Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

I should’ve been embarrassed by how much I liked living here.

Two years ago, I was still living in my own apartment (if you could even call that shoebox an apartment). As everyone knew, the place was so small I could practically brush my teeth, cook shit, and answer the front door without taking more than three steps.

However, Felix, in the most casual way possible, told me to stop wasting time traveling from my apartment to his house because he wanted me to instantly appear in front of him when he's bored or if he needed anything.

So I stayed with him. Not with him, exactly. According to Felix, there were boundaries like separate bedrooms and separate spaces. Completely normal arrangement.

The degrading part according to him was that my assigned room was originally his storage room and somehow, his storage room was five times larger than my entire apartment. This room was different from that one where me and Jeongin had sorted his clothes. This was the door next to it.

Sometimes I stood in the middle of it just to laugh at the absurdity. The room had its own bathroom, a massive window overlooking the city, and enough closet space to fit everything I owned with room left over for a small family. Felix had looked around after showing it to me and simply said, “It should be enough.”

Enough… for a storage room. But it was too luxurious for someone like me.

Today, though, I couldn’t appreciate any of it. I was curled beneath the blankets, shivering despite the warmth of the room, and every muscle aching. My head felt stuffed with cotton, my throat burned, and even lifting my phone had required effort. Still, there were responsibilities.

Mainly Felix.

Because while the rest of the world knew him as a Kpop idol, celebrity, and social media darling, my job was a little more complicated. Publicly, I was his personal assistant and driver. Privately, I was still technically those things, except I also lived in his house and spent far too much time worrying about whether he’d eaten lunch and of course, his sex toy.

When I realized I couldn’t even sit upright without getting dizzy, I called Minho. “Sir,” I croaked into the phone, pulling the blanket tighter around myself. “You need to pick Felix up today, please.”

Minho instantly sounded suspicious. “Why me? You’re dying?”

“Probably.”

“You have a fever?”

“Yes.”

“You’re being an asshole, I have so much on my plate now and I'm still calling the hotel that Adidas booked.”

“I’m literally shaking.”

A sigh came from the other end. “Alright. I’ll get him.” I nearly cried from relief.

After hanging up, I dropped my phone onto the mattress and closed my eyes. The room spun slightly whenever I moved. Ten minutes later, a knock sounded against the door. I assumed it was one of the household staff checking on me.

“Come in,” I mumbled.

The door opened and Felix walked inside as my stomach immediately dropped. He was already dressed for work, dark sunglasses pushed onto his head, loose cardigan hanging from his shoulders, hair still slightly damp from his shower. Somehow he managed to look expensive even when he looked half awake.

His eyes landed on me instantly as his eyebrows pulled together. “You’re really sick?” he asked.

I stared. “Sorry but… you aren’t supposed to be here. You might catch whatever this is. And Sir Minho is supposed to pick you up.”

“He is.”

I blinked at him. “Then why–-? I mean, do you need something from me?”

Felix shrugged but the shrug somehow irritated me. “I want to check if you're not faking it.” That was it. There was no dramatic concern nor emotional speech. Just wanted to check if I'm really dying or I was making excuses. He walked over to the bed and placed the back of his hand against my forehead like my appearance alone was not convincing. His palm was cool while mine felt like it was on fire.

“You’re really fucking sick. Useless.” That was all he said, subsequently he turned around and started walking toward the door. I stared after him in disbelief as Felix glanced back. “What?”

I just shook my head. Then, almost as an afterthought, he added, “I told the kitchen to make soup.” Yeah, I was stupid because my chest did something stupid. I felt happy just by hearing him telling the staff to make something for me. “And medicine is coming.”

I swallowed. “Oh—thank you.”

“You should sleep.” The words were simple and he sounded so nonchalant like he always was. But he had come to my den before leaving for work. He had checked my fever himself. He had already arranged food and medicine before I even knew he was home. 

I made a pitiful grin as Felix sighed and rolled his eyes. “I hate your sick face, so please get well before it irritates me.”

By two in the afternoon, I was still trapped in bed. The fever had gone down compared to the morning, but my body felt heavy, as if someone had poured wet cement into my bones while I slept. I had managed to eat some soup and force down the medicine the housekeeper left outside my door, but every time I stood up for more than a minute, dizziness hit me hard enough to make me sit down again.

My phone vibrated on the nightstand and it was Felix. I answered in a beat despite my sore throat. “Hello?”

“Did you take your medicine?” I was kinda sad that there was no hello nor how are you. Just straight to business.

I smiled anyway. “Yes.”

There was a brief pause before Felix irritatingly sighed. “You should recover tomorrow already because you’ll accompany me.”

“What?”

“We fly to New York tomorrow. Duh? Remember?” He sounded like seconds before throwing his phone.

My headache suddenly doubled. “For what?”

“Hello? My Adidas campaign. Are you dumb that you forget that?”

As if that explained everything. “Oh.”

“You need to come, so hurry up and stop being sick.”

I stared at the ceiling. “Ok—”

The line disconnected before I even finished a single word. That was it. He didn't say goodbye or get well soon. Just an expectation that somehow my body would magically obey his schedule.

I lowered the phone and stared at it for several seconds before laughing weakly to myself. "Funny. Felix genuinely seems to believe sickness could be predicted. Recover tomorrow? As if a fever worked like an alarm clock. As if I could simply decide to stop being sick because his flight schedule requires it."

I rubbed my face and groaned. How was I supposed to guarantee I’d be healthy tomorrow? Still, despite my complaints, I dragged myself out of bed. Because if there was even a tiny chance of recovering before morning, I wanted it.

I opened the cabinet beside my bed and found every vitamin supplement I owned. Vitamin C and Vitamin D plus Zinc. Things I had bought months ago and forgotten existed. I swallowed them together with another glass of water and my medicine, hoping my immune system would get the message and start working overtime. Because the truth was, I wanted to go because I liked traveling with Felix. I now really liked working with him and I liked being useful. And if I was being completely honest, I didn’t particularly enjoy being apart from him either.

By nighttime, however, my body clearly hadn’t received the memo. I was still sick and still exhausted. Still warm enough that the blankets felt uncomfortable.

I was half asleep when my bedroom door suddenly swung open and Felix walked in. One look at his expression told me he was very very annoyed. “The fuck? You’re still sick?”

I slowly pushed myself upright. “Unfortunately. I'm sorry.”

His jaw tightened and crossed his arms. “I think you’re doing this on purpose.”

“Hm?” I stared at him. “What?”

“You don’t want to come.” His words were cold and my feverish brain struggled to process his logic. “So you’re intentionally making yourself sick.”

I almost laughed but instead, I unbuttoned my shirt. “I'm not, you can check.”

Felix looked offended but after a second, he stepped closer and take a peek on my chest. I don't know where I got the guts but I suddenly wrapped my arms around his waist and rested my forehead against his stomach.

“Sorry,” I murmured.

His body immediately stiffened and soon groaned. “Now how am I supposed to pack my things on my own when you're this useless?”

There it was, the real problem. I smiled weakly. “I’ll call Jeongin.”

Felix's annoyed face was on full display as he removed my arms from around him. “I might get sick too if you keep touching me.” I frowned as his expression remained cold. “You’re celebrating, aren’t you?”

“Huh?”

“That you won’t be running around for a week because I’m not around. What? You're gonna be lazy rolling around here? Must feel like vacation.” My eyebrows swiftly pulled together because the accusation genuinely hurt. I shook my head. 

How could he think that? Working for him was difficult, yes, but I no longer considered it as a burden. The money he paid me had changed my life. It helped me move my mother into a better healthcare facility and it helped with her treatments.

It helped me breathe in return. And beyond that… I simply liked being with him. Even if our arrangement made absolutely no sense. Even if he treated me like his sex worker behind closed doors while pretending to be employer and employee everywhere else. I liked him, still. I know it sounded absurd but I really liked him even after everything we’ve gone through. Enough that a week apart sounded awful.

But Felix wasn’t looking at me anymore and he turned toward the door. Without another word, he left the room suddenly. “I’m gonna miss you.” I whispered hopelessly to the air. 

When I woke up, Felix was already gone. There was no knocking on my door at five in the morning and no dramatic complaints about how slowly I moved. No voice demanding that I wake up because his schedule was more important than my need for sleep.

Just this silence that I hate because of how big his house was. For a moment, I thought maybe he was still at the airport. I opened Life360 and his location was gone. I stared at the screen, he was offline. Maybe he turned his phone off because he was already flying. The thought shouldn’t have bothered me as much as it did.

Felix was probably sleeping and probably busy. Probably annoyed at me. That last possibility felt the most likely. I sighed and put my phone away.

The good news was that I actually felt better. Not completely healthy, but better. The fever had mostly disappeared. My head no longer felt like it was being crushed from the inside, and the medicine seemed to be doing its job. Ultimately, after two days, I didn’t feel like I was dying every time I stood up.

I made my way downstairs and one of the house helpers was arranging dishes in the dining room. “Good morning,” I said.

She smiled warmly. “Feeling better, sir?”

“A little.” I sat down and looked at the bowl of soup waiting for me. “Thank you for taking care of me.”

Her eyes softened. “Mr. Felix instructed everyone to keep checking on you.”

I looked down before she could see me smile like an idiot. I ate quietly while scrolling through my phone. Eventually I opened Felix’s chat.

[Hyunjin: Sorry for not coming with you. I hope you land safely.]

I stared at the message for a few seconds before sending it and the message was delivered quickly.

After breakfast, I returned to my room and slept for almost the entire day. The next morning, I felt normal like the sickness had finally released me. I sat on the edge of my bed for several minutes before opening my laptop. Finally, I booked a flight with my own money.

Technically Felix would be furious. Months ago, he had practically thrown his credit card at my face and declared that all work-related expenses were his responsibility. Like flights and hotels and food. Everything.

But this wasn’t exactly work because this was me wanting to see him. So I paid for it myself.

Afterward, I was able to make it to the airport. I opened Life360 and saw he was at his hotel. Heaving a deep breath, I turned my location off. The guilt hit instantaneously. Felix was definitely going to lose his mind. Not only would my location disappear, but I wouldn’t answer any calls during the flight either.

For someone as controlling about schedules as Felix, this was practically a declaration of war. And yet I couldn’t stop smiling because I already knew his reaction. He would scold me, boss me around and complain about something completely unrelated. Then throw at least three tantrums before dinner. Maybe five. Still smiling, I opened my messages and texted Minho.

[Hyunjin: I’m flying to New York today. Don’t tell Felix.]

 

[Minho: Are you stupid?]

 

[Minho: He is already in a bad mood because apparently, seeing my face alone makes him want to punch someone. Just tell him you’re coming here.]

 

[Hyunjin: Just please let me do this once, I want to surprise him.]

 

[Minho: You’re the only employee who can do this to him.]

 

[Minho: If he throws a tantrum, you’re the sole person who is liable. So fix it yourself. I won’t meddle if he starts stabbing you.]

I stared at the screen before looking out the airport window where planes moved across the runway beneath the morning sunlight. Maybe Minho was exaggerating. Probably but still, my heart felt strangely warm.

Because despite everything, despite Felix’s impossible personality, despite my huge mistake, despite the endless complaints and orders and dramatic outbursts, there was something comforting about knowing someone would actually miss me.

I picked up my carry-on bag when boarding was called and I sent one final message.

[Hyunjin: Okay.]

After that, I silenced my phone, boarded the plane, and spent the entire walk to my seat smiling like an idiot at the thought of Felix’s face when he realized I was standing in New York.

Fuck. But nobody told me the flight was horrible.

Fifteen hours trapped inside a metal tube gave a person (that’s me) far too much time to think, and unfortunately most of my thoughts revolved around one very annoying K-pop blond currently somewhere in New York. By the time the plane landed, my neck hurt, my eyes burned, and my body couldn’t decide whether it was supposed to be asleep or awake.

Still, I grinned the moment I stepped out of the airport because I was here. I shortly booked a taxi and gave the driver the address of Felix’s hotel. Well, not exactly at Felix’s. The building next to Felix’s hotel because the place Adidas booked for him cost more per night than my monthly salary. There was absolutely no way I was paying for that. So I checked into a cheaper accommodation across the street instead.

The room was tiny and the bed looked questionable plus the air conditioner sounded like it was preparing for takeoff. Perfect! I dropped my bag onto the floor, sat on the edge of the mattress, and pulled out my phone. There were several missed calls, almost all from Felix and a few from Minho.

I felt a little guilty, just a little. I was planning to call them later after a very short nap. I picked up my phone to set an alarm for seven in the morning. Then everything went black.

The next thing I knew, sunlight was flooding through the room as my eyes snapped open and I reached for my phone. 10:03 AM.

My heart nearly stopped. “Oh god, no.” I sat upright so quickly that the room spun. “No, no, no.” The alarm. I never set the alarm. I had fallen asleep before pressing the button. Seven was Felix's call time and I haven’t messaged Felix since yesterday. I threw on the first clothes I could find, brushed my teeth in approximately ten seconds, and ran out of the hotel.

The taxi ride felt endless like every pedestrian crossing the road became my mortal enemy. By the time I arrived at the photoshoot location, I was sweating badly. Security stopped me on the spot. “Sorry, sir. Authorized personnel only.”

“I’m with Felix.”

The guard looked unimpressed because every fan and everyone probably said that (and note that I was bathing with my own sweat). I sighed and pulled out my phone. Thankfully, Minho answered in just two rings.

“You’re alive.” Minho said flatly.

“Can you tell security to let me in?”

Minho actually laughed like I was a joke. “You actually came.”

A few minutes later, the guards stepped aside as I hurried inside. The photoshoot set was enormous. Staff members rushed everywhere carrying equipment, racks of clothing, makeup kits, cameras, and lighting gear. Models moved between stations while producers shouted instructions into headsets.

I searched for Felix. Eventually, I found a private tent designated exclusively for him. I took a deep breath before pushing aside the entrance flap. There he was, Felix sat in front of a mirror while makeup artists worked around him. There was a half-finished matcha sat beside him while his attention was fixed on his phone, probably scrolling through Instagram. Probably still angry.

“Hello, Sir.” I said and the room went silent.

Felix looked up as our eyes met through the mirror. For one second, he completely froze and the makeup artist’s brush stopped moving. Like seriously nobody breathed.

Eventually, something happened that I genuinely wasn’t prepared for, Felix’s eyes immediately filled with tears as I felt all the guilt choking me now. He stood so quickly his chair nearly tipped over that the makeup artist jumped back. And before I could react, he punched me. His fist hit my arm painfully. It was definitely a punch of someone mad. “You idiot!” He punched me again. “I thought you left me!”

My skin under the shirt started to bruise as he hit me again. “Why weren’t you answering your calls?!” He gritted his teeth as another punch landed. “And why did you turn your location off?!” His voice actually cracked. I stared at him and was totally speechless because Felix wasn’t just angry. He had been crying and his eyes were red. His lashes were wet and his hands were shaking.

Minho appeared behind and one look at Felix was enough. “Everyone out.”

The staff obeyed, within seconds the tent emptied. Even Minho left and the entrance closed and suddenly it was just us.

Felix wiped furiously at his eyes. “I hate you, how dare you do that to your boss? Do you have a death wish?”

“I–I’m so sorry. I just want to surprise you…” I couldn’t stop staring because none of this made sense. Felix got annoyed and Felix threw tantrums. Felix complained about everything. He even kidnapped me before to do horrible things and threatened to kill me… But crying? Over me? I had never seen that before.

Guilt twisted painfully inside my gut because he must've felt scared like how he was when Chan left him. I should have answered and should have told him. I should have warned him I was coming. Instead I had spent more than twenty four hours smiling about the surprise while apparently driving him insane.

“I’m sorry, please. Forgive me.” I apologized sincerely while looking intently at him.

“I thought…” He stopped like the words seemed difficult for him. For Felix, that alone was shocking.

“What is it?”

His eyes dropped to the floor and he whispered quietly enough that I almost missed it. "I thought you escaped. I thought you planned everything to run away as far as you can from me...” From his perspective, I hadn’t been surprising him. I had disappeared. And somehow, despite all his confidence, despite his fame, despite the way he bossed everyone around, a part of him had genuinely believed I might leave.

The thought should have made me sad. Instead, embarrassingly, it made me happy. Crazy? Yeah, maybe.

Before I could think myself out of it, I stepped forward. Felix was still looking down, avoiding my eyes, his hands clenched into fists at his sides as if he was embarrassed that I had witnessed him crying.

My hands found his soft cheeks and so I kissed him just once. For the first time, I initiated it. I closed my eyes as my lips moved on their own. It was the kind of kiss that felt more like an apology than anything romantic. I slowly wrapped my arms around his waist.

I wanted to tell him I missed him. The words were at the tip of my tongue. It was true, I missed him when I woke up and his house was empty. I missed him when I ate breakfast alone. I missed him during that entire fifteen-hour flight. But I didn’t have the right, not really. So instead I lowered my head and said the only thing I felt allowed to say. “Sorry.”

Felix stayed quiet. Consequently, his shoulders relaxed. “You’re fucking annoying.”

I smiled without him seeing. I missed his warmth. “Sorry.”

“Stop saying sorry, you sound like a broken player. Is that the only word you know? Are you that stupid?”

“Sorry.”

He finally shoved my shoulder hard enough to make me laugh. We shared another kiss, my hands securing around his small waist and him reaching for my hair, tugging them so he could reach me closer. I wanted to kiss him over and over until he felt how much I wanted to be beside him until the day he tossed me at the curb. As long as he needs me, I will be here for him. Doing everything for him.

I love you, Felix. I love you so much…

As we parted and a string of our shared spit hung between us, Felix looked up. He slapped my cheek softly. “I’m still mad. You can’t leave my sight, okay?” I nodded and smiled like I should have known better.

By the time the makeup artists returned, Felix had mostly calmed down. Highlight on 'mostly.' He still glared at me occasionally while they fixed his makeup again. Apparently crying wasn’t part of Adidas’s original campaign concept so I stayed quietly in the corner while stylists adjusted his clothing.

Even after knowing him for years, it was still strange watching the transformation happen. Minho had said that Felix miraculously softened a little when we started fucking. Yes, he already knew Felix's agenda when he took me back in. But the rest of the staff including Jeongin thought I was just his favorite personal assistant. Most called it a miracle, Minho called it a sacrifice.

I adored seeing Felix getting glammed up as he looked like someone who belonged on giant billboards. The streetwear suited him with the oversized jacket and the expensive sneakers. The layered accessories. Everything looked effortless on him. He was so androgynous that he looked boyish and cool but also so beautiful. The kind of beautiful that made people stop walking. The kind that made cameras love him.

Eventually Minho walked over and stood beside me. Neither of us spoke for a while as we simply watched Felix work. Thence, Minho sighed. “Felix usually does that to Chan.”

I looked at him. “Does what?”

“The chasing.” He said as I frowned. “The expensive gifts. The obsession. The constant need for attention.” Minho shoved his hands into his pockets. “He used to look for Chan like a lost puppy and got giddy when he showed up unexpectedly during his shoots.”

I looked back toward the set. Chan used to be the official boyfriend. The person who had every right to stand beside Felix even in front of the camera. THE WHOLE WORLD KNEW. Unlike me.

“Now it’s your turn.”

I lowered my gaze. The words didn’t make me happy. If anything, they made something uncomfortable inside me because Chan was different. Chan had been chosen. I was just… Me. The person paying for whatever I did back then.

“We’re not boyfriends,” I said quietly.

Minho snorted. “Why? Because you almost got sued and he tricked you into becoming his slave? And because he’s keeping you alive and paying you monthly?” I didn’t answer because it kinda sounded harsh and put me back into my place.

“Same thing,” Minho continued. “He might not have paid Chan directly, but trust me, he gave that guy way more expensive things than whatever he’s giving you. You're like a charity or something.”

I looked away. Minho misunderstood. Everyone did. The money was never the point, none of that mattered. I wasn’t staying because of money and I wasn't staying because two years ago I had made a mistake. A terrible mistake, one that almost destroyed Felix’s career. One that still haunted me. Yes, everything I did now felt like repayment for a debt. But I seriously would not want this any other way. I want to be with him voluntarily.

So I simply nodded and let Minho believe whatever he wanted as my attention drifted back to Felix. The cameras were rolling again. And honestly… As his forever fan, this was enough.

Years ago, I would have been happy just attending one of his events. Now I was standing here watching him work from only a few feet away and I can kiss him behind doors, what's there to not want this? Life was weird.

A break was finally called around three. Felix looked around before his eyes landed on me. “Ferret! I want a soda.”

“Okay.” I straightened instantly and I moved before he could say anything else. One Coke Zero, five ice cubes. I knew the drill, it was not four, not six. Five. Because Felix was insane like that.

I returned a minute later and handed him the drink. Felix removed the lid and actually counted the ice cubes. "One. Two. Three. Four. Five." Thus, he nodded like approval granted. “Good.” He waved me away.

I couldn’t stop smiling as the rest of the day continued like that. “Ferret, my charger.” “Ferret, where’s my hoodie?” “Ferret, the lighting is annoying.” “Ferret, this straw is bent.” “Ferret, my water tastes different.”

Most of the requests were ridiculous and some were physically impossible. One involved locating a specific flavor of cookie that apparently only existed in Korea. Yet somehow I found myself jogging across the set all day without complaining once.

Because every time I returned, Felix would be there, healthy, working, and bright under the cameras. And every now and then, when he thought nobody was looking, his eyes would drift toward me just long enough to make sure I was still there. As if he still wasn’t completely convinced I hadn’t disappeared, as if he needed proof. And for some reason, being that proof made me happier than anything else.

The shoot finally wrapped up a little after ten in the evening. Honestly, I was more exhausted than Felix looked.

He had spent twelve hours posing beneath bright lights, changing outfits every thirty minutes, smiling for cameras, and repeating the same movements over and over again, yet somehow he still looked annoyingly perfect while I felt like I had been run over by a truck.

The moment he stepped into the van, however, he made one announcement. “I want steak.” Minho lightly groaned as I rubbed my eyes. Felix crossed his arms and repeated himself. “I want steak.”

“Most places are closed,” Minho replied.

“I don’t care.” Felix checked his nails like he really meant that he didn't care.

“We just finished a twelve-hour shoot.”

“I know.” Still checking nails.

“We have a call time at six tomorrow.”

“I know.” Still nails.

Minho stared at him and Felix stared back. I already knew who would win. Five minutes later, both Minho and I were desperately searching for steakhouses on our phones while Felix sat comfortably in the backseat drinking another matcha as if he wasn’t causing problems.

“This one is closed.” I said while scrolling to the list of closed restaurants.

"Closed. Closed. Closed. Private event. Closed.” Minho mumbled as if he looked ready to jump out of the moving vehicle.

Finally I found one. “There’s a steakhouse.” Both of them looked at me. “It’s open.”

Minho visibly relaxed as I continued reading. “It’s fifty-five minutes away tho, outside the city.” Minho promptly looked miserable again.

Felix, however, brightened. “Nice! Perfect!” The driver changed routes and nobody argued because arguing with Felix after a long workday was like arguing with the weather. Pointless.

About ten minutes into the drive, Felix suddenly looked up from his phone. “Minho.”

“Hm?”

“Go back to your hotel.” Felix smirked as the vehicle fell silent.

Minho blinked so fast. “Huh?”

“Stop the car.” Felix said as the driver looked nervous. Felix pointed toward the sidewalk. “Leave.”

Minho stared at him. “Leave?”

“Just take a taxi.” Felix offered a ridiculous suggestion. For several seconds nobody spoke.

Soon Minho slowly smiled and the smile wasn’t friendly. It was the smile of a man who had worked with Felix for years and was too tired to fight anymore. “Of course.” He sighed and shook his head. Then reached for the door. 

Before leaving, he looked directly at me. “You.” I pointed at myself and he rounded his eyes. “Yes, you.” His expression carried the exhaustion of a thousand lifetimes. “Good luck.” Shortly, he stepped out as the door closed.

And suddenly Felix and I were alone. Well, almost alone because the driver still existed unfortunately. I barely had time to process that thought before Felix moved.

One second he was sitting behind me. The next he was climbing to my seat and sat on me. “Felix—wait—” His hands grabbed my jacket while he kissed me, hands roaming around my entire torso.

Every thought disappeared as the entire day vanished. The jet lag, the exhaustion, the long flight, the missed calls. Everything was gone. So I kissed him back immediately.

There wasn’t any hesitation. I missed him so bad even though we had kissed earlier, this was different. So my tongue searched for him, after being apart for days, after seeing him cry earlier. Oh god. I realized how much I really had missed him and his small hands touching me. The kiss felt desperate in a way neither of us would ever admit out loud. Like we were making up for lost time and reassuring ourselves that the other person was actually here. Present and real and not some sort of hallucination.

I vaguely noticed the driver gripping the steering wheel with the determination of a man trying very hard to pretend nothing unusual was happening in the backseat. Poor guy.

Felix’s fingers slid into my hair as I pulled him closer. For a moment the city lights outside disappeared entirely. It was just him, just us.

He began grinding his hips as my cock felt the friction even if we're clothed. I started to get hard as I whimpered in his mouth. He sucked my lower lip hard, biting them off until it bled. I didn't mind, I never did. I held him by the waist and helped him glide on my cock.

My hands went inside his shirt, he's so smooth and so small. His warm body smelled so good as I soon kissed his jaw, then his neck. My tongue tasted heaven as he moaned. I wanted to mark him but I was not that greedy because he needed a clean skin for the shoot. So I just bit him slightly, which made him arch his back.

And before I could stop myself, the words slipped out. “I miss you.”

The silence afterward felt enormous as Felix froze. Completely stopped dry humping me as his eyes searched my face. For a second I thought I had made a terrible mistake because maybe I wasn’t supposed to say things like that. Maybe I had crossed a line. Maybe—

“Oh.” His voice was quiet. He cocked his head, one eyebrow lifted. “You think you’re my boyfriend now?”

Ouch. It hurt. I know where I should draw the line but still, it fucking hurt. I looked away and clamped my lips before apologizing again. “I’m sorry.” The words came automatically. The same words I always used whenever I felt like I had stepped somewhere I wasn’t allowed. “I’m sorry, sir.” I repeated. For liking you too much, for wanting too much, for forgetting I'm a nobody.

Felix stared at me for a moment. He suddenly laughed and that made his eyes disappear. “You idiot. Told you to call me by my name when we're alone.”

Before I could respond, he grabbed my face and kissed me again. But it felt slower, like the time was finally suspended to just this moment. His hands rested on my neck while both his thumbs caressed my jaw. Our tongues wrestled softly as I ached for it. It was so slow that I felt like my mind was going to burst.

His forehead rested against mine afterward. And for once, Felix looked strangely vulnerable like he was admitting something he normally kept hidden. “I miss you too, my ferret. I miss your stupid face.” He held my hand and intertwined with his.

My heart nearly stopped because Felix wasn’t someone who said things directly. He showed them through actions, through tantrums, ridiculous demands, through checking if I took my medicine, through crying when he thought I left. But hearing the words anyway felt different.

But at that moment, with his hand still holding mine and his head resting against my shoulder, the long flight suddenly felt worth it. Every second of it.

"I wanna have sex," he said out of the thin air as I questioned if he really said that because the steakhouse was now only fifteen minutes away.

Felix suddenly tapped the divider separating us from the driver. “Can we stop for a minute?”

The driver looked confused but nodded. A few moments later, the car pulled into a quiet parking lot overlooking the city as he left us but the engine remained running. The lights of New York shimmered in the distance like scattered stars fallen onto the earth. Neither of us moved as we watched the driver lit a cigarette before walking to we both didn't know.

Eventually, Felix squeezed my hand with his fingers still threaded through mine. I was so confused as to why he was smirking knowingly. Soon, he handed me a paper bag. "I asked Minho to buy this for me. I guess this suits you more."

It should've sounded sweet. Like a gift wrapped in a fancy paper bag. He let go of my hand so I can open the gift. I took the box and undid the ribbon. My jaw dropped the moment I opened it, it was a huge fucking dildo. Neon pink with protruding veins. It was twice as big as my own shaft.

"Wait—what's that?"

Felix started stripping his clothes as if everything was not a shocker. "You act like you haven't seen a dildo and didn't enjoy one in your ass." He adjusted the seat as its back was pushed to 45 degrees.

"It won't fit in my ass," I grimaced as I swallowed the lump in my throat.

"We'll never know. Prep yourself," Felix ordered as I unwillingly took off my pants. Felix pushed me to lay on my back as I spread my legs. "Go. What are you waiting for?"

Against all my will, I sucked on my fingers and soon inserted two up my ass. The opening was too tight, it had been a week when we had sex. As I closed my eyes, I felt Felix's hand caressing my already growing shaft. Trying hard to loosen myself so the dildo won't hurt, I heard Felix tsk'ed himself. But as usual, Felix was impatient like that. So he poured lube (it was included in the paper bag) onto the dildo, removed my hand and smirked. He shoved it inside me without a warning.

My eyes rolled over as I writhed, my body was repulsing the sudden intrusion. "Hngggg—!!!"

I continued twisting my body but Felix mercilessly shoved the whole thing, my rim felt like tearing. It was seriously painful, I cried pitifully as I begged, "too big... Ahhh—"

"Good." Felix's smug face burned through my eyes as he looked satisfied with my tears. He fucked my hole using that dildo in fast pace, making my body tremble. With every insert, a huge bulge poked from inside of my stomach.

I shook my head as my face went full red. "Ahhhh—Wait! I'm too full—"

"Do I look like I care?" Felix's amused voice got me so hard. I didn't understand my body but whenever Felix tried to fuck me with things and control the entire scene, it made me want to surrender, making me so so hard. My cock was now pulsing, precum leaking.

Again and again, the lie between my throat escaped. "Stop—please..." But my traitor dick continued pouring transparent liquid. 

I was already losing my mind as it continued to hit my prostate, sending tingles down my spine but suddenly, Felix took the dildo away. Leaving a hollow gap inside me. Eventually, he affixed it to the car's door beside me. "Oh, it sticks?"

Confused, I just watched Felix examine the grip of the dildo's suction. When he looked pleased, he looked at me again and crunched his nose. "Now, fuck yourself."

What can I do? Do I even have a choice? None. So there I was, like his personal slut, kneeling on the car seat and positioning myself to get fucked by a stupid dildo. Slowly, my hole had consumed it. The thick girth made my anal ring prickle.

"Felix— Ohhh, shit..." I breathed with my crumpled face.

He leaned and cupped cheek, blond tendrils falling lovely down to his face. "You look so hot like that," his hand traversed from my jaw down to my chest as he palmed my chest. I moaned as he kissed me. Our tongues fought once more. I almost forgot that we were in public as I moaned through the kiss. 

Oh god, Felix tasted divine. When I closed my eyes, I felt like I was in a forbidden paradise. I'm fucking myself with a plastic sex toy while Felix sunk his teeth, whimpering as well. There he was, three fingers deep as he was fucking himself with his own digits. He was moaning as loud as I am as we both devoured each other's mouth.

Felix held me back by my jaw and whispered hoarsely, "Shit—Fuck me too with that thing's fucking you, Hyunjin."

"What?" My head couldn't comprehend what Felix wanted because that huge thing was already filling every crevice inside my ass. Turning my brain to a complete soup.

So Felix didn't wait, he angrily pushed my shoulder and just shrunk himself under me. His own perky ass lifting closer to my aching cock. He circled his hands on my member and gave me several pumps before he teased his hole with the tip. 

Oh. How I loved it when he was just as desperate. He was breathing so audibly that it sounded like he was on the verge. The bullets of sweat on my skin dripped to his bare sexy back as he arched. He slowly pushed himself, looking at me over his shoulders. I felt like time was suspended as I despised myself for wanting this very moment etched into my heart. His hole was welcoming me like a lovely host. He was so soft inside, so warm, so delicious.

He slammed himself. "Oh my god, Hyunjin!!!!" Felix screeched as he moved his hips back and forth, screaming on top of his lungs. His hands grabbed my arms which were already feeling numb. I mimicked his phasing as I continued to meet him halfway. Our skin slapped each other, as I gave him wet kisses on his nape. I grabbed him by the shoulders and pulled him forcefully. "Aaaahhh!!! You're so hard, fuck!!! Fuck me!!! Fuck me!!!"

And if that moment was insane for Felix, imagine how I felt. I had my ass fucked by a massive dildo, hitting all the right places while my dick was also swallowed by the person I had always fantasized. If this isn't how heaven felt like, I don't know what is.

The entire car couldn't handle our hot bodies as it fogged, blurring everything. I fucked Felix with my nails digging deep on the side of his waists as we both whimpered to the void. Sweat and tears soon collided as we yelled our names as loud as we could.

Felix's body under me soon started quivering violently as he stroked himself. "Hyunjin!!! I'm almost there—hnggggng—" Felix whined as he continued moving his hips back and forth.

I felt like I'm going to burst too but I want Felix on top of me, I want to see his face when I cum. Fuck! I didn't care about the dildo as I abandoned it. I growled when my ass gape but I didn't mind. My strong arms flipped him as I shifted our position. Even if Felix was protesting, I tried to widen his legs apart above me. "Yah! I want that chu-chu train position! Why are you changing—"

And he never got to finish because this time, I shoved my huge shaft inside him by pulling him down without a second thought. All he could do was shriek, hands tugging my hair. "Fuck!!! Anggggghhhhh— my tummy!"

I rammed Felix upward like a madman. This was definitely how porn was done, right? I crossed the line and didn't want to go back. I fucked him fast as he drooled, eyes almost colliding in the middle. He was far gone. I took the moment as I thrust and thrust until Felix was bouncing on me. "Felix, ride me please… Hmmm—" I begged. I always begged. 

He did, surprisingly. Matching my phase and bouncing on me. His hips glided as his mouth found mine like a magnet. Biting my lower lip until it bled again from his previous bite. It was painful and harsh, like all his anger was pooled to that one bite. I tasted blood, the metallic tang made me dizzy but this was everything I wished for. Oh, God. I was exactly where I wanted to be.

"Why did you remove that dildo in your ass?" Felix grunted while still sliding my shaft in and out of his wet hole. "You're acting like a dominant now, huh?"

I just shook my head. Believe it or not, I tried to look like a sub, like I want to give up all my life for him. 

And my hands moved unconsciously and appreciated Felix's abs. My fingers reached for it, those solid rock abdomen made my inside twist again. I caressed them as I succumbed to Felix's chest, kissing and biting his nipple. His freckles scattered through his body tasted like the flowers I drew and the stars I gazed at. I like you so much. Everything about him was nothing but everything I dreamed of.

But still, I want more. I want to rearrange Felix's insides like how that dildo fucking sent me to the thin line of heaven and hell. With my member still inside Felix's ass, I changed our position again to missionary. The position I had always liked. The position where I could take control in the guise of memorizing his pretty face and body, all at the same time.

I began thrusting hard, the tip of my cock touching the end of Felix's space. I smirked the moment Felix threw his head back. I knew I was hitting that junction when Felix finally made an ear splitting scream. "Ahhh!!! Yes! Go hard on me Hyunjin!!! Fuck me harder!!! Ah—Ah—Hnggggg—I'm cumming!!!'

My hand soon grabbed Felix's dick and helped him with the release. I stroked it fast while still fucking him senseless. His juices soon squirted against my chest as he visibly lost strength. His body twitched several times as his cum emptied. On the other hand, I still pounded Felix for my own pleasure.

"Hngggg—I love you, Felix," My voice was raspy and sultry. Grunting while chasing my final hard thrusts. My thick white cum was filling Felix’s insides as it dripped off his hole while I was still moving my hips, hands lacing Felix’s and suspending him from moving. “Shit—I love you… I love you…” I sounded desperate while catching my breath. I knew, I sounded pathetic. I hope I did.

When my body stopped shaking, I collapsed over him. My arms soon embraced this beautiful blond. Our sticky bodies finally stilled for a moment. With a trembling voice, I buried my face deeper into the crook of his neck, as though hiding there could somehow lessen the shame in my chest, as though if I held him tightly enough the world would forget that I had no right to feel this way.

"Please…" I whispered, my lips barely moving against his skin. "I don't know when this will end, I don't know when you will throw me like a used toy, so let me have you like this for a little longer." My arms tightened around him. "I'm sorry for loving you this much. I know I don't deserve to. I know I don't have the right. I'm sorry for forgetting my place and for forgetting I owe you my life. I know I did things against you and I will forever remember that until it haunts my last days. Still, sorry for shamelessly loving you. I can't stop myself. I really didn't mean to..."

It wasn't the kind of confession people made in movies. There was no hope in it and I wasn't expecting anything. Just the quiet grief of carrying something too precious in my hands that were never meant to hold it.

Felix scoffed, sounding offended. He pulled back and pushed me just enough to see my face, and that was when the tear I'd been desperately trying to hold in finally escaped. It slid down my cheek and landed on his flushed skin. For a moment, Felix simply stared. His eyes dropped to the tiny trail of water resting on his cheek, almost as if he couldn't understand why I was crying. As if he couldn't understand why I was apologizing.

For some reason, his face softened, painfully so. His thumb brushed beneath my eye, wiping away the tears I didn't know how to stop. "Idiot."

Before I could apologize again, he pulled me back into his arms firmly and possessively. He positioned my head against his chest, right above his heart. As if he wanted me to hear it desperately. As if there were things he didn't know how to say, things he couldn't put into words, and the only thing he could offer me was the frantic beating beneath his ribs.

His heartbeat was still too fast, still uneven. Felix let out a shaky sigh as his hand patted my head. Then his fingers slipped into my hair, absentmindedly playing with the strands the way he always did when he thought too much.

"You know… You're my idiot, Hyunjin. My ferret. You're mine." he murmured gently while his fingers continued combing through my hair. "You are allowed to love me."

A bitter smile tugged at my lips. Allowed. I was allowed but not chosen. And perhaps that should have broken me but I was greedy. Greedy enough to treasure even scraps and to treat permission as though it were salvation.

"Just… Don't turn your location off again. You scared the shit out of me—I really thought you left too." His voice cracked slightly, sounding a little hesitant. "Hyunjin… promise me one thing. That whatever happens, you'll stay by my side. Holding me like this." His hand paused in my hair and his heartbeat trembled beneath my ear. "Always… and forever."

I smiled through tears because the person holding me spoke about eternity with the desperation of someone trying to bargain with time itself. And maybe that was love too. I was delusional like that. So I nodded against his chest, hugged him tighter, and grinned like a fool despite the tears still clinging to my lashes. "I promise... I'm forever yours."

And neither of us said the words that mattered most. Because perhaps some loves were too frightened to call themselves love.

>FIN<