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I wanted you to know, I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph, I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
Harold couldn't believe it. He'd thought Reese would have learned his lesson by now. What possessed him to believe Finch would let him get blown to smithereens without trying to save him? He'd saved Reese's ass enough already, and still the man doubted he was worth saving. How such a confident man could be so insecure was beyond Harold's ken. He'd gotten him out of Riker's, for God's sake! And he'd gone and gotten himself captured. Harold knew it was illogical to be angry with Reese, but worry made it harder to be rational. Seeing John, reasonable safe and sound, made him exhale shakily. It dawned on him that he had so much to say, words hanging unspoken between them. Something was lurking in Reese's eyes, a shadow of his own thoughts. When Reese pointed his gun at him he sighed in exasperation.
”What are you going to do, John? Shoot me?” There was no fear in him, no worry that Reese would ever hurt him. He stared the taller man down, eyebrows raised challengingly. Reese reluctantly lowered his gun, letting him come closer. Harold wasted no time. He was aware of the clock's ticking, quite literally. He was damned if he'd let Reese die like this. Not on his watch. He set to defusing the vest. It was easy focusing on the technical stuff, the hard part was stepping close to Reese. Pressed close to his chest he could feel the slight trembling of the taller man's frame, and he realized Reese wasn't ready to go. It made something in his chest expand and constrict at the same time. He could easily see the hope in Reese's eyes, the faith that he would set everything straight. That he would save him. It made him nauseous, the thought that he might dash that hope. That he might fail. He didn't care for his own life, not if he couldn't save Reese. He might as well explode with him on the top of a roof. At least he wouldn't die alone, he'd go with someone he respected, cared for. Loved. Suddenly the thought wasn't so hard to think.
Because I'm broken when I'm open
and I don't feel like I am strong enough
'cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
and I don't feel right when you're gone away
Really, how hard could it be to disarm a bomb? He grew frustrated with himself as the first attempt to unlock the phone failed. He refused to acknowledge the knot of anxiety in his gut. He'd spent some of the worst days of his life recently, alone without Reese. Not knowing what he was doing, how he was faring. The occasional call wasn't enough, not when he was used to constantly being in contact with his asset. And now this. He felt a wave of helplessness surge through him as he looked at the phone on Reese's chest. He refused to give in to it, instead he glanced up at the taller man. There was a look of something close to tenderness on his face.
”What?”
”Something you said once. About how sooner or later we'd probably both end up dead.” Harold refused to give in to the tightness growing in his chest. There he went again, playing fatalist. He hated having his own words quoted, especially when they were of the dooms-day variety. What was wrong with an encouraging 'go Harold'?
”I'd prefer later; after all I'm the one that got you into this in the first place.” As he spoke the words it dawned on him that he really wasn't ready to go either. He may have set contingencies for everything, playing fatalist himself. Telling himself that it didn't matter if he lived or died. But looking into Reese's eyes, seeing the mixed emotions there, made him want to live. They had to, both of them. He vowed silently to tell Reese of his feelings if they came out of this unscathed. Life was too short, as this was a painful reminder of.
”I'm pretty sure I'd be dead already if you hadn't found me.” There was almost a small smile on Reese's lips. The emotions got easier to read. Gratitude, wonder, with just a dash of resignation.
”It's hard to say.” He tried to focus on the task at hand, but it wasn't easier with Reese doing another one of his self-sacrificing thank-you-speeches. He made another vow, to curb the man of that annoying habit. Maybe he should even lock Reese up for a while, keep him safe from harm. Except with Reese's instincts for survival it would probably last for five minutes before he'd broken free and put himself in harm's way again.
”Not really.” That small smile, a bare tugging of lips, remained. ”Pick a winner, Harold.” His heart surged in his chest. Hearing his name spoken like that made him want to cry. He was amazed his hands were steady as he punched in the numbers. Inside he was shaking all over, heart palpitating hard enough to threaten to burst out of his chest. After entering three digits he changed his mind. He could feel Reese's stare, the intense hopefulness radiating off him. He sent a silent prayer to a God he wasn't sure he believed in and entered the code. The phone beeped once, and unlocked. His fingers moved of their own volition, canceling the countdown. His eyes closed as his head fell back slightly in relief. He'd done it, he'd saved him. Saved them both. Reese's eyes fluttered shut for a moment as well. Harold wasn't sure, but for a second he thought he might have seen the glimmer of unshed tears.
* * *
The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There's so much left to learn and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high you steal my pain
The clank of the gate had Harold's head lifted simultaneously with Bear's. He'd dropped Reese off at his home, the adrenaline crash leaving them both exhausted. There was so much he needed to say, but now was not the time. They both needed time to land, to sort through their emotions. Harold knew what he was about to do was insanity, but he couldn't keep quiet. He just needed Reese to know how important he was. Maybe that could make him stop this self-sacrificing nonsense. He wasn't sure he believed his affection would be reciprocated, but he had to get it out in the open. He was sick and tired of Reese believing he was expendable.
Bear's claws clattered on the floor as he pounced Reese. The taller man went down on one knee. Harold's eyes were glued to his every move, simply drinking in the fact that he was here, that he was alive. Then Reese looked up and smiled at him. It was one of those lop-sided, absolutely honest smiles filled with pure happiness. Harold could easily count how many times he'd smiled like that, and never before had that smile been directed at him. Harold felt an answering smile, small and tentative, break free as he watched Reese get felled by his dog. Well, their dog actually. He could sit still no longer; he rose from his chair and walked over to Reese. The man was sitting flat on his ass, laughing slightly as Bear licked his face. The sight made Harold's breath constrict in his throat, had tears rising in his eyes. Without hesitation he went down on his knees and put his arms around Reese. The taller man froze.
”Finch? What are you doing?” The insecurity was clear in his voice. Harold ducked his head, trying to hide his tears.
”Hugging you.” His voice was slightly choked and he tried to discreetly clear his throat. He felt even more scared than he'd been when they'd been up on that damnable roof.
”I can feel that, but why?”
”Why? Because you're here, because you're alive! Because you were literally seconds from dying last night.” The tears spilled free, trailing down his cheeks. He drew a breath, it came out as a sob.
”You saved me. I never doubted you.” Reese's voice was quiet, filled with conviction. ”I never have. Although I wish you wouldn't risk your life to save me. I'm not worth-” His words were cut off as Harold silenced him with a kiss. He pressed his lips to Reese's, forcing them to open to let his tongue inside. He licked into that mouth, registering the tastes that made Reese up, that were quintessentially him. Tilting his head as much as he could he tried to deepen the kiss. Reese's mouth was slack against his and he pulled back, face aflame with mortification.
”You're not allowed to say that you're not worth it ever again. Those words are not to cross your lips ever again.” His voice was firm, level, even as his body trembled. Adrenaline coursed through him as he waited for Reese to react, to say something. To do something. Reese sat back on his haunches and looked at him considering. His eyes were filled with tears, tears and wonder. Finally he spoke.
”Not even if that makes you kiss me like that again?” There was a teasing lilt to the voice, but it was belied by those tears. Harold gently stroked a thumb over Reese's cheek, stroking a tear away as it broke free. Reese's eyes fluttered shut, his breath hitching.
”Not even for that. You're precious, John. You're worth everything in this world, and you need to know it. What you want to do with that knowledge is up to you.” He couldn't breathe as he waited for the verdict. He was sure Reese wouldn't push him away now, that he wouldn't turn away in loathing. He was even reasonably sure the attraction he felt was mutual. He just hoped there would be more than just attraction.
”If I say I want you to kiss me again?” In lieu of an answer Harold leaned forward and captured Reese's lips again. This time he let all of his emotions play into it. He worshiped the younger man's mouth, teasing and tantalizing. He mapped every reaction as he let lips, tongue and a hint of teeth do the talking for him. Reese made a small sound deep in his throat and his hands reached up to cup Harold's face. He tilted them slightly, deepening the kiss. Another sound escaped him and a stab of arousal shot through Harold. He could feel himself hardening in his pants and a small groan tore from him. Reese pulled back, hands still cupping him. His eyes were narrowed, pupils blown with desire. Harold glanced down and was rewarded to the sight of Reese's evident arousal straining against his fly. It made his gut flutter and clench and his cock twitch.
”This isn't some sort of convoluted 'thank you for saving my life', I hope?” His voice shook, but he had to ask the question. If that was it, then all bets were off. If it wasn't mutual than he'd rather not have it at all. Reese gave him that smile again, open and carefree.
”No this is a 'god, I never thought I'd really do this, no matter how many times I've harbored inappropriate fantasies about my boss'. I hope that's okay with you?” The smile had turned teasing and Harold couldn't help but return it.
”You've fantasized about kissing me?”
”Kissing you, licking you, sucking you-” The voice turned softer, seductive. ”-fucking you, getting fucked by you.” Harold's erection pulsed in the confines of his pants and his back arched slightly. He was panting, and he'd yet to even touch the other man properly. ”Mr. Reese-”
”John.”
”John,” he obediently repeated. ”Is this all physical?”
John gave a chuckle. It was deep and sinful, rich as it wrapped around Harold. ”Right at the moment it is, since my higher brain functions are being overridden by lust even as we speak. But no, I won't fuck you and leave. After we've fucked I want to enjoy you, make love to you.”
”So you're feeling... you have feelings for me?” He hated that he sounded so tentative. He'd never been good at relationships. John smiled at him as he cupped his face with one hand, his groin with the other. Harold's hips hitched into that touch as he gave a small groan.
”Yeah, I do. But like I said, higher brain functions aren't working when you kiss me like that. I'll tell you how much I love you after I've showed you.” That sinful smile was back as John's hands smoothly removed his tie and vest. Harold was right there with him on the higher brain functions. Just thinking that it was John's clever fingers all over him nearly had him undone. Then those fingers made short work of his shirt and all he could do was stare into laughing blue eyes. There was a joy there, a sparkle he'd never seen before. It melted all his hesitation away. John was a brilliant actor at times, but this? This was all real. A hot mouth followed in the trail of those fingers, a wet tongue trailing all over his chest and stomach. Suddenly Harold saw where this was going and his gut clenched. John's hands were already at his belt, unbuckling it and opening his pants. Harold felt embarrassed that it was so obvious how aroused he was already. John, however, gave a pleased grin and mouthed him through the thin cotton of his boxers. Harold's head fell back slightly and he ground out:
”This is... nothing like how I... ah, pictured our first time.”
”Oh, really?” John's voice was slightly breathless, his mouth staying at Harold's erection. He'd begun to slowly lower the boxers. Harold was only seconds away from feeling John's mouth on him.
”I'd imagined a classy restaurant... Some good wine, smooth jazz. A night cap- oh!” John's mouth closed around his hard flesh, lightly sucking him in. His tongue swirled over his head as he hollowed his cheeks slightly. ”But this is good too. This is- oh, soo good...” His words trailed off incoherently as John rasped his teeth lightly along his length. Even if he'd tried to he wouldn't have been able to stop the small cry that escaped him. He realized he was on the verge of coming already and he reached down to try and stop John. The younger man pulled back, looking slightly offended. It made Harold smile.
”Did I do something amusing?” John's voice was silky but there was an undercurrent of a threat of something there. Harold didn't care, he just shook his head.
”No, you're just too good at what you do. I want to taste you as well before I come all over myself like a hormonal teenager.” John gave a laugh at that and quickly scrambled out of his clothes. Even in his haste he was beautiful to watch.
”What do you say we get the best of two worlds? I'm guessing you've tried the sixty-nine before?” Heat shot into Harold's face. Somehow it felt strangely awkward to discuss sexual positions.
”Well, yes, but not with a man. In fact I'm rather inexperienced in general with other men.” The blush deepened as he admitted that. He was quite out of his depth, but he was more than willing to improvise. Besides he'd always been good at taking directions. John's smile turned predatory, but his eyes were still warm.
”I think it's best if you just lie down on your back.” He grabbed their shirts and rolled them up to form a make-shift pillow for Harold. The older man appreciated the sentiment, his neck would probably kill him otherwise. ”How's that?”
Harold shifted slightly. All in all he was pretty comfortable considering he was stretched out on a floor. He knew they could move this to someplace more comfortable, but that would mean breaking the spell. He didn't want to risk John starting to think and changing his mind. It sounded horrible in his own head and he cringed mentally. Not that John seemed likely to change his mind. He was kneeling in front of him, erection curving towards his stomach. The tip of it was already glistening with precome. Harold unconsciously licked his lips as he watched all that lean, corded muscle. He'd seen John naked before, but never before had he been allowed to truly watch. The younger man turned around and positioned himself on hands and knees, mouth hovering over Harold's cock. It twitched in reaction, straining towards that mouth. Harold's hips stuttered slightly as he watched John's hardness, placed just of of reach for his lips.
”Lower yourself. I want to taste you.” Just like that all insecurity was gone, all that mattered was tasting John, pleasing him. The younger man groaned as he did as told. Harold strained upwards, discomfort be damned, and mouthed at the hardness. John groaned again and closed his mouth over Harold, who tried to shut out the sensations to figure out how to please John. It was a nearly Sisyphean task, as John seemed to know just how to drive him insane. But he soldiered on, licking and sucking at John's hardness. He sucked a bit harder, dragging the flat of his tongue over the head. The taste of John, slightly bitter but still crisp, filled his mouth and he gave a deep moan as he pulled him deeper. To his immense surprise John's hips twitched into his mouth as the younger man reared back and cried out. His essence filled Harold's mouth and he drank it all down. John's head fell down between his arms, drops of sweat beading his face. He blushed a deep scarlet as he sheepishly met Harold's eyes.
”I'm sorry. It's... it's been a long time, and having your mouth on me. I- you'll be my undoing.” Harold couldn't fight back the satisfied smile plastered over his face. He'd made John lose control, he affected him that much. He was about to open his mouth to say something when John's mouth took him in again. This time John didn't hold anything back, taking Harold deep into his throat. His entire length was buried in John's hot mouth. A tingling built in his spine, rushing through his body. His toes actually curled as the pleasure burst through him, blinding him and making his body try to contort in ways it was no longer capable of. John's hands held him down, helped to restrain him as he rode the orgasm out. He keened as his body gave a few last twitches before he relaxed, boneless and spent. He was aching all over, but it didn't matter.
Because I'm broken when I'm open
and I don't feel like I am strong enough
'cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
and I don't feel right when you're gone away
”I'd planned on a more romantic setting the first time I told you I loved you. But then we all know what they say about best laid plans. I love you, John.”
John twisted around to hold him against his chest. Harold snuggled closer, drawing warmth from him. John placed a gentle kiss against his temple. ”I love you too. Even if blow jobs and premature ejaculations might not be the ultimate way to show it.” Finch couldn't stop himself from laughing.
”Ah, but then we've always been an odd couple, John. Why change that now?” There would be hell to pay in the morning for him, for falling asleep on the floor. He figured it was more than worth it. ”Can you please stop doing stupid things now, like risking your life all the time?” John chuckled.
”I could, but then you'd have to fire me. But I can try to be a bit more careful.”
”It's a start,” Harold muttered as his eyes drifted shut.