Chapter Text
May, 2015
Ilya didn’t know whether Shane would come home. He felt guilty for driving Shane out of what was definitely Shane’s apartment, no matter how much it had come to feel like home and safety and comfort to Ilya. He’d pulled out his suitcases and made a short, half-hearted attempt to start packing, then given up. He was too tired to deal with it, and probably Shane would get a hotel room or something for the night. Most likely, Shane was out picking up a girl and moving on from Ilya, if their relationship had even been serious enough to move on from.
And in the meantime, Ilya was still here lying on the couch, right where Shane left him, nursing a broken heart, and fingering his necklace through his shirt. Once again, he wished he hadn’t left all his cigarettes in Boston, or that he’d given in to temptation and let himself buy some here in Montreal, because fuck, he needed a smoke.
He wondered what he had left to live for, without hockey, without his family, facing a future of progressive disability, when the only person he’d ever fallen in love with had thrown him away like he meant nothing.
It wasn’t Shane’s fault that Ilya didn’t have anything to offer. Shane could do so much better than him. Shane was perfect in every way possible, and Ilya was only himself. The future stretched ahead of him, long and lonely and meaningless. There were bright spots - Marly, Svetlana, his cup ring, maybe - but the rest was dreary and grey.
And yet, leaving was the right thing to do. The alternative was spending every day blinded by the sunshine that haloed Shane, and knowing that he would never earn its warmth for himself, never actually be loved in the way he craved. If he left, his broken heart might eventually heal. Maybe he could find someone else to love, to start his own family with, be a better father to his children than his own had been to him and Alexei. His children would know every day that he loved them, that they were perfect just the way they were, that they were all the joy in his life and his reason for living.
He hadn’t been good enough to earn that himself as a child, but he would make sure not to pass that pain on.
Maybe he shouldn’t have children, because there was more pain in his life than just his childhood. There was his father’s dementia, which ran in the family, and his mother’s mental health, which he could feel sometimes, sitting in his own mind, sending him into the darkness. And now there was the disease that was robbing him of his own body. It wouldn’t be fair to bring a child into the world and doom them to a life like Ilya’s.
Ilya picked up his phone and opened his message thread with Svetlana, but he didn’t know what to say. He wanted to tell her that he’d fucked up, that he didn’t know what to do, but separating from Shane wasn’t a mistake, and he knew exactly what he needed to do, he just didn’t like it.
Instead of texting her, Ilya searched for flights back to Boston. There were several the next day that would be doable, and he clicked on them one after the other, trying to work out which was the best deal. He knew he was procrastinating. It wasn’t like he was hurting for money. He debated between an earlier flight and a later one. The earlier one would give him more chance of avoiding Shane, which made the later one more appealing. He didn’t want to leave things as they were, without talking to Shane and at least trying to stay friends-
And that was exactly what he shouldn’t do. Ilya steeled himself and pressed the button to book the earlier flight. He forwarded the confirmation email to Svetlana, then switched over to his texts with her.
Ilya: I’m coming home tomorrow. Can you pick me up at the airport?
Her reply came a few minutes later.
Svetlana: Of course. Is Hollander coming with you?
He sighed and scrubbed his hand across his face.
Ilya: No. We broke up. I’m coming back to Boston to stay.
Svetlana: What happened? I thought you were happy.
Ilya: I realised that he’ll break my heart.
Ilya: He’ll never love me the way I love him.
Ilya: And I’ll ruin his life if he comes out for me.
He watched the three bouncing dots appear and disappear several times before her next message came through.
Svetlana: I’m sorry, Ilyusha. It’s probably for the best. You deserve to be loved.
Ilya: I just wish things could be different.
Svetlana: I know. I’ll get lots of horrible food and you can tell me all about it when I see you tomorrow.
Ilya wanted to ask her what was wrong with him, what made him so difficult to love. His father and brother hadn’t shown him love. Shane liked him, but wasn’t able to return his feelings. He knew that Svetlana loved him, and he clung to that like it was his lifeline, but it wasn’t the type of love that he needed in that moment. He put his phone down with a sigh.
It had been an overwhelming day, and Ilya was exhausted. He should pack, he should organise transport to the airport. He should eat something, shower, take care of himself. He should undo his necklace and take Shane’s ring off, so he didn’t take it with him, because he didn’t have any right to keep it after this. He should tidy and clean, so that when he left the apartment it was nice for Shane, not another mess for him to clean up. Ilya had already been enough of a plague upon Shane’s life.
But the tiredness was real, and he couldn’t face the effort it would take to get up from his position on the sofa. He wished someone were here to help him, that he could bury his face in the pillow again and say it’s too much, I can’t do this alone right now. But Shane was the person he wanted there. It was Shane that he wanted to be beside him, asking how do I make this easier for you? It was Shane that he’d given up and forced away, and Ilya knew he’d never find anyone else who fit with him so well.
Ilya wasn’t sure how much later it was when he was woken by the scrape of the key in the door. He stretched and yawned, then dropped back down again as the memories of the day came back to him. He wondered whether he should already have left, whether Shane expected that he would be gone by now, whether Shane would be angry that he hadn’t done anything other than sit and mope.
Well, not nothing. He had his plane ticket.
‘Shane,’ Ilya began, as the door opened. ‘I booked-’
‘Hi,’ Shane interrupted, closing the door behind him. He had a paper bag in one hand that he put on the kitchen counter. ‘You’re still here.’
‘Flight is tomorrow,’ Ilya told him. ‘Morning. Is best thing.’
‘Is… is it really what you want?’ Shane asked, coming over to the sofa.
Ilya drew his legs up so that Shane could sit, and resisted the urge to pull himself against Shane’s body. ‘Of course isn’t what I want,’ he said tiredly, and sighed. ‘But is necessary.’
‘Okay,’ Shane said, nodding awkwardly. ‘But I want to talk first, and then if you still think you need to leave, I won’t stop you.’
‘Talk, then,’ Ilya told him. ‘But, Shane, is-’
‘No, just listen,’ Shane insisted. ‘Ilya, just shut up for a bit. I need to tell you something important.’
‘Get on with it, then,’ Ilya grumbled.
Shane shifted his weight. ‘I went for a walk to clear my head,’ he began. ‘And I got hungry, so I went into this restaurant bar place, and I met a girl.’
‘A girl,’ Ilya said flatly, his stomach dropping. He’d thought he’d made peace with not having Shane, but the confirmation that Shane had already moved on hurt more than he’d expected. ‘Was very beautiful, this girl?’
‘Well, yeah, she is, actually,’ Shane said, and Ilya could see him smiling. ‘Her name’s Rose, she’s an actress.’
‘Very famous actress?’ Ilya asked. ‘Sounds perfect for you.’
‘Yeah, it was nice,’ Shane said. ‘We had dinner together. I brought the leftovers back for you.’
‘Not hungry,’ Ilya told him, and it was true. He’d lost any appetite he’d had when Shane had arrived back.
Shane shrugged. ‘I’ll stick it in the fridge for later, then. It doesn’t matter. Anyway, I was talking to Rose. She’s really nice, and I realised that part of the reason I didn’t like the idea of coming out is because it’s the league’s plan, it’s not something we can control and decide on.’
‘Is no need to come out now,’ Ilya reminded him. ‘Is no ‘we’ any more, Hollander.’
Shane rolled his eyes. ‘I’m trying to tell you the story,’ he groused. ‘The point is that I told Rose about us.’
‘You trust her?’ Ilya asked sharply. ‘Shane, she could tell everyone.’
‘I know, but I don’t think she will. She’s been in movies, she’s used to keeping secrets,’ Shane said. ‘And it felt good to be able to talk about it. I’m not ashamed of you, or us, or what we do together, I just want… I’ve spent my whole life giving everything to the league. I follow their diet plans. I have like two weeks off a year because Mom sets up endorsements and stuff. I socialise with the team and I’m a good captain and I don’t get in fights on the ice - much, anyway - and none of it’s me. I don’t choose where to live and I can’t have pets and sometimes it feels like there’s nothing of me left inside, I’m just a shell who plays hockey and smiles for the camera.’
‘Golden boy,’ Ilya commented, but he thought he understood. His own reputation wasn’t anything like Shane’s, which had helped the appearance of their rivalry, but at the end of the day, he, too, knew where the lines were, and he didn’t cross them.
‘So I told Rose,’ Shane continued. ‘I told her about you, and us, and what it’s like being with you, and she’s beautiful and really nice and I enjoyed talking to her, but the other thing I realised is that no matter how perfect she would be for me, she isn’t you. I wasn’t going to fall in love with her.’
Hope blossomed in Ilya’s chest, but he pushed it down ruthlessly. ‘Why not?’ he asked. ‘Is too hard, with two of you travelling?’
Shane gave him a look that indicated Ilya was being stupid. ‘No, because I’m gay,’ he snapped. Then he let out a long breath. ‘So, uh, there’s that.’
‘But you had girlfriends,’ Ilya said, surprised. He reached out with one foot and rubbed Shane’s thigh, and Shane took hold of his ankle and held it tight.
‘Yeah, and they were all nice,’ Shane said. ‘But, I guess it never really felt right, you know? It was just friends, and sex, and the sex wasn’t all that great, it was something I did because they liked it. It was… like a chore, not something I wanted for myself.’
‘And you realised this talking to Rose?’ Ilya asked.
‘Yeah, she was basically perfect, and I didn’t feel anything for her, not like that,’ Shane said. ‘And she asked me… well, she was asking if it was different with you, and I realised that it is different, you’re different. I haven’t felt like this with anyone else. I haven’t wanted anyone else like I want you. With you, I’m happy, and it feels good, and I really like sleeping with you and touching you and waking up with you, and I think this might be what love is, I just didn’t know.’
Ilya could feel tears pricking at his eyes again. ‘Shane,’ he said softly.
‘I love you,’ Shane said firmly, turning to look straight at Ilya. ‘I think I have for a long time. I’m gay, and I was hiding from myself, and I’m in love with you. I’m not hiding any more. This is who I am, and I want to tell everyone that I’m yours, because I can’t imagine feeling this way about anyone else, ever. I want you to be mine.’
‘I’m yours,’ Ilya said, surging forward and capturing Shane’s face in his hands, pulling him in for a kiss. ‘I’ve always been yours,’ he whispered into Shane’s lips.
‘I’m sorry it took me so long,’ Shane told him. ‘I never wanted to hurt you.’
Ilya kissed him deeply, because there was nothing else he could do. He thought that the kiss tasted sweeter than usual, but perhaps the difference, as he licked into Shane’s mouth, was a lack of bitterness and regret. He’d never held back with Shane, not from their first time in that hotel room, but now he knew that Shane wasn’t holding back either, and that he wasn’t imagining the love between them.
‘I can’t believe I nearly lost you,’ Shane said softly.
His fingers buried themselves in Ilya’s hair, and pressed Ilya’s face down into Shane’s chest. Ilya let it happen. ‘I’m not going anywhere,’ he promised. ‘Never leaving you again.’ He meant it, too. He didn’t know what the future would hold, or what would happen next season when he was playing again, but he knew he wanted to be with Shane, to hold him and love him, to keep back the darkness together. With Shane, Ilya’s future could be happy, even if Ilya’s body continued to betray him and he missed his family and things were never perfect.
But this between them was all he needed.
‘Let’s go to bed,’ Ilya said, pushing himself up and taking Shane’s hand in his. He pulled Shane up from the sofa, making him laugh. Ilya couldn’t stop smiling at Shane, and Shane was grinning back, as they walked each other into the bedroom. They were touching; their hands together, their bodies brushing together, their legs tangling, like they were trying to take up the same space, like they were two halves who were finally made whole.
Ilya had thought he’d loved Shane before, but now that it was something he could show, it was so much more intense, consuming, a bubble of joy bursting inside him.
He pushed Shane down on the bed and knelt over him. ‘What do you want?’ he asked.
Shane was already fumbling with Ilya’s waistband. ‘You,’ he said, as he pulled at Ilya’s underwear.
Ilya backed off and helped Shane take his own trousers and shoes off. Socks on, because Shane always left his socks on. Shane tried to sit up, and Ilya used one hand to keep him down, enjoying the thrill of Shane’s muscles moving under his fingers, knowing from the look on Shane’s face that he also loved it.
He let Shane up enough to strip his shirt, and Ilya used the time to get naked, too. Once his own clothing was clear, he stared down at Shane, at the flawless golden skin, the curved pecs with their dark nipples, the flat stomach, that perfect cock, heavy and eager. He looked up again at Shane’s face, and saw he’d stopped smiling, and was looking at Ilya intently.
‘Is okay?’ Ilya asked, suddenly worried.
‘How did I not know?’ Shane asked, his voice filled with wonder. ‘Ilya, it’s… it’s so much. Is love supposed to feel like this?’
‘I think only if you are very lucky,’ Ilya said softly. He knew exactly what was happening to Shane, because he felt the same. He wanted to dwell in the sensation, of loving and being loved, let it possess him entirely, but he thought if he did he wouldn’t survive it, so instead he lowered himself to taste Shane, licking and kissing his skin, working his way down to take Shane’s cock into his mouth.
Ilya liked blowing Shane, liked the softness of his skin and the hardness beneath, the weight and pressure on his tongue, the seeping precum from the tip which always seemed like a reward. He liked teasing little noises from him, gasps and moans of pleasure, liked seeing the way Shane lost himself in the sensations. The first time they’d slept together, Ilya had thought that Shane would be as buttoned up and strict in bed as he was in his public life, and it had been a surprise - a wonderful surprise - to see Shane let his walls down, to see him give himself over to the pleasure. Over the years, Ilya had watched as Shane got more comfortable, more sure of himself and Ilya together, until they knew each others’ bodies as well as their own.
And now they had this, and something that Ilya had thought couldn’t be better, was.
He sucked Shane until he was squirming under him, needy and impatient, then reached for the now-familiar drawer and pulled out the lube and a condom.
‘Do we need that?’ Shane asked.
Ilya looked at the bottle of lube in confusion. ‘If you want to be fucked, yes,’ he said.
Shane gave a sigh. ‘No, the condom,’ he clarified. ‘I mean, we’re not sleeping with anyone else, are we? And I’ve been tested all through the season, and I’m clean. If you wanted to go without.’
Ilya stared at him, mind blank. He’d never considered it. But it was true he hadn’t even thought about being with anyone else, not for months. ‘They did lots of tests on me,’ he said slowly, considering the idea. ‘Blood tests, swabs, made sure I have no infections before giving me medicine. I’m clean too.’
‘I want to feel you,’ Shane breathed. ‘You in me, nothing between us. I want you to come in me.’
‘Da, yes, I want too,’ Ilya said, his dick harder than it had ever been at the thought. He hadn’t done that since he was at the height of his reckless teen years with Sasha, not thinking about consequences.
He thought about consequences now, as worked his slippery fingers into Shane’s hole and opened him up. He thought about how long they’d been doing this and how well he’d learned to bring Shane pleasure. He thought about all the things that could go wrong - with their relationship, with the sex, with the league and coming out - and decided he didn’t care. It was all worth it. Nothing could hurt him more than losing Shane, and nothing could bring him greater happiness than he felt now.
At last, he withdrew his fingers and lined his cock up with Shane’s entrance. It felt strange for his dick to be bare in his hand, but it also felt so right as he slid his grip up and down his own shaft to spread the lube around. ‘Ready?’ he asked.
‘Always,’ Shane murmured, and Ilya could see the warmth in his brown eyes.
Ilya pushed in carefully. The grip of Shane’s body around him was overwhelming, the velvety texture too much, the warmth of him sending Ilya perilously close to coming on his first thrust. He didn’t remember it feeling like this before, but perhaps his memories were dulled by time and alcohol.
Or perhaps it was just that much better with Shane.
Once he was fully in, he had to pause, waiting out the rush of sensation. He needed to close his eyes, because the sight of his cock buried in Shane’s ass with nothing between them was one of the hottest things he’d ever seen, but it was impossible to look away. He didn’t want to miss a moment of it.
But he could feel Shane getting impatient under him, hips jerking with little movements as he tried to rock himself against Ilya’s cock. ‘Hurry up,’ Shane said, sounding strained. ‘I need you, Ilya.’
‘I might not last,’ Ilya warned him, but even as he said it he was starting to push in and out, because there was no way he could hear Shane sound like that and not give him anything he wanted. He caught the rhythm, pumping into Shane, trying to make it good, but not so good that he lost control too quickly. There was a fine line to be ridden, and Ilya tried to keep the balance. He varied his speed, slowing whenever he got too close to the edge. Shane’s moans under him made it worse. He could see Shane’s face, twisted in pleasure, and loved that he was doing this, he was making Shane lose control of himself. He reached down to adjust their position, hooking Shane’s knees over his shoulders and lifting his ass up from the bed. Shane gasped and his eyes flew open when Ilya thrust again.
‘Holy fuck,’ Shane said. ‘Why does that feel so good?’
‘Is me and you,’ Ilya replied, taking Shane’s cock in hand and stroking it. ‘Is always perfect.’
‘Yeah, but-’ Shane didn’t get any more out before he was coming, thick white spurts landing across his chest and dribbling down Ilya’s hand. Ilya could feel him clenching around his cock, and the sensation of it bare was indescribably good. He didn’t think he’d ever get enough of Shane, of this. Ilya let go of Shane’s cock and used both hands to steady Shane’s hips, smearing the mess further across his skin, and began pounding in earnest.
It only took a few strokes before his orgasm was on him, hitting hard, and he buried himself in Shane’s welcoming depths. The sensation of coming in him with no barrier between them, shooting his load into Shane’s body, knowing that his seed, his essence, some part of him would stay inside Shane, satisfied some primal part of him that he hadn’t acknowledged before.
Even as he felt his dick soften, Ilya didn’t want to pull out. It was a perfect moment, and he wanted to etch every part of it onto his memory forever, because even if he was lucky enough to have this every day - and maybe he was that lucky, since Shane loved him too - he never wanted to forget the happiness and love that he felt now.
He lowered himself gently on top of Shane, careful not to let his dick fall out of him, and he felt Shane’s arms come up around him. He didn’t care that their bodies were sandwiching the cooling mess between them, even though he knew that Shane would insist on moving soon.
‘We’re definitely doing that again,’ Shane murmured. ‘That was amazing.’
Ilya pressed little kisses to Shane’s chin, his neck, his collarbone. ‘It was,’ he agreed. ‘You’re mine now.’
‘I know,’ Shane agreed. ‘And you’re mine.’ He used one finger to trace the line of Ilya’s necklace. ‘You’re never leaving me,’ he said.
‘Never,’ Ilya promised.
They lay there for a moment longer, then Ilya felt Shane tense under him.
‘Off, now,’ Shane ordered, pushing Ilya away.
Ilya complied, easing his cock out of Shane’s hole. ‘What is wrong? Are you okay?’ he asked.
Shane shook his head, eyes closed tightly. ‘Get me a towel,’ he said urgently. ‘I can’t move.’
Ilya levered himself off the bed and did as he was told, laughing gently to himself.
Shane reheated the remnants of the chicken parm for Ilya. They were both showered and fresh, and it was late, but neither of them were sleepy yet.
He couldn’t stop thinking about how good it had felt to have Ilya inside him without the condom. If he’d known it would be like that, he would have insisted they be exclusive from the start.
Well, probably not, because they only saw each other a few times a year, and it wouldn’t have been fair to Ilya to ask him to stop seeing other people. Shane himself wouldn’t have minded. In hindsight, he probably would have been glad that he didn’t have to keep pretending to date women.
He couldn’t believe how much his life had changed in the last few hours.
In the morning, he’d text Rose, and tell her that it had all gone perfectly. He probably needed to send her flowers or something too, unless that would be weird. He didn’t think it would be weird, and hopefully Ilya wouldn’t mind. He didn’t want to start this new phase to their relationship by accidentally making Ilya jealous.
Although that could be fun, perhaps, if he did it deliberately later. He bet jealous Ilya would be amazing in bed. He’d mark Shane up, so everyone would know that Shane was his. And Shane would mark Ilya, too, scratch his back maybe, or bite his shoulder. Ilya wouldn’t forget who he belonged to, not again.
And both of them would enjoy playing their parts, even though Shane knew that neither of them would ever actually think of cheating. They were too connected, too good together for that.
Shane hadn’t thought that he’d ever have this much happiness in his life.
That night, they finally lay together in bed. Shane was asleep, and Ilya was the little spoon, with his back snug against Shane’s chest, and Shane’s breath whispered against the shell of Ilya’s ear.
Ilya didn’t think he’d ever been so happy, but he could still feel the darkness lurking inside him.
Shane had come to a big realisation today, coming out as gay to himself and to Ilya and to this… Rose. It was a huge change, and Ilya was proud, because Shane was incredibly brave to face his fears. Ilya still couldn’t quite believe that Shane thought Ilya was worth it, but he was so very lucky.
And if Shane was able to look inside himself and accept the truth, then Ilya could do the same. Winning the cup had been his happiest moment up until then, and it hadn’t been enough. Marrying Shane, and now loving Shane, being with him, promising each other the rest of their lives, was incredible, and Ilya felt like he was floating, but he could still feel the weight in his chest, and knew that the joy wouldn’t last.
Shane was worth living for, but in the time when he’d thought that it was over between them, Ilya hadn’t seen a good future for himself. He didn’t think he’d ever do what his mother had done, but he had felt the seed of it then, and that wasn’t the first time, and it wouldn’t be the last. He’d never seen hurting himself as a solution, but he’d known that if he were pressed, it was something that could drift into his mind, a temptation only visible when all other lights were out.
And that wasn’t good. He couldn’t live his life as a burden to Shane. He couldn’t make Shane responsible for his happiness, his survival, his safety. He had to want to live for himself. He needed more than this. He wanted to bring joy to Shane too, not drag him down. He needed to bring his best self into their life together, not this wreck that he’d become.
Ilya rolled over, drawing a sleeping complaint from Shane. He shook Shane’s shoulder lightly. ‘Are you awake?’ he asked.
‘I am now,’ Shane grumbled. ‘Ilya, it’s the middle of the night. Are you okay?’
‘I don’t think so,’ Ilya whispered. ‘Shane, I need help.’
‘What with? What’s wrong?’ Shane sounded more alert now. ‘Ilya, you’re scaring me.’
‘I’m scaring myself too,’ Ilya admitted. ‘Is just… I think something is wrong with me, in my head or… or in my heart, the way I feel things.’
‘What do you mean?’ Shane’s hand came up to rub Ilya’s shoulder.
‘Maybe I’m depressed,’ Ilya said, struggling to get the words out. ‘I think maybe… maybe I should talk to someone. Get help, so problem can be fixed.’
‘You aren’t a problem,’ Shane said fiercely. ‘You’re never a problem, Ilya.’
‘Thank you,’ Ilya said, swallowing. ‘But I might need your help, Shane. In daylight, does not seem so bad. But tomorrow, if is okay, we can look together at options, make booking.’
‘Together,’ Shane said. ‘I won’t let you back out.’
And Ilya just nodded, grateful that at least one of them thought that he was worth taking care of.