Chapter Text
Once, your stardust had awoken in the meadow and walked, in a perfectly straight line, all the way out of Dormont. He didn’t say anything, didn’t acknowledge anyone as he passed, didn’t even react to any of his surroundings. He just walked.
They only made it a few hours out before they froze in time with the rest of Vaugarde. And then they looped back, and went on with the show as usual.
They never acknowledged it. You never did, either. You doubt he even remembers it— there were so many loops like that, with their eye glazed over and an alarming sense of emptiness to them as they wandered through vacant motions. He wasn’t there.
And yet. You had known, somehow, as you watched him: your feet had tread that same path once. Or maybe twice, or a dozen times, or a hundred— who knows? The memory is gone, but your body still remembers.
You’re trapped in time and space in equal measure. This cage is small, and it demands compliance.
You are so tired of acting.
After what feels like the billionth time your training spree is interrupted by the others badgering you with questions (but realistically, is probably only the third or fourth), you grow impatient.
You’re not strong enough yet. Every time, he manages to beat you, and you won’t lose again. You were close last time, but that’s the problem! It was too close. You can’t risk it. You just need to keep fighting until you’re so much stronger that they won’t stand a chance, and the endlessly regenerating Sadnesses in the House make for the perfect training dummies… except that the party is still here, and they keep getting in your blinding way.
It would be so much easier if they weren’t here. You always enter the House with them, so you can’t escape their notice; it’s how the play always goes.
Except… Hm. It’s not always how it goes, is it? If you just managed to enter the House on your own, you’d be able to get rid of them. That way, you could spend as long as you wanted training in the House, getting stronger and stronger, without having to worry about taking breaks or acting or making your cheeks ache with false smiles. This could all be over so much faster…
You plunge your hand into a Tear, and loop back to Dormont.
As you enter the village, the Housemaiden intercepts you as usual. You can’t bring yourself to look at her. You just need her to go away.
“Siffrin!” she says cheerfully. “You’re—”
“Leave me alone.”
She blinks. “What…?”
You smile. “I said, leave me alone, Housemaiden! I’m busy.”
“O-Oh…” Her face falls. “Um, okay then…?”
Ignore her. Ignore them all.
You keep walking.
You head east, through the town, past the broken bridge, to the Clocktower. No one’s here this early in the day, and you won’t be interrupted for another few hours at least. Not that you’re planning to stick around that long.
You find the worn traveller’s bag that apparently used to be yours and dump its contents on the floor. There isn’t too much in it — a spare set of underclothes, some pyjamas, basic toiletries and the like — but there is one thing of importance.
The Orb you always use to unlock the House is here. If you want to go to the House on your own, you’ll need the rest of them, too.
You put your own Orb back in the bag, sling it over your shoulder, and look for the others. They aren’t hidden, or anything silly like that; it only takes you as long as it does to find them because you’ve spent too much time zoning out whenever you come back here. You rummage through everyone’s things until you find them, collecting each Orb one-by-one.
The bag rests heavily on your shoulders. That should do it, you think.
You exit the Clocktower.
You’ve barely taken a few steps when you hear footsteps racing towards you, fast and frantic, accompanied by a subtle ding-ding. The Housemaiden rounds the corner.
“Siffrin…!!!” She skids to a halt as she sees you, panting. “Did you see anyone come past here?! I-I felt the Orbs moving, I think someone’s… stolen them…”
She trails off, staring at you. At the bag you’re carrying, just barely visible under your cloak.
“Siffrin…?”
…So she can sense them moving, huh.
“Siffrin, what are you doing with the Orbs.”
That would have been good to know.
But she never noticed when he did this! Your stardust was able to get away with it just fine without her ever noticing! That’s just your luck, hahaha!!! Maybe… Maybe she was just too distracted back then, because of the things they said to her— so what, now you’re being punished for not being awful to everyone?!
The Universe must hate you, somehow. Far more than it ever hated him. That’s the only explanation you can think of. Does it want you to prove yourself? Is that what it is? Is that what you have to do?
Fine.
You snap your fingers, and run.
“Ah, Siffrin, wait—!!!”
The path to the Clocktower is narrow, and she’s in your way. Always in your blinding way!!! STARS!!! You need to get past her, so…
You attack.
Not much, of course; you don’t really want to hurt her. Of course you don’t. You just need her to move! So you slice in her direction with Scissors Craft, which is fine, she’s resistant to that—
She flinches hard, staggering backwards and clutching her arm where you’d struck her. It’s already bleeding… Oops. You’re so used to fighting the King, or your stardust, you’ve forgotten how weak normal people are.
But she’ll be fine. You didn’t hit her that hard. She’s still standing, and now she’ll be slower, anyway.
You keep running.
She manages to grab the edge of your cloak as you rush past her, but you quickly pull it out of her grasp. The broken bridge comes into view, and you don’t hesitate to leap over it, continuing your sprint the second your feet hit the ground. A second later, you hear her do the same.
You’re faster than her, though. You’re sure you can outrun her easily. You just need to get to the House.
In the distance, you see two more figures running towards you.
“Sif! Mira!” the Fighter calls out, the Researcher panting for breath behind him. “What’s—”
“It’s Siffrin!!!” the Housemaiden yells back, “They’ve got the Orbs!!! I-I don’t know why, but—”
Their eyes all snap to you, and for a second, you freeze.
They hate you.
…You grip your dagger, and keep going.
“Wait, Sif—!!!”
Ugh, again?! So blinding annoying!!! They’re blocking the path forward, and the Housemaiden’s catching up behind you, and— YOU’RE SICK OF THIS!!!
YOU JUST NEED THEM TO GO AWAY!!!
You raise your dagger. “MOVE.”
The Fighter lifts his hands placatingly. “Sif, we just wanna talk—”
Paper Craft slaps you in the face. For a second, all you see is stars.
“ODILE?!? Why are you attacking them?!?”
“He’s threatening us!!! I’m defending myself!!!”
Oh, she wants a threat?! You can do threats!!! You swing your dagger, sending lightless sparks of Craft flying in a wide arc.
Odile crumples to the floor.
“ODILE!!!”
“MADAME!!!”
Mirabelle rushes over to her, her palms already aglow with Healing Craft. You… You didn’t mean…
…The Researcher’s still breathing. She’s just knocked out. So that’s— fine. Good, even! In fact, if you could knock them all out, then you’d have a great head start…! You could get all the way to the House by yourself, and then you wouldn’t have to worry about any of this!!!
It shouldn’t bother you so much to hurt them. They’re not real. They’re not yours. Nothing that happens here will ever matter in the future, so, so—
You aim a strike at the Housemaiden, but the Fighter takes the hit instead. Fine! You’ll just attack him, then! You hold your free hand out in a Paper sign and prepare to cut him down.
“Frin?!”
Ah. You’d figured you’d have an audience, but you didn’t think the Kid would be part of it. You thought they were too far away.
“Frin, what are you doing?!?”
You glance at Bonnie, standing off to the side in horror. The way they’re staring at you…
(Monster. Parasite. Disgusting, rotten thing.)
(Is this what you wished for?)
You look away.
You lash out with your Paper skill, hitting the Fighter square in the chest. He tries to guard, but he’s still weakest to this type of Craft, and you can see the toll it takes on him. Even the Housemaiden flinches at the overflow, still crouched over the Researcher’s limp form.
But it doesn’t stop him. He rushes forward and tackles you to the ground. You fight back immediately, more with instinct than with thought— jabbing an elbow in the gut, a knee in the groin, kicking out with your feet and scratching in deep with your nails. He holds on tight, so much larger than you that you feel like you’re going to suffocate. You have to get out. You have to get out. You have to get out.
You sink your teeth into the fleshy part of his shoulder, biting down hard until all you can taste is blood. He yelps, and his grip loosens, just enough for you to squeeze out from under him. You scramble to your feet.
The Kid’s tending to the Researcher now, so the Housemaiden’s back in action, her rapier drawn.
“Siffrin, I don’t want to fight you,” she says. “But— But I’ll have to, if you don’t stop and explain! So—”
Aww, she doesn’t want to fight? That’s too bad!!! You interrupt with a swing of your dagger, and try to run past her. You take a slice from her sword as you do. It stings, but you ignore it— both the pain and her panicked apologies that follow. You don’t want to hear it! She shouldn’t be sorry, she should hate you!!!
Stars, why won’t they just hate you?!?
Suddenly, your muscles feel heavy, and you realise you’ve been Slowed. Blinding Researcher must be up again. You spin back around with your dagger at the ready—
“Sorry about this, Sif!!!”
—but the Fighter’s Craft slams into you, once again knocking you to the ground.
As you lie there, for just the briefest fraction of a second, you ask yourself: What are you doing? This is a mess. You’re not really achieving anything like this. You know that.
But.
You don’t want to be here. You’re so blinding tired of doing this same routine, over and over and over again. You want to break things! You want them to see you, force them to really see you, the horrible thing you’ve become! Make them hate you! You deserve it!!!
The whole world should feel the pain you’ve felt. Your stardust, your friends, the Universe and all its stars… you hate them. You hate them!!!
THEY SHOULD SUFFER AS YOU HAVE SUFFERED!!!
You spring back up and just attack, paying only enough attention to ensure the Kid stays out of range. You can’t hurt them, not even this copy of a copy of a copy of them, and unfortunately that means you can’t hit the Researcher, either; they’re still protecting her. Luckily for you, though, the Housemaiden and Fighter are still fair game.
The Fighter takes the brunt of the hit, jumping in at the last second to try and shield the Housemaiden, but it only does so much to help. They look like they’re just barely hanging on, now. Soon, this will be over. Finally, this will be over!!!
You step forwards, ready to deal the final blow—
The Researcher stretches out a hand.
Her Craft hits you like a boulder. Your legs buckle. Your vision goes dark. And you realise, suddenly
that you can’t
keep fighting
anymore…
…it’s a relief, almost. to die at their hands.
you close your eyes, and wait for it to end.
. . .
…you’re lifted, carried somewhere, you think. your head spins… you can’t hold your body upright. someone’s doing it for you. you try to move…… you try to move……… you try to move……………
………you can’t move. are you dead already?
around you, distantly, voices.
“…………really necessary? Siffrin’s……………”
“……can’t trust…………”
“……………but……”
“We don’t…………”
“……………the King…………”
“…”
“……make them talk.”
. . .
Crafted water hits your tongue. You open your eye.
You’re inside, back at the Clocktower, it seems. The Housemaiden, Fighter, Researcher and Kid are all looming over you. Mirabelle, Isabeau, Odile, Bonnie. They hate you. You’re sure of it.
Instinctively, you try to move your arms, and quickly find that you can’t; your hands are tied together behind the tall wooden back of a dining chair, trapping you in your seat. You tug at them experimentally, but the ropes don’t budge.
Hm.
This is bad.
“Ah! I’m sorry!” Mirabelle says quickly. “I’m sorry about the ropes, i-it’s just, you were attacking us!!! And—”
You laugh. You can’t help it. Even now, she’s worried about what you think.
Odile glares down at you. “Siffrin. Explain.”
Nope! You don’t want to do that, actually!
“Siffrin, come on.” Even Isabeau’s frowning, his arms folded. He doesn’t use Siffrin’s full name often, so you must’ve really messed up this time. He looks more concerned than he does mad, but that doesn’t make it any less intimidating, looking up at him like this. In a way, it’s kind of interesting! This has never happened before!
But this is not a good thing. You don’t know what to do. You tear your eye away from him, and stare at the floor instead.
“Please, Siffrin, just talk to us!!!” Mirabelle says. “There has to be some explanation! It’s not like you to try to hurt us, so, so…!”
Ha. ‘It’s not like you’. They keep saying that.
You guess it isn’t. You wouldn’t really know.
Bonnie’s voice wobbles. “Frin… Why were you hurting them? We don’t hurt friends!!! I don’t get it!!! Why would you…”
Okay, you’re sick of this already.
You try to consider your options. You don’t have your dagger right now, and you can’t really move your hands enough to use Craft effectively, so those are out. But if they weren’t watching you so closely, you might be able to stand on the seat and pull your arms up and over the back of the chair. Then you could run to the kitchen and find a knife to cut the rope — or just make a break for the banana peel, if you could manage to get the front door open. It’s not like you need hands to fall and break your neck!
But all of that would take too long. They’d stop you before you even got out from the chair.
You can’t escape.
…It’s fine. You’re used to being trapped. Maybe not quite this literally, but what difference does it make? One way or another, this loop will end, and then you can forget any of this ever happened. You just need to wait it out.
(Your stardust is probably enjoying this. You can already picture them laughing.)
(Try not to think about it.)
You take a deep breath in, and out. “Let me go.”
Isabeau at least has the decency to look guilty. “Sorry Sif, but—”
“Not a chance,” Odile says. “You’re staying right there until we’re done talking. So explain.”
…You don’t say anything.
“Really, Siffrin, what did you expect was going to happen?” she presses. “Did you think we’d just let you take the Orbs? Abandon everything we’ve been fighting for all these months? Were we supposed to just be okay with you attacking us like that?”
“You were supposed to kill me.”
Everyone startles.
“KILL YOU?!” Bonnie shouts.
Mirabelle covers her mouth in shock. “What— Why would—”
“We’re not just going to shoot first and ask questions later!” Isabeau says. “Yeah, you were attacking us, but— you’re our friend, Sif!”
You laugh. “I’m not your friend. I’m not even Siffrin.”
And that’s the truth of it, isn’t it? You can’t deny it anymore.
You aren’t Siffrin. You can never be Siffrin again.
“Not Siffrin…?” Even Odile looks surprised. “But…”
“But you look like Frin, and you sound like Frin!” Bonnie steps forward and sniffs you, their nose wrinkling. “…I guess you do smell kinda different,” they say. “Still mostly like Frin, but more sugary…? But everything smells sugary today. So I dunno if that counts.”
That’d be the Wish Craft. Or Time Craft? No, probably Wish Craft, you think. Stars taste sweet; it makes sense that the wishes they grant would, too.
“…Fine. Let’s say we believe you,” Odile says. She doesn’t sound convinced. “Who are you, then? And if you’re not Siffrin, then what happened to him? Go on. Tell us.”
Ugh. If they won’t take your word for it, you might as well show them.
You straighten up in your seat, putting on your patented Loop Smile. “What, and ruin all the fun? I’m sure you must have theories. You’ve always had them, haven’t you, Researcher?”
“None that make sense.”
“Aww. Not even your silly drunk one?” You grin, baring your teeth. “Maybe I’m working for the King! An assassin sent to kill your Housemaiden! I must be pretty bad at my job, teehee.”
She narrows her eyes. “…I won’t ask how you know about that,” she says. “But no, that doesn’t make sense either. None of what you’ve said or done today makes any sense at all. Stop trying to distract us and tell us the truth.”
…Oh. You honestly thought that would work. Ever since you overheard her and Isabeau talking about it, you’d assumed a part of her still suspected that of you. Because it would make sense! She doesn’t trust you, she never does, not as Siffrin or as Loop, so… You thought that must be the reason.
But if she really thinks she knows you well enough to believe you’d never work for him… If she doesn’t hate you enough to kill you, even after you attacked everyone and tried to betray them, then…
You don’t understand. She knows you better than you know yourself, but clearly it doesn’t go both ways. Even after thousands of loops, she still finds ways to surprise you.
“Siffrin. Or, Not-Siffrin?” Mirabelle corrects herself. “Whoever you are… Just talk to us. Tell us what’s going on. Please.”
And maybe it’s something about the way she says it, or the way she’s looking at you, or the fact that it’s her— but whatever the reason, you give up. Your shoulders slump. You can’t do this anymore.
What more do you have to lose, anyway.
“…I’m not Siffrin anymore,” you say, quietly. “I haven’t been in a long time.”
“…”
They stay silent, waiting. Giving you a chance to speak. You still don’t really want to, but you’ve run out of other choices to make, and they know this, too.
You look up. “When did we arrive in Dormont?”
“…Last night,” Isabeau says. “Do you not remember…?”
You shake your head. “It’s been… a lot longer than that, for me.”
“But how is that possible?” Mirabelle asks. “What happened?”
Oh, stars. You’ll really have to say it, won’t you? You told them once before, but that was as Loop, telling them about Siffrin’s loops. You could separate yourself from it, in a way.
Not this time, though. This time, it’s all on you.
You can’t put a hand over your chest to steady yourself, but you can still breathe. Deep breath in… and out. And in… and out…
…Okay. You’re okay.
Carefully, quietly, you say: “I’ve… been… stuck in a time loop.”
…You’re met with silence. You regret everything already.
“I-I know it’s hard to believe—” They didn’t believe you last time, back when you were just ‘Loop’ to them, “—but I swear, that’s the truth! It starts when S— when I wake up in the meadow, and it ends when I talk to the Head Housemaiden, after we beat the King. If I don’t die first, of course.”
“If you don’t die?!”
“W-Wait, we’ve beaten the King?”
“What’s a times loop.”
Those are good questions, you suppose. At least they’re not accusing you of lying. “I’ve… died before, yes. It’s not a big deal,” you tell Isabeau. Then to Mirabelle, you say, “And yes, we’ve beaten the King— multiple times, in fact. And—”
“A time loop is when someone repeats the exact same day over and over again, rewinding time without anyone else’s knowledge, usually unintentionally,” Odile explains to Bonnie. “It’s a trope sometimes used in fictional stories… That is, not something that could ever happen in reality. Time Craft is supposed to be impossible.”
Bonnie frowns. “I don’t get it.”
“That’s okay. You don’t need to just yet. I’ve got a few more questions to ask this one before we get to that.” She squints down at you. You want to disappear.
“…Time Craft is supposed to be impossible, but the King’s already using it. You’ve seen that yourself,” you point out. “It’s only possible because of something called Wish Craft, and I think it’s how I’m stuck looping in time, too.”
“‘Wish Craft’? Seriously?”
“It does sound a little far-fetched…”
“There are books in the House about it that explain it better than I can,” you say. “But for now, if you want proof…”
You look at each of them. You didn’t bother with this last time, since there was enough going on that you figured they’d believe you eventually, but you’ll need another way to convince them, now. Who to start with…
“…Kid,” you decide. Bonnie stares back at you. “You’re making samosas for dinner tonight, right? With potatoes and no cheese, naturally.”
“Yeah, but—”
“And you’ve got snacks planned for tomorrow, too!” you say. “Plantain chips, cookies, onigiri — by the way, apple slices are not a good filling for those — madeleines, pineapple slices, fish heads, MORE samosas, palmiers, and yummy malanga fritters! They turn out great, by the way. Siffrin would have loved them.”
They blink. “Huh?! How did you…”
“Mmm, but that’s not super convincing,” you admit. “Who knows, maybe I just guessed based on the ingredients you’ve been carrying… Or maybe you haven’t even planned all of them out yet. So let’s try something more specific!” You turn to Odile. “…Researcher. It’s not a very fitting title for you, is it? Since you’re not actually researching anything.”
Her eyebrows draw together. “Siffrin—”
“Here’s a helpful tip!” you say, cutting her off. “When you have a moment, do yourself a favour and ask the boulanger’s daughter for a familytale. She’ll happily lend it to you, and if you ask her directly it’ll save you a lot of time! I know you’ve always wanted to read one, being half Vaugardian and all.”
She stiffens. You move on.
“And you, Fighter!” you say brightly. “You want to tell your buddy Sif something, after all of this is over! Something super duper important. But deep down, you’re worried you’ll never find the courage to tell them… You’ve Changed a lot, but that fear is the one thing you’ve never been able to shake, huh? But don’t worry. Whether you’re a nerd, a jock, or a clothing designer… I’m sure Siffrin would have loved you all the same, if he were still here!”
He takes a step back, his eyes widening. “What…”
One left. “As for you, Housemaiden! You— mmrrmmh!!!”
Mirabelle slaps a hand over your mouth suddenly!!! Rude!!!
Her eyes are wide, desperate. “Okay okay we get it!!! You’ve made your point!!! S-So please, don’t… Ew! Did you just lick me?! Siffrin!”
She pulls her hand away, wiping it on her dress. You could keep talking now, but you don’t want her to try that again, so you stay quiet.
“Gross… But! Um!!! You know what I mean. I think we get the point,” she says. “So, um— Please don’t say anything about me. I don’t… want…”
…Hm. She seems uncomfortable. You almost feel a little bad.
“Fine,” you relent. “You all believe me, then?”
Odile looks away. “…I’ll need more details on the mechanics, but I’m willing to hear you out, yes.”
“Y-Yeah, same,” Isabeau agrees, his cheeks dark.
Mirabelle just nods.
“…I still don’t get it,” Bonnie says.
“Sorry, Bonbon. We’ll explain it to you with easy words once we know everything, okay?”
Everything, huh… You’re not sure if that’s a good idea. It’s a lot, and some of it (a body hitting the floor, a fist tightening, a dagger held to your neck) you’d rather not think about, ever. They don’t need to know.
But for the gist of it… The important parts, and the things you’ve learned about how all of this works…
“…Okay,” you say. “Yeah, I can do that.”
And so, with little other choice, you explain.
You don’t really remember your own early loops, but you remember your stardust’s, so you’ve got some idea of how they must have gone. The first time you went to the House, you never even made it to the King… but that was fine, because before you knew it, you were awake again in the meadow, as if it had never happened at all.
You’d thought it was a good thing. Some sort of blessing from the Universe, perhaps, that gave you the chance to learn from your mistakes.
You had no idea.
You tell them only sparing details about your first encounter with the King. You can’t quite bring yourself to say the words ‘we died’, but they all seem to understand the implication— even Bonnie looks upset, though they don’t interrupt. But the truth is, even after that first, awful defeat, you didn’t despair yet. You just needed to try again. So you did!
And then you tried again.
And again.
And again.
You don’t tell them how many times you tried. A part of it is because you don’t even know the exact answer — you counted for a long, long, long time, but eventually, inevitably, you lost track — but it’s also because… Well. You know the range it sits in. You know the number of digits.
You don’t think they’d like the answer.
So you keep it vague, and you let them make assumptions, and all you tell them is that eventually, you won. You almost lost your mind trying, and it was long after you’d basically accepted it was impossible, but you won. You defeated the King. Vaugarde was saved. It was over.
And then you looped back again.
“So I gave up!” you tell them, keeping your voice light. “A very special kind of giving up. I made a wish.”
“A wish?” Mirabelle asks.
You nod. “A wish on a shooting star, a plea to the Universe. I didn’t know it was Wish Craft at the time, I only found out about it later — yes, Researcher, I can see you’re about to ask, and we’ll get to it — but it must have been, because it worked. The Universe granted my wish.”
“…So then, what was it? What did you wish for?” Isabeau asks.
You still remember.
Please let it be over, you’d wished. Please get me out of here. Please, someone, help me.
Please help me. Please help me. Please help me! Someone, anyone, please!
I wish someone would help me!
And so the Universe did.
And it stuck you in some other Siffrin’s loops instead.
“Another Frin?!” Bonnie asks. “How does that work?”
“I’m not sure,” you admit. “It was like… seeing my past self? Or the self that would have become me, I suppose, if I wasn’t also there to make sure things turned out differently. A me that hadn’t gone through the loops yet. But they would! And now I’d be here to help!”
Bonnie scrunches their nose. “That doesn’t make any sense, though.”
You shrug. “Well, that’s what happened! I don’t know why, either. Take it up with the Universe if you’ve got complaints.”
“Who?”
You move on.
You tell them the basics of what you’ve learned from your stardust’s loops: about the shield skill Mirabelle can learn to help survive the King’s attack, about how the King used Wish Craft to gain control over time, about your theory that Siffrin loops when something stops them from advancing, which seems tied to their emotions somehow. You keep the details sparse. They don’t need to know about the trial and error it took to get there. They don’t need to know about the sort of person Loop was.
You tell them about Vaugarde’s wishes to be saved, the rituals and intent that go into Wish Craft, and how the Head Housemaiden said they all did it wrong. It must be the reason you’re looping in time, but something’s broken, something’s failing, rotting. And once your stardust found out, he…
“He stole my wish,” you say. “Cut it right out of my chest, teehee! They took my place as the guide, so now I’m stuck here as Siffrin again. Isn’t that so unfair?!”
“Uh…” Isabeau opens his mouth, but seems to think better of it.
“Of course, I’ve been trying to get it back, but all that time sitting on the sidelines made me rusty,” you explain. “So I’ve been training! Trying to make myself stronger again, so I can take it back! You get it, right?”
Mirabelle bites her lip. “…Not really?”
“Not at all, no,” Odile confirms.
“Hmph. Well, you would, if you were in my position,” you say. “…Look, I did my time as Siffrin. It’s their turn, now. He’s the one meant to be here with all of you, not me. Maybe he’ll find a way out of the loops! Or maybe he won’t. But it’s not supposed to be my problem anymore. I’m meant to help them, not do it for them.”
You’re not meant to be here anymore. You don’t want to be. And it’s not the party’s fault, of course — they didn’t ask for this any more than you did. Stars, you would’ve done anything to stay with them, once! You still wish you could! But if being with them means doing this for eternity, then…
You just. Can’t do it. You can’t do it anymore.
What sort of person does that make you?
Odile sighs. “This is… a lot to process.”
“I can imagine, yes.” You’ve had far more time to come to terms with it than they have, and even then, you can’t exactly say you’ve been successful in that.
“So then, why did you attack us…?” Mirabelle asks.
You huff out a laugh. “I just wanted to do something different. Go to the House by myself, spend as much time training as I could without you all pestering me for answers… So much for that, ha.”
Isabeau raises an eyebrow. “You never tried just talking to us?”
…You look away.
“Wait, seriously? Not even once?”
……You shrink in your seat.
Mirabelle stares at you. “Si— Looping one. What.”
“…If you knew, you’d hate me,” you mutter.
“What?! Why would we hate you?”
“You really think that…?”
“We’d hate you more for suddenly attacking us, dummy!!!”
Ahhh… Yeah, this wasn’t your brightest move. Even if you hadn’t told them, they’ll still hate you anyway, now!!! Stupid!!!
“…And even then, I don’t hate you,” Odile says, as if reading your mind. Your head snaps up. “I doubt any of us do. I’m angry, yes, and frustrated, and concerned… But I don’t hate you. Especially not now that I know the reason for it.”
…She doesn’t seem like she’s lying. The others are all nodding in agreement, too.
They… really don’t hate you? Even though you hurt them, and got them all trapped in a time loop, and treated them like they weren’t real?
Even though you’re not Siffrin?
You don’t understand. You don’t understand! They should hate you, they should be disgusted by you!!! You and your stardust!!! What you’ve done to all of them— it’s awful!!!
But they don’t. You don’t understand. You always thought something terrible would happen if they found out, but…
They’re still here.
They’re still here.
. . .
You start crying.
Aaahhh, it’s so embarrassing, but you can’t help it!!! You try to hold it in, but it just makes the tears come out faster. You can’t remember the last time you cried like this — Have you ever cried like this? — and you don’t! Know! What to do!!!
Above you, your friends flounder.
“Oh!!! Um, you— Crying one— Oh Change, what do we do…?”
Isabeau’s hand hovers near you, uncertain. “I-I can get you a tissue? Or something? Uh—”
You sniff, trying and failing to wipe your eye on your shoulder. “…Can you untie me now?”
“OH YEAH”
“CRAB”
Mirabelle jolts. “O-Oh Change, I forgot!!!” How did they all forget?!? “But yes, of c—”
“Wait,” Odile says. “Look at me. …Are you going to try to run?”
You shake your head. There’s nothing left to run from, now.
“…All right. Let them go.”
With your hands free, you wipe at your eye furiously, hiding your face. You don’t stand up yet. You feel so small, sitting down like this while the others stand around you, and strangely, this brings you a sort of comfort. You want to shrink until you’re small enough to hold. If you did, would they keep you safe? Would you even deserve that?
Isabeau brings you tissues. You hide your face a little longer until the tears run dry, and then try your best to scrub away the evidence. You doubt it works. Your face still feels itchy and hot. But… somehow, you feel a bit better, you think.
Stars, that’s embarrassing. Finally, you look back up.
Everyone’s dragged their own chairs over now, forming a wonky circle in the middle of the room. It looks a bit silly, but it’s nice to have them on your level again. You aren’t quite ready to stand; you feel exhausted. Mirabelle smiles back at you hesitantly.
Odile folds her hands in her lap. “…I’m… sorry for the way I handled this,” she says, avoiding your eye. “Clearly, you’ve been going through much more than any of us could have anticipated. But… If it’s true that you’ve never actually told us any of this before, then…”
You shrug. “I probably wouldn’t have said anything otherwise. So… It’s probably for the best. I get it.”
“You do realise that’s alarming, right?”
Yeah. From their perspective, it probably is.
Bonnie raises their hand. “I still don’t really get it,” they say. “But, um… You said you Changed, right? You’re not Frin anymore?”
You pause, considering it. “Not really a Vaugardian type of Change, but I suppose that’s a good enough word for it.” You’ll never follow the Change belief, and a small, bitter part of you can’t help but resent the comparison. But if that’s what helps them to understand, then so be it.
“Okay,” Bonnie says. “So what do we call you, then?”
…Good question. You didn’t really think that far ahead.
Back under the Favour Tree, before your stardust stole your heart, you’d introduced yourself as Loop. It was different back then, because they hadn’t known you as Siffrin first, but it was still the truth, wasn’t it?
Vaugardians are used to change. If you told them to call you something else, they’d do it in a heartbeat. And then you’d never be Siffrin to them again.
Are you ready for that?
You bring your knees up and hug your legs, tucking your chin in. “I know I said I’m not Siffrin anymore, and it’s true, but… If you could still keep calling me Siffrin, I… I’d just like to pretend. For a while.”
“…Sure. If that’s what you want, Sif!” Isabeau says. “Oh, wait— Are the nicknames still okay?”
You nod.
“What about pronouns? Do you still like he/they?”
You raise your head to nod again, but stop yourself.
You don’t know if you even deserve this, and you’d hate to make a big deal of it, but… If they’re asking, then…
“…Maybe, um… Maybe just they?”
Bonnie perks up. “Oh! Like me!”
“Okay!” Isabeau grins. “We’ll make sure to remember that.”
They don’t ask why, to your relief. That’s one thing you can thank Vaugardian culture for. So many weird customs, but at least this part doesn’t seem like a big deal to them, and you need that, right now.
You sit back up, trying to regain your composure. “So! Got any other questions for me?”
“Oh, I’ve got plenty,” Odile says. “But those can wait for now. You look exhausted.”
You are exhausted! How very considerate of her!
“Maybe we should take a break,” Mirabelle suggests. “And maybe eat something, to replenish our energy? I know it’s still early, but—”
“Early dinner!!!” Bonnie jumps up. “I have a bunch of stuff for dinner, I’ll cook it now!!! Then you’ll feel better, Frin. You gotta have good food after a good cry.”
You nod, and decide not to tell them that you’re sick of samosas. You can suck it up for one more night.
Bonnie runs over to the kitchen, though because of the way the Clocktower’s lower floor is laid out, they aren’t far. You can hear them as they start preparing the food, the sounds of kitchen utensils and cookware filling the space with a nice, cozy ambience. It feels startlingly normal in the wake of the conversation you’ve just had.
Isabeau clears his throat. “So, uh… There was one more thing I was wondering. Where’s the other Siffrin?”
And there it is. It’s impressive he was able to wait this long before asking, honestly. Of course he’d want the real Siffrin back.
“He should be at the Favour Tree,” you say. “But you won’t be able to see them unless they want you to, so… you probably won’t see anything. He’s kind of having a tantrum.”
Odile smirks. “A worse tantrum than you?”
“…Depends on your definition.”
“Weird…” Isabeau stands up, pasting on a smile. “I’ll check anyway!”
“Oh, right now?” Mirabelle asks. “Do you want someone to go with you?”
“Nah, it’s fine. I won’t be long!”
From the kitchen, Bonnie yells, “Be back in time for dinner, or we’ll eat without you!!!”
“You got it, Bonbon!”
While Isabeau’s out, the rest of you migrate back over to the dining table, putting the chairs back where they belong. And then you zone out. Mirabelle, Odile and Bonnie are all talking to each other, and… it’s just nice, sitting here and listening to their voices again. Not having to contribute. You’re sick of the sound of your own voice.
You rest your head on the table, and wait for time to pass. You’re so tired…
By the time Isabeau returns, dinner’s almost ready.
“So?” Mirabelle straightens up, alert. “Was Siffrin there?”
Isabeau frowns. “No, but maybe yes? I didn’t see anything, and I didn’t get any responses when I called out, but I swear I could feel a presence there! It felt weird. Kinda angry and sad, but… I think it could have been other-Sif, just like this-Sif said.”
“Told you,” you say.
“Then… How do we get them to come back?!” she asks.
For a moment, no one answers. The noises from the kitchen stop, too.
“…We don’t,” Odile says. “We can’t force him. If we try, he’ll likely just loop and undo it all. And we do still have a King to beat, anyway.”
“So, what? We just go ahead without him?”
You smile at Mirabelle thinly. “You’ve done it plenty of times before, Housemaiden! Besides, am I not good enough for you?”
“Ah! No, that’s not what I mean!!!” She wrings her hands. “I just… It makes me sad to think about. I hope they’re not lonely…”
Oh, they definitely are, but that’s the least of your concerns. If they’re anything like you, they’re just watching, pretending, and resting, letting their favourite show play out in front of them. There are far worse fates.
“It sounds like they chose this for themself, Mira,” Isabeau says. “I really tried to convince him! But…”
“If he wanted to be here, he would,” you say. You hope they can’t hear the bitterness in it. “But don’t worry! I’ll lead you all through the House. We’ll beat the King, and then…”
“And then, we’ll figure out why this is happening to you, and we’ll stop it,” Odile concludes. “We won’t let you loop again. One way or another, we’re ending this.”
That’s a nice thought. For now, you’ll choose to believe it.
Dinner’s ready, so Isabeau helps Bonnie bring over the plates of food. It’s the same as always, but you eat it anyway. You’re in two minds about it; on the one hand, you’ve had these samosas so many times they barely taste like anything anymore, but on the other hand, just eating is a privilege you’ve learned not to take for granted.
You suppose you don’t need to know how to feel about it. Food is food. Your stomach is nothing but an aching void, so it shouldn’t matter what you fill it with.
The usual script doesn’t play out as you eat, for obvious reasons. It’s weird. The stage is set the same as it always is, all the props and actors in their usual spots, but the scene still feels different. It’s not too bad, though— at least you’re not being interrogated anymore.
You eat until your plate is empty.
After dinner, everyone pitches in to help with the dishes. You stand up to do the same, but Bonnie stops you with a tug on your cloak.
“Um, Frin? Can I ask you something?”
They did seem pretty confused about everything, earlier. You can’t really blame them. “Sure,” you say. “Ask away.”
“Um…” They fiddle with their hands. “…If you’ve Changed, does that mean we can touch you now?”
Oh. Ahead of you, you see the others come to an abrupt halt.
You try to smile. “You were always allowed to touch me, Bonnie.”
“Wait, really?!” Their eyes widen. “But the others said—”
“Did you ever actually ask me?” You look up, catching Isabeau’s eye. “Any of you?”
They all glance at each other. Mirabelle says, “…We, we just thought—”
“Because I jump, right? …I’m just not used to it, that’s all,” you say. “So— So if you want an excuse not to touch me, you’ll have to come up with another one. Or just… admit it.”
“Admit what?”
That you’re too disgusting to touch. That you always were. And now you’ve gone and made yourself even worse, something not even human anymore, wearing this face like a corpse—
A finger pokes you in the stomach, hard. You jump.
“Well, if it’s fine to touch you now, can I hug you?” Bonnie asks. “I’ve never had a Frin hug before.”
What? “You’d… want one? From me? Even if I’m…”
“Yeah, stupid. So is it okay?”
…You nod.
“YEAH!!! Okay, here goes!!!”
Bonnie wraps their arms around you. You freeze for a second, and then remember what you’re supposed to do. They taught you just a few loops ago, after all.
You hug them back.
“Aww!” Isabeau coos.
Mirabelle giggles. “I’m kind of jealous, hehe…!”
“Me too…”
Well, they can’t be that jealous since they’re not asking to join, but that’s okay. This is already a lot more touch than you’re used to. Just the kid on their own is manageable, but you’re not sure how you’d fare with everyone suddenly pressing into you all at once. It sounds overwhelming. It sounds lovely. You don’t deserve it.
Eventually, Bonnie pulls away. “…Are you feeling better now, Frin?”
You nod. “Just… tired. It’s been a big day.”
“It certainly has,” Odile agrees. “…How about we all get some rest for now? We’ve got another big day tomorrow. Siffrin, you only loop at the end once you’ve talked to the Head Housemaiden, correct?”
“Pretty much, yes.” You did loop back once before speaking to her, that very first time you beat the King, but the pattern’s held pretty consistently since then.
“All right, then. Sounds like we’ll have plenty of time to discuss everything as long as we don’t speak to her after beating the King. I’m sure she’ll forgive us for the rudeness.”
You’re not sure that’s how it’ll work, but you agree anyway. You don’t really want to talk about this anymore, and you’re so exhausted…
“…Let’s get some sleep,” she says.
Finally, the day comes to an end.
You share a bed with Isabeau again, the way Siffrin always does. You’re kind of surprised he’s still okay with it, but you figure it’ll be different enough, now that he knows you’re not the real Siffrin anymore.
And yet. For some reason, in the middle of the night, you still hear him whisper: “Hey… Hey Sif. Siffrin. Siffarooni.”
Every fibre of your being tells you to ignore him. You don’t want to hear that same scene play out again! Not now that he knows! You’re sure something terrible will happen if you do, but…
You turn your head anyway. You can’t help it.
“…Can we talk?” he whispers. “Outside. I don’t want to wake everyone up.”
Oh. This is… different. Maybe it’ll be okay, then.
You nod, and let him lead you outside.
Outside the Clocktower, the air is cold, and the sky is clear. You look up at the stars; the view isn’t as good here as it was in that field he found, but it’s still nice to be seeing them with him again. Maybe even better, since you don’t have to worry about acting anymore.
The thought makes you shiver. Or maybe it’s just the cold. Either way, you wonder what he wants to say to you.
You sit down on the steps leading up to the Clocktower together, and wait for him to start. He clears his throat.
“So, um. Sif… I didn’t really want to bring it up, but… I’m a little concerned,” he says. “About earlier? When you said you wanted us to… kill you.”
Oh. Oops. “I shouldn’t have said that. I wasn’t thinking.”
“Yeah, but… You seemed like you meant it. And if that’s true, I…”
You tilt your head to look up at him. “Are you worried about me?”
“Well, yeah!” He chuckles nervously. “That was a pretty worrying thing to say, you know?”
What was it you said to him last time? ‘Don’t worry your pretty little head about it?’ …That was mean. He didn’t deserve that. Say something else.
“…I’ll be okay, now,” you say, folding your hands together. You’re not wearing your gloves, and your hands just look… normal. Human. How strange. “I just wanted to loop back so I wouldn’t have to explain everything to you all… But we’re past that point. And it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, so it’s fine.”
A pause. “Do you always loop back by dying?”
“…Not always.”
You hear him breathe. Maybe he’s not taking this as well as you thought.
You sigh. “Look, being stuck in a time loop is weird, okay? It does weird things to your brain! And I’m trying, I just… lost it a little, back there. Can you really blame me?”
“…I guess not,” he says. “Changing is a hard enough thing to go through, even without Time Craft involved… I’m just worried. We care about you, Siffrin. Even if you aren’t the same Siffrin anymore! I hate to think about you being so desperate that you’d try to hurt yourself, or get us to hurt you, because you won’t let us help. I know we can’t remember the loops, but we’re still here for you! And the fact you resorted to that instead of ever talking to us about it…”
“I know,” you say. You haven’t exactly been the brightest star around… You even told your stardust to talk to them, all those loops ago, but you’ve always been terrible at following your own advice. “But I know better, now! This feels… better.”
“You mean it?”
“Yeah, I do.” You don’t even think you’re lying, this time.
“Phew.” Isabeau relaxes a little bit. “Okay… And, well, I guess I can understand the ‘doing weird things to your brain’ thing,” he says. “I mean, it’s a time loop, so it just makes sense that you’d get a little… loopy.”
…Pfft. Heh. Haha!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
You dissolve into laughter, so loud you half-worry about waking the others up. Loopy!!! Like time loops!!! And like— like Loop!!! Stars, he doesn’t even know about that, and that’s the best part!!!
You laugh until you get it out of your system. It’s a stupid pun, so stupid, but… you missed this. Laughing with him. It almost feels alien to you, now.
Without even trying, you grin at him. “…Thank you, Isabeau.”
He smiles back at you, an odd look in his eyes. “Any time, Siffrin.”
That’s all he wanted to say, it seems.
With that out of the way, the two of you head back to bed. Isabeau falls asleep eventually, and you don’t. But that’s okay.
You rest anyway.
When you enter the House the next day, Odile returns your dagger, which is a surprise. You’d figured she’d never trust you with a weapon again after your little stunt yesterday, and you wouldn’t even blame her for it. But here it is, a familiar weight resting in your hand.
You return it to the sheath at your side where it belongs, nod at her, and lead the way.
It’s different, this time. No one bats an eye when you know where all the keys are, or when you know the right ways to go. You don’t even have to hold back against any Sadnesses you come across, since they already know firsthand how strong you’ve become. You waste a lot less time, and it’s a relief not having to come up with excuses.
A few of the same conversations play out, but you aren’t expected to say the same things you usually would. When they catch on that you’ve heard them all before, they apologise, but you assure them that it’s fine. They can’t help it— it’s their first time being here, even if it isn’t for you. And really, you just like the sound of their voices.
You don’t say that last part out loud, though. You know how they’ll react to it.
At Odile’s request, you read out the books about Wish Craft again, and wait patiently as she jots down notes. You told her the gist of it yesterday, so it shouldn’t really be new information, but it gives her something to think about that isn’t you, so you’re fine with it. Maybe she’ll even figure out a way to break your loops!
Ha. As if.
…Although…
When you reach the secret library and explain how the Favour Tree really works, the others ask about your wish. Not your most recent one, the stolen one, but your original wish. You go to give your usual dismissive answer, but then…
You think about it.
And you wonder.
Your stardust never told them, and you never did, either. It’s pretty embarrassing, and the time loop seems to actively prevent it from coming true, so you figured it was irrelevant.
But, maybe… Now that everything else is out in the open…
“Well… I don’t remember mine exactly, but I saw the other Siffrin make his wish,” you say. “They wished—”
[Don’t you dare.]
His voice rings in your head suddenly, the first you’ve heard from them in loops. You knew they were still watching, you knew it!!!
“Oh, blind off!!!” you say aloud, ignoring the party’s confusion. “Stardust, get over yourself! They already know everything else, what’s the harm in—”
[If you tell them, Loop, I swear I will jump off this branch and break my neck to loop us back. That’s a promise~!]
“You’re being ridiculous—”
[TRY ME!!!]
Ugh. They’ll actually do it, won’t they? Blinding wishless black hole.
You turn back to the others. “The other Siffrin is yelling at me,” you inform them. “They won’t let me tell you their wish. Sorry~!”
“Wait, they’re talking to you?” Isabeau asks. “He can hear us?!”
“Yep!”
“Is he okay?!?”
“Oh, he’s fine,” you say cheerfully. “Just a coward~!”
“Why don’t they want us to know?” Mirabelle asks.
You roll your eye. “Because it’s embarrassing,” you say. “But… It probably doesn’t matter, anyway. It was a stupid wish that never came true, so I don’t… think it’s relevant…”
“Are you sure?” Odile asks. “If you two are the only ones who know how to wish correctly—”
“Drop it, Researcher.” It comes out harsher than you’d intended. You lower your voice and add, “…Please.”
“…Fine. We can talk about it later.”
Your stardust doesn’t protest, though you doubt he’ll let you say it anyway. It’s not that you don’t understand, but…
Well. It probably doesn’t matter. Let it go, Loop(?).
You move on through the House, and try to stop thinking about it. Just… focus on beating the King for now. Odile said you’d have time to talk after.
You still can’t tell if you’re looking forward to it or dreading it.
The conversations at all of the snack breaks are different. Odile doesn’t bother with the coin flip, Isabeau doesn’t ask about burial rituals, and Mirabelle… She’s been awfully quiet, actually. She barely even reacted when she saw her roommate.
It’s the last safe room before the King. Bonnie hands out the usual snacks, and after everyone’s done eating, Mirabelle finally speaks.
“Um, everyone… There’s something I should tell you, before we fight the King. I’m guessing Siffrin already knows, but…” Her hands are shaking. She clenches them tightly, and continues. “…I wasn’t blessed by the Change God. It was the Head Housemaiden… She gave me her blessing when the King attacked.”
“Huh?”
“Her blessing?”
“Do you mean… the power to survive the King’s Curse?”
Mirabelle nods slowly. “Yes… It wasn’t the Change God. The Change God rarely does anything. But… everyone in Vaugarde assumed it must have been them, a-and I didn’t know how to correct them… I didn’t want to disappoint them, or make them lose hope, so I just… never told anybody,” she says. “But it was the Head Housemaiden. She’s always been such an incredible Crafter, so it’s no surprise she was able to do something like this… I… I just don’t know why she used it to save me, and not herself…!”
You should have expected she’d still be worried about this. You guess knowing you’re in a time loop doesn’t help in this regard.
“You’ve asked her before,” you say, trying to be helpful. “She said—”
“Ah, wait!!! Please don’t tell me!!!” Mirabelle interrupts quickly. “I-I mean… I want to ask her myself, and hear it in her own words. Is that okay…?”
…Maybe you’ve gotten too used to answering questions. You should re-learn how to shut up.
You keep your smile on. “Of course. You’ll be able to hear it from her soon, anyway!”
“…Thank you, Siffrin.” She hugs her arms, making herself small. “And… I’m sorry, everyone. For not telling you earlier. I-I know we’ll be fine, and we’ll beat the King, since Siffrin says we’ve done it plenty of times before. I just… thought you should know. I’m sorry…”
“Aw, Mira, come here!”
Isabeau scoops her up into a hug, and Bonnie scrambles over to join them. She melts into their arms, hugging them back tightly.
“We don’t care about your blessing, Mira,” Isabeau assures her. “What matters is that you’re here. You’re the one who was brave enough to save the whole country, so it doesn’t matter how you got there! We love you for you, and we’re here with you all the way.”
“Yeah! Who cares about some stupid blessing?” Bonnie says. “You’re Belle! You’re cool! And super brave and powerful!!! No wonder your boss wanted to bless you!!!”
“Yes, what these two said,” Odile agrees.
Mirabelle sniffs, burying her face in Isabeau’s arms. “Haha… Thank you, all of you…”
Isabeau looks up. “Sif, m’dame, you want to join?”
Oh, stars. How do you answer that? What do you do?!?
Odile glances at you. “…If a hug’s too much right now, you can always do what I do,” she suggests. To demonstrate, she reaches over and pats Mirabelle’s head gently, careful not to mess up her hair. Mirabelle laughs quietly.
…Yeah, something like that might be okay. You offer Mirabelle a hand, and she takes it gratefully. Your skin tingles.
“We’ve got this,” Mirabelle says, squeezing your hand. “Right?”
You nod. “We do. I promise.”
She breathes, steadying herself. “…Okay. Let’s do this, then.”
You fight the King. With Mirabelle’s shield, you survive his attacks easily. You don’t have the bomb this time, because you forgot the long thingy-thing in Dormont, nor do you have the Knifekey, because you never bothered sharpening it— but you don’t need either of them. You’re strong enough without them.
He cries, and he monologues, and he fights you with everything he has. He’s still far stronger than any single human should be, but there’s only one of him, and there’s five of you.
You kill him.
His body hits the floor, and once again, you race forward. Maybe this time…!!!
You rip the wish from his chest—
And it disappears with the rest of him, like it always does.
And then it’s over.
After Mirabelle quickly explains what’s going on, the Head Housemaiden gives you some space. You’re all gathered before the staircase that leads to the final room, where she waits patiently from above. It won’t be over until you speak to her, and she promises to give you plenty of time.
You’re still a little worried you’ll loop back out of nowhere, the way you did that first time. But… you doubt that’ll happen. You’ve been thinking about it, and you have a pretty solid theory as to why you did.
You’ve suspected for a long time that you loop back when something stops you or your stardust from ‘advancing’, whatever that actually means. It was easy to see the pattern when you were watching them: they looped when they died, yes, but also when something so terrible happened that they couldn’t possibly go on anymore. When the Kid screamed at them, or the Fighter rejected them, or the Researcher figured them out… When the Head Housemaiden said their journey was over.
When it was finally time to go home.
It’s… hard, thinking about it. You’ve never liked thinking about what comes after. These loops are a prison and you hate them, you hate this town, this House, this role you’ve been trapped in for as long as you can remember— but you’ve still never really thought about after. It hurts too much to think about.
Because you don’t have a home to go back to. This journey is all you’ve ever had.
You’re nothing without them.
But right now, the friends that used to be yours are still here. They’re waiting for you to speak. For some reason only the Universe knows, they want to help you, and they haven’t even been that disgusted with anything you’ve said so far.
So maybe…
Maybe you could…
…You’re still terrified. You don’t have any right to be, but you are. Even telling them about the time loop wasn’t as bad as this.
But you have to ask. Just this once.
You need to know.
You take a deep breath, and look up at them. It’s fine. You’re fine. You’ll be fine.
(You don’t have anything else to lose.)
Trying to keep your voice steady, you ask, “Theoretically… If I — if Siffrin — asked if any of you wanted to keep travelling together for a while after we beat the King, what would you say?”
You regret it as soon as you’ve said it, of course. It’s not your place to ask! You’re not even Siffrin! You aren’t theirs anymore!!! But—
“Oh?! That’s a lovely idea!” Mirabelle beams. “I was thinking of travelling again after this was all over, so it’d be nice to have a friend with me!”
Isabeau nods vigorously, grinning. “Yeah, sounds fun! Way better than going back to my old job.”
“I’d agree, too,” Odile says. Are her cheeks a little darker than usual…? “To be honest, I had been thinking of asking a similar question, but I never quite got around to it…”
“OH!!! I could take you guys to Bambouche to meet Nille! We can go there first!” Bonnie says. “And then after that… I dunno, but maybe she could come with us?”
“We’d have to ask if she’s okay with it first, but yes!!! That sounds like a wonderful idea!”
Oh.
…Oh. Your cheek feels wet.
You never considered that it would be so easy. That you could just… ask. It feels stupid, in hindsight. You already told them about the loops, and nothing terrible happened, so of course this wouldn’t be any different.
But… You just never thought…
…It was a long, long time ago. Long before Loop was born. You were still Siffrin back then; the idea of being anyone else had never even occurred to you.
The day before you’d fight the King — the day before you’d attempt it for the first time, though you had no way of knowing that then — you’d been told by Mirabelle that you should visit the Favour Tree. Innocently, you’d thought that asking a favour of a higher power was basically like making a wish, so that was what you did.
You didn’t think too hard about the process. You just did what you thought was obvious: you chose a leaf to represent yourself — a small one, curled up a little at the edges — held it gently in your palms, and wished.
The memory is so strangely clear to you, now that you know to look for it, but you still can’t remember the wish you actually made. You can only remember the options you narrowed it down to: to keep travelling with Mirabelle, to wear clothes made by Isabeau, to visit Ka Bue with Odile, to see Bonnie reunite with their sister. You don’t know which one you ended up choosing. Which is strange, isn’t it? Shouldn’t this be the part that stays in your memory the most, when you can remember the rest of it so vividly? But maybe…
Maybe it’s because it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t make a difference which one you chose. Because you wanted them all equally, and they all boiled down to the same thing. Your real wish.
You just wanted to stay with them.
…Is that…? No, stars, that can’t be it. It can’t be that simple.
Can it?
You think about it. Really think about it. All the times your stardust looped without dying… The way they always looped at the end… The way you looped, when you finally beat the King for the first time. Wasn’t it because…?
Because they were going to leave. Because it would be over. Your journey would come to an end, and they would all finally go home, and leave you behind.
And then you’d be alone again.
…All this time, that’s all you ever wanted. What he ever wanted.
Oh, stars.
“Siffrin, are you okay?”
That’s… Mirabelle’s voice, you think. You weren’t paying attention. They all seem concerned…
You smile, sniffling, and nod. “I just… figured something out. I think everything is going to be okay…!”
And stars, you believe it. You really do. Everything feels so clear to you suddenly, like the fog you’ve been wandering through has lifted. Like you’ve known the answer all along.
(Is he watching, still? Did he see it too? Did he figure it out?)
It takes some convincing, but eventually, they all seem to believe you. They let you go. Because you know what you have to do, now! You’re ready to end this.
You turn to face the staircase, and begin to climb.
The Head Housemaiden comes into view, smiling. She doesn’t speak yet — you’re still a little far away for that — but she acknowledges you. It’s all over when you talk to her, and if you’re right, it really will be over.
You still aren’t a hundred percent sure, but you could find out. Test the theory. Prove it, and make it real. And if you are right… If this is really the answer, and everything will finally come to an end…
It’ll be yours. You could take it, just like that.
Their happy ending.
. . .
You take a step forward.
Then another one, and another one, and another. And then you’re running, past the Head Housemaiden, towards the big, open window to the north. You can see an island in the distance, but that’s not what you’re here for.
Are you watching, stardust?
You jump.
For a brief, beautiful moment, you hang in the air, weightless. You look down, and see the Earth below you. The Universe leads you, gravity pulling you like a wave to the shore, falling with all the grace and brevity of a shooting star.
You close your eye.
And then, before you even hit the ground,
(You feel a tug on your heart.)
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