Chapter Text
Eddie couldn’t believe his life had gotten to this point. His first day off after a rough 24 on. The house to himself, Buck taking the day to quote “spoil his favourite Diaz”. All the time in the world, but he still found himself like this. As a man in his 30’s sitting in bed taking an ‘am I gay?’ quiz.
He had become aware of these types of quizzes innocently enough on a call. A young man, probably late teens, had suffered a pretty nasty fall after using a rented scooter for the first time. While Eddie assessed the kid's obviously broken ankle, Buck was securing his neck brace. Hen and Chim working on his friend’s busted nose. He was clearly a nervous talker as he started rambling non stop as soon they arrived. Mostly about how hot he thought Buck and Eddie were. Though the kid had started to tear up by the time he was loaded into the ambulance.
“This is officially the most embarrassing moment of my life. Why am I having my sexual awakening while being treated by firefighters.” Buck patted the guy reassuringly on the shoulder. “Hey, don't worry you're not the first person to flirt with us on shift. It’s the uniform, it’s like catnip!” The young man only looked more mortified, whining into his hands. “No ‘and I gay’ quiz could have prepared me for this.” Buck barked out a surprised laugh as the kid was finally loaded and on his way with Hen and Chim. “I’m sorry, a what quiz?” Eddie couldn’t hide the amusement from his voice. Buck quickly rushed back over to his side. “You never had a quiz phase? Ya’ know, like what breed of dog are you? Or what type of cheese are you?”
Eddie shrugged as he started gathering their gear. “I mean yeah I’ve seen stuff like that on facebook. But what does that have to do with being gay?” Buck bumped his shoulder as they headed back to the truck where Bobby was waving to them. “Just something harmless young people can do if they have questions. Help them figure themselves out.” Eddie hummed in understanding. The conversation was quickly derailed when the taller of the two started going on a rant about how the quiz he had taken was wrong and he was “obviously cheddar”.
However Eddie couldn’t stop thinking about that stupid quiz. Growing up, he knew he was different from a lot of his peers. When his eyes would wonder while the other boys stretched during dance classes. How hard his heart would thump while roughhousing with his friends. Living in a religious community, he never had the opportunity to ask questions. To learn about how other people lived. He only learned how to hide his feelings, to associate them with shame. When we reunited with Shannon, when she asked him out, he thought that was his chance to prove he was normal. That however only opened a whole new can of worms.
That night as he lay awake in his bunk he couldn’t stop wondering. What if I had taken that quiz when I was that kid's age, how different would my life be? Eddie couldn’t bring himself to ever regret the choices that led him to having Christopher. But the hanging thread of ‘who is Eddie Diaz’ still bothered him.
And that’s what led him to spending a Saturday lounging in comfortable clothes googling ‘am I gay’. He had to bring his laptop into the bedroom with the door locked. Too paranoid that someone might pop up over his shoulder and catch him in the act. Eddie was surprised how many results he got, almost overwhelmed by it honestly. Without much preamble he just clicked the first link he saw.
Most of the questions were straight forward “what inspired you to take this quiz?” Just curious. “If someone of the same sex asked you out how would you react?” Easy, confused/ not know how to respond. “Have you ever wanted to kiss a friend of the same sex?” Eddie found himself clicking ‘yes’ before he even fully registered the question. “Do you find yourself emotionally drawn to people of the same sex?” Another easy yes. “Have you ever been sexually attracted to someone of the same sex?” His palms started to sweat as he clicked ‘maybe’. “Have you ever watched same sex pornography?” No, god no. Not even lesbian, which apparently some guys liked?
Other questions hit a little too close to home.“If you had to imagine your perfect partner they would be…?” Buck. That’s what his mind immediately replied, Buck. Swallowing heavily he clicked ‘same sex’. As the results loaded Eddie had to look away from the screen. Reassuring himself it was just a random online quiz. It’s not like it actually matters in the grand scheme. With one last calming breath he looked back to the screen. “Closeted Gay.”
Eddie didn’t even take the time to read the description, he just closed the tab. It’s just one stupid test anyway, what did it know? He probably just picked a bad one to begin with. That had to be it. So he opened his browser and took another quiz…and another. Ok so maybe if 15 were telling him he was gay/closeted they were on to something. If he kept imagining Buck whenever a hypothetical relationship was brought up that definitely would be a point in the test’s favour. Thinking back to a question on the first quiz Eddie decided it was time to test his findings. He’d look at porn.
Well, maybe it was going to be harder than he anticipated. He rarely looked at porn and when he did it was straight (though now he can admit he looked at the men more than the women). He was also too mortified to just google ‘gay porn’. He doesn't trust that his HILDY coffee maker wasn't listening. So he ended upon his regular website clicking video after video. Losing himself down a related video rabbit hole. Till thankfully ended up finding more man on man content.
His heart was beating like crazy. Eddie tried to convince himself it was because it took so long for him to find them. Not the array of muscles on the thumbnails, of course not. He hadn’t picked a video to watch yet, still entranced with the images before him. Till he saw it. The most stunning cock he’d ever seen.
The thumbnail showed the lower abdomen of a slim but muscular white man, a darker skin hand wrapped around what Eddies couldn’t take his eyes off of. It was long, maybe an inch longer than himself, but it was also thick. The hand barely encompassed the girth. It stood proudly, curved slightly, noticeable vain along the side, and flushed a mouthwatering pink. Deepening to a red where the head poked out of his foreskin. Heavy clean shaven balls were almost out of frame. Ok so the quizzes were onto something. With heaving breaths Eddie opened “Beautiful Blond Twunk With Monster Cock (AMATEUR)”.
The video was clearly filmed on someone’s phone, presumably the dark skinned man’s as he opened the video holding it. The screen shook as the two men joked and passed the camera between each other. The smaller of the two pushing the ‘blond twunk’ onto the bed before bending down to kiss along the band of his jock. They were talking to each other but Eddie didn’t hear it over the sound of his heartbeat in his ears. With little finesse the jockstrap was yanked down the mile long legs. Eddie couldn’t help but feel jealous as the smaller man kissed up from the other man’s knee, to his inner thigh, and finally mouth lazily at those heavy balls. Using his hands to work the quickly stiffening dick. Eddie’s mouth started to water as he heard the blond's rough moans.
It wasn’t long before the darker skinned man moved to suckle on the thick head. Slowly working his way deeper with every bob of his head. Eddie had had his is dick suck a fair few times but he’s never seen someone so enthusiastic to give a blow job before. Though if he was in the same position he’d probably be just as passionate, though definitely not as skilled. His jaw almost ached in sympathy as the mouth worked around the thick length.
Before he even realized he was moving Eddie’s hand slipped into his joggers to cup himself through his briefs. Licking his lips as he watched the man pull off. Wanting to be the one to tongue the bead of pre-cum off the rosey tip. Wanted to be the one to make the blond make those beautiful noises. “Fuck, Evan I can’t wait to have you in me.” The smaller man panted as he caught his breath. Eddie would take it to his grave how the name made his own cock jump in his hand.
Now fully into it Eddie took no time shoving the band of his pants and underwear down his thighs to properly work himself over. Matching pace with the blond in the video as he had taken himself into his free hand. Smearing spit and pre messily along his length. Making it shine in the overhead light. Eddie had never seen someone with foreskin jerk off before. But now he found himself hypnotized by the way it glided over the flushed head. Found himself wanting to learn anything and everything we could about this specimen of a man. The two in the video said something to each other but it was lost on Eddie as he was focused on the wet sound of every glide of the blond's hand.
He was so enraptured that he almost jumped when the frame shook again as the phone was passed between the men. The dark skinned man took his time panning up the blond’s body. Running the tips of his fingers over the dips and valleys of the smooth hairless muscle. Looks like the blond had shaved everything but his sinfully long legs. The swell of his chest had Eddie aching to squeeze. Wanting to compare the difference of hard muscles against his knowledge of soft breasts. Building sweat highlighted his collarbones in a pleasantly photographic way. The blond had moved his hands behind his head, using it as an excuse to show off his impressive biceps.
Finally the camera reached his face. He was young, definitely early 20’s. Soft looking blond hair styled back with product. A cute nose he wanted to pepper with kisses. Pouty pink lips stretched into an open mouth smile. Adorably framed by laugh lines. Glacial blue eyes framed by thick lashes. Distinctive birthmark-
Eddie slammed the laptop closed, all but throwing it across the room in his panic. That was Buck. His Buck. He had just been jerking off to his Buck. A wave of panic unlike he's ever experienced washed over him. He barely had enough time to pull his pants back up and rush to the bathroom before he was expelling the meager dinner he had had earlier. What the fuck.
He struggled to calm his hyperventilating breaths. Whatever God was out there must be laughing at him. He finally started to figure himself out, to accept himself. Only for the first dick he really wants in him to be Buck’s. Well, if Eddie was being honest it was always Buck’s. But there's a huge difference between fantasies and knowing for a fact your best friend has the most perfect cock you could imagine. The worst part of this whole situation, he was still a little hard.
Without much grace he ripped off his clothes and jumped into a freezing shower. Leaning against the tile wall like a puppet with its strings cut. How was he supposed to ever look Buck in the eyes again. He felt tainted. Like you could just look at him and know he was getting off on imagining gargling his best friend's balls.
Eddie couldn't tell you how long he sat slumped over in the shower for. Too lost in wondering if it was feasible to move again. His spiraling was cut short by his front door opening, followed by the sounds of excited voices. No, no, no, he needed more time. How is he supposed to go have a casual conversation with the Buck when all he’ll be thinking about is liking along the vein on his dick.
Ok, get it together Diaz! You've been in worse situations than this. You can put on a friendly face, act like everything is cool. Bluff long enough for Buck to leave and Chris to go to bed. Then you can continue your panic attack. With that he hurried to dry himself, threw on his old clothes and left to greet the two.
“Hey, looks like you two had fun!” Eddie announced as he entered the living room. They both looked up to him excitedly. Buck holding a fairly large bag proudly on his lap. “Dad, you should've come with us! They had a 3D T-Rex movie at the museum. Buck got me the coolest model kit after.” That appears to be Buck's cue as he pulls a huge model of a T-Rex skeleton out of the bag. Eddie hummed affectionately as he walked over to ruffle his son's hair. “As fun as that sounds, I don't want to bother you two on your special time together.” Buck doesn't hesitate to interject with a fond look. “You could never be a bother Eds.” They locked eyes for a moment before Eddie cleared his throat and refocused on Chris.
“Bud, it's getting late. Why don't you take your new toy-“ “It's not a toy.” “to your room and start getting ready for bed.” Chris sighs dramatically before turning to Buck for a hug. “Thanks for today Buck. You're the best.” The tall man almost completely covers the teen with his bulk. “Anything for my best friend.” Quickly snatching the model kit from where it was placed on the coffee table, Chris heads out to his room. Leaving Eddie and Buck alone.
There's a pregnant pause where Eddie doesn't know what to say. It's interrupted by Buck reaching back into the bag again. “Dont think I forgot about you.” He declares as he pulls out a bumper sticker featuring the silhouette of stegosaurus and the saying ‘fueled by recycled dinosaurs’. “For your truck!” He says it with such genuine enthusiasm Eddie can’t help but be endeared. “Thanks.” Just being around Buck puts him at ease. So much so he’s momentarily distracted from his earlier panic. That is until Buck gets up from the couch and makes his way towards Eddie.
He’d always been cognizant of their height difference. But now with Buck standing in front of him it hits him. That Buck would have to lean down slightly to kiss him. He'd always been the one to have to bend down in past kisses. And god, if that doesn’t do something for him.“I’d love to stay for a beer but I promised Maddie I’d have an early breakfast with her tomorrow.” Eddie’s eyes snapped up from where they were looking Buck's lips to his eyes. “O-oh yeah, man. No problem. Next time for sure.” Buck cocked an eyebrow at Eddie. “Well, sleep tight.” As he moves past he pats him on the arm. With his hand. His right hand. The same hand he’d used to- “Good night!” Eddie prays he doesn’t sound as wrecked as he feels.
When he hears the front door close he releases a breath he didn’t know he was holding. After checking in on Chris he headed straight to his room. Not even glancing at where his laptop lay upside down on the floor by the window. It felt as if all the stress of the day hit him at once. The minute his head touched the pillow he was out like a light.