Chapter Text
She had not really liked the girl Brennan had brought home but he was only 14 years old when they had started seeing each other and his options at an outpost were limited. She knew how that was. Her first boyfriend hadn’t been a good match either. He had been a callous asshole in retrospect and they had both just exploited each other because, … well they were the only teenagers of similar age at the outpost and they had wanted to be in a relationship and it had not truly mattered to them who it was with. Their only wish had been that it was a child of a rider and that the other person wanted to experiment with sex and a relationship. She hadn’t wanted the actual feelings and he hadn’t either.
Brennan had wanted a real relationship but she suspected he had been just as blind to the fact that the person hadn’t fit just as she had been. Just in a different aspect.
She wasn’t illusional to the fact that her son had wanted to experiment in the physical department as well. He was a boy after all and boys were always like that. A great portion of their brain was in their trousers and her son was no different. She had made sure that he knew how to be protected and had gotten a few preservatives for him just to be safe, but she doubted that it had actually gotten that far with them. For one she was not stupid. She had checked if the preservatives were still there and they were. Every one of them. And secondly her son had chosen the daughter of a healer. They were not as liberal as the rider families and Lilith knew her parents of course. The mother was a civilian who worked as a nanny at the outpost and the father was a healer and she had rarely met people who were more prude. With her position as the commandant of the outpost she was always respectable and did not behave as the other riders did and she was of course married so she didn’t fuck around like the unmarried ones did but even she had been too open for them. Lilith had wanted to make sure that her son and the girl acted responsible even in the quarters of the girl’s parents and had spoken to them about their children. She had asked how they stood to their children’s relationship and she had gathered that Poppy’s parents thought they were just talking and maybe holding bit of hands. When she had carefully hinted that it might be a possibility that the children might like to do more they had been affronted. Their daughter was only fifteen. Lilith had not understood the argument. She had done a hell of a lot more when she was fifteen and even at fourteen - Brennan’s age at that time - Lilith had done a hell of a lot more than handholding. She thought it stupid that they had closed their eyes to the possibility that their daughter was not so little anymore and might not be the chaste little angel they thought her to be. And while Poppy obviously hadn’t been ready for sex she sure as hell was no chaste angel. She was often at their quarters and Brennen and his girlfriend were not as subtle and quiet as they thought they were. After the first evening when the girl came out of Brennan’s room and had tried to pull her collar up to cover a hickey Lilith had continually and conveniently forgotten to pack away her concealer in the morning.
They were teenagers for heavens sake. It was normal.
After Lilith’s indication that their children would maybe like to do more Brennan hadn’t really been welcomed at their quarters anymore. As if that would change anything. They didn’t dare to forbid the relationship out of fear they would insult Colonel Sorrengail but one could make clear what you thought without actually speaking it out loud.
Oh Brennan had been so mad at her. He had never been so mad. He didn’t dare to really shout at her but he had wanted to. He had been trembling with rage and he had accused her of meddling and embarrassing him. She had told him that he would have to deal with it and if her parents had a problem with him spending time in their quarters that Poppy was always welcomed in the Sorrengail household.
She even liked it better that way because from the looks of it Poppy’s parents had not made sure that she had the possibility to protect herself.
She had told her son again to make sure he was protected so there would be no child or illness. He should wait with children until he had graduated and was married. She had even offered that if Poppy’s parents didn’t want to give her fertility suppressants she would get them for her. That it would not be a real problem since she could get them with her own.
Her son had been horribly embarrassed by that as teenagers were and had told her that it wasn’t like that with them.
She had told him that he and Poppy could always change their mind if they were ready. They hadn’t.
She was fine with that. It definitely meant that her son had been respectful and hadn’t pressured the girl. Just like she had taught him.
And she was not sad that the relationship had ended after one year, when Brennan was fifteen.
It was not that she truly disliked the girl. She had just not been right for Brennan. She was kind and nice and very polite but she was so delicate. Brennan had obviously liked that the girl looked up to him even though he was younger than her and he had liked caring for her. Protecting her. He could be the strong boy. But he needed someone who could do the same for him. Who could be strong for him too and someone who could talk back to him. But the girl was meek and a yes sayer.
Lilith hadn’t said anything and had not let on that she thought them ill matched. They were children and they needed to make their own experiences.
And after a year they had come to a point where the rose colored glasses didn’t cover everything anymore.
Their goals in life were too different.
The girl wanted to have children as soon as she was 18 or 19 and wanted to settle in a small village far away from the border. She wanted a calm civilian life. She didn’t want to get conscripted. Brennan wanted to be a rider. There was nothing he wanted more. He was diligent in his training and Lilith had not needed to remind him once of it even when he had been head over heels for the girl in the first months of their relationship.
That was not compatible and after one year they had finally realized that.
While she knew the separation had been necessary and she herself was not sad about that she felt for her son. Their love had been nothing like the love Asher and her had but she was very sure that it had moved beyond the stage of puppy love. While she herself had not experienced the heartbreak of a failed relationship on that scale she knew how much love could hurt and most of all she knew her son and she could see him suffering.
She knew he didn’t want pity and she knew he didn’t want to talk about it. At least not with her. If he wanted to talk he would most likely go to Asher. But she saw that he was prone to wallowing and became a moody teenager.
She took him out a bit. Did a field exercise in the forest next to the outpost. This way he was challenged and busy and he was reminded that breaking it off with the girl had been the right decision because he loved training for the riders quadrant and as a special treat when he mastered the exercise in the forest she took him to the edge of the landing field were most of the dragons of the outpost resided.
Naturally they kept their distance because dragons wouldn’t tolerate someone in their midst who was not a rider but she could point out the different breeds and teach him about dragon kind in more interesting way than just with books.
And when they had finished Aimsir had come over.
Brennan had taken a respectful step back so he wouldn’t come to close to her.
Aimsir would never harm Brennan but she would not appreciate him coming too close.
The time when Aimsir had accepted her children on her back or between her talons was over. They were too old now.
But Aimsir had been a bit tickled in her pride that Brennan had watched her in awe. Lilith had shown him to look after the scales and had demonstrated how to mount a dragon.
When she dismounted again Aimsir had nudged her shoulder.
„He will make a good rider one day. You can be proud of your offspring.“
„I know.“ She had answered.
„It’s good that he is rid of that girl. He needs a rider.“ Aimsir had continued with an arrogant sniff.
„You know perfectly well that there compatible partners that are not riders and he is still young. He has time.“ Lilith chided.
„Just because you had to go and get yourself a scribe.“ Aimsir huffed. „I have hopes that this one will choose better.“
„Aimsir!“ Really it was ridiculous. Aimsir liked Asher but ever since she had gotten together with Asher she had to mock Lilith for choosing a scribe.
Aimsir had growled at that and turned and left them. „You know it’s not just that.“
„Yes I know.“ She answered a bit annoyed. In recent years it had not only been the lighthearted mocking. While Aimsir had always liked Asher she was now not his biggest fan anymore.
Aimsir was slowly getting better with Asher again. Sometimes the days were better and sometimes they were worse. But six years had passed since that incident that had made Aimsir dislike Asher. Aimsir should be over it by now.
After Asher had taken Violet to the temple in Aretia and after what he had done… Lilith had been so distraught and Aimsir had been appalled as well. While Lilith couldn’t really forgive Asher for what he had done she had come to be able to live with it in the recent years. She loved him so much that she could overlook this fault he had made in her opinion. She could in a way understand his motivation. He wanted to safe Violet and in a way it had helped. Her body was less frail than before but the price… She still didn’t think that he had fully grasped the consequences of his actions. But he understood the betrayal.
She had been truly heartbroken at his actions and in the months that followed. That her husband had betrayed her like that and had gone behind her back like that just made it worse. Next to the loss of her pregnancy about ten years ago this had been the most heartbreaking thing she had ever experienced. Maybe it was even worse. Aimsir had felt her pain and had still not truly forgiven Asher for that. And Aimsir had understood what Asher had done and what the consequences were and how truly horrific that was. What Asher had done to Violet. The price she would have to pay. Aimsir liked Violet. She was protective of her and so she had not only been affronted on Lilith’s behalf but on Violet’s as well.
She looked at her son. Yes she did know heartbreak that followed if something went wrong in a relationship.
After Asher had done that she had applied for a month long deployment at Calldyr and had taken the children with her. She hadn’t been able to look at him. She hadn’t been able to live with him under the same roof. Usually she left the children with him when she went on a mission or was ordered somewhere else for a shorter amount of time but not this time. To her children she had said it was an adventure and a treat because they behaved so well and to Asher she had said that a month was too long. She would miss them too much and Violet was too small anyway. She needed her baby with her. Asher had seen right through her of course and had said if it was so long he could apply to move with her for a month and she had told him no. She didn’t want him around and she didn’t trust him with her children anymore. He had been so wounded by that that he had let her go. And she was so glad that he had let her leave without a bigger fight. The one they had after he came back from the temple and had to explain Violet’s partly silver hair had been bad enough. She was glad to be without him at Calldyr. It was the only time she had ever seriously considered divorce. But gods had she been miserable at Calldyr. She had missed him so much.
And when she had come back after her deployment to Calldyr she had thought that they could get over it because she had missed him so much. And for the first week or so it had worked. They had been so glad to have each other again. But then they had begun to argue again and one day Violet had caught a cold and Asher had said. „It is good that I did what I did. She would be so much worse now. She would struggle breathing and now it is just a small sniffle. It was worth it.“ And she had exploded at that.
He had understood nothing. He had still not fully understood what he had done. And they had fought for the whole night. It was the worst fight they ever had. And at the end he had accused her of running when it became difficult, referencing to her month in Calldyr, how he wouldn’t do that. How he did the things necessary for their family. He howled at her that the Curator had asked him if he wanted to do a two months long mission to the isle kingdoms and that he had declined because of her. Because of his family. Because how important his family was to him. She had been baffled that he hadn’t told her. To her that was another break of trust and she had told him that he shouldn’t hold back on his career for them. That maybe he should write to the Curator that he would take the mission after all. That maybe it was better for the family if he actually left for a while because it couldn’t be good that they were only fighting. The children would soon notice.
That had shocked both of them.
The realization that their relationship was at a point where it harmed their family. They decided to take a break while he was away. They would still stay married and stay true to each other, but they needed the time apart to think about them. To figure out how or worse, if they could move on from it.
The following four months were the worst of her life. She was at home alone at an outpost with three small children. Violet was sickly and needed a hell of a lot attention and Mira missed her father so much she was almost constantly asking after him and either cried or threw a tantrum when Lilith told her that their father was on a mission and would come back in a few months and Brennan had retreated. He had taken it as his responsibility to help her and while she was on shift the nannies to take care of Violet and calm and distract Mira. On top of that she had to manage an outpost almost all by herself because the Colonel responsible was a lazy piece of shit.
And when she fell into bed totally exhausted she thought of Asher. Every day. Of what he had done, of how they fought but also of how much she missed him and how much she loved him. She didn’t know what she should do. Being a single mother of three was fucking hard but she couldn’t stay with him just because of that. Especially not just because of that since she didn’t trust him with their children anymore.
But she loved him so much. There was no one who understood her like he did. No one who could make her laugh as he did. No one who cared for her like he did and no one with whom she could be as free as with him.
It had been a constant struggle in her mind and Aimsir had been annoyed as hell since she had to listen to her thoughts day in and day out. She was pissed at Lilith and very angry at Asher. Aimsir had a clear opinion on what Lilith should do. Aimsir wanted Lilith to allow her to burn him. She was even more annoyed that Lilith wouldn’t allow that. She was always annoyed at Lilith these days at least until Lilith cried. Which happened rather often. At least every other day. But even crying for your relationship was not easy if you had three children. Violet slept in her room so she needed to cry in silence. And her other two sometimes came into her bed when they couldn’t sleep because they missed their father. Even Brennan who had already been eight at that point.
It had been so fucking hard. But the first two months were nothing compared to what followed. When Asher didn’t come back after the two months she was even more distraught. She worried so much for him. And she feared that the last thing they had done was fighting. That the last thing she had said to him was that she didn’t know anymore if they could stay married.
And after four weeks of him missing in action leadership had wanted to declare him dead and she had fought tooth and nail for that not to happen. She couldn’t accept that there was a world were Asher was not with her anymore and with that she realized she would move on from what he did because her need to be with him was greater than her anger and her feeling of betrayal. Her love for him was bigger. She loved him enough for her to overlook what he had done. But leadership had not listened to her. She was only a Lieutenant Colonel. She did not have enough influence yet. She had even tried to speak to General Caltprain and tried to convince her that Asher would come back. She had even pleaded to give him a few more weeks and she never pleaded for anything but she had only gotten a look of pity from her.
And then they had declared him dead. It had hurt so damn much. She had still told herself that they were all wrong. That he would come back to her and her children.
And all the people at the outpost or at Calldyr who offered their condolences and recommended his soul to Malek… She had snapped at each and every one of them that she didn’t need condolences and they should not dare to recommend his soul to Malek because he was not dead. She had gotten many pitiful glances in the following days and soon people had begun to ask when the burning of his things would be taking place and she had snapped again that there would be no burning because Asher would come back and if they dared to say anything to her children she would kill them herself.
In her outpost no one had dared to openly question her but at Calldyr General Caltprain had called her in. She had been concerned that Lilith was losing it.
Lilith had asked if she was unhappy how she did her job and the General had said no to that. So Lilith had said she could remove her from her post if she didn’t do her work anymore but that this was private and had nothing to do with her work for the crown.
The General had left her in peace after that.
But gods had those weeks been awful. And suddenly she had gotten the message that his ship had been sighted near Fiery. She had left her children with the nannies even if it wasn’t their job to look after them while she wasn’t on shift and had flown to Fiery immediately. Nothing could hold her at her post. She had only taken the time to put in personal leave for two days and after the rumors of the ship sighting had gone around not even the Colonel had dared to question her.
She had flown on Aimsir right to the port and had dismounted running along the shore to the landing stage were she saw a ship. And there he stood. Worse for wear. Something had definitely gone wrong on their travels. He had been pale and drawn hand he had lost weight but from the way he moved she could see that he was not injured. He was collecting his things and hadn’t noticed her yet.
After she had taken in his sight for a second and had realized that he was in fact not injured everything else just happened.
She had no control over her mind anymore. Her heart almost stopped and then started again in an unforgiving pace and her love for him swelled so much.
„Asher!“ She had shouted. People had turned at her outburst but she didn’t care because Asher had turned to her as well and she could see his beautiful eyes again. She saw the love for her in them and she just sprinted in his direction and jumped at him. He caught her and lifted her up and she just curled her arms around his neck and her legs around his hips.
And she had cried. In the open. In the middle of the port of Fiery, which was full of soldiers. Some of them had served under her when she had been stationed at Fiery. But she didn’t care. Asher was back. Her heart was back. And she kissed him while still crying in the middle of the landing stage. It didn’t really matter anymore what he had done. It mattered only that he had come back to her and their family and that they loved each other. Everything else would work itself out.
And it did. It sure as hell wasn’t easy and it was rocky for a few months because she had to relearn how to trust him but it did work. He had apparently visited an isle dedicated to Dunne and he had for the first time began grasp what he had done. He had been so distraught by his own actions. That he now saw the error of his ways helped their reconciliation. They made it work. They fixed their relationship and while Violet and her future were still sometimes a sore point in their relationship their love was as strong as it had been before. While she could not completely forgive him for what he had done to Violet she had forgiven him for the pain it caused herself.
Only Aimsir still hadn’t fully forgiven him for causing Lilith this much pain.
So yes when she looked at Brennan and saw his heartbreak in his eyes she knew how he must feel because she had felt heartbreak herself. It didn’t matter that he wasn’t married to the girl and that he had no children with her and that she had not betrayed him. It had ended because it didn’t work and he still loved her. Pain was pain.
She squeezed his shoulder.
„I know it hurts.“ She said quietly. „But it will get better. You will get over it and it was the right decision for the both of you. It would have just hurt more in the long run if your relationship had continued.“
He smiled sadly at her. „So you didn’t like her. I was never sure if you did.“
She looked out into the field to the dragons. „It isn’t that. She is nice. I have nothing against her but I could see very early on that you two didn’t fit.“
He huffed. „Why didn’t you say anything? It could have spared me the pain. Both of us. I know she is miserable too.“
She turned back to him and raised an eyebrow. „Would you have listened?“
He didn’t say anything and she took that as the answer she was expecting anyway.
„This is normal. You need to make your own experiences and one day you’ll find the right person.“
„Like you and Dad?“
She smiled at that and thought back to her time at Basgiath when she realized after only a few months that she had found the one.
„Yes, like me and Dad.“
„But it wasn’t always perfect between you. You know that I know that he left us for a while right? I know you said that he was on a mission but that wasn’t it. Right? He left and before that you took us to Calldyr for a while.“
Her gaze snapped to her son’s. She hadn’t realized how much he had noticed but he had drawn the wrong conclusions.
„Your father didn’t leave us.“ She said.
At that Aimsir decided she had to butt in. „Sure he did. He left you alone and in pain.“
„Aimsir! He did not and you know it. So stop it.“ She raised her shields to keep Aimsir out.
Her son looked at her dubiously.
„I will not hide that we were at a difficult point in our marriage at that time. That was the reason for me to take you all to Calldyr but he did not leave us. He really was on a classified mission. It just suited us well at the time because we needed space but he never left us. He would never leave us. It was always planned that he would come back. He would never just leave you. Or me.“ It had just not been decided if he came back and they would remain a couple.
„So how do you know if it is the right person if even you and Dad have problems. How do you know that Dad is the right person?“
Apparently her son really wanted to talk about it. And with her. Maybe because he had apparently thought until now that his father had left them for a while. Maybe he didn’t want to speak with Asher about his broken up relationship because of that.
„Well the first thing is that your goals in life need to match. Your father and I always wanted to be in the military. And both of us didn’t want partners who only stayed at home. And both of us wanted children. So the major points of the check list fit. And then there needs to be love.“
„But I loved or love Poppy.“
She inclined her head in admission. „Yes but your goals in life didn’t fit and that was already so early in your relationship. No relationship comes without its troubles but the goals in life need to fit. I don’t mean that you shouldn’t make compromises. Your father and I both did but we never had to compromise on our main goals in life and you need to love enough so you are willing to make compromises on all the other things.“
„But how do you really know. If you love this person enough.“
That was a really good question. She didn’t have much experience in the matters of heart. Asher was the only person she had ever loved. She thought about it for a while. On how she had been willing to choose any outpost after graduation as long as Asher would have been with her. On how she had been willing to fight her father if he had done anything to Asher.
„I can’t really describe it. You just know somehow. Your father understands me like no one else does and I understand him like no one else understands him. He can make me laugh like no one else can and it’s the same way the other way around. We love each other so much that we will always be willing to put our troubles to the side. So yes we have fought sometimes in the past but our love was always bigger than the things we fought about. And we just know that this will always be the case.“
She blinked a few times. She didn’t often speak about her feelings. Not even with her children.
„I don’t know. What if the next time it is still the wrong person?“
„Then you’ll try again. You’re a Sorrengail and Sorrenagails don’t give up.“
He sighed.
„I know I would have most likely not listened but I still wished you would have said something. Maybe I would have listened who knows.“
She snorted. Yes right. She knew her son.
„You wouldn’t have listened and it would have only made things worse because you would have thought that you couldn’t be in our quarters anymore with her. Believe me I do know how teenagers are. I have not listened either when my brother told me that my first boyfriend was a callous asshole. He was right and I didn’t listen even though I wasn’t really in love with him. I still didn’t listen.“ In fact she hadn’t cared one bit. She hadn’t loved him and she hadn’t looked for love. Her brother had not known that. He had thought that the boy only wanted to use her for her body. Which was right but she had wanted to do the same. They had been friends of a sort and liked to spend time together especially to train together but the main reason was that they both wanted to try out kissing and petting and sex and she had enjoyed that someone desired her. He still had treated her badly but she hadn’t realized that at the time. She had never again slept with someone who treated her like that. Even at the quadrant. But that was all nothing her son needed to know.
„Really?“
„Oh yes. I was a stubborn 14 year old who wanted to make her own experiences and I was right. I needed to make my own experiences. I don’t regret the two years I spend with that boy just like you won’t regret your time with Poppy. When the pain fades you will look back at this time fondly.“ For her it had not been the pain that needed fading. More the embarrassment that she had been with such an asshole for so long.
Brennan stayed quiet after that when they made their way back into the fortress and back into their quarters. And in the evening just before they went to bed he came to her and hugged her tightly.
He didn’t do that anymore.
Asher had raised his eyebrows at that especially when she smiled down at Brennan and ruffled his hair and kissed his temple and wished him a good night.
When they were in bed Asher had turned to her and had asked about it.
„Is everything alright with Brennan?“
„Oh you know it’s just his first heartbreak. I distracted him with training and after that we talked a bit.“
„Oh?“ Asher seemed to be just as surprised as she had been.
„Yes, he asked for advice on how to know when it is the right one.“
She smiled at that and turned on her side to kiss him. „How I had known that you are the right one.“ She kissed him again and stroked his face.
„Oh? And what did you say?“ He asked grinning while kissing her back.
Her smile faded a bit since she had also spoken about the troubles their love had overcome.
She sighed and laid back on her back.
„He asked how one knew even if you had troubles. Asher he knows that we had problems seven years ago.“
He sat up and she activated a mage light for him.
„You told him?“
„I didn’t need to. He asked. He thought that the time you were at the isles was actually you leaving us and not the mission.“
She bit her lip.
„Maybe you should talk to him.“ She added. „He carried that around for years. I don’t know if he realized it at that point or if the realization came later on but he must have thought that for a long time because he had apparently already made kind of peace with it since you came back.“
Asher closed his eyes. It still pained him that his travels had taken far longer than planned and that this had caused her and their children so much pain.
„Lilly you know that I never went for that trip with the intention of leaving you. I always planned on coming back to fight for our relationship. I just wanted to give us the space we needed to come back and fight for this to work because I could never live without your or the children.“
She sat up as well and took his face in her hands. „I know Asher. I know. I know that you would never leave us.“ She kissed him fiercely.
„And I’m so glad that we made it work because I don’t know how I would have ever been able to live without you. Asher I love you so much. I can’t live without you.“
„I love you too. I was so scared that you would leave me over this and you would have been right to do so. But I’m so glad.“
She kissed him again and pulled him down on top of her. She needed him. Right now. She needed to feel him as close as humanly possible. She needed him inside of her. She needed to feel his love and she needed to make him feel her love. She loved this man so damn much it hurt.