Chapter Text
Confessing that he was Mecha Man had been an impulsive decision. Robert hadn't exactly possessed the forethought while concussed to consider the fact that, oh yeah, they all needed to go right back to working together the next day.
Maybe it should have occurred to him sooner, particularly when Malevola’s articulate ‘oh, fuck’ was immediately followed by Prism saying; “You didn’t hear shit! I didn’t say nothin’!”
Robert had blinked, wide-eyed, as he began recalling all that had been said about Mecha Man– presumably at the same pace as the Z-team, if their expressions were anything to go by.
“I… look, lad, we were… we were just takin’ the piss, is all,” Punch Up added with a stiff smile and an even stiffer laugh. “We didn’t mean any of it.”
“I did,” Coup said, looking between Punch Up and Robert. “I stand by it, as well.”
“Darlin’, please–” Punch Up begged quietly, hissing under his breath.
“Damn. Y’all said some fucked shit, too,” Golem said bluntly, followed by a gravelly chuckle. “That’s awkward.”
“You said you’d marry him!” Mal cried indignantly.
“Yeah. I didn’t say I’d peg him or whatever the fuck.”
“I don’t take anything back,” Invisigal said with an uncharacteristically polite raise of her hand.
“You wouldn’t,” Robert mumbled, massaging his still-pounding temple.
“I was unaware that Robert Robertson and Mecha Man shared an identity. However, I will stand by any previous statements,” Phenomaman said plainly. “To do otherwise would be to cast myself in the light of a liar. Which I am not.”
“I actually– b-before this… I actually know–knew.”
“It… you…!” Flambae, who had seemed paralyzed until this very moment, stood. Robert stood too, bracing himself for the inevitable outburst. But Flambae ground his teeth, as if chewing on his words, before he blurted with an accusatory finger; “You’re just a little fucking pervert!”
Robert blinked, and felt the need to check himself for burns in case he’d already been incinerated and was having a very elaborate hallucination. He found none. “What?” he said flatly.
“You heard all of us saying that shit and you just…! Just sat there!” Flambae went on.
“I’ll be honest, I was expecting you to be angrier about the fingers. Or the tooth.”
“Don’t change the subject!” Prism snapped, backing up Flambae from her table.
“No, nonononono, you just let us talk about fucking Mecha Man like he wasn’t sitting right fucking next to us! With your little baby dick probably tenting your stupid pants!” Flambae raged on, flames flying from his shoulders.
“I mean, I had my suspicions. He sounds exactly the fucking same,” Sonar spoke up, still chewing on his cockroach-laden burrito. “Your voice is still hot, by the way.”
“Thank you?” Robert said, utterly baffled.
“And you didn’t tell me?” Mal asked, sounding somewhat heartbroken as she turned to Sonar. The man-bat’s ears perked up in panic at her tone.
“Shit– Mal, I totally would’ve… but I kinda wanted to have blackmail in case Boberto tried to cut me.”
“Ohh. Okay, yeah, that makes sense,” she relented easily with a small nod. She then turned to Robert. “So… do you like being tied up?”
“I’m not answering that,” Robert drawled, to which Mal turned to Sonar and murmured something along the lines of ‘not a denial…’
“Ugh. Fuck this. And fuck you, you… finger-stealing pervert!” Flambae snapped, jabbing a white-hot finger into Robert’s chest before the ex-villain was engulfed in flames, taking off into the sky.
“Loser couldn’t follow through,” Invisigal muttered.
“Okay, uh… I was totally expecting to have been incinerated by now, so I didn’t really have a follow-up,” Robert said honestly. “And this is also awkward as shit, so… does anyone else have something to say?”
A beat, where everyone looked unsure– as bizarre as that was for the Z-team, before Invisigal spoke.
“Uh… my name’s… Courtney,” she said with an uncertain smile, arms spreading like she was offering herself up in her entirety.
Something warm and fuzzy filled Robert’s chest. “Nice to meet you, Courtney,” he replied softly. Invisigal– Courtney’s tiny smile in reply could melt the tundra.
“Herm… sometimes Herman, or Hermy… but my grandma calls me Herm, so… Herm.”
“Kanton-Ur was the name given to me on my planet. When I first arrived on Earth, the ladies at the Nordstrom Rack I worked at called me ‘Dumpy’ due to my large posterior. You may call me either.”
“My name’s Victor. ‘Cause I’m a fucking winner.”
“Janelle.”
“I’m… Alice.”
“Bruno.”
“Uh– Malevola. My last name’s Gibb.”
“My name’s Colm.”
Robert couldn’t help a small, soft smile, looking around at them all. He could feel something shift, in that moment. However small. His heart seemed to flutter in his chest, which he hadn’t even known it could do.
Which, of course, meant Courtney had to ruin it.
“So… what now? Orgy time?” she inquired, sounding a little too genuine for it to fully be a joke.
“Right. Mega Fuego sauce and ass-play sounds like a great combo,” Robert replied with a chuckle.
Courtney gave a huff of laughter. “Good point. Anybody have another packet of that stuff?”
And after that, foolishly, Robert had sort of presumed everything would go back to how it was.
Except today… the villains of the Z-team were a touch too obedient. A little too stiff. Invisigal was no different than the usual, of course, but it felt like the majority of the others were walking on eggshells. Except for maybe Coup, who’d actually clued him in to what the cause was when she approached him and brusquely asked if he’d be interested in joining her and Punch Up for dinner. It had been Punch Up himself who saved Robert from replying, when he desperately dragged Coup away while babbling something about ‘just joshin’ with ye.’
That had been what clued him in.
He actually… didn’t like the quiet. The lack of snark and snap-backs, even the whining about missions. He kinda missed it, actually.
“What the fuck did ya’ do, neuter ‘em?” Chase asked him over the wall of the cubicle at one point. “How the hell’d ya’ manage to domesticate ‘em?”
“Long story, but you did miss 3 AM tacos,” Robert replied with faux cheer.
“After, lemme guess, you got into a bar fight? That’s what the bruises are about?” Chase asked, raising a bushy eyebrow. Robert opened his mouth, but didn’t really have a reply, so he closed it. “So you told ‘em.”
“Yeah. It felt right.”
“Well. I hope ya’ know what you’re doin’, givin’ your secret identity to a bunch of shit-for-brains supervillains.”
“They’re trying,” Robert replied with a sigh. “I’ve seen them trying to be better. Looking out for each other… looking out for me.”
“It’s your head, kid, not mine,” Chase said, but gentled his voice a moment later. “Your no-bullshit policy has worked so far, so I’ll trust ya’ to keep it going.”
They both returned to their computers a moment later, but the gears in Robert’s head began to turn.
Yeah. No bullshit.
That was why he asked everyone to meet him at the same taco place after work. But it was as he was getting ready in his apartment, Beef trailing behind him as he muttered to himself and pulled on a plain white tee, that a hellish red glow flooded the empty space.
He turned sharply to see a yawning, swirling red-and-black portal stretch across the width of his front door. A crimson leg, followed by a crimson hand, and then the rest of Malevola stepped into the space.
“Shit. This place is barren,” Mal said disapprovingly, looking around the space as Invisigal followed her through the portal.
“Uh. What the fuck?” Robert said loudly, trying to make it clear how not-okay he was with this new development as Beef eagerly ran to the two newcomers.
“We asked Blazer for your address. Told her it was for a wellness check,” Invisigal said, crouching down to pet Beef. She began rubbing his belly as he rolled over. The traitor.
“And she believed you?”
“Nah. We got Vic to hack your file,” Malevola said nonchalantly, stepping in to further examine the space. Well. At least they didn’t seem nearly as eggshell-walk-y when they were outside of work. “And Coup’s grabbing something from a French place she likes. Fucking hell, mate, do you not even have a couch?”
“Being Mecha Man is expensive, okay? And wait– Coup?” Robert raised his hands. “Is everyone coming over here?”
“Yeah. You said. You wanted. To meet up,” Invisigal repeated, slower and louder, like she was the one who had the right to be annoyed right now.
“For fuck’s sake,” Robert muttered, pinching the bridge of his nose.
“Hey, Golem.” Robert overheard Mal on the phone. “Can you, like, steal a couch? I know your apartment’s like right next to an IKEA… yeah, Rob doesn’t have a fucking couch… yeah I know it’s sad as shit, I thought you could like hide a couch inside your mud and shit and… you can? Okay, great. Just text me when you get it, I’ll send a portal your way.”
“Did you just–?” Robert started.
“I can steal ya’ a bed, too, at some point,” Mal went on with a cool smile that, admittedly, made Robert’s knees feel a little rubbery. “Don’t want ya’ getting fucking scoliosis in your thirties.”
“I am thirty–”
“Christ, man. Do you only have ramen?” Invisigal said, head poking up over the kitchen counter to look into the living room. She was carrying Beef now, whose tail was contentedly windmilling as she idly scratched his tummy. Maneuvering Beef to hold him with one hand, she pulled out her phone. “I’m gonna text Coup to get some extra croissants or whatever the fuck. Leftovers are less sad than this shit.”
Robert ran a hand down his face and wondered how the hell this was his life.
Golem was the next to arrive, stepping through Mal’s portal and immediately pulling a plush blue couch from the depths of his muddy body and easily setting it in the center of the room. Robert just accepted it, at that point.
Then came Coup and Punch Up, with several bags marked with a French-looking restaurant name and a shit ton of beer. Coup was actually out of her suit, leaving her in a cracked leather jacket, black tank-top and tight black pants. Robert sighed before submitting to his fate and cracking open a bottle, plopping down on the couch. It was actually really comfortable, which somehow annoyed him more.
Sonar appeared on the balcony in his monster form, before shrinking down to enter when Robert opened the sliding door, correcting his tie as he did so. He took one look at the apartment before turning to Robert and saying something about a crypto-currency he knew that would get Robert rich quick.
Prism barely acknowledged him as she walked in, tapping away at her phone. She still had her pink-and-blue wig, but was dressed in a fashionable fur-lined coat and heels rather than her usual getup. She was shortly followed by Waterboy, who was still in a water-retardant raincoat and boots, but his goggles were nowhere to be found.
Phenomaman, unsurprisingly, was still in his supersuit when he nearly crashed through the balcony doors.
Flambae punched him in the face the moment the door was open. But Robert could live with that.
By the time everyone was there, Robert had forgotten why he’d wanted to meet up in the first place. He’d had two beers, and found himself smiling and laughing far easier than usual as music filled the meager space. He didn’t think he’d ever been to a party, but if it was like this– just talking about random shit and drinking with good music, he could get used to it. Beet was enjoying all the chin scratches and belly rubs a good boy could want, until he trotted off to his bed to sleep.
“So, what’s all this about then, lad?” Punch Up, who was throwing back alcohol like water, was actually the first to ask. Everyone had either positioned themselves on or around the new couch, using Robert’s sad plastic chair as a table.
“Oh. Shit, yeah,” Robert said, setting aside his bottle. He leaned forward, resting his forearms on his knees. “Uh. I just wanted to talk to all of you about… me being Mecha Man.”
And just like that, the easy vibe soured, albeit only slightly. Prism snapped to attention, sat on the edge of the couch and leaning around Mal and Sonar to point at Robert. Invisigal was right beside Robert, all five of them crammed in like sardines– though strangely, Robert didn’t mind the proximity. “You didn’t hear me–”
“–say shit, yeah, I remember,” Robert said with a slight roll of his eyes. He sighed. “Look. I don’t want you to think of me any differently, alright? I’m still your dispatcher, we’re still chill. And everything you guys said…”
He hesitated, suddenly unsure. But everyone in the room seemed to read it wrong, because Mal spoke up. “Look, mate, we didn’t mean… it’ll never come up again if it makes you uncomfortable.”
“Perverted Bob-Bob,” Flambae muttered into his bottle. It was the first time Robert had ever seen him outside of his absurd v-necked bodysuit, but he looked far nicer with a deep v-necked button-up with the sleeves rolled up.
“No, no, it’s…” Robert took a breath. No bullshit. Here we go. “It surprised me but I actually… don’t mind. And I know it was just a stupid game meant for, y’know, teenage girls talking about their celebrity crushes, but… I’ll follow your guys’ lead. Whether or not you meant any of what you said, I just… like you all.”
There was a silence, and Robert’s jaw tightened as he shut his eyes. Of course. Of course he’d ruin this, too. Right after it’d just begun.
But then he felt a pressure against his lips.
His eyes snapped open, and he found himself staring at Invisigal. Her lips were soft, and… surprisingly gentle. Something warm flooded him, and he just about melted, hand coming up to cup her cheek as their lips parted to fit together. Her hands were against his chest, and everything about it was just so warm and gentle and perfect… and he chased her mouth a bit before they both pulled away. They stared at each other, wide-eyed, for a moment, her beautiful dark eyes all he could focus on.
“Holy shit,” Invisigal breathed out disbelievingly, open wonder painted across her features. She looked disarmingly vulnerable, before a small smile curved her darkly painted lips. She raised her eyebrows. “So you do mean ‘like’ like that.”
“What are you, twelve?” Robert said with a breathless laugh, hyperaware of her hands still against his chest. And it was in that exact moment that he remembered they weren’t alone, and looked around to see all eyes on them.
“So what the fuck are we, chopped liver?” Sonar commented, and Robert’s heart did that fluttering thing again.
“Wait. Do you… all actually want to…?” his words seemed to fade away in his mouth, his voice ragged.
“Fuck it, move over, Visi,” Mal commanded, and Invisigal slid away with a devilish grin, leaving Robert open for Mal to plant both hands on either side of his face and yank him into a bruising kiss. He hummed against her lips, startled, before her tongue slid against the seam of his mouth and he turned to jelly in her arms, having to reach up to hold her by the nape. She was warm, too, hellfire warm, and her tongue was scorching hot as it slid against his. He could taste something like spice, or maybe it was just pure heat. One hand slid down his chest to grab his waist, pulling him against her hard-soft figure as their lips continued to move against each other.
He gasped for air when she finally released him. She gave him a dazzling grin. “I can see why Blazer dumped Phenomaman for you after one kiss,” she said with a laugh.
“Hey, Boberto, you ever kissed a hybrid before?” Sonar asked, the question sounding genuine, at least in that semi-monotone Sonar always had.
Robert had to catch his breath, cheeks blazing and his head fuzzy. “I don’t think so.”
“Word of advice, watch the fangs.” And just like that, Malevola had slid over to the other side of Robert, leaving him pinned as Sonar reeled him in by the shoulders. It was strange at first, the bat-like snout pressed to his lips, but only for a moment. Robert barely had the wherewithal to, indeed, avoid the fangs as he blindly leaned into the kiss. He got a hold of Sonar’s tie, pulling him in as their tongues met. He didn’t taste anything like Mal, something coppery meeting his tastebuds. Any other time, Robert might have worried about the fact that he was probably tasting blood, rats, and cockroach right now, but somehow the fact that it was Sonar made him not give a shit. Robert felt a growl rumble against his lips, low and barely contained, and he groaned softly as a shudder worked its way through him.
“Y'know, this actually reminds me of some experimentation I did in Harvard,” Sonar said breathlessly as they parted, and Robert gave a scoffing laugh as he dropped his forehead into the man-bat's shoulder.
“And you've ruined it,” Robert muttered, grinning.
“”Oh c'mon, chicks love when I talk about my time at Har–”
“Ohmygod, move, you basic bat bitch!” Prism's voice cut through the moment, and Sonar was suddenly wrenched away with a loud, indignant screech on Sonar's end. Robert had no time to get used to the absence, though, before it was replaced by Prism. She hopped directly onto his lap, straddling his thighs and seizing him by the collar before she aggressively kissed him. Robert made a muffled noise of surprise before he fully adapted, parting his lips to allow Prism to lick into his mouth. She seized his wrist and dragged it down toward her thigh, and he obediently brought both hands down to frame her waist as her hips rolled against him. He moaned softly, her plush mouth melting every thought in his head, when she yanked at his hair, craning his head back to kiss him deeper. He moved his lips with hers on instinct as the warm fuzziness seeped into his brain.
She pulled back with a soft gasp, both of them catching their breath before she smirked, twisting her hand in his hair and making him whine quietly. “Damn right, baby. I know I'm good.”
Robert realized he must look like a wreck right now.
“Move, Prism. It is my turn,” Coup's raspy voice was stern, and Robert blinked dumbly at the assassin standing menacingly over Prism's shoulder. “Now.”
“And mine,” Punch Up laughed out.
“Oh-kay, girl, calm down,” Prism said with a roll of her eyes, before she slid off Robert’s lap. “Get your basic white boy with superb kissing skills, I guess.”
“Robert. Please understand. This would have happened far sooner if Punch Up had not intervened,” Coup said crisply as she perched herself on the couch, wrapping her arms around him from behind.
“Darlin’, you typically have to glean if someone's interested before ye spring somethin’ like that on ‘em,” Punch Up said, his tone fond as he positioned himself on the other side of Robert. The dispatcher could barely comprehend what either of them were saying– he was already staring at Punch Up's mouth.
“You are mistaken. Any conquest I have, I seek relentlessly and without mercy. This also applies to romance,” Coup replied, her breath fanning over Robert’s throat and making him shiver despite the warmth. God, had he always felt so cold without someone pressed against him? Her lips dragged up his neck, ticklish and feather-light, coming to rest against his jaw. “You know this.”
“Aye, I do,” Punch Up said with a grin before he leaned in to kiss Robert. His mustache tickled, and Robert found himself smiling as he kissed back. Coup continued pressing her lips to his throat, and he moaned into Punch Up's mouth when she suddenly sucked, undoubtedly leaving a mark. She nipped her way up his neck, getting a hand around his chin to sharply tug his face toward her and kiss him, immediately biting at his lower lip. Her teeth were sharp, sinking into him as the ticklish softness of Punch Up's mouth replaced hers at Robert’s neck. The bitter scent of whiskey cologne and floral perfume swirled around him.
“God, this is hot,” Invisigal's voice reached him, and Robert parted from Coup's assault on his mouth to see Invisigal lounging in his plastic chair with a cat-like smirk, accompanied by the rest of the Z-team all still watching him and drinking. Golem tossed an entire beer bottle into his mouth with a crunch. “Good thing you had this cuck chair at the ready, huh?”
“It's not a– oh, whatever,” Robert muttered before he leaned back in toward Coup, her hand now planted firmly on his nape as if she was preventing him from escaping again.
He was gasping by the time they released him, and he found his gaze drifting to Waterboy, perched nearby and wide-eyed. The ex-janitor quickly averted his gaze, blushing q bashful bright pink. Robert couldn't help but smile.
“Do you want a turn?” He asked softly, voice coming out low and rough.
Waterboy's head snapped right back up, looking downright petrified. He hesitated, nervously fiddling with his hands, before an adorably determined expression settled over his face. “I would l-like… I'd– yes. Yes I would.”
Coup petulantly held onto Robert a moment longer before she begrudgingly moved away. When she found a seat on the floor, she hauled Punch Up onto her lap to cuddle him instead. Waterboy, meanwhile, tentatively stepped forward. Robert sat up to meet him, smiling softly at Waterboy's eagerness as he took his hands, gently leading him in until their lips met. It was a much more chaste kiss, gentle, lips sliding against each other without ever making any move for more. Waterboy's lips, unsurprisingly, were slick and cool to the touch, but it wasn't at all unpleasant. Robert licked at the moisture there, smiling at Waterboy's shivery gasp.
When he withdrew, Waterboy looked at him with big, lovestruck eyes that just about melted Robert into a puddle himself.
“That was really– I-I mean you… you are… really, r-really amazing,” Waterboy stammered, voice coming out small.
Robert smiled. “You're pretty amazing yourself.”
Someone wolf-whistled, probably Mal, and Waterboy ducked his head to give a shy grin that looked entirely proud of itself as he returned to his seat beside the couch.
“Oh, are you–? Fucking Wetfartboy got a turn before me? Fucking me?”
Robert turned to Flambae with a sigh. “Well first of all, if you want a turn at all, you'll never fucking call him that again,” Robert said matter-of-factly, and Flambae bristled, folding his arms. “Second, I didn't know you even wanted one, seeing as I'm a pervert.”
Flambae scowled, jaw tightening as his eyes darted to the side. He took a breath, taking a long time with his words before he actually spoke them. “Well, considering you're making out with like, nine people back-to-back–”
“You wanna kiss me or not?” Robert asked flatly.
Flambae grimaced, before he groaned– loud and annoyed. “Fucking fine!”
He stormed across the room, ripping Robert off of the couch and practically holding him aloft before he slammed their lips together. Robert returned it easily, biting back when Flambae nipped viciously at his lips. The kiss could only be described as angry, tongues and teeth clashing over and over, and Flambae suddenly grabbed his ass, prompting him to make a surprised noise low in his throat. But Robert met him shot for shot, reaching up to yank Flambae's stupid-ass ponytail free and wind his fingers through the soft curtain of hair. He tasted like spices somehow, heavily influenced by his smoky cologne. Prism gave a ‘woo!’ and Robert pulled away first, Flambae chasing his lips before he seemed to come back to himself. Flames licked harmlessly at Flambae's shoulders, lapping at Robert’s arms but not burning at all.
For only a second, Flambae's amber eyes were wide and dark with his blown pupils, his expression soft, before it tightened into a scowl and he shoved Robert away with a huff. “There. You lucky bitch. You're welcome.”
Robert just scoffed and let his lips curl into a knowing smile. “Uh-huh. Thanks.”
Flambae looked away with a scowl, cheeks pinkening as the flames flared. He reached around to pat out the flames as he moved to stand beside Prism. Discreetly, though, the two shared a high-five below the belt.
Robert looked to Phenomaman, who'd simply been watching with passive interest. “What about you, big guy?”
“I hope you take no offense, Robert Robertson, but I fear that the kiss we shared in the parking lot was less than extraordinary,” Phenomaman said candidly. “And also… I believe I would like some time before I share a true romantic moment with someone again. I have accepted Blonde Blazer moving on from our relationship, but I am still searching for another passion, as you'd advised.”
“Fair enough. No pressure here,” Robert said, patting Phenomaman's massive arm reassuringly.
Invisigal snorted. “Wait. You two already kissed–?”
“Golem?” Robert asked curiously. The massive construct gave a shrug.
“Don't really care about that stuff much. I like being close to people, but I'm not looking to make out like y'all,” he said simply. “Little kisses are fine.”
Robert hummed, pacing forward and having to stand on his toes to press a kiss to Golem's cheek. It was like kissing a sun-warmed cliff-face.
“Is that fine?” Robert asked.
Golem's craggy face curved into a big, crooked smile. “Yeah. That works.”
There was a beat, with an undeniably comfortable silence. “So… what the fuck is this now?” Prism asked, looking around at everyone.
“I dunno. What do you guys want it to be?” Robert asked amicably, looking at everyone in turn.
“I mean… I think pretty much everyone here is hot as fuck,” Mal said casually, cracking open another beer.
“Ditto,” Sonar added, taking said beer.
“So, what, we just… all date each other?” Invisigal asked. “Is that even… like… allowed?”
“I don't see why not,” Robert said. “I'm not gonna tie anyone down. But if we all like each other… hey, what the hell, right?”
A murmur of agreement throughout the room, and a few pairs moving closer together.
“So…” Invisigal drawled. “Now is it orgy time?”