Chapter Text
The wind died down around them, and Loki let go of Thor’s hand. He raised his head, wearily, to see who would still be there, waiting for his return.
They all were.
Paused mid movement, interrupted by the gods’ sudden appearance, he could see how whatever they had been talking about was completely forgotten as all eyes turned to them. No one spoke, and as the silence grew he saw how their expectant faces started to change into worried expressions, apart from Natasha’s, who as per usual gave away nothing. And as heartbreaking as it was to see the apprehension grow on his friends’ faces, he found nothing to say to calm them.
The silence was finally broken by Tony, who stepped towards him.
"Bambi! Welcome back! Did all go as planned?"
Loki could hear the forced joyfulness in his voice, willing the answer to his question to be yes, but already knowing that it wasn’t. His eyes met Tony’s, but still he couldn’t speak. It was Thor who came to his rescue.
"My brother went to turn down the offer of his memories being returned to him. But…"
He broke off, as he couldn’t actually say what had taken place while he had been out of the room. After two hours he had been summoned, found his brother sprawled out on the floor and Odin gone. Loki had looked up at him, tears still streaming from his eyes, and simply stated “soon I will remember you, brother”. Thor had held him then, and when the tears had dried, Loki had asked him to take him back.
And here they were.
"What happened?" Steve’s anxious voice urged, as he took a few steps forward. "Did Odin not respect your choice?"
Loki looked sadly at him, wondering how long it would take before the caring worry he could see in the man’s eyes would vanish.
"The choice was mine, but the stakes were higher than I had foreseen", he answered, voice cracked from defeat.
Fury took a step forward, a growing anger rising in his voice.
"So are you telling me you’re back to your usual self?" he growled.
Loki could see Thor tense at his tone and he quickly turned to the man to answer.
"Not yet. His return will be gradual. I cannot say when I end and he begins. Or when I am whole once more."
Loki’s eyes moved past Fury to find Barton, who was standing staring at him, in shock. Loki looked back at him, before offering words he had offered before, fully knowing it would again be in vain.
"I’m sorry."
Barton just stared at him for a few more moments, before turning around to leave. Fury called out to stop him.
"Agent Barton! You are not released from duty!"
But Barton left, and Loki’s shoulders slumped. Fury glared at the people around him.
"Right, if this god is turning back to his old self I need him back at base."
Thor stepped in front of Loki, placing himself between his brother and the director.
"I strongly advise you to leave my brother be, Fury", he warned, and a faint rumble of thunder could be heard coming from the horizon, where storm clouds suddenly had started gathering, and were steadily growing.
Fury, however, did not back down.
"You’re on earth now, Thor, and I will do what is within my power to protect its people. If that includes locking your crazy brother up, then so be it."
A crack of lightening was seen in the distance as a reply to his words, but before anyone else could react Tony stepped into the middle of the room.
"Everybody out, save the gods", he stated matter-of-factly.
"You are not in a position to give me orders, Stark!" Fury snapped, but Tony just lifted up his hands, showcasing the silver bracelets Loki remembered from day one.
"Fury, I’m fucking past caring. I’m telling you now, if you don’t fucking leave my tower, I’m suiting up and blasting you out of it."
Fury looked as if he could murder Tony, but before he got a chance to reply Steve stepped in.
"With all due respect, sir", he offered in a low voice. "If Bruce hulks out, we won’t be able to control who he attacks in this small area. Thor is on our side, and Tony has his suit. They will manage the situation. We won’t be able to do anything here."
Fury didn’t take his eyes, blazing with rage, off Tony, who offered stubborn anger in return.
"Rogers, Romanov and Banner, you leave with me", Fury barked after a few quiet moments.
The two men walked with him into the elevator, but Natasha remained standing, looking at Loki.
"Romanov!" Fury called, annoyed.
But still she didn’t move, simply replied in a flat voice.
"I answer to no man, unless I feel like it. You’d do well to remember that, Fury."
As the elevator door closed Loki could see Fury clenching his fists, and Banner and Rogers shifting uncomfortably.
Loki was anxious.
"Tell them! Tell them why you chose to let me return! Make them understand that not everything is lost!"
Impatiently he kept trying to speak his thoughts out loud, but the only words coming over his body’s lips were still ones he did not control.
Loki turned to look at Tony, who still stood in the center of the room, staring at the closed elevator door. His hands were dying to reach out to touch the man, to hold him and assure him that it would be alright. But he couldn’t, as it was not a promise he dared make.
Suddenly, Tony spoke, voice forced into sounding level and practical.
"So your memory will return?"
"Yes", Loki whispered, feeling like he was admitting to a grave betrayal.
"Do you know when? You said gradually, has it started?"
Loki searched his insides, but couldn’t feel any difference from the day before, other than despair.
"I don’t think so."
"Will your magic powers be returned to you?"
At this Thor turned to look at Loki, obviously also curious of the answer. Loki paused, considering if he should lie to calm the man, as the situation was already so far out of his control.
"Somewhat, yes."
At this Tony spun around and looked at him, suspicious and with a wary distance in his eyes that cut through Loki.
"‘Somewhat’?"
Loki took a step towards him, raising his hands pleadingly as he tried to remember what Odin had told him.
"My full powers are still kept by Odin, and will remain so for the foreseeable future, but there are parts of it that will return to me like a second language. Magic is made up of many fractions, and Odin could not rid me of all of it, even though I asked him to. But what I will be capable of doing will be no threat to you, I swear."
At this Tony gave a short laugh, which sounded bitter.
"I wish I could believe you, Bambi. I really do."
He turned to Thor.
"So what now, big man? Why have you come back here with him?"
Thor frowned at the question.
"This is where my brother wished to go."
Tony narrowed his eyes at the god.
"Right. But why? When Olden Goldie returns, he’s just gonna try and kill us all, so I rather have you take him back with you and rid us of him before that happens."
At this more thunder rolled from the skies, still far away, but rapidly advancing.
"You watch your tongue, man of iron", Thor threatened. "I have seen how deeply Loki cares for you, and I will not have you hurt him!"
At this Tony lost his temper and stepped up to the god, ignoring how he was towering above him.
"Hurt HIM? Fuck you, Thor! Do you have any idea how I feel? Your baby brother is thrown into my lap, left on my doorstep for me to look after. Which I do, cause I’m a nice guy. Turns out, he’s a nice guy too, and before I know it he’s wormed his way into my life and into a place not many people have fucking set foot before. And just as I’ve come to accept this – which was a fucking huge effort on my behalf, I’ll have you know – YOU turn up and drag him away, only to have him return, telling me he won’t be here much longer! Why? Cause his fucking evil other self is coming back to claim the space!"
Tony pointed at Loki, but kept his eyes on Thor. Even so, Loki could see there were tears in them.
"HE’S NOT THE ONE HURTING HERE!"
Silence fell over the room, and the only sound that was heard was Tony’s hard breathing, after having yelled at Thor. Loki tried to keep his voice steady as he spoke.
"Thor. Natasha. Would you please leave us?"
Thor, seeming deflated from Tony’s outburst, turned to Loki and nodded sadly.
"Call for me and I will be by your side, brother."
Loki was surprised at Thor’s willingness to abide his request. Usually his brother was incapable of stepping back when Loki was in trouble. He felt himself form words he hadn’t aimed at Thor for many years.
"Thank you", Loki said, and was met by another brief nod from Thor before the wind had him vanish.
Loki turned to look at Natasha, who walked up to him. He drew a shaky breath, fighting to hold back tears that were threatening to spill. It was all falling apart in his hands. She looked at him, as controlled as always, for which he was now grateful.
"If you need to, you come stay with me", she informed him. "I am not afraid of you. I never was."
Loki felt warmth welling through him at her invite, which he was almost certain wasn’t a trap.
"Thank you", Loki smiled before realizing something. "I always admired you."
The woman offered him a small smile at that.
"You’re starting to remember", she stated. "You better clear things with Tony whilst he still has a chance to trust you. I’ll be two floors down. Jarvis will inform me if things go bad."
With those words she turned to leave and Loki once more felt himself smile at her departing back. Then he turned to Tony, who was stood with his eyes closed, breathing mechanically. He walked over, careful not to get too close even though he was aching to.
"Tony", he said softly, and the man opened his eyes to look at him.
Loki tried to assure himself that he could see a small flicker of hope among all the hurt in Tony’s eyes.
"We need to explain to him! We need to make him understand!"
"Can I please explain?" Loki whispered, to which Tony shrugged.
"Sure. It was probably me reading too much into it anyway. I wouldn’t have chosen me either."
At this Loki reached out and gripped his wrists, which this time had Tony flinch, but at least he didn’t move away.
"I would’ve chosen you!" Loki insisted with desperation in his voice. "But had I chosen to dismiss my memories, the other version of me, the part of my mind belonging to him, would have been caught inside me forever."
Loki bent down slightly to make Tony meet his gaze, as he continued.
"All this time, the old Loki has been locked inside me, seeing what I see and feeling what I feel, but unable to control his body. Or my body. This body."
Tony frowned, but Loki wasn’t sure he would be able to explain it any better than that.
"Are you saying…" Tony started, confused. "That the old Loki has been here all along?"
Loki nodded.
"According to Odin, yes."
Tony’s eyes moved rapidly before him as he was thinking back to all that had happened over the past days. He then looked at Loki.
"When we were… I mean, when we had… He was THERE?"
Loki couldn’t help but give the man a small smile.
"Apparently."
Tony stared at him, before breaking out into laughter. Loki’s smile widened, partly from hearing the man laugh, but mainly cause he was still holding him by the wrists, and Tony didn’t seem to mind. After a moment Tony calmed down and turned to Loki again.
"Now he’s DEFINITELY gonna kill me!" he pointed out, but couldn’t help but smiling slightly.
Loki was overcome by a strong sense of certainty.
"I won’t", he promised. "As long as I get to do it again, when I actually have full control of my body."
Tony tensed, smile faltering. He wriggled out of Loki’s grip and took a small step back.
"Is he coming back now?" he asked, worry apparent in his voice. "How do I know when he’s back?"
Loki felt frustration well through his insides as Tony moved away from him, but knew he had to tread carefully.
"You won’t", he found himself being able to say. "You can only choose to trust me when I tell you that I remember everything, and that I still share the feelings the Loki from yesterday felt for you."
However, his body was still not moving the way he wanted, which perhaps was good, as all he was dying to do was reach out and kiss Tony. Yet his body remained still, and Tony didn’t move further back. Loki continued.
"It’s probably best if I go stay with Natasha."
He hoped Tony would object to this, but the man just nodded slowly, looking at the floor between them.
"I’ve done a lot of bad things", Loki then said in a quiet voice. "I deserved the punishment I got. And I was certain that the other me would condemn me to an eternity of non existence, as I was surely worthy of nothing more. But when he…"
He broke off. He couldn’t continue, he couldn’t find the words to explain to Tony how the fact that his lesser self had chosen to save him, at the same time giving away his chance of happiness and a new life, had forced Loki to realize that what he had always told himself was false.
He was not worthless. Inside him was the same regard for right and wrong as he, growing up, had admired so in his brother. Something that had later come to represent everything he hated and resented because it stood for what he was not. He had been certain that he was thoroughly selfish and cynical, and taken pride in this, which was why he had been driven to the brink of insanity as he fully expected his lesser self to condemn him to a lonely hell.
Loki looked at Tony, who had raised his eyes to meet his.
"I’ll walk you out", Tony finally sighed.
Standing in the elevator, Loki turned around to face Tony, who had his hand on the door, preventing it from shutting. Loki vainly prayed he would never let go, as he knew that the next time they saw each other, everything would be different.
"I’ll come see you", Tony promised, before smiling wryly. "I suppose there’ll be a whole other Loki I need to get to know."
Loki responded, with a careful smile.
"I hope you do. We can listen to our song."
At this Tony gave a short laugh, and Loki felt a hopeful spark light inside him at the sound.
"I better let you go", Tony stated, after a few moments' silence, though he didn’t move.
Loki nodded again, and forced himself to press the button for two floors down. He turned to Tony again, intending to face him bravely.
"Good bye, Tony."
As a reply, Tony leaned forward and kissed him.
The kiss was only brief, and after Tony broke it, he stepped back without a word, allowing the elevator door to close.
Still, it affected Loki even more than the previous ones they had shared, as he somehow knew that a part of this one was meant for him.