Chapter Text
From the moment Victoria was born, Eileen saw herself so clearly in her daughter’s eyes. They easily carried the same brown hue but more importantly, the same piercing and intensely curious gaze. She knows, despite what Victoria tries to school her into believing, that all Victoria’s life, she’s fought the comparisons. Maybe inside the hospital walls the words, ‘You are so much like your mom,’ are the kind of compliment Victoria would be willing to receive. But out here…at home, it’s the biggest offense known to man.
It’s not her fault that Victoria was born with, or blessed with, or…cursed with all Eileen’s best and worst qualities. Every time Victoria is stubborn, or harsh, or judgemental, or driven, it’s like she is looking at a mirror, staring back at her reflection. But every time Victoria is too lackadaisical, too social, too friendly, or too focused on other things people her age would be focused on, a part of Eileen is furious.
Envious.
In the early part of Eileen’s teen years, she was a nobody. To gain friends, she would’ve had to talk to people and that was not something she was willing to do with as thick of an Indian accent she had at the time. No amount of friends to potentially gain would make the endless teasing and mocking worth it. Despite having all these funny thoughts she knew people would laugh at or the good advice she knew people would be interested in taking, she stayed quiet, just listening in the shadows, completely invisible.
Being the only brown girl in every room and a child of immigrant parents, Eileen felt like she had something to prove. She had two choices. On one hand, she could strive to be like every other girl her age: experimenting with boyfriends, going to the mall after school, and drinking lots and lots of alcohol at every party. On the other hand, she could find ways to be better than everyone else at every single thing.
She obviously chose the latter.
When she was fourteen years old, she decided on her own that she wanted to be a doctor. Her parents instilled the so-called “American Dream” in her brain since she was pushed out of the womb, but it was only then when it finally stuck. Friends are not as important as success. If you want to excel at anything, you must reach out and take it. No handholding, no shortcuts, no distractions. Just work harder than everybody else.
For the longest time, these mantras plaguing her head worked. She was at the top of her class, was awarded Valedictorian by a landslide, received a 1520 on the SATs, and got into every top, competitive school in the nation. The success only improved post-undergrad and into medical school. As an adult, her career was taking off and soon she would be among one of the most decorated and respected surgeons in the Eastern region of the country. Dr. Eileen Shamsi.
Looking back, she should feel intense pride. She made it. She did it. She should be happy with her life and feel completely content with where things have ended up.
But for whatever reason, there remains a gaping hole in her heart no amount of money, accolades, or success could fill.
Nothing else matters to Eileen if her own daughter, her own flesh and blood can’t even stand to be in the same room as her. What has she done? She may be worse than her parents. Why the need to live vicariously through a child when she’s already played all her cards right? Why the need to be so greedy and so unsatisfied that her daughter has to do everything ten times better than she even did?
Eileen would selfishly imagine if she, as smart as she was, finished high school at thirteen, and finished medical school at twenty-one. Where would her life be now if she was a prodigy? She always easily thought 'better' and Victoria deserves the very best. She deserves to be even better than her so she pushes and pushes and demands success because she knows Victoria is capable. And because that is all she's ever known. Eileen’s life, since the very beginning, was a constant uphill battle. No time to stop and sit to enjoy the view. Just keep climbing.
Sometimes she thinks back and wonders about all that she’s missed. The friendships outside of work, the birthdays, the weddings, the vacations…the karaoke nights at a bar.
Was all the loneliness worth it?
Has it all paid off?
****
August
Eileen headed into work with a little more pep in her step than usual this day. She needed to get the status of a patient they needed to monitor overnight. The surgery went well, she thought, but Jane Doe was still in a shaky and uncertain position.
For whatever reason, her feet took her through the ED floor first, instead of just heading straight up to hers. Eileen walked by the counter, deciding to check up on her patient from here.
“Good morning, Dana,” she greeted, offering a small but warm smile.
“Hi Dr. Shamsi…what brings you down here?” Dana said.
“Just looking to get the status of my patient…I ended my shift right after the surgery,” she breathed, slinging her bag tighter into her shoulder. “Jane Doe from last night. Car accident, was hit by a drunk driver.” Her voice turned sour towards the end. These types of cases never failed to piss her off beyond belief.
“Let me see,” Dana said, pulling on her glasses and sitting down at the computer. “Ah yes, Jane Doe, admitted to surgery for acute subdural hematoma. Da da da…” she trailed off, scrolling though the report. Eileen looked away as she read, naturally searching for Victoria through the staff. Dana suddenly grew quiet, looking up at Eileen with a sympathetic expression that she knew all too well.
“What happened?” she asked, a little too forcefully. Every part of the surgery went right to the best of her knowledge. She didn’t understand.
“...Brain herniation,” Dana said slowly. “I’m sorry, Dr. Shamsi, but she didn’t make it–”
“Got it, thank you,” Eileen cut her off, her blood boiling over under her skin. She turned away, needing an exit plan before she blew up on some innocent bystander. She checked the clock on the wall, three minutes before seven a.m.
Footsteps rounded the corner, and Victoria came into view, a small smile at Dana immediately wiping off of her face.
Eileen said the first stupid, angry thing that came to her mind. “You said you were going to be on time!”
Victoria’s eyes peeked up at the clock. “I am…” she swallowed.
Eileen knew that. An apology for her outburst worked its way on the tip of her tongue when her eyes peered down to her daughter’s clothes. What the hell?
Victoria was clad in outside clothes like she just rolled out of bed, or out of a bar. Her eyes snap back up to Victoria’s in confusion, with a hint of disgust.
“And what are you wearing?” she asked, gaze locking in on her black platform boots and denim shorts. No way she just threw those on before work, Eileen thought. “Where are your scrubs?!”
“I have an extra pair of scrubs in my lock—”
“Oh thank God you made it Vic, I was beginning to worr—” one of the med students said, Eileen recognized her as one of Victoria’s friends. The girl stared wide-eyed, her eyes bouncing between the two of them in shock. Eileen looked down at her badge, reading: Joy Kwon. Student Doctor.
Victoria winced, turning around and shaking her head.
Eileen started to put the pieces together. “Weren’t you supposed to be with her last night, Victoria?” she asked, snapping Victoria’s attention back. Why on Earth did Joy not give her a pair of new clothes if she was staying with her? And why on Earth did Victoria not pack an overnight bag then?
“Oh! Well I mean, yes. She was—” Joy blurted out, but Victoria shook her head, stopping her.
“Don’t. It’s fine.”
Eileen’s stomach dropped. Disappointment and betrayal settled low in her gut. “So my own daughter is a liar…” Eileen said, scoffing as she folded her arms.
“Mom, can we take this somewhere else?”
The day was already starting off poorly, she’d lost a patient. An innocent patient that had no business dying and now her own daughter was a liar and not even remotely taking her work seriously. Anger boiled inside of Eileen’s body, turning her face and neck red and hot to the touch. Everything said after that was a blur.
“You are so irresponsible, so unfocused!”
“I’m over here worried about your future and all you can manage to show for it is walking into the hospital so unprofessional, like you’re doing a walk of shame.”
“You’re so ungrateful…wasting away your talents in the ED…a disappointment.”
Eileen had complete tunnel vision, not caring or noticing how loud her voice was getting and how hurt Victoria’s expression was turning.
“I’ve done everything for you and this–this is how you repay me!” she scolded, turning away for a moment, needing to take a breath finally.
Victoria’s voice cut in. "You've done everything for me?" Her sharp, incredulous laugh bit through the tension in the air. Nothing could have remotely prepared Eileen in her life for the next words that came so easily out of her daughter’s mouth.
"You've done everything except love me."
Eileen froze, blinking at her in shock. It felt like cold water was dumped over her skin or someone took a powerful punch right into her gut. Her body nearly fell off balance from her words, still hitting and not letting up against her skin.
"I've spent my entire life trying to earn it," she said, her voice cracking. "Every grade. Every award. Every achievement. Every time I made myself smaller or quieter or easier to manage."
Eileen stared at her not knowing a single word to say. Not having a single idea in her head to try and go back in time before this conversation started.
"I've been begging you to love me for years."
Another punch. This time to her face.
"And all you ever do..." Victoria choked out. "Is this."
The gesture she made was small, but it acted as a stinging slap to her cheek. Eileen was completely and utterly speechless. She tried to open her mouth to say something, anything. But all the words died on her throat. Hot tears burned in the back of her eyes as she continued to stare at her daughter. Every time she blinked, Victoria’s face morphed into her younger self, staring back at her and shaking her head as if she was so disappointed in the person she grew into.
A lone tear slipped down Victoria’s cheek, but she wiped it away immediately. At the sight, Eileen finally found her voice, opening her mouth to speak.
"Victoria, I—"
"No."
Eileen jerked back, nearly gasping in surprise at the sharp bite of her words.
"I'm going to go get changed," Victoria said quietly. "And then I'm going to start my shift."
She wanted to reach out, she wanted to wrap her in her arms or scream out ‘I love you!’ ‘I will always love you,’ ‘You’re my first thought every morning and my last thought when I go to bed…’
But nothing came out. Eileen felt limp. The intensity of her heart break and her sorrow made words seem too difficult to even attempt mustering up. She held a hand against her chest, feeling as if her heart was going to crack into two.
Victoria searched her eyes for something she must have been unable to give her because all she does in response is nod once, before turning and walking away.
Eileen doesn’t remember how long she stood there…frozen in time. It could’ve been forever for all she knew. But as the time passed, a layer of protective armor formed over her wounds and somehow she managed to blink back her tears and walk away.
****
Two days later…
Eileen sipped her coffee as Victoria opened the fridge and pulled out her breakfast. Ignoring her was becoming easier as the time passed, though a part of her feels guilty for her cowardice. Every time she’s spoken, she’s said the wrong thing so why even bother?
Victoria, however, refused to make it easy on her this morning. “Are you ever gonna say anything?”
Her voice cut through the silence, pulling Eileen right out of her head and into precarious territory. She looked up, setting her mug down a little firmly. “Are you?”
After the petty words were spoken, she looked back down at her plate, trying to hide the shame written all over her face. I have to stay strong, she thought.
Victoria’s immediate laugh made her stomach sink. “Me? I said what I said. You said nothing. If anyone has something to say, it’s not me.”
Her boldness would be surprising to anyone else, but Eileen knew better. She’s watched the tame, but threatening fire in Victoria’s spirit over years. As a young girl, she was the exact same. Always had to be right, and naturally…always was.
But instead, she deliberately chose to ignore her pride and pushed the blame back on her daughter for these feelings. “You insulted me in front of my peers,” Eileen said sharply. “You—”
Victoria cut her off, lifting a hand to stop her. “Please.” The small crack of desperation in her voice made Eileen hitch a small breath high in her throat. “I don’t want to do this again.”
Neither do I, Eileen pleaded with her eyes.
“I try, Mom. I really try. In school, at work, in life. I try,” Victoria started, spreading the cream cheese on her bagel with shaking hands.
“But the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with…is you.”
Now these words felt like a shot to the chest, completely killing her. She felt herself sinking straight to the floor, even as she sat straight in her seat, not moving a muscle. Am I really this bad? she thought, pressing her lips together to stop them from trembling.
“I know what you’re thinking,” Victoria continued, completely oblivious to the lifelessness in Eileen’s eyes.
You have no idea what I’m thinking.
“‘I’m ungrateful.’ ‘I’m so privileged.’
No.
‘Some kids would kill to be in my position.’ I know.”
You don’t know.
So tell her! A voice in her head screamed.
“But I haven’t heard you say ‘I love you’ or ‘I’m proud of you’ in…” she paused, her jaw ticking slightly, “maybe a decade. I hear it from Dad, sure. But it’s not enough.”
Eileen can’t remember the last time she heard those words from her parents either. Love was just…action. She just felt it from them, even if their ways of showing it didn’t always seem fair.
“I need it from you,” Victoria’s voice broke and she took a breath, looking away.
The words were right there, right on the tip of her tongue once again. Her failure as a mother made her numb. It tore her in half to look at her daughter’s face right then.
“I’m thankful for all the time and consideration you’ve put into my future. I am. That’s great.” A small, humorless smile flickered across her face. “But we’re living in the present.”
She snatched her mason jar off the table, her expression hardening. “What time and consideration are you putting into now?”
Eileen's mouth dropped open to speak, but Victoria left, walking back upstairs, as if her answer would’ve been insignificant noise.
****
Since then, Eileen has continued to keep quiet. She is well aware that they are long overdue a conversation but it doesn’t help when Victoria is never home. The avoidance has gotten out of hand, but for whatever reason, she doesn’t have it in her to start another fight.
She knows Victoria is lying about something.
“Where are you going?” Eileen would ask as Victoria grabs her keys and heads out the door with a large bag slung over her shoulder. It was a different excuse every weekend.
“Oh–Oh um…Trinity’s.”
“Emma’s.”
“Me and Joy are going to study…for real this time.”
“Just grabbing coffee.”
“Out.”
And every time all she said was “Okay, beta. Be safe.”
If Victoria wants to mess with her future and derail the plan they have perfectly curated for her, then so be it. She has nothing left. She just wants her daughter to stop looking at her with so much hurt.
****
September - Earlier today…
Raymond told her to get out of the house finally and treat herself to a coffee. A new coffee shop, Latte Lane, opened up near the house and she was convinced to give it a try.
After ordering a simple chai latte, she found an open seat against the wall near the order counter. Plugging in her headphones, she listened to some old 60s music. Etta James and Aretha Franklin flooded her ears, instantly relaxing her muscles as she sipped her tea.
A couple of minutes later, a familiar face walked through the doors. She didn’t remember his name but she recognized him from the Pittfest shooting. He and her daughter helped work on a patient and he kept telling her that they were out of chest tubes. Eileen rolled her eyes at the memory, shaking her head.
The song in her ears dimmed just as he was fishing his phone out of his pocket.
“Hey baby, quick question,” she heard him beam, his voice still clear and deep even through her headphones. Eileen tried not to snoop but she rarely sees anyone outside of the hospital. Sometimes she was curious about people's lives. Is that a crime?
He looked up at the menu, holding the phone to his ear. “Which sounds best: iced vanilla matcha, iced chai, this latte with caramel in it, or…cookie latte? They say it’s a ‘cookie in a cup’…whatever that means.”
She got bored of listening to this conversation quickly, going on her phone to change the song. It wasn’t until the cashier asked, “Perfect and what’s the name for the order?” when she got curious again and started listening.
“Victoria.”
Eileen paused. She took off her headphones as if she could not have possibly heard that correctly. Blinking rapidly with her stomach dropping to the floor, she kept her eyes trained on the side of his face. People laughed next to her and he turned in their direction. She almost thought…almost, that he was going to miss her, but then he did a double take. He stared back at her wide-eyed.
She bored into his eyes, her skin heating up, her pulse drumming in her ears. At his expression, she found that her suspicions may pan out right because he looked like a dog with his tail between his legs. Eileen didn’t relent on the intensity of her stare, even as he made his way over to her table.
“Hi, Dr. Shamsi. I’m Mateo Diaz” he greeted with a boyish smile, though clearly nervous.
Ah. So that’s his name, she thought to herself.
“I also work at PMTC. So nice to see you outside of the hospit—”
Hm. I actually don’t have the patience for this small talk.
“Forgive me,” she cut in, her brows pinching in confusion. “Are you…dating my daughter?”
The expression on his face would have been priceless if she wasn’t so infuriated.
“Uh–ahem. Shi–I mean! Ha ha…” A word vomit of nervousness started flying out of Mateo’s mouth making her press her lips into a flat line, almost with secondhand embarrassment.
“Please just yes or no,” she said, somehow managing to not roll her eyes in his face.
His shoulders sagged with defeat and he winced. “Yes…”
Eileen should’ve felt a multitude of things at his admission. Anger. Betrayal. Frustration. Disbelief.
And yes, she felt all of those things, but the most powerful, unmistakable emotion washing over her body was guilt.
“How long?” Eileen asked quietly, biting her lip to hold back her tears.
Mateo sighed. “May I?” He motioned to the chair across from her with a plea in his eyes.
She folded her hands in her lap and nodded. “By all means…”