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“Rozanov, what are you doing here?” a clearly confused Shane asked anxiously.
“Hmph! Do not ask me, Hollander. This is most definitely your dream, not mine,” Ilya answered in the calmest and most nonchalant tone.
Shane stared at him for the briefest of moments, as if he was trying to figure out if what he had just heard made sense. It was certainly a probable possibility, and at the moment, he had no other ideas… so he decided to just go with that.
“A dream, of course,” Shane began. “Yeah, because there’s no reason why you would actually be here… in MY house… with ME!”
Ilya nodded and looked down briefly, as if he was all set to verify and congratulate Shane on his strong deductive skills. But then, almost as quickly, he looked back up at Shane with sharply focused eyes.
“True. But there’s really no reason why I would be in your dream, either. But,” Ilya said, opening up his arms and gesturing at his form, “Here I am, Hollander.”
“Hmm. He does have a point,” Shane thought, as he contemplated his next move. “But a dream… a dream made sense. All I need to do is to wake myself up. Once I’m awake, no more dream and… no more Rozanov. Simple!”
So, Shane threw back the sheets and blankets he was under and swung his legs over the side of the bed. Once his feet were solidly on the hardwood floor, he stood up and made his way towards his ensuite bathroom to wash his face. After he turned the water on, he placed his hands underneath the running water. Then, he put the water on his face. He kept his hands in place for a few beats. He wanted to make sure that he would wake up and rid himself of this dream. Once he was sure that he was wide awake, Shane lowered his face towards the sink, opened up his hands, and let the water fall- watching it disappear down the drain.
“Alright, that should do it!” a certain Shane said before looking in the mirror.
However, upon looking in the mirror, he saw that it had absolutely not done it. In actuality, when Shane looked in the mirror, he saw that not only was the dream apparently not over, but that it had followed him into the bathroom. There behind him, as reflected in the mirror, stood the same Ilya Rozanov he’d seen and talked to only minutes earlier.
Shane felt his eyes widening as he saw another face besides his in the mirror. He also found himself at a loss for words. That, however, was not a problem for Ilya, who Shane saw was now waving at him in the mirror’s reflection with just the slightest of smirks.
“Still here,” he said dryly. “Although I do understand your confusion, Hollander. I mean, exactly why would I be the one in your dreams keeping you up late tonight? After all, you’re in the exact position that you must have wanted for yourself when you…” Ilya stopped himself from finishing the rest of that sentence. So, he just finished with a question. “Well, aren’t you?”
At that moment, something in Shane tensed up. But he didn’t respond because, why should he? Rozanov or the figment of his imagination that appeared to be Rozanov, was right.
And Shane knew that he had that day in Boston to thank for that position Rozanov spoke of. Or more precisely, thanks to the decision that he made that day in Boston… the decision to leave Ilya Rozanov and whatever they had had all those years. That, admittedly, spur of the moment decision that he made that day in Boston… the decision to leave Ilya Rozanov and whatever they had had together for all of those years. That admittedly spur of the moment decision, followed up slowly by meeting Rose Landry had paved the way for the life Shane was living now.
It was a life that fit the image of hockey’s Canadian golden boy. He was an elite professional hockey player, deemed the best in the league by most. He had numerous endorsements and was the face of several brands. And after a few half-hearted attempts at a relationship, Shane had found something different with Rose. Something he felt (or something he tried to convince himself of) that looked and felt sustainable. He and Rose had established a good relationship. They enjoyed spending time together when their schedules allowed, and Shane truly enjoyed talking to her.
So, everything about his relationship with Rose was perfect. Everything about where Shane was in his life was perfect. Everything except…
Everything except the fact that it wasn’t thoughts about or the image of Rose that had woken him up. No, that distinction belonged to Rozanov, who now seemed to be moving out of sight from the mirror.
“That’s fine if you choose not to answer my question, Hollander,” a still stunned Shane heard Ilya say as he walked back into the bedroom. “But just know that until you deal with whatever this is, I will continue to be right here.”
Shane’s eyes had followed Ilya as he went back inside. And immediately after, Shane walked back into his bedroom slowly, where he saw that Ilya had taken a seat in a chair meant for reclining. However, Ilya had chosen not to recline, choosing instead to sit up straight in it. That all seemed to confirm Ilya’s claim that he wasn’t going anywhere until Shane dealt with “this”. But what exactly was this?
For his part, Shane walked straight back over to his bed and sat down on the side, choosing to face Ilya. And as he looked at him, Shane realized that Ilya’s expression was hard to read.
So, as he prepared himself to deal with whatever was happening, Shane tried to center himself the best way he could. He took a few deep cleansing breaths, all while Ilya remained silently focused on him. It had been a while since he had looked at him with that much intention. But he couldn’t let himself get caught up in that. He had to deal with Rozanov being there with him that night.
“It is you, isn’t it?”
“Yes, it is.”
“Are… are you real? I mean… I mean I know that you can’t be real. But I’m not, I mean I can’t be dreaming. Or…” an increasingly anxious Shane stammered out, frustrated with the confusing nature of what was transpiring right before his eyes.
Ilya, finding it hard not to sympathize with Shane’s predicament, chose a softer tone to answer him.
“Am I real? Hmph. Probably. I guess so. I mean I think so, at least for the purpose of what’s happening right now.”
“What does that mean?” Shane asked, needing an answer to at least try and begin to settle things.
“Sh–...” Ilya stopped himself and unnecessarily cleared his throat. “Hollander, I am not the one with any answers. I can only guess that I am here to help you figure something out. Something that, for some reason, you won’t be able to deal with or figure out… without me.”
Shane shook his head in response. “Like what? What, in MY life, could your presence be the answer to, Rozanov?”
“More questions. Good questions. But once again, it’s not me who has any answers,” Ilya replied, before relaxing a bit more into the chair, in an attempt to keep himself grounded.
That was when Shane finally seemed to accept the fact that Rozanov wouldn’t be able to be the one who could tell him what to do or how to use him being there to figure things out. He would have to take the lead, but he didn’t know how. All he knew was that he was beginning to feel a knot in the pit of his stomach and that, despite that water from earlier on his face, he really wanted to sleep. And after he allowed his eyes to close for a brief moment, he did.
Or at least he thought he did.
But when his eyes opened again, he found himself back to sitting on that same side of the bed as he had been before they had closed. He looked across at the chair where Ilya had been. It was empty. However, before Shane could feel relief, or possibly some other more conflicting emotion, he turned to his side. And that’s when he once again realized that his dream was still not over… because there, right beside him on his bed was Ilya Rozanov.
*****
Hours before Shane had come home and gotten into bed, he had spent the evening with Rose. She was still in town for work, so of course they were eager to spend some time together. They had met at a restaurant that neither had tried before, and because of their star-power, they were given a nice, quiet spot away from most of the other diners.
The lighting was soft, the music relaxing, and the conversation flowed just as easily as it had during their other times out together. The only time that there was a lull in the conversation was when the food arrived. Even though it was a date night for them, neither Shane nor Rose splurged with their meals. Shane was still in the middle of the season, while Rose was still filming. Both had appearances to maintain. And for Shane, it wasn’t just his physical appearance that he wanted to maintain. As he ate, he found himself at ease with being out in public… and being seen- even though they were in a quiet corner.
After dinner, there was talk of maybe continuing the date at Shane’s. But Rose got a last-minute text informing her of an earlier start time on set for the next morning, so the night ended outside the restaurant. When her car arrived, Rose moved in closer to Shane to give him a good night hug. It was a hug that he politely accepted, although without the feelings he knew he should have felt. As with all of their hugs and other acts of intimacy, those feelings just… weren’t there. Hugging Rose was nice, but her arms around him were nothing like…
He couldn’t think about that. He lost the right to do that the night he left.
“Shane, are you ok?” a slightly concerned Rose asked when Shane appeared to have his mind somewhere else.
Hearing his name helped to bring Shane back to the present and to Rose. He nodded. “Yeah, I’m fine. Maybe I'm just a little tired.”
“Ok. Well, go home, relax, and get some sleep. We’ll talk tomorrow,” she replied, as she gave him a quick kiss on the lips.
That elicited a warm, bashful smile from Shane. He waved as Rose’s car pulled off, and he tried to focus on the nice dinner they’d just shared. But something he couldn’t name, somewhere in the back of his mind, wouldn’t allow him to do that.
“I just need a good night’s sleep,” Shane reasoned, as he readied himself for home.
Once he got there, he showered and read for a little while just to calm himself before turning out the lights and closing his eyes.
*****
And it was those same eyes that were now squarely fixed on Ilya Rozanov. The Ilya Rozanov who had been keeping him awake the whole night, in what he wasn’t quite convinced was a dream. It was the same Ilya Rozanov who, without Shane even naming, had loomed over his date with Rose… and tonight had not been the first time.
Despite leaving him and what they’d had together for all those years that night, Shane had discovered that getting away from Rozanov was not as easy as he thought it would be. And he felt that all the more as they sat side-by-side.
“You ran away from me, and you thought that that would get me out of your life,” Ilya said, breaking their silence. His voice was no longer strong and sure. It was now much softer and possibly even strained. “And according to all sources, social media, and television, you have done that with Rose Landry.”
Shane’s eyes had begun to well up, as he nodded. “Well… I’ve tried to…” he replied with just a slight tremble in his voice.
“Tried? Have you not succeeded?” Ilya asked, sounding slightly hopeful.
And that’s when Shane realized that that question was the point of that whole night with Rozanov. It hit at the heart of settling what was going on in this “dream”. He had to deal with where things stood between him and Rose. Had he, in Ilya’s words, succeeded in putting him out of his life and Rose in it?
“Well, Hollander?”
Rather than answering that, Shane seized the moment to say something he wanted to address.
“You said my name.”
“I did,” Ilya replied. “And you said mine.”
“Why?”
“I think for the same reason you did.”
Shane, not losing eye contact, nodded. “Which was?”
Ilya chuckled. “Now that you have that question, perhaps you can wake up now and figure out how to answer it to get the life you really want for yourself… and not for anyone else.”
And with that, Rozanov was gone and Shane was awakened by the alarm he had set when he had gotten home from dinner. He sat up straight in his bed. It was now morning and there were no signs that anyone else had been there all night. While he didn’t remember all of what had happened, Shane had an overwhelming feeling that he needed to get in touch with someone as soon as he could. That’s when he went to his Contacts, bypassed the one for “Rose Landry”, and quickly found the one for… “Lily”- writing and sending the simplest of messages:
“Can we please talk?”