Chapter Text
The tan line was still there.
Stede hated it. She knew it would fade over time, that her left ring finger would one day bear no mark of almost two decades of marriage, but looking at it just reminded her of all the time she had wasted.
Perhaps ‘wasted’ was a bit harsh. Stede loved her children, and she’d done her best, but admittedly she’d never felt particularly maternal. She was thankful that Martin was a better father than she was a mother, so their kids had at least one parent who wasn’t a complete fuck up. And it wasn’t like Martin had been a bad husband, even if he had cheated on her. That was what had kickstarted all of this after all, because when you found out your husband was having an affair and you felt nothing but relief, that was a glowing neon sign that the marriage was not worth staying in. And their kids weren’t even kids any more, both of them off at college, so that wasn’t much of a hurdle either. They hadn’t even sounded surprised to hear that their parents were getting a divorce. If anything, they’d seemed just as relieved about it as Stede had been.
And now here she was, divorce finalised, officially single. She had her own house now, since she’d let Martin keep theirs in the divorce. She’d never been attached to it anyway, and Martin had his whole art studio setup there so it just made more sense to let him keep it and buy her out. Stede had used the money to get herself a charming little cottage by the sea, just like she’d always wanted.
It was an idyllic life. She could spend long hours on the porch with a book in her lap and a cup of tea by her side, letting the salt breeze ruffle through the hair that escaped her sun hat. There was a weekly market in town, and once she was a bit more established then she wanted to grow her own fruit in the garden and make jams and preserves to sell there. It was nice. Calm, serene—
“Fucking boring.”
She’d been in the middle of showing Lu the embroidery she’d been working on when her former employee and now friend made the comment, and Stede clutched the hoop to her chest, insulted. “It’s fun! Sorry if I haven’t mastered the french knot to your standards yet, but—”
“Not the embroidery, Stede, fuck’s sake.” Lu groaned and kicked her feet up on the kitchen table, and Stede promptly shoved them back down on the floor. “Ok yes, the embroidery actually. And the jam plans, and the fucking cottage. It’s all boring! Christ, Stede, you’re living the life of a little old grandma in your forties.”
“What’s wrong with having a little peace and quiet?” She was starting to regret inviting Lu over now, and would rather get back to her solitude.
“Babe, you’re divorced, not dead. You should be out there celebrating your new single life and getting railed six ways to Sunday!”
Stede wanted to fire something scathing back at her, but really, she didn’t have a leg to stand on here. Lu knew too much, she had been there for the entirety of the divorce proceedings, and she knew what Stede’s true feelings really were. Fuck, there had been multiple nights where Stede had been wine drunk and complaining about how Martin hadn’t even touched her in years. And then she’d gone on a rant about how she hadn’t even wanted Martin to touch her actually, because she could take care of herself far better in that regard, but she also craved the touch of someone she felt passionately about, and that just wasn’t her ex-husband.
Lu had tried to help, despite complaining multiple times that she was no expert on ‘hetero stuff’ and had set Stede up on dating apps. And yet Stede hadn’t made a single match, finding something wrong with every single man on there, until she’d gotten fed up and asked to see what Lucius’ apps looked like. If she had to look at one more photo of a guy called Mark holding a fish he’d caught, then she was going to scream, and she’d needed a palate cleanse, so to speak.
She’d claimed it was just curiosity, wanting to see what the apps looked like when you were a woman seeking out another woman, like Lu was. She hadn’t expected it to awaken something in her, and yet she’d lost hours scrolling through Lu’s matches and potential matches while Lu dozed on the couch. It felt so different to scrolling through her own apps set to find a man, and by the time Lu woke up, Stede had come to the conclusion that the reason it felt wrong on her own apps was perhaps because it wasn’t a man she was looking for.
Apparently it was pretty common for a woman to come out of a long marriage and realise that another man was the last thing she wanted. It was natural for someone freshly divorced to want to experiment and Lu said she didn’t see why Stede shouldn’t either. It was an area she had far more expertise in after all, and she was more than happy to encourage and guide her as Stede explored something new.
What had followed were sleepless nights where Stede had lain alone in bed, staring up at her ceiling and questioning everything. Her life had pretty much been set out for her from childhood. Sent off to an all-girls boarding school to receive a prestigious education, where Stede had once accidentally stumbled upon two of her classmates kissing in a janitor’s closet. She remembered that she’d spent many sleepless nights back then too, pressing her fingers against her lips and wondering what it would be like for someone to kiss them. As she’d gotten older, she’d just put that down to typical teenage fantasies, dreaming of romance, and had never thought harder about the fact that when she’d daydreamed of being kissed, it was never by a boy.
Then she’d been introduced to Martin by their families when she’d been in college, and it had been pretty obvious they were being pushed together. He’d been nice, and it had just been the done thing amongst their social circle. They’d dated during college, gotten engaged after graduation, and they were married before the end of the year. Not long afterward, Stede had ended up pregnant with their first child, locking her into that life before she was twenty five.
Sex with Martin had been… fine. Awkward their first few times, definitely, and then after that it had just been ok. Boring, even. It felt like they were doing it because it was expected that they should be, as a married couple, but Stede had always gotten the sense that Martin was as disinterested in it as she was. Once she was pregnant, they didn’t have sex, and it took a long time after their first child was born to try for a second. Then, after that, they barely did anything at all.
And it wasn’t like Stede just wasn’t interested in sex. She had a libido, and urges, they just never applied to her husband. Once she’d figured out that Martin was never going to give her the passion that she craved, Stede had resorted to locking herself in the bathroom and taking care of herself with a monogrammed hand towel clenched between her teeth to muffle her cries as she made herself orgasm, since no one else was going to. And again, she’d just thought this was a normal thing. That sometimes husbands and wives had different libidos and weren’t all that sexually compatible, and that could happen, but Stede had used that as an excuse not to think about how all of the fantasies she conjured up in her own head to get herself off never involved men at all.
But it had only been fantasies, or at least that was what she’d told herself. Fantasising about women didn’t mean anything. Doing a double take when a gorgeous woman passed by her in the street was just appreciating beauty. Only being able to enjoy the rare occasions she and her husband fucked by closing her eyes and imagining soft breasts against her own and long fingers running through her hair didn’t mean— ok, that one she’d always had to ignore rather than rationalise.
The point was that Stede had never given much thought to any of those desires. It had felt like she wasn’t allowed to. But she was free and single now, there were no more expectations of who she had to be. And what if what she wanted was more than simply trying something new? What if being with another woman wasn’t just experimentation?
That thought was big and scary enough for her to put off all of Lu’s attempts to help, and it had apparently turned into a source of frustration for her friend.
“We’re going out.” Lu said, standing up and slapping her hands against the table.
“Right now?”
“It’s four in the afternoon, babe. No, we’re gonna go out tomorrow night. No more paddling in the shallows, Mama is throwing you in at the deep end.”
Stede wrinkled her nose at her friend almost two decades her junior calling herself ‘mama’, but pushed that aside to concentrate on what exactly Lu’s plans were. “And what, pray tell, is this deep end you speak of?”
Lu cupped Stede’s face between her hands and squeezed her cheeks. “I am taking you to your first gay bar, you sweet summer child.”
The gay bar in question was a place called Revenge, and after being given directions from Lu, Stede was waiting for her friend’s arrival outside. Stede should have known she would be late, she always was, and waiting alone outside was making her nervous.
The bar had a bunting draped above the doorway with every single pride flag that Stede knew (and some she didn’t), so there was no mistaking that it was a gay bar. She could hear the dull thump of music coming from inside, that got louder every time the door opened to let someone in or out. Every time Stede saw a new patron of the bar though, she felt more and more self conscious about how she was dressed. Truthfully, she hadn’t known what to wear at all, and Lu’s guidance had just been to wear something she felt sexy in. The problem was that Stede didn’t own anything that made her feel sexy.
In the end, she’d opted for a dress, since this was a night out and she felt like that meant she needed to wear something a little more glamorous. It was a little 1950s in style, with a halter neck tied in a bow and a full skirt that flared out when she spun around, although she’d gone without the frilly white petticoat underneath tonight. That was why she’d picked it in the end - while she didn’t necessarily feel sexy, it was fun to twirl in, and she’d decided that fun was the next best thing. The fact that it was baby blue was another reason she had chosen it, as it matched the only thing that was giving her any kind of confidence, hidden beneath.
She remembered when she’d bought the lingerie set. It had been years ago now, and she’d been on a shopping trip with the wives of some of Martin’s friends. Wives that she had very little in common with, but Stede wasn’t really someone who had a lot of friends, and she took what she could get. There had been a lot of giggling in the lingerie store as the other women held up different items and gushed about what their husbands would think, and Stede had drifted off from the pack when one set in particular had caught her eye.
Baby blue silk and lace, the fabric soft and slippery to the touch. She had traced her fingertips over the cups of the bra, admiring the detailing, the little gold charm dangling in the plunged centre. The set had a matching suspender belt, and in a moment of impulse, Stede had bought the lot and a pair of sheer stockings to go with it. Unfortunately one of the other wives had joined her at the counter as it was being wrapped and had playfully teased about how Martin was in for a treat when she got home. Stede had just fixed a smile on her face and hadn’t said a word about how her husband was the last person she’d had on her mind when buying it.
She’d bought that lingerie set for herself. Stede had never really found herself attractive or sexy, and she found her gaze often lingering on her stretch marks and wrinkles and sagging parts when she caught sight of herself in the mirror while getting dressed. But something about this set made her feel confident. Martin had never once laid eyes on it. She had only ever worn it alone, in front of the mirror, when she was having a bad day and needed a moment where she could feel even a little bit pretty.
This was the first time she had worn it out in public, and while it was hidden beneath her dress (except for the stockings), it was probably the only reason she hadn’t chickened out and run home yet.
The club music boomed out across the street again as the door opened, and Stede’s eyes glanced towards the club in interest, only to remain stuck on the woman who had just emerged. Stede didn’t think she’d ever seen another person so stunning in her life.
She looked like she was around Stede’s age, with long hair that had once been black except unlike Stede, who got her grey roots touched up every few weeks, this woman had let the greys go wild. Her hair was threaded through with silver, making her look like she’d been touched by starlight, and Stede was in awe. That wasn’t even where the admiration ended, because Stede couldn’t stop staring at the woman’s tattoos as she shrugged out of her one-armed black leather jacket and started rummaging through the pockets. Both of her arms were covered in a number of designs, and she also had a bird tattooed just above her cleavage, which was on ample display in her black cropped t-shirt. Smaller breasts than Stede’s own, and based on the shape of the piercings that Stede could see through the fabric, she’d gone without a bra tonight.
It was like the woman could sense that Stede was staring at her, because she suddenly looked over in her direction, once she’d fished a pack of cigarettes out of her jacket pocket.
Stede quickly snapped her head back around, and pretended to be looking out over the water. The club was practically on the beach anyway, just across the street, and Stede’s cheeks burned as she tried to make it look like her only concern was admiring the way the sun set over the crystal blue waves.
“Hey.”
The voice was smooth and smoky, and Stede knew who it belonged to before she even turned her head. The mystery woman stood there, a smile tugging up the corner of her mouth and jacket slung over her shoulder. Stede fought the urge to keep staring at her lips (it was already bad enough that this woman had probably caught her staring at her chest, for fuck’s sake) and instead Stede forced herself to meet her gaze.
Only to become immediately lost in the most beautiful eyes she had ever seen.
They took her breath away, those warm brown eyes smudged with black liner around them. They immediately made Stede feel safe, and that was weird. A pair of eyes shouldn’t make her feel safe, but they did, and Stede noticed the creases at the corners deepen as the woman’s smile widened and she lifted up a cigarette pinched between fingers painted with black polish. “You got a light?”
Stede had never smoked a day in her life, so there was absolutely no reason she would have a lighter on her, and yet she cursed herself mentally for not having the consideration to buy one to bring out with her tonight so she could offer it up to Aphrodite herself while on her knees.
“I’m so sorry.” Stede answered mournfully, because if a lighter was the only reason the woman had come over, then Stede not having one would make her leave. “I don’t.”
“No worries.” Rather than walk away, the woman tucked the cigarette behind her ear and kicked a leg up behind her to brace against the wall. “You waiting for someone?”
Startled that the woman was still talking to her, Stede stumbled over her words a bit. “My friend. I’m waiting for my friend. Who’s coming here, so we can go in there.” She pointed to the bar’s entrance.
“You’ve never been to a gay bar before, have you?”
Stede plucked at the hem of her skirt and sighed in defeat. “Is it that obvious?”
“Hey, it’s nothing to feel bad about. Everyone’s gotta have a first time, right?”
“Hmm.” Stede slumped against the wall next to her, but tucked her hands behind her back rather than copy the one foot against the wall move. She didn’t have the best coordination, so she’d probably lose her balance and topple over if she did that. “Most people don’t have their first time in their forties.”
“You’re here though, aren’t you?” The woman said kindly. “Takes guts at any age. Sure, it’s easier when you’re in your twenties and you’re full of youthful optimism and blind confidence, but that shit gets burned out of you as you get older. So from one old queer to another…”
The woman’s words had a slight upwards inflection at the end, and she paused with an eyebrow raised, waiting for confirmation that her assessment of Stede was correct. Stede was new to all of this, and hadn’t thought about defining herself in any particular way yet, but she found herself nodding.
The woman grinned. “Whether you make it through that door tonight or not, I’m proud of you.”
Pride, so easily given, and from one stranger to another, no less. It shouldn’t have meant much, yet it meant everything.
“Thank you.” Stede whispered, and the woman smiled even wider, teeth sparkling like diamonds.
“Any time.” She kicked off from the wall. “Actually, I should head back inside. I’m behind the bar tonight, just came out for a quick smoke.”
“Oh no!” Stede was immediately flustered and embarrassed again. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to take up your break time, I—”
“Hey, hey,” The woman laughed and her hand came to rest on Stede’s shoulder. It was warm against her bare skin, and Stede’s breath caught in her throat. It was only a light touch, and yet it felt like it was searing into her skin, leaving a mark behind like a brand. “Don’t worry about it. I choose how I spend my breaks, and I wanted to spend this one talking to the gorgeous blonde by herself.”
Stede’s brain didn’t even register the compliment at first. It was still short-circuiting from the hand on her shoulder, so rather than coming back with something cool and confident, she just blurted out, “I’m Stede.”
“Stede, huh?” The woman tilted her head. “Never heard that name before.”
She’d heard this plenty of times before, and always had the same explanation ready to go. “Old family name. Passed down for generations. My parents thought they were having a boy, so when I was born and the midwife told them I was a girl, they hadn’t picked out a name for one. And my father has always been stubborn, so…” She shrugged. “Stede.”
The hand finally left her shoulder, and Stede mourned the loss, but the woman stuck out her hand for her to shake instead. “I’m Ed. Edwina, if you want to get technical, but the last person to call me that lost a toe.”
She said it as a joke rather than a threat, so Stede laughed and took her hand. “I’ll keep that in mind. Ed it is.”
“Nice to meet you, Stede.” She let go of her hand and looked over her shoulder. “I really do need to get back, but I hope I see you in there tonight.”
“Yes.” Stede gave Ed a little wave as she started to walk off, taking the first few steps backwards. “I hope so too.”
She couldn’t help but watch Ed leave as she turned around and headed for the door. The way her tight leather pants hugged her ass made watching her walk away more bearable, and Stede got caught staring again when Ed paused at the door to give her a wave. This time accompanied with a wink before she tugged the door open and disappeared back inside the bar.
Stede waited, rooted to the spot where Ed had left her. She could have looked back out to sea, but she found that she couldn’t take her eyes off the door that Ed had disappeared through, hope springing into her chest every time it opened and someone came out. She rested her fingertips against her shoulder, over the spot where Ed’s hand had been, and imagined she could still feel that phantom touch.
When Lu arrived, half an hour after their agreed upon meeting time, Stede was still touching the same spot and smiling softly to herself.
“Sorry I’m so late.” Lu said, not sounding particularly apologetic as she adjusted the tinsel jacket she was wearing. “How are you feeling? Brave? Ready to dive in at the deep end?”
Stede squeezed her own shoulder and looked up at the flags above the bar’s entrance again, fixating on the orange, pink and white one fluttering in the sea breeze. “I’m ready.”