a second that he’s broken his neck. “Fuck off, Strider,” he growls, turning back to his laptop and tapping angrily at some keys.

You don’t fuck off. Instead, you sit facing away from him with your back resting against the side of the tub. “What’s up with your laptop?”

He just snarls in response.

“I might be able to help, y’know,” you offer.

“I doubt that. This is Alternian technology, not your idiot planet’s far simpler computerized technology.” You hear him snap another piece of the DVD.

You shrug. “Eh, you’re probably right. I’m not even that good with human tech, anyway. That’s Jade’s territory; she’s pissing all over those computers, just claiming them as her own.”

Karkat makes a dramatic huffing noise. “So then WHY did you offer to help?”

“I dunno, man. To be a friend, I guess.” you stare blankly at the wall. This is getting a little too sincere for you but you’re gonna push through. Terezi was right; you just gotta change your perspective.

“That’s dumb.”

“What is?”

“The imbecilic human emotion of friendship.” Karkat grumbles. Then he screams a little as he slams his laptop closed.

You chuckle under your breath. “Friendship isn’t an emotion, man. It’s like a…” You trail off. What is friendship? “Huh, maybe it is an emotion, coz it’s like something that you feel. You could be right.”

“Of course I’m right,” he shouts. Suddenly, his voice gets quieter than you thought was possible for him. “You don’t want to be my friend.”

You’re confused. “Says who?”

“Says me. I fucking suck. I’m an asshole who flips his thinkpan over the tiniest shit.” He sighs. “And I’m bad luck. I was the one who led our team to a victory that ended up sending us hurtling through space on a meteor. I was the one who let Aradia kill herself and I’m the reason that Sollux ended up like…” He pauses. “Terezi isn’t speaking to me much anymore after the game because I couldn’t sort out my gogdamn feelings for her and none of my team have any respect for me anymore because I acted like a wiggler when Vriska took over as leader. Why would you want to be my friend, or–” Karkat stops himself and you can hear him crying quietly.

You think about what he said for a bit. You’re pretty sure that to comfort someone you’re supposed to disprove the shitty things they feel about themselves, but you don’t really know enough about the trolls’ journey to do that. Instead, you say how you feel, “I don’t really give a shit, though.” Karkat stops crying. “Like, sure. Maybe you’ve fucked up, but you’re on a new planet now and you can start trying not to fuck up from here. I think it’s hilarious when you have a tantrum over a laptop while you’re in the bath. Is that not a decent basis for a friendship?”

He says nothing. He’s perfectly still.

You continue. “I dunno if people will wanna be friends with me when they find out about some of the shit in my past, so I get it.” You flex your still-bandaged finger stump in front of your face. “But I spoke to Rose about some of that shit and she actually was pretty cool about it. Not to be too cliche but, like, it’s all piss under the bridge.”

“Your dumb Earth discs won’t go into my husktop,” Karkat says suddenly. You turn to see him holding up the pieces of DVD.

You take a piece and flip it over to see ‘LANCA’ and something black and white on it. “Woah, dude, Casablanca? This movie is like, ancient. Why were you tryna watch this?”

Karkat shrugs. “It was in Jade’s guardian’s film collection.”

“There’s gotta be better films there. And I know Egbert has brought half of his shitty movie collection with him. Plus, I could always pirate literally anything for you.” You snap the piece you’re holding in one hand. “Why’d you smash it?”

He holds his ‘husktop’ up. “It didn’t fit in here.” He points to something that looks like a larger USB port.

“Yeah, no shit. It won’t work now that you’ve smashed the DVD anyway. Your tech might be better than ours but I’m not sure it’s built to take a DVD.” You touch the husktop; it’s sort of fleshy. Gross. “Come on, we’ll go ask John for his laptop and find you a better movie. Then you can come back for bath time movie night.”

Karkat smiles and shows off a row of teeth, much more blunt than the other trolls.

Chapter Text

Head on a pike / Plain and vacant tonight

As you cry through your phone / Let the masses support

All the hate that you spit / Keep a mouth full of shit

See your smile out at town / And our shirt that you sport

Woes me

x

You wake up on your second day with the trolls to a girl in yours and John’s room. In sleepiness, you think it’s Jade; she has long dark hair and there’s a reflection bouncing off the glasses on her face. But then you notice the asymmetrical horns on the top of her head and you realise that it’s definitely not Jade. It’s the troll girl that John’s been hanging out with, the spidery one. What was her name again? Visker?

She’s standing over John with her hands to her temples in deep concentration. He suddenly snaps awake like she’d slapped him.

“Vriska?” he mumbles. That’s her name. Fucking brilliant alien name.

Vriska drops her hands from her temples and folds her arms over her chest. “Good morning, John! God, you humans really can sleep; I thought you were never going to wake up!” She speaks like a villain in a really camp movie, which John probably loves, over-extending her vowels in a way that almost sounds like she’s singing.

“Is everything okay?” John asks. He’s naive, you think, and this girl loves his attention.

“Ughhhhhhhh. Yes, John, everything’s fine.” She feigns annoyance at his concern. “It’s just, well, I’m bored!”

John scrambles for his glasses and puts them wonkily on his face. “Oh. Well, I guess we can do something!” He sits up. “What do you wanna do? I’ve got a bunch of awesome movies, like… Oh! We could watch Ghostbusters! It’s this great movie about a team of guys who catch ghosts and it’s so funny!” He smiles goofily. What a dork.

Vriska groans again. “I don’t want to watch some lame-y lame Earth movie!! I want to go out and DO something! I’m literally on a whole new planet. Can’t you show me some things?”

There’s a beat as John seems to realise that his new friend has just called Ghostbusters lame. “Well, we’re sort of confined to this one island but I guess we could go explore it?”

“Now that sounds fun!” Vriska grins. “Are you coming, too, Strider?”

You jump. You didn’t even know that she knew you were awake. “Uh, yeah? Yeah, sure.”

“Great!! Let’s go then!” Vriska just continues standing there in your room.

John looks at you and then back to her. “Uhh, Vriska? Could we maybe have some privacy to get dressed and stuff? We’ll meet you in a bit.”

Vriska huffs and rolls her eyes, but she leaves to let you get ready.

When you get to the doorway, there’s a whole team saddled up and ready to explore. You see Terezi, that weird flirty guy, the jacked guy, and Nepeta waiting by the door with Vriska. She claps her hands when you arrive.

The jungle is expansive but Vriska seems to have a destination in mind. Her and Terezi front the pack, speaking with a palpable tension. You wonder what the story is there. The flirty guy – you think his name was Eridan, but honestly you couldn’t care less – is trailing behind them like a lost puppy; he keeps trying to interject into their conversation and is ignored every time. Behind him, Nepeta and the other guy walk together. You’re pretty sure they must be dating, or in some sort of quadrant, coz they’re always together. You can’t see the connection there, really; maybe big guy has a soft side?

You and John make up the rear. You elbow him softly. “Hey man, what’s Vriska’s deal then?” You remember him mentioning during truth or dare that he really liked talking to her, but they don’t seem as attached at the hip as Rose and Kanaya have been.

“Oh man, I don’t know. I guess she’s been leading the trolls since Karkat kind of gave up and now she’s just bored without that to do? I’m not really sure.”

“Hang on, rewind,” you make a motion like you’re scratching a record back. “She said Karkat gave up?”

“Um, yeah.” John looks confused.

“He said that she pretty much just took over. A full on ‘I’m the leader now’ classic usurping of power. She grabbed that power like it was the last bottle of AJ in the fridge.” You don’t know why her lying to John about this makes you so mad. In fact, you guess you can’t even be sure she was lying, but you believe Karkat, for some reason. He did seem pretty broken up about the whole thing.

John thinks for a minute, then sighs. “Yeah, that seems like something she’d do.” He smiles at you, “I’m glad you and Karkat are getting along. We should do, like, a movie night or something with him. He really wants to watch human films.”

“Sure, sounds good.” You don’t show just how awesome that really sounds to you. “But back to Vriska, I more meant what’s the deal with you two? You seemed kind of into her.”

His face screws up in frustration. “I’m not sure I was. I don’t really know if I’ve liked someone before but all I know is Vriska is pretty friendly and cool. Yeah, she can be bossy sometimes and a little scary, but I think she means well.” You look towards where she’s cackling at something Terezi has said; Terezi looks visibly pissed off. You’re not so sure that Vriska does mean well.

“Yeah, I dunno if liking someone is as simple to figure out as it looks in your dorky films, Egbert,” you agree.

“Wait.” You can see the gears turning in John’s head. “Do you not know if you like Jade?” Shit.

You ramble quickly, “well, no, like, I love Jade as a friend, but, at first, I had a hard time figuring out if I just liked her as a friend or if it was something else. I think she’s so cute now and it’s all hells of sick having a girlfriend and getting to kiss her and shit. Like, dude, you know I’m getting my fucking mack on with her whenever I get the chance but I didn’t realise that I wanted that a few months ago, coz like thinking about macking on with you or Rose is nasty, and I thought it’d be like, the same with Jade.” Shut up shut up shut up. You wish you could make your mouth stop talking.

“Holy shit,” John responds. You want to walk into quicksand in this jungle and drown in it. “What IS that?” Wait, what? You look up from the ground and see the thing that John is staring at.

You have come to a huge pool in the middle of the island, filled with colorful flowers, like giant versions of the ones in Jade’s garden atrium. In the center of the pool there’s a massive temple-like structure with a frog head on it. The temple is a faded blue-ish color and has a little entryway near the top. You’re not sure what the hell this is but it’s definitely freaking the trolls out. Vriska and Terezi are bickering over the danger of it and Nepeta has gotten in front of her big dude friend and has unsheathed some sharp clawed gloves. Eridan has a gun out. What the hell is this thing?

x

Eavesdrop in class / Keep your ear to the glass

Woes me

x

On the third day, you go to change Sollux’s bandaging. You and Jade have been taking it in turns to check on him. He’s laid up on a mattress in the little room just below Jade’s and he’s been fading in and out of consciousness. You haven’t really managed to get a conversation out of him in the brief moments that he’s awake.

Today, though, you come in to see someone by his bedside. That’s not unusual – Feferi is often in here – but what is unusual is that it’s Karkat in here today. He’s reading some sort of book in the same language as the weird keys on his husktop, and the cover looks like those crappy middle-aged woman romance novels that have names like, ‘My Big Dick Alpha Werewolf Boyfriend’ or ‘Fingered By A Sexy Vampire’. You can’t help but snort out a laugh as you see Karkat’s intense concentration on a book so dumb.

He turns to you with a well-practiced scowl. “What?”

“Bro, what the hell is that book? Looks steamy – tell me you’re not reading a horny book next to a guy in a makeshift hospital bed. That’d be all kinds of fucked up.” You laugh.

Karkat’s face flushes. It’s a strange, muted reddish color under his gray skin. Huh. You’ve noticed that the trolls flush the color of their blood so Karkat’s red blush is interesting. He clearly realises you’re staring and hides his face behind his book. “It’s an Alternian novel. You wouldn’t know what it’s about, asshole. You can’t even read this language.”

You get to work unravelling Sollux’s bandages and washing out his wounds, thankful that this means you get to look away from a very embarrassed Karkat. “Okay, then tell me, coz right now I’m fully convinced that it’s pornographic.”

He makes a strangled noise at your mention of porn. “Uh, no, bulgebreath. It’s really an analysis of quadrant vacillation and how blood caste affects the relationships that trolls can make. So like, for example, in this book a pale-red vacillating relationship between two lowbloods is torn apart by a forceful blueblood wanting to have a comfortable red relationship with one of the lowblood pair. I told you before, I have an interest in the psychology of relationships. It’s not porn, you dim-witted fuck.”

“Yeah, but like, are there sex scenes?” you joke. Karkat goes quiet. You take a quick look back at him to see his face fully hidden behind the pages and the tips of his ears are bright red, like a human blush. You snort, “hopy shit, I was joking, man. Is it actually a sex book? Oh my god!”

His voice comes out screechy as he launches into a patented Karkat Vantas shitfit. “No, you nookwipe, it’s not a ‘sex book’. It’s an interesting psychoanalysis of troll relationship politics. There are sex scenes only for the purpose of distributing genetic material to pacify the imperial droid – something that you would never understand because it appears that your randy species only have whatever your twisted version of sex is to placate your insatiable need for connection. You’re fucking disgusting by troll standards, you know? Humans act so pale with every other human they come into contact with, to the point that I can’t tell when you’re flirting with your friends or just being a ‘normal’ human! I mean, are you and Harley in a relationship or is your hand attached to hers for regular human friendship purposes?”

You smirk. “Why do you care so much? Jealous?” There’s something very fun about winding him up, and he seems especially mad that you caught him reading that book.

He starts to growl. “Oh yeah, I’m sooo jealous, Strider. All I want is a confusing human relationship with you. I want to wake up and the first thing I see to be your dumb hipster sunglasses. I want your stupid four-fingered frond in mine. Of course, you self-absorbed asshole!”

“Damn, I didn’t realise you’d thought that deep about it. Sorry to disappoint, man, but I’ve got a girlfriend,” you quip. You finish up rewrapping Sollux’s head, and turn to look at a practically erupting Karkat. He’s twitching like a pot on a too-hot stove, and steaming like one too.

“In case you’re too idiotic to have realised, that was sarcasm. That may have gone over your huge, inflated head, though, because clearly my humor is too high-brow for you to understand. Fuck off, Strider, but watch your head as you go down the transportalizer; I’m not sure they were built to take something as massive as your ego!”

You start to fuck off, spinning around as you stop on the transportalizer. “You’re fucking awesome, man.” And then you leave, feeling pretty weird about that whole thing.

x

It's good to hate, isn't it / Popping veins, dissonance

Draw and quarter a stranger / To feel some blood on your fingers

You take away, robbery / Follow trends as a hobby

Find flaws in everything else / Because you don't like yourself

Woes me

x

On day four, Rose invites you and Jade to a tea party that she and Nepeta are hosting. You’re not really the tea party type, but you think a catgirl tea party could be sick for semi-ironic purposes. You even let Jade draw some little whiskers on your face, and she puts on a headband with wolf ears on it. She looks cute, but you still give her shit for being a furry.

Before you go to the tea party, you catch yourself in the bathroom mirror and your insides squirm. You feel Bro breathing over your shoulder. Your face, though not necessarily smiling, is relaxed and peaceful, and the marker pen whiskers drawn on you don’t really look ironic, more just silly and feminine. A chill washes over you as you look at yourself, somehow both recognising the guy in the mirror and feeling so unattached from him at once. You think Bro would kill you if he saw you like this. You suddenly can’t breathe; it feels like his hands are wrapped around your neck, like they were so many times before.

“Woaahh, hey, my good brother! I love the look!” You’re snapped from your spiral by Gamzee walking into the bathroom. You swear you locked the door; the clown must’ve unlocked it from the outside. He’s funny but in person he’s much more weird than you’d realised.

Bro’s grip leaves your neck and you rub where you’d felt his hands. “Hey, Gamz. Nepeta’s hosting a tea party if you wanna come,” you offer.

His face contorts into a grin in slow motion. “Oh, motherfucking yes! I will be all up and there drinking the wicked sick teas. Just gotta let a brother get his motherfucking piss on first.”

You agree to meet him in the grand foyer and head out to let a brother get his piss on.

Rose has really outdone herself in the foyer; this place looks like the queen of England is coming for tea. There’s a green table cloth with gold trim placed over the coffee table and cat-themed teacups placed delicately around. Even some of the puppets that Jade calls her ‘houseguests’ are purposefully joining you at the table; after thinking about Bro, though, they sort of creep you out. You sit next to Jade so that you don’t have to be beside a creepy puppet.

Kanaya is already here, politely explaining her and Rose’s design choices to anyone who’ll listen. You’re not sure that you’ve met a troll yet who doesn’t love the sound of their own voice. Except maybe that guy, you think about Tavros who sits in the corner. You haven’t spoken much to him, but Jade seems very fond of him, dedicating her day yesterday to fixing up his robot legs so he can walk again. He’s far more timid than the rest, yet he seems pretty comfortable in a room with some of the less loud trolls, like now. Feferi is here too, wrapped up in a seemingly awkward conversation with the muscular guy. You really should learn his name. When Gamzee slumps next to him, the guy starts visibly sweating all over the newly sewn seat covers on the sofa, much to Kanaya’s annoyance.

When Rose enters on the transportalizer, she makes a fanfare of announcing Nepeta’s arrival and you all whoop and cheer at the appearance of the catgirl.

She gasps, with huge, shiny eyes. “OMG!! This is so sweet, Rose, I’m so mewved!” She settles onto the huge, throne-like seat at the head of the table, with her legs folded under her like, well, like a cat.

Frankly, the tea party is adorable. You join Gamzee in filling your teacup with faygo, which is pretty gross, but still better than chamomile or darjeeling. Rose over-acts her disgust at your table manners. Kanaya instigates a gossip session about the trolls' various relationships, and ex-relationships, and Nepeta draws a literal shipping grid on her tablet to explain to you all the best quadrants for everyone. You think Kanaya might throw up when Nepeta says that her and Rose make a perfect red pairing. Even Rose blushes and she drops her smile to purse her lips tightly. You find out about Karkat and Terezi’s weird relationship in the past, and that Nepeta thinks Karkat and Gamzee would make great ‘meowrails’. You forget which quadrant is which, and you’re not quite sure if the ‘meow’ part of that is in the actual word or if it’s a cat pun. Nepeta and the sweaty man, Equius, are diamonds for each other; Feferi and Sollux are hearts; and all the trolls are pretty sure Vriska and Terezi are circling around some quadrant, but they debate over whether it’s pale or black.

Your stomach drops when Nepeta goes through the troll/human relationships, as she mentions that she thinks Karkat has a blackrom crush on you. You don’t say anything, you just join in with everyone's laughter, but your eyes meet Rose’s across the room and she gives you a sly smirk. You feel Bro behind you again and you excuse yourself from the tea party.

x

Prisoner compliance / You'll tend to your bias

Be sure you're identical / To all your peers

Keep your head low / Suggestive

Horror show / Like clockwork

Predictable, simple / Then turn of a gear

x

You’re sort of avoiding all the trolls, as best as you can manage. You don’t actually think that Karkat likes you – or hates you, whatever – but the thought makes a pit open so deep in your stomach that you can’t even think about these aliens and their romance bullshit. That’s why, when the next day rolls around, you ask Jade if she wants to have a date alone, just the two of you. You need some good old fashioned human time.

The two of you are sitting in her room, like you were two weeks ago, before even Rose and John arrived. Jade is looking over your unbandaged right hand as the two of you nurse wine glasses filled with apple juice.

“Dave, can I ask about your brother or do you still not want to talk about him?” Jade asks into the silence.

You let the question hang for a moment. You’re not quite sure what to say. Then you let out a ragged breath. “Yeah, I mean, there’s not much to say. He was pretty much a dick to me, my whole life. The guy shouldn’t have been taking care of a kid and it kind of fucked me up.”

Jade’s face is down-turned, miserable. “So he really did do this to you? Cut your finger off, I mean.”

“Yeah. We used to strife on the roof of our building and it was usually just like pretty brutal training, but he really didn’t want me to leave so he,” your voice shakes. “I thought he was gonna kill me, so I defended myself. I ended up swinging on his finger and he took mine as revenge.”

“How did you get away?” Jade breathes.

You think back to that night, to waking up in a pool of your own blood, sunburnt and with a dent in the back of your head. “I think he thought he was leaving me for dead, or maybe he just thought I was so badly injured that I’d just come back. Or, I dunno, maybe he wanted me to leave. Nothing he ever did made sense.”

Jade shuffles over and places her head on your shoulder. “I’m so sorry, Dave. If I’d have known, you could’ve come here sooner, or I’d have called the police, or we could’ve done something!”

You grab her hand tightly. “You couldn’t have done anything. He was smart about it. He was a fucking ninja at abusing kids. And I guess I should’ve told you guys sooner. I think I thought it was normal, coz, like, John and Rose complained about their parents. It took me a while to realise that John’s dad being a little over-protective wasn’t the same as Bro pushing me down a flight of stairs for being hungry.”

You hear quiet sniffling. “Dave, I need to tell you something.”

“Shoot.”

“My grandpa isn’t here,” she says after a while. You don’t tell her that you’d figured that much. “He’s dead. He died when I was six.”

You think about that for a moment. “You’ve been alone here for like eight years?”

Jade cries softly. “I mean, I’ve had Bec to take care of me, and he’s a good dog, but yeah.”

“Shit, Jade. Bro was bad, but at least I had someone. That’s so fucked up.” She starts to sob and you grab her into a hug and hold her for a while.

After about ten minutes, Jade sniffles as her tears dry up. “I’m so glad you’re here. I’m so glad everyone’s here.” She takes her glasses off and wipes the tears from them on her skirt.

“Yeah, me too,” you agree. You plant a kiss on the top of Jade’s head.

You hear her breath shake as she sits up and looks at you, nervously. “Dave,” she pulls the shades off your face and suddenly you can’t meet her eyes. “I love you.”

The words hang between you. You know you should say it back, because you do love Jade. You’ve loved her for years, she’s one of your best friends. You love how strong she is, you love how yourself you can be with her, you love how insanely smart she is, you love her adorable smile. You do love her. You do.

“Yeah, same,” is all you manage.

Jade finishes cleaning up your right hand in silence and you feel like a piece of fucking garbage.

x

It's getting harder not to lose myself

When you clearly wanted someone else

Staying awake 'cause I never feel safe at home

Double check the locks and hide my phone

Try to drink away peripheral ghosts

Turn out the lights, it's my fault, I'm never alone

x

You’re pretty sure that in the last few days you’ve ruined your friendships with almost everyone on the island, either in your own head or fully to their faces. Except for John Egbert; that guy is ride or die.

You spend the whole of the trolls’ sixth day on Earth playing videogames with John in your room. You play Mad Snacks Yo until the game glitches out and freezes Jade’s laptop that you’ve borrowed. After John asks her for some IT help and she force-closes and deletes the entire game, the two of you play, at John’s request, Ghostbusters II MMORPG. It’s just as shitty as MSY, but you’re having a great time doing an incredibly ironic retelling of the first film. John joins in, too, making his character look like Nic Cage, and doing a dreadful impression of him if he was in the Ghostbusters films. The two of you are practically crying from laughter.

You feel a shiver of dread when someone with horns and gray skin transportalizes in, but thankfully it’s just Terezi, one of the only trolls you don’t feel like shit upon seeing. John beckons her to join in with your game. You think he’s forgotten that she’s blind, but, of course, she plays like she can perfectly see the computer screen, screeching with laughter when her character ragdolls across the floor. She goes to get her husktop so that the three of you can all play together.

When she returns, she has Karkat in tow, and your breath hitches in your throat at the sight of him. You shouldn’t feel so weird; the last time you spoke to him was just bantering about his shitty porno book, but after what Nepeta said, you feel like he’s done something wrong. You lay awake at night thinking about his blush when you took the piss out of him. Was he embarrassed or was it because he’s into you? You don’t want to think about it.

Karkat sits next to you with his husktop, like nothing is wrong (because it isn’t, you remind yourself), and he asks you to help him download the game. You walk him through it, avoiding looking at his face. When you point to something on his screen and his hand accidentally bumps yours, you flinch like he hurt you.

“Shit, did I catch you with my claw?” He panics.

“Oh, uh, no. Nah, I’m fine.” Your voice sounds slightly panicked too.

He fully cranes his neck toward you, you can tell he’s trying to look at your face. “What the fuck is up with you, Strider?”

You turn further towards Jade’s laptop screen. “Not much, ‘sup with you?”

You can practically hear Karkat rolling his eyes in response. He’s expressive to a fault; it’s like he’s constantly playing to the back row. He lowers his voice to a hiss, “is this because you saw me reading that porn book?”

Finally, you look at him, with a smile playing on your lips. “Aha! So you admit that it was porn?” you say loudly enough for John and Terezi to start paying attention.

“No, I told you, it was– HEY!” he shouts, catching John and Terezi’s interested faces. “Mind your own fucking business, you two shitbags.” They make a point of turning away, giggling at Karkat.

You laugh too. “Nah. Everything’s good, don’t worry,” you dismiss him.

“Well, not everything’s good. You won’t even look at me. I thought we were becoming ‘friends’.” His claws curve around the word.

You sigh. “Yeah, we are. I just got some other shit going on.” You’re not lying. Whatever’s happening with Jade has you feeling worse about everything. The other trolls thinking Karkat has a thing for you is just a bit awkward. You need to chill the fuck out.

“You wanna talk about it?” he asks. You feel shitty for being weird with him. He’s your friend, now. So what if he likes you? You know you’re so damn irresistible. Plus, it’s not like you’ve not had a friend like you before. You’re pretty sure Rose liked you for a bit, but then again, she’s so sarcastic that it could’ve been a joke. Oh, that and she’s a lesbian.

“Nah, I’m good. Let’s play.” You decide, here and now, that you don’t give a shit if Karkat likes you, or whatever the troll version is. He’s not exactly hitting on you. And you think you only feel weird about it coz he’s a guy, and that’s probably a bit homophobic or something.

You play together for hours, giggling at the shitty graphics and near-unusable controls. You don’t even flinch when your knees bump together. You pretend not to notice when he blushes. And you definitely don’t notice that your face gets hot when your characters end up sharing a bed. Nope. That’s weird.

x

Eavesdrop in class / Keep your ear to the glass

Woes me

Chapter Text

After a week on Earth, you and your friends are starting to adjust to this new normal. You’ve started to expect running into kids with no horns and skin of various shades of beige. You’ve gotten used to sleeping on a weirdly soft pile of “blankets” and “pillows” instead of your recuperacoon, and you’re starting to follow a routine.

You usually spend some time in the mornings visiting Sollux. Once or twice, he woke up and began screaming about doom and the game. You hope it's just trauma from his head injury and sgrub. Someone always comes in to change his bandaging; either Jade, Dave, or, once, John’s “dad”. You don’t really speak to them about Sollux. You wouldn’t know what to say. Mostly you just read at his bedside, or you play on your husktop. You’re not doing that sad thing from movies, where the character holds their comatose friend's hand and begs them to wake up. Sollux would hate that. If he woke up to you crying next to him, you’d never hear the last of it from his dumb lispy mouth.

Usually, you hole up in your assigned respiteblock for most of the day after that. You watch Earth movies or play games or agonise over awkward conversations, usually conversations with Dave. You’re pretty comfortable in your friendship with him now, but you still pine away – sometimes angrily, wishing you could pull his asshole shades off his face and kiss him until he shuts up, and sometimes affectionately, wanting to let him confide in you about his brother while you cuddle in a pile of laundry. You think of talking to Kanaya about it, but after your unbelievable incompetence with Terezi, you feel like maybe Kanaya would judge you. You feel like maybe there’s something fundamentally wrong with you, like maybe you aren’t capable of romantic relationships.

You’re on your way to stew in your respiteblock, today, – about yesterday’s latest Dave Strider-related weirdness, wondering if you should’ve pressed him further on whatever was making him weirder than usual – when you are stopped in your tracks on the atrium level of the house, by Vriska shouting your name. You whirl around to see her, Rose, and Kanaya having a clearly very serious conversation.

“Can I help you?” you ask, impatiently. You don’t really have anywhere to be but you don’t care for the interruption to your day anyway.

Rose smiles at you as you step off the transportalizer. Her smile always looks like she knows something you don’t, and that often seems to be true. “Yes, I think you can. You successfully led your team to victory during the game of sgrub, correct?” Vriska pulls a face like she just drank expired milkbeast juice; you ignore that.

“Fuck yes I did. I pretty much single-handedly formed this universe,” you brag, watching Vriska’s expression darken further in the corner of your vision. “Why?”

The human girl picks some growing flora and twists it in her fingers anxiously, as she speaks, massacring the stem into pulp. “Karkat, are you aware of the man who types in white text?” The flower drops from her hand, snapped messily in half. Kanaya picks it up and tucks it into Rose’s hair.

Before you can answer, Vriska interrupts, “ughhhhhhhh, yes he is! Can you cut the mysterious shit out, Lalonde, and just tell him when he needs to know? I don’t want to be in a room with you and Kanaya acting out every romance movie moment ever, in front of Mr. Hopeless Romantic over here.” You cringe at the accuracy of her remark. As does Kanaya, whose cheeks go as green as the sign on her shirt.

Rose just rolls her eyes. “Excuse me for wanting to give this question the gravity it deserves. Also, I’d thank you to keep your horns out of my and Kanaya’s business.” She gives Kanaya a quick sideways glance, as if hoping that Kanaya would be proud of her defensiveness. She turns back to you. “Karkat, do you have any idea of why the white text guy would ask us to give the remaining sburb game discs to Sollux?”

“What?”

“He has sent both Vriska and I a message requesting that my two game discs are given to Sollux at the moment that he comes to. Though we can’t prove anything, we believe that this “helpful” informant may not be exactly who he claims to be, and we’re wary of following his advice. We want to know why he wants Sollux to have the discs.” By the time she finishes speaking, Rose looks concerned.

You think. Why would Sollux need the discs specifically? Maybe he could destroy them with his psiionics, but so could any of you, with literal fire or weapons. Hell, Kanaya would have no issue chainsawing them in half. You think back to your game. You didn’t have physical discs; only Aradia did, and she gave them to Sollux, who– oh. “Rose, whatever you do, you cannot let Sollux have that fucking disc,” you conclude.

Her and Vriska make worried eye contact at your serious tone. “Why?”

“This white text tool is trying to recreate the game. He wants us to play again, and he knows Sollux coded the game for us, He could do it for you. He could rebuild your session.”

Rose squints at you, subconsciously plucking another flower from the garden. “What do you mean by ‘rebuild’?”

You realise that because the humans never ended up playing sburb, they have no idea about Paradox Space and its ultimate riddle. “I think that, probably, you were fated to play the game. I mean, your planet has a goddamn first guardian and you were all trying to play it, before most of you lost your copies in what I can only imagine was the most ridiculous chain of events to ever happen. Either you were born to play this game, literally, and this guy wants you to get back onto the right timeline, which I highly fucking doubt. Or, he knows you’re not meant to and he’s trying to doom you for his own personal game.” You think of Sollux and his screaming about doom and sgrub. Maybe it wasn’t trauma, maybe his Mage of Doom thing is happening.

You see Rose making decisions in her head. Her eyes flit between you, Vriska, Kanaya, and the flower turning to sludge in her hand. She looks worried, but she looks steeled, determined. “We cannot let those discs out of our sight.” You see it in her now, the similarities she shares with Kanaya. They’re both so prim and put-together, but there’s a danger to them, a deadliness that can be unlocked if they’re crossed.

These gogdamn broads are shithive maggots.

Chapter Text

-- ectoBiologist [EB] opened the public bulletin board: movie night! --

EB: hi everyone!

EB: i was thinking that we haven’t all hung out together since the first day the trolls got here

EB: so maybe we could all have a big pyjama party and movie night tonight? :p

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] responded to memo --

CG: HOLY SHIT!

CG: JOHN EGBERT HAS HAD HIS FIRST EVER GREAT IDEA EVERYONE.

CG: LET’S ALL LAUGH AND CLAP AS WE ALL COLLECTIVELY SHIT OURSELVES AT THIS BRILLIANT AND INNOVATIVE IDEA FROM EGBERT.

EB: i take it you’re in for movie night then, karkat?

CG: OBVIOUSLY.

-- arachnidsGrip [AG] responded to memo --

AG: I don’t mean to cause any trou8le, 8ut who is going to 8e picking this film, John???????? ::::)

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] responded to memo --

TT: Great point, Vriska. I believe we have a few self-described cinephiles on this island. I wonder who John will let choose tonight’s entertainment…

-- turntechGodhead [TG] responded to memo --

TG: you ever think how weird that word is

TG: cinephile

TG: gross

TG: it sounds like you get off to films or something

TG: i mean doesnt phile mean you get off to whatever its talking about

TG: ok time to confess

TG: who heres getting off to movies

TG: whos rubbing their dick watching star wars

TG: actually thats a bad example

TG: everyones rubbing their dicks to princess leia

TT: I think that the lack of a licensed psychologist on this island is a missed opportunity. I suppose I’ll have to be the one to take up the mantle.

TT: I’d be rich from just one paper on your ability to bring every conversation back to penises.

TG: its a skill for sure

CG: DAVE, SHUT UP. NOBODY KNOWS WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT.

CG: I WILL BE PICKING THE FILM FOR TONIGHT.

CG: I HAVE THE SUPERIOR TASTE.

-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] responded to memo --

GC: PL34S3 NO, K4RK4T

GC: 1 C4NNOT T4K3 4NOTH3R SH1TTY ROM4NC3 MOV13

GC: TH3Y 4LL H4V3 TH3 S4M3 GOGD4MN PLOT!

CG: A PRIME EXAMPLE RIGHT THERE OF MY SUPERIOR TASTE!

CG: YOU JUST DON’T GET IT.

EB: err, not to be rude, karkat

EB: but i kind of agree with terezi…

EB: plus, i already had some films in mind for us!

-- centaursTesticle [CT] responded to memo --

CT: D--> Pardon my intrusion, but I would like to suggest the Jurassic Park documentary that Karkat told me about.

CT: D--> The ancient Earth creatures sound incredibly STRONG.

TG: dude whys your handle centaurs testicle

CT: D--> E%cuse me?

TG: kind of crazy to just be like hi its me the balls guy

TG: i like horse balls and drawing little cocks in front of all my words

CT: D--> It is clearly a bow and arrow.

TG: i dunno man

TG: looks like a dick to me

TT: And Dave Strider is a man who knows his dicks.

TG: hell yes he is

CT: D--> What, pray tell, is a “dick”?

-- grimAuxilitrix [GA] responded to memo --

GA: Before You Receive A Confusing And Overly Wordy Response From The Humans

GA: I Thought I Would Let You Know Equius That A Dick is Part Of The Human Genitalia Found Usually On The Males Of The Species

GA: And Your Bow And Arrow Signature Appears To Bare Some Resemblance To A Human Dick

CT: D--> Oh dear, that is 100d.

CG: NICE ONE, KANAYA, NOW THAT BIG SWEATY OAF IS GOING TO BE RUINING ANOTHER ONE OF THE HUMANS' TOWELS.

GA: Oops

CT: D--> No, I am not.

CG: SOMEHOW I DON’T BELIEVE YOU.

CG: BUT BACK TO THE REAL ISSUE HERE, I WILL BE CHOOSING THE FUCKING MOVIE.

EB: no you won’t. i think equius’ pick was great!

EB: let’s watch jurassic park :B

CG: I AM NOT WATCHING SOME BORING DOCUMENTARY ABOUT ANCIENT EARTH.

CG: IF I WANTED TO KNOW MORE ABOUT HUGE ASSHOLE REPTILES, I’D GO TO THE *REAL* JURASSIC PARK MYSELF.

EB: LOL!

TG: wait john

TG: if youre taking suggestions id like to submit my star wars orgy idea from earlier

TT: You don’t ever stop, do you?

EB: we are not having a star wars orgy!

-- adiosToreador [AT] responded to memo –

AT: iF I MAY ALSO ADD IN A SUGGESTION, oF SORTS,

AT: jADE HAD PREVIOUSLY, aT ONE TIME, mENTIONED TO ME THAT THERE IS A HUMAN VERSION OF, uM, pUPA PAN,

AT: wHICH IS A FILM OF SOME PERSONAL MEANING TO ME,

AT: tHAT I WOULD BE INTERESTED IN WATCHING, aT SOME POINT,

AG: Noooooooo! I cannot think of anything worse ::::(

EB: yeah sorry tavros, but that film really sucks.

EB: it’s just kind of boring!

AT: oKAY,

CG: JOHN CONTROL-FREAK EGBERT STRIKES AGAIN!

EB: wait, i’ve got it!

EB: karkat, meet me in the foyer in 10 minutes.

EB: i think i have a movie you’ll like!

TG: is it star wars

TG: tell me its star wars

CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT STAR WARS, YOU SICK FREAK.

EB: true!

-- ectoBiologist [EB] closed the memo --

You snicker at your phone screen. Truthfully, you’ve never actually seen Star Wars; Bro was more interested in showing you movies like Saw and Texas Chainsaw Massacre, probably as a weird psyche-out tactic. There’s very few movies that you truly love – Zoolander, Starsky and Hutch, Wayne’s World, Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. You have never really been a movie guy because you never really enjoyed the movies that Bro showed you, or the Nic Cage flicks that John accosts you with. God, you hope you don’t have to see Nic Cage tonight.

Other than the intense fear of Nicholas Cage’s terrifying face, you find yourself pretty pumped for movie night. You picture yourself sitting between John and Karkat, providing enlighteningly ironic commentary and being shushed by both of them. It sounds brilliant. However, despite your promise to yourself, you can’t help feeling a jolt of nervousness at the thought of the other trolls watching you hanging with Karkat and whatever they’ll think. And you feel dread when you remember that Jade will be there across the room.

You haven’t spoken to Jade since she said she loved you. Maybe you’re broken up? Maybe she hates you now? Whenever you’ve seen her in the past few days, she’s turned away, avoiding eye contact with you. You want to ask for advice but you can’t admit to anyone your thoughts about it all. How do you tell someone that you couldn’t tell her that you love her, or that you STILL don’t like kissing her? Won’t they just think you don’t want her as your girlfriend? But you do, right? Yeah. You do, because you like her. Because if you don’t like Jade then who would you like? If you don’t like Jade then there’s got to be something wrong with you.

When you make your way to the foyer, John and Karkat are still trying to decide on a film. They’ve got it down to two: Armageddon, which John is really pushing for, or Failure To Launch, which Karkat has decided is the most he will compromise with John. You watch them bicker from the transportalizer with a smile that you’d never let anyone see.

John has taken this pyjama party thing very seriously, wearing his boxers and a Ghostbusters tee. You usually sleep in your boxers too, but you at least had the decency to put jogging bottoms on for this event. Karkat has changed from his usual outfit, as well, shockingly. He’s sporting black fleecy trousers and a thick knitted black jumper, which is hole-y and has loose threads hanging everywhere. You wonder if Rose is teaching someone how to knit – maybe Kanaya or maybe Karkat, himself? He looks warm and cozy. The thought passes your mind that he looks adorable; you brush it off as quickly as possible.

“Right,” you announce, walking over to them and plucking the Armageddon DVD from John’s hand. “No chance we’re watching this again. We just watched it and I had that stupid ‘Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing’ song stuck in my head for days after. Mcconaughey it is and, knowing what you think of him, Egbert, maybe my orgy idea is still on.” You butcher his surname purposefully, to wind John up, pronouncing it as Mac-conny-hay.

“HAH!” Karkat shouts, carefully putting the Failure To Launch disc into the DVD player. He fumbles to avoid scratching it with his claws, only using the soft padding of his finger tips. You can’t not watch and you’re not sure why.

John looks disappointed. “But the trolls didn’t see Armageddon with us! Plus, it’s a love story, really, so Karkat would like it!”

Karkat looks at the cover of Failure to Launch. “This interests me so much more, though, and, let us not forget that you suggested this one first, before you got distracted by that harlot on the Armageddon cover,” he says, accusatory.

“Don’t call Liv Tyler a harlot!” John seems genuinely offended.

Karkat scowls back. “No, you doofus, I was talking about this guy.” He prods at Bruce Willis. You breathe out a laugh, and he turns to you looking almost proud of himself for getting a laugh out of you that wasn’t at his own expense.

You take your place on the sofa beside Karkat, feeling something like nerves twist in your stomach. You tell yourself it’s probably because of the other’s judgements, and you watch everyone else pour in, pushing yourself into the arm of the couch as far as you can.

Some people come to movie night in their regular clothes; some have gone the John route. Terezi has most definitely followed John, wearing an almost identical outfit of boxer shorts and a tshirt. She’s even taken off her red shades, rocking creepy glassy red eyes. Kanaya and Rose turn up in matching green and lilac floor length dressing gowns and you wonder if all Kanaya brought with her was a sewing machine and fabric. Nepeta and Equius have, for some reason, matching tails strapped to their belts; Nepeta’s is more cat-like and Equius’ is more horse-like. You stifle a giggle when Eridan enters in striped purple and black pyjamas, still wearing his cape. You would rather die than be some prick with a cape, jegus.

When Jade and Tavros come in, you fix your stare on her. She has her long black hair tied up in a thick bun, with tendrils falling out all over the place, and a halo of frizz surrounding her head. Her pyjamas match her bedding: blue with little white clouds and suns adorning them. The sleeves of the button up shirt are rolled up around her elbows and her face looks tired. You figure she’s probably getting as little sleep as you’ve been, though you’re kept up by nightmares about Bro. You think about the last conversation you had with her – she might actually be able to relate, with the lack of any parental figure in her life. You’re a shitty guy, you just need to get over yourself and talk to her.

John’s dad snaps you out of your funk, bringing hot chocolates and freshly baked cookies in on a platter like you’re goddamn royalty. You don’t get why John is such a shit about his dad; the guy never speaks and feeds you all the time. He’s like the anti-Bro. Like Bro’s Bizarro. Bizar-Bro.

“What are you mumbling about?” Karkat whispers as he passes you your hot chocolate.

You realise that you’ve been speaking some things out loud for a bit. “Oh, nothing. Just that John’s dad is sort of like the Bizarro version of my bro.”

“What the fuck is a bizarro?” He takes a sip of his hot chocolate, getting a mustache of cream on his upper lip. Your hand twitches to wipe it off, before you correct it. That would be so gay.

You start trying to explain. “So there’s this guy called Superman who has like powers where he can fly and, like, laser people to death-”

His eyebrows shoot up in surprise. “There are humans with psiionics?”

“What? No. Dude, you know I dunno what that is. Superman isn’t human, he’s like a mega-buff alien that looks like a human, and he fights this guys who’s like the exact opposite, like mirror-world version of him called Bizarro and–”

“Dave, shut up! I’m starting the movie,” John interrupts. You roll your eyes, hyperbolically, so that John can see behind your glasses, and Karkat flips him off, clearly enraptured in the tale of Superman. You realise that you didn’t say that Superman isn’t real. Oh shit. Well, Karkat can believe he’s real. That’ll be funny.

As the movie starts, you realise just how truly shitty it’s going to be. Matt Mcconaughey is playing a lousy asshole who lives with his parents and at like 30. Despite his protests against the film, John seems really into it, chastising Terezi for heckling the movie. You glance over at Jade and she seems pretty checked out, mostly just looking around the room and down at her phone. In fact, not many people seem that into it, apart from John. And Karkat.

Karkat doesn’t notice you watching him watch the film. He has his mouth hanging open and is leaned as far forward as he can without falling off his seat. His eyes are wide and a barely-visible red blush is across his cheeks. The half-eaten cookie in his hand is long abandoned and the cream mustache on his upper lip is still there. You want to reach up and rub your thumb along his lip to get rid of the cream. You really want to. The room is dark and no one is really paying attention to you. You could. You feel sick, your heart is beating in your throat. You could just reach up and–

But you don’t. Instead you whisper, “hey dude, you got a little something.” You brush your thumb against your own upper lip to show him where.

Karkat grimaces at you for interrupting his viewing. He lifts his thumb up and touches his upper lip, his face relaxing when he realises the embarrassment you could be saving him from. He rubs the rest of the cream off and puts his thumb in his mouth sucking the cream. You watch. He looks back to the film and so do you. Sarah Jessica Parker and Matt Mcconaughey are making out. That’s probably why your pants are tight and your face is hot.

You watch the rest of the film sitting completely rigid, barely taking in a moment of the plot as your thoughts run away from you.

Chapter Text

“Okay, so you have a few too many stitches on this row, so you’re going to have to unpick them, or frog them as we say in knitting.” Rose inspects the beginnings of your latest creation, another black sweater. She had encouraged you to try to knit something other than a sweater but your first attempt was so utterly awful that you needed to try again, to perfect it.

Kanaya giggles politely, “frog? Really?” The two of you share an amused look. Her current project, a chunky purple cardigan likely for Rose, is coming along perfectly of course. She’s hand-stitching golden appliques on the sleeves.

Rose looks confused. “Yes, like the amphibious Earth creature, a frog. Why do you laugh?”

“During our game, Karkat and I were tasked with breeding frogs. I, as a Space player, and Karkat, as a Knight. Once we had bred enough to create the perfect frog, the Genesis Frog, that became a key part in receiving our ultimate reward,” Kanaya explains plainly, as if finding out that your universe is a giant living creature, never mind some Earth amphibian, isn’t devastatingly traumatic. Though, you suppose, it was worse for you since your giant frog fucking ended.

“So you’re saying that – here you go, Karkat,” she passes your project back to you and you start ripping at stitches with your claws, “that our universe was, in part, created by a frog?”

You snort a laugh and Kanaya smiles too. “Not quite,” she corrects. “That frog quite literally became your universe. The Genesis Frog IS your universe.”

Rose knits in silence for a moment. She’s working on a blanket for each of the others on the island and her current project, a brown-ish orange one, seems particularly pointless to you – it’s not like Tavros’ robo-legs are going to get cold. “Jade will love that,” she says finally, grinning and casting off another finished blanket. She’s like magic with those needles. Except it’s real, unlike magic. She pulls some slightly different equipment from her bag: a single hooked needle and some thicker green yarn. “Oh, shit, wait. I need to go retrieve something from my room. Just hang on whilst I go, Karkat.”

You’re only slightly pissed off at being told not to knit unsupervised because it’s pretty fucking clear how much better Kanaya is than you. Plus, you suspect Kanaya has been getting some private tutoring from Rose, with all the time they’ve been spending together. They must be knitting because they’re sure as hell not addressing the unresolved feelings between the two of them. Rose walks past the two of you to the transportalizer and brushes her hand over Kanaya’s shoulder. It lingers there for a second too long and Kanaya looks up towards her. You avert your gaze and stare at the hodge-podge stitching in your hands uncomfortably. Then you hear the transportalizer and look back at Kanaya. She looks fed up.

“What the hell was that?!” you say, a little too loudly. It comes across more demanding than you’d meant. You must seem frustrated with their beating around the bush. (That’s such a dumb human phrase. Who is beating the foliage?)

“What?” Kanaya sounds just as demanding as you. Her questions always lack an upwards inflection, like most trolls that usually speak Alternian. The jade-bloods are discouraged from speaking other languages, especially in the brooding caverns. Probably some weird thing about how the higher bloods speak less Alternian, so their blood-thirsty asses won’t come down to the caverns when someone's speaking a language that they don’t know too well. You don’t really know. You were never a great troll.

You roll your eyes at Kanaya’s deflecting. “You know what. You and Rose! The staring, the touching, the obvious blush on both your faces! It even sickens me and I enjoy the cheesiest, most vomit-inducing, sappy-ass films known to any species.”

“There is no “me and Rose”. She is human and therefore cannot reciprocate any feelings I may or may not have for her.” Kanaya looks down at her finger where a droplet of green blood is pooling. She must’ve caught herself with her needle.

You put on your best rom-com best friend voice, even though Kanaya won’t appreciate the reference. “Did she say that?”

She wraps a piece of scrap fabric around her finger. “No, but–”

“Then how do you know for sure? Why not ask her how she feels? Why not take her on the most miraculous, romantic date that the whole human race has ever fucking seen?” You’re secretly hoping that Kanaya asks you for help in planning a date. You’ve got some many ideas. You’d be the best gogdamn love guru ever. Move over, troll Cupid, Karkat’s here.

“I just- I- I am not-” she seems at a loss for words, like she doesn’t know any good reason not to ask Rose out. She sighs, “I do not really know how to gauge her true feelings. I have had unrequited feelings before, but this is different. It feels as though I will never be able to live without her.”

You smile, an expression that you rarely feel fits your face. “I swear, Kanaya, on this entire universe, that that girl feels pretty fucking similar.”

Kanaya grins softly and a flush spreads over her face. She looks back down and starts sewing again, absent-mindedly. “So,” she begins, her tone vastly different. It’s sly. Oh fuck. “How about you? What the hell is going on with you?”

“What about me?” You know what she’s talking about, obviously. “Terezi? That’s all squared away. Didn’t work.” You pick up your needles again, to avoid eye contact, before you remember Rose told you not to. You huff and drop them again, opting to pretend to admire Rose’s stitching on Tavros’ blanket.

“I was actually speaking about somebody else.” Even without looking at her, you can tell she’s got a mean side-eye going on. “A human perhaps? One with similarly light hair and peculiar eyes to the object of my attraction? Perhaps one who sports a particularly IRONIC pair of sun-protective eye-wear?”

You groan. “What? Dave? Fuck you for whatever you’re insinuating, Maryam. We’re friends, even if he is the tooliest douche on the planet. It’s honestly a struggle to even be his friend at times, given how much of an obtuse fuck he can be.”

“Hmm, there did not appear to be much struggle last night, when you were almost falling asleep on his shoulder during the pyjama party…” Of course she fucking saw that. In your defense, you snapped awake as soon as your head hit his bony shoulder, because he was sitting so stiff that it felt like resting your head on a brick. “Nepeta seems to believe that you feel something in the black quadrant towards him; I am not so sure. It looked far too affectionate to me. Perhaps you are feeling flushed for a human too?”

You have realised lately that you sort of are having some flushed feelings for Dave, as if this whole thing could get anymore needlessly complicated. It was bad enough when it was just black and pale, but now red, too? Hell, you’d even auspisticize for him if he needed. You’re so fucking selfish. You can’t explain this to Kanaya, though; her feelings aren’t tangled up in every fucking quadrant, like yours are. “Quit it with the perhaps bullshit. You’re not mysterious, you’re just being annoying.” You take a deep breath, “fuck, Kanaya, I don’t know. It’s complicated. Can we just drop it before Rose comes back?”

“What are we dropping before Rose comes back?” Rose teases, appearing from the transportalizer. Great. You put your head in your fronds. “Are you perhaps discussing the nature of Karkat and Dave’s tumultuous bromance?”

You scream into your hands.

“Perhaps,” Kanaya says. You can hear the smile in her voice.

You remove your face from its self-inflicted muzzle and pick up a knitting needle. “The next person to say perhaps is getting a needle to the eye.”

The two snarky girls share a look and speak in creepy perfect unison, “perhaps.”

Chapter Text

-- arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

AC: :33 < *ac arrives with exciting mews fur the cute human*

AC: :33 < *she playfully stretches at his f33t*

AC: :33 < …

AC: :33 < daaaaave!

TG: woah hey nep

TG: shit

TG: i mean

TG: *the coolest human wiggles his tail and then his toes and prepares for this mews that the cat girl has*

TG: man i dunno was that good

TG: am i good at this

AC: :33 < h33h33 yes!

AC: :33 < *ac pounces at the cool human and tells him the purrfect mews*

TG: wait sorry to interrupt

TG: does mews mean news

AC: :33 < ughhhh!

TG: sorry

AC: :33 < *ac explains that yes! mews does mean news!*

TG: got it

TG: or *daves got it*

AC: :33 < *ac brushes past that silly interruption*

AC: :33 < *and tells the human that katnaya has finally told rose about her red f33lings!!*

AC: :33 < i have to update my shipping chart!!

AC: :33 < i mean *ac says i have to update my shipping chart!*

TG: hopy shit

TG: are you kidding

TG: terezi owes me money

AC: :33 < why?

TG: we had a bet on whod act first

TG: i knew rose was too pussy

TG: no offense

AC: :33 < ?

TG: coz like pussy

TG: like pussy cat

AC: :33 < ohhh! im not offended

AC: :33 < its like a cat pun!

TG: you get me

TG: man i never thought id feel so understood by an alien catgirl but look at me now

TG: feeling all kinds of understood

TG: like we both speak the language of sick puns and online rp chatrooms and no one else gets it

AC: :33 < aww! *ac blushes*

AC: :33 < btw fur my shipping chart i n33d to know

AC: :33 < whats going on with you and jade?? are you still matesprits?

TG: uh

TG: i think youre better asking her about that

TG: plus like i dont really get the whole quadrant thing

TG: most humans arent really into the four people at a time thing its sort of fucked up for us

TG: like johns my best bro but we arent moreals or whatever you and equius have going on

AC: :33 < maybe i should add human romance to my charts as a fifth quadrant

TG: a quintrant

AC: :33 < yeah!!

AC: XOO < but i need to learn about it! bluhhhhh

TG: you should ask karkat hes watching all these shitty earth romcoms to learn about romance

TG: theyre not very realistic but itll give you an idea

AC: :33 < uhhh…

AC: :33 < no thanks!

TG: oh shit do you not like karkat

TG: i know he can be an angry top shelf grade a asshole at times but hes a good guy

AC: :33 < i knowww! its just

AC: :33 < *ac saunters from side to side with her tail curling nervously*

AC: XOO < karkitty is sort of cute!

TG: oh

TG: you should talk to him then

TG: i can put in a good word if you want

TG: i could wingman you

TG: *tg flaps his sick as fuck giant bird wings to show how good hed be as a wingman*

TG: can my fursona be a bird or not coz like theyre not furry but corvids are so sick

AC: :33 < *ac smiles hungrily at the feathery cool guy in front of her and licks her lips on both of her mouths*

TG: oh fuck no

TG: ollie outie

AC: :33 < noooo! h33h33

AC: :33 < byeee dave! you should go talk to rose

TG: and you should talk to karkat

-- arsenicCatnip [AC] has ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

You could never have expected Nepeta to become one of your favorite trolls but something about talking to her and roleplaying with her makes you feel… free. She reminds you of Jade in a way, with her silliness and furry tendencies. You miss Jade.

Nepeta likes Karkat. That makes your stomach churn and you’re not quite sure why. Surely the two of them flirting or dating in some quadrant or whatever would save you from the constant feeling of judgement whenever you hang out with him. You’d be happy for them, though you don’t really see them working well together – but what do you know? It’s troll romance, not human romance, and you clearly know jack dick about either. The voice in the back of your head hoping that Nepeta never works up the courage to talk to him is a straight up asshole. Anyway, you convince yourself to hop off that train of thought and on to a whole new one – Rose and Kanaya. Fucking finally.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] --

TG: you owe me money

TG: and none of this im an alien i dont have human money bullshit

TG: i know youve been stealing coins from john when hes not looking

TG: i want those cold hard cashdollars

TG: the interspecies lesbian ship has set sail at long last

TG: honking its big gay horn

TG: next stop scissor island

TG: wait no scratch that

TG: thats gross as fuck

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] --

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --

TG: sup rose

TT: Not much, Dave. What’s up with you?

TG: oh nothing really

TG: whatve you been up to

TT: I’ve not been up to much. I had a sewing lesson with Kanaya earlier and I assisted Mr. Egbert with some much needed housework.

TT: Have you been busy today?

TG: played some games with karkat and i was just chatting to nepeta

TT: Hmm.

TG: sooo

TG: what you doing now

TT: I am currently laying in bed trying my best to ignore the snoring from a sleeping Jade and Becquerel. I’m not fully certain which of the two is louder.

TG: cool cool

TT: …

TG: …

TT: Is there any reason that you chose to pester me this late at night? Other than for ironically stilted conversation, that is. Could there possibly be a question that you wanted to ask?

TG: could be

TT: Perhaps it’s along the lines of, “Rose, how do I know if I’m a homosexual?”

TT: Or, “Rose, do I wear sunglasses as a defence mechanism to keep up a masculine ideal of aloofness?”

TT: Or maybe, “Rose, why am I such an insufferable prick?”

TT: I have an answer for all of those, you know.

TT: Ask away. I’ll answer anything.

TG: ok then

TG: have you ever kissed someone

TT: Yes.

TG: was it good

TT: Yes.

TT: I will say, though, this is an odd line of questioning to get to the destination that you are most likely heading for.

TG: shut up

TG: was it someone i know

TT: Yes, Dave.

TG: does she have green blood and an uncanny knack for making sick clothes

TT: …

TT: Yes, Dave, Kanaya confessed her feelings to me and I told her that I reciprocate.

TG: hopy shit

TG: so is she like your girlfriend now or something

TT: Well, there are still some issues to work out, like understanding how our relationship would work as species with two differing forms of romance. We will have to find a middle ground between human romance and troll matespritship.

TT: But, I suppose, yes. She is my girlfriend.

TG: woah rose this is huge

TG: congrats

TG: happy scissoring

TT: What?

TG: yeah no sorry i dunno why i said that

TT: Apology accepted. I’m going to chose to ignore that, anyway.

TT: Are you finished with the interrogation?

TG: i think so

TG: did you know nepeta has a crush on karkat

TG: how weird is that

TT: Huh.

TT: I don’t think it’s weird. It makes some sense; she clearly seeks partners that, much like a cat, seem standoffish on the exterior, but have a caring nature at heart.

TT: And, like a cat, would probably be happy to express their love by bringing her gifts of bird and mouse corpses.

TG: i guess

TG: i just dont really see her and karkat working i cant really picture it

TT: Is there anyone that you can picture Karkat with? Perhaps Terezi or Gamzee?

TG: lmao fuck no

TG: him and terezi didnt work and hed never be with gamzee

TG: karkat wouldnt be able to deal with gamzees spaced out bullshit hed just get pissed off

TT: What about you?

TG: what do you mean

TG: im with jade

TG: i think

TG: or maybe not anymore

TT: We’ll come back to that.

TT: I was asking if you could picture Karkat with you.

TG: what the fuck no

TG: i mean nep said that he hatelikes me or something but i dont believe that

TG: hes just my friend

TG: and im not gay anyway

TG: like yeah were hella good bros and he might get rock hard at the sight of my face but 1 who doesnt and 2 i dont swing that way

TT: Of course, you’re not gay. How could I forget that when you make a point of mentioning it in every single conversation?

TG: only coz you keep saying it

TT: If you take another look at this chatlog, I have never once said that you are gay.

TT: So, as you brought it up earlier, I assume it’s okay for me to ask about the awkwardness between you and Jade.

TG: uh

TG: ok so yeah she told me that she loved me like last week and i didnt say it back

TT: Do you love her?

TG: yeah i mean i love hanging out with her and shes cute and it makes me happy to see her happy and i wanna make sure shes ok all the time so yeah

TG: that means i love her

TG: i just couldnt say it

TT: Do you love me or John?

TG: obviously

TT: In the same way that you love Jade?

TG: yeah but is it meant to feel different

TG: do you like kanaya differently to how you feel about us all

TT: Yes, Dave.

TG: oh

TG: hows it different

TT: I get unspeakably nervous around her. I feel this sort of static whenever our skin touches and my breath catches in my throat whenever I see her in a new outfit.

TT: Is that how you feel around Jade?

TG: i dont think so

TG: shit

TG: am i gonna break her heart

TT: I doubt it. Jade is unbelievably strong. I saw her beat most of the trolls in an arm wrestle the other day, and she even gave Equius a light sweat (though that doesn’t seem particularly difficult to do). She’ll be okay.

TT: Maybe a little pissed off.

TG: fuck

TT: I know.

TT: May I ask, though, is there anyone that you have ever felt the way that I described about?

TG: nah

TG: im probably too cool to feel nervous around someone i like so i wouldnt even notice

TG: im so chill that even my emotions are just so ninja

TT: Hmm, yes. That’s probably the case.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --

You lie awake, your thoughts spinning around like they’re taunting you. You’re going to have to break up with Jade properly, which is basically the worst thing you can imagine. Nepeta likes Karkat and Rose thinks it makes sense; who made her the fucking love doctor anyway? Rose and Kanaya are working out how troll/human relationships can work and that fascinates you, for some reason.

But every time you try to sleep, your thoughts swing back to one thing: nervousness, static touch, breath catching. It sounds like symptoms of a disease. A weird human disease called love.

Chapter Text

You wake up to more noise than you ever wanted to hear in your life. There’s yelling from a crisp human voice, crying from a troll girl, and some ungodly screaming echoing through the hive. You groan and roll over, hoping that the noise will stop when you place a snuggle pane over your head. It doesn’t. In fact, it gets louder – another voice, not yelling but droning, sounds like it’s practically in your face. It gets closer still, until you snap open your ganderbulbs and are terrified by the sight of your own eyes reflected back at you in the sheen of a pair of dark lenses. You wake up with your face inches from Dave Strider.

“Karkat, buddy, get up,” Dave says into your face. He tries to pry the pillow away from your head, but your vice grip holds it down over your auricular tunnels. “Seriously dude, get the fuck up.” He seems urgent and he’s not smirking one bit. Instead, his expression is completely neutral, save for a light line between his eyebrows that gives away his seriousness. Ugh, maybe you do need to get up.

You throw the pillow away from your head, making sure to thwack Dave with it in the process and you sit bolt upright to get your face away from his. “What is it?” you growl.

Dave sits up from the strange twisted position that he’d taken to get near your face. His seriousness instantly dissolves. “Bro, no need for the pillow fight. If you wanna do that later, wait till I’ve got my slutty lingerie on.” He winks at you, probably referencing some human tradition that you don’t understand.

“Why the fuck is everyone screaming?” You aren’t awake enough for this not-flirtatious horseshit, though you make a mental note to find out what humans deem to be slutty lingerie later. For no reason in particular.

“Oh, yeah.” The furrow returns to his brow. “It’s Sollux. He’s awake.”

What?

You don’t say anything more to Dave. You jump up, and race on to the transportalizer without so much as a second glance at him. As you appearify in Sollux’s makeshift medical room, you find the sources of the noise. Jade was the one yelling, trying to calm a screaming, thrashing Sollux. He’s crackling with blue and red energy from beneath the bandaging on his head, and Feferi is wailing (or you guess whaling?).

As she sees you, the heiress grabs your hand and speaks through sobs, “Karcrab, you’ve got to– you need to kelp him! Clam him down, please!” Great to see that the stress has only worsened her fish-punning habit.

You look around, incredulous. “How the fuck am I supposed to kelp? I mean help!”

“You’re like his moray-eel, right? Sort of? Please, Karcatfish!” Her eyes go wide as she pleads. Her tears well up like big fuchsia bubbles, then pop and stream down her cheeks.

“Uhh, no? I’m really not, but…” you trail off, watching Jade trying to pin Sollux down. Now isn’t the time to be a shitty pedant. You nod at Feferi.

You’ve never done this before. Sure you and Sollux’s friendship has always leaned a little pale, but mostly just because you get on so well. You think of all the times that he’s confided in you about the voices in his head, all the times he’s helped you through coding, all the self-sacrificial bullshit that got you to this planet. Sollux isn’t your moirail but he’s pretty fucking close, and, maybe more importantly, he’s your best fucking friend.

You walk over timidly, giving Jade a nod to let go of him and you place a frond on his face. Sollux stops screaming for a second, shocked by the sudden contact, and then he starts again, worse than before. His arms thrash about all over the place, one hitting you in the sniff nub. Your hands fly to check you’re not bleeding, out of habit, but you ignore the feeling of a trickle of blood and gently shoosh him, replacing your hand. It takes a while for it to work; you get hit a few more times. Eventually, though, he stops screaming and thrashing and the lightning stops whipping from his eye sockets.

He lays peaceful for a second and you think he’s gone back to sleep. “Sollux?” you try, as gently as your loud mouth will let you.

“KK? What the fuck? I can’t see shit.” He sounds different. His lisp is gone and his voice sounds hollow, like Aradia’s did before she died. Well, after she died, but before she became a robot and died again. You remember Sollux’s teeth on the jungle floor.

You take your frond from his cheek. “Hey asshole, how about a thank you first?” You didn't realise that you were crying until your voice comes out shaky. How embarrassing.

He smiles weakly. “Are you crying? Weak.” Feferi grabs his hand on the other side. “KK, that better not be you holding my fucking frond. I can just about deal with the pale-flirting but that’s way too much.” Part of you is relieved that he doesn’t think you’re moirails now. You are suddenly so very aware of Dave behind you.

“Hey, Sole-ux,” Feferi whispers.

“FF?” His head lolls to the other side, so that he’d be looking at Feferi if he could see. “Okay, how many more people are in here? This is so fucking embarrassing, holy shit.” Typical of Sollux to wake from a two week coma and immediately feel self-conscious.

You look around. Dave and Jade are in here – the first time they’ve stood beside one another for a while now. Jade is gripping on to Dave’s arm and he is standing completely stiff, staring at a wall. “Just two of the humans.”

“Humans? Holy shit, we made it?” Sollux smiles, more to himself than to anyone else. Then he gasps, leaning up. “Where are the humans’ game discs? Fuck. We gotta destroy them, man.” He starts to look panicked and you worry that he’s about to freak out again.

You shoosh him quickly. “I’ll go find Rose and get them. Feferi, can you catch him up?” She salutes you, making you cringe; you should not be ordering people around. You are not a leader. Regardless, she begins telling him how amazing he was getting you here, a sentiment that you’d never say out loud, but that you corroborate one hundred percent. As you leave, you motion for Dave and Jade to do so too, and they do. Ugh, why do people listen to you?

You find Rose in her and Jade’s room, looking at some kind of knitting stitch tutorial or something on her husktop as she works away at the same bright green yarn she was using the other day. This project looks more like one of those plushes that Jade littered around the hive than any of Rose’s previous scarves or blankets. She smiles as she hears the transportalizer, not looking up from her work.

“You’ll never believe what Dave said last night,” she hums, looping yarn around her needle.

You scowl, ready for her to realise you’re not Kanaya. “What?” you grumble.

Rose looks up at you in shock and then speedily resets her face to her same smug smile. “Ah, Karkat. I thought you were Kanaya. Though, admittedly, I should’ve known it was you from the stomping. To what do I owe the pleasure?” She places her current project back into a knitted bag full of knitting materials. You wonder if her whole hive was made of wool.

“Glad to know you can’t tell me from your fucking girl crush, Lalonde. Don’t start trying to kiss me. I will projectile vomit all over your latest knitting project.” You like Rose, you do. But something about her smugness always makes you want to be especially antagonistic towards her. Honestly, though, you’re generally antagonistic with most people.

She smirks more, her eyes narrowing with it. “I could say the same to you about your boy crush; we do look pretty alike, after all. You seemed pretty interested in what I was originally going to tell Kanaya.”

You don’t want to do this right now and you can very much see that this is going nowhere. “Okay, first, I don’t know what you’re talking about. Second, I could not give less of a single human excrement what pointless drivel Dave Strider was saying to you last night, and I find your gossiping about it to be unsavoury at best and a total jerk move at worst. And third, I actually have something important to ask you, if you’d let me get a word in edgeways!” You continue under your breath, but loud enough for her to hear, “I swear, you four humans talk more than the entire deceased troll race all put together in one unholy amalgam of billions of screaming hostile assholes.”

“I must say, your repeated rants, whether ironic or not, that I talk too much, are amusing. Have you told Dave about this? I’m sure he’d find it entertaining to join in on.” She FINALLY stops talking to let you speak. “What is so important that you’ve chosen to deal with my motormouth this morning?”

You resume your panicked state. “Sollux is awake. He said that the discs need to be destroyed.”

“Ah.” Rose gets up and smooths down her decidedly not creased skirt, in an act of practised performance. “So, how is he?” She begins rifling through her neat little pile of lilac luggage.

“Not exactly great. He woke up screaming like a milkbeast and punched me in the fucking sniff nub!” You become suddenly aware of the crusting blood beneath your nose. Holy fuck. Feferi saw that, Jade saw that, Rose can see it. And fucking Dave saw it too.

Rose rummages around in a small case for some sort of musical instrument. “Well, that explains all the noise. I’m glad that he’s awake, though. Frankly, I was getting bored of the same old faces on this island; it’ll be nice to have a new one to walk into in the hallway.” She pauses. Her face flexes downwards, quizzical.

“Hah! I doubt it. Sollux isn’t really one for pleasant small talk. He’s not one for pleasant talk in general. More like moody commiserating."

You watch as Rose responds with a thoughtful little noise and pulls out her palmhusk. Her composure is measured as ever, but her flying fingers over the screen give away that something is wrong. She speaks without even looking up at you, “sorry, I just have a message to send. You were saying?” She chews on the inside of her cheek.

You check your messages quickly. Nothing. “It wasn’t important.” You tilt your head to watch her expression. “Rose. What’s happened? What’s wrong?”

She slips her palmhusk into her back pocket, looking up at you sadly. “The discs are gone. I don’t know where they are.”

Chapter Text

Jade may not be talking to you but that doesn’t stop her from holding your arm so tight that her nails could actually be drawing blood. Yours isn’t the blood you’re interested in right now, though. Karkat’s nose is trickling bright red blood and you watch, noticing the human-esque color of it. What was it that Terezi told you? It was almost a month ago now but it comes blazing across your mind like a comet: “back on Alternia, you’d have been hunted and killed”. You watch as Feferi looks up at him, noticing the blood with a gasp that she camouflages behind sobs, and quickly looks away, avoiding staring like she’s seen a drunk guy passed out on the street.

You’re not really sure what Karkat is doing, slapping Sollux gently and shushing him, but it seems to be working, whatever it is. It must be a troll thing; Nepeta did it to Equius at her tea party when he smashed his mug of, as he called it, “weak, inferior milk”. Maybe next time Karkat has a shitfit, you’ll try it. It might chill him out or it might piss him off further – either way, win-win. You can’t stop staring though, only pulling your eyes away when Karkat turns around to tell Sollux who’s here. Your eyes focus on a smudge on the pristine walls, and you once again notice the pain of Jade’s fingernails buried deep into your arm. You would shake her off but this is the closest you’ve been to her in a while and you don’t want to upset her again. Especially when you’ve got another bullet of upset already locked and loaded into the chamber, like you’re Jade’s own personal game of depression Russian roulette.

When Karkat leaves, he nods his head to suggest you leave too. You make a quick glance at Feferi and Sollux: her head is leaned against his and she’s weeping gently, telling him about the brutal journey that almost killed him. Yeah, Karkat’s right, you should leave. Don’t wanna be a third wheel here. You follow him to the transportalizer, practically dragging a stunned Jade with you. You and Jade head down one floor to the atrium; it’s the only room that no one is ever in, other than Jade herself, and you figure that now might be a good time to talk.

Once you’re there, Jade sinks down to the floor against an elevated planter. She pulls her knees up to her chest and pats the floor next to her. “That was… intense,” she sighs, finally letting go of the breath that she’d been holding.

“Yeah. Like a fucking boy scout camp. In tents.” Admittedly not one of your best but who could blame you? It’s awkward. You ramble on like a runaway steam train. “Well, that and there was some guy throwing a tantrum. And I’m pretty sure Karkat earned a badge. I dunno, I never was a boy scout.”

Jade snorts at your bad joke politely, anyway. “He’s a pretty good leader, huh? I mean, the way he calmed Sollux down like that and got us all out of there at the right time.”

A pit of anxiety wells in your stomach when you realise that you and Jade are going to talk about Karkat. You ignore it and swallow it away. “He even got a salute from the fish princess. I mean, just how leaderly do you even have to BE to get something like that?”

“And there he goes. The big man hass the authority,” Jade smiles. Nothing like SBaHJ to diffuse an awkward situation.

You let out a chuckle and Jade laughs too. You watch her laugh, you missed this. You missed chatting with Jade, bantering, referencing SBaHJ. You slump down beside her, leaving a gap between the two of you. “Jade, I think we need to talk some things out.”

The smile drops from her face and she just looks… sad. “Yeah.”

“Okay, first lemme just say sorry.” You avoid eye contact again. These sorts of talks are a lot easier when you don’t have to look at someone.

“Wait, what? For what?” She sounds genuinely confused.

You think of a way to sum it up in your head. “For a lot of things, but mostly, to give you the gist, for being a shitty boyfriend.”

Jade grabs your hand so quickly that you panic for a moment, reminded of Bro and Cal. “Dave, no. You don’t have to be sorry for that! I practically pressured you into being my boyfriend! I asked you out in front of Rose and John, and I told you I loved you like less than a week in!” She’s almost yelling and you can hear a quiver in her voice. “I’m the one who should be sorry!”

You brain is sputtering, like a machine on its last legs, and you are pretty fucking sure that the warranty is up. It slowly spits out a half-formed idea of something to say. “But I thought you were mad at me.” Jegus, pathetic.

“Mad at you?” She practically laughs at you, her nose scrunching up a little. “Why? Because you didn’t say I love you back to me? Dave, I was embarrassed!”

“Oh,” is all you can muster. You, Dave Strider, are, for the first time in your life, completely speechless. You think about all the times that Bro caught you with a horde of chips and juice in your room, and his reaction when you apologised. You remember being six years old and told to never apologise because it made you look like a pussy. You feel the sword being thrust into your hands, too heavy for you yet, and being taught the right way to say sorry to Bro – by letting him take his anger out on you like a punching bag. You remember being thrown down more than a few flights of stairs to make reparations for your weakness.

And here’s Jade, accepting your apology, giving you one of her own, explaining her thought process to you in a way that absorbs your guilt. She gives you a sympathetic smile. “I want to ask you properly this time, and you can answer however you want, I promise. Dave, do you want to be my boyfriend?”

You sigh. “No, I don’t think so. I’m sorry, Jade. I don’t really get my feelings but I just don’t think I’m really a relationship-ready guy.”

She smiles. Her eyes look sad and shiny, with tears fogging up the bottom of her glasses, but below that, she looks content with your answer. “I get it. If you ever want to give it another shot, I’ll be here.”

“And we’re still cool?” You look her in the eyes for the first time in a good week or so.

She punches your shoulder lightly. “Yes, silly! Things might be a bit weird for a while because I really do like you, but we’ll always be friends! You’re too important to me for this to stop us.”

You hug her, and it definitely feels like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders. You want to talk to Jade for real now, to your friend Jade. “So did you hear about Rose and Kanaya?” you say into her hair.

She pulls back, her cheeks are wet with tears. “Dave, I don’t really want to chit-chat right now.”

“Oh shit, yeah, sorry.” You feel awkward again.

She gets up, smiling at you while her eyes brim with tears, and she transportalizes away, leaving you on the ground. You look down to see a mushed up dead flower on the floor.

Chapter Text

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

TG: weird day huh

CG: IT IS THREE IN THE FUCKING MORNING.

CG: WHY THE HELL ARE YOU AWAKE?

CG: AND WHY DO YOU FEEL THE NEED TO MESSAGE ME?

CG: WHAT IF I WAS ASLEEP? WOULD YOU FEEL SHITTY THEN? WOULD YOU FEEL LIKE YOU TOOK A BIG FAT STEAMING SHIT IN YOUR “BED” AND ROLLED AROUND IN IT?

TG: not really

TG: id probably just ramble away in your dms like a madman

TG: why are you awake

CG: OH, HMM. I DON’T KNOW. LET ME THINK ABOUT THAT…

CG: MAYBE BECAUSE MY BEST FRIEND WAS, UNTIL *TODAY*, COMATOSE AND NOW I’M RECKONING WITH THE FACT THAT HE’S RIGHT HERE NEXT TO ME, KEEPING ME AWAKE WITH HIS INSANE SLEEP-TALKING.

TG: is he saying anything funny

TG: sometimes john says lines from dumb as fuck movies

TG: and dont tell him but sometimes he mumbles about loving his dad

CG: YIPPEE FOR EGBERT!

CG: MY ROOMMATE IS SHOUTING THE NAME OF HIS EX-GIRLFRIEND WHO COMMITTED ONE MILLION STUPID SUICIDES AND KEEPS SCREAMING SHIT ABOUT THE GOGDAMN GREEN SUN.

CG: OR, the green sun, SORRY.

TG: whats that

CG: DO YOU ACTUALLY CARE?

TG: nah

TG: more importantly sollux used to date the dead robo girl before feferi

TG: or was it at the same time in a different quadrant

TG: i cant keep up with your troll romance shit

TG: do you wanna get out of there

CG: ARE YOU SERIOUSLY SUGGESTING THAT WE HAVE A SLEEP OVER?

CG: SORRY, DAVE, BUT YOUR FLIRTATIONS NEED SOME WORK.

TG: fu

TG: im serious man i gotta talk to someone

TG: today has been a lot and i just wanna shoot the shit

CG: SD;LKFJSD;LKFJSDLFKJ;

TG: cool so meet you in the foyer in 5 mins

TG: we could maybe watch a movie

CG: FUCK, OKAY. FINE.

TG: sick

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

Despite your protestations, you want nothing more than to relax and watch a film with Dave. So far on Earth, you’ve spent a while sharing a respite block with just Tavros who, for all of his many flaws, is a decent roommate. Originally Gamzee wanted to share a block with you but Equius and Eridan both had issues about rooming with someone so much further down the hemospectrum, and you “graciously” gave up staying with the highblood – not at all an issue for you. Sollux, though, is not the greatest roommate due to the night terrors and screaming. Pair that with the fact that Feferi wouldn’t leave his side until about an hour ago and you get a very angry, very tired Karkat.

You doubt you would’ve been able to sleep regardless, though. Ever since your conversation with Rose earlier, the two of you spent the day subtly ripping Jade’s hive apart in search for the discs, with no luck. You have pretty much cycled through every stage of grief, according to Lalonde’s armchair psychology; denial that the discs could be gone, anger at Rose for losing them, bargaining with the universe that they might somehow appear. You are now, though, sitting firmly in the depression stage, so maybe a night of awkward blundering through half charming, half bullshit conversations is exactly what would lead you to acceptance. Probably not. You’ll probably end up feeling worse about yourself.

Strider isn’t on the lounge planks in the foyer when you get there, so you yell his name. His head pokes out from around the corner where John’s father makes the food and you find Dave slicing up an apple like it’s target practice instead of food preparation. He’s not in his usual ironic tee, instead opting for what could only be the ugliest knitted jumper of all time. It’s perfectly made – no doubt of Rose’s involvement there – but the front displays an impossible set of escalation zigzags and a puffy, unbalanced human tumbling across them. You eye it for a while before raising a questioning eyebrow at Dave.

“Do you like it? Rose and Kanaya have been making me a bunch of clothes and this is by far my favorite.” He is smiling, like actually smiling. The expression looks comfortable on his face, forming little dips in his cheeks. You wonder why he doesn’t pull this face more often.

Of course, your go-to reaction is to furrow your brow. “I think it’s insanely stupid. What the hell are those escalation zigzags? And why is that human shaped like that?”

He laughs with his full body. Who replaced Dave Strider with this expressive, happy guy? “It’s Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff, dude. C’mon, I must’ve shown you SBaHJ before. It’s my life’s work, my greatest achievement, my magnum opus. Here, pass your husktop.”

You oblige with a huff. Dave opens up your husktop and stares at the keys for a full ten seconds before looking back at you. “Are you okay there, Strider?” you ask snidely.

“I forgot about the alphabet.” He stares at you. You feel yourself sweating like you’re Equius staring at a muscular hoofbeast or something.

“No, you’ve got it! Remember, A… B… C…” you quip, beaming when he laughs a little. You spin your husktop back around to face you and start typing in what he tells you. He whips around the table to grab a slice of apple and when he starts crunching on it, he’s right by your ear. You can feel his hot breath tickling your ear.

You stare at the horrendous artwork splattered across the screen in front of you. Frankly, it’s diabolical, though Rose’s jumper is an impressive recreation. Dave snorts a laugh from behind you, “shit, this is gold.”

You turn to him with a well-practiced scowl. “Didn’t you make this? Is this why you always say shit about “making this hapen” and all this bullshit?”

“Fuck yes. Like I said, magnum opus.” He looks so proud of himself. Your imbecilic brain can’t decide whether it’s attractive or stupid. You kind of want to kiss him and you kind of want to punch him.

“I cannot believe you asked me to come down here so you could show me this steaming pile of vomit. Fucking Sollux could make better art and he’s blind and probably brain damaged!” You snap.

Dave’s face turns more thoughtful. “That wasn’t why I wanted to hang. I wanted to actually chat about Sollux. And other stuff.” He pauses as if being serious like this is hard for him. It might be. “How are you feeling about… it all?” He jumps up to sit on the table, picking at a thread on his sleeve.

You sigh and pull yourself up on to the table beside him. “I’m sort of freaking the fuck out. He doesn’t seem alright and he’s fucking blind now. He wasn’t always the most mentally sound guy to begin with and I guess I’m worried about him.” You’d started speaking calmly but your voice is raising to almost a shout now. “Which is fucking abnormal for a troll. We aren’t meant to worry or care for our friends unless it’s someone in our quadrants. I’m the shittiest troll left alive, out of the eleven shitty trolls that are still alive. I’d be culled for caring this much.”

He eats another slice of apple before responding timidly. “I saw your blood today.” He then snaps upright like he said something wrong. “I mean, not on purpose or anything. Like, when Sollux hit you and your nose bled. I’m sorry, but it was just right there, you can’t be mad. Well – knowing you, you probably will be, but… I’m sorry.” His babbling slows to a halt. “Terezi told me what red blood like that meant on Alternia. Shit must’ve been awful.”

You can’t respond. You knew he must’ve seen your blood today, but this wasn’t the reaction you’d expected. This wasn’t what you expected at all from the first conversation you’ve ever had about your blood color. All you can manage is a shrug. “At least I’m not on Alternia anymore. I never really fit in there.”

Dave smiles again and you wish he’d keep smiling like this forever. “I get that. I never had a proper friend till John, Jade, and Rose.”

That shocks you. “Seriously? But you’re–”

“Cool? Awesome? Hot as balls and a killer deejay to boot? I know. I think the few kids I knew in my building were just jealous.” He flips imaginary hair over his shoulder.

“I was going to say kind. Which I take back, given the rude interruption,” you banter, rolling your eyes.

His eyebrows shoot up from behind the shades. “Kind? Nah.”

You look away from his face, focusing your eyes on his bitten nails in preparation to compliment the guy. “You are. You’ve made friends with pretty much every alien that just crash-landed on your planet and you’ve fucking nursed one guy back to health. You messaged me out of fucking nowhere just to defend Jade because I was being an asshole to her. You let Egbert show you shitty movies just to make him happy. Face it, you’re a nice guy, Dave Strider.”

“Yeah, not so great,” he replies, darkly. “I dumped Jade today.”

In shock, your eyes dart back to him, like you’re watching a game of stickball between his face and the floor. He’s staring at his own knees with such intensity. “Oh fuck. Why?” You push down the spark of joy that you feel. You’ve got to be a good friend. You can’t be selfish about this.

“I don’t love her,” Dave shrugs. “I mean, I do, but not how she wants me to, not how I should. I don’t think I’m feeling anything that I should. I think living with Bro has screwed me up in so many ways that there’s something wrong with me on a fundamental level. Like I was his goldfish and he tapped the tank too many times and made me grow up wrong.” You can tell that he’s fighting back tears. Quite literally fighting, too; his face is set with anger and fear in equal parts, like it was whenever you saw the puppet appear in his block.

You snort bitterly. “I know that feeling. I might be the only other guy here who knows how it feels to live somewhere where you’re constantly being hunted for fucking sport like a trunkbeast. And how bad that can screw you up in relationships. I don’t think I’m normal either.”

He meets your gaze, finally. For the first time since the conversation turned serious, you’re bulb to eye. Or bulb to shades. “I thought you were the quadrant expert guy,” he smirks. It isn’t condescending or ironic, though; it’s sincere and gentle.

“Hah! I just like romance films and books. I’m no more of a romance expert than Nepeta with her shipping charts. In fact, I’m worse, because at least she has a fucking healthy moirallegience.” You cannot believe you’re about to air out your romance issues with Dave fucking Strider. “Whenever I’ve had a crush, it’s never been in just ONE quadrant. A little vacillation is normal, healthy even, but between all four quadrants is just selfish and messy. I always blamed it on being a mutant, like having normal blood would mean normal feelings, but now I think it’s just me.” You hate yourself more than you’ve ever hated anything right now.

Dave elbows you in the side. “Sounds like human romance.” He places a hand to his chin in mock-thought. “Huh, human feelings, human blood… maybe, Karkat, you’re just a weird looking human.”

You shove him lightly. “Don’t fucking insult me like that when I’m pouring my heart out to you, asshole!”

He laughs again and pushes you back. Then he hops off the table. “C’mon, let’s watch an actually decent film for once. No romance crap either, I’ve had enough of those films.” He offers a hand out to you. You stare at it, unsure whether you want to take it. Your blood pusher feels like it’s coming up your protein chute and threatening to project from your mouth. You tell yourself to not be an idiot. You tell yourself: Karkat, take Dave’s hand.

You grasp his hand and leap down off the table too. To your surprise, he doesn’t let go once you’re down. You walk hand in hand to the sofa and the silence hangs between you like a gap. You need to say something to diffuse the tension. “Please don’t make me watch some terrible Earth film.” You detest the way your voice shakes a little with nerves.

“Oh buddy, get ready for the greatest Earth film you’ve ever seen.” Dave sounds casual as ever, in spite of your sweaty palm in his.

He directs you to a glorious website with every Earth movie you could ever want and warns you about clicking on the “hot milfs in your area”. You wouldn’t really care to, either, given that a hot guy in your area is leaning over your shoulder, sitting so close that your sides are practically conjoined. You make no effort to hide your blush, given that he already knows the color of your blood and that you can easily blame it on these “milfs” – whatever that means. He has you type in a film name, Wayne’s World and you are affronted with the most horribly created image of two humans floating in the sky. It looks horrendous.

Despite Dave’s protestations about watching a romance movie, this certainly has some romance. The titular Wayne’s plays for Cassandra are as pathetic as they are adorable. You laugh along with Dave at the jokes that go over your head (seriously, what does “cream of sum yung guy” mean, and why did it reduce Dave to tears of laughter?). Eventually, when Wayne and Cassandra break up, you feel your eyes get heavy and your head droops to Dave’s shoulder. Instead of shoving you off, or going as rigid as last time, he readjusts, slinging an arm over your shoulders, so you can rest your head on his chest.

You fall asleep feeling the jerk of Dave’s chest whenever he laughs, and you feel a hand lazily playing with a strand of your hair.

Chapter Text

You jump awake when you hear someone clear their throat. Mr. Egbert is in front of you with a coffee, newspaper and a pipe, wearing blue silky pyjamas. He nods at you and gives you an inscrutable look, somewhere between proud and concerned, and leaves to light his pipe in the kitchen. You yawn and adjust the wonky sunglasses on your face.

Karkat is sleeping still, curled up beside you and on top of your arm. The muscles in his face are more relaxed than you’ve ever seen them; he looks peaceful. The scorn that usually decorates his face now seems out of place, this seems far more natural on him. His jet black eyebrows are pinched up slightly in the middle and his sharper front teeth poke out over the smile that’s playing on his lips. A serious case of bedhead has ruffled his curls and you feel warm as you watch him snooze.

Then you remember where you are. Hopy shit. You fell asleep, practically cuddling with a guy, in the main room of the house. That won’t help the gay allegations that Rose keeps throwing at you. Any second now, the early risers are going to come down here and see you and– shit. You’ve gotta get out of here.

You gently pull your arm out from behind Karkat, being sure to not wake him. You don’t have to fancy a guy to respect that he needs his beauty sleep, after all. And it really is beauty sleep. Why did you think that? What the fuck? You transportalize away, not before noticing, though, that the dodgy pirating site you were using last night is still open on Karkat’s husktop, and it has decorated his screen with so many pop-up porn ads. You snap a picture for later purposes.

Thank fuck for the Egbert family. Thank you, John for being such a heavy sleeper, for not even noticing you leave and return during the night, like the world’s most obvious slut going to the world’s most obvious booty call. Which wasn’t what that was, you remind yourself. And thank you Mr. Egbert for being such a real one, for waking you up and not shouting all around the house that Dave Strider is all snuggled the fuck down with a boy. You ought to buy them both a beautiful gift, like a stupid clown costume and a can of shaving cream, respectively.

Once you’re settled back in your room, the real panic sets in. You WERE cuddling with Karkat. Sure, no one saw but why the fuck were you doing that in the first place? You laid up last night, teeth chattering with anxiety – for gods sake, all you wanted to do was talk. Why were you finding any excuse to get close to the guy: leaning on his shoulder and holding his hand and stroking his hair while he slept? And why did it make your breathing shallow and why did it make you feel light-headed? You break up with Jade and less than 24 hours later you’re chomping at the bit to get your snuggle on with someone else?

But it’s not the same. Karkat’s just your buddy, and, let’s face it, you both have led very touch-starved lives. You’ve seen Jade and Rose bundle under a blanket together to watch a film, so where’s the difference? Karkat’s (possible) feelings for you? Maybe you just like the attention and you’re leading him on, like the manic pixie dream dude you are. Or maybe you’re the difference; it’s you.

Time to freak the fuck out.

You transportalize to the ground level, not acknowledging the growing group of caffeinated teens giggling at Karkat’s pornbot covered husktop screen. You take a sword from one of Jade’s grandpa’s suits of armour that you pass; it’s familiar in your hands, and comfortable. You turn it over, testing the weight, as you head for the door. It’s a heavier blade than you’re used to and the grip is thicker than your usual shitty anime sword. It’ll do. All you need is that feeling of cold metal back in your hands to numb the feelings that are clouding your head.

It’s raining outside, cooling down the air temperature and giving a therapeutic sense of pathetic fallacy that Rose would definitely enjoy. You don’t take in your surroundings, flashstepping to the nearest tree and slamming your sword into it forcefully. It barely makes a dent, bouncing back, because you aren’t used to this kind of sword. You try again. The tree has a mark. Again. A piece of bark chips off. Again. Again. Again. Until there’s a gash in the tree that’d be bone deep on a human. You hate that you know that. Again.

You whale on the tree for maybe 10 straight minutes. For a while, it’s Bro and then it morphs, changes its shape into something shorter, more malnourished, with scarlet eyes and a practiced near-neutral smirk. The you that you’re slashing and hacking at is younger, wearing pointed, triangular shades, and he has all ten fingers. He wears one of Bro’s hand-me-down shirts and, despite his smug expression, he’s miserable. He has no identity of his own and he parrots everything Bro says like it's the motherfucking gospel of douche. You can’t hurt him, no matter how hard you try, he just stands there unfeeling and unspeaking. You drop your sword and sit in the wet grass.

“Dave?” a shrill voice calls out after a while. Terezi is standing, a few feet behind you, wearing a bright red dragon-headed cape, with her sword drawn. She approaches cautiously, like you would a skittish horse that might lash out and kick the shit out of you at any moment. “ What’s going on, cool kid?Are you okay?” She’s smiling gently.

“‘Sup ‘Rez?” Your voice is hoarse. You hadn’t realised that you were screaming that whole time.

She sheaths her sword in its cane and keeps walking until she almost passes by you. “I was going to go back to the frog temple to explore. You wanna come?”

You clamber to your feet a little too fast. Exploring old ruins sounds so fucking good right now. “Sure, sounds fun.” You grab the sword from the floor, noticing a hairline crack in the shaft. How do you break every sword you pick up?

Terezi flashes you a grin and just continues onwards, clearly expecting you to catch up with her. You flashstep to her side and walk in step. You make your way in comfortable silence.

The frog temple, as Terezi called it, looms above you. The lake surrounding it looks deep and you have no idea what the plan is here. It’s a little too far to flashstep or jump and the doorway is a way up from the water’s surface, so even if you swam, you couldn’t get up there. Terezi mutters under her breath, pulling out a rope and a sickle, which you are 90% sure isn’t hers. She pauses for a moment, rifling through her stuff, and then turns to you and hands you a dozen assorted coins, some troll coins, some good ol’ quarters, nickels and dimes. You give her a quizzical look.

“I owed you. From the bet, remember?”

You snort at the collection in your hand: 75 cents and a couple of coins from a dead universe. You’re rich. Terezi, though, goes back to her task, tying the probably stolen sickle to the end of the rope with a suspiciously noose-like knot. This girl is a freak. She tugs on it for good measure and slings what can only be a homemade grappling hook over her back. She stands at the water edge, poking her cane in to test the depth, almost losing it in the process. Swim it is, then. It’s not like your clothes are dry. This place is really putting the rain in rainforest today.

You’re not a bad swimmer. Not great, but not bad either. Terezi is on a similar skill level, kicking like she’s only ever had to swim for survival, rather than for fun, but she does a successful job, given the dragon cape weighing her down. There’s a small lip at the bottom of the structure, just big enough for you both to stand on, sopping wet and silent. Either Terezi has noticed your mood and is letting you have some silence, or she’s feeling just as shitty as you. She launches the sickle, with freakish precision for a blind girl, and it lands exactly where it needs to, in the doorway.

“Okay, you first, Dave.” She motions for you to climb the rope.

You pull a face. “Seriously?”

She yanks at it as a security measure and it stays stuck to the entry. “Yes, seriously. If it’s going to hold anything, it’ll be your skinny noodle body.” She prods you in the ribs. “Then you can hold it for me.”

You guess she has a good point. Years of near-starvation have given you a lanky body that Rose has called “twinky”, whatever that means. Whereas most of the trolls are shorter and more stout, bar Sollux’s gamer frame and Gamzee’s heroin-chic body. You shrug like this’ll be nothing at all and grip the rope tight, lifting your feet to the wall of the temple. You make your way up okay, struggling mostly with holding yourself up. Your balancing skills are perfect, though. Footwork was always your forte in strifes with Bro. You hop into the entry and breathe a “holy shit”, before holding the rope for Terezi. She’s up in no time, rivalling your deft acrobatics.

When you turn around, Terezi shares your “holy shit” moment. The walls are covered in carvings of hieroglyphs that could rival the shit in ancient history museums. There’s piles of dusty weaponry, including explosives, guns, and a goddamn fucking rocket launcher. And swords. So many swords. You abandon your shitty knight's sword and start trying others on for size. There’s a sick as fuck scimitar that doesn’t feel too far off your old chokuto’s weight and size. It’s beautiful too, with a black wrap around the hilt and a dark, curved blade. Hell yes. Hell fucking yes. Terezi doesn’t mess around either, loading up with as much of the explosives and swords as she can until she’s armed to the teeth. You’re happy with the one sword.

“Hey.” You catch her arm before you go any further. “Thanks for this.”

She beams maniacally at you. “It seemed like you needed it. You smelt like vomit and sweat.” Gross. You hope she’s joking.

Deeper in, there’s a giant flower with a timer on it, displaying four weeks, one day, three hours, six minutes, and twelve seconds. 11 seconds. 10 seconds. Possibly a bomb, but definitely not your problem, you decide, at least for now.

Deeper still, there’s two transportalizers – one gold and one purple. Terezi gasps from behind you at the sight of them. You turn to see her face dejected.

“Prospit…” she whispers, providing you with no further answers.

You take a step towards the platforms. “Where do you think they go?”

Terezi puts a hand out to stop you. “The moons of two planets called Prospit and Derse. They’re, uh, part of the game, sort of.” Her explanation does not help at all.

“What are they doing here?” It’s weird seeing this tech in a rundown temple thing. Like those old buildings that have become fast food joints, like a fry cooker beeping under stained glass windows.

“I don’t know. They shouldn’t be here. You’re not playing the game.” There’s a fierceness in her last sentence, as if she’s letting the universe know that she won’t let that happen. “The Incipisphere shouldn’t exist here. Jade stopped seeing Prospit in her dreams…” It’s clear to you that this isn’t directed at you. She’s making mental notes.

You take another step forward, drawn to the purple transportalizer. “Well, why don’t we go check what’s there? Maybe you can–”

There’s a flash of green and a flash of white and you’re both stood outside the front door of Jade’s house with Bec, to the surprise of a very confused Mr. Egbert. He barks at you once – the dog, not the man – and dematerializes again. You turn to Terezi and teal tears are streaming from behind her glasses. You want to go to bed.

Chapter Text

You wake up to Sollux loudly snorting at something Feferi is mumbling. At first you are sure you’re in your assigned respiteblock, listening to Sollux snore, but then you hear a human female giggle. Your eyes blink open to a foggy sea of trolls and humans and flashing cameras. You blink again to clear the tiredness from your ganderbulbs.

“What the fuck?!” you yell, making a few people jump and the rest laugh harder.

Rose Lalonde gets right in your fucking face. “Good morning, Karkat. It seems you had a good night last night.” She grins with malice.

You think back to last night, to what she could possibly be referencing. Oh fuck. Dave. Everyone is going to get the wrong idea and assume the two of you were hooking up on the loungeplank in the middle of the night. He’s never going to speak to you again. But you can’t feel the weight of him beside you, and there’s only one crop of bright hair in your vision, and you can’t hear his ever-mumbling voice. You scan around for him and catch a glimpse of your husktop on the table in front of you, between Gamzee’s horns. Every single “milf” ad has taken over your screen, giving you the appearance of an exhibitionist pervert who came down here in the night to get off to presumably the worst that Earth pornography has to offer. Shit. You can’t quite tell if this is worse than everyone thinking you hooked up with a cute guy in a public place…

Actually, this is way worse.

You scramble to sit up and reach over an entranced juggalo to slam your husktop shut, blushing furiously. Great, that’ll only make you look more guilty. “Okay, no. This isn’t what you think. I was watching a MOVIE, you fucking perverts. It isn’t my fault that your sex-obsessed planet is so horny and disgusting that every single webpage is full to the fucking horns with bouncing rumble spheres.” Everybody is giggling, except Gamzee who is turned to you with a down-trodden expression, given that you closed the husktop and took away his glorious nude human women.

“Surely it is somewhat your fault since, as far as I’m aware, you had a major contribution to the creation of this planet. It could even be suggested that, as the leader, it is entirely your fault that our society is so horny and disgusting…” Rose’s eyebrows fly up and down.

You shudder as dramatically as possible. “Ugh, Lalonde, gross. Save those suggestive eyebrows for Kanaya.”

Kanaya chimes in to your humiliation, likely at the unneeded defense of her flushcrush. “We have all seen the novels that you read, Karkat. This pornographic website is very much within character for you.”

“Yeah, didn’t Dave mention he caught you reading porn next to Sollux while he was in a coma?” John fucking Egbert has jumped in to bully you.

“Oh my god, what?” Sollux grins, incredulous. “Jeez, KK. That’s so far beyond fucked up, even for you, fondling your shame globes next to my half-dead corpse.”

You stand up and grab your husktop, slamming it back closed on to Gamzee’s prying fingers. “Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. Fuck all of you.” You prepare to deliver a tantrum like it’s a royal fucking declaration. “Lalonde, fuck off. You and Kanaya have been making eyes at each other in the worlds longest fucking edging session. I think the only reason that you two are getting my chutehuffing Earth goat about this is that both of you are so filled with pent-up desperation for each other’s genetic material like an imperial drone!” You turn to Sollux. “And you’re one to talk, you asshole two-fold. You and the fucking princess haven’t had your hands off each other since you woke up. Seriously, who comes out of a coma, just to start kissing? And was that fucking John Egbert I heard trying to shame me? I think your sexlessness speaks for itself: no one wants a guy who brings magic tricks and shitty movies to try to befriend aliens.” You realise that your rant did nothing to defend the actual situation. “And I wasn’t watching old human women pornography! That isn’t even remotely what I WOULD be looking for if I was watching Earth porn.” Yes. That’ll show them.

The reactions are mixed. Most people start laughing again, and there go Rose’s eyebrows. Sollux is saying some shit about you being jealous and not getting any, mostly just to Feferi’s amusement. John is flipping you off and laughing, but clearly a little offended that you called his film taste shitty.

You are about to step foot on the transportalizer to find Dave and rip into him for leaving you alone to be humiliated, when a squeaky voice picks up from the corner, “I’m sorry, but, uh, so why were you watching your movie in here, when you’ve been watching them in our room, almost every night, since we got here?” You hadn’t even noticed that Tavros was here, and evidently neither had anyone else. They all whip round and quieten down.

“Uh.” You flush, remembering your eagerness when Dave messaged you last night. “Because SOMEONE was screaming in his sleep all night and I couldn’t hear shit.” You point to Sollux, which is ineffective due to his blindness.

Everyone seems to accept that as a valid answer. Apart from Rose, who you see work some things out in her head. She no doubt spotted the film title and has worked out who would want to watch that; she has obviously taken note of Dave’s absence here. She probably has a slightly over-exaggerated idea of what happened last night, but you aren’t going to correct her. You scowl at her, hoping that she understands what not to say. All you get in response is a Machiavellian smirk as you transportalize away.

You spend a while on your own closing every pop-up on your screen, avoiding getting too curious about the strange human parts, that could only be genitalia, on your screen. When you’re done, you open trollian, expecting to see a message from Dave about how last night’s snuggle session was a mistake. But there’s nothing.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

CG: HEY ASSHOLE.

CG: THANKS A LOT FOR LEAVING ME WITH A FULL SCREEN OF PORNOGRAPHIC ADVERTS SITTING IN FRONT OF ME.

CG: IT WAS FUCKING WONDERFUL TO WAKE UP TO ALL OF OUR “FRIENDS” LAUGHING AT ME FOR BEING A DEPRAVED DEGENERATE WHO LOOKS AT ALIEN GENITALS IN THE RUMPUSBLOCK.

CG: SHITTIEST ONE NIGHT STAND EVER.

Why would you say that? Fuck.

CG: PRETTY SURE LALONDE THINKS I WAS HOOKING UP WITH SOMEONE.

CG: YOU’D BETTER NOT LET HER CATCH WIND THAT YOU WERE THERE, OTHERWISE SHE’LL START SPREADING SOME BULLSHIT RUMORS.

CG: HELLO?

He isn’t replying. His pesterchum is set to idle.

CG: LAST NIGHT WAS FUN, THOUGH. EVEN IF YOU DID LEAVE BEFORE I COULD WAKE UP LIKE SOME ASSHOLE PLAYBOY.

What? What are you even saying? Why won’t the words stop?

CG: LOOK, I GET IF YOU DON’T WANT TO SPEAK TO ME AGAIN. WE GOT PRETTY CLOSE THERE AND IT WAS WEIRD.

CG: YOU’RE NOT MY MATESPRIT OR MY MOIRAIL OR MY HUMAN “BOYFRIEND”.

CG: IT WAS KIND OF A MISTAKE, I GET IT.

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

CG: WE WON’T DO THAT AGAIN.

CG: IF YOU EVER EVEN TALK TO ME AGAIN…

CG: …

CG: WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?

CG: AAJFHIUURBGJHVVNFNVFFUUUUUCKKKK

CG: OKAY, WHATEVER.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

You consider asking Sollux to implement a message delete function in your trollian application until you remember that he’d see your messages. Yeah, you’d rather fucking die than show your pining mental breakdown to Sollux Captor. That and he literally cannot code anymore, because he literally cannot see. Your husktop pings.

-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

GA: So What Really Happened Last Night

GA: Rose Has Her Theories

CG: WHATEVER LALONDE HAS TOLD YOU IS WRONG.

CG: I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT SHE SAID BUT I AM FULLY CONFIDENT THAT WHATEVER SHE THINKS HAPPENED IS A GROSS OVER-EXAGGERATION OF THE TRUTH.

CG: THE TRUTH BEING, OF COURSE, NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

GA: While That May Be True

GA: I Am Inclined To Believe Her

GA: Not Only Because Of Our Relationship

GA: But Because The Evidence She Has Shown Me Is Quite Compelling

CG: HA! WHAT RELATIONSHIP? NEITHER OF YOU COULD EVER WORK UP THE COURAGE TO ADMIT YOUR FEELINGS.

GA: Oh

GA: I Had Assumed That Dave Would Have Told You By Now

GA: I Did Work Up The Courage

CG: WHAT.

CG: SO SHE’S LIKE, WHAT? YOUR MATESPRIT NOW?

GA: In A Way

GA: It Is Rather Complex Between Human And Troll Relationships

GA: But We Are Romantically Involved

CG: SO YOU’RE NOT IN A DEFINED QUADRANT?

GA: Hmm

GA: I Would Describe It As Something Between Matespritship And Moiralliegience

GA: Not Vacillating Though

GA: More Like A Quadrant In Between

CG: IS THAT EVEN NORMAL? OR OKAY?

GA: Not For Trolls But It Is For Humans

GA: I Suppose There Is No Need To Follow The Rules Of A Society That Is Pretty Much Dead Anyway

CG: HUH.

CG: KANAYA, I THINK I NEED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

CG: I HAVE NEVER REALLY BEEN ABLE TO KEEP MY FEELINGS TO ONE QUADRANT.

CG: LIKE WITH TEREZI. I WANTED HER IN EVERY QUADRANT LIKE A GREEDY OINKBEAST SO I KEPT ON MESSING UP.

CG: AND NOW IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN.

CG: WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

GA: I Have No Idea Who That Could Be

CG: UH, WOW KANAYA???

CG: NO NEED TO BE SUCH A NOOKWHIFF.

GA: Sorry

GA: Rose Has Been Teaching Me The Art Of Sarcasm

CG: WELL SHE’S DOING A SHITTY JOB.

CG: HERE I AM, TELLING YOU MY DEEPEST SECRETS AND FEARS AND THE LITTLE LALONDE DEVIL ON YOUR SHOULDER IS GIVING YOU HINTS ON HOW TO TAKE ME DOWN IN MY HOUR OF NEED.

CG: MIGHT AS WELL TAKE OUT YOUR CHAINSAW AND FINISH THE JOB.

GA: All I Was Saying Is That You And Dave Have A Very

GA: Tense Relationship

GA: But Surely Quadrants Are Meaningless To Him

GA: So Why Does It Matter

CG: NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT DAVE FUCKING STRIDER.

CG: IT MATTERS TO ME BECAUSE I HAVE MADE MY ENTIRE PERSONALITY ABOUT BEING THE QUADRANT GUY. I’M SUPPOSED TO BE AN EXPERT ON THIS AND INSTEAD I HAVE NO INTEREST IN FILLING MY QUADRANTS.

CG: I’M LIKE A HIGHBLOOD TRAINING TO BE A HELMSMAN. LIKE I’M SURE IT’S INTERESTING BUT YOU DON’T HAVE THE SKILLS REQUIRED.

GA: You Enjoy Movies Yet You Arent A Film Director

GA: You Like Coding Even Though Sollux Reports That You Are Disastrous At It

GA: Maybe Being Someone And Being Happy Is Being Full Of Little Inconsistencies

CG: JEGUS, LEAVE THE PHILOSOPHISING IN THE BEDROOM. I BET THAT’S PRACTICALLY DIRTY TALK FOR ROSE.

GA: You Truly Have Been Spending Far Too Much Time With Dave

CG: IT WAS A MOVIE.

GA: ?

CG: WE WATCHED A MOVIE TOGETHER LAST NIGHT AND HE HAD HIS ARM AROUND ME.

CG: AND WHEN I WOKE UP, HE WAS GONE.

CG: THE ASSHOLE PRETTY MUCH SPOONED ME TO SLEEP AND HASN’T SPOKEN TO ME SINCE.

GA: Perhaps Hes Dealing With His Own Quadrant Confusion

GA: Just Be Patient

CG: OH SHIT.

CG: I HAVE TO GO. DAVE’S MESSAGING.

GA: I Told You So

CG: SHUT UP.

CG: I MEAN,THANK YOU.

-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

Your husktop jitters on your knee when Dave’s handle pops up. You aren’t sure how he’s going to react to your past unbearable ranting. Fuck past Karkat.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

TG: jegus youre clingy

TG: cuddle with a dude once and youre blowing up his phone talking about genitals and boyfriends and hooking up

TG: lets just not make it a federal fucking issue

TG: and we could do it again as long as its no big deal

CG: SURE, NO BIG DEAL.

TG: tonight

TG: i got some mega mystery scooby doo shit to tell you about

CG: YEAH.

CG: I DON’T KNOW WHAT SCOOBY DOO MEANS THOUGH.

TG: oh shit

TG: thats tonights movie picked

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

Yeah. No big deal. Whatever.

Chapter Text

Karkat’s husktop shines with your latest masterpiece and you beam at him. The dude doesn't seem too impressed with the art that you painstakingly made for him, to express all your feelings on the whole thing; he more just looks confused. He inspects it closer, eyes practically touching the screen.

“What the fuck is that supposed to say? You’ve fried this to complete and total oblivion.” His eyes dart back and forth over the words.

You point at each word over Karkat’s shoulder. You’re almost resting your head on his, and you could if you got on your tiptoes. He's pretty much a head shorter. “It says, “what’s a lil snuggle between bros”, obviously.”

He frowns. “No it doesn’t. That says snuugle.” He over-pronounces the “u” noise as "oo".

You shrug. “Nope. Snuggle, see?”

“S N U U G L E. Snuugle.” His voice is starting to raise.

“Who’s the alien with a whole different alphabet here? ‘Coz I know it’s not me. That says snuggle, man. I dunno what to tell ya.”

He spins around to face you, fuming. You watch as Karkat’s face grows redder and redder. It’s adorable – no, wait. No, actually it is adorable. You made an executive decision last night to just chill the fuck out and not turn everything into a federal fucking issue. What’s a little snuugle between bros? What’s a little hand-holding? What’s a little teasing to watch his cute little shitfits? Yeah, he’s about to pop off in the most adorable way possible, like a hamster biting your finger: for sure the hamster's pissed off but this is the only way to get it comfortable with you.

He’s been quietly growling like a kettle about to start screaming, and scream he does, “okay, first of all, fuck you. That’s xenophobic as fuck. You don’t see me laughing at your weak skin and lack of self-defensive claws and horns, do you? And second of all, THAT SAYS SNUUGLE! I get it, I understand that you spell things incorrectly for “ironic” payoff – not how irony works, by the way – but you can not be so moronic as to truly believe that that says snuggle, you absolute–” He stops abruptly when you reach out and poke his nose in a gesture that can only be described as a boop. That was pure impulse but somehow you're not freaked out that you did it. At least it shut him up for a moment.

You keep your expression completely neutral as if nothing even happened. He stares back at you, just blinking. After a moment, he speaks. “what.” It is more of a statement than a question.

“Found your off switch.” You smirk a little. He’s very close to your face and the weirdness of it all is making your heart thump so hard in your chest that you think it might beat so far out that it could bodycheck him.

You're looking at each other for a while and thank gog he can't see your eyes, because for some reason they keep darting to his lips. Probably to avoid the intense eye contact. Suddenly his face relaxes and he snorts. “You asshole.” He pushes you back and the weakness in your knees makes you stumble a little.

In what could be the most overzealous retaliation possible, you grab him round the waist and lift him off the ground. He’s quite a bit lighter than he looks; maybe troll bones are less dense? Like a fiberglass baseball bat. He takes a moment to start screaming for you to put him down as you carry him over to the sofa. He wants to get down? Alright. You throw him over your head and suplex him on to the seat. You, meanwhile, land on the floor and knock the wind out of yourself. It probably hurts you more than him. You turn to check he’s alright and he is bright red with his eyes staring dead ahead like there’s an invisible truck headed directly for him.

You clamber up on to the sofa, lifting Karkat’s legs and placing them back down on top of yours. “Karkat buddy, you alright there?”

“What the fuck was that, Strider? How can you lift me like that?” He snaps back into angry Karkat mode nigh instantaneously, like someone has flipped a switch in him.

You flex your skinny arm to pop your muscle. You never liked how muscles look on your spindly body but you suppose they come in useful sometimes. “Dude, you weigh like nothing. Plus I’m fucking jacked.” He laughs at you, prodding your arm with his claw. “It’s probably from all the training and shit but it’s pretty handy. Helped me climb a fucking rope today.”

“What rope? Where were you today?” He sits up, not moving his legs from your lap.

You lay your head on the back of the sofa. “Me and Terezi went exploring. We went to this sick as fuck froggy temple thing on the island and I got a new sword."

"Frog temple? Like the ones for sgrub?" His voice is as quiet as it goes, which isn't very.

You think about the trolls reaction when you first saw the temple, the tears in Terezi's eyes. You don't wanna freak Karkat out like that. " Yeah, I guess. There was some transportalizers that led to those dream planets, which is pretty fucked up. As far as I know they shouldn’t exist anymore.”

Karkat chews on his pouty bottom lip in thought and you watch him from the corner of your eye, hoping your shades mask your intense stare. “I only woke up on Prospit once, right before we won the game. I didn’t really sleep much on account of how fucking idiotic my team was. I think I’m the only one who doesn’t really care that the moons are gone.”

“I dunno if they really are gone…” you muse. “Do you ever wanna talk about it? The game, I mean.”

He looks down. Clearly not. “I probably will at some point. It was just so fucked up to leave behind everything I knew at six sweeps old and take charge of the entire rest of my species. I’m not sure I really know what to say yet.”

“Sure, I get that, man. When you wanna, we can get our fuckin’ snuggle on and talk it out.” You put a hand on his knee in comfort. Or it’s supposed to be comforting; a blush rises through Karkat’s face. “Dude, how do you manage to keep your blood a secret? You blush all the fucking time.”

A scowl comes across his face and he meets your eyes, still rosy-cheeked. “Maybe I only blush all the time around you, fuckass.” It takes him a moment to realise what he’s said, but when he does the deer in headlights look makes its return.

You, however, realise instantly what he’s said. You feel your neutral expression falter for a second and you have to remind yourself not to do an acrobatic fucking pirouette on the handle, or flip off of it for that matter. “You wanna watch a movie?” Smooth segue there, Strider.

Karkat is incredibly grateful for the distraction. “Yeah, uh, what was it you said earlier? Scoopy doo?” He takes his legs from yours to turn and use his husktop. The weight leaving your legs alerts you to the tingling feeling left where your bodies had made contact and you do your hardest to not think about how Rose described liking someone. Nervousness, static touch, breath catching.

“Scooby Doo,” you correct him, leaning over him again. You place your chin on his shoulder this time. You’re shaking but you’re getting bolder, or maybe more comfortable.

Karkat falls asleep before the Mystery Inc. gang even make it to spooky island, with his head on your lap. You aren’t sure how you got into this position but it’s… nice. And this time, you won’t run away in the morning. Instead, you set an alarm on your phone for 5am, so that you can wake Karkat up and save him from more embarrassment. You get comfortable and wind a hand in his wiry curls. You sigh contentedly and fall asleep too. You really like being here on this sofa with this guy. You really like… nah.

Chapter Text

The coffee here is so good, apparently because Jade’s island is off the coast of the best coffee-making countries on the planet. You weren’t a fan of the coffee on the meteor, instead letting the adrenaline and stress be responsible for keeping you awake, and on Alternia, you only rarely got coffee, when your lusus would bring you some or the few times that one of your friends would mail you some. On Earth, though, it’s good and in surplus supply, ready to send fifteen children bouncing off the walls. You’re on cup number four of today.

Jade assigned you all a weekly chore, as suggested by John’s guardian, and she wrongly delegated washing dishes to the clumsiest, stupidest clown on Earth – and you mean clown quite literally. You are supervising Gamzee to make sure that no plates are broken and no knives go missing. He hums to himself quietly, punctuating sentences with honks and adlibs so you can just about tell that he’s composing some truly diabolical slam poetry that Dave would really enjoy “ironically”. Someone really should teach him what irony really means.

Gamzee grabs a plate, scraping browning apple slices into the trash. You feel your bloodpusher pick up speed at the scent of some gross moulding apple, like a Strider-induced Pavlovian response to a fruity, floral stench. It’s quite sad, really; he has you wrapped so far around his finger that you’re even more tightly wound than usual. You tune out the sounds of Gamzee rapping and think about the last two nights. Sure it’s fine for human bros to have a little snuggle (or so Dave says), but you have never seen him play with Egbert’s hair or lean so far over his shoulder that their bodies press together. You don’t know a lot about how human friendships work but you’re about 95% sure that Dave’s flirting with you, you just don’t think you could–

Fuck! You almost fall from your perch on the table when your daydream is interrupted by a shattering plate. Gamzee turns to you with half-lidded eyes and a forlorn face, contorting his painted-on smile. “Whoops. Sorry bro. I straight up motherfucking dropped that shit. This gets your claws all up and slippy as fuck.” He picks up the bottle of soapy liquid to show you and instantly drops that too. It spurts a few tiny bubbles out as it hits the floor. “Haha, whoops again! Man, who even knows how it works? All makin’ bubbles and slicking up everything. It’s a motherfucking miracle.” He moves in slow motion to pick up the bottle that’s surrounded by shattered ceramic pieces. Nope, you can see where this is going.

“Just move over a bit. I’ll get it,” you sigh, jumping from the table and kneeling to throw pieces into the trash. You pass the bottle up to Gamzee, who holds it delicately with both hands as if he’s afraid it’s going to slip again. Which it might.

You feel his eyes on you, just watching as you clean up HIS mess. “Aww, thanks man. We might have gotten all these motherfucking human pals, but you’re still my best motherfucking friend. You’re always looking out for me and shit.” You look back up at him in absolute disgust that he’d even insinuate that you care for him, but he’s already zoned the fuck out, staring at the running water from the tap and mumbling shit about miracles. You can’t keep this guy's attention for one second.

“You’re done!” You shout to regain his attention. He is in fact nowhere near finishing the dishes, but it’s taken him two hours to clean probably eight things and you can’t see him getting it done any time soon. “It’s all good, you can go chill or eat fucking slime pies, or whatever it is that you do here all day.” He doesn’t even respond with words, he just honks at you politely and shuffles out to let you do his chores. You really need to get Jade to take him off the rota.

You sink your fronds into soapy water and immediately your palmhusk chimes with a message. You fish it out of your pocket, soaking the screen in the meantime.

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] opened a public bulletin board: Teenage rebellion --

TT: I have come to the conclusion that we are all severely underperforming as teenagers, on a deserted island, with little to no supervision.

TT: Having researched the topic, it seems we have two choices.

TT: Either we start killing one another, a la Lord Of The Flies, or we “throw a rager”.

TT: I, personally, am not particularly keen on the murder idea, but I am willing to take a vote.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] responded to memo --

CG: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOH GOING ON ABOUR??

CG: SHIT. MY SCREEN’S WET.

-- twinArmageddons [TA] responded to memo --

TA: y0u cann0t be saying shit like that after what we saw 0n y0ur screen yesterday, kk.

TA: d0 i need t0 send the picture i t00k?

CG: YOU TOOK A FUCKING PICTURE?

TA: lma0

-- ectoBiologist [EB] responded to memo --

EB: i think everyone took a picture, karkat!

CG: WELL, CAN EVERYONE DELETE THEIR PICTURES?

EB: hmm… nope! LOL

-- turntechGodhead [TG] responded to memo --

TG: are we talking about karkat watching porn in the foyer

TG: fucking classic

TG: ive got a pic too

EB: but dave, you weren’t even there when we all caught Karkat :?

TG: mustve caught him a different time

TG: the dudes an addict

TG: just always searching for those hot milfs in the area

TG: rose is lucky her mom is so far away otherwise karkat would be all up on her

TT: Are you saying that you’d like to fuck my mother, Dave? That is the implication of the term “milf”, right?

TG: all im saying is youre lucky shes not here

TT: I am all of a sudden more inclined towards the more Golding inspired approach to island life.

CG: ONCE AGAIN I AM BEGGING YOU TO EXPLAIN WHAT THIS MEMO WAS CALLED FOR. OR WAS IT JUST FOR MORE BULLSHIT CONVERSATIONS ABOUT EARTH LITERATURE AND STRIDER’S INSATIABLE HORNINESS.

--grimAuxiliatrix [GA] responded to memo --

GA: I Believe That This Is Roses Particularly Verbose Way Of Suggesting That We Throw A Party

GA: An Idea That Was Seemingly Inspired By The Discovery Of Some Human Soporifics When Taking Care Of Her Cleaning Chores

-- gardenGnostic [GG] responded to memo --

GG: soporifics??

TT: I found your grandfather’s alcohol stash. It just so happens that the globes in Kanaya, Feferi, and Nepeta’s room were not only purely for decoration.

TG: woah you found booze

TG: and old man booze at that

TG: theres gotta be some crazy prohibition bathtub whiskey in there

TG: the type of shit that blinds you with one sip

TT: My thoughts exactly. And as (almost) unattended teenagers, isn’t it our god-given right to break some rules?

-- arachnidsGrip [AG] responded to memo --

AG: Who is this cool girl and what have you done with 8oring Rose Lalonde?!

AG: I’m with you on 8r8king some rules 8ut soporifics???????? I don’t want to end up with my thinkpan fried like Makara!

TT: Kanaya has explained troll intoxicants to me and I can absolutely assure you that alcohol is very different. The effects are fairly mild, depending on the volume that you drink, and they will only last until you wake up the next day.

TT: Unless you drink too much.

EB: i’m not sure my dad will be ok with us getting drunk, rose

TG: so we wait till hes gone to bed and then its no holds barred

TG: trolls gone wild

TG: plus tell me you dont wanna see these trolls at a party

TG: imagine nepeta just breaking it down on the fucking dancefloor

-- arsenicCatnip [AC] responded to memo --

AC: :33 < hell yes!

TG: see

TG: hell yes

EB: hmm

EB: ok fine! i’m in!

EB: but only so i can see if karkat stops yelling when hes drunk :p

CG: FUCK YOU. I’M NOT THE SOURCE OF YOUR GOGDAMN ENTERTAINMENT, EGBERT.

CG: I’M NOT A BARKBEAST DOING TRICKS FOR TREATS JUST TO MAKE YOU HAPPY.

TG: aw come on man

TG: you dont have to drink but you at least have to come just to check out my mad dj skillz

TG: ill let you request a song

CG: UGHHHH. FINE.

TT: So that’s me, Kanaya, Vriska, Nepeta, John, Dave, and Karkat are in.

TT: Who else?

GG: im coming!! i always liked when my grandpa put a little scotch in my hot chocolate as a little kid!

TG: what

GG: what??

TA: yeah, c0unt me and ff in tw0.

TT: Great. Nepeta, do you know if Equius would be coming?

TT: And can anyone find and ask any others?

AC: :33 < equius will come but he says that neither of us will be lapping up sopurrrifics

AC: :33 < *ac rolls her eyes*

-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] responded to memo --

GC: 1 W1LL COM3 TO YOUR L4M3 P4RTY

AG: Yayyyyyyyy! ::::D

GC: D1D YOU H4V3 T0 H1T M3 TO G3T MY 4TT3NT1ON?

AG: Hmm… nope! 8ut it worked, didn’t it?

AG: Now everyone important is in!

TT: I still am awaiting responses from Tavros, Gamzee, and Eridan.

AG: Like I said: everyone important is in!!!!!!!!

CG: DON’T HOLD YOUR BREATH FOR A RESPONSE FROM GAMZEE. IF HE TURNS UP, HE TURNS UP.

CG: THE CLOWN DOESN’T NEED TO CONSUME ANYTHING THAT COULD FUCK HIS PAN MORE THAN IT ALREADY IS.

GG: im getting tavros!!

TT: Thank you, Jade. Does anyone want to find Eridan and invite him?

TT: Anyone?

GA: The Silence Seems To Me To Translate As A Resounding No

-- adiosToreador [AT] responded to memo --

AT: i WILL COME, tO YOUR PARTY, tHAT IS,

AT: iF I AM INVITED, oF COURSE,

TT: Of course you’re invited, Tavros.

AG: 8oooooooo ::::/

GC: SHUT UP VR1SK4

TT: If anyone sees Eridan, feel free to let him know, I suppose.

TT: John, could you drop a message in here when your father has gone to bed?

EB: sure!

TT: We’ll meet outside, as long as the rain is holding off, and we’ll do our duty as teenagers.

TG: hang on

TG: i cant dj your party outside

TG: my decks might get wet

TT: Your “decks” are Jade’s laptop; I’m sure you’ll find a way.

TG: fine

TG: the screen might get wet

TT: Only if it’s raining.

CG: OH SO EVERYONE LAUGHS WHEN *MY* SCREEN IS WET, BUT WHEN THE GUY WHO CONSTANTLY REFERS TO SEX SAYS *HIS* MIGHT GET WET, THAT’S NOT FUNNY?

CG: I SEE HOW IT IS.

CG: THE DOUBLE STANDARDS ARE CLEAR AS DAY.

TG: jegus man stop talking about me getting wet

EB: yeah, karkat. that’s gross!

TT: Honestly, Karkat. It’s like you’re obsessed.

CG: I HATE ALL OF YOU.

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] closed memo --

Chapter Text

“Check one, two… check one, two… check, check,” you shout into your balled-up fist that is currently serving as your mic.

Rose stares you down. “Dave, you don’t have a microphone. You don’t have to embarrass yourself like this.”

She’s right. Your setup leaves something to be desired – everything. It leaves everything to be desired. Your stage is a thin concrete patio, your turntables (Jade’s laptop) are mounted on a high stool from the kitchen, your P.A. system is a speaker plugged into Jade’s laptop, and your sound manager is a girl who knows more about knitting needles than record needles. “It’s not gonna be embarrassing when I drop the nastiest beats this island’s ever heard.”

“Apologies. What I meant to say was please don’t do this.” She’s been consistently trying to dissuade you that it’s the right kind of party for a DJ, but her smile gives her game away. Rose is secretly very excited for this party. It’s made even clearer by the fact that she’s wearing a green dress that touches the ground and swooshes as she walks. And black lipstick.

You watch her check the time on her phone and then turn it off to check her face in the black mirror screen. “Are you wearing makeup? Did you forget that the only people coming are the same people we see everyday? Is Kanaya really gonna care that you’re all dolled up?” You haven’t made half as much effort; you’re back to wearing your freshly cleaned “everything’s bigger in Texas” shirt. At least you put a pair of John’s jeans on instead of sweatpants.

Rose eyes your outfit up and down as she cracks open a bottle of something brown – maybe rum or whiskey? “That may be the worst question asked in history. Have you spoken to Kanaya much at all?” She pours some booze into two glasses, measuring it equal with her eyes, and adds some cola in. “Here, rum and coke.” You don’t know how she knows so much about this stuff.

You hesitate taking it. “Do none of these drinks go with apple juice?” You sniff the concoction. It only really smells like cola.

“Vodka goes with everything, and tequila goes with most fruity mixers.” She pushes the rum and coke into your hand. “Try this, though. You’ll like it.” You take a tentative sip. It tastes mostly like coke but there’s a warmth to it that you feel all the way down to your stomach when you swallow. It’s not too bad, but you’d definitely prefer apple juice.

“Are you starting already? My dad’s only just gone to bed. He’ll be reading his paper for a while yet,” John laughs as he joins you outside. You’re definitely under-dressed; he’s wearing a blue button-up shirt, fastened all the way to the collar. It’s dorky in that perfect Egbertian way, and he’s used something in his hair to flatten it down. Your best friend is a real fucking geek.

Rose hands him the same drink that she handed you. “Where does he even get the newspaper? It isn’t like this island has a postal service or a newsboy.”

“Jegus, a newsboy? What are you, 500 years old?” You put on an old-timey transatlantic accent, “extra, extra! Read all about it!”

She snorts at you. “The newsboys were only about 150 years ago, Dave. The USA didn’t exist 500 years ago.”

“Yeah, you’d know.” John chimes in, offering you a high five. You slap his hand because, while you’re more of a fistbump kind of guy, you’d never leave a good bro hanging. “Ooh, Dave, I’ve got some song suggestions for you.” John comes round to advise you on how to mix the Ghostbusters theme song. You don’t tell him that you’ve already got it ready.

Others start filtering down. Most have gotten changed, leaving you feeling pretty stupid in your ironic tee, but, you remind yourself, they’re all horny teens looking to impress someone. You’re not trying to impress anyone, right? And either way, you’ll impress him– them all with your mad skillz on the mic. You start up the music as the garden starts to fill out, and Rose has taken on the role of bartender, mixing up and handing out drinks like she’s been doing it her whole life. She stops mid-pour when Kanaya walks out the door, pissing off a very under-dressed Sollux, and stares at her, like something out of a dumb high school movie prom scene. To be fair to her, Kanaya looks great; she’s wearing a red dress with a tight black belt pulling in her waist, and red gloves to the elbow. To top it all off, she also has makeup on – black lipstick as well and green blush on her cheeks, which is only deepening the color she turns as she looks at Rose. It’s cute, honestly. They make a pretty sweet couple.

You think, as she comes outside, that Jade should win outfit of the night. She’s wearing a strapless dress-thing that looks so cool. It’s black but glittery, like stars, and it has her signature green lining the bottom of it. Clearly Kanaya has been put to work on the girls outfits. Most of them, at least, because you’re fairly sure that Kanaya didn’t make Terezi a rainbow tie-dyed tee and dragon-hooded cape – it doesn’t seem quite to her standards – but she definitely made the bowtie on Tavros’ neck. Your vantage point (one inch of concrete above the grass) lets you watch everyone’s entrances. Some are more dramatic than others, and you snicker as Eridan twirls his cape and is met with no response. You think you’ll throw the guy a bone though, and you play an airhorn noise to get everyone’s attention.

Karkat isn’t here yet, not that you’re looking for him but you’d be pretty pissed if he didn’t turn up. You’re one drink deep so you stick on a pre-mixed version of Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up and head over to the bar table. The three humans groan at the song choice, to the confusion of many, many trolls. You rap your knuckles against the table. “Could I get an apple juice with, uh, what was it you said before?”

“Vodka or tequila?” Rose’s voice is louder than usual and her face is flushed. She holds up two bottles of clear stuff to you.

You look at them, as if there’s much difference to you. “Does that one say Jose on it? Man, I gotta see what Jose tastes like. I always wanted to drink a Mexican guy.”

Rose looks at you and then at Kanaya and then back at you. Her smile is less subtle than usual. “Pretty gay, Dave. Pretty gay.” She pours your tequila, a little heavier than before.

“Says the girl all dressed up to impress her hot alien girlfriend,” you say. “Wait, did I say hot? Sorry, Kanaya. I mean, you do look hot but like, not like that.” You backtrack quickly.

Kanaya blushes again. Must be a troll thing, to blush so easily. “Well, thank you, Dave. I must admit that your outfit has some… Oh, let’s say, room for improvement.” Rose laughs boisterously as she hands you a suspiciously piss-colored drink, just how you like them. Hang on. Not piss, you don’t like drinking piss. You like apple juice.

“Ouch, burn. I can’t even say jack shit back to you ‘coz you look great. I’ve completely shit the bed in this conversation. It’s over for me. My speaking rights will be forever revoked. This is gonna be awkward as fuck now, ‘coz I’m not speaking again. So much for my rap performance I had planned for later.” You mime zipping your lips. Just as you’re about to pocket a metaphorical key, Rose takes it from you. She makes a dramatic motion of placing the imaginary key on the table, taking out an imaginary sledgehammer and absolutely destroying it. You make a muffled noise of protest between pursed lips.

Kanaya watches this happen, amused and confused at once. “This is a particularly strange human behavior. Am I to understand that you have locked your lips to prevent talking and Rose has destroyed the key that would unlock your mouth?” You nod rapidly. “What a relief.” Your mouth opens in shocked laughter. Kanaya’s sweet, prim tone is quite the comedic asset.

Rose praises her sarcasm and comedic timing, and you take the opportunity to subtly look for Karkat. Or not so subtly, as Rose cuts her flirting off when she catches you. “He isn’t here yet, Dave,” she says slyly.

“What? Who? Nah, I’m just checking that my guests are liking the jams.” The rickroll song has finished now, and a dubstep remix of Keyboard Cat starts playing. Nepeta pretty much screams with joy. She’s been obsessed with that video since you first showed her it, and has been practically begging John for piano lessons.

You take a sip of your drink. It tastes… kind of like apple juice. Weird apple juice. It’s okay. “So you aren’t waiting anxiously for Karkat to arrive? Because he’s the only one not here yet. Except for Gamzee. Are you waiting for Gamzee?” You roll your eyes at Rose behind your shades.

“Yeah, I’m waiting for the juggalo. He’s hooking me up with that shit that keeps him high all the time.”

Kanaya lifts her head from where she’s been texting. “He’s on his way. Karkat, that is.”

You shrug. “Cool. Don’t care, really.” You turn to leave. “I gotta get back to my decks. My people need me. See ya, ladies.” You pop back behind the laptop to throw some mixing on the Fresh Prince of Bel Air theme. It isn’t for Karkat specifically, but you have heard him talk about troll Will Smith.

When he comes through the door, you smile and wave him over – none of that staring and floundering shit like Rose did. No one’s watching a cheesy rom-com about two dudes from different planets. Except for Karkat, he’d probably love that. He looks really good, wearing a new black knitted sweater. It’s neater than the other and has red thick stitching lining the cuffs and neck. You nod at it as he comes over. “Cool sweater, but I thought you don’t wear that color?”

“I’m not wearing it because it’s my blood color, asshole. I’m wearing it because I like the color. Plus, who gives a shit about the hemospectrum, anymore? Alternia doesn’t exist. I’m hardly a mutant here, I’m in the fucking majority.” He’s clearly been justifying this to himself.

You can’t help but feel a little warm knowing that he’s wearing your favourite color, like when Kanaya wears lilac or Nepeta with her indigo-blue hat or Feferi with her yellow beaded bracelet. “Well, you look good in it.” You keep the compliment pretty nonchalant but Karkat still turns a color resembling the stitching on his sleeves.

He mumbles a thanks and then stands there awkwardly. You feel a little awkward too, so you down your tequila-apple, hoping for a bit of that liquid courage everyone’s always talking about. Rose waves Karkat over to offer him a drink and you eye him as he walks away, noticing the tight pants he’s wearing that leave nothing about his backside to the imagination. Fuck. Not that you were looking at his ass or anything, it’s just a pretty decent ass, that’s all. Anyone would be watching him walk away.

Now that everyone (bar Gamzee) has arrived, you have a plan to execute. You throw on a pretty generic beat that you’d mixed up earlier and clink your glass as the universal sign for attention. Time for the best gogdamn freestyle roast that anyone’s ever done or ever will do again. “Okay, listen up. I’ve got something to say. Or should I say… something to spit. Check it:” Everyone turns to face you. Karkat slams his palm to his face and an increasingly drunk Rose looks like she’s trying not to laugh. Here we go.

“Yeah, uh.
D.Stride on the mic.
Got a whole island here full of motherfucking trolls.
I’m freestyle gonna troll ‘em till they feel it in their souls.
Karkat’s up first, dude’s a prick ‘coz he’s thorny.
Chatting to the porn bots; he’s got horns, yeah he’s horny.
Was that bar a little too corny for ya?
Well bro, here’s Terezi. She’s your motherfucking lawyer.
Can’t defend shit all her clients are hanging;
judge, jury, exeCUTE. Can’t stop the gavel she’s banging…
Banging?
Huh…
Reminds me of Sollux who the fish princess would.
Your blood might be yellow but do you piss blood?
Givin Fef your STDs coz of her good figure
or are you just a gold blooded troll gold digger?
Yeah, yeah.
Kitty cat, kitty cat, Nep’s up next.
Add to your shipping chart that you’re boutta have sex,
‘coz my sick fires have you motherfucking boned
and like Equius they got you motherbleeping owned.
Not gonna roast him ‘coz hes muscular as shit,
but the guy drinks so much milk you’d think it’s coming out his tit.
Oh shit!
Got some other rappers here like Tavros the robot;
got no dick. Robo-legs but no robo-cock.
Do trolls have dicks? Eridan I’ll ask you,
‘coz your hand will know well with all the jerking you do.
Speaking of jerks, there’s the spider girl –
don’t know you super well but I'll give this a whirl.
Stole Karkat’s job, she’s the fuckin’ troll leader.
She’s kinda scary so, Egbert, careful how you treat her.
Humans and trolls?
That’s kinda gross,
which leads me on to Kanaya and Rose:
these girls can’t spit but they talk in prose.
Yeah, Kanaya, you look hot in your brand new clothes,
I know your girlfriend wants to rip ‘em off and give you a snuggle.
And who’s the only guy not here? Oh, right. The one who can juggle…
Ohhh.”

You play a few airhorn noises and some explosion noises for good measure, as you drop the imaginary mic. That may have been the greatest freestyle roast rap in history. There’s a moment of stunned silence as everyone is surely reeling from the insane third-degree burns that they just received. Then you are greeted with a few polite claps from Nepeta and Tavros, and uproarious laughter from everyone else. Fuck yes. Karkat is slamming his hand on the drinks table in near tears. You start some music up, as Jade’s laptop beeps at 10% battery, and head over to be praised like the king of M.C’s that you are.

Chapter Text

Your name is Karkat Vantas and you have just witnessed the single worst human “rap” performance that has ever or will ever be performed. And you realised, in that moment, watching him rhyme “robot” with “robo-cock” into a non-existent microphone, that you don’t just have a crush. You are completely, well and truly, undoubtedly in fucking love with Dave Strider. You find his ironic rapping funny and charming, you think it’s hot how he throws up hand gestures to emphasise every word, you like how he looks in his dumb “everything’s bigger in Texas” tee, and you appreciate the shitty remix that he starts playing at the end. You are so thoroughly fucked.

The drink Rose gave you tastes sweet and warm. It isn’t really to your taste but you slurp it down anyway as Dave swaggers over. You have never seen someone look more like a cocky tool in your life. “So,” he says, slipping into the seat beside you and motioning for another drink to Rose. “What did you think?” He smiles, full of certain optimism.

You struggle to keep your smile to yourself. “I have never heard a more offensive, xenophobic, laughably bad piece of slam poetry in my life, and I’ve heard Gamzee’s slam poetry. The way that you choose to embarrass and debase yourself in front of an audience of people that you have to see every fucking day, purposefully for your own misconstrued idea of “irony”, is honestly enigmatic. You pride yourself on being a cool kid and then proceed to do possibly the least cool thing that anyone has done since some idiot decided to create the universe that allowed you to behave like this.” You have worked yourself up to standing and yelling and Rose places another drink in front of you, most likely in an attempt to cool your hothead down. You aren’t mad, though, not really.

Dave just smiles, the full smile that he does when the two of you are alone, and leans back. “So you liked it?” You roll your eyes and push him in response.

“Boys, boyyyssss!” Rose pipes up, her mouth fumbling with the words. Clearly the soporifics are getting to her pan. “This flirting is unbearable!” She picks up a bottle of something clear and dumps the rest of it into her glass with an unstable hand. Kanaya makes some move to help her, but she’s a little too late as the alcohol fills up half of the cup, and Rose tops it up with a little of the fizzing drink. You know nothing about this stuff, but it’s pretty clear her ratio is well off.

You go to protest, to insist that it isn’t flirting, but Dave jumps in first. “This is just revenge for you and Kanaya’s sickly sweet stalling that you had to put us through. That would’ve driven me to drink like a sailor, too.” You whip your head round. Is he implying that you two are like Rose and Kanaya? He continues staring at Rose, like there was nothing weird about that.

“Don’t flatter yourself, Strider, I’m not drinking because of you.” Rose stops speaking for a second to make a high pitched noise from her chest and covers her mouth with her hand. “Sorry, hiccups. I was just saying, though, you can’t make me watch all this fanfiction, slow-burn, conspicuous courtship ritual. It doesn’t even seem like you see what you’re doing. It’s like… Freud’s defense mechanism theory; you’re repressing your feelings, due to early-life trauma, and rationalising them with excuses of irony and revenge. It’s classic Freudian theory – Strider 101.” She makes that funny noise again and then holds her breath.

Dave just laughs, “wow, thanks doc, but I’ll seek a second opinion. Where’s your degree from, anyway? You’ve got a proper boner for this Freud guy, he’s all you ever quote. It’s almost like you read his wikipedia pages and decided you were the master of dick joke psychology and started diagnosing everybody with gay.” He throws an arm over your shoulder. You’re not sure why. The drink that Rose just made him is already gone.

You and Kanaya make awkward eye contact, while Dave and Rose continue their strange banter-argument. They go round in circles: Rose calls Dave gay and Dave chatters on and on about something mostly irrelevant. They each pour another drink while the other is talking. They are only interrupted by the speaker yelling loudly, “connection lost,” and the music cuts abruptly.

“Shit, Jade’s laptop’s dead. No more music,” Dave mutters. His arm is still slung casually over your shoulder.

Rose rises from her seat, wobbling and putting a hand on Kanaya’s shoulder for balance. “I’ve got an idea.” Her smug tone cuts through the intoxication. Dave’s eyebrows rocket up behind his shades in alarm. “Okay, everyone! The music has unfortunately come to an end, but I think it’s time for a little game,” Rose waggles her eyebrows haphazardly. She directs you all to sit in a circle on the floor, and make sure you have full glasses.

Once everyone’s sitting down, she explains the rules. Truth or dare, and if you choose not to answer a question or not to do a dare, you have to down your glass. You suddenly understand Dave’s reaction. He’s sitting next to you now, a little closer than he needs to be, and your knees are pressed together.

Rose lets Kanaya ask first, to make sure everyone gets the game. “Uh, hmm,” Kanaya considers for a minute, her eyes travel around the circle before she lands on her target. “Vriska, truth or dare?”

Vriska grins. “Really, Fussy Fangs, I thought you’d moved on. I’ll go for truth.”

“Okay, how many of the people in this circle have you kissed before?” Rose lets out a gasp at her girlfriend’s snoopy question.

Vriska looks around the circle, counting. “Including people I’m ashamed of?” Tavros’ cheeks flush a little. Kanaya nods. “Okay, five. Six, if we’re including certain dearly departed robo-chicks.” The answer surprises you. You know she had a kismesissitude with Eridan and her and Kanaya had a weird pale-flushed thing, but five people and Aradia?

Rose leans forward, losing balance, “ooh, who?” Her eyes have lit up at the temptation to gossip.

“I thought that it was my turn now, right Rose?” Rose nods almost comically sullenly and sits back again, leaning on Kanaya’s side, who passes her a glass of water. Vriska looks around for a victim like an imperial drone searching for someone on the cull-list. It’s terrifying. “Tavros, truth or dare?” She’s found her victim. Oh fuck. Goodbye Tavros, this is the end for you.

“Uh, I think probably truth, because you’d do something to hurt me if I said dare, I think.” Tavros looks like he’s about to shit himself if everyone keeps on staring at him.

She beams a smile, as if he’s chosen exactly as she wanted him to. “Have you told your new best friend Jade about your little meddle into her past when we were on the meteor? I think she’d be interested to know.”

Jade looks worriedly at Tavros. He sighs, relieved. “Well, um, no I haven’t, but I could tell her now, I think. You are probably right that she might find it interesting.”

“What is it?” Jade pinches at the skin on her lips.

Tavros chuckles, “well, it’s a funny story, of sorts. You see, I was watching you and Becquerel play, on my husktop, with firearms, and it seemed very fun. I thought I could probably play too. Well, not actually, but by communing through Bec, with my powers, and you accidentally shot one of the firearms at yourself, but I, as I was communing with Bec, successfully, and quite heroically, if I say so myself, which I do, redirected the bullet.” He smiles, proud of himself. “And, if I can add, the bullet hit an, uh, elderly intruder in the garden.”

Beside you, Dave leans forwards, chewing on his nails. Jade looks wary and somewhat angry. “When? Tavros, when was this in my life? How old was I?”

“Uh, I’m not sure. You looked, uh, pretty small.” He shrinks back to normal, after his brief moment of confidence, upon seeing Jade’s reaction.

Her eyes dart to the floor. “Oh my god, grandpa,” she mumbles under her breath. Then a tear falls from her face. She stands up and walks away.

“Jade,” Dave starts. He goes to stand.

Jade brushes him off. “Sorry, I just need a minute alone.” She runs into the house.

Everyone sits in stunned silence for a moment. Vriska speaks up first, “on with the game, then. Go on, Tavros, ask a boring question.” She rolls her eyes.

“Uh, okay. Uh, Rose, truth or dare, I guess.” He looks unsure about continuing the game.

Rose, too intoxicated to even process Jade’s upset, carries on. “Dare, please!” You guess the game is carrying on.

Tavros thinks for a while. He clearly has no ideas. “Uh, would you kiss Kanaya in front of everybody, only if you want to, of course.” Well that’s a shitty dare.

“Sure.” Rose grabs Kanaya’s face and plants a small, tender kiss on her lips. Kanaya turns a shade so green that she blends into the grass. “Finally, my turn.” Rose makes eye contact with Dave and smirks. “Dave, truth or dare?”

He flips her off. “Fine, dare. There’s nothing I won’t do, Lalonde.”

She winks at him. “Oh, I’m sure there is. Dave, I dare you to kiss Karkat.”

What the fuck? You can feel yourself flushing. You’re sure he’s going to refuse, though, to choose to drink instead. He won’t kiss you right now, in front of everybody. You don’t want that. Well, you do, desperately, but you’d prefer something a little more private.

“Only if Karkat’s good with that.” He’s challenging her, right? Calling her bluff? Or maybe your bluff, maybe he wants you to say no.

You turn to look at him, about to say no, but he nods ever so slightly. Permission to say yes. Permission to let you let him kiss you. “Fuck, fine! I guess I’ll be an accessory in your stupid game, Lalonde.” You think that was the right amount of protest.

Dave smiles. He’s doing this to prove Rose wrong and yet he hasn’t taken his eyes off you. “If we’re doing this, though, making this hapen, we’re gonna do it right.” He stands up and grabs your hand with his disfigured one, pulling you to your feet in front of him. Then he pulls your hand towards him, sending the rest of your body stumbling against him, he puts his hand around your waist and pulls you right into him. “Can I grab your ass for effect?” he whispers into your ear. You nod once, terrified.

He yanks at the dip of your lower back and your faces are millimeters from each other. You lean in first and kiss him. His mouth is warm and tastes predictably like apples, but slightly sour with the alcohol. He opens it slightly more and presses his face harder against yours, as his hand travels towards your ass. This is so unbelievably hot, that you begin to forget that your friends are all watching, with varying degrees of shock. One of your fronds sweats into his, and the other lays at your side lamely so you lift it and wind it into the back of his hair. He exhales, surprised, into your mouth and his grip on your ass tightens, forcing you on to your toes, and you seriously aren’t sure how much more of this you can take in public. His body is pressed against yours.

He stops kissing you suddenly, leaning his forehead against yours, panting slightly. Then, like a showman, he turns himself out towards the crowd and takes a bow.

You stand there, starstruck. Lovestruck.

Chapter Text

The showmanship was a great way to play that whole kiss as ironic but, as you sit back in the wet grass, the drunken courage floods from your body. You have just kissed Karkat. And you did so in front of everybody. People are laughing and whooping, Rose especially. Karkat himself looks shell-shocked, focusing his eyes so hard on a patch of grass in front of him that his pupils are almost crossed. You try to keep it together.

Rose prods your leg, leaning over Kanaya. “The game must continue,” her voice quietens to a stage-whisper, “even if you are processing a sexuality crisis.” She winks. Rose is so drunk that she doesn’t realise her social faux-pas right now. You’ll make her feel like shit about this at some point but not just yet.

Okay, keeping it together… You consider how best to do this when all you really want is to run away and throw up the tequila and rum, and god knows what else, that is swirling in your stomach. You should act cool, just move on and ask someone else, wait a few rounds to make your escape. But all you can think is to ask Karkat if he enjoyed that kiss as much as you did, and that is in no way chill.

“Uh,” your eyes flicker around the circle to see who you could pin the attention on. Eridan is staring at you with pleading eyes. Of fucking course. “Eridan, truth or dare?”

Vriska groans.

“Dare!” He looks around the circle, like he’s considering who he’d pick to kiss. You’re not going to put that on anyone.

“I dare you to let Kanaya dress you however she wants.” You shoot a wink to Kanaya.

Eridan’s face drops at the lack of a kissing dare but he turns his nose up toward you. “Fine, let’s go, Kan. You’d better make me look fuckin’ distinguished, though.”

“Of course. When have I ever dressed someone poorly?” You’re about 98% certain that was sarcasm.

The two of them wander back into the house and the circle erupts in conversation. Karkat, though, is still trained on the same patch of grass in silence. You swallow down the rising bile in your throat. “You think she’s gonna get that I wanted him to look stupid?”

Karkat doesn’t respond.

“Hey, Karkat.”

He blinks and makes a small “hmm?” in response.

“I said, you think Kanaya’s gonna make Eridan look stupid?”

Karkat blinks again and looks up at you. His face is still red. If no one knew his blood color before, they certainly will after tonight. “Heh, won’t take much work.”

You grin. You can’t help it.

“Heyyy…” Rose slides in front of the two of you, on her knees, covering her dress in mud. “By any chance, are the two of you discussing that sloppy makeout? Wink,” she slurs the word wink out loud, whilst waggling her eyebrows.

You grimace at Karkat, earning a light chuckle from him, and turn to Rose. “Did you just say wink out loud?”

She ponders on it for a second before flatly responding, “yep.”

“Hey, Lalonde, are you so bored without your girlfriend here for five fucking seconds that you have to butt into our conversation and make it our problem?” Karkat half-yells, half-seriously.

Rose giggles, flopping against your shoulder. “Why? Were you discussing secrets?” Her eyebrows jump about again. You’d think they were filled with ants. Her head lolls and she looks up at you, gasping as if she suddenly remembered that you are there. “Dave, I can’t believe you did it. I didn’t think you actually would.”

You feel the sickness rising again and you shrug Rose off your shoulder. “You know me, I’ll do anything for a dare,” you turn on the blasé Strider charm. “Can’t lose face. ‘Specially not this face. I’m like the opposite of Nic Cage.” Rose stares blankly. “‘cause, y’know he was in Face Off. Jegus, someone get Egbert; he’d love that one.”

“Excuse me,” Kanaya announces, stepping back outside and saving you from the shittiest joke in history, “introducing the new and improved Eridan Ampora!”

Eridan shuffles out from behind Kanaya, sporting his usual shirt, but cropped like a boob tube, and a red skirt that barely leaves anything to the imagination. On his arms and legs, he has stockings and gloves that are striped like his usual trousers and, to top it all off, Kanaya has scraped his hair into thin pigtails. He looks ridiculous but sort of good? Like someone could put a picture of him in a semi-ironic calendar, maybe for March. You’re not really sure why. Kanaya, as usual, is incapable of making someone look completely awful.

Whilst everybody is staring at Eridan, laughing, taking pictures, and wolf-whistling, you turn to see Karkat’s reaction. It’s as if he hasn’t even noticed; he’s back to staring at the grass in front of him, but this time, looking thoroughly pissed off. You feel sick again, and make your escape while everyone’s distracted. You don’t think anyone notices when you slip in the door.

In the bathroom, you blow chunks. It seems never-ending, until eventually, you slump against the wall beside the toilet. You did that. You fucking kissed Karkat and groped his ass in front of everyone. Groping his ass wasn’t part of the dare — you WANTED to do that. In your drunk, horny confidence you macked on the guy in front of god and everyone, and now he won’t even look at you.

And that’s the worst part of it all. You don’t focus on what Bro would say, or Rose’s teasing, or how conflicted your thoughts are, or even if this means you’re gay. All you can think about is Karkat’s pissed off unresponsiveness afterwards. You brushed the dare off, turned the kiss into a big joke. Who could blame Karkat for thinking that you don’t give a shit? Even worse, you ran away. Karkat probably noticed; you were sitting right beside him. You’ve just blown tequila-apple chunks all over your friendship or whatever the fuck it is. Or was.

You flashstep through the house to the transportalizer to avoid anyone seeing you. You’re crying now, and you don’t cry. Your eyes are blurred with tears as you transportalize up a few floors.

“Dave?” Jade’s voice is thin and trembling.

Shit. You went up too far. You sniff back your emotions. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to-”

Jade grabs your arm. “No, please stay. I need someone right now.” Her face is soaked. In the haze of your own melodramatic revelation of the night, you’d forgotten about Jade’s. Tavros fucking killed her grandpa, you guess? Elderly murder cases are a little more pressing than homoerotic friendship breakups.

“Sure, I’ll stay.” You follow her and sit on the bed beside her.

Jade takes a pillow and hugs it close to her. “I don’t know what to do,” she mumbles.

“What? You don’t have to do anything. Except maybe stop hanging out with Tavros, ‘cause that was for sure fucked up.”

She weakly chuckles. “I’m not even pissed off with Tavros. Well, I am a little, but I’m mostly pissed off with myself. I mean, you heard him! I fired that gun! I killed my grandpa,” she blinks more tears down her cheeks and her voice turns to a barely-there whisper, “I killed my grandpa.”

You’re not sure what to do. Jade looks like she needs a hug but probably not from her ex-boyfriend. You opt for a friendly pat on her shoulder. “Not really. Tavros said, you were going to kill yourself with that bullet. HE redirected it. If anything, blame Vriska for making him tell you. Or don’t blame anyone. Or blame me if you need to. I don’t think you should blame yourself.”

“I guess. Just, all these years I’ve wondered what happened. Now I know and it doesn’t make it any better.”

You shrug pathetically. “I know and I’m sorry. It’s fucked up for sure but you’ve got Rose and John and me, and some aliens that are decent, to get you through it. We’re gonna carry you through this shit-filled swamp, like goddamn GI Joes, just slinging you up over our jacked shoulders and wading through it. At your service, ma’am!” You salute and Jade looks up and giggles.

“Wait, Dave, are you okay?” She says, noticing your fogged-up shades.

You put on a smirk, “yeah, just some teen angst telenovela bullshit. Not even close to beating alien grandfather manslaughter.” She smiles. “I’m gonna head out ‘cause I did just puke all over myself. But keep this to yourself — I can’t have anyone knowing that I’m crying covered in my own barf.”

Jade’s smile finally reaches her eyes. There’s still a forlorn wetness to it, but she grins. “Wow! So cool!”

You offer her a stoic nod as you disappear from her room.

The lights are out and it’s pitch black darkness in your room. Your little chat with Jade helped to clear your mind but, as soon as you’re alone, your thoughts bounce back to Karkat sitting in the grass. You pull out your phone to check if he had messaged. There’s nothing. You don’t know why you thought there could be. You flick on the light.

Cal is here. He sits on your bed grinning at you. There’s nothing in his felt hands, no note from Bro summoning you. But he can’t be far if Cal is here now. The puppet’s plastic eyes are boring into you and it dawns on you, why he’s here. You kissed Karkat. Not only that, but you liked it. It was hot and you felt something. It wasn’t like kissing Jade. Cal’s here because he thinks you’re gay.

You can’t breathe. You can’t move. You sink down to the floor staring back at Cal — not challenging him, just watching. Waiting for Bro.

Chapter Text

Some mornings I pray for evening, / For the day to be done.

Some summer days I hide away / And wait for rain to come.

It turns out hell will not be found / Within the fires below,

But in making do and muddling through / When you've nowhere else to go.

x

The party, if you could call it that, ended like cotton candy dissolving in a puddle — though the humans would never understand that genius and, frankly, fucking beautiful metaphor. There was no huge fight in the rain or human flaysquad coming to break it up like in the human movies, it just fizzled out. Dave slipped out while everyone was distracted by Eridan’s midriff and, shortly after, Rose passed out. With three of four humans gone, John was too fucking lame to give the party any direction and everyone left one by one. You can’t help but feel disappointed that your first real party came to such a shitty and lackluster end.

You have no respite from Sollux’s pan-splitting screeching tonight; the alcohol has, if anything, only exacerbated his night-terrors and it’s not like you can watch your movies in the rumpusblock with Dave as usual. You can’t even bring yourself to message him. Instead, you’re watching some romcom about bitchy teenage human girls throwing each other under scuttlebuggies and proclaiming their royalty by wearing pink, with the sound muted and the captions on. It’s strangely comforting. If it were just a little more deadly, you could be convinced that North Shore High School was on Alternia.

The irrational, brainless, inscrutable thing is, you sort of miss Alternia. Even though it was under an insane dictatorship and you could have been killed at any moment, you understood it. You understood how that society functioned, around you yet completely separated from you. You understood the movie tropes and stories. You understood the people, no matter how much you hated them. And, worst of all, you understood romance.

You don’t get this bullshit Earth romance, where a guy can “snuugle” with a “friend” and it can be construed as concupiscent by everyone but you. Dave kissed you, grabbed a handful of your ass in front of everyone, and it was all for a dare. Is he doing this shit to get back at you for trolling his friends? It’s mental fucking torture.

And it fucking sucks.

x

But then I remember you,

And the way you shine like truth in all you do.

And if you remembered me,

You could save me from the way I tend to be.

x

You wake up with crusty ganderbulbs and Mean Girls 2 paused, only a third of the way through, on your husktop. (The reviews for the sequel were bad but you gave it a try. Not even you could make it through that trash-fire of a movie.) Instinctively, you reach for your palmhusk but there’s nothing from Dave. You aren’t surprised. He’s not as clingy and desperate as you are.

Your thinkpan is wailing from the lack of sleep and the soporifics. You haven’t even had the pleasure of memory lapse that Rose warned you about; you remember every stupid detail from last night: the soft patch of skin on Dave’s lower lip where he has a scar, the callouses on his hands, the unreadable deadpan look he flashed towards you as he ran away. It’s seared into your mind, just what you fucking deserve.

It’s quieter in Jade’s hive than usual. Everyone is still sleeping or, as you find when you transportalize to the rumpusblock, nursing their sore pans with coffee and silence. The only human in here is John, snoring away on a loungeplank. Equius and Nepeta are laid up in a pile of Rose’s knitted blankets, having a disgustingly public pale moment, while Feferi, Vriska, and Eridan are sat about the table in a quiet so awkward that it almost sounds like an alarm blaring: “THIS IS AWKWARD”. They look almost relieved when you grab a coffee and pull up a seat.

“Hey Crabcatch!” Feferi’s voice is so falsely sunny. Vriska shushes her fiercely.

You grumble some sort of “hey” back at her.

Thankfully, Feferi doesn’t try to spark any more conversation. She just smiles sheepishly when you look at her. You turn to Eridan and he avoids eye contact, and Vriska is glaring towards a window. It occurs to you that maybe you could have contracted human soporific induced memory lapse and that you may have done something vile last night to make everyone act like this. The anxiety prickles in your chest.

“What has got you idiots acting so weird? Why aren’t any of you driving me insane with your useless glubbing and blathering?”

Vriska transfers her glare to you and rolls her eyes. “God, Karkat, not everything’s about you.” That’s a bit rich coming from the attention-whore herself, you think. She lowers her voice, “John’s lusus is pissed. Lalonde said she’d clean up after last night and, of course, she forgot.”

“Oh fuck.” You’ve seen what Dave’s Bro did to him when he was pissed off. You know how all of your lusii were. Vriska and Feferi had the worst of it. John’s adult human dad is going to kill you. “Why are you all just sitting here? We should fucking scatter!”

Eridan mumbles, “that’s what I fuckin’ said but Fef wants to wait for John to tell us what to do.” He folds his arms, huffing. Clearly, they’ve had this debate.

You stand up. “Well, I’m not sitting around shitting myself like you pathetic wrigglers.” You stomp over to John’s sleeping body and shove him hard. “Hey, Egbert, wake up.”

John opens his bleary eyes with a garbled “wha?”

“Wake up! Your lu- your “dad” is awake,” you say, prodding at John as he stretches and yawns.

He sits up and blinks around. “Morning, guys!” He smiles around the room like an imbecile, taking in the anxious trolls and stray empty alcohol bottles. “Oh shit, did no one clean up last night?”

You throw your hands up in frustration. “Yes, John! We all pitched in and made a miraculous effort to keep Jade’s entire hive spotless. Your adult human lusus is awake and wants to congratulate us on a job well done!”

“Okay, okay, I get it. We need to clean up.” John stands up, adjusts his skewed glasses, and begins to head out of the room. You are only able to stop him by gripping on the back of his shirt.

“What do you mean? Is your pan so empty that you only hear an echo whenever anyone else speaks? Is there a single thought that doesn’t pass immediately through your ears without stopping for a moment to be considered?” You’re working yourself up to a complete and total shitfit now.

Feferi jumps up and cuts in, “I think what Karcrab means is your lusus is angry, John. What do we do in this seatuation?”

John glances back around with his eyebrows working overtime on trying to piece together what’s going on. Vriska is standing now, and even Nepeta and Equius are paying attention after the scene you caused. “Um, this must be a troll thing because I don’t understand what you’re asking?”

“Isn’t he going to eat you?” Vriska asks suddenly, less confident than you’ve ever seen her.

Feferi’s bracelets clack together as she leaps off her chair to join in. “Oar krill everyone here?”

“Whoa, what? No! Jeez, did troll parents, or, er, lusus — lusii? lususes? — do that type of thing?” John looks at everyone. You look at the floor. Sure, your lusus was a crabby asshole but he was better than most.

Feferi lets out a little, “glub.”

John blusters for a moment and then shrugs. “My dad won’t do any of that stuff, he’ll probably just tell me off and want to keep more of a strict eye on us. Human guardians don’t, like, hurt their kids or anything.” He looks at you, and, for once in his life, has an intelligent thought, “usually,” he adds.

Dave said, a few nights ago, that you’re basically a weird-looking human. Maybe he’s a weird-looking troll.

x

Some days I wake up dazed my dear, / And I don't know where I am.

I've been running now so long I'm scared / I've forgotten how to stand.

I stand alone in airport bars / And gather thoughts to think:

That if all I had was one long road / It could drive a man to drink.

x

The rest of the day is spent clearing up and mumbling sorrys whenever you pass John’s dad. He generally answers them with fatherly disappointment; somehow it hurts more than a strife. Eventually, others come and join the clean up effort. You pass a very ashamed Rose loading her mud-covered dress into a machine that you haven’t dared to use yet, and Sollux whose hunch is even worse than usual. At one point, you transportalize back to your respiteblock to find Jade and Tavros having a deep and tearful conversation — tearful on Tavros’ end; Jade seems as if she’s tearing him a new nook.

The only person you don’t see is Dave. He’s probably avoiding you after last night, which makes you irrationally angry. You want to rip into him, tell him that he needs to get over himself and figure out what the fuck he wants. You want to guilt him, let him feel remorse for mistreating a poor, lonely alien boy lost on a planet so far from home. You want to explain to him how badly this hurts, how you feel, how you felt last night, and ask if he felt the same way. Most of all, you want to kiss him again.

After a whole day of cleaning, you corner Jade at the sink, who looks better than you saw her earlier.

“Jade, have you seen Dave or is he shirking cleaning duty and making the rest of us pick up the slack?”

She puts down a sudsy glass and wrings out a towel. “Not since last night. He came to talk to me about,” she hesitates for a moment, “my grandpa, and then left. He did look kind of sad, now that you mention it.”

You feel a pit open up in your stomach. “Sad? Why?”

“Hmm, he didn’t really say. Just some teenage angst or something?” Jade begins to nibble on her bottom lip. “Are you worried about him? Did something happen?”

Something certainly fucking did. “Yes. No. I don’t know, okay?” You walk away before Jade can unpack any of that. She has these huge green eyes that, sort of, open your soul. It’s disgusting.

You can’t bring yourself to go to his room and find him, though. You figure something about the kiss has made him disappear. And there isn’t a way, that you can think of, to change that.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

CG: HEY

x

Because I've said I love you so many times that the words kind of die in my mouth.

And I meant it each time with each beautiful woman, but somehow it never works out.

You stood apart in my calloused heart, and you taught me, and here's what I learned: