Chapter Text
One of the – many – injustices in my world is my lack of agency. I always kind of knew we had no say in anything that happens to us as shapeshifters, that we just had to accept whatever bullshit manifestation was taking place. Often times, I envied my dad and the men of his generation for not having had the misfortune of phasing. After revealing most of our lore to Charlie, I also envied him for not having to actually take part in it.
The night I first phased, after the theatre night fiasco with Bella and Mike, was simply the most horrendous and violent night of my life. The night I literally turned into a monster. The night it became apparent that I would never be the same. My identity completely recalibrated. A new me that I had never asked to become. New responsabilities that involved life or death.
Bella was my only anchor after the transformation. She reminded me of who I was before I'd phased and kept me grounded. That's how I knew I actually loved loved her. I needed no bullshit imprint to be aware of the fact. The whole concept of imprinting is revolting and quite the textbook example of lack of agency. I hoped I'd never imprint on anyone, because imprinting on a random girl would mean losing the last fiber of my humanity: Bella. Sometimes, I caught myself avoiding eye contact with girls I'd see out on the streets. The day I imprint is the last day I'll live. I don't want anyone to take Bella's spot; we'd have no history, no shared experiences, it'd be so... meaningless.
Oh how I wish I could go back. Sweet, long-haired, innocent Jake.
That's why I hate myself for the way I acted towards Bella, for the abuse I made her endure. I never used to get angry, before the werewolf hormones kicked in. I'm a sweet guy. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror, and yet I couldn't control myself. A creature angry at the world, and the world angry at him in return. Unable to break the cycle. I see myself in Rosalie, in a way. We share the same type of powerless and desperate anger, and we direct it at people who didn't play any role in our demise.
Bella pulled me out of this vicious cycle, in part, at least, that night after the newborn fight. The more I reflect upon it, the more I sense the trigger to breaking that pattern didn't exactly come from us having sex for the first time. It might have played a role, but mostly, I think it was really Bella exercising her agency, by making a choice, finally standing up for her own.
Ever since Edward had come into her life, she also had lost her agency. She had been enthralled and mesmerized by Edward for the sole reason that that's what vampires do. They inherently seduce humans. Friendly reminder: a predator has to be appealing to its prey. Edward is the beast, a monster, certainly, but the type of monster lost girls want to save. The beast is not angry; it is self-loathing and attracts compassion.
I, however, am the creature. The monster no one wants to help – and rightfully so – because it acts in anger, and impulsiveness. The creature is regarded as not worth saving. A victim of itself by design. No one was supposed to come to my help. But Bella did. Bella saw the remnants of who I used to be, the old me, and chose to not push me away. She clung to that human part of me with all her might, to attempt bringing me back up to the sunny side. Her side. In a way, we help eachother cling on to humanity.
The beast vs. the creature. Vampires vs. werewolves. Edward vs. Jacob.
One world resenting the other, for very different reasons. I can blame Edward and his kind for what they've done to my people, but I don't have to blame him for prying Bella from my arms ever again.
Hopefully.
Bella is going to Alaska tomorrow, she's going to learn how to get control over her shield, and once that's done, hopefully, Edward and the other leeches will be out of our lives forever.
Bella walked into my room and pulled me out of my inner funk.
She saw my eyes light up and froze in the middle of my room.
“Why are you smiling like it's Christmas morning again?” she chuckled, looking down at her phone upon hearing a notification pop up. She paused our interaction, lifting her index finger up. I could tell by her eye movements that she was reading a text, brows furrowed, mouth halfway open, partly exposing her two lovely front teeth. Her concentration face.
“Who's that?” I asked. I was laying in my bed, shirtless, on my back, arms crossed behind my head. It was sunny out for once, and the rays where shining through my window. The warmth of the sun on my skin felt amazing. It had been so humid and chilly lately.
Bella didn't answer right away but came over to my bed, and sat down. She reached for my hand and pulled it out towards her.
“It's Rosalie. She just told me Kate and Irina agreed to you coming along!” Bella said excitedly.
“What?? God, Bella, I'm so relieved! You have no idea how worked up I've been over this!” I exhaled, bringing my hands to my face.
I sat up and hugged her. She grabbed my cheeks with one hand and kissed me.
“I know, Jake. But there are conditions. You cannot, under any circumstances, phase while you're out there.” she explained.
“Well... Unless they provoke me, there's no reason for me to phase.” I retorted with a smirk on my face.
Bella rolled her eyes and flicked my forehead.
“Be serious, Jake.” she chided.
“Yes, Ma'am. I'll behave.” I said with a wink, gesturing a military salute.
“Okay. We have to get you plane tickets ASAP, before all the seats sell out. I'll call Rosalie right now. Otherwise, you'll have to travel in a dog crate in the hold.” she teased.
I grabbed her by the shoulders, tousled her hair and pushed her down on her back, holding her arms above her head. She was laughing hysterically, seemingly very proud of her little dog-joke.
“Good luck finding a big enough crate before tomorrow.” I jeered, tickling her ribs. Her laugh was like liquid gold to my ears. She managed to shimmy out of my grasp and ended up straddled on my back, putting fake punches in the middle of my shoulder blades. I rolled over, giggling, to face her. She put her face inches from mine and I felt my heart swell. Her perfect features. Her deep brown eyes. My hands landed on her hips instictively, as though they'd always belonged there.
“Oh we're not taking the plane, Bella.” I whispered into her mouth.
She pulled away, an inquisitive look on her face.
“What, we're... sailing there?” she taunted.
“Better. I'm taking you there. You sit on my back, hold on to my fur and enjoy the ride. Cheaper.” I explained in a husky voice. “The perks of having a werewolf boyfriend.” I winked.
She narrowed her eyes. She didn't seem convinced, although the idea clearly intrigued her.
“All you have to do is carry our backpacks and the tent.” I added.
“We're camping?” she gasped.
“Might as well make a fun roadtrip out of it, right? We'll leave today, after lunch. We should get there in time by tomorrow.” I continued. “Plus, I need a tent do-over. I don't exactly have a fond memory of the last time we were in a tent together. There was an irritating... cold spot in the way.”
There was a shocked silence from Bella, and then she burst into a fit a laughter.
“You're so good at making up insults.” she said, wiping a tear from her eye. “But you're right. The weather's nicer too. I won't even have to bring that ugly wool hat.” she sniggered again.
“Bella... sorry to burst your bubble but... we're going to Alaska... I regret to inform you will, indeed, have to pack that ugly-ass hat.” I declared.
Noon. We had gone to Bella's to pack her stuff and we'd get going from there. Charlie was on his business trip, but Bella had called him up to let him know of our plans. He seemed disturbingly on board with it, given all the lore-drop we had thrust onto him some twelve hours ago. He'd apparently accepted his new normal at lightning speed. An adaptable man, to say the least.
We had planned to make it a 3-day trip, to get back to Forks before Edward returned from his hunting trip. Thank God the bloodsucker was craving moutain lions and thus had to go up to Canada to find some he could legally kill. More time for Bella and I.
I had instructed Bella to come meet me at the edge of the forest lining her backyard with our stuff, so that I could be in my wolf form away from prying eyes. We knew we weren't going to be able to communicate while I was phased, but we decided we'd test out our visions transmissions, to see whether it worked when I wasn't in human form.
My wolf hearing caught Bella slamming her front door and turning the key in the lock. I heard her footsteps on the forest floor, and could tell she was wearing her winter boots from the sound of the soles on the damp soil. It sounded different to her usual Vans sneakers. Bella was treading carefully between the wet leaves and the roots poking out of the muddy ground, probably making sure she wouldn't get to Alaska with a sprained ankle.
When she came into my periphery, I sat down on my hind legs and let her climb on my back. And thus we started our unconventional trip.
“I packed peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for tonight, Jake.” she said. “Let's go!”. She sounded giddy and excited by the journey ahead.
By 3pm, we had already made substantial progress. It was a very pleasant trip so far. Bella was quiet but I could tell by the energy she exuded she was at peace. We understood pretty quickly that the visions thing wasn't going to work out, since I had to have my eyes closed to receive or project them. Not very practical when I needed my eyes to get us to our destination.
The route I took us on was breathtaking; mossy and glistening, on this sunny day. I could hear Bella gasp every now and then, struck by the beauty of the scenery. The sights were so striking in fact, that I was getting distracted at times, and sure enough, at some point in the course of the afternoon, we had an accident. The path in that area was unkempt and damaged, and because of the speed of my running, I didn't notice the gaping hole in the earth, or, I did notice it, but too late. I felt one of my paws skid on a wet blob of leaves, and just like that, we started slipping down a crevasse at an alarming pace.
My first thought was protect Bella, protect Bella, protect Bella, so I did everything in my power to stay on all fours, to avoid any rolling over or tilting. That would simply kill her. If she fell under me, the weight of my wolf would simply crush her to death. I could see the bottom of the crevasse approaching dangerously; I clenched my jaw, claws out in the hope of slowing our fall for a safe landing. Bella was screaming and I could feel her fists tigthening around the two handfuls of fur she had been holding on since we'd left.
I felt something snag on my right flank, and we came to a stop.
What is happening? How did we suddenly come to a stop?
As I was asking myself these questions, an intense, sharp pain registered in my brain all of a sudden. I couldn't hold back a howl and a few whimpers. And then some. I wriggled my body and understood quickly, after peeking down, that I had been impaled on a root. It was still lodged in my lower stomach, but you could tell it had entered my stomach from below my rib cage, and ripped my skin right down to my groin.
Bella hopped off my back, panicking and urged me to phase back. I was trying to manage the pain, which was bad, but thankfully, I didn't feel lightheaded.
“Phase back, Jake! I can't see what's going on! I can't reach under you!” she exclaimed.
I was back in my human form a split-second later, and Bella helped me roll over. The root had exited my body, but an atrocious gash had been slashed across the length of my stomach. It was a gnarly sight. The wound was oozing blood – not to a life-threatening point but still, it couldn't be good – and it probably went four skin layers deep. Again, not an urgent matter as it didn't poke through my organs, but it was painful nonetheless. It was dirty with mud, little leaves and wood splinters.
“Bella, are you okay?” I said, wincing. “I'm so sorry.”
Bella had been examining the injury with hesitant fingers, trying to pluck out some blades of grass as delicately as possible. She glared in my direction, eyebrows knitted.
“Why are you asking me if I'm okay?” she snapped, genuinely frustrated. “Clearly, I am okay.”
“Bella, don't give me shit, I could've killed you!” I stammered between my teeth.
She didn't reply and reached for her bag. She pulled a first-aid kit out from the front pocket, and took out tweezers, gauze and Betadine.
“This is going to sting.” she announced, definitive, squirting the desinfecting solution directly on my wound.
I winced, inhaling sharply. Bella applied herself to pluck every bit of vegetation and splinters from out the gash. I was still bleeding profusely. Her collected gestures impressed me. She was operating the tweezers with expert precision. I watched her work on me with amazement. I even forgot about the pain.
“Blood doesn't make you queasy anymore?” I asked, breaking the silence.
“Dating a vampire kind of solved that for me.” she explained. “Sorry, Jake. I got angry because I got scared.” she said with a sweet smile, still focused in on my injury. “And because I wish you'd stop treating me like I'm made of glass.”
“It's all good. I apologize. I'll cut you some slack.” I said, more to appease her than because I actually believed what I was saying. I could never cut Bella any sort of slack, specifically not when it came to her safety.
She smiled at me. She scratched the corner of her mouth absentmindedly and tucked her hair behind her ear. It left a blood trail streching from her lip to her cheek. My blood. I propped myself up on my elbows, the sharp pain had turned to a dull lull. My wolf healing was kicking in. I extended my arm towards her face.
“You got blood on your face.” I said, under my breath. “Come closer.”
Bella's gaze instantly turned darker; she was looking at me from under her eyelashes. That's her sex face. She leaned in, hovered an inch away from my mouth. Her hands covered in my blood. She dragged her fingers along my throat. I suddenly became aware of the fact that I was naked, as I always am after phasing back. I was eyeing the motion of her fingers on my skin, headed downwards.
“Look at me.” she whispered.
I fixed my gaze into hers, as I was starting to feel the familiar rush of blood pumping to my lower body. I planted my lips onto hers, cupping her face with my hand. She reciprocated and began kissing me intensely, slowly. Our faces following the same dance. Our tongues undulating at the same rhythm.
I unzipped her coat and unbuttoned her flannel, just enough so I could feel the softness of her skin.
Her hand was still making its was down my chest and stomach. Bella hovered over my injury, hesitant, but unexpectedly placed the palm of her hand on it. I flinched and groaned. Her hand was covered in blood now. She made her way further down and grabbed my erection. I gasped as the sudden intense contact had startled me, but was immediately abandoned to the pleasurable sensation of the slimy, warm blood that accompanied Bella's up-and-down movements. This is new.
Moaning with contentment, I proceeded to take off the rest of Bella's clothes. Our kisses grew deeper and more rushed, as I laid Bella on her stomach. The blood from my wound was dripping on her back, and I decided to go with her flow. I collected some of it with my hand and wiped it on her entrance, and between her lips. Bella looked back at me, and nodded. I straightened her up, grabbing her face from behind, smearing even more blood places it shouldn't go.
“I guess that was the last bodily fluid we had left to share, Bells.” I said under my breath, before penetrating her. She gasped as I enterered her.
“Are you developping some kind of vampire kink, Jake?” she teased between two whimpers.
“I fucking hate vampires.” I chuckled, twisting her hair back to pull her closer to me.
My wolf healing was having trouble fixing me up, because I was moving too roughly, so my injury kept re-opening as we continued having sex. The sexual pleasure was overriding the pain, though. I was right where I wanted to be.
We were both covered in... well, pretty much everything? Leaves, grass, moss, mud, wood, wildflowers, mist, blood, probably some insects, too. At the bottom of a crevasse, hidden from the world. The mix of smells was something I'd never experienced before: metal, chlorophyl and sexual arousal.
Bella switched positions and got on top, still using the blood from my gash for enhancement. The sight wasn't gorey from my point of view. It was cathartic. Bella was indeed, not made of glass. Her hair was sticking to her forehead from rolling around on the wet forest floor. She was undulating on my cock in a way that could've made me lose my mind. I was moaning louder and louder, no holding back. Never.
I sat up and embraced her tighter, allowing me to fuck her harder and faster. Our bodies were merging in a way that I couldn't think was possible. She responded to me so effortlessly. She reached climax a few minutes after I'd added my fingers in the mix, and I followed shortly after.
I let myself fall on my back, Bella on my stomach. I was carressing her back softly, counting the notches in her spine. It was grounding. 1, 2, 3...
We must have fallen asleep for a while because when I opened my eyes, the sky was orange and red; the sun was setting. I tapped Bella gently on her back. She tried to straighten up and lift her stomach off of mine, but there was resistance.
The gash.
It had started scabbing while I slept. The blood had dried against Bella's skin. Oh this is gonna hurt.
We shared a worried look and Bella proceeded to move off an inch, just to test the waters.
Ouch.
“Again, this is going to hurt, Jake.” she joked.
“Ugh. Go for it. In one go. Like a bandaid.” I ordered.
“Really?” Bella inquired, fear in her eyes.
“Yes.” I replied, teeth clenched, bracing for the pain that was to come. “Please? Like, right now.”
She winced and counted down before literally ripping herself off of my raw skin. I screamed in pain, biting down on the back of my hand but it settled quickly.
“Sorry, Jake.” she cringed.
We looked at eachother for a second, assessing the aftermath of our previous bloody encounter.
“You're filthy, Jake.” Bella laughed, picking a wildflower off my cheek.
“Oh and you are squeaky clean, Bells.” I said, mocking her attitude.
He looked down at her body and her mouth opened in shock. She quite literally looked like she had just stabbed about ten to twelve people and then fell in compost. Which, the latter was pretty accurate, actually.
“There's a river out there,” I said, pointing at a general direction. “We should probably get there before the sun fully sets to scrub all of this off.”
When we got to the riverbank, the sky was astonishingly beautiful. The deep reds, oranges, and purples were simply astounding. The end of a beautiful day. Mother nature's gift. The water was pure and translucent.
“Oh God it's so cold!” Bella commented upon dipping her right foot in.
I was already completely immersed in it, but swam back to her. I splashed Bella playfully as she tried to shield herself from it.
“No choice Bella, it's either that or you sleep in your filth!” I commented, giggling.
She took a few sharp breaths in, held her breath and dove into the river.
“Ah!!!!” she exclaimed, shivering and laughing. She bent backwards to dip her hair into the water and started scrubbing her face. She reminded me of a forest nymph. Like she'd belonged to this water for millenia. Ethereal and vibrant.
I held my hand out to her and pulled her into a hug.
“I'll warm you up, Bells.” I said lovingly. Her eyes were a shade lighter due to the golden hour light.
“You look beautiful, Jake.” she blurted.
“I was just thinking the same thing.” I chuckled, as I kissed her shoulder.
“I'm scared about tomorrow.” she suddenly muttered.
“What are you scared of, Bells?” I asked earnestly. As long as I was there to protect her, nothing, and I mean nothing would happen to her.
“What do you think is going to happen once I get control over my shield?” she inquired, her eyes full of worry.
“I'm not sure, Bells. I imagine I'm going to fall to my knees and finally imprint on you. Still not a fan of the whole concept, but you know, I'd rather imprint on you than on some random girl.” I sighed.
“What if nothing happens? Or what if it changes everything?” she asked, her tone flat.
“Old Quil said that could be a possibility. But we have a connection, nonetheless. Whatever happens, we have to hang on to what we have now.” I said in an attempt to reassure her.
“What if you finally see me for who I am, unfiltered, mask off, and you get thrown off? Or what if it kills our connection completely?” she mumbled, spiraling.
“I don't know what to tell you, Bells. I don't know how this ends either. Everything you listed is in the realm of possibilities, so we'll just have to wait and see.” I said calmly, trying to appease her, smoothing her hair. I was trying to sound confident but I was worried stiff. “I guess everything is up in the air. We can only accept it. It's out of our control.”
I felt her nod into my neck. Her breathing was calming down now. I heard her sniffle. She was crying.
“Bells... Look at me.” I whispered.
“I don't want to lose you, Jake.” she sobbed, “Part of me wants to just skip this whole ordeal and not risk changing our connection; but another part knows that learning to lower my shield is the only way to get Edward off my back.”
I understood her dilemma. We had been in a limbo these past few weeks and it was just not viable. We were playing with fire and something had to put an end to this situation, even if it meant big changes. Unwanted changes. I had no reason to believe that my feelings toward her would switch after she'd lower her shield. I had loved Bella through different phases of life. I had loved her since before I even became a werewolf. I was pretty positive I'd love her the same when we're 85 years old on rocking chairs out on our porch.
But part of me was doubting her feelings for me. What we have now was just so new. I had my own what ifs floating around in my mind. What if we lost our visions ability and she loses interest in me? What if she becomes a mind reader – or something – and is seduced by Edward's thoughts all over again?
Who knows. My gut instinct wasn't too clear. I couldn't tell whether it was just anxiety or whether something was actually looming over us. I was so used to being in fight or flight that I couldn't tell anymore.
“Your spark came back.” Bella said, out of the blue.
“What do you mean?” I inquired.
“You used to have that spark in your eyes. Before you turned into a werewolf. A sort of child-like wonder, a lightness to you.” she explained. “It completely disappeared when you joined the pack. Your eyes became somber and... dead.” A sad smile drew on her face. “It came back the night after the newborn fight. I am petrified to take it away from you again if things go array with my shield.”
I looked down to my feet. Examined the clear water flowing around me. Pebbles. Branches. A wave of sadness came over me. She'd noticed. She'd noticed how the curse of shapeshifting changed me to my core. I bit the inside of my cheek. A mixture of melancholy and anger.
I kissed her forehead. She was shaking like a leaf from the temperature of the water.
“Let's get you out of the water, Bells. Before you lose your toes.” I chuckled, attempting to close the topic at hand for tonight.
“Jake, this shield thing... I want it to be the last time I subject my life to the arbitrary hands of some supernatural and intangible force. After this, I want to be in control of my decisions. And of my future. Like a normal human.” Bella declared.
So, she felt the same way. She craved to reclaim who decides of the trajectory of her life. Herself.
“Agreed.” I nodded.