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There was a saying in human culture, or maybe a specific culture, whatever. Ryland couldn't care less where it came from.
The saying said something about blood, about family always being connected by the DNA that made up your flesh and bone. There was something about the hearts and how they would beat for each other across great distances. Or maybe he was thinking about the one where you'd see something or someone when you die, like your life flashing before your eyes.
Ryland didn't have the luxury of dwelling over deep, emotional sayings that would seep into his memory as it slowly came back to him. He had two worlds to save, a best friend to entertain and learn all about. He spent most of his time hunched over microscopes and monitors trying to figure out the Astrophage problem.
Once it was solved, and he was living happily and healthily on Erid, he had time. Infinite amounts of it, actually.
He spent a lot of time watching movies, as it was the only way he could see other humans. He spent a lot of time with Rocky and Adrian, with the latter being a clingy little bugger ever since they arrived on Erid. He didn’t like letting other Eridian scientists getting too close to Ryland for reasons other than strictly medical, and Rocky took his health very seriously after the trip to Erid. He was jealous and overbearing and it warmed Ryland's heart even more.
But even still, there was a deep ache in his chest. It was the same as the ache he felt once he remembered he did not volunteer for the mission, how his cowardly self had to be dragged kicking and screaming before eventually being sedated against his will. That never failed to spring tears to his eyes, and he would force himself to stop thinking about it to save him some sanity.
The ache cut him deeply, down to his soul. He didn't even know whether or not he believed in having souls or biblical things or religion, but there was something dire he was forgetting. Damn Stratt. Damn her for that stupid amnesia drug. Or maybe it was the coma that took some of his memories permanently.
It allowed him the mercy of remembering the important things: his kids, how he got into the Astrophage problem, the meetings with the crew to be launched into space. Every time he walked along the sand, however, his heart ached so painfully it nearly sent him to his knees. What was so important about the sand? Was it because it was the closest thing to Earthly soil he'd ever feel again? Was it the homesickness striking at full force?
Ryland had been on Erid for a total of thirty human years, growing older and weaker. His hair had almost completely lost its golden hue. His skin was wrinkling with laughter lines from teaching, from continuing to make his way through the endless catalog of movies the Hail Mary was equipped with. The skin around the scar Rocky's claw left behind ached and tugged painfully if Ryland forgot to apply moisturizer. Erid's gravity didn't make him feel like a seventy-two year old man, but a fossil ready to croak at any moment.
Rocky didn't like the changes, but he always worried. Especially because Ryland's joints and bones had started to buckle under the planet's intense gravity, leaving him bound to a wheelchair to get around long distances. Usually, if he wanted to go down to the beach, Rocky and Adrian would tag along so he could be easily transported around. He only wanted to go to the beach whenever the ache came back, because the beach seemed like the closest thing to an answer and he was desperate to know what it was that he forgot.
He had been talking with Rocky and Adrian about what he wanted them to do with his things and his body when he… you know, when the itch in the back of his head intensified. He had tried to physically quell the itch but it didn't work. A sharp pain shot through his skull and he doubled over in the wheelchair. It was just like when he first woke up aboard Mary, when he calculated how long it would take to get home.
He was remembering something. It had been a long time since remembering was as painful as a splitting headache.
He saw himself as a child running around in a fenced in backyard, holding a large bubble wand and giggling.
He saw himself in different clothes running beside him.
That didn't make sense. Why were there two of him?
"You don't have any immediate family, not even a dog."
Tears flowed like rivers down his face. His heart stuttered in his chest.
Two versions of himself brushed their teeth while looking at each other in the mirror.
Two teens stood side by side, getting pictures with their diplomas.
Two men with identical faces and slightly different eyes walked around a place with a bunch of cameras. A movie set.
One man sat hunched in a dining hall in a facility built for Project Hail Mary, watching the TV above the bar display a news broadcast telling the suicide of a Hollywood stuntman.
Ryland's heart snapped into two and he didn’t even know about it.
One half still rested in his chest. The other sat millions of miles away on a planet he could never return to, probably buried in soil he could never touch.
Ryland Grace had never felt such a surge of grief before, realizing that Stratt was right and wrong at the same time. Ryland Grace had a brother, a twin brother, the other half of his entire being. And he was dead before Ryland even left the Earth.
His brain did him a favor by allowing him to live freely without the knowledge of his late brother. It certainly saved him from decades of heartbreak and depression, but it only made the two hit him full force after nearly forty years of not remembering why he felt so weird when looking at his reflection.
Now he knew why, and it nearly killed him.
Rocky and Adrian had quickly contacted Erid's assigned doctors for him when he continued to be unresponsive. The doctors found him kneeling in the sand, wailing uncontrollably with the name of his forgotten brother spewing from his tongue like a mantra. He didn't register how fast his heart was beating or how unhealthy that was, nor did he register the spots dancing in his vision.
The doctors took him to the room he woke up in when he arrived on Erid all those years ago. They still kept it for him just in case. Rocky made worried noises by his side the entire time the doctors checked on him, wondering why Ryland couldn't stop crying and why he couldn't physically bring himself to move or talk.
His heart was too heavy, being torn between two worlds.
And what of the other person in his fuzzy memories? The older one who shared similar facial features as the twins?
Ryland passed out after another gargantuan wave of grief overtook him, making his lungs stutter and his heart split again into a billion pieces. Because not only was Ryland a twin, he was the youngest of three.
Colt and Courtland were their names. How could… how could Ryland ever forget?
In his dreams, he saw Colt flashing a thumbs up before a stunt, a habit Ryland unknowingly took with him to space. He saw Courtland protecting them from their father, his young face twisted in a scowl as he stared up at the monster that lived down the hall from the twins' shared bedroom. He saw the days Courtland would play outside with them, kicking a soccer ball or tagging Colt and using his height difference to his advantage. Colt would always run after him with the determination of an animal in its hunt for prey, even if he would never catch Court.
It left him waking up with his body heavy, heart having been ripped violently from his chest.
Eridian scientists didn't know what to tell Rocky, and since Ryland couldn't bring himself to move or talk with the wounds so fresh on his mind and soul, it left Rocky hovering around him every day. Hardly sleeping. Adrian would take over every once and a while to make sure Ryland didn't die in his sleep so Rocky could get some rest.
Ryland felt horrible for putting his best friend through the same shit as the journey to Erid, when Ryland just kept getting sicker and sicker, but… he just couldn't do it.
How could I have forgotten them?
How could I forget my family?
How did Stratt not know about Court?
Ryland was hit with forty years of unanswered feelings, of grief that nearly killed him once on Earth and nearly twice on Erid, for Colt was dead and Courtland… he never knew what happened to his older brother. He never got to look into it before Stratt…
Once Ryland managed to convince everyone he wasn't physically dying, he was cleared to return to the biodome. The first thing Ryland did was roll into his office and turn on his computer. He typed into the search bar.
Colt Seavers.
Dozens of news articles and videos popped up recounting the events of the explosion, of the whole Tom Ryder scandal. Ryland never liked that guy. Had a bad feeling. Ryland forced himself to take a deep breath and scroll through the articles. He even mustered up an ounce of strength to watch the video of the explosion. It tore him up more than he could've imagined.
He watched it again.
Colt always had a witty comeback.
He rewatched it.
Colt was stubborn, a lover and a fighter.
Again.
Colt's smile was always humorous and bright.
Again.
Courtland tried to call him. Ryland was in a meeting and couldn't answer, his teeth digging into his tongue until he tasted metal.
Again.
Court tried again, and the meeting he was stuck in was the one where he realized he was always Stratt’s third option. Her Hail Mary.
Ryland paused the video just before the explosion, wishing not for the first time that things had turned out differently.
When he first remembered his last moments on Earth, he wasn't too focused on what he was saying. He was focused on the fact that Stratt sent him into space against his will. That Carl didn't help him, but offered him a friendly face as his last sight of home.
Now that he knew the answer to his mystery weight in his chest, he couldn't help but think over every time he felt the ache over the years.
When he first woke up aboard Mary.
When he looked at his reflection to shave the slivers of facial hair.
When he stared at the beach in the don't go crazy room.
When he jumped for the Taumeoba sampler, wondering what made him so brave in that moment.
When he was trying to come to terms with the fact that if he turned around to save Rocky, that he would truly never get to go home.
The millions of times he held the sand on the beach, looking over the water and trying to remember if the eyes staring back at him were his or not.
"No, I can't do it! No!"
"Colt! No! Don't do it! Don't—"
The needle pierced his neck, and as he lost consciousness with blades of grass stuck between his fingertips, the last words that uttered from his lips.
"Court… Colt… can't do it…"
He had called out for his brothers to save him knowing they wouldn't respond. One was dead and the other probably dead, too, with his line of work.
He had called out for his family. His last words on Earth.
There was that saying again. Something about blood being thicker than water.
In a way, Rocky and Adrian were like the water. They were there for him whenever he needed them and vice versa. Ryland didn't really have a choice in picking who his alien best buddy was going to be, but he was so grateful that Rocky and Adrian picked him as their family.
His brothers, his blood, he would never see again. He had already forgotten their faces to a certain degree, especially Court. He… He was horrified to try and remember their voices only to cry harder at his blurry computer screen. He couldn't remember Court's soft singing before bedtime, something that always calmed the twins when they were fussy babies. He couldn't remember Colt's laughter.
The sound of his name on their lips. He couldn't remember.
Those next few months were rough and probably took a few years off of his life with how hard he sobbed every day. Some days, he couldn't even muster tears anymore. He just sat in his wheelchair in the living room for what felt like days, overlooking the ocean. Remembering how Colt would do donuts in his truck on the sand.
Or how Court hated sand. Like Anakin Skywalker.
But, ever the spirit of humanity, Ryland barely managed to pull through. Rocky and Adrian were the biggest, best supporters he could've ever asked for. They listened to him recount his brothers in limited detail, which only seemed to split his soul down to its roots. He used to know everything about them. Now, he couldn't tell you their favorite foods.
Ryland lived another ten years on Erid. Teaching on and off. Recording videos for when the biodome would inevitably be transformed into a museum for future Eridians to educate themselves on the human that saved their home. Telling Armando he was sorry he couldn't stick around much longer. Watching his favorite movies one more time.
When the time came, Rocky and Adrian were there, like always. Rocky comforted him, telling him he'd watch Ryland sleep. Rocky planted himself firmly between Ryland's legs, and Ryland managed to pat his head one more time.
He drifted off to permanent slumber to Rocky and Adrian humming something. A song, maybe, mixed with a slow goodbye that Rocky gave him a long time ago when they thought they'd never see each other again.
Ryland didn't know what awaited him in death. He wondered if the stories of people seeing things were true. The scientist part of his brain was always fascinated by those stories while the other part of his brain questioned existence and supernatural entities and gods. He liked to think that after death, there was calm. A place you dreamed of visiting, maybe, or a beloved memory.
For him, he woke up on a beach.
He was already standing. Looking down, he wore his converse, though they looked brand new. He had his fox cardigan and a white t-shirt and jeans. His glasses were on correctly. For once, his bones and joints didn't ache. Hell, nothing hurt. Though he didn't feel as decrepit as his old man body. He must've manifested as a thirty year old or something.
A salty breeze passed by, ruffling his hair. It wasn't hot or cold. He couldn't really feel a temperature. It was just him and the beach.
He stood there for a long time. Time. It didn't exist to him anymore. He wondered if, or maybe when, he'd see Rocky and Adrian again. He loved them both dearly. He wanted more time with them. Forty years wasn't enough.
Ryland eventually took his shoes and socks off and sat on the water. The waves lapped at his feet. Again, no temperature, which was odd when the water continued to hit him over and over. He couldn't describe the feeling if he tried.
He resolved to sitting on the beach and waiting for Rocky and Adrian. Or whoever. If someone were to even show up.
Ah, the saying. Yes. The saying.
It was speculated by a lot of early civilization, a lot of religions, and indigenous communities that when you passed, you would reunite with your family. The ancestors that came before you, that paved the road you walked on. Ryland found great comfort in the saying, once, a long time ago. Now, sitting on the beach, he wondered if he would ever be granted his greatest wish of seeing his brothers again.
He had a lot to tell them, if whatever diety or thing out there decided to take pity on the universe's most homesick man. He wanted to listen to their stories, their voices. He'd forgotten what they sounded like.
Ryland watched the endless sea. The waves. The cloudy skies overhead. The clouds were moving pretty quickly. The air felt moist like it was going to rain.
Not that the beach wasn't gorgeous, but why was he here? It was… quiet.
He dug his fingers into the sand. His heart still hurt, like someone stuck their hand though his chest and grabbed his heart. He wondered how Earth was doing. Rocky and the other scientists had been able to tell him twenty years before he passed that Sol was bright again. He'd succeeded, and it made everything worth it. He wondered if Stratt let the world see the recordings he sent back. It was hard to think he was the savior of two worlds. He used to teach middle school science. What a life.
Ryland continued to stare at the beach, eyes misty. He missed Earth. God, he missed it so much. He missed people. He was never the most sociable person, but he enjoyed eating meals with his fellow scientists. With Carl. He missed his kids. They were probably in their sixties now. He wondered what places they went, what careers they took up. If they remembered him.
He glanced to his left and frowned. There was something in the distance. Moving. Running. A figure. The sight was reminiscent of when Ryland was in the don't go crazy room right before he arrived at Tau Cetti. He imagined a figure walking along the beach. Exccept this time, there was actually someone there, running towards him.
A voice carried on the wind. Ryland couldn't make out what was said. He rose to his feet, staring at the figure as it grew closer. A person. A man in a blue and black jumpsuit.
Ryland squinted. His breath stuttered in his chest. His heart leapt to his throat.
"Ryland!"
"Colt," he whispered. The wind picked up.
Colt was sprinting towards him. Ryland couldn't move. His feet were planted in the sand, his knees buckling.
Colt.
Colt.
He was here.
He looked exactly as he did in the pictures he saw on the computer, in the faint memories of Colt walking with him around the set of a new movie he was working on. He liked having facial hair. His hair was the same dirty blonde as Ryland's. His eyes were the same cobalt color.
Ryland's hand clutched at the fabric over his heart. He didn't know where he was, if he was supposed to be back on Earth or what, but seeing his brother again eased the ache away. Especially when Colt was close enough to hear his wheezing breaths, his feet kicking up sand. Ryland bawled.
Colt stumbled, nearly face planting into the sand before crawling the limited distance between them. Ryland gripped Colt's jumpsuit like he were a dying man, feeling his brother's arms wrap around him tight.
"Ry, oh my God—" Colt cried.
Ryland couldn't formulate words. He couldn't stop crying, which he'd done plenty of over the last ten years. He couldn't get over the fact that Colt was here, in his arms, squeezing the life out of him. The sobs wracked his body as he and Colt rocked back and forth, clinging to each other. Because if Ryland was dead and on the beach, then so was Colt. How long had Colt been waiting for him? For Court?
Colt pulled away as Ryland kept hiccuping, trying to get his stupid tongue to work. Colt's hands cupped his face, wiping away the tears and holding him upright. Studying him, memorizing him. Trying to remember the things that he should've remembered but had been lost with time. Ryland's hands clutched Colt's wrists, keeping him in place.
Colt was here. He was real, tangible. And oh, after so long without another human's touch, Colt's gentle hands just made him cry harder. He pressed further into Colt's embrace, wondering if this was permanent or not. If he could stay here forever.
"Ry," Colt said as he sniffled, managing a wobbly smile. "Oh my God, you're… I—"
"Colt—" Ryland sobbed, the fabric of Colt's jumpsuit stuck between his fingers. "You're here, you—you're real?"
"Fuck yeah, I'm real! What… we…" Colt trailed off, shaking his head. "There's so much to talk about."
"H-how long have you been waiting here?"
Colt frowned, his fingers brushing through the little knots in Ryland's hair. "W-what? I… I haven't been waiting long at all. Couple hours, maybe. Got bored and started walking around."
It was Ryland's turn to frown.
"What? But you… you died, Colt."
"I mean, yeah, I'm here, aren't I?"
"No no no, you died in a fiery explosion. Years ago. You've been waiting for years."
Colt's expression fell. Horrified. Another wave of tears fell from his red, puffy eyes. His hands moved to clasp Ryland's shoulders. "No. No, Ry, I… shit. I didn't die in Sydney Harbor."
"What? N-no, I saw the video—"
"I faked my death. I had to."
Faked… he faked his death? No. That couldn't be right. Ryland remembered the news broadcast. He remembered the way Stratt told him he had no immdiate family, how the words felt like a stab to the heart when he realized Colt was dead, and Courtland was probably bleeding out somewhere after a mission gone wrong. Colt was dead and Ryland had three hours before he was sedated and sent to space. He didn't have time to mourn his brother before he forgot him.
And if that didn't break his heart all over again.
Colt moved to sit criss cross. "I'm sure we both have a lot to explain."
"Yeah," Ryland managed thickly. He mirrored Colt's position, though he made sure their feet were touching.
"Tom Ryder framed me for Henry's death. I had to make them believe I was dead to work from the shadows and clear my name. I had to disappear. Believe me, Ry, I wanted to call you. I wanted to tell you to not believe the news, but I didn't have time. I needed to work fast." Colt shuffled a little, suddenly uncomfortable. "I managed to clear my name within twelve hours, and when I finally got my phone back, I… I knew something was wrong. You tried to call me."
Ryland remembered it too well. He remembered walking out of the meeting, Stratt's voice saying three hours echoing over and over in his head. He had retreated to the roof to overthink everything. To think about his role in the project, of every interaction he had with Stratt. He thought of everything he wanted to do but wouldn't have enough time to tick off the bucket list.
He had reached for his phone and dialed Colt's number. He didn't even know why since he saw the news. Colt was dead.
"Your call has been forwarded—"
Ryland had sobbed on the roof, listening to Colt's voicemail.
"Hey, it's Colt, leave a message."
Colt reached out to squeeze his arm. "I heard your voicemails. I… I tried to come find you. I ran as fast as I could but I saw the rocket launch and…"
Colt squeezed him harder, taking a shaky breath. Ryland flipped his hand to grip his brother in return.
"I was too late. I never forgave myself for that," he muttered. "The news plastered your face, called you a hero volunteer, but I knew you didn't want to go. You said so yourself in the voicemail. I called Court."
Court was still alive when he launched into space. Ryland swallowed back his tears, squeezing Colt to encourage him to keep going.
"He uh… he saw the news, too. Was gonna call me, ask me if I knew. I explained everything and he pulled up pretty fast. He managed to talk to that woman… uh, Stratt? He talked to her before she was taken to jail and he told me she said you volunteered last minute. We called bullshit. Court was very thorough and found everything out. He saw the camera footage. Sent it to me."
Colt scooted closer. His hands came back up to cup Ryland's face again, his expression full of agony and regret. "They took you, Ry. They took you from us and we couldn't do anything about it. I… I kept watching them chase you over and over. You calling for us to help when we didn't even know you were—"
Colt cut himself off with a hiccup. Ryland didn't bother wiping his own tears or his brother's. He just leaned forward to bring his brother into another hug, squeezing him tight.
"I know," he said as Colt cried.
"What happened? Why did they do that?"
Ryland held his brother closer. "The two leading science officers died. I was the tertiary science officer. I knew everything about Astrophage and… I was mission ready. I knew everything about it."
"But why you?"
"There was no one else," he whispered sadly, rubbing Colt's back. "No more time to train anyone elses. People were going to die."
"You didn't want to go," Colt said firmly.
"It was me or half of the world's population in twenty years. It was an easy choice for Stratt."
"Doesn't make it right! She kidnapped you. She killed you!"
Ryland took a deep breath, watching his tears stain Colt's jumpsuit. "I know. But you have to think; I thought you were dead and I didn't know where Court was. I thought she was right when she said I had no immediate family keeping me from going. It didn't mean I wanted to go on the mission, no, I was selfish. Cowardly. I wanted to stay even though I knew the stakes."
Colt pulled away with a horrified expression. "She told you you have no immediate family?"
"Yeah."
Colt fumed. "Motherfucker—"
Ryland chuckled.
"What? What's funny about this?"
"You." Ryland took a deep breath, his smile fading slowly. "I um… when I woke up on the ship, I couldn't remember anything. How I got there, who I was. Where I was. I had threatened Stratt that I would sabotage the mission, but she accounted for it. She made sure the ship's medical bot injected me with an amnesia drug before I woke up so I would become too invested in the mission to sabotage it."
Colt was positively red with anger, but he kept his thoughts to himself and nodded at Ryland to continue. He kept his hands on Ryland's arm or shoulder. Always squeezing, always making sure he was real.
"She was right," Ryland shrugged. "I was too invested to stop. And I… I hate her because she was right. I was the perfect candidate for the job and I found the solution. Even still, there were some things I never really remembered. I didn't remember you or Court for thirty years. I didn't remember everything about you guys. I can't tell you what your favorite movie is."
"You spent thirty years on your ship?" Colt said, voice broken. "You didn't remember us for that long?"
"Oh, I've gotta tell you about Rocky. He's my best friend."
"Oh, I know. The alien rock that helped you save Earth." Colt tilted his head with a small smile at Ryland's confused expression. "I saw the video logs. Pretty riveting stuff after not seeing your face for twenty something years. Though, we're gonna have a talk about jumping off of space ships."
Ryland managed a chuckle, heart warm in the way his brother was back to joking.
"But we never knew what happened to you. If you made it or not."
"It was a pretty shitty journey, but yeah, me and Rock made it back to Erid. The Eridians treated me like the most important thing in the world. They made sure I lived happily and comfortably. We saved Earth and Erid."
Colt's smile was soft as he ruffled Ryland's hair. "Of course you did."
Pride. Colt was proud of him, his tone light and uplifting. If only Colt could've said those words when Ryland was starving on the way to Erid, hallucinating and losing his mind slowly but surely. But something was still bugging him about his brothers.
"So, you and Court… how long did you live?" Ryland asked. "D-Did you stick together?"
Colt's expression faltered slightly. "It was touch and go for a minute there. Lots of words were exchanged, some good, most bad. We uh… it took us a few years to grieve on our own, but we eventually came back together. I think Court lived a little longer than me. Makes sense with my job, you know? But after you… left… I lived for around fifty years."
"God…"
"Yeah."
Ryland bit his bottom lip to stop it from wobbling. The grief was too much. "I wish things had been different."
"Me, too. But we're here now, I think forever. We can make up the time we lost," Colt said with a bright smile. He slapped Ryland's shoulders. "Enough about sad shit. What about Rocky? Tell me about him."
Ryland launched into the tale of how he and Rocky met, about Rocky's odd quirks and Eridian customs. He talked for what felt like hours and Colt interrupted here and there to explain the way the world reacted to the video logs, about the knowledge of aliens and how friendly the Eridian seemed to be.
The weather didn't change. Cloudy skies, light gusts of wind, waves crashing into the shore. He thought it was going to rain earlier but nope. He and Colt sat on the beach just talking, laughing, catching up. Ryland couldn't help but wonder where Court was. Colt said he lived longer than him, but why wasn't he here yet?
He got his request soon enough in the form of quiet gasps behind him. He and Colt shared a look before turning around.
Courtland stood a few yards away, crying softly. His shoulders rose and fell rapidly, his hands trembled by his sides, and his breaths came in short bursts. Ryland was on his feet in seconds, running alongside Colt to wrap his arms around his older brother. Courtland hugged them both back with intense strength, rubbing their backs and brushing their hair with his fingers, and just holding them because he could. Ryland's heart finally felt full, the hand that tore his heart finally retreating with the presence of his lost brothers.
Courtland pulled back to look at them, smiling wide. Bright. A smile Ryland hadn't seen since they were children. He held them as if they were precious porcelain about to break with a single touch.
"Took you long enough," Colt said with a wet chuckle.
"Shut up," Court said. Now Ryland remembered his voice. A little rougher than Colt's, a little rugged, but still soft. He looked at Ryland, his expression that of Colt's a few hours ago. Agonized. "God, Ry, you… fuck."
"You've always had such a way with words," Ryland smiled, shaking his head.
Courtland's laughter rang out across the beach. Ryland's heart sang happily at the sound.
"Whatever." Courtland brought the twins back into a hug. "I've got my brothers back. I'm happy."
"And you have a lot of talking to do," Ryland said pointedly. "I want to know everything."
The brothers sat on the beach, talking for hours and hours. Somtimes they'd cry, sometimes they'd shout at the sky for being unfair and ripping their family apart. Colt would push Courtland into the water, and it would start a war of splashing water at each other. Ryland would join in to help Colt gang up on their brother, sneaking up from behind to jump on his back so Colt could attack.
It had been years since Ryland had felt so light, so happy. Now, all he had to do was wait for Rocky and Adrian, if they chose to see him. Well, he didn't mind waiting. He had some catching up to do, anyway.