Chapter Text
Wu Suowei looked at Chi Cheng, hoping, praying for a reaction, for denial.
Chi Cheng was still on his knees, tears slowly dripping onto his shirt. When he started to speak, Wu Suowei felt a physical clench in his heart with the pain he could hear in his voice It took everything to not embrace the crying man and kiss his tears away.
“Weiwei… I really would never do that to you, I only saw him- and Guo Chengyu together once, and the other nights I was busy- I can’t tell you why yet, but I swear, I would never do anything that harmed you, baobei,” Chi Cheng gasped softly as he clung onto Wu Suowei’s knees.
Wu Suowei felt his knees buckle and he sank down, unable to bear it anymore. Direct eye contact with Chi Cheng almost broke his resolve.
Chi Cheng swallowed loudly, his voice coarse with raw emotion. “I can’t- I’m an idiot for making you feel like this, when you mean everything to me, Weiwei.” He looked into Wu Suowei’s tearful eyes, hands coming up to cup the smaller man’s cheeks. “I know I just keep messing it-us up, and I know you’re feeling confused, and scared, but I promise, I wouldn’t touch anyone else.” He choked out.
Swallowing audibly, his voice quiet with resolve and devotion, he breathed out the last few words. “You’re…the only person I trust with everything. You’re it for me. Only you, Weiwei.”
Wu Suowei felt like his breath had been punched out from him. He could see the love in his eyes, not guilt, or desperation but something raw, something real.
Still, that small voice in him that said he would never be good enough for anyone whispered What if it was just infatuation and not true love? What if you’re just the second choice?
His chest tightened, and he looked away to the side, to the pictures of them smiling.
He breathed out. “I really want to believe you,” he said quietly. “More than anything. It just…hurts.”
Chi Cheng brushed a tear from the corner of his eyes, his thumb lingering on the teardrop mole by Wu Suowei’s eyes.
Chi Cheng exhaled heavily. The pain in Wu Suowei’s voice was so raw, so tangible he could almost taste it. He felt sick knowing that he was the cause and reason for this pain.
And yet, the small, selfish and twisted part of him felt secretly pleased. He mattered that much to Wu Suowei. It meant Wu Suowei cared. That he loved him.
There was so much he wanted to tell Wu Suowei. So many secrets, overwhelming feelings of guilt and the sense that he might never be worthy of Wu Suowei.
“I don’t know if we can ever unpick everything in our relationship,” he started. “I know I’ve hurt you, forced your hand when I shouldn’t have, things I should have said, should have done but I didn’t. I don’t even have a good excuse as to why I acted- why I act like this. I know I’m selfish. Cruel. I only know how to take what I want.”
He shakily ran his hand through his hair, trying to calm himself. He rarely let emotion control him like this, since he preferred holding all the power in his past relationships.
Wu Suowei hadn’t said a word, but a hitch in his breath and the way his eyes had widened gave Chi Cheng the courage to continue.
“I know I’ve hurt you countless times. I probably will hurt you again in the future. And I know I’ve made you feel like you weren’t enough when, God, I’m the one who doesn’t deserve you. Since I’ve met you, I don’t think I’ve been able to stop thinking about you. I’ve been yours since you threw those sugar figurines at me.” Wu Suowei’s lips twitched, but it was more than enough.
Chi Cheng reached for Wu Suowei’s hands as gently as he could, slowly rubbing circles in the divot between his thumb. Wu Suowei’s fingers trembled, but he didn’t pull away.
Chi Cheng knew that they were standing at the cusp of something fragile in their relationship. One wrong move and they would shatter beyond repair.
He pulled Wu Suowei in closer, so his head was just under his chin. “I’m not asking for you to forgive me. I don’t want you to forget any of the hurt I’ve made you feel. I just…want to be better for once. For you. You’re the only one who’s made me want to be a better man.”
He felt his shirt get wet and he tried to lean back so he could see Wu Suowei’s face, but Wu Suowei only burrowed in closer. “You’re so- you’re so fucking frustrating,” he muttered, muffled against his chest. “Just when I was ready to pack up and leave, you just have to show up and say all the right things.”
Chi Cheng smiled softly. “I know I can’t fix everything now. But let me show you just how much you mean to me.”
Wu Suowei didn’t reply straight away. He stayed tucked into Chi Cheng’s chest, the thundering heartbeat acting like a tether telling him this was real. He had Chi Cheng’s shirt crumpled in his hands like a lifeline, desperately holding onto the last of them.
“I hate you… I hate you and I hate myself for wanting you even when I don’t trust you.” He chuckled bitterly, a wet, desperate sound.
“I think I’ll always want you, even if you don’t want me. Even if you break me or leave me behind…you’ve carved yourself into my soul, into every part of me.”
He looked up slowly to meet Chi Cheng’s gaze. “If I let you in tonight,” he pleaded, “I don’t want to wake up to more lies and excuses in the morning. I want every tonight and every tomorrow. Not just your body and promises in our bed, I want the truth. I want you to choose me when it’s hard, when it’s boring, when I’m being a brat. I want you to stay.”