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Snape swept into the kitchen at Grimmauld Place and announced, “The Dark Lord has carked it. Again.”
Dumbledore looked up. “Again? You’re certain?”
“Yaxley found the body.”
“What got him this time?”
“Heatstroke. He fanged it into the desert after that wandmaker and, unfortunately, neglected to bring any water. Yaxley said he found him face-down in the sand, sunburnt to a crisp. Looked like a dropped snag.
“Devo,” said Ron, not looking the least bit devastated.
“Indeed. We are all incredibly cut up about it.”
“How many times is that then?” asked Tonks.
Harry held up a hand, counting off on his fingers. “Bitten by a funnel-web, right after his first resurrection. Caught in a rip and stung by jellyfish the follow year, when he tried to rescue his followers from Tasmania. Then there was that croc—”
“You’re forgetting the dingo,” said Snape smoothly.
“Right, that was bloody great. Snatched his little baby self right before Pettigrew could toss him in that cauldron.”
Tonks said gleefully, “My favourite will always be that farmer who got him with a spud gun.”
Snape smirked, “Mine too. The Dark Lord has never quite recovered from the embarrassment of being defeated by a Muggle launching vegetables at him.”
Albus smiled at their antics, but asked seriously, “How long do you think until he is revived again?”
“It’ll be yonks. With Pettigrew gone and most of the rest locked up in Tasmania, he’ll have to rely on Yaxley.”
Sirius snorted. “Yaxley couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery.”
Severus examined his nails carefully. “It also does not help that Yaxley has misplaced Nagini.”
“Severus,” Albus said warningly, “Please tell me you have not put yourself at risk.”
“Of course not. Yaxley wasn’t paying attention and let her climb a tree. When he went to retrieve her, he failed to notice he’d picked up the wrong koala.”
“Are you fair dinkum?” Tonks demanded, delighted. “He just picked up some rando Koala and off he went?”
“Bang on.”
Tonks laughed. “Ripper. And where’s Nagini now?”
“Chewing on a house-elf head in the entryway.”
Chairs scraped as several people darted out of the room to take a look. Snape followed, smirking, and winked at Hermione when no one was looking.
They found her exactly as advertised. The fuzzy little grey koala blinked down at them from where she was clinging to a decapitated house-elf head, chewing on one of its ears.
“What are we supposed to do with her?” asked Harry, eyeing the creature with horrified fascination.
“You are supposed to kill her.”
“What?” asked Harry, stunned. “You can’t be serious. You want me to kill her?”
He drawled in his deep baritone, “We are not here to fuck spiders, Potter.”
Ron shuddered visibly.
“But she’s just a cute little koala,” Harry protested weakly, eyeing Nagini as she nibbled contentedly on the ear of a long dead house-elf.
“You’re a few stubbies short of a six-pack, Potter, if you think she is merely cute. She is also a Horcrux and capable of tearing a man in two with those claws.”
They all looked at the koala who blinked lazily back at them.
Harry looked helplessly towards Hermione and Ron. Hermione was eyeing the koala with a pained expression.
“I can’t just kill her.”
“Tell him he’s dreamin’,” said Ron.
“She is a Horcrux,” Hermione offered tentatively.
Harry shook his head. “I can’t. There must be another way.”
Sirius clapped a hand on his shoulder. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, Harry.”
“As always, your intellect astounds,” Snape shot back. “Shall we simply hope the Dark Lord gives up?”
“He’s kicked the bucket enough times on his own.”
“And you suddenly expect him to stay dead this time? Eleventh time’s the charm, is it?”
Harry interrupted before the two of them could become embroiled in another spat. “Can’t we get the Horcrux out of her the way we did for me?”
Snape sneered. “You think you could love that creature?”
Nagini chose that moment to open her mouth, showing off teeth that were far too sharp for any regular koala. She ripped a large chunk of flesh out of the head she was clinging to and began to chew.
“Gnarly,” said Ron, impressed.
“I don’t want to go around killing random critters,” Harry insisted.
“Mate,” said Ron, “I gotta agree with Snape on this one. It’s going to eat someone’s face.”
“Thank you for your support, Weasley,” Snape said sarcastically.
“You’re welcome, mate.”
“Potter, I don’t give a rat’s arse if you think she’s cute, she must be dealt with, and you’re the one that idiotic prophecy pegged for the job.”
“Now, now, Severus,” Albus said mildly, “No need to carry on like a pork chop. We have some time, and another Horcrux to find. Until then, I am quite sure Hagrid would be delighted to make Nagini’s acquaintance.”
“Bloody oath,” said Ron. “Shoulda thought of that, Hagrid’ll be stoked.”
“Excellent, we’ll leave the murderous koala with Hagrid then.”
An hour later the meeting was finally wrapping up.
Albus beamed. “You will stay for dinner, won’t you, Severus?”
“I suppose,” he said, with the air of a man making a great sacrifice. “I had planned to avail myself of the lab and get some brewing done.”
“Do you need any assistance?” asked Hermione brightly.
“I am perfectly capable of brewing without your chatter and endless questions, Miss Granger.”
“Don’t go off on poor Miss Granger simply for offering to help you, Severus,” scolded Albus. “And I have that order for you from St Mungo’s in any case, you’ll be flat out like a lizard drinking if you try to do it all by yourself.”
“Very well,” he said, sighing reluctantly.
Hermione smiled and followed him out to the shed. He looked dispassionately over the list Albus had given him.
“You may begin by grating the ginger root for Stomach Soother.”
She asked archly, “I can’t tempt you to begin with a different kind of root, Professor?”
He looked back at her, black eyes smouldering.
She peeled herself out of her shirt and then dropped her daks.
“That is hardly appropriate lab attire.”
She bit her lip. “And your attire is hardly practical, considering it’s hot enough to fry an egg in here.”
He stalked over to her, backing her against the workbench. Hermione reached up to wind her hands around his neck and tugged him down for a pash. His lips attacked hers and she moaned, grinding herself against his stiffy.
“Fuck me,” she whispered.
It was only after he’d filled her with his spunk, several times, that they made a start on the brewing list.
Two days later Snape poked his head out of the library at the sound of a commotion.
“What has happened?”
“Death Eaters,” Harry explained. “Right in the middle of Diagon Alley.”
Ron wailed, “What is this country coming to? Can’t even go out for a succulent Chinese meal without being attacked by those dropkicks.”
“One of them hit Hermione,” Harry added.
Snape lost his composure immediately. “Is Hermione alright?” he asked, tone frantic with worry. “Where is she?”
They both looked surprised.
Ron said, “Crikey! Didn’t know you cared, Snape.”
Hermione, stepping into the house behind them, said, “I’ll be right, just a bit knackered.”
His dark eyes swept over her furiously, and then he swiftly gathered her into his arms.
“Fuck me dead,” said Ron looking gobsmacked. “Is Snape hugging Hermione right now?”
“Nah, mate,” said Tonks happily. “If you have a proper gander you’ll see they’re pashing on.”
Harry began frantically polishing his glasses, as though being able to see more clearly was going to help. He said in a strangled voice, “Yeah, nah. You’re taking the piss, Tonks. You’re one sandwich short of a picnic basket if you think that’s really happening.”
“Yeah,” agreed Ron faintly. “Harry’s right. You’re a few snags short of a barbie if you think Hermione would pash Snape like that.”
Tonks said, “Oh, I’ve got a few screws loose. And a couple kangaroos loose in the top paddock. Doesn’t change the fact she’s been cracking onto him for ages.”
Snape suddenly seemed to come back to himself. He pulled his mouth away from Hermione’s and turned slowly to survey their audience. He turned panicked eyes back to Hermione.
“Well shit. So much for secrecy, that’s well and truly cactus.”
Hermione only smiled, entirely unbothered. “No worries.”
He looked at her, surprised. “You aren’t upset?”
“No, why would I be? I was only keeping it secret for your sake!”
He growled and attacked her again.
Ron groaned. “Strewth, I do not need to see the sequel!”
“It’s making me crook,” agreed Harry, polishing his glasses even more furiously.
“Deadset. I’m gonna have more than a few screws loose after this.”
Snape broke away from Hermione’s mouth just long enough to snap at them, “Then piss off and stop looking, you drongoheads!”
Glossary
Carked it – Died. Usually suddenly, and in this case embarrassingly and repeatedly.
Fanged it – Moved quickly. Usually in the context of driving.
Snag – A sausage. A staple of Aussie cuisine. Looks very sad when dropped in sand 😢
Spud gun – A homemade potato-launching device.
Organise a piss up in a brewery – A 'piss up' is a group of people getting drunk. Failure to organise one in a brewery would indicate a catastrophic degree of incompetence.
Fair dinkum – Seriously/really? Can be used as a question or a statement to say something is legit.
Ripper – Excellent. Top tier. Awesome. Can say "You little ripper" when you're pleased with a person.
Not here to fuck spiders – Peak Australian sarcasm. A kind reminder that we are not here to root arachnids and ought to do something else instead. Why did we come in here again? Well it certainly wasn't to fuck spiders, that would be ridiculous.
Few stubbies short of a six-pack – Not particularly bright. Not running on a full complement of braincells.
Gnarly – Used to describe something awesome, or something gross. Or why not both at once?
Don’t give a rat’s arse – Indifferent about something.
Carrying on like a pork chop – Describes someone being silly. My dad used to use this quite condescendingly, and so does Dumbledore.
Bloody oath – Statement of very enthusiastic agreement and absolutely something an Australian Ron Weasley would overuse.
Flat out like a lizard drinking – Extremely busy. The visual seems unhelpful and yet the meaning is clear.
Root – Have sex. A root rat is someone who has too much.
Daks – Trousers. Removing them in the Potions lab is ill advised.
Pash – Snog/French kiss. Not used as much these days, but we used to say this all the time back in my day 👵 “Pashing on” implies a long kissing session with little regard to one's surroundings.
Stiffy – An erection. Aren't you so glad you know what this means now?
Succulent Chinese meal – Required viewing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q4bPMxeCnos
Crikey – An expression of surprise. I hope you already know this one though 🐊
Yeah, nah – Means no. Definitely does not mean yes. Only Nah, yeah means yes.
One sandwich short of a picnic / Few snags short of a barbie / Few screws loose / Kangaroos loose in the top paddock – These (and many other varieties) just mean someone is stupid and/or a bit unhinged. It's surely coincidental that we have so many sayings for that here 🤔
Cracking onto – Hitting on.
Cactus – Broken, ruined, beyond repair. Much like Voldemort's prospects in Australia.
Crook – Sick/feeling unwell.
Drongo – Stupid. I figured it was an appropriate replacement for the Dunder part of Dunderheads 😏