Chapter Text
You fidget with the pen instead of putting it down, a dull ache throbbing on your fingertips from gripping it tightly while you were scribbling away frantically with a pen of resolve.
You are on a mission–jotting down notes in class like each word could get you a first class seat to Luuk's heart, making sure to pay full attention to each of his classes
Is your strategy working?
Totally. Not.
After your encounter with Hyvatia last week, the doctor has gone back to professional mode. Kind words, polite smiles that never quite reach the eyes.
No more teasing. No more "Little Miss".
Infirmary visits had been short, straight to the point, with him instantly moving on to the next patient, disregarding you like a piece of old newspaper.
The slight pang in your heart and longing in your eyes were ignored every time. You played along, pretending your heart wasn't shattering to pieces whenever you exited the infirmary, rewarded avoidance for your pitiful existence.
What happened?
The question stays like a persistent itch in your brain, distracting you from all other tasks. The memories of him chatting and laughing with other student rewind themselves in your brain thousand times a day; each smile hits harder when you remember it's not meant for you.
Well, that's acceptable. What's unacceptable is acting like you don't exist. Right now, you desperately need his validation, your patience drying out days ago.
You'd do anything for it. The lack of dopamine has you melting into a puddle of sadness and depression.
"...Could you come up to the board to solve this equation, please?"
Your heart leaps up to your throat, did he just call your name? The world fades into view once again, playing in front of you like a slow-mo; your eyes focus on a piercing crimson stare–
He's looking straight towards you.
Could he have a worse timing...
If only you could melt into an actual puddle and get washed down the drain now.
The whole class stares at you, awaiting, pinning you with their sharp gazes. Your heart rate spikes, panic washing across your body in strong waves, freezing your limbs in place.
You don't dare look at them, you can feel them–their stares of judgement and scrutiny, as if dissecting your every move to classify you as incompetent, inadequate.
Your fingers curl up, nails digging into the soft flesh of your palm.
Do you really have a choice?
You slowly stand up, keeping your head down. The click of your shoes against the floor seems to loudly echo in the silent classroom. With each step, you pass by stares that feel like the judge's final verdict.
You walk up to stand in front of the board–giant, cold, imposing. Scribbled on it is an equation containing foreign variables and weird constants you have never seen in your life.
Helplessness flows to your fingertips, settling like a nervous hum. Maybe, if you'd paid attention to Luuk instead of thinking about paying attention to him, you could write down a few lines from memory.
You hope nobody notices the trembling of your fingers.
It's unfair. So, so unfair.
You're basically a primary school student competing against top college students, some of them are future professors and researchers.
"I'm sorry, I...can't solve it."
A beat of silence.
Hushed murmurs gradually rise across the classroom, not trying to hide the mockery and disdain.
"Ehhh?..."
"Is she for real..."
"That's, like, the easiest one in this chapter... Lol."
...
"Silence."
Your gaze flickers up toward Luuk's. The aura of quiet, calm authority is what first attracted you to him. One word, and the whole class fell silent.
You search his eyes for the familiar warmth he once showed you when you first helplessly stumbled into this world. For anything.
Anything that could bridge a connection between you and his mind.
But alas, when you finally lock eyes with him, you're met with two still red pools. Not a splash, no ripples.
Indifference.
"You may go back to your seat."
...That's it...That's it?
You walk back through the narrow gap between seats feeling smaller than before, with mocking stares piercing like needles into your soul. A soft chuckle rings across from the other side of the class. A female student.
Ignore it. They don't matter. But what does matter is your campus doctor and teacher. Luuk.
Is he looking at you? Does he think you're a slacker? Or, maybe, he's wondering what's up with the new student...He must think you're a weirdo, just like the others.
You don't dare risk a glance behind. Would you find the same indifference, or worse–a look of disappointment, perhaps? Either way, the haunting memory will carve itself a place deep inside your rotten chest.
You don't bother pulling the chair closer to the table. Sitting down, you huddle your hands in front of you, on top of your notebook.
Out of side, out of mind.
Everything seems back to normal.
After solving the equation himself, instead of calling on another unfortunate student, he continues his lesson
But things feel far from normal.
The rest of class passes like a lucid dream, with you feeling like an outsider observing a place not meant for you. You zone out again, staring out the window with a solemn gaze.
Luckily, no one calls on you again. The bell rings, signaling the end of classes and start of lunch break. You keep sitting, looking off towards the distant horizons.
The doctor gathers his stuff in a relaxed stance, as if it's just another lecture for him.
Maybe, because, it is.
He walks out the door after some kind of announcement regarding an assignment. His words blend into the slurred chatter of students around you.
A sigh escapes past your lips.
Not even a glance.
Huh... who cares. You can manage on your own.
But you certainly can't manage the headache around your temples, intensifying each minute.
Staying up late took its toll on your body.
You were reading a book about voidmatters. Unfortunately, that's not what Luuk's course is about. If only you studied beforehand for his class...
You notice the ginger girl again, this time complaining in a hushed tone about "so many weirdos in the class". You deliberately ignore the side eyes from other critics like her.
Hm?
Is that Rover?
Sitting two tables ahead, putting his notebooks inside his bag. Calm and collected as ever. If it isn't the academy's golden boy...
The loneliness eating you up from the inside needs a distraction.
"Hi."
Before you can decide whether to approach him or not, he's beside your table, looming over you with a polite smile.
"You are the girl who got targeted by Hyvatia, right?"
Way to make a reputation.
"Yes..."
Slipping one arm inside a strap of his backpack, he pushes it up his shoulder.
"How're you doing?" You try to ignore how his voice sounds good in the most sinful of ways.
"Okay, I guess," you shrug, telling half the truth.
Doing okay in other aspects of your life, for now. Strolling around the campus, gaming during your free time with Lynae, and actually taking riding lessons from her before going out on a bike on your own. And studying till midnight in the suffocating quiet of your dorm room to barely pass your tests.
"That's good to know. Doctor Luuk was talking about you."
Your ears perk up, a sudden jolt of energy rushing through you.
"He was?" You hope you sound normal.
"Yeah, he said you've been missing your scheduled appointments for 2 weeks."
Your eyes widen, lips parting in shock as you gasp out. Two weeks?
"Huh?!"
"Yes?" Rover gives you a confused look.
"Oh, err..." You thought it was one, which is not so good either.
Great. Now, you're losing your sense of time. Here, you were thinking you only missed two appointments...
He gave you a whole ass schedule of checkups for the month, which you deemed unnecessary and over the top. You wonder why. A part of you wishes it's to see you, but that's a fool's dream.
"Well, did he have anything to say about it?"
"He was concerned about your health at first, but, you seemed to be doing just fine." He shrugs, "He decided to let you be."
You stare at him blankly.
Luuk's been expecting you? But if his behaviour says anything, he's keeping you at two arms length while chatting and joking with others.
Rover's face shifts into a look of concern.
"Gotta stay alive for the assignment, newbie," a sprinkle of smugness in his words, "Take care of yourself."
You scoff.
"Wait, what assignment?"
You totally forgot about it.
"A group assignment. Doctor Luuk assigned the members himself," he adds after a pause, "You can find the related file in his course page."
Oh.
Calculated and methodical as ever, isn't he.
You wonder who you got grouped with.
"Can I ask you something else?" You fidget with the corner of the page of today's notes.
"What?" He stares at you, waiting.
You pretend not to care, focusing on the dog-eared page, "Well, Luuk... He seems to be avoiding me?"
"Hm? Is it because of the CPR that things got awkward between you two?"
A soft chuckle rings in your ears when you let out a choked yelp.
"What things between us?!" You ignore the heat creeping up your neck, "it's just, he- he's still as nice as ever, just, not to me..."
You sink deeper into your seat, shoulders slumped despite your attempts at acting unbothered.
"Well, you did say that he tastes so good and you'd break heavenly principles to sleep with him."
"WHAT?!"
"And that he has the body of a Greek God. While touching his abs, may I add."
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck
You feel your soul ascend to heavens, not even metaphorically. You feel it exiting your body, looking back to throw an "adios" before leaving you in your mess (consequences of your own actions).
Rover watches you stare blankly at him.
"Are you alright?"
"No."
"Fair enough."
No. No, because what do you even do with that information?
You don't remember any of it.
You touched his abs?
His abs?!
When?!
Why?!
"...Did I say anything else?"
Rover suddenly finds your dog-eared notebook page very interesting, mimicking your attempt at avoiding a certain topic.
Your stomach drops.
"What."
"Nothing."
"Rover," you plead.
"You asked if he was single? He grabbed your hand and said yes."
HUH.
"You were grabbing his face," he explains. "You asked, like, four times before he had to intervene."
Oh.
Well, this one's not as bad as the others, eh.
You've embarrassed yourself enough in front of the doctor.
How do I fix this?
After thinking long and hard for 5 seconds, you come to the conclusion that you can not, indeed, fix this mess you've got yourself into. He saved you from drowning; you went ahead and jumped into lava right after.
"Ugh... Can you tell me what the assignment is about?
"Oh yes, but, first," He motions toward the door, "shall we?"
You look around to find the class empty, you two being the only ones left behind.
"Oh, yes. Yes, let's go."
Shit, you've been talking to him all alone. You pray to the Sentinels that you don't get tangled in some academy gossip involving Rover.
But when have the Sentinels ever listened to you?
Maybe I'd like it? Could be a distraction from Luuk.
"So, about that..."
Rover explains the topic for the upcoming group project as you two head towards the cafeteria, walking side by side.