Chapter Text
Alex had no idea what to do. Usually, he was anything but hesitant to tell someone his feelings, but John was different. He was being cautious this time. He partly blamed Eliza for this mindset. He reread her advice from Saturday night after the crew had hung out together.
Sent 1:02 am
Alex: So what’d you think of John?
Eliza: He’s really cool! Nice and smart.
Eliza: Also, your crush was showing. It’s adorable.
Sent 1:03 am
Alex: Is it that obvious?
Eliza: You were basically cuddling. You held hands.
Alex: Friends can do that too
Eliza: Right. Just bros being bros.
Sent 1:04 am
Alex: …
Alex: Okay he’s really attractive
Alex: I mean did you see his hair
Alex: and his eyes?!?
Alex: Those freckles. oh my god.
Alex: Also his voice is fucking hot. He could probably be a singer. Like, on Broadway.
Alex: And his freckles are adorable
Sent 1:05 am
Eliza: Called it.
Alex: Eliza help what do i do
Alex: How do I ask him out? When?
Sent 1:06 am
Eliza: Okay I know you love rushing into things but give it a little time
Eliza: He just moved, he’s been totally in the closet his whole life
Sent 1:07 am
Eliza: Just get to know him as a friend first. Be a little cautious this time.
Sent 1:08 am
Alex: I hate waiting
Eliza: Is this like a normal crush or a serious crush?
Alex: Not sure
Sent 1:09 am
Alex: Okay, it’s not exactly just normal. I like him a lot.
Eliza: Then you don’t want to screw it up and make him uncomfortable
Sent 1:11 am
Alex: I hate to say it
Alex: But you’re probably right
Eliza: Is this news
Alex: Nope
Sent 1:12 am
Eliza: okay I’m going to bed
Alex: Night
Sent 1:13 am
Alex: Thanks for being my impulse control
Eliza: Anytime <3
Sent 1:32 am
Alex: Did I mention his freckles?
Now Alex really didn’t know what to do. Had their pizza outing been a date? It had sure felt like a date. They had held hands and spent an hour just talking, and Alex had to stop himself from leaning forward and pressing his lips to John’s half a dozen times. If John had thought of it as a date, then Alex figured this was as good a time as any to tell him how he felt, but he wasn't sure.
He was still wallowing in self pity when he heard a knock and a voice at the door.
“Mon ami! C'est moi! ”
Alex smiled and got up to let Laf in. It wasn’t unusual for them to drop by unannounced at odd hours.
“Laf! It’s good to see you, I need something to do tonight,” said Alex, opening the door. “I finished my work early.”
Laf smiled, dropping their bag onto Alex’s couch and kicking snow off their boots.
“The weather is très horrible, ” they said. “It’s icy. We’re meant to get a full foot of snow tonight.”
“Yeah, I know. I went out earlier.”
Laf raised an eyebrow. “Oh? Where? And with whom?”
“Just across the street for dinner. With John.”
Laf plopped down onto the couch, their eyes widening. “On a date? Dis moi tout.”
“Well, not a real date,” Alex admitted. “I mean, neither of us said it was a date. But we were out for over an hour. We held hands. We talked a lot.”
Laf grinned at Alex. “So, when are you going to confess your undying love?”
“I’m not,” said Alex. “Not now.”
“Que?!? ”
“I don’t want to mess it up. I’m being careful.”
“Since when are you careful? You are the opposite of careful.”
Alex just glanced away, picking up a stray pen on the couch and fidgeting with it for something to do.
Laf’s expression softened. “This is more than a crush, isn’t it, mon cher? You’re worried because you really care about him.”
Alex shrugged, still not looking at his friend. Sometimes he hated how perceptive Laf could be; none of his feelings could stay private.
“Alex,” said Laf, “He shares your feelings. C'est évident.”
“I don’t know, Laf…”
“Have you asked Eliza? Or perhaps Angelica? I’m sure they would agree.”
“Eliza told me to take it slow and be careful. I talked to her on Saturday.”
“Saturday was before your date tonight.”
“It wasn’t a date, Laf. And everyone loves Eliza, she must know what she’s talking about.”
“I’m positive that after your date, her advice has changed.”
“But what if I-”
“Enough with that,” said Laf. “I’ve seen you fight with everyone from Angelica Schuyler to the president of Columbia University, all without hesitation. Tu peux parler à John Laurens.”
Alex thought about this, chewing the top of his pen.
“I’ll think about it.”
Laf sighed. They knew Alex wouldn’t budge, and even if he’d been convinced, he wouldn’t let it show.
“Maybe I’ll see John tomorrow,” said Alex, deep in thought. “He might not be going out if the snow keeps up.”
“Speaking of the weather, I should go before it gets worse,” said Laf, standing and shrugging on their coat. “Text me, yes?”
“I will,” said Alex. “Thanks for helping, I guess.”
“Of course. Bon chance, Alex.”
Alex watched the snow fall outside. He was freezing, even though his heat was turned way up. It was like just thinking of the snow outside made him cold. He set a kettle of water on the stove for tea before bed and was heading to the couch with a blanket and his laptop when he heard another knock at the door. It’s probably Laf, thought Alex, forgetting something as usual.
He was wrong; it wasn’t Laf standing outside, but John, wearing jeans and a grey aquarium sweatshirt with a dolphin on it. Alex was slightly taken aback to see him, but not at all upset.
“John! Come in!” he said, smiling and stepping aside.
John hesitated. “Hi. Um… Laf said I should come over?”
“They did?”
“Well, not exactly in those words, but it was implied.”
“What do you mean?”
John turned his phone over in his hands. “They said something about you not liking storms and they kept going on about how they wished they could stay and be a good friend but they really had to go, and I asked if I should invite you over and they told me I should just come over and check on you.”
Alex frantically tried to process this while looking calm. I’m going to kill Laf, thought Alex, springing John on me like this.
“Sorry, I know Laf probably meant, like, tomorrow, or later or something, but I just thought-”
“No, no, it’s fine!” said Alex quickly. He certainly didn’t want John to feel unwelcome. “You're always welcome to drop by. Do you want some tea? Or hot chocolate? This water should be hot by now.”
“Tea sounds really good,” said John, twisting a curl around his fingers.
Alex dropped tea bags in two steaming mugs and carried them to the couch, handing one to John.
“Blanket?” he asked, pulling it over him and offering the other half to John. He took it hesitantly and drank his tea in silence. Alex’s stomach was fluttering with nerves. This was the closest he and John had ever been while they were alone. He texted Laf, trying to figure out what was going on.
Sent 10:47 pm
Alex: Laf what the fuck
Alex: Why is John here?
Alex: I mean I’m not complaining but I was not prepared
Sent 10:48 pm
Laf: You weren’t going to do anything, I was just speeding up the process.
Laf: If it makes you feel better, Eliza and Angie both said I should do it
Sent 10:49 pm
Alex: If this blows up I’m sending your ass back to France
Laf: Is this a bad thing?
“So,” said John, breaking the comfortable silence, “You don’t like storms?”
“Well,” said Alex, “It’s more rain storms I don’t like. Snow on the ground is a pain, but it’s not like it’s awful.”
“What’s wrong with rain?”
Alex paused for a second before he told John. “I lived through a hurricane in the Caribbean. It was bad. There was flooding and people I knew drowned. People I cared about. I still get a little anxious in storms.”
Alex glanced up to see how John would react. He always delivered this information quickly and bluntly. He hated telling this story because of the inevitable pity, hated the ‘I’m sorry’s and the ‘Are you okay?’s and especially the ‘Wow, you’re so lucky you survived’. He wanted to win people over with his talent and determination, not his oh-so-tragic past.
He should’ve known John wouldn’t react in the ways he hated and was used to. He reached out and put a hand on Alex’s shoulder, rubbing it soothingly.
“Do you want to talk about it, or no?”
“Not now,” said Alex.
“Okay,” said John. “I know that’s probably not easy, so… anytime you need me, okay?”
“Thanks, John.” Alex remembered something that he’d wanted to ask John about. “And I know we talked about it earlier, but… what happened with your dad?”
John sighed. “Oh, you know, he’s your typical white southerner. Racist, sexist, homophobic, that whole deal.”
“And he… doesn’t like you?”
“That’s one way to put it,” said John. “He was pissed when I came out to him. Told me to get out. At least it got him to let me leave, though, he’d wanted me to stay in South Carolina until then.”
Alex frowned, setting down his mug. "What the fuck. How awful of a person do you have to be to disown your own son for something like that? I'm all for holding your beliefs but not when they're that idiotic, not when they hurt people and tell people how they should be living their personal lives. What kind of person looks at you and shrugs off everything good because of that one thing?"
Alex was a little surprised at how much he hated John's father, given that they'd never even met. He just couldn't see anyone hating John for something so trivial, and John was... John. He didn't deserve this hurt. He deserved nothing but love and understanding and his dad was everything but that.
"I know," said John, his voice quiet but full of anger. "It sucks." He set down his mug. "And I know he's wrong, and I know it's dumb, but it's still hard not to... to think about what he says sometimes. It was hard, growing up in that kind of environment."
Alex looked up at his friend and grabbed his hands. "John, listen. The last thing you need is validation from people like your dad. They don't know anything, and they're missing out by not having you in their lives. I’m always down to go beat up your dad for you.”
John grinned. “As long as I get to help.”
“Of course, John.”
They looked up at each other right then, falling silent as their eyes met. Alex’s stomach dropped as he registered how close they were and took in all of John, as if he were seeing him for the first time again. Alex was noticing every detail; every freckle, every shade in John’s eyes, every perfect feature of his beautiful face. John blushed and pulled a strand of hair around his fingers.
“Why are you doing that?” asked Alex, his voice falling quiet.
“Doing what?”
“Twisting a curl around. You always do it when you’re nervous.”
“I’m not nervous,” whispered John, dropping his hair and blushing even brighter. Their faces were inches apart now, and Alex could feel John’s breath. He reached out and tangled a hand in John’s curls, breathing in his pine-y scent.
“You were doing your nervous hair thing.”
“Okay, maybe I’m a little nervous.”
“Why, John?”
“I don’t want to mess anything up, Alexander.”
Just like everything with John, it felt so natural, at that moment, for Alex to close the space between them and press his lips to John’s. John sucked in a breath, seemingly surprised. It was short, lasting barely three seconds, but it was enough to fill Alex with something light and happy, enough to make him feel like he could just float up and nothing would ever be wrong again.
Alex pulled away slowly, keeping his eyes closed and leaning his forehead against John’s, waiting for him to react.
“Alex, did… what?” he heard John whisper, feeling his warm, tea-scented breath against his lips.
Alex laughed quietly, giddy happiness flooding through him.
“Alexander, wait. What did that… what did it mean?”
Alex locked his fingers together behind John’s neck and looked up at him, the man he’d finally, finally kissed after thinking about it for so long.
“It means I’m in love with you, John Laurens. It means I’ve had feelings for you since that goddamn elevator got stuck.”
John didn’t say anything, just closed his eyes. Alex suddenly wondered if maybe he’d moved too fast, said the wrong thing.
“But… but it doesn’t have to change anything,” he said quickly.
“No, Alex-”
“I’m sorry, John, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, I know you’re busy with work and settling in and-”
“Alex.”
“I know I just made your first friendship here weird and you probably-”
“ Alexander. ”
Alex trailed off, looking up at John.
"I'm in love with you, Alexander."
That had effectively shut Alex up, for once. John pulled Alex closer again, touching their foreheads together.
“Alex, it’s okay,” whispered John, a soft smile crossing his face. “You’re not a distraction, and I’m not sorry I met you, not by a long shot. You didn’t mess anything up, I promise.”
“So…” said Alex hesitantly.
John took a deep, nervous breath. “Alexander, I’ve never felt this strongly for anyone before. You’re… you’re smart and passionate and caring and…” he broke off, laughing a little. “Shit, I suck at words.”
“No,” whispered Alex through a smile, “It’s not you. It’s because there aren’t words.”
“Maybe we should stop trying, then.”
This time they leaned together, both expecting the kiss, both sure that the other wanted this. Alex couldn't possibly have imagined this – it was passionate and messy and sweet all at once, and all Alex could think about was how strong his feelings for John were. He was hyper-aware of himself and of John, feeling every one of John's breaths and savoring the exact feeling of his hands on his back and in his hair. Alex wanted to remember every feeling conveyed, both the ones said aloud and the unspoken ones.
When they finally broke apart, Alex tried to catch his breath, which was easier said than done, as John's hands were still trailing across Alex's waist and making him shiver.
"So," said John breathlessly, "Are we dating or something?"
Alex laughed. "I'd say yes, based on the last hour or so."
"Good," said John, cupping Alex's jaw in his hand and tracing a thumb over his cheeks. "That sounds perfect, Alexander."
Alex wasn’t sure how long it lasted, but eventually kissing and cuddling turned to sleeping. Alex woke up with his head on John’s chest and one of John’s hands tangled in his hair, his eyes closed and his chest rising and falling gently as he slept. Alex took a moment to look at John Laurens, the brilliant, beautiful man who had showed him so much kindness, and who, apparently, loved him back. Not only that, but they had spent the better part of last night making out.
Alex leaned his head back to John’s chest and closed his eyes.
I can get used to this, he thought.