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Mulder paced the Gunmen’s den like a restless lion. He had messed up and he didn’t know how to fix it.
“Mulder, will you sit down!” Frohike barked.
“Yeah, you’re driving me crazy,” Langley added. “Maybe she just needs space.”
Mulder slumped in a chair near Buyers, causing a large monitor nearby to shake from the force. “Careful!” Byers said.
“Maybe I should call her,” Mulder whined.
“No!” all three Gunmen shouted at once.
“What did you do to piss Scully off?” Langley asked.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” Mulder replied.
“Oh, it must be bad,” Frohike said. “You didn’t kiss another woman, did you? Because I swear to you, I will kick your ass if I find out you did something like that!”
“No! I would never!” he said with indignation. “It’s nothing like that. I adore Scully. No one else compares.”
“You’re damn right!” Frohike scolded. “And don’t you forget it!”
“So you’re just going to sit here all night and mope?” Langley said.
But Mulder’s only reply was a shrug.
Byers looked up from his computer. He cleared his throat. “It would help us to know what happened so that we can advise you on what to do.”
“I…” Mulder started, “It’s not something I think I can discuss with you.”
Byers sigh. Frohike grumbled. Langley groaned.
“Jesus, Mulder, what’d you do? Steal a pair of her favorite underwear for nefarious purposes?” Langley joked.
Mulder averted his eyes, looking at his feet. How could he explain to his friends what he had done? Scully’s pretty little panties were sticking out a slightly open drawer. They were so difficult to resist. So small and smooth and shiny.
“Mulder?” Byers questioned when Mulder wouldn’t meet Langley’s eyes. “What happened?”
Mulder scratched his head and looked at his watch, wondering if maybe he should call Scully to try and work this all out. Surely the guys could help him through this.
“What the hell?” Frohike boomed. “You don’t mess with a lady’s undergarments!”
“Are you… selling her panties online?” Byers narrowed his eyes in accusation.
“It’s not like that!” Mulder said.
His three friends eyes’ were on him, seeking answers. He was the one who had come to them, after all. It’s natural that they would be curious. They had helped him in the past, they’d help him now.
Mulder took a deep breath and began this story.
“I was home alone,” he began, “when I got an urge. It’s not that it had been a long time for us,” he clarified. “We have a very active sex life, but, you know…”
“Boredom?” Frohike asked.
“Right,” Mulder said. “So I went to the bedroom, popped in a VHS into our TV/VCR…”
“You’re welcome, by the way!” Langley said. “Those are hard to find these days!”
Mulder nodded his thanks and continued. “So I was watching a video and…”
“No need to get too graphic,” Byers said.
“And I see a pair of Scully’s underwear sticking out of a drawer. Now she is meticulous. Never leaves drawers open.. But there they were, these beautiful soft, black underwear. So I pick them up, rub them in my hands. They felt so good!” His voice sounds almost pained with pleasure.
“You okay? Do you need a minute?” Frohike gave him a curious look.
“No,” Mulder shook his head. “I’m okay.”
“So, you find these uh… um…” Byers cleared his throat, “pair of underwear. And then?”
“Mulder, you sure you didn’t get these from her laundry and sell them online?” Langley asked directly, staring him down over the rim of his glasses.
“Langley! I’m sure!” Mulder protested.
“What happened next?” Byers asked gently.
“What do you think, nimrods? He jerked off in the pretty panties!” Frohike boomed.
The other two Gunmen’s eyes went wide as Mulder buried his face in his hands, shame burning his cheeks. For the first time since his arrival, he wondered if coming to his friends’ liar was the right choice.
“But that is not an… um… uncommon activity for… people,” Byers ventured.
“Yeah, people do it all the time. What’s the big deal if you’re not selling her dirty undies online?” Langley said.
“What gives, Mulder?” Frohike said.
Mulder looked up at a jury of his weirdest peers. He scratched his head sheepishly. “Well, no, this is not uncommon in relationships, or even for us,” he clarified. “God, Scully’s going to kill me if she finds out I’m telling you guys this. Don’t breathe a word!” He made them promise.
“It turns out that those were no regular pair of underwear. They were $400.”
“You nutted in a pair of $400 panties?” Langley exclaimed. “I don’t know if I should be proud or disgusted.”
“She kicked you out for that?” Byers asked.
“I wouldn’t say kicked out, but she’s pretty upset. But how was I supposed to know? Mulder cried. “There was no sign, they weren’t in a special drawer. They were just sitting there, all soft and sexy and waiting to be touched.”
“Mulder!” Frohike said. “Snap out of it!”
“Sorry,” Mulder said, shaking his head.
“Were you able to get them clean?” Byers asked.
“I don’t know. Scully came home, found out what had happened, kind of yelled at me, and I came here.”
“The answer is clear!” Byers declared.
“It is?” Mulder asked.
“Yes, you doofus!” Langley yelled.
Mulder looked at his three friends questioningly. If the answer was so clear, why didn’t he see it? He wanted to go home to a happy Scully. Any advice they had to offer, he would take.
On his blank stare, Frohike said, “Buy her a new pair!”
“Yes!” Langley said. “Take her out, let her pick out whatever pair she wants. Make a date of it.”
“Buy two pairs!” Byers suggested. “One for… um… fun,” he cleared his throat, “and one for her to wear.”
“Boys,” Mulder exclaimed, “you’re freaking geniuses!”