Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Oh I'm gonna love you now, like it's all I have

x

What’s in the Stars

Lora Alenko throws on a robe and fumbles for a pair of slippers, only managing to find the left one. She curses under her breath. Her head has been on the pillow for maybe three hours. Thirty years ago she would have shrugged it off with only some mild griping, but these days she’s rather partial to a good night’s sleep.

When she flips the light on Marc stirs, grumbles, and pulls the sheets tighter over his head.

“On your feet, soldier.” This morning is going to require coffee. Lots of it.

“You’re a poor imitation of a drill instructor,” Marc mumbles into his pillow.

She walks over and yanks the sheets off of him. “Wanna test that?”

He growls and swipes at her with his hand, but she’s already out of reach.

“Time to get up.”

“Why did we do this,” he complains.

“Because we’re parents,” she says, finally finding the missing slipper.

“Is it too late to return him?”

“By about thirty years, yes.”

He’s still figuring out how to get out of bed when she slips out of the bedroom and heads for the kitchen to turn on the coffee pot. She’s halfway through the living room when she freezes at the sound of voices out on the balcony.

Through the window she can see the top of Kaidan and Sam’s heads. They’re sitting in her old reading lounge, watching the rain. Shepard says something and Kaidan laughs, that pure, free sound she used to hear so often when he was a kid. The laugh that would make even the worst away mission feel like a good day. In the middle of it, Shepard catches him by the chin and kisses him.

Her eyes widen. Oh. Oh.

As silent as she can manage, she pivots on her heel and slips back into the bedroom, shutting the door behind her.

They’ll get coffee on the way.

~

Rain.

Tali steps outside onto a balcony that edges the length of the atrium where she and Joker have been having breakfast each morning. The rain comes down hard, thick, creating a veil opaque enough to hide the skyline of the city behind it. It hits the ground with a roar that drowns out most any other sound. It’s oddly…peaceful.

She has never been on one planet for so long. Never just…lived in a city the way she has for the past four days. It’s not like the Citadel with its controlled climate and artificial sun. Not like an away mission. There is no shotgun holstered on her back, no ECM grenades at her hip. No enemy transponder pings on her HUD.

She leans out over the balcony and turns her face to the sky, grinning as the rain pelts her faceplate, distorting the grey clouds above her with thick reams of cascading water.

Is this what it would be like? she wonders. To have a home? To wander freely under the sky, dodging raindrops, watching the sun rise and set?

To Tali, home has never been a fixed point. It’s always been something she takes with her, not something she leaves behind.

She stretches her hand out from under the overhang protecting the balcony, wondering what it would feel like on her skin. For how hard it looks coming down, it’s surprisingly light against the palm of her suit.

There is something romantic about the rain. Just…not in the way she had imagined.

Joker comes to join her, watching her with a quirk to his lip that is more friendly than amused. “So you got your rainstorm,” he says, leaning a crutch against the railing. “Sorry it came too late to help out our favorite Forbidden Ops duo.”

She straightens back up, wiping the water from her faceplate. “I suppose it was silly. They’re just stories.”

“Good stories,” Joker admits. “And not as silly as you think. Wanting our friends to be happy just makes us good…friends, I guess.”

“Us? When did you and I become a team on this?” Tali says, nudging him with an elbow.

“We’ve always been a team, Tali,” Joker replies.

They watch the rain fall.

“Apparently the Alliance agreed we’re heroes and aren’t going to throw us to the wolves,” Joker says.

“That’s good news!” Tali exclaims.

“Yeah, except now I gotta go be a pincushion for a hero medal before we can go home. Wanna come?” Joker grabs his crutch.

“Yes,” she says, turning back towards the atrium. Medal ceremony. Then back to the Normandy.

Back home.

~

It’s been a long time since Lora Alenko walked through Command. She tried to do it as sparingly as possible when Marc was active duty. The uniforms, the discipline, the saluting is all rather…much to deal with. But she’s more than glad to put up with it today. She hadn’t seen Kaidan graduate from the academy. There wasn’t a way to get to Arcturus for any of his promotion ceremonies. This is the only milestone she’s been able to take part in since his sixteenth birthday. She’ll stomach a little Alliance propriety for that.

The auditorium for the ceremony is larger than she expects, and thrums with activity. So much about the inquest was kept under wraps, but now that it’s over, the Alliance is going to take every advantage they can find to market humanity’s heroes.

Her son is one of those heroes.

It’s both thrilling and terrifying.

She takes her seat, reserved with her name and everything, while Marc makes the rounds greeting old friends and colleagues, taking every opportunity to talk about Kaidan. She even spies a few petty handshakes. He’d never liked Captain Edelstein, now Rear Admiral Edelstein, but Edelstein’s kid is a second lieutenant behind a desk in Rio.

Lora may not love the Alliance, but seeing her emotionally conservative husband actually beaming with pride is a sight to behold.

Kaidan does his own hand shaking at the front of the room. Every member of his crew looks relieved, like a weight has been lifted from their shoulders. Shepard had received word on the way over that they’d been cleared to return to the ship. No disciplinary action.

Of course, she likes to think that there are other reasons that Kaidan looks so happy this morning.

“What do you look so pleased about?” Marc asks her in a low voice as he slips into the seat next to her.

She finds his hand and holds it tight. “I think I helped Kaidan fix something.”

A wary look passes across his face. “I thought you said you were going to try to rein in the fixing.”

She gazes towards the front of the auditorium. All she can see is the top of their heads, easy to spot beside the purple cowl of Tali’s helmet and Liara’s unmistakable blue fringe. The only evidence of what she’d seen on the balcony is Kaidan’s hair. Normally so immaculately kept, this morning it looks decidedly…mussed. Like someone who’d been out in the rain and had other things on his mind besides taming it for a medal ceremony.

She smiles. “Yes, I know. But this time…I think I got it right.”

~

As the ceremony ends, Tali is one of the first to shake Kaidan’s hand, in true human fashion. She’s happy the Alliance is recognizing him, of course, but she has an ulterior motive.

“Your hair looks different this morning,” she says.

His skin color changes, reddening a little. He runs self-conscious fingers through it. “Yeah, got a little wet. Didn’t have time to fix it.”

“Out in the rain?” she prods.

“Yeah,” he says, cautiously.

Behind her faceplate, he cannot see her smile.

~

The skybridge leading to the docking bay is made almost entirely of glass, affording Liara a narrow but lovely view of the bay as she heads towards the Normandy.

She never imagined a ship would feel like home. But it does. Though when she catches sight of Shepard leaning on the railing, gazing at the Normandy’s name just above the tiger stripes on the hull, she wonders if there is something to his notion that home isn’t a place.

The truth is, she has never really belonged anywhere. As a child she had always felt smothered on Thessia. While she never imagined it would not be home, she does not yearn for it. And as she had grown older, she had never found roots elsewhere. Dig sites are temporary. Lonely. The faces – when there are any – change.

But then Shepard showed up on Therum.

She has not discussed with him what she might do now that matters are settling. What place there might still be for her here. It is not a conversation she has been looking forward to having. Should her presence on the Normandy no longer be required, where would she go? In the wake of all they have discovered, her love of the protheans has lost some of its luster. There is still much to learn, certainly, but she is not sure she still has the heart to drive those discoveries.

So much has changed. And…she does not want to leave.

“You look deep in thought,” she says, coming to stand beside him.

He huffs. “Been an interesting morning.”

“There is much formality at human ceremonies,” Liara says. “My people would be impressed.”

He toys with his fingers and nods towards the Normandy. “At least it’s over, I guess. Looking forward to going home?”

She draws in a deep breath. “About that.”

He dips his chin, lips pressing into a thin line. “Liara, if you want to leave, I understand. You, even more than Tali, Wrex or Garrus, never signed up for this in the first place. Just tell me where you want to go…and I’ll take you.”

“Shepard…I would prefer to stay.”

He turns to her, surprise etched on his features.

“I simply do not know what I have to offer you in return.”

“Liara, if all you had to offer was your company and wisdom, we’d be lucky to have you.” He raises an eyebrow. “But we both know you’re worth a lot more than that.”

She ducks her head.

“Besides, if you left, you’d be missing your best chance to say I told you so.”

She frowns. “Sorry…I do not follow. Why would I say that?”

He looks back down at his hands. “Because you were right. About…everything.”

Oh, she thinks. Goddess. Could Tali have been right about the rain?

“Ah,” she says. “Then I presume you were not exaggerating when you said it has been an interesting morning.”

A smile spreads across his face. A good smile. One she does not often see…except around Kaidan. “No. I wasn’t.”

“Shepard…I am very happy for you. For both of you.”

“Thank you. It’s been a long time coming. Apparently.”

She smiles.

“You could have, you know. Just hit me over the head with how I felt about him. Instead of trusting me to figure it out sometime before dying of old age.”

“Oh really?” she says with amusement. “Blunt force trauma is not really my preferred method of discovery, and quite frankly, your skull is thicker than a krogan’s. I do not believe a direct approach would have been any more useful.”

“Maybe not,” he says, smiling even wider.

“Where is he now?”

“Saying goodbye to his parents.”

She nods. “Then I am sure that you, more than anyone, will be happy to be home.”

He pushes away from the railing. “My home is more than just him. You’re part of it, too. Liara. There’s always a place for you. If you want it.”

“I do,” she says, waiting for him to turn towards the ship before wiping the corner of her eye.

“Well, then,” he says over his shoulder. “Double time it, Dr. T’Soni.”

“Aye, sir,” she replies, and then follows him through the airlock.

~

Kaidan takes a sip from his coffee cup, watching his father greet another acquaintance who’d spied him in the café where they’re attempting to eat an extremely late breakfast. His mother hides a furtive smile behind a bagel.

“Told you we should have found a more solitary spot,” she says under her breath. “They’ll be lining up before long. You and I might as well be here by ourselves.”

Kaidan chuckles. “Dad’s got close to fifty years’ worth of friends hanging around this place. Not sure there’s a place we could hide him.”

“He likes it anyway,” she says. “Gives him a chance to boast about you.”

Kaidan rubs the back of his neck. It’s true that he’s shaken a lot of hands in the last half hour.

“He’s very proud of you. We both are.”

“Thank you,” Kaidan says.

“Hope you at least got some rest while you were here. Looks like you were up awfully early this morning.” She raises an eyebrow.

Kaidan stutters. “Uh. Yes. Hope we didn’t…wake you.”

She smiles widely and takes another sip of her coffee. “Not at all. Just glad you were able to steal a few minutes for yourselves.”

Kaidan focuses very intently on what’s left of his muffin. “Yeah. It was…nice. Thank you for everything you did this week. It meant a lot.”

She leans back in her chair, looking oddly satisfied. “Glad we could help.”

His father bids the latest well-wisher goodbye and turns back to his family. “Sorry about that. Glad the Alliance came to their senses. Treated you like a damn hero the way you deserve, and didn’t let the inquest change the status quo.”

Kaidan coughs, but manages to set his coffee cup down without spilling it – barely. “Yeah. Our records are going to remain clear. Time to resume active duty.”

“We’re going to miss you,” his mother says. “We’ll miss you both. The house will be so quiet.”

“We’ll be back,” Kaidan says. He doesn’t make a prediction. The galaxy is a big place, and there’s no telling how long it will take to circle back to Sol.

They take their time finishing their coffee. Chat over empty plates. Now that the time to say goodbye is here, he’s more reluctant to do it than he expects.

His parents walk with him towards the docking bay. When the hull of the Normandy comes into view through the glass panels of the skybridge, he stops for just a moment to take it in. Old ritual. Usually something he reserves for the first time on a new ship. But while the Normandy itself is familiar, something very new will be waiting when he boards.

“Glad to be going home?” his father asks.

The question takes him off guard. Home is supposed to be Vancouver, but it’s not, is it? Not anymore. He has roots here, grew up here. But home is through that airlock.

“I—”

His father smiles. “You don’t have to explain.”

“Thanks, Dad.”

His mother hugs him. “I’m glad you’re happy,” she whispers in his ear. He gives her a curious look, but she just smiles and pats his cheek. Before he can ask her about it, his father gives him a quick embrace, followed by a salute that Kaidan returns.

“I have to go,” Kaidan says.

His father stops him. “You’ve got important work to do out there. It’s not going to be easy. Just know…you have a place to land here if you need it.”

Kaidan nods, swallowing over the lump in his throat. “Love you both.”

“Love you, too. Stay safe.”

~

Joker readjusts the pilot’s chair to erase all signs of the technician who’d dared sit in his seat, then settles back and heaves a sigh of relief, running his hands across the cockpit dash.

It won’t be long before the rest of the crew is back on board and the old girl feels like she’s really up and running again. He’s ready to exchange grass and sky for a maw of endless black and a few stars. Call him a sucker, but there’s no place he’d rather be than right fucking here. The last hour or two of waiting before they’re cleared for departure is going to be the longest part of the week.

Tali flops into the co-pilot seat, datapad in hand.

“You know Chase’s gonna need that chair when we take off,” Joker tells her.

“You’ve got about two hours of pre-flight checks before that happens,” she informs him, and puts her feet up on the console. “Besides, I started book five, and thought you might want in on it.”

“Thought your ill-timed rainstorm might have dampened some of your enthusiasm for Forbidden Ops.” Joker waggles his eyebrows. “See what I did there? That was a pun. Dampened. Get it?”

“Very funny,” she assures him. “And what makes you think the rainstorm let me down?”

“Wait,” Joker says, instantly suspicious. “You say that like you know something.”

“Did you see Kaidan’s hair this morning?”

“So what?”

“He was out in the rain.”

He makes a face. “And how do you know what water does to hair?”

“A few carefully worded questions and some well-timed blushing.”

“No fucking way.” Joker leans over the side of his chair towards her. But before he can demand the details, the airlock bleeps. When the cycle completes, Kaidan comes aboard. Tali and Joker both stare as he sticks his head in the cockpit to greet them.

“Nice hair,” Joker says. “Get caught in the rain?”

Kaidan gestures out the shutters. “It is in fact raining.”

“Yeah, but you’re way too prepared to not be prepared for that. I’m guessing something a little…spontaneous happened.”

“I feel like you’re insinuating something,” Kaidan replies.

“I’m usually insinuating something. What do you think I’m insinuating?”

Kaidan’s eyes flick from Joker to Tali. He says nothing before turning his back to head down the CIC walkway.

“Shepard’s in the CIC,” Joker calls after him. Kaidan breaks stride for half a second before resuming without turning around. “Holy shit you’re right,” Joker says when he’s out of earshot.

“Told you.”

“Tali, you were right.”

He raises a fist. She bumps it with hers.

“Ok,” he says. “Now, about the next book.”

~

Kaidan does find Shepard in the CIC, talking to Dubyanski and Pakti, who always seem to move as a pair. As Kaidan recalls, they’d been planning to spend their days on Earth visiting Pakti’s mother in Mumbai. He hides a smile, wondering if one day they’ll find out Pakti’s mother had drawn the wrong conclusion about that visit. If the conclusion had really been wrong in the first place.

Aside from them the CIC is still empty, the consoles down the hallway unmanned. In a couple of hours the place will be humming, boots rattling the deckplates over the sounds of idle chatter.

He waits until Shepard catches his eye. The way his face comes to life when he finally does turns an entire flock of butterflies loose in Kaidan’s stomach. Shepard excuses himself from Dubyanski and Pakti, signals Kaidan and nods towards the conference room. Kaidan raises an eyebrow, but follows him in. Once the door closes behind them, Kaidan crosses his arms over his chest. “Shepard, not sure what your game is here, but this hardly seems like—”

“Get your head out of the gutter, Lieutenant,” Shepard says with an affectionate smile, attention on the control panel. “Before you can get in my pants there’s something you need to do. But when you’re done…come find me.”

As the screen flickers to life Shepard heads for the door, briefly touching Kaidan’s shoulder before exiting. Kaidan looks back at the vid screen in bewilderment until a familiar face materializes on the screen.

“Kara,” he says, eyes widening.

Her face lights up.

“Kaidan fuckin’ Alenko, as I live and breathe.”

He chuckles, not prepared for how relieved he is to see and hear her in real time. “It’s good to see you.”

“Do you wear anything other than a dress uniform these days?”

Kaidan looks down at his dress blues and wrinkles his nose. “Necessary evil today. They added some extra hardware to it.”

“Big fancy heroes,” she says with a nod. “You saved a lot of people.”

“Not enough.”

She lets the comment hang, neither agreeing nor disagreeing. Maybe to spare his feelings, maybe because she understands that saying otherwise doesn’t help anything.

“I thought you were dead,” she says. “Kept seeing vid clips of Shepard, but not you. Thought maybe the Citadel fell on you.”

“Kinda did,” Kaidan admits. “It was…ugly. But believe it or not, Shepard took the worst of it.”

“No surprise. Asshole gets too excited about whatever’s in front of his shotgun to watch his flank.”

“That shotgun probably saved us all,” Kaidan says, shuddering at the memory of the eerie blue light finally fading from Saren’s eyes for good.

“Shepard saving the day with a shotgun is about as surprising as Beaudoin drinking a paloma.”

Kaidan’s mouth twists in a wistful smile. Pendergrass’s eyes glisten, and she looks away from the screen.

“I’m sorry I didn’t call before now,” Kaidan says.

“Yeah, well. Killer robots and all.”

“Turns out Stabby was good practice.”

A smile threatens her face, and a laugh escapes before she can stop it. “Told ya she was a valuable member of the crew.”

Kaidan smiles at the memory of Kara’s beloved bot, who had run around the ‘Yang with a holo-blade that would duel with crewmember’s ankles.

“She still kickin’?”

“My team at R&D don’t appreciate her the way the ‘Yang did, so she spends a lot of time in my footlocker.” Her voice wavers a little. “You and Beaudoin helped me put a safety on the blade that still made it fun but saved me from getting’ wrung up on assault charges, remember?”

“You didn’t need our help.”

“No. But that wasn’t the point, was it?”

Kaidan shakes his head. Before Beaudoin, she wouldn’t have understood that.

She hugs herself again, much like she had in her original message. “I miss him. So fucking much.”

“They were our family, Kara. It’s okay to grieve.”

She sniffles and wipes her nose.

“Do you remember Oseguera’s parties?” he asks.

Her mouth curves in a smile. “With tamales from the tamale box! And her guitar. Fuck, she could sing.”

“Truth be told, I think she sang mostly because she got a kick out of watching Beaudoin dance.”

“Oh you’re damn right.” She starts to laugh. “Do you remember the time he grabbed Shepard in front of everyone, made him a dance partner?”

Kaidan grins. “Yeah. He was in an awful mood that day, and Beaudoin wasn’t having it.”

“I thought Shepard was gonna put him on the fuckin’ floor.”

“Instead he actually danced,” Kaidan says, laughing. “And it was terrible. Everyone loved it.”

“Aslany laughed so hard beer came out her nose.”

“That was a good day,” Kaidan says softly. “We had a lot of good days, didn’t we?”

“Yeah,” she says, smile fading. She looks down and exhales. “Squad’s family. Beaudoin always said that. I can’t…shake the feeling we should have been there for them. Done something. I don’t even know what. But they always had our backs. And in the end…we didn’t have theirs.”

Kaidan swallows. That’s something he’ll live with the rest of his life in ways she’ll never know. “It’s gonna hurt, Kara,” he says gently. “Only way to get through is to let it.”

“You any good at that part?” she asks.

“Not really,” he confesses.

“That…actually makes me feel a little better.”

“At least that makes one of us.”

“I’m just glad you’re okay. Shepard, too. He is okay, right? Sometimes it’s hard to fuckin’ tell.”

“Yeah,” Kaidan says. “He’s ok. As much as he usually is.”

Her expression turns solemn. “Should I be scared? About…whatever happened. Whatever’s out there.”

Kaidan hesitates only for a moment before nodding. “Yeah. I know I am. But Shepard’s on it. We’ll figure it out.”

“Shepard’s never found a problem he can’t solve. Except coffee. Going for coffee in the morning and finding his shit take in the pot is something I don't miss, and you can tell him I said it.”

Kaidan laughs. “Yeah, that hasn’t changed, either. Our pilot wakes up early to try and get to it before he does, but Shepard figured out his game. Guess who won that standoff.”

“Let him have his motor oil. Guess he’s earned it. Seems like in the end we’re all a lot safer if he’s around.” She shifts her feet. “You’ll watch his flank, won’t you?”

He nods slowly. “Always.”

For the job they have in front of them, he’ll just have to hope it’s enough.

~

After leaving the comm room, Kaidan gets stopped by the requisitions officer to go over the new cargo manifest and get approvals before they can depart. By the time he’s done, Dubyanski and Pakti have both been waiting half an hour for his help getting back into the mainframe. Apparently the Alliance technicians accidentally overwrote the access codes, and only he, Shepard and Pressly have the authority to override and create new ones.

He spots Shepard once, deep in conversation with Pressly near the galaxy map in the CIC. Shepard stares at a datapad, brow furrowed deep as Pressly gruffs about something Kaidan can’t make out. But as Kaidan passes by to get to the bridge, a few choice words on his tongue for the repair team, Shepard catches his eye. The creases in his forehead soften, corner of his mouth turning up in a smile. Then it’s gone, and there’s no trace of the Shepard who’d been nestled in his arms just a few hours ago.

The two hours that he’d hoped to steal before departure disappear in the blink of an eye, and then it’s back to the stars.

~

Tali stands behind Joker’s seat in the cockpit as the atmosphere bleeds away outside the shutters, clouds dissolving into the vastness of space.

If you really stop to think about the empty spaces between the stars, you’d go a little mad. Tali prefers to think about how lucky she is to traverse them with people she cares about. And know that on the other side of some of those spaces, someone will be there to greet her. Her father and Raan in the Flotilla. Garrus on the Citadel. Wrex on Tuchanka. The galaxy isn’t so empty as long as you know where to look.

Addison Chase leans back in the seat Tali had occupied until Joker had kicked her out so his co-pilot could run her systems checks. There was a time when Joker and Chase had liked each other about as much as a varren likes a pyjack, but since the Battle of the Citadel they’ve been on better terms. From what Tali had heard through Grenado, Chase had done a hell of a job coordinating with Adams to keep them afloat under fire. Maybe Joker’s overprotectiveness when it comes to the Normandy is finally easing a little.

Joker and Chase discuss the jump data for Charon while Tali gazes at the stars. She doesn’t usually hang around for relay jumps, but after four days down a gravity well she’s missed the comfort of space more than she’d expected.

Shepard joins them, too, to her surprise. He leans against a bulkhead, posture relaxed, expression…pensive, perhaps. So hard to tell.

“Thought you might be occupied,” she says slyly.

Shepard’s posture quickly becomes less relaxed, eyebrow raising, stance straightening before he settles back into it and shrugs. “Missed the stars.”

More than anyone on this ship, except for maybe Joker, Shepard probably understands her attachment to ships.

“Where are we headed?” she asks.

“Terminus systems.” He grins at her. “Patrolling for geth. Seems tame compared to what we just did, but it’s up your alley at least.”

“It’s bullshit,” Joker says over his shoulder. “They’re sending us to the middle of nowhere. It’s their way of punishing us without actually punishing us.”

“Dunno,” Shepard says. “A little break in the action might not be so bad.”

“Yeah, well after you’ve been digging up minerals in the Mako for a week you come back and tell me if you still believe that.”

A smile plays at the edge of Shepard’s lips. Tali gets the feeling Shepard knows exactly what he’d like to do with some downtime.

Joker starts their approach to the relay.

“What do you think is out there in those stars?” Tali asks. “What’s our next adventure going to be?”

Outside the shutters, the relay rings spin, picking up speed as a massive field of dark energy pulses and grows, lashing out like lightning to snare the ship. The stars shiver violently under the blue trellis of dark energy before reforming into an entirely new set of constellations.

“Guess we’ll find out,” Shepard replies.

~

It’s not their usual poker night, but everyone winds up in the mess anyway. No one really calls for a game, in the same way no one actually knows what time it is. It’s past midnight ship time, but barely dinner time for everyone who’d been in Vancouver. Considering the crew had been scattered among half a dozen different time zones on Earth, no one’s sure when they’re supposed to feel tired. Or hungry. Or report for duty.

Tali winds up sitting in the mess mostly because she’s not sure what else to do, and the next thing she knows the usual group is there. Eventually a deck of cards just shows up. Kaidan, Joker, Pressly, Adams, Shepard, Dr. Chakwas. Even Liara, who only occasionally joins them, plays a few hands.

Kaidan and Liara get everyone another round of drinks as Dr. Chakwas deals the next hand. She’s been scolding Shepard for three straight games after she caught him limping to the galley for a refill.

“Gin,” Kaidan tells Liara, showing her the bottle. The liquor selection has improved tremendously since being docked on Earth. “And vermouth. Don’t have a martini glass, so you’ll have to make do with a tumbler.”

“What about the olive?” Liara asks.

Kaidan opens a jar, spears one of the weird green fruits on a small stick and hands it to her. She beams and carries one martini for herself and one for Dr. Chakwas to the table. Kaidan brings a beer for himself, Joker, and Adams, a shot of whiskey for Shepard. Pressly wrinkles his nose at the whiskey and gets himself a brandy, but has to make a return trip to the galley for a second one when Chakwas raises an eyebrow.

Tali has learned over the last several months that Dr. Chakwas can outdrink everyone at the table.

She herself sips at a turian brandy that Garrus left on board as Kaidan sits back down in his chair – the one next to Shepard. Their fingers brush, deliberately accidental.

Pressly laughs as Joker regales them with stories of his testimony before the Alliance. Tali doesn’t remember half the things he insists he said, and Pressly clearly doesn’t believe him, but still quirks a smile as he looks at his cards. The surly navigator would never admit it, but Tali is certain he is proud of their helmsman.

Adams grouses about the well-intentioned but ill-executed attempts of the Alliance engineering team who’d recalibrated the drive core as part of their repairs and retrofits. Tali chimes in – they have an entire days’ worth of diagnostics to run tomorrow.

Dr. Chakwas tells them about her friends in Buenos Aires and a trip to Iguazu Falls. Tali wants to hear everything about the waterfall, while Joker is far more interested in her offhand comment about a run in with a group of mercenaries. Her response is to smooth back a loose strand of silver hair and politely inform him that a lady never kisses and tells. Joker almost falls out of his chair.

Adams asks about the gala. Kaidan and Shepard exchange glances. Liara takes a deliberate sip of her martini. Joker snorts into the back of his hand.

“The dresses,” Tali says with a sigh. “The dresses were beautiful.”

“How did it feel to be planet side, Commander?” Pressly asks. “Guessing you don’t get down the well much.”

Shepard shakes his head, whiskey in hand. “No. Not really. Handful of times, mostly for training. Kind of nice to see a few sights this time.”

“Enjoy anything in particular?”

Shepard tilts his chin, thoughtful. “The rain,” he says at last. “Never had the chance to just…watch it rain before.”

Kaidan smiles into his cards.

Joker raises his beer. “Here’s to stealing ships, saving the galaxy and getting away with it. And also not having to so much as look at my dress uniform for what is hopefully a really long time.”

Everyone at the table raises their drinks in agreement.

Too bad, Tali thinks. She kind of likes the dress uniforms.

As the game winds down, Shepard is the first to say goodnight. Eventually it’s just Joker, Tali and Kaidan at the table. Kaidan drums his fingers, trying not to look at Shepard’s door.

“Kaidan,” Tali says. “Earlier Shepard mentioned the new armor mods we picked up. There was something about the shipping manifest that didn’t look right. He meant to ask you about it. Did he say anything to you?”

“No,” Kaidan asks with a frown.

“Hmm, better go ask him then,” Joker says, gathering the cards together to stuff them back in their box. “You know, knock on his door.”

Kaidan looks back and forth between them both, as though weighing whether or not to come up with a denial or just accept the help they’re offering. Eventually he picks the latter.

“Yeah. I’ll go ask him. Thanks.”

He squares his shoulders and heads toward Shepard’s quarters.

“That’s my girl,” Joker tells her when Kaidan is out of earshot.

“We make a good team,” she replies, then helps him finish cleaning up.

~

Kaidan’s hand hovers over the chime to Shepard’s door. Two weeks ago he’d stood in this same place, trying and failing to find the courage to knock.

Not this time.

The door slides open, but Shepard’s not standing on the other side like he expects. Instead Kaidan finds him slouched in the chair at his desk, one leg propped awkwardly in front of him, scrolling through a datapad. At the sight of Kaidan his stoic expression softens into a smile.

He puts down the datapad. “Hey, you.”

Maybe it’s the way he says it. Maybe it’s that he says it at all. Either way, warmth floods his core.

“Hey,” he says, wondering if it shows in his face. The way Shepard’s smile deepens, he figures it does. “Hope Dr. Chakwas didn’t rake you over the coals too hard. She’s gonna do everything in her power to get her hands on you in the morning.”

“Rather you get your hands on me first,” Shepard says. He starts to get up, but Kaidan’s already there, their biotic fields intersecting with a sharp hum. In a flash of boldness, Kaidan straddles Shepard’s legs. It’s a lot less suave than he imagined. The chair’s on wheels, for one, and ends up coasting away from the desk and towards the bed as Kaidan scrambles awkwardly to keep up. Shepard just grins.

“That worked really well in my head,” Kaidan says.

“No, I can picture it. It was impressive.”

Shepard loops an arm around Kaidan’s neck and pulls him in until their lips meet, wincing a little when Kaidan’s weight settles wrong on his thigh. Kaidan immediately tries to stand, fuck this terrible idea, but Shepard traps him in place. When they finally get it right Kaidan sighs against him.

“Better watch it,” Kaidan mumbles between kisses. “I’m getting used to this awfully fast.”

“Should have gotten used to it a long time ago.”

They part, foreheads resting together, and just breathe each other in.

“Thanks for arranging that call earlier,” Kaidan says.

Shepard’s fingers tangle in Kaidan’s hair. “Was pretty sure you needed it as much as she did. Just sorry it took so long to find some time for…this.”

“You’re worth the wait.”

Kaidan presses his lips to Shepard’s, soft and slow, falling headlong into him. Maybe this collision’s been a long time coming, an inevitable derailment of a train picking up speed for years until it finally hit a curve that sent it skidding off the tracks. Or maybe all this time they’ve just been spinning in circles, looking for a solid place to plant their feet and find some momentum. Just imagine how far they could go, now that they have the chance.

Because god Kaidan could kiss him forever. Shepard’s hands travel up his spine, twist in his hair, pull him in as close as they can manage within the confines of the damned desk chair.

Out of nowhere, Shepard chuckles. The sound reverberates off Kaidan’s lips, scintillating, just like the rest of him.

“What?” Kaidan asks, pulling away. The chair swivels a little with the movement, swinging slowly to the left.

Shepard shakes his head. “Just thinking of something really stupid.”

“You? Never.”

“I detect that sarcasm and am making the tactical decision to ignore it.”

“Ok,” Kaidan says with a grin. “So what’s so stupid?”

“I read some of Tali’s book.”

“The romance novel?” Kaidan asks. “You?”

“Yeah. Me. I sometimes read things that aren’t reports.”

Kaidan chuckles. “So what’s so funny? Do we not measure up to the fictional power couple?”

“No, I’m positive we’re a much better power couple than that. Whoever wrote it’s clearly never actually held a gun in their hands. But that wasn’t why I laughed.”

“Ok.”

“Every time they kiss there’s some big, long block of exposition about how they taste.”

Kaidan raises an eyebrow. “So, what? Do I taste weird?”

“That’s what's so funny. You taste like mouth. I keep trying to figure out what you taste like and all I’ve got is mouth.”

Kaidan throws back his head and laughs.

“I mean, you’re always complaining about my palate,” Shepard points out. “Maybe I just need practice. You know. Refine it a little.”

“Mmm,” Kaidan rumbles. “I like the sound of that.”

“Thought you might,” Shepard says with a grin, and hooks Kaidan around the waist, pulling him close. Despite how hard Kaidan tries to push it out of mind, instead of losing himself in the heat and warmth of Shepard’s mouth, all he can think about is whether it tastes like anything.

“Okay,” Kaidan says when they part again. “You’re right. Your mouth tastes like a mouth.”

“Right? Ok, I feel better.”

Shepard runs a thumb across Kaidan’s forehead, grin fading to something soft and filled with awe. The warmth in Kaidan’s belly simmers. Oh, how he plans to explore every way he can find to get that smile again and again.

“So,” Kaidan murmurs, fingers trailing down the front of Shepard’s uniform. “Tell me more about pinning you to a wall.”

“Like that thought, did you?”

“Maybe.”

His face grows solemn. “This is where…things really get different, don’t they?”

“Only as different as we want them to be.” Kaidan leans in until their foreheads touch.

“Not gonna lie, this is…very new for me,” Shepard admits. “I don’t exactly dash off to places like Chora’s Den on shore leave.”

“As I recall, we actually dashed off to Chora’s Den a couple of times.”

“Yeah, and we shot everyone.”

Kaidan grins. “Fair point.”

Shepard strokes Kaidan’s cheek with a finger, then kisses him, slow and deep, giving it everything he can give. Kaidan sighs into his mouth. When they part, Shepard buries his nose into Kaidan’s neck, arms tightening around him.

“You’re nervous,” Kaidan says, stroking the back of his neck with a soft smile.

“Mmph,” he mumbles, burrowing a little deeper.

Kaidan takes Shepard’s chin in his fingers and gently but firmly tugs until their eyes meet. “Sam, me too. We’ll go slow. We don’t have to do any of it, if that’s not what you want. The way I feel about you isn't contingent on with what you do to me in bed.”

Shepard huffs, eyes trained on Kaidan’s lips. “Yeah, well. I, uh, wasn’t lying about the wall. Just might need a little practice to get comfortable with it all.”

Kaidan’s pulse quickens. He gets to his feet and offers Shepard his hand. This time, when Kaidan pulls him to his feet he doesn’t avoid those last few inches of space between them. Instead he does everything in his power to take Shepard’s breath away.

“Practice is good,” Kaidan murmurs, gently pushing Shepard down until he’s seated on the bed. He smiles. “I like practice.”

Shepard’s breath catches in his throat as he centers Kaidan between his legs, hands resting light on his hips. “Just, uh. I’m a little underprepared for certain activities. I don’t exactly keep lube in my nightstand.”

Kaidan feigns shock. “Commander Shepard, not prepared for action?”

Shepard’s cheeks burn, and butterflies tumble around in Kaidan’s stomach at the realization he’s made the Savior of the Citadel blush.

“Never had a use for it. But…I’m looking forward to the day I do.”

The aching throb in Kaidan’s chest sinks notably lower. “You, uh. If that’s your way of trying to get into my pants it’s working.”

A smile spreads across Shepard’s face. Slowly, methodically, with patience that nearly drives Kaidan mad, Shepard runs a thumb along Kaidan’s belt, tugging at his uniform until the shirt comes untucked.

“You said you didn’t want to rush,” Shepard murmurs, eyes locked on Kaidan’s. “Bunk here and we’ll have all night.” Without breaking his gaze Shepard slips his hands under Kaidan’s shirt, fingers searching out bare skin. Kaidan does him a favor and gets rid of the shirt entirely, allowing Shepard to continue what he’d started back at the condo. And he does, willingly, eagerly, this time using his lips instead of his fingers. Kaidan’s stomach jumps in response, shaky gasp rattling its way out of him.

“Shepard…god.”

He expects a grin, a sly remark, some show of his customary bravado. But when he looks down and sees Shepard’s face there’s just raw, unfiltered emotion that stills the breath in Kaidan’s throat.

Shepard lays his forehead against Kaidan’s stomach and wraps his arms around his waist, entire body trembling as he exhales. Kaidan drapes one arm around Shepard’s shoulders, other hand caressing his head.

“Kaidan…” Shepard whispers.

“Hey,” Kaidan says, taking a knee. “You and me. Just like always.”

Shepard pulls him in and kisses him, hard, like it might be the last chance he ever gets. Kaidan gives it right back, pouring as much love as he can into it.

Kaidan interrupts it only for as long as it takes to pull Shepard’s shirt over his head. Skin to skin, from the waist up, anyways, Kaidan takes everything he wants until his knee aches from holding his weight and he can hardly breathe. Only then does he turn loose of Shepard’s mouth. They lock gazes, Kaidan catching Shepard’s chin in his fingers.

“You and me,” Kaidan repeats.

Shepard nods. Then takes Kaidan’s hand, places it on his chest. Nothing between them now. No ablative. No suit. Nothing but flesh under his palm, solid, real, a beating heart instead of a biofeed.

Kaidan’s turn to do a little reveling. He traces the curve of Shepard’s shoulder, following the taut muscle of his deltoid to where it melts into his bicep. There’s a scar nestled there, small and circular.

“Amaranthine,” he murmurs, running his fingers across it. Parting gift from Helena Blake.

“Yeah,” Shepard says with a soft smile. “If not for you, that bullet would have gone in my skull.”

“Maybe if you’d given anyone a head’s up you were planning to open fire it wouldn’t have hit you at all.”

“Can’t prepare for what you didn’t plan.”

Kaidan strokes the side of Shepard’s face. “So impulsive. So perfect.”

“Impulsive hardly seems like it would fit your definition of perfect,” Shepard replies, leaning into the touch.

“Can’t help it,” Kaidan says. “You’re just like that. You somehow make it perfect, even if I want to smack you in the head sometimes.”

Shepard huffs.

Kaidan’s fingers skate across Shepard’s collar bone, dropping to his chest. There’s another mark there, this one long and jagged.

“Volkov,” Kaidan remembers. “Sawblade from that batarian pirate. Straggler came up on us while I was patching the suit breach and you hit him with a biotic punch.” Kaidan vividly remembers the electric energy that has passed through him, lighting up every nerve, standing every hair on end. The phoenix flaring to life so perilously close he’d nearly been caught in the crossfire. Terrifying. Magnificent.

“He was aiming for your spine,” Shepard says.

They share so much history. Until now Kaidan has defined it solely through suit patches, mexo readings and mission reports. But they’re marked in other ways, too. Shepard’s body is a tapestry of skin and scars, some they earned together, others he’ll have to learn. More pieces to discover. He wants them all.

Kaidan pauses his exploration to trace the small scar that curves into Shepard’s hairline. “Always wanted to know where you got this one,” he says.

Shepard smiles. “Coffee table. I was five. Plowed right into it, headfirst.”

Kaidan loops an arm around Shepard’s neck and pulls him close, kissing the scar and then burying his face in the crook of Shepard’s neck. “Of course you did,” he mumbles.

Shepard takes advantage of his closeness to find the buckle of Kaidan’s belt. A few fumbles, a few insistent tugs and it comes free, followed by the button of his pants. Kaidan struggles back to his feet, but his knee is stiff from kneeling on it, and as his pants slip and puddle around his boots he nearly trips. Shepard laughs, the sound of it light, free, full of joy, and he braces Kaidan with a hand to hold him up.

Kaidan takes care of his boots while Shepard looks to his own clothes, but Kaidan forgets how laces work when Shepard is naked in front of him for the first time.

Not the first time. Not really. They’ve shared communal showers for years, but Kaidan’s never had the freedom to let his eyes roam, to linger on every crevice, every dip and curve, trace the lines where muscle blends into bone, study how all the pieces of Shepard, of Sam, fit together in the flesh.

He does so now, the simmering heat that’s been slowly building now hot enough to scald them both. They’re both fully exposed, with nothing to hide behind and nothing left to hold up but the truth.

“You’re beautiful,” Kaidan breathes. “God, Sam, you’re beautiful.”

“You keep saying things like that and I’m going to get used to it awfully fast.”

Kaidan’s lips quirk in a smile. He’ll tell Shepard he’s beautiful every day for the rest of his life if that’s what it takes, because he’ll never tire of saying it. Besides, someone needs to. Someone needs to show him how much he matters, how much he’s worth. And he doesn’t want it to be anyone else.

He lays his palm flat on Shepard’s chest, applying pressure until he lays back onto the bed, giving him room to swing his legs up off the floor. As he does, Kaidan catches sight of a sprawling knot of distorted flesh halfway between Shepard’s left knee and ankle that stops him cold. He brushes it with tentative fingers, as if it might somehow still hurt.

“Sharjila,” he says softly. A suit puncture during the attack by a thresher maw. The fraction of a second of depressurization before the suit VI had compensated had been enough to shatter the bone.

Shepard nods, eyes solemn.

Kaidan has never seen the scar. Never looked for it. For the most part he’s tried not to think about Sharjila over the years. But now he can’t help but remember the unrelenting debris-riddled winds, the endless open ground rolled out in front of them without shelter, the sound of Shepard’s ragged, desperate breathing. If he tried, Kaidan could probably still recall the biofeeds. Pulse. Respiration. Blood pressure. Each moving slowly, treacherously in the wrong direction, Kaidan helpless to stop it.

“I almost lost you that day,” Kaidan murmurs.

“Thought I was going to lose you,” Shepard replies. “For entirely different reasons.”

Kaidan runs a thumb over the mark, bolder this time. Such a small, innocuous reminder of something that in many ways had nearly shattered them both. “You almost did. But in the end, that was the day I realized there wasn’t anything you could put in the world that would be worse than you leaving it.”

He swallows over a sudden lump in his throat. Sometimes it feels like his entire life is wrapped up in making sure that day never happens. His gaze strays from the scar, up Shepard’s leg to the healing bruise on his hip, still so stark, so terrifyingly real.

“Kaidan,” Shepard says softly. Kaidan raises his eyes. “Be here with me now. Right now. Don’t get lost in the might-have-beens. Give me today while we’ve got it.” He reaches for Kaidan’s hand, squeezing when Kaidan gives it to him.

Shepard tugs until Kaidan straddles his waist. He fights a little self-consciousness as Shepard seizes hold of his hips, anchoring him in place to look him over with the same thoroughness. Hard to miss when Shepard’s gaze drifts south, Kaidan’s arousal plain to see, and whatever that look is in his eyes, Kaidan wants more of it. His stomach does a somersault with enough force he’s nearly dizzy.

Shepard presses his thumbs against Kaidan’s pelvis, tracing firm but gentle circles, then reaches up to one hand, finds the trail of hair starting below his belly button and follows it down, pulling a low moan from Kaidan’s throat.

The sound sure does something, because Shepard grabs Kaidan by the wrist and yanks him down until they collide, chest to chest, mouth on mouth, the bodies they know so well when it comes to the cadence of combat finding new ways to fit together. It’s not seamless. Far from it. Some of those new angles don’t quite fit – not yet. Shepard torques his bad hip trying to wrap his leg around Kaidan, and in their exuberance Kaidan’s erection bends in a way it’s not meant to bend, which nearly cuts the whole thing short. But Shepard grins, Kaidan laughs, and the love he’s kept so carefully locked up for so long puts a physical ache in his chest, too much and too big to hold inside. He doesn’t know how he ever held it in the first place.

He plants one hand on the mattress near Shepard’s shoulder, trailing the other up the length of him, thumb dipping inward along Shepard’s thigh until he shivers, hips arcing upwards into the touch. The sound he makes is like a shot of electricity to the groin.

Kaidan kisses him so hard their teeth clack, and there’s a tang of copper in his mouth where he’s bitten his lip. Shepard reaches down with his hand. One finger, one languid stroke, and Kaidan’s heart nearly stops.

“I want you,” Shepard says, hoarse, raw, like the words have been chafing at his throat for a lifetime.

“You have me,” Kaidan mumbles. “You’ve always had me.”

After a few false starts they find the right friction and move together, Shepard’s breath hot in his ear as he kisses Kaidan’s throat, jaw, anything he can reach.

“Sam,” Kaidan breathes, and it’s all but a whimper. He can feel him, god he can feel Shepard against him, the sensation churning up enough heat that his control starts slipping. It’s all he can do to hold himself up.

“Kaidan,” Shepard mumbles against his neck, groan low and guttural.

Kaidan’s loathe to put any kind of space between them, but he’s got other ideas now, and he’d sell his entire fucking soul to hear Shepard cry out his name in ecstasy rather than in fear, the way he had just a few hours ago.

In those few hours it feels like he’s lived a lifetime. Sliding down Shepard’s torso until he can take him in his mouth, watching him twist the sheets in his fingers with one hand while the other tangles in Kaidan’s hair, he’d gladly spend another one right here.

After years spent learning Shepard’s battlefield habits, now Kaidan discovers completely different cues. A new language that’s even more theirs than the biotics that have always set them apart. It’s not always elegant, definitely needs some finesse. But Kaidan is patient, so patient, looking for the right combination of tongue, lips, and hand, until Shepard writhes like a fish on a line.

Kaidan’s nerves sing as Shepard’s corona ignites, blue fire licking at his core. Shepard’s hips buck, Kaidan’s name falling from his lips moments before he reaches his peak. Kaidan takes him through it, one hand holding his hips steady, the other trapped in Shepard’s iron grip.

Shepard sinks back to the mattress, relaxed, spent, contented sounds rippling from his throat as his corona gutters out, air crackling with static. Only then does Kaidan turn him loose, swallowing and wiping his mouth, trying in vain not to make a face.

“You ok?” Shepard asks, guilty look on his face. “Shit, was that ok?”

“Yes,” Kaidan says, quickly, then ducks his head. “Sorry, just…a little rusty.”

Shepard grins. “Don’t you dare apologize.”

Kaidan runs his fingers across the musculature of Shepard’s abs, watching the muscles ripple and jump as he catches his breath. There are definitely a few advantages of falling for a marine. An N7. Between the gene mods, discipline and brutal training regimen, Shepard’s body is as lethal as his gun and exquisite to look at, especially like this.

“C’mere,” Shepard says, seizing Kaidan’s wrist and pulling him back within reach. Kaidan slides up next to him, grin plastered on his face as Shepard rolls him to his side and pulls Kaidan’s back flush with his chest. Their limbs interlock, one of Shepard’s hands snaking under Kaidan’s shoulder, the other reaching across his waist until his fingers find the fine hairs on Kaidan’s pelvis and start to explore. Slow and tender to start out, growing bolder the more Kaidan reacts to his touch.

“Sam,” he gasps.

“Say it again,” Shepard whispers in his ear.

“Mmmm. Thought you hated it when people called you by your name.”

“Not you.”

As if to prove his point, he runs a finger over the moist head of Kaidan’s arousal, rumbling with pleasure when Kaidan’s breath hitches, hips jumping into Shepard’s hand.

“Sam,” he pants.

“That’s it,” Shepard says softly. “Like that.”

Kaidan will say it over and over if it means more of this, more of Sam, more of his lips trailing kisses down Kaidan’s neck as they move, more of his voice low and guttural in Kaidan’s ear, more of the give and take of his hands, more of the warm tingle of their biotic fields prickling his skin, more of everything. There will never, never be enough.

At one point Shepard gets a little overzealous and Kaidan winces, which is when he discovers that in this new world of theirs, rather than a commander Kaidan now has an attentive and willing pupil, eager to take direction and learn how to give Kaidan what he wants. Needs, because he does, god he does, and Shepard has such tremendous capacity to give.

Shepard presses a smile into Kaidan’s neck. “I feel like a cadet.”

“Mm. Definitely not a cadet. At least a lieutenant. Consider it, mmmph, a field promotion.”

“I’d salute, but my hands are kinda occupied.”

Kaidan stumbles over a smartass remark that can’t get through the haze in his brain, his laugh quickly swallowed up by a long, low moan.

Dark energy ripples through him, aura threatening to kindle. Years of training and conditioning kick in to bottle it up, until Shepard holds him tighter.

“Let go,” he whispers.

Kaidan’s corona catches like a spark finding oxygen, starving and hungry, bathing them both in flickering blue flames. Shepard lets his own radiate outward to join it. Their fields hiss as they mingle, sending an exquisite hum reverberating through every nerve.

Shepard stays with him as his hips buck, and when he finally goes over the edge Shepard is right there, holding him close, riding it out with him as Kaidan mumbles his name, over and over.

Limbs warm and heavy, Kaidan relaxes against him. Shepard traces his silhouette with his now-free hand while Kaidan grips the arm that’s pinned underneath him and tries to catch his breath.

“So?” Shepard murmurs. “How was that?”

“System crashed,” Kaidan mumbles, the words half slurred. “Ask again when I reboot.”

Shepard chuckles. It’s not his usual laugh. It’s softer. Tender. A rumble deep in his broad chest. “I’ll take that as a positive sign, then.”

“Mmmmmm.”

Shepard’s arm twitches where Kaidan has him pinned. “Gonna need that back,” he grunts.

Kaidan shifts enough to free him. Shepard flexes his wrist and rolls his shoulder to work out the kink. “Stay there. I think I have a towel.”

A rush of cool air greets Kaidan’s back as Shepard gets out of bed and digs around, eventually returning with a t-shirt from his duffle bag. He shrugs in apology. “Uh, best I got without venturing out…there.” He gestures to the door.

Out there, of course, is reality. Their responsibilities to the crew. They’re going to have to be careful. Discreet. They knew it wasn’t going to be easy. But knowing it and living it are two different things.

“This’ll work just fine,” Kaidan says.

Shepard joins him back in bed, trapping the hopelessly rumpled blanket beneath him, and watches Kaidan clean himself up with a lazy grin.

“So this is…definitely different,” he says when Kaidan tosses the t-shirt on the floor.

“Weird?” Kaidan asks, settling back onto the mattress.

“A little,” Shepard confesses. “But good,” he adds quickly. “Really…really good.”

They fumble a little as they lie back down, thinking too hard about whose limbs should go where instead of just letting it happen. Shepard solves it by kissing him, driving all thoughts out of his brain until they wind up in a breathless heap, Kaidan on his back, Shepard leaning over him with a knowing grin.

“Have to pull you out of your own head sometimes,” Shepard says.

“Feel free to do it more often.”

Kaidan tugs Shepard down until his head rests on Kaidan’s shoulder. Shepard exhales, long and slow, draping an arm across Kaidan’s chest. The warm weight of him chases away any of the guilt and anxiety Kaidan feels from being here, in his CO’s cabin, with no intentions to leave.

Kaidan plants a kiss on the crown of his head. One hand runs languid strokes up and down Shepard’s spine while the other brushes his face. His chin. Jaw. Forehead. When Kaidan’s thumb strays to an eyebrow Shepard sighs and sinks deeper against him.

“Please don’t stop,” Shepard murmurs.

“Wouldn’t dream of it.”

They lie in a pleasant tangle of limbs, no sound but their own contentment. Eventually Shepard’s breathing evens out, becoming deep and slow. Kaidan fumbles for an edge of the blanket, hoping to pull it over them both, but Shepard’s got it pinned beneath him in a helpless tangle.

“What is it with you and blankets,” Shepard mumbles.

“Me? Shepard, you are a nightmare to share a bed with.”

“Your nightmare now.”

Kaidan chuckles. “Yeah. Guess you are.”

Shepard shifts just enough for Kaidan to pull the sheet out from under him. The best he can do without kicking both of them out of bed and remaking it is to mostly cover them. Good enough. Kaidan relaxes back onto his pillow as Shepard settles back against him. Mentally he tries to calculate the best time to try and slip out in the morning unnoticed before morning shift change. He’s got a few words for whoever thought it was a good idea to put the captain’s quarters adjacent to the mess.

As if sensing his tension, Shepard shifts. “Don’t have to stay,” he says, eyes half closed. “Not if it makes you uncomfortable.”

“Do you want me to?”

“Not my decision.”

Kaidan puts a finger to his chin and tips it up until their eyes meet. Only now that the bliss is fading and reality is creeping back in does he see how red Shepard’s eyes are, how tired. Past two nights he’s had maybe a couple of hours of sleep at best.

(Every time. They rip you apart. Kill you over and over, right in front of my eyes.)

Kaidan can only wonder how many times the beacon has woken him up in his quarters afraid and alone. Not this time. Not tonight.

“I want to stay.”

Shepard smiles as he lays his head back down. “Good. Because you’re way better than my actual pillow.”

“Harder to throw off the bed, too.”

“Just need practice.”

Kaidan chuckles.

Shepard falls silent, and for a while Kaidan thinks he’s drifted off. In the stillness of the cabin, he marvels at what he has in his arms. How just a few hours ago, Kaidan had hesitated to touch him when Shepard had needed him most.

He holds him tighter.

It’s taken them five years to find this quiet room, the space to hold one another and not let go. It’s worth it. No matter what happens now, it’s worth it.

He reaches over to flip off the light.

“Kaidan?” Shepard mumbles through the dark.

“Mmm.”

“Do you love me?”

“Yes,” Kaidan replies.

“Say it.”

Kaidan presses a kiss to his forehead, caresses his jaw with a finger. “I love you.”

As if it’s the simplest thing in the galaxy.

End.