Chapter Text
Jefferson never knew a cabinet meeting could be so boring. Being president was something he will always be grateful of, but the person he would showing that gratefulness to the most would be Hamilton. Hamilton, who was absent from the meeting and always will be. Hamilton, who despite hating Thomas' guts, endorsed him completely. Hamilton, who was dead.
Thomas immediately discarded the thought and tried to pay attention to the meeting though he found much difficulty in it. Every time he heard the words "I disagree." Jefferson looked over, hoping to see Hamilton's body shooting up from his seat like he always did before aggressively trying to prove his point with as much passion as usual. Every time, however, Jefferson was disappointed.
Jefferson tried to be a good president, but it was hard when he felt an uneasy emptiness in his chest. An emptiness he's had since Hamilton's life was ended too short. He played the memories in his head whenever he was alone. He felt scared when he realized the quality of them were fading with time, knowing there was no more times to spend with Hamilton.
There was an addiction in closing his eyes and remembering all the times shared with Alexander. Sure they weren't the best but they were all he had, he wished he and Hamilton had put aside their differences for once and enjoyed themselves in each other's company when he was still here. Though Thomas knew that he would hate hearing Hamilton's name if he didn't know that his death was quickly approaching.
Part of Jefferson still denied that fact, the disbelief that didn't dissipate with time like it should've. 'There's no way he's gone! He'll come back soon enough and yell at you like he always does' a small voice echoes in the back of his head and for once, Thomas would've loved nothing more than for that to happen.
His wife has recognized how quiet he's being and through all the persistent nagging, Thomas finally let out a truthful answer, "one of my co-workers' been shot" he spoke emotionlessly, and after a few seconds of silence, his wife shocked voice resonated in the room.
"Will he be alright?" She doesn't know, of course she doesn't know. Thomas has been keeping to himself since he received the news himself. Thomas would've laughed if it weren't for the heavy weight within him, holding him down from any strong emotions beside grief.
"He's already dead." A pause. "Excuse me." Jefferson spoke as he stood from his chair and went to bed early that night.
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Jefferson has been getting people concerning over him, and even though he would usually love the attention, he wanted nothing more then for them to leave him alone. The only place where he could be was somewhere he's been striving to go yet at the same time he'd rather be anywhere else.
It was only when his wife recommended seeing a doctor that Thomas decided to go. Others shouldn't be worrying about Jefferson's problems, that was Jefferson's job. And he knew what he had to do, he was just going to dread doing it.
Thomas had picked the perfect day to go, gray sky, on and off drizzling rain, and foggy streets. What could compose a happier day! Jefferson trudged his way around the building to the coldest part of any place. With a hard swallow, Jefferson took a deep breath and trudged his way over to his destination.
Raindrops rolled down the cold stone cinematically, and it made Jefferson's job of regulating his breathing even harder.
"I guess I...well, I don't really know how to start this." Jefferson practically whispered to the slab with the words etched into them.
"Alexander Hamilton 1755-1804"
"I'm going to be honest, you were a pain in the ass. I don't understand why this is so hard for me to do." He stared at ground where the grass and dirt meet tombstone.
"Even though, we were always at each other's throats, I kind of always felt...a connection between us. Maybe I'm just crazy, I wouldn't doubt it at this point. But throughout all of our arguments, I thought there was something underneath the petty insults there was something, like a- like an- I don't know..." He struggled to speak with a growing lump his throat. His voice grew more and more shaky by the second.
"I just- no matter what we said to each other and what we thought, we understood our passion and found it impressive how we wouldn't give up. I know that's how I felt about-" Jefferson had to stop in his tracks for the mere thought of holding back anymore was too difficult.
"I thought- maybe I-" he couldn't continue as his voice went more high pitched as tears of pent up grief finally fell. His eyebrows furrowed so hard his face ached and his quivering lip did nothing to help him.
He covered his face to hide the hot tears and the sobbing gasps he couldn't hold back any longer. He tried to calm his breathing and wiped away the tears that remained on his face and gathered at his chin. He tried to dry his hands by wiping the wetness away on his coat to half-avail. But at this point it didn't matter, only this did.
"I thought I hated you with all my being, I thought I wanted nothing more than you gone. But now that you are-" a shaky inhale. "I want nothing more than you back, overdoing your speeches, and laughing loudly with no shame. I thought I hated it but now I miss it with all my being. I miss you with all my being. And I realize I never got to say this to you, I'm sorry. I should've been better to you, and frankly you should've been a little better to me but now it doesn't seem like it matters. Rest well, Hamilton. I hope to see you on the other side someday." Thomas finished and turned to leave before just mouthing something silently, for it felt to personal to even whisper.
"I hope Laurens and your mother welcomed you well up there, I better see that smile of yours when I join you someday." Jefferson walked away from the Trinity church like a weight was lifted off his shoulders. The small voice in denial was gone for good but the empty hole in his heart didn't disappear. Thomas didn't expect it to, yet he was ready to face the rest of his life with it.