Archive of Our Own

Joshua’s ears perk up when he hears the sound of the code being entered into the keypad to his apartment, but he doesn’t react any further. The telltale click of the door opening comes next, then the sounds of someone settling into his space – shuffling feet, shoes kicked off and rearranged, socks moving down the hallway. 

Finally, a voice. 

“Hyung, I’m here!” 

“Come in!” Joshua shouts. “I’m in my bathroom.” 

Joshua peers at himself in the mirror above the sink. His hair is damp and slicked back after his shower. His skin is dewy from the face mask he just took off, his complexion clear after the aqua peel he had earlier. He looks healthier than he did a few days ago, the fatigue he always feels after a concert chased off after a day of rest. He’s hydrated and fed, and he fills out his tank top the way he likes. He doesn’t spot the fatigue in his face so easily anymore. He looks good. 

Unlike some of the others, Joshua didn’t have to go straight back to work. He was spared a little time to regroup, and he seized it. Minghao and Hansol had no time to waste with their album looming on the horizon. Junhui was on a flight the day after the fan meeting, and Seungkwan was on set right away. Joshua isn’t sure if he’s lucky for it or not. While he always appreciates the chance to rest, there was something strange about having these slow hours when everyone else seemed to be scrambling. Only Seungcheol can relate to him, and they’ve avoided getting into it so far. Joshua has no doubt the day will come when they sit and let it all out over a beer, but for now, Joshua’s been wading through his emotions on his own. 

They seem to change every day anyway. Mostly, he feels on edge, like he’s waiting for the big explosion that will make everything he knows crumble to pieces. Unfortunately, Joshua is a little smarter than that. He knows it won’t be anything close to an explosion. In truth, his reality has been slowly eroding for a while now. It started when Jeonghan left – no, maybe even before that, when they were without Seungcheol for ten months. Joshua keeps waiting for the flip to switch. He keeps waiting for the change to settle in, but things are changing all the time. Sometimes he wishes there was a bomb that would go off. He wishes he could just get it over with. Instead he has to live like this, knowing they’re going to leave one by one. He wavers as he waits, and he tries to tell himself he’s ready for what’s to come even though it’s a future he knows he can’t even begin to fathom. 

All he can do is tend the beautiful garden they made bloom together. He wants to greet them with flowers when they come back. 

He rubs his hair with the towel around his neck and lets out a loud, deep exhale. At least the rest has served him well. Even in his busy, buzzing head, he’ll never complain about avoiding the HYBE building and sleeping at normal hours. 

He hangs the towel on the hook, and then he’s no longer alone in his reflection. 

“Hi,” says Seokmin. They meet eyes in the mirror. Seokmin is grinning. He looks good in the door frame, leaning one arm against it like this is his home and not Joshua’s. 

“Dokyeom-ah,” says Joshua warmly. He presses his lips together. “You’re here early.” 

Seokmin laughs. “It’s already nine, hyung. Were you in the shower for that long?” 

Joshua doesn’t even know where he left his phone, let alone what time it is. He assumed Seokmin would take his time getting here, because he figured Seokmin would know he meant 9 earliest. But here Seokmin is, right on time. At first, Joshua had hesitated to have him over at all, but Seokmin was persistent. He said they were overdue for a drink together, and Joshua didn’t have a real reason to say no. He has to be in Paris in less than a day, but at this point, another flight is just semantics. 

“Oh, maybe.”

“If you need to finish up in here, I can just go wait in your living room,” Seokmin says easily. 

Joshua shakes his head. “No, I’m good.” 

He puts a few things away in the medicine cabinet and moves toward the door, but Seokmin doesn’t get out of the way. He looks at Joshua with a crease between his brow. 

“Aren’t you going to dry your hair?” 

Joshua cocks his head. Seokmin’s eyes are unwavering on him, and Joshua feels his stare drag over the lines of his jaw and neck. Only after a beat does he realize that a droplet of water is running down his skin. He wipes it away. Seokmin wets his lips. 

“It’s not like it’s soaking wet anymore,” Joshua says with a shrug, touching his nape. “It’s just a little damp. I wasn’t planning on drying it. Air drying is fine.” 

“Hyung,” says Seokmin with the slightest pout, “you should dry it. What if you get sick with the aircon on?” 

Joshua can’t hide his amusement. He smiles, chuckling, always impressed with the ways Seokmin finds to dote on him. 

“Growing up, I never used to blow dry my hair. Only if I was trying to style it. It wasn’t until I moved here that I realized everyone dries their hair all the time. I didn’t think it was weird, and I’ve never gotten sick from having wet hair.” 

“Well, what if it happens this time?”

Joshua rolls his eyes fondly and gives Seokmin a little shove. 

“Fine. I’ll be right out.”

“I brought whiskey. Do you want a drink?”

Joshua’s first instinct is to say that Seokmin didn’t have to bring anything, but he’s actually glad he did. He’s looking forward to the drink, the warmth in his belly, the way it will make him sink into the couch. 

“Sure, that would be nice. There’s rocks ice in the freezer.”

“Okay, thanks, hyung,” Seokmin says, and he gives Joshua one more smile before turning away, his eyes still flickering down to the place where droplets of water keep congregating between Joshua’s collarbones. 

It only takes five minutes to dry his hair, but it still feels like a chore. When Joshua leaves his bathroom, he finds Seokmin on his couch, a bottle of Macallan 12 on his coffee table, and two rocks glasses filled with a fresh pour of whiskey. Seokmin glances up from where he was scrolling on his phone and tosses it aside. He looks comfortable in Joshua’s space. He must have shed the hoodie he was wearing before, because he’s only in a tanktop now, his arms bulging when he crosses them over his chest. One ankle is crossed over his knee, and Joshua’s eyes flicker to his thighs, thick in his darkwash jeans. 

He looks away and forces himself to swallow. 

“Now you won’t get sick,” says Seokmin happily. 

“I wasn’t gonna get sick,” Joshua mutters, taking a seat next to him. “If anything was getting me sick, it would’ve been from when we performed in the rain the other day.”

“You’ve been resting though, right, hyung?” 

“As much as I can,” says Joshua. It doesn’t seem worth it to talk about how he’s been feeling, that there’s a restlessness to resting, that there’s this incessant need to keep moving. Sometimes he feels like if he stays in place for too long, the ground might collapse from beneath him. 

Seokmin passes him the drink, their fingers brushing. 

“Thank you,” says Joshua, and he reaches around the couch to rub the back of Seokmin’s head, carding his fingers through his hair. He squeezes his nape once, and then he withdraws his hand. He watches the bob of Seokmin’s throat before he even puts his mouth on the rim of his own glass. Joshua leaves his arm draped along the back of the couch. 

“Jjan,” says Seokmin. 

“Jjan.” 

They clink their glasses together. Joshua takes a long swallow, and even though the whiskey burns a little, it’s sweet. The next time he takes a sip, he makes sure to lift his littlest finger. 

“Pinky up,” he drawls, looking at Seokmin. 

Seokmin sinks into the couch, his cheeks going red. 

“Hyung,” he whines. “Don’t make fun of me.”

Joshua squeezes his shoulder. “I’m just teasing,” he says soothingly. “You were so good. I like that you never hold back.” 

Seokmin perks up a bit. 

“Really?” 

That’s enough to make Joshua want to laugh — Seokmin is so sensitive, but he’s also so easy to cheer up. It really doesn’t take much. 

“Mm! It’s one of my favorite things about you. You always go all out.” 

Seokmin lays a hand on Joshua’s thigh to give it a squeeze. 

“You were really good this time, too.” 

Joshua schools his expression into something as close to angsty, boy-hating girl as can manage and offers his best impersonation of the bridge of “RUDE!”

“You know what he said to me?” 

He stops there though. He still doesn’t know the rest of the words. It makes Seokmin laugh anyway. 

“That was good, but I meant in general, on stage. ‘Jungle’…”

“Ayy,” Joshua says, waving him off with a hand. “I did my best.”

Seokmin’s hand splays over his thigh and squeezes again. “Really, hyung. You were so good. I’ve never seen you go so hard.” 

Joshua tips his head back, a small smile playing at his lips. 

“It was kind of fun to be aggressive like that.” 

“What was it you said? ‘Come on?’”

“Come on!” Joshua yells like he did on stage, but he manages his volume for the sake of his neighbors. He’s never had a problem before, but it doesn’t seem right to shout like that at this hour. 

Seokmin bursts into laughter, and then he sighs, leaning his head against Joshua’s arm where it still rests behind him. The joy slips from his face quickly, as if from a blink of an eye. With the sweep of his eyelashes, a gentle sadness washes over his expression. 

“Ah, hyung. I’m really gonna miss it. Saying goodbye like that was so weird.”

“I know,” says Joshua softly. “You have some time left though. And you’ve prepared so much.”

“Yeah. It’s just hard to think about not being on stage.” 

“What will our Seokminnie look like with a shaved head?” Joshua teases. 

Seokmin nearly shudders, dragging a palm over his face. 

“Don’t remind me.”

“You’re always handsome. You have nothing to worry about.” 

Joshua touches the back of Seokmin’s head again, scratching lightly behind his ear. He watches as Seokmin’s eyes flutter shut. Seokmin lets out a quiet hum, so Joshua continues to touch him, petting lightly at Seokmin’s nape, running his nails over Seokmin’s scalp.

They go quiet for a moment. Joshua watches the steady rise and fall of Seokmin’s chest, knowing there must be a lot running through his head. Like this, Joshua can look at him freely. Seokmin is gorgeous. One hand is curled around his whiskey glass and the other is still brushing Joshua’s thigh. The drink has mellowed him out, and he’s as handsome as ever. He’s relaxed, his hair falling over his forehead, just a hint of stubble along his jaw. Joshua follows the sharp point of his nose with his eyes and traces over the moles on his cheeks. 

It’s nice to see him here, in his home. Now that they’re sitting together on this couch, Joshua realizes he’s not sure how much more often this is going to happen. 

Only after Joshua’s hand stills from where it was carding through his hair does Seokmin finally open his eyes and take a long sip of his drink. 

“Thanks for having me over,” Seokmin murmurs. 

Joshua squeezes his nape. “You know you’re always welcome.” 

Spending time with friends at home is something a lot of idols have had to adapt to. It can be hard to meet out for a casual meal or drink when there’s always a risk of being spotted. For privacy’s sake, many of his colleagues have learned that inviting friends over is the easiest way to see anyone. For Joshua, it’s always been natural to have his friends in his home. It’s a product of where he grew up and what kind of house his mother raised him in. His family’s door was always open, so he was never a stranger to having people come to visit. Whether it was a play date after school when he was a kid or holing up in his bedroom as a moody teen to practice guitar with his friends, he’s always thought of his home as just as much of a social place as anywhere else. After years of living with his members, he was so excited to have a place to invite them to visit. 

“I’ll have to come again. Before I go.” 

Joshua hums. He rattles his melting ice in his glass, and after a brief pause, he looks at Seokmin to find him already staring. 

“Kyeom-ah, did you really have nothing else to do tonight?”

An easy, handsome grin overtakes his face. “I just wanted to have a drink with you, hyung.” 

Joshua hums again, nodding slowly. 

“Is that so bad?” Seokmin knocks their glasses together and holds Joshua’s gaze as he swallows instead of looking away. 

“Of course not. You just asked me all of a sudden.”

Seokmin bumps his knuckles against Joshua’s leg. “I need to spend time with my Shua-hyung before I can’t anymore.”

Joshua rolls his eyes playfully. “I’ll still see you.”

“Not like this,” says Seokmin, and he’s resolute. “We’re not alone very often.” 

“I guess not.” 

Seokmin looks at Joshua’s glass, now empty. “Want a little more?”

“Yeah, I’ll take a little.” 

Seokmin leans forward to retrieve the bottle and pours for them both. He crosses his leg over his knee again when he leans back. His ankle has started to rattle. 

“The whiskey’s good, isn’t it?” 

“Always is,” says Joshua. How couldn’t it be? It’s Macallan. He takes another long sip, letting the sweetness coat his teeth. After a glass, it doesn’t burn so much anymore.  

Seokmin tugs his lip between his teeth and stares into his whiskey like he’s trying to take a dive. 

“Remember the last time we shared a bottle?”

Joshua’s brows knit has he tries to remember. “When was that, in the Maldives? Was that really the last time?”

“Mmh,” Seokmin replies. 

Joshua lets out a happy sigh as he reflects on it. Even though it’s summer now in Korea, nothing can compare to the time they spent on those islands, in their endless blue. 

“That was such a fun trip,” he says dreamily. 

“You really dragged me all over the place.”

“Ah, sorry,” Joshua says. At the time, he hadn’t realized how busily he led them around during that trip. There was just so much he wanted to do. He was used to traveling with Mingyu, who rivals him pretty equally when it comes to stamina on vacation. 

“It’s okay,” says Seokmin, his voice low. “I would’ve done anything you wanted.” 

Joshua looks away, because he knows exactly what Seokmin is talking about. He feels Seokmin’s eyes on him, but he doesn’t turn his head to meet his gaze. He takes another sip of whiskey instead, suddenly fascinated with the books on his shelf. 

They really didn’t have much time to party on that trip. For as much as they played and adventured, they were hesitant about really letting loose because they had the shoot to worry about. They needed to keep themselves in good condition to be photographed, so it wasn’t until their last night that they allowed themselves to relax fully. They spent that evening in the outdoor area of Joshua’s suite with a bottle of the very same whiskey split between them. 

They were in their swimsuits, in and out of the hot tub, drinking, talking, looking at the stars that felt so unfamiliar to them. Hours blurred like that, reliving the best moments of their trip and laughing about them all over again. They tried to stretch out the night as long as they could, neither of them wanting to confront the morning, when they would get on a flight back to their reality.

Seokmin was endlessly chatty, telling Joshua every thought that passed his mind. He was big and muscular, all tan from the equator sun. In the hot tub, he draped his arms around the edges, and Joshua watched him steam. 

“Hyung,” he said, looking at Joshua. He waited for Joshua to meet his eyes, and when Joshua found his gaze he found it heavy. He found it slow and dripping, like Seokmin was tracing the path of syrup down Joshua’s skin and he was the one who poured it there. “You look really good. I think the photos are gonna turn out really nice. You’re so pretty.”

“Yah, Lee Dokyeom, what are you talking about?”

Already hot in the water, Joshua felt himself begin to overheat. He flustered, heat pulsing down his neck and toward his chest. He lifted himself out the tub and perched himself on the edge, but it didn’t make him feel any cooler. Seokmin only had more to look at, his eyes flickering down Joshua’s abdomen, lingering by the waistband of his swim shorts.

“I’m just telling you that you look good,” Seokmin said, and no matter how light he tried to make his voice, Joshua still felt every last ounce of its weight. He was no fool. He knew what it meant to be looked at like this. 

“Alright,” he said airily. 

Seokmin didn’t reply for a while, but the heat must have gotten to him too. He followed Joshua’s lead, and he lifted himself out of the water to perch on the ledge of the tub. Joshua couldn’t help but look at him. Water dripped down his chest, steam rising from his shoulders and arms. There was something serious about him. He let out a quiet sigh toward the sky and looked toward Joshua again. 

“Hyung,” he said. He wet his lip. “You know I’ve been with guys, right?”

Joshua knew. He knew. It was hard not to know certain things about each other, after this life they’ve lived. But Seokmin and Joshua didn’t usually talk about that with each other. Seokmin wasn’t like Seungkwan, who’d come to Joshua and complain about a bad hookup, or even Mingyu, who’d always been open about sex. 

Seokmin went about telling him this so bluntly it took Joshua off guard. He was a little clumsy about it, but it didn’t matter. It didn’t have to, especially because Joshua knew exactly why he said it. 

 “I know,” was all Joshua could reply.  

Seokmin only licked his lips again, and he nodded, his fingernails scratching at the swell of his chest, drawing red lines Joshua followed again and again. He couldn’t help but wonder what it would feel like to cross them. 

Thinking back on that night, all Joshua can do is try to brush off the tension with a laugh.

“Now you’ve learned our travel styles aren’t compatible, haven’t you?” he jokes.

Seokmin doesn’t seem to find it very funny.

“I don’t care,” he says seriously. “I’d go with you again.”

“Let’s see if another magazine books us, then.”

“It doesn’t have to be for work.”

Joshua is surprised by Seokmin’s insistence, but perhaps he shouldn’t be. There’s been something pressing about him all night, even down to the fact that he’s here right now, and Joshua knows he shouldn’t expect to be able to get out from underneath it.

“Hopefully one day we have the time,” he says, and though he means it, the fact that it’s in the future makes it feel a little safer to wish for.

“That’d be nice. We’d have to go somewhere warm again.”

“Yeah?” Joshua hums, considering it. Korea taught him all about winter, and every year he seems to have enough of it sooner than the last. “I agree. I really like the beach.”

“LA boy,” Seokmin sings. “The beach is a good idea. You go well with the ocean. And you look good when you have a tan.” 

Joshua peers down at his arms. He’s never really that pale, but he hasn’t gotten much sun lately, either.

When Seokmin sees Joshua checking his arms, he amends, “You always look good.”

This only makes Joshua look down at himself again. He peers at his outfit in question. He’s not sure what’s so remarkable about his black tank top and grey sweats, but something about them keeps pulling Seokmin’s eyes to him, over and over again. 

Joshua shifts. He thinks he knows where this is going, and Seokmin doesn’t waver.

“Really, hyung.”

“Dokyeom-ah.”

Seokmin doesn’t respond. He sets down his glass of whiskey on the coffee table and turns toward Joshua. He’s not quite hesitant, but he’s slow as he reaches out and takes Joshua’s glass too. Joshua lets him, even though he barely had more than a sip of the second pour. His fingers are left a little wet from the condensation, and as soon as the drink is gone, he misses having something to fill his hands.

Seokmin takes a shaky exhale. His hands are polite in his lap, but he’s tugging at one of his belt loops like he’s physically stopping himself from reaching out.

“Hyung,” he starts. “Last time, you wouldn’t… Can’t I? Can’t we– just once? Before I go?”

Joshua presses his lips together.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Joshua watches as Seokmin tries not to flinch, but Joshua knows he probably took it personally. Still, Seokmin doesn’t back down, his fingers curling into the fabric of his jeans.

“Why not?”

Joshua casts his eyes away, a little dismissive. “It’s just messy.”

“It doesn’t have to be. It won’t be. I just really…” He takes a deep breath. “Hyung, please. I’d make it good for you.”

“Oh, would you?” Joshua teases before he can help himself.

It hits a nerve. Seokmin sets his jaw. It’s not surprising, he’s never really liked being toyed with. The problem is, Joshua’s always found it so easy to do exactly that. That’s how it is with Seokmin. Joshua always has fun when he decides to scratch – and he always comes back to lick Seokmin’s wounds. For as fun as he is to tease, he’s even better to soothe. 

“I would,” Seokmin insists. “In the Maldives, I thought we would–”

Really, they did come close. Or closer than they should’ve. After they got out of the hot tub for the last time, they took their time drying off and trailed back inside. Joshua padded into his room, his bare feet on the cold tile. He knew he needed to get in the shower and go right to sleep. Before he could move, Seokmin came up behind him suddenly, wrapping him in a hug.

Joshua was surprised by the touch, stiffening in Seokmin’s hold. Seokmin’s nose pressed against Joshua’s neck.

“Shua-hyung,” Seokmin said, voice sweet. “I’m so glad we came here together.”

“Me too,” Joshua said. Seokmin’s hands laced around his torso for a second, then splayed against his belly. That sharp nose ran over his shoulder, along the nape of his neck, until his mouth settled on Joshua’s shoulder, leaving a kiss there.

Joshua took a sharp inhale.

“Dokyeom-ah.”

“Joshua,” Seokmin whispered, and he left another kiss.

Joshua felt his knees grow a little weak. A shiver wracked his body, sticky with chlorine, Seokmin’s warm hands so intense on his bare skin. He gave himself just a second to feel it, and then he pushed his thumb against one of Seokmin’s wrists.

“Dokyeom-ah,” he repeated. “We should go to bed.”

Seokmin was quick to get the message.

“Ah,” he said, and he let go right away. But when Joshua turned around, he couldn’t help but touch Seokmin again. He laid one hand on his cheek and brushed beneath his eye. Seokmin nearly whimpered, his hands coming to hold Joshua’s hips.

“Hyung,” he let out. He dropped his forehead to rest against Joshua’s, and his nose pressed against Joshua’s cheek, so close their mouths nearly met. Joshua could feel his unsteady breath. “Please.”

Joshua shook his head slowly, knowing he would feel it more than he would see it. He patted Seokmin’s cheek lightly.

“You should sleep.”

Seokmin nodded to himself.

“Yeah, yeah. Okay. You’re right,” he said, and he stepped back with a shudder.

Even though Joshua felt his eyes in the morning, they didn’t talk about it, not even with all those hours unspooling between them on the long flight home.

“You thought we would what?” Joshua presses. And maybe now he’s having a bit of fun with it. He likes watching Seokmin squirm a little. Joshua likes feeling wanted by him. Joshua likes knowing that he has something only he can give. He likes knowing that Seokmin came all the way to Joshua’s place on a work night with a fancy bottle of whiskey just because he thinks he has the chance of finally getting what he’s wanted for a long time now.

“Hyung,” Seokmin says, a little pained, just like the last time. “Please.”

“Ha,” Joshua breathes, amusement pulling at the corner of his lips. “You want something but you can’t even say what it is?”

Seokmin twitches. He lets Joshua bait him. At his core, he likes a challenge. He’s competitive. Their whole team is. It’s the only way any of them made it this far.

“I thought we would hook up,” Seokmin says in a rush. “I thought I would fuck you.”

At the words, Joshua feels his pulse pick up, but he keeps his expression even.

“Is that what you want?”

“Yes. Yes. I just keep looking at you and feeling like I’ll go crazy if I don’t touch you. Do you even realize how you look?”

Joshua cocks his head, coy. “How do I look?”

So many other people wouldn’t put up with Joshua’s provocations, but Seokmin is never anything but earnest, and from what Joshua can tell, there’s nothing Seokmin wouldn’t give to him right now. His answer comes honestly.

“So sexy.” His eyes trail over Joshua’s body, clinging to Joshua’s arms and chest. “In that tank, and the sweats. Before, when your hair was all wet, you looked so hot.”

Joshua can’t help it. He laughs.

“You made me dry it!”

“I would’ve jumped you,” Seokmin says. "And I really didn’t want you to get sick.”

“Mhmm.”

Seokmin’s fingers curl into his jeans again.

“What more do you want me to do?” he breathes. “I’ll get on my knees.”

Joshua’s eyes grow wide. “You don’t–”

But Seokmin is already moving. He slides off the couch and kneels on the floor, wedged in the place between the sofa and the coffee table. His hands come to brace themselves on Joshua’s knees, and he pushes them apart before his touch runs up Joshua’s legs. Joshua has to catch his breath as he looks at him. Seokmin’s thighs are straining in his jeans. His arms are bulging as he grips Joshua’s legs, his biceps thick and tan. One arm is still covered in the fake tattoos from his performance the other day, and Joshua hates the way he likes them. Seokmin looks up at Joshua so desperately, his sweet, earnest eyes blinking like he really would do anything Joshua wants. 

Joshua is already getting hard in his sweats, and he knows it will show. He shifts his hips uselessly, but Seokmin is otherwise occupied anyway. He runs one hand up the length of Joshua’s thigh to brush his fingers along Joshua’s waistband. When his touch reaches the hem of Joshua’s tanktop, he pushes his fingers over Joshua’s hip, exposing the skin there. He presses his forehead to Joshua’s knee, then presses his mouth there, too. 

“Please, hyung. I know it’ll feel good.”

Joshua has to fight for his breath. He bites his lip, a little dizzy from the full force of Seokmin’s desire. 

“You want it that bad?” 

Seokmin lets out a delirious little laugh. 

“I think about you so much. I think about it all the time. You wouldn’t believe– ha.” 

“What do you think about?” Joshua says, and the fact that he asks the question at all serves to tell him his curiosity has gotten the best of him. He gives in just a little, reaching down to touch Seokmin’s hair. He pushes it out of Seokmin’s face with a firm grip, then leaves his hand there, his palm against Seokmin’s cheek, his thumb by the corner of his mouth. 

“I want to show you, Shua-hyung.” Seokmin sucks in another breath, his mouth ghosting over Joshua’s finger before he drops his open mouth over Joshua’s clothed thigh. He keeps moving his lips until he’s halfway up Joshua’s leg, his cheek pressed against his inner thigh. He looks up with flashing eyes. “You’re hard.” 

Joshua feels his ears go red. 

“Mm. Congrats,” Joshua mutters. “You got me.” 

“No,” says Seokmin, squeezing Joshua’s knee. “I’m not teasing you. It’s hot, hyung. I want you to want me. I want–” 

“I do,” Joshua says, quietly, finally. “Want you.” 

“Fuck,” Seokmin says, and his nails dig into Joshua’s hips. “Can I touch you for real?”

“Fine. Just this once.” 

“I know, I know, thank you.” 

Joshua tips his head back. He has to squeeze his eyes shut hearing Seokmin thank him, but he doesn’t leave them closed for very long. It’s hard not to watch Seokmin like this, on the floor, between his legs. He immediately goes to ruck up Joshua’s shirt, exposing his lower abdomen. When he realizes that Joshua isn’t close enough to press his mouth against, he grabs Joshua by the hips and yanks him toward the edge of the couch. Like this, Seokmin can lean all the way forward, and he puts his lips just below Joshua’s navel. Joshua can’t help but let out a quiet moan. Seokmin kisses Joshua's lower stomach while his hands sweep up the sides of Joshua’s ribs. Joshua shivers, already overwhelmed by the way Seokmin is touching him, like he needs to be everywhere he’s thought of at once. 

He dips his fingers beneath Joshua’s waistband, chasing heat. With a slow touch, his hands creep lower like he’s waiting for Joshua to say no. Joshua tips his head back again, but he doesn’t deny him. He doesn’t make another noise at all, so the room fills with just the sound of Joshua’s breathing as Seokmin cups a hand around him, squeezing him over his sweats. 

Seokmin’s hands are big. Joshua knows they’re rough, too, but it feels good even without any direct contact. He only adds a little pressure, but Joshua is fully hard beneath his touch, his knees splayed outward while Seokmin cups him through the fabric. The angle isn’t fully comfortable, so Seokmin blinks up with him as he continues to touch. 

“Can I come back up?” 

Joshua has to smile in disbelief. He hides it with a fond roll of his eyes, but he feels his belly tighten too. He can’t believe how badly Seokmin wants him. 

“You’re asking?” 

Seokmin’s hand tightens a little. “I just want you to feel good.”

“Yes, you can come up.” 

Seokmin rises to sit next to Joshua on the couch, but instead of reaching down again, he leans over Joshua, putting a hand on his cheek. It’s weird to see him without a grin, but Seokmin isn’t smiling at all. No, his eyes are blown black, and his breathing is a little unsteady. He touches the line of Joshua’s jaw and leans closer, his nose brushing Joshua’s cheek. 

He waits, so it’s only after Joshua says, “Do it,” that their mouths meet. 

For as polite as Seokmin has been, he kisses with force. He presses his weight forward until Joshua is leaning back against the cushions again. Seokmin’s fingers press against Joshua’s cheek, his tongue at the seam of Joshua’s lips. Joshua lets him do it – lets him lick into his mouth, lets him take what he wants. 

Seokmin pulls away panting, then drops his mouth to Joshua’s neck, a hand wrapped around his nape. 

“You’re so gorgeous here,” he says, and his breath against wet skin makes Joshua shiver. 

“Ah,” says Joshua, making space for him, “is that one of the things you think about?” 

“Yes,” Seokmin groans. “Kissing your neck.”

Joshua is shuddery beneath him, and Seokmin doesn’t give Joshua a moment to collect himself. He touches over Joshua’s pecs, down his abdomen where his shirt has rucked up again, and this time, he cautiously dips his hot hand beneath Joshua’s sweats. Once he’s in Seokmin’s grip, Joshua can’t help but moan. 

“Yes,” Seokmin whispers against his neck. “That sounds good.” 

His thumb circles over the wet head of Joshua’s cock, his touch still light without anything else to ease the friction. It’s warm, and Seokmin’s hands are big and calloused, and there’s a mouth on his neck. It feels good, it couldn’t not feel good, but Joshua knows it’s not what Seokmin wants. It’s not what either of them wants. 

Seokmin kisses over Joshua’s shoulder as he touches him, and then he peels his hand away and looks at it like he might lick his palm. Joshua stops him with a hand on his wrist and tugs on it to kiss him again. Seokmin almost falls forward when Joshua pulls him, but Joshua doesn’t let him, shifting their positions to push Seokmin into the cushions so he can crawl on top of him. 

Seokmin breaks their kiss to look up at him in surprise, and it’s only when Joshua peers down that he notices Seokmin’s belt and fly are undone. His cock is hard and straining in his briefs. Joshua raises a brow. 

“It hurt.” 

Joshua lowers one of his hands to cup over him. 

“You’re so hard,” he says, and he likes feeling the heat of Seokmin beneath his touch. 

Seokmin bites his lip and exhales through his nose, but Joshua didn’t get on top of him to touch him. If they’re going to do this, he has to be a little selfish, too. He hooks two fingers onto one of the straps of Seokmin’s tanktop and tugs. 

“Take this off.” 

He leans back to make space for him, and Seokmin reacts right away. He peels the tank top off and tosses it aside, leaning back with glimmering eyes once his skin is bare. He looks up like he can’t wait to give himself to Joshua. He looks like he wants Joshua to assess him, to appraise him, and, part of him must know, he really doesn’t leave anything to be desired. Seokmin is big. His chest and arms are toned even at rest. His stomach is flat but soft, and all of him is sturdy, firm – masculine. The sight of him alone makes Joshua need to swallow hard, but to touch him is even better. He traces Seokmin’s chest, his thumb traveling along the ridge of Seokmin’s collarbones. 

“You’re sexy, too.” 

Seokmin tilts his head. It shows off the nice line of his neck and the muscles where it meets his shoulder. 

“Yeah?” 

“Mhm,” says Joshua. He flicks one of the fake tattoos. “These shouldn’t suit you, but they do.” 

“I like yours,” Seokmin says in a rush. “The real ones.” 

“Yeah?” 

Joshua bends the arm with his cross tattoo at the elbow and lifts it, his hand on the back of his head. It makes his bicep flex and his chest swell. His shirt rides up a little too, and Seokmin comes to hold him along the waist, his thumbs trying to meet at the center of Joshua’s back.

“You’re definitely teasing me.” 

“Maybe a little.” 

Joshua rocks his hips forward over Seokmin’s hard length, and Seokmin drops his head to Joshua’s shoulder like he might weep. His hands are restless though, and he slides them down Joshua’s body to cup his ass, squeezing him through his sweats. This touch is the most vulnerable. This is Seokmin. It could make Joshua want to recoil, but it feels too good to shy away from. Joshua can’t deny the way he wants him. 

“Can I fuck you, hyung?”

“What, no please this time?” Joshua jokes, but his voice is mostly air, and he’s sure Seokmin can hear it. 

“Please,” says Seokmin. He puts his wet mouth back on Joshua’s neck and grinds up a little, hands squeezing again. 

Joshua swallows as if anything might help steady him. 

“Okay,” he says at last. “But not here.” 

“In your room?” Seokmin says, genuinely surprised. 

Joshua gives him a look. “You’re not fucking me on this couch.” 

Seokmin blinks and looks around. After a beat, he says, “Okay, actually, yeah, that makes sense,” and it’s so innocently cute Joshua has to stifle a laugh. 

He’s about to climb off of Seokmin’s lap, but Seokmin grabs hold of him and stands, holding him by the thighs. It’s really just to show off, and unfortunately for Joshua, it works a little. Seokmin really has gotten so strong. He holds Joshua for a moment before putting him down. He must know Joshua wouldn’t want to be carried or anything showy like that, but he does flash a grin, and then he gets shy, rubbing the back of his neck. His bicep flexes as he does it, and Joshua has to take a deep breath when he turns away. 

The walk down the hallway is almost enough to undo everything they built up. It’s a little awkward, and it’s definitely vulnerable. Joshua feels strange leading Seokmin to his room like this is a normal hookup, as if Seokmin hasn’t been here dozens of times. He wonders if it’s enough to break the mood. There’s an instant where he’s tempted to call it off, to wave a hand and say never mind, but he knows it’s too late for that, and by then they’re already in his bedroom. 

Seokmin comes to him right away, reaching for the hem of Joshua’s tanktop and pulling it over his head. Joshua likes Seokmin’s hands on him. He likes being stripped by him, likes the way his hands come right back to Joshua’s waist as soon as it’s bare. He trails one hand up to Joshua’s hand, then his neck, and then he leans down ever so slightly to kiss him again. 

It feels so good that Joshua knows he’s a fool for ever thinking that the mood could be broken at all. How could this have been anything other than a long time coming? His made bed beckons him. The dimmed lights cast them in gentle shadows, and the drawn curtains remind them that they truly are alone. 

Joshua breaks their kiss with both hands on Seokmin’s biceps, squeezing once. 

“I need to get ready,” Joshua says, glancing away. “I didn’t think we would…”

It did cross his mind a little. And while he might’ve taken his time in the shower, he wasn’t going to finger himself just in case his dongsaeng might decide that tonight was the night he was going to beg for them to fuck. 

“Can I do it?” 

“Huh?” 

Joshua’s clumsy response leaves his mouth before he can stop it. It’s rare that anyone asks him that, rarer that anyone actually needs to do it. Joshua is usually in a situation where knows what he’s getting, and he always makes sure to come prepared. He’d rather cut to the chase and save both him and his partner the trouble. 

Seokmin steps closer. He runs his hands down Joshua’s bare back and slips his fingers beneath the waistband of his briefs. He squeezes Joshua’s ass, then ghosts his fingers right above where Joshua wants him. He doesn’t apply any pressure, but at even the thought of his touch going any deeper, Joshua feels his stomach clench. 

“I haven’t done it that many times,” says Seokmin honestly. “But I want to.” 

“You told me you’ll make it good.” 

Joshua has no interest in anything fumbling. He’s getting it, he’s getting it how he wants it. 

“I will,” says Seokmin, his fingers drifting. “Come on, Shua.”

Joshua raises a brow. 

“Hyung.” 

“Better,” Joshua says with a click of his tongue. 

He steps away and gets naked. He doesn’t bother to tease. Seokmin seems to have fun watching him anyway. Joshua goes to one of his drawers and pulls out lube, a condom, and a towel, and Seokmin is clever enough to wait until Joshua is looking again to finally strip, too. He drops those jeans to the floor and steps out of his briefs. His cock is heavy, thick and hard between his legs. A little trail of hair is already trying to grow back up his stomach from the last time he had to get rid of it. The muscles of his legs are solid and strong, and Joshua feels his attraction in his gut. He can’t believe how big Seokmin seems like this, can’t believe how much he wants to be beneath him. 

Joshua gets on the bed, propping himself up on his forearms to watch Seokmin come to him. Seokmin kneels on the mattress and makes sure Joshua knows how desired he is. The look in his eyes is so intense and lustful that it’s impossible for Joshua to feel anything but confident. 

Seokmin brushes a hand up Joshua’s leg, so he lies back against the pillows. Seokmin grabs hold of one of his arms and extends it, and Joshua doesn’t realize what Seokmin is doing until he looks, his fingers brushing over the fine line of his tattoo. 

“You really like it, huh? 

“You’re so sexy.” Seokmin says this in a breathless rush, like he can’t believe his mouth even gets to form the words. He leans down to kiss between Joshua’s pecs, down his abdomen, and then his hands spread Joshua’s legs. Joshua’s knees rise up naturally, and when Seokmin sees him like that, he swears. “Fuck, look at you.”

“You should be touching me,” Joshua says. 

Seokmin fumbles around for the lube. 

“You have to tell me if it doesn’t feel good.” 

Joshua knits his eyebrows, unimpressed. “Are you really gonna break your promise like that, Dokyeom-ah?” 

Seokmin swallows. “No, I’ll be–”

He exhales and cuts himself off, opening the lube to spread it over his fingers. He rubs circles over Joshua’s entrance once it’s warm, and then, pushing a finger in, he confesses, “I thought about this, too.” 

Joshua can’t think of anything to say in response to that, even if he itches with curiosity. What else has been going on in Lee Seokmin’s head? He doesn’t let himself dwell on it. He’s relaxed, and even though he’s not as hard as he was before, Seokmin does know how to touch him. He’s cautious and gentle, but he’s reactive, watching Joshua’s face for every expression. His first gentle finger shifts into a confident touch that reaches exactly the right place, and his other hand reaches up to play with Joshua’s chest. Seokmin tweaks Joshua’s nipple, and when Joshua squirms, Seokmin even dares to look a little smug about it. He shouldn’t be losing focus. 

“Another one,” Joshua tells him. 

“Yeah?” 

“And kiss me.”

Seokmin bites back a pleased smile. 

“Shua?” 

Joshua doesn’t want to give him the satisfaction, so he turns his head into the pillow and mutters, “You’re good with your tongue.” 

It makes Seokmin whimper a little. 

He fingers Joshua as he kisses him, and he’s better at doing both at once than Joshua thought he would be. Maybe it’s just a product of their work. They’ve trained their bodies to be able to multiask, so it should be no wonder that Seokmin knows how to use his hands and his mouth at the same time. Joshua likes that he gets it all – Seokmin’s tongue in his mouth, moving in smooth, slow strokes, and Seokmin’s fingers between his legs, thick fingers stretching him out. Seokmin likes it wet, so the sounds of the room are a little filthy, but when Seokmin puts a third finger in and twists them right, Joshua moans loudly, his hand curled tight around Seokmin’s nape. 

“Yeah?” Seokmin says, grinning, still kissing him. “Yeah?” 

Joshua hates how happy Seokmin sounds about it. Joshua hates how much he likes it, being egged on like that. 

“Yeah,” he repeats. “Shit.”

“Does it feel good, hyung?” Seokmin starts to babble. “It feels so good to touch you like this. I could make you come just from this.”

“Don’t,” Joshua says through gritted teeth. “Don’t you dare.”

“Sorry,” says Seokmin, still smiling. “I got carried away.” He keeps touching Joshua anyway, dipping his fingers back in and running them over Joshua’s wet hole until he’s forced to yank Seokmin’s hand away. 

“You like it too much. Pervert.” 

Shameless, Seokmin replies, “I do like it too much.” 

He wipes his hands and grabs a condom. Joshua watches the flexion of his hands as he rolls it over his cock, up on his knees. Above him, Seokmin looms, hard and big and all for him. Joshua has to hold back a gasp when Seokmin slots his hands behind his knees, pushing his legs up. He doesn’t quite fold Joshua in half, but he exposes him, lining himself up. The tip of his cock brushes Joshua’s wet entrance just to tease, and he pushes in slow. 

“Fuck,” Seokmin groans. He lets go of Joshua’s legs so Joshua can wrap them around him, and then he leans over Joshua’s body. Their chests brush, and his forearms cage Joshua’s head. 

He starts off with a slow roll of his hips. It’s good. It’s really good. Joshua can’t deny how good it is. He gets to wrap his arms around Seokmin’s broad, build frame and explore the muscles of his back while Seokmin grinds deep into him. He plunges deep and slow, like he wants to feel the wet warmth for as long as he can. Joshua claws at him, and he’s sure even his short nails are enough to leave red lines along his shoulder blades. 

Joshua, finally on the other side of the one he drew. 

When he’s gotten enough of a taste, Seokmin picks up the pace, rolling his hips faster. Sweat gathers at his brow and temples, and he brushes his nose against Joshua’s until they kiss. They only break once his hips start to rabbit, his breath too shaky to kiss properly. 

“Wait,” Seokmin breathes, and Joshua whines when he slows down. “Wait, wait, there’s more that I want. Can we– This way. It’ll feel good this way. Hyung, do you like it like that? Then I can see you, your body.” 

He pulls out to shift Joshua onto his side, moving one of Joshua’s knees until it’s bent forward. Seokmin lies on his side too, leaning over him, teasing his cock over Joshua’s hole again. 

“It’s good, right? Fuck, you’re so hot.” 

He runs a hand up Joshua’s body, tracing his thigh, over his ass, lingering at the dip of his hip. 

“Yeah, I like it like this.” 

He likes Seokmin behind him. Hovering over him like this, he feels so much bigger. When Seokmin pushes back in, one hand curls around Joshua’s waist, and Joshua splays out his arm to show off his tattoo, just to get Seokmin to look at him more. Seokmin bites into his shoulder as he thrusts deeper, hitting exactly the spot where Joshua needs it. He gives it to Joshua until Joshua’s brow goes tight and his voice begins to rise, saying, “Seokmin-ah, make me come first. Touch me, touch me.” 

Seokmin scrambles to do as he asks, so he picks up Joshua by the waist and maneuvers him onto his hands and knees. Like this, he fucks Joshua hard, jerking him off between his legs. His other hand paws at Joshua’s chest until Joshua comes into his fist, Seokmin fucking him hard until the end. At the last second, he rips off the condom to finish over the small of Joshua’s back, his thumb pressing rubbing over Joshua’s still clenching hole. 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” he gasps, his fingers curling into Joshua’s skin. He takes a shuddery breath, barely able to collect himself. “Sorry, hyung. I should clean you up. I got carried away.”

“It’s okay,” says Joshua, sinking into the bed. “That was really hot.” 

“Ah,” Seokmin mumbles. “Good.” 

Joshua feels the towel wipe his back before being tossed to the floor, and then Seokmin flops unceremoniously next to him, starfishing as much as he can with Joshua beside him. It takes a lot of energy for Joshua to roll over, but when he does, it’s to the sight of Seokmin’s chest still rising and falling hard. 

“So, can you check me off your list now?”

Seokmin’s eyes go wide. 

“Shua-hyung!” he whines, grabbing Joshua’s wrist. “It wasn’t that. You’re not a box on my list. I just couldn’t think straight anymore. I was going crazy.”

“What put you over the edge?”

Seokmin wriggles one of his ankles against the duvet. “I don’t know,” he says honestly. “Maybe that I’m leaving soon?” He laughs. “I kind of feel like I've been over the edge for a long time. This was just the first chance I got. I wasn't even sure…”

“Sure what?”

“That you wanted me too.”

“Ha,” says Joshua. “You’re funny.”

Seokmin frowns. “I’m serious!”

“I’m sure,” says Joshua, and pats his cheek. “Just be glad you were wrong then.”

“You know,” Seokmin mutters, “ I wasn’t expecting this to be your pillow talk.”

Joshua sends him a sickly sweet smile. “I’ll be cuter if you go get my whiskey from the other room.”

“The ice probably melted.”

“There’s an easy solution to that.”

Seokmin waits, but Joshua is serious. And he’s definitely not getting up any time soon. 

“Really?”

“Think about my back, Dokyeom-ah.”

He didn’t exactly hold back at the end. 

“Ah,” says Seokmin, and he leans over Joshua again, blinking slowly. With a tentative hand, like he’s not sure if he’s supposed to be doing it anymore, he touches Joshua’s hip. “Sorry.” 

Joshua stretches his arms over his head. “Are you kidding? It was good.” 

“Yeah?” says Seokmin cautiously.

“Mm,” says Joshua, lazy. He reaches around Seokmin’s nape to pull him for another kiss. “Relax. You better not be freaking out.”

“I’m not,” Seokmin says, but Joshua knows he was, a second ago. 

“Good.”

Seokmin exhales. 

“Yeah. Good.”

Joshua leaves a soothing kiss to his jaw. 

“When I shower again, this time you have to dry my hair for me. I’m not doing that twice in one night.” 

And Seokmin laughs, dropping his forehead onto Joshua’s chest until they both shake with it. 

“Deal.”