Chapter Text
I desire violently—and I wait
Anaïs Nin
Dean Winchester was inherently selfish.
This, he had always known to be true. Small voices in the back of his head that sounded suspiciously like his friends and family protested the thoughts, but even louder was the one that sounded like John Winchester. John had spent his entire childhood trying to beat the trait out of him, reminding him again and again of the fact, and it was his voice that echoed between his eardrums. He had never quite been able to silence the sound of him, even with him being gone almost a decade now.
Dean, you left Sammy alone again? The echo of fingerprint shaped bruises across his cheekbones throbbed. No matter that he had been out stealing from a local gas station for something for Sammy to eat when John had pissed his money on booze away again.
What are you going to school for? I need you at the garage! No matter that Dean had been sixteen, they needed the money, staff at John Winchester’s little garage had never lasted long.
Dean, the fuck you doing buying that book? Your brother needs new pants. No matter that Dean loved to read, had bought it second hand to just have one thing for himself and had already hemmed his old jeans for Sammy to wear, and it had been his own fucking money.
Dean’s throat clicked as he tried to swallow around the lump in his throat, the words pressing against his cranium. No, Dean remained selfish. It was a trait embedded in his skin, his soul, something that had always marked him as dark, worthless to those who looked hard enough. He was an idiot with a fucking GED, and he had felt the knife blade of sneers from those who could just tell. Worthless.
He had never quite understood how deep his selfishness went until now though, his eyes helpless locked across the dark room.
Dean was selfish, he coveted that which did not belong to him. Dug his fingernails into the scant things he wanted, but did not deserve, and tightened until he bled from the gaping wounds.
Those fingernails tightened now around the beer bottle in his hand as the swanky dude across the room leaned into the person that Dean coveted the most. Dean had never quite figured out how to want things in half measures, the few things he had allowed himself to want anyways.
And he wanted nothing like the man standing across from him.
Cas hadn’t seen him yet, a fact that Dean counted on as he continued to stare, wishing he had the powers to smite the douche in the V-neck that was laying his hand on Cas’ forearm. Cas was leaning into him too, a small smile teasing his mouth and Christ, Dean couldn’t watch this.
Sure, him and Cas aren’t anything, not really, not in any way that mattered. Cas didn’t belong to him. They have only known each other in the darkened nights that they held secret between them, only knew each other in the way their hands have spent three years mapping each other’s skin.
But that's all they did. They didn’t talk, they didn’t belong to each other. Just a convenient fuck when no one else was available.
Dean hadn’t had sex with anyone else in over two years.
But Dean knew that smile. He had always felt like it was his smile, the soft pull at the corner of Cas’ mouth, but if you knew where to look, it brightened the blue of his impossibly beautiful eyes. Ridiculous. Nothing of Cas belonged to Dean, not really.
Grinding his teeth together, Dean forced himself to take the last swallow of his now warm beer, ignoring the way his hand was sweating around the bottle. He forced himself to turn away, to leave the living room and wander into the kitchen to find Charlie.
The fact that he and Cas were even together was a fluke. They didn’t belong to the same groups usually, Cas was a university professor that generally hung out with the other intellects, Dean still a grease monkey who worked at a garage. The one he had inherited when John finally kicked the bucket. Beyond their midnight rendezvous, they only ever met elsewhere on the rare occasions their brothers brought them together.
Ten years ago Gabriel Novak had brought his piece of shit car into Dean’s shop as he was passing through visiting none other than Cas, but that was before they knew each other. Despite Dean’s best efforts, Gabriel had become his friend. And had met Sammy shortly after. For the first few years, Dean had watched their awkward flirting, snorting at the way his moose brother turned into a blushing mess around the older man.
At first, Sammy had tried to say that he just liked Gabriel as a friend, maybe as a mentor. Gabriel was a lawyer and then at twenty-one, Sammy had almost finished his undergrad and was about to start applying for law schools. Just want some advice! Sammy would say about their dinner dates that he refused to call dates.
Gabriel and Sammy had finally gotten together after the most awkward courting Dean had ever seen. Though, considering he was in love with a man who only wanted to rail him into a mattress, maybe he didn’t have room to judge.
Them finally getting together was the only reason he finally met Cas in the first place, anyway. Six years he had known Gabe and had never met the dudes dorky, hot as fuck younger brother. He was almost mad at Gabe for it. The man had been holding out.
The first year he knew Cas, he hadn’t really known him. Not like Dean did now anyway. Their first few meetings Dean had just thought he was an awkward, maybe slightly arrogant guy. The dude had been an Assistant Literature professor, but sometime during their third or fourth interaction, Cas had made some dry ass fucking comment. Dean couldn’t even remember it now, not really, which seemed odd since it was a pivotal moment for him. All Dean remembers is the way he laughed, spitting out the swallow of beer he had just taken as he slapped Cas on the back. It was the first time that Dean had seen that smile, the one he had just been giving to V-neck.
Maybe he should just count himself lucky that he had met Cas at all, lucky that Gabriel’s brother had turned out to be this wonderful man. That Castiel even bothered to give him the time of day, even if it was just to get their rocks off.
But sometimes, after they finished their late night fuck and Cas left without staying beyond their release, he cursed the fact he had ever met the man.
Cas had ruined him for anyone else. What was he supposed to do with all this love in his chest, all this fucking knowledge he had that he couldn’t use? Like how Cas’ breath hitched if Dean bit the spot where his neck met his shoulder. Like how Cas’ hips stuttered before he came with a groan. How he only liked to drink his water lukewarm, like a freak. How his eyes brightened when he saw bees.
And Dean was selfish and wanted more. More more more, until Castiel was embedded under his skin even further than he already fucking was, until Dean never had to spend another night in sheets that smelt like him, only to wake up cold and alone.
So of course, Castiel fucking Novak just had to be friends with his best friend Charlie’s demon fucking girlfriend that Dean definitely would never admit to having a soft spot for or some shit. Forcing Dean to witness whatever the fuck had been happening out there with V-neck guy.
Dean’s world was too fucking small. Fair, considering he had lived in Lawrence all his life, but it was fucking ridiculous.
His thoughts were finally interrupted by said girlfriend's best friend shouting his name.
“Deano!” Meg’s red lips were split wide in a grin and it’s how Dean knew that she had a few too many drinks.
They were frenemies at best, but despite that he couldn’t help the grin he gave her in return.
“Hey, Meg,” he gave her a nod as he walked up to them, unsurprised to see Charlie wrapped around her like a vine, lips on Meg’s neck despite the crowd around them.
They were fucking shameless. Dean tried to pretend it disgusted him, and maybe it did since Charlie was basically his sister and gross but if Dean was granted that privilege he would be the exact fucking same.
He hated how his thoughts always turned to Cas.
“Glad you could come!” Meg said through a grin, though it wobbled and Jesus. Was she about to moan?
God, Dean needed a smoke.
“Char, you staying the night?” Mirth laced through the tone of his words despite the ache that existed in his chest, the quicksand that was replacing his heartbeat.
Charlie finally popped off her girlfriend's neck only to send him a frown. “Yeah, why?”
“Think I’m gonna head out,” he forced as much casualness into the words as he could manage, but Charlie had not been friends with him since they were Fifteen for nothing. Two decades of it had made it so she knew all his tells.
“Everything good?” Concern laced her words and Dean wanted to grind his teeth but he just let out a sigh.
“Yeah, Red. Gotta work tomorrow. Getting too old for these scenes anyways,” he said, winking at Meg.
It was true anyway. Long gone were his partying days, at thirty five he just didn’t have the energy. Didn’t know how the hell he had managed to find himself at a fucking house party of all things in the first place, but Meg had just bought the small farmhouse and had demanded a housewarming ‘celebration.’ Charlie had insisted Dean get out of the damn house and join her and unfortunately for Dean, he was weak. Charlie had him tied around her little fingers and she damn well knew and exploited.
He had been here nearly an hour before Cas had shown up. He probably wouldn’t have stayed much longer regardless.
“Alright. You need anything —” she detached herself from being Meg's barnacle long enough to throw her arms around Dean’s neck.
Smiling, Dean left a kiss on her temple. “I’m fine, Red. If you need a ride home tomorrow, call me.”
They had driven together, Charlie was his roommate, though he could tell that wouldn’t last much longer. He was sure soon Charlie would leave the little town house Dean owned for five years and leave him alone again. Charlie had moved in the year after Sammy had moved out and that year alone had taught Dean that he didn’t do well being alone. That was fine though, he would figure it out. Christ he needed to stop acting like such a fucking piss baby.
The thoughts came out in John’s voice too.
Dean headed out into the night air, walking to where he had parked Baby in Meg’s barn. The crunch of her gravel driveway sounded loud in the night air, despite how Dean could still hear the music from inside muffled from behind the closed farmhouse door. She had bitched about Dean parking in the old barn, but considering a bunch of people Dean didn’t know had been coming could she really blame him for wanting to park where no one would fucking scratch her? There were probably a dozen cars parked haphazardly around her circular driveway, but Dean would be able to get around them. She didn’t have a garage and despite her grumbling, had still let Dean park there. Had offered even.
They had known each other for a couple years now and yeah, okay. Apparently they had soft spots for each other.
Dean leaned against the wall of the barn, feeling cold wood against his back. He fished his smokes out from his jacket pocket, lighting one up and tilting his head back. He loved living in his little Lawrence suburbia, but he could admit he appreciated the view of the stars out here.
His cherry glows and Dean let out a breath, watching the smoke curl in the night air. He was going to finish this and go the fuck home to sheets that he hadn’t washed in a week, because that was the last time Cas had been over and Dean was pathetic. Sometimes they went months without seeing each other, sometimes weeks. Never days. Dean wished it didn’t have to be any time at all.
The vibrating of his phone made Dean blink. Frowning, he fished it out of his pocket. It was after midnight, who would be —
Angel flashed across the screen. Cas was calling him?
He almost hesitated, almost refused but Dean never denied Cas’ calls. Swiping, he brought the phone up to his ear.
“Hello?”
“Hello, Dean.”
That whiskey gravel voice never failed to run a shiver down his spine.
“What’s up?” Dean asked, even though he knew. It was always the same.
“Did I wake you?” Dean pretended the voice was concerned.
Dean smirked. “No.”
A pause. “I can be over in thirty.”
“Where are you at?” Dean pretended he didn’t know. Cas lived closer than that, if he was home it was always less than ten for them to get together.
A sigh. “My friend Meg had a housewarming. She made me come.”
“And you’re willing to leave for little old me?”
“The company here leaves much to desire.”
Dean could see V-neck pressed against Cas. Maybe Cas had struck out, though that seemed odd with their closeness.
“Meg Masters?” Dean finally replied.
Castiel was silent and Dean could almost picture him tilting his head, his eyes squinted like he did when he was confused. “Yes?” he answered slowly.
“Huh. Small world. I was just about to leave her place. I’m outside.”
Dean could hear Cas take in a small breath before the sound of him hanging up echoed in Dean’s ears. Dean put his phone back in his pocket, taking another drag off his cigarette as he waited. He heard footsteps walking towards him but he didn’t look yet.
“How do you know Meg?” Cas asked once he was close enough and Dean put out his cigarette on the sole of his shoe before putting his butt in his cigarette pack.
“Charlie is my roommate.” He finally looked up and saw Cas’ brow raised.
“I didn’t see you inside.”
Dean shrugged. “Must have missed each other,” he lied.
Castiel didn’t look convinced but he shrugged and took a step closer. “Didn’t see your Baby.”
Dean tilted his head to the barn. “Got a luxury parking spot. Want to see?” he made his tone flirty and Cas smirked back.
“Lead the way.”
It wasn’t shocking to Dean when they found their way stumbling into the backseat. Not his favorite place to hook up with Cas, but it had happened a couple times when they were in a pinch. Fitting two six foot tall thirty year old men back there was always interesting, but as Cas’ sat in his lap with his hands wound in Dean’s hair he couldn’t give a fuck about the location.
Their lips were hot and heavy as their tongues tangled together, Cas’ fingers tightening where they were woven through the strands of Dean’s hair, causing a flare of pain across Dean’s scalp. He gasped into the sensation, feeling it heighten his arousal as he bucked his hips up with a moan. He felt Cas hum against his lips as he ground down in counter part. Their clothed cocks rubbed together and the sensation zinged down his spine.
Cas used his grip to tilt Dean’s head, pulling his lips away to run them down Dean’s neck. Sucking at the skin behind his ear, Dean leaned his head back against the seat.
“Fuck, Cas.”
His hands gripped Cas’ hips tight and he hoped it was tight enough to leave bruises, Christ. Hoped that Cas had a momentum from this night to remember him by, hoped Cas always remembered their times together, like Dean did.
“Pants off,” Cas growled in his ear and Dean felt himself puff out a laugh.
“Fuck we gonna manage that, swee–Cas.”
Sweetheart. The name on the tip of his tongue.
Too far. They didn’t do pet names, didn’t do soft things.
“We will manage,” Cas replied and Dean was glad he was too far gone to notice the slip of Dean’s tongue.
Dean was glad Cas did yoga because fuck it made him flexible and Dean didn’t know how, but his pants got shoved down his hips and he was suddenly lying back with his head against the side door, Cas’ mouth on his cock.
Cas gave head like it was his fucking job, slurping and sucking on Dean feverishly as he bobbed his head up and down. Already Dean was on the edge and he wished he could hold back, wanting this to last longer. His stomach jumped as Cas flicked his tongue across the slit of his cock, licking up the precome beading there. Dean’s breaths were hitching as Cas sank back down and he tried to hold back his moan, failing spectacularly.
Cas pulled off with a wet pop and Dean watched enraptured as a line of spittle connected that mouth to his cock.
“Come in my mouth, Dean,” Cas growled before getting back to work. Dean didn’t last long after that, couldn’t, not with the sensation of warm heat around him and Cas’ words echoing in his head.
He came with a shout, head spinning like it always did when it came to Cas, just completely and wholly overwhelmed with him, like always.
He was dazed from his orgasm but finally came back enough to the sound of a slick hand across skin, Cas grunting as he watched Dean. Even in the dim light, Cas’ eyes seemed to glow as they watched Dean as he stripped his cock furiously.
“Yeah, Cas, come on me, please, want it,” Dean panted as he reached down, adding his hand to the mix, feeling Cas’ hot arousal in his hand.
Cas’ cry was beautiful as Dean felt his orgasm hit the small part of his abdomen that was showing from his rucked up shirt. He felt it on his softened cock, feeling it kick in an attempt to rejoin the show at the warm sensation of Cas coming on him, and if Dean was in his twenties it would be enough to get him going again. But he wasn’t, so a small jerk was all he got.
Cas groaned as he collapsed on Dean, giving him a small kiss to his neck, the same spot that he had been sucking on. Never hard enough to leave a bruise, though Dean wished that he would. Wanted Cas to mark him up as his, to be his.
“Needed that,” Cas said through his panting breaths.
“Always happy to help,” Dean said and even though Cas wouldn’t know, he was serious. Was always serious about that when it came to Cas.
Dean tried to enjoy the rest of his afterglow, wishing for a moment Cas would too. But not even a minute later he was grunting and heaving himself up, opening Baby’s door. Stretching, Dean heard his spine pop as Cas smiled back at him.
“See you around, Dean.”
And Cas walked back inside the party.
Dean pretended he didn’t watch him go.
And Dean drove home alone, also pretending he didn’t fucking care that Cas had walked away, that Dean hadn’t asked him to stay, to come home with him, to spend more than five minutes together after they fucked.
Dean was a selfish fucking idiot.