Chapter Text
2 days later.
It was quiet in the hospital today.
For the past few days Pidge had been visiting, it had been completely chaotic. This is due to the incident that occurred on Sunday night. Many people required assistance, rest, and other requirements. Just like James.
James had been shot in both the shoulder and his stomach on that night, quickly rushed to the hospital. And somehow, he managed to survive. Pidge had no clue as to how doctors did their job, but she was so thankful to know that James was okay. He had been eating jello and sipping orange juice while playing video games like he wasn’t at all shot. Pidge definitely concluded that he was going to be okay.
Pidge readjusted the strap of her shoulder bag and followed the nurse to James' room. The nurse then came to a halt, pointing to James’ room, and Pidge thanked her despite the fact that she was well aware of its whereabouts.
When she walked in, Kinkade was by James' side, as predicted. As James' best friend, he was undoubtedly going to be there for him. Kinkade was sitting on a chair next to James' bed, holding hands as if they were preparing to compete in an arm wrestling competition. However, that’s not what they were doing. They were simply holding hands for comfort, like they previously had a deep and serious conversation.
When Kinkade noticed Pidge walk in, he let go of James’ hand and stood to his feet. James then looks over, realising he had another daily visitor. He smiled, and so did Pidge.
Before Kinkade left, of course, he and Pidge exchanged hugs, said their goodbyes, and then it was just Pidge and James. Pidge walks over, sitting on the chair next to James’ bed, smiling as she pulls off her shoulder bag and starts pulling items out of it.
“You getting bored yet?” Pidge asked, handing James some apple juice. Switching it up for a change.
“I’m kicking Killbot Phantasm 26 in the ass,” James grins. “Not even close to bored yet.”
Pidge hums. “Guess you won’t be wanting the movies I brought you then, would you?”
“Depends on the movies.”
Pidge digs into her bag, till she’s pulling out all thirteen of the halloween movies. She chucks them on his bed, which he’s already picking up and admiring with gratitude. Pidge knew he would be happy with this.
James smiles. “Just so you know, I’m going to finish these all in like two days.”
“Better get started and enjoy yourself then.” Pidge smiles.
James continues to look through all thirteen dvd’s as he makes sure he’s got them all, and then he looks back at Pidge. “Where did you get them all?” He decided to ask.
And Pidge answers this with, “Well, when you’ve got a horror movie obsessed brother, he’s gotta have all thirteen halloween movies hiding around somewhere.”
James gives a soft, sad smile at that one. The mention of Matt, who was no longer alive, was still a very sad notion to have. Still, it made James feel somewhat happy and trusted to know Pidge was allowing him borrow her brother's dvd’s. Some would say it was difficult to get Pidge to like people, owing to her trust issues, and James could confirm that to be true. She was a difficult person to earn trust from. However, once you had her trust, she was the most caring girl in the world.
It was silent for a moment, till James decided to speak. “Want to watch the first movie?” He offers, holding up the first halloween movie.
“I’d like that,” Pidge says. “But maybe another time. I have somewhere to be in a moment.”
“That’s okay,” James says. “Where are you going?”
Pidge rubs her arm. “I just have to pick up a few things.” She says.
James noticed the way she rubbed her arm. She was anxious about something. She probably wasn’t ready to talk about where she was going. And that was okay with James. He knew she would come around sooner or later. She just needed time.
…
“And I think that’s everything.” Says Rizavi as she hands the cardboard box to Pidge.
Pidge takes the box. “Thanks, Rizavi,” she says. “You’re a true help.”
Pidge was at the movie store, right where Rizavi worked, right along with Matt before his passing. It was late in the afternoon, right when Rizavi would start to lock up. However, after everyone was gone, and she had done her closing up duties, there was still one more thing she needed to do for Pidge.
There was still some stuff in the store owned by Matt, which Rizavi had packed up into a large cardboard box for Pidge to take back home. The objects in the box were merely photos, books and a few jackets he would always tend to leave at work. Pidge knew they couldn’t be kept lying around in the movie store anymore, therefore, here she was.
When Pidge took the box containing Matt’s possessions, it was a tad heavy, but she managed to hold onto it. She was ready to leave now. She said another thank you, Rizavi reminded Pidge she was always free to talk if necessary, and just as Pidge was about to leave,
“Oh, Pidge, wait a second!” Rizavi says, forcing Pidge to turn around.
“Yeah?” She raises a brow.
“I forgot to give you this.”
Pidge gives a questioning look as Rizavi pulls an item from her jackets pocket. When she pulled it out, she held it out in front of Pidge, which she took. After some inspecting, Pidge realised it was a video tape.
Pidge looks back at Rizavi. “What is this?” She asked, confused.
“Read the front.” She says.
Pidge turned over the footage, looking at the front. It had a piece of masking tape on it, something written on it with black marker. Pidge’s heart stopped for a quick second when she read over the words.
‘Matt’s eyes only’, it read. Something that Pidge hadn’t quite expected.
There was a long pause. Pidge found herself staring for quite a while, and Rizavi merely stood there, understanding that Pidge was trying to process what this meant. What was this? What was on this piece of footage? And why did it worry her so much?
Breaking the silence was Rizavi. “There’s a tape drive in the staff only room,” she says. “You’re free to use it now or whenever you’re ready. Just let me know. No rush.”
Pidge fiddled with the tape. She was thinking. She had many options, yet she didn’t know which one to go with. She didn’t know what was on this piece of footage, but whatever it was, it had to be important and private, owing to what was written on it. However, it could have been private for a very important cause that Pidge was not supposed to know. What if Matt never wanted Pidge to find this? What if seeing this meant going beyond Matt's boundaries? Pidge didn’t want to do that to her brother.
But still, there was a part of her telling her she needed to watch it. A part of her told her that watching this meant understanding her brother more than she thought she already did. But again, there was still that anxious feeling that kept holding her back.
Pidge took a breath, reading over the three words again. ‘Matt’s eyes only’. She knew what she needed to do.
After a long pause, Pidge looked back at Rizavi, saying, “Mind showing me where the tape drive is?”
After this was asked, Rizavi of course took her to the room in the back, showing her where the tape drive was and how it worked. And then, once Pidge understood everything she was told, Rizavi left the room, shutting the door behind her, leaving Pidge all alone to watch this video.
Pidge was nervous, that she could admit. She kept finding herself fiddling with the tape rather than actually putting it into the tape drive. She just needed some time is all. She was still anxious to know what this footage contained.
Finally, Pidge decided that it was time. She looked over the words one last time, put the footage into the tape drive, turned the TV on, leant back in her chair, and waited nervously. She was fiddling with her fingers as she eyed the dotted screen. She knew something was soon to appear.
And then, finally, the TV screen shifted.
The screen lit up with a well known location. The image showed Matt sitting in this very room, exactly where Pidge was sitting. Already, Pidge could tell this video was made a few years ago. Matt looked around sixteen years old, as he was wearing his glasses rather than contacts, and his hair looked like Pidge’s. Short and messy, and not at all long like he previously had it.
When Matt realised it was recording, he said an awkward “Hi.” as he readjusted his glasses. “Uh, I don’t know who’s watching this right now–probably no one. But I thought I’d just say hi, for anyone who might need it. I don’t know how my future self is going. Maybe better, maybe worse than I’m already feeling. I’m hoping for better.”
Pidge shifted uneasily, continuing to watch.
“I’ve been working here at the movie store for about..” Matt pauses, using his fingers as he counts beneath his breath. “Six months now. About half a year. I’m here because for one, I needed a job. And two, I’ve kind of always had a thing for movies. Horror, if we’re being exact. I work with this girl. Her name is Rizavi. She’s worked here a lot longer than me, but she’s taught me well, and she’s super cool. She’s in a few of my classes at school. And she’s more into action movies.”
Pidge quickly picked up on the fact that Matt was introducing himself for some unknown reason. She was confused, but she kept watching.
“Um, so my name is Matt. Matthew Holt. I’m sixteen years old, still attend high school, and I have some pretty cool friends. We don’t all have the same interests, but they’re all still amazing. Then there’s my mom, my dad, my dog Bae Bae, and my sister, Pidge. Well, her name is not actually Pidge; it’s Katie. Pidge is just a nickname I gave her. Pidge is my best friend. She’s seriously amazing.”
Pidge took a silent breath at that. She knew at some point she would start crying.
Matt rubbed the back of his neck. “Uh, I’m not sure what else to say,” he chuckles awkwardly. “My day so far; mainly kind people, and very few assholes. They’re easy to deal with. My physical health? Pretty average. My mental health? Eh, not so much. Something I’m working on. But I guess that’s all I really need to say for now. I’ll probably be back whenever I have time or whenever I feel like it. However, whenever, I’ll see you again soon.”
Suddenly, the video paused until it played out a new scene. Of course, the location was still the same staff room, and Matt still looked around sixteen in this video. However, he looked more happy; more energised than he looked in the first clip. This was probably because he was waving around the yellow L plates in front of the camera.
“Guess who got their L’s,” Matt says excitedly. “I smashed that test like it was the easiest thing in the world. Mom and dad are so happy, and Pidge is begging me to drive her around to fast food restaurants. I think she’s forgetting I need an adult in the front with me, and I don’t have the money to feed three people happy meals.”
Pidge gave a small giggle at that. She remembered that day. She would’ve been around twelve years old during then. Still in middle school.
Matt sighs loudly, leaning back in his chair. “Things are going so well for me right now. I got my driver's licence, I’m doing good at school, perfect grades. Everythings great,” he says. However, his demeanour slowly shifts. “So why do I keep thinking something is soon to go wrong?”
Pidge squints. What did he mean?
He sighs. “There’s always something that goes wrong..” And again, the TV screen shifts, setting to a new date, same location, with Matt yet again.
Matt looked a year older in this video. Seventeen years old, he appeared. He wasn’t wearing the glasses anymore, and his hair was still the same length as it was when he was sixteen. He looked exactly like Pidge, just without the glasses.
“Hi,” Matt waves. “Notice anything different? I’m not wearing glasses. Mom said I was finally allowed to wear contacts, and I couldn’t be happier. No glasses make me look so much cooler, right?”
Pidge rolls her eyes, smiling.
“I gave my glasses to Pidge. Lately she’s been having trouble with her eyesight, and now that I have contacts, she can wear mine. She seemed really happy when I gave them to her.”
At that mention, Pidge adjusted her own glasses. These were the glasses that used to be worn by Matt until he gave them to her. Her smile fades a tad.
“It feels so much better without the glasses now,” he continues. “Maybe the kids at school will like it better. I mean, even in middle school it was always ‘four eyes’ or ‘nerd’, and now they’ve just stuck to ‘nerd’. Like, I’m sorry that I’m merely just better at most subjects and you’re not. But still, the lack of popularity and acknowledgement I get just makes me tired. It’s like, I try so hard only for the outcome to be nothing. All I want is some acknowledgement. I don’t even think I’m asking for too much here. Just a little bit of respect once in a while would be nice.”
Pidge’s expression shifts, and so does the TV screen. Again, same location, same room, and a seventeen year old Matt is sitting there.
“Hey, again,” Matt says. “Pidge started high school today. You wouldn’t believe how scared I was for her. But everything went so well, and she absolutely loved it. She said her favourite part about it was the science rooms. She’s always been into chemistry, astrology and so on. She takes after the cool one in the Holt family.”
Matt points to himself as he says this, causing another smile from Pidge. He then continues.
“She made a few friends as well. There’s this guy named Hunk. He was helping the new juniors for the whole day, and he and Pidge ended up getting along so well that they’re practically inseparable right now. I already know they're gonna be best friends.”
Pidge furrows her brows, and her eyes slowly start to sting. The mention of her best friend; how she missed him. She missed Hunk so much.
“She met my friend, Veronica, who she then introduced to her younger brother Lance. Pidge and he also got along as well. Pidge told me she really liked Hunk and Lance, and she couldn’t wait to see them again tomorrow. I’m so glad she’s making friends already,” Matt then sighs, pausing and expression softening. “She makes it seem so easy.”
Pidge frowns.
“But who am I to complain?” he scoffs. “It’s my fault I can’t make friends. I’m unlikeable, I’m awkward, and I’m weird. Pidge is cool. She’s amazing and people like her. People don’t like me. And that’s probably because I try too hard. No one likes a try hard.”
Again, the TV screen shifted. Pidge was confused, worried and curious for the rest of the tape. Slowly things were beginning to make more sense. However, part of her was still perplexed.
In this new clip, Matt’s hair was a bit longer. Not to the point he could actually tie it up in his signature ponytail, but it was slowly getting to that point. He was still around seventeen in this clip, and he looked sad. He looked so sad.
First he started off by saying, “My eighteenth birthday is tomorrow,” his voice was sad. “Usually I’d get excited for this sort of occasion, but this year it’s not going to be the same. ‘Wow, finally eighteen, how does it feel to be an adult?’”
There was a pause. A very long pause. And then,
“Scary,” Matt admits. “So scary to the point no one understands how scared I am. I still don’t know what I’m going to do with my life, and everyone keeps asking. They keep reminding me that all young adults my age know what they’re going to do, and still, I don’t. I feel rushed and pressured and scared, and I just–” he pauses, sighing. “I just feel so empty of any sort of passion. Like there is nothing out there that can make me feel like a happy working living man.”
The TV screen shifted once more. Same room, same location, and the same sad looking Matt. He had his cheek resting on his hand, his elbow on the table, and he wasn’t looking at the camera. Still, Pidge could see his depressed expression.
“It’s my birthday,” he mutters. “I’m eighteen now. And maybe today could’ve been so much better if it weren’t for dad and his stupid fucking job.”
Pidge shifted uneasily. She remembered that day. She already knew what was about to be told.
Matt sighs. “Dad already knows I’m struggling with figuring out my future. Least he could’ve done was be there for me today. I love my dad, truly, but choosing work over his own son made me love him a bit less, and I hate that it has to be said. I mean all I got from him was a text message.”
He pulls out his cellphone as he says this, reading over the message with a sad expression before he speaks aloud.
“‘Happy birthday, Matt. Sorry I couldn’t be there,’” he reads out the message. “That’s what I call a good father figure right there.”
Pidge frowns. She didn’t like this.
“Mom is madder at him than me,” Matt says. “Both me and PIdge heard her earlier on the phone in the living room downstairs, yelling and screaming at him that he needs to pay attention to his now eighteen year old son. She even told him that he did a bad job at being the role model he needed to be for his only two kids.”
Matt then leans back in his chair, loudly sighing. Pidge could see the pain in his eyes. His whole expression looked completely blue.
“Dad has been working as a police officer for years now, but lately he’s been acting differently,” Matt says. “He's never home anymore, he’s choosing his job over his family, and he doesn’t make time for either mom or Pidge and I. And the worst thing about this situation is that it’s affecting mom so much. She’s sad, but it’s like she doesn’t want me to worry about her at all. It’s like she's trying to stay strong for us when she’s barely even holding on herself.”
Again, another sigh from Matt. And then, he finishes with,
“I just want things to go back to the way they were,” he mutters. “I want things to be easier again.”
The clip changed once more. In this new clip, Matt looked happier. He was smiling and blushing and seemed to be in a happy mood. Why was this?
As Matt rubbed the back of his neck, he says, “So, I met a girl today,” at which Pidge's expression softened. “She joined my science class, and she sat next to me. We were focusing on our main topic for this semester, the big bang theory, and I got bored, so I started drawing spacey sketches and she noticed them. She complimented them, and for the rest of that lesson all we did was talk. We even had lunch together.”
The day he met the first girl he liked. Pidge remembered that day. Matt didn’t end up hanging out with her and their friends for the second lunch, and that’s because he was with this girl. The girl with that odd nickname Matt had given her.
Matt leant back in his chair. “She’s amazing,” he sighs happily. “She is seriously the most awesome girl I’ve ever met. She’s into everything I’m into. Science, astrology, horror, sci-fi, technology– I’ve never met anyone like her. And she doesn’t think I’m weird. She hasn’t judged me at all for anything.”
Matt still had that pink and smiley expression. This proved how much he really liked this girl. He looked so happy just talking about her. And it just saddened Pidge to know how it ended with these two.
“I can’t wait to see her again,” Matt smiles. “I mean, there’s just something about her that makes me feel like I can actually be myself around her. And I just want to be around her again.”
The next clip Matt still looked happy. If anything, he looked even more happier than before.
“Me and N-7 hung out after school today,” Matt says. “Also, N-7 is a nickname we gave her. She hates her real name, and when I suggested it, she loved it. She loved it so much that this is how she introduces herself to new people now. I think she may have past issues with her real name, and I don’t think I should be the one to guess and make assumptions. When the time is right and she’s comfortable enough to tell me, I’ll be waiting.”
Then there was the next clip.
“I got the courage to ask N-7 out today,” Matt blushes. “She said yes. We’re going on a date after my shift. I got the whole scene planned out. I’m closing up work today, so the idea was that we have a little movie date right in here. We’ll have a million movies to choose from, popcorn, snacks, drinks, blankets. It’s gonna be perfect.”
Matt sighs happily as he says this, looking off into something else like he was imagining the date right now. Those eyes said it all.
He was head over heels in love with this girl.
The clip changed again. Matt looked even happier.
He starts off by saying, “She’s my girlfriend!” in an excited tone. “She’s finally my girlfriend!”
Pidge smiles sadly at this. Seeing him this happy, seeing him so in love; it broke Pidge’s heart to know how it ended with them.
Matt leans back in his chair. “The date went so well,” he sighs happily. “We ended up watching ‘Friday the 13th’, we were half way through the movie and she got so close. She got so close to me that our arms were touching and we were practically cuddling at that point. I thought she was getting bored of the movie when she started shifting about and looking at me. But she leaned in and..” he took a pause. He was smiling, cheeks going pink. “And it was like I was seeing sparks..”
Pidge thought she was going to cry when he said that. This was breaking her poor little heart.
After the pause, Matt continues. “I’ve never felt like this about anyone before,” he says. “Fuck, I’ve actually never felt this way about anyone at all. I’ve never experienced love, and now, I think it’s finally happening. I think… I think she may be the one.”
For the next few clips, it was just Matt rambling on about how much he loved her. He would ramble on about their dates, their first ‘I love you’, the first time they made love which Pidge had to skip, until eventually, the topic changed back to a sad one.
In this new clip, Matt looked sad again. He was leaning back in his chair, fiddling with his fingers, and he looked like he was on the verge of crying. The shiny eyes and sad expression spoke it all.
He started off by saying, “The arguing between mom and dad has gotten worse,” he mutters. “I think they’re getting a divorce.”
Pidge’s face scrunches uncomfortably.
“Me and Pidge heard mom and dad talking downstairs earlier. Mom sounded like she was crying, dad sounded mad, and when I heard the ‘d’ word, I knew they were done from there.”
Matt lifts his feet onto the chair, pulling his knees to his chest and hugging his legs. He let out a loud dejected sigh afterwards.
“I don’t know what’s gonna happen,” he mutters sadly. “Are we gonna live with mom? Are we gonna live with dad? Or will it be like when one parent takes one child and the other takes the other. What if I won’t be able to see Pidge because she has to move away with either mom or dad? I don’t know… All I do know is that I can’t live without her. She’s my sister… my best friend.”
Pidge’s eyes start to sting. ‘I can’t live without her’, Matt said. ‘She’s my sister. My best friend.’ All Pidge could think to herself right now: ‘I can’t live without you either, Matt’. It was true. Pidge was barely hanging on at this point knowing her only brother was gone forever.
Again, the clip changed.
“Mom and dad got their divorce today. Hooray, huh?” Matt mutters sarcastically. “Dad also moved out. He’s living not too far, thank god. We’ve sorted out how me and Pidge are going to live now. One week at mom’s together, the next week at dads. It’s gonna be hard, but at least me and Pidge are still together. I don’t know what I would do without her.”
Pidge softly smiles. The clip changed.
“I’m not coping too well with mom and dads separation,” Matt starts. “My girlfriend knows this, but Pidge doesn’t. N-7 has been so good to me during this time. She knows how to comfort me. She knows how to make me feel better. She’s seen me cry. I’ve practically broken down in her arms, and she knows I’m hurting. I just hope it’s not too much for her to handle. I would hate to know that I’ve put so much pressure on her. She doesn’t deserve that.”
Pidge leans in.
“I don’t know why I can’t talk to Pidge about it though,” Matt sighs. “Maybe it’s because the idea of being that useless, mentally ill older brother worries me? Maybe it’s because I don’t want her to see me as weak? I want to be strong for her. She’s not coping well either, and I’m doing my best to help her. I don’t need her worrying about me. She thinks I’m happy, and I want it to stay that way. I can’t let myself break in front of her. Not when she’s hurting just as bad.”
The clip changed again, and Pidge’s whole expression grew pale. All that time she believed Matt was happy. All that time when Matt was putting on that smile, it was always just to tell Pidge that he was okay, when in reality, he really wasn’t.
Pidge hated herself for not knowing sooner. Why didn’t she know sooner? And it's not like she could fix things with Matt now..
It was far too late.
In this clip, Matt again looked sad. “Why can’t I just be normal?” he mutters. “Why can’t I just be a normal loving boyfriend for her rather than the sad and depressed boyfriend that she’s got? My life is so miserable, and I swear to fucking god it’s turning her miserable. Looking after me, comforting me; I know she can’t do it. She was never made out to constantly look after me because I’m useless.”
When Matt started to cry, so did Pidge.
“I hate myself,” Matt chokes out. “I hate myself for putting others down just because I can’t even look after myself. And when I say others, all I really mean is N-7. It hurts her to see me like this and– fuck, I hate that she has to see me like this.. She doesn’t deserve this..”
For the rest of that clip, it was just her older brother crying and hiding his face in his hands. Seeing this made Pidge cry. And then, again, the clip changed.
Matt starts with a sigh. “Me and N-7 have been talking,” he says. “She said she wants to help me. She says she’s trying her best. But she’s admitted that it hurts her to see me like this. And god, I feel so bad. I feel so fucking bad.”
Pidge shifts uncomfortably. She was sensing the downfall.
“But I’m going to try,” he says. “For her, I’ll need to be better.”
For the next few clips it was just Matt talking about his girlfriend, his problems, mom, dad, Pidge, school work, and so on. And with all these topics, it all seemed so sad. He talked so sadly.
But there were some clips in which he seemed happy (which felt almost rare now). Most of the happy topics involved N-7 and Pidge, a few friends like Lance and Hunk. But other than that, Matt was so very sad. Depressed, one could say.
And what worsened this situation was the next clip.
It was dark in the room he was in, yet Pidge could still see his bloodshot eyes and his blank, yet full of sadness, expression. He wasn’t looking into the camera. It looked like he couldn’t even force himself to look into the eyes of the camera with his next words.
Voice both quiet and dry, “She broke up with me.” He says, not giving the camera one single glance.
There it was, Pidge thought to herself. The moment of her older brothers and his first love's downfall, in which that caused instant heartbreak. And unfortunately, Pidge remembered this time so well. When Matt and N-7 separated, it was one of Matt’s worst of times.
He loved her. And if Matt were still here right now, that is one thing he could admit. He loved her, and still does. Practically loved her till the day he died. That is something both Pidge and N-7 would hate to hear. If only Pidge knew how N-7 was doing now after the news…
The clip immediately changed when Matt hid his face in his hands. Again, it was dark in that clip, but still Pidge saw the heartbreak her older brother was feeling.
In the rest of the clips it was unfortunately, yet expectantly, Matt talking about the breakup. Pidge was quick to notice all the small changes about Matt. His hair was getting longer to the point he could finally tie it back in a ponytail, he looked tired with those dark eye bags pulling his half lidded eyes down, and he just didn’t look like himself. The sight scared Pidge.
This continued, and slowly, Matt was looking a bit better than previously. However, his appearance didn’t change his act. He was still that sad and now nineteen year old boy.
In this next clip, Matt looked serious. Of course, his hair was tied back, he was sitting in his seat, and he was giving himself a quick minute before he spoke. Pidge felt this sudden rush of anxiety race through her just by seeing Matt this serious again. She knew she wasn’t going to like what was going to be said by her brother next.
Matt clears his throat, starting with, “I started recording this at the age of sixteen. Three years ago, to be exact,” he starts. “There was a reason I started recording so many years ago. And if I’m being completely honest, I didn’t expect myself to make it this far. Sixteen year old me would be shocked to find out he made it to nineteen.”
Again, Pidge shifts uncomfortably, and Matt continues.
“I think… I think after that first recording of sixteen year old me, I started to realise I had so much to live for. Even after all those plans. Those plans of what I wanted to do to myself, how I wanted to end it all… I don’t know, I guess– I guess part of me wanted to do it, and another part of me was scared. Wanted for me to experience this shitty thing called life for a little longer, you know?”
He sighs, looking down.
“I want to say that I’m proud of myself. I want to say that I love myself and appreciate myself for who I am,” he pauses, sighing. “But I can’t. The idea of this whole recording was to let people know that this day would finally come. The day that there would no longer be a Matthew Holt to walk the Earth. And for anyone who’s watching this… I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry, and I hope you can forgive me one day.”
Pidge understood what it was Matt was intending on doing. However, this wasn’t how Matt died. Matt died for an even harsher reason, that not even the poor boy was expecting.
He didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve any of this.
“It was hard for me growing up,” he continues. “I grew up hating myself for so many different reasons. I always thought I wasn’t good enough, I never fitted in with anyone else, I felt weird and I just hated myself for never truly putting myself out there. I wasn’t like other kids my age. I was weird. I was awkward. I felt seriously pathetic,” he pauses again, sighing. “Then came to the point I wanted to do terrible things to myself. I know for whoever is watching, you’re not going to like this, but I wouldn’t do good things. These were definitely my worst moments of life… where I just couldn’t take it anymore, and I just… god, I’m just so sorry.”
He’s burying his face in his hands. He’s not looking in the camera as he admits this because he knows someone he loves is watching, and he knows he’ll never be seen as that happy boy he was always proved to be. And Pidge.. Pidge feels terrible because she knows she couldn’t do anything about Matt’s health, nor could she do anything about it anymore.
Because Matt was gone. Matt was gone forever.
Eventually, Matt looks up again, continuing. “Before I make this stupid decision,” he sighs. “Mom, dad, Pidge, my friends… I have a few words for you guys..”
Pidge doesn’t want to hear it, because she knows she will never be ready. But, she clasped her hands together tightly, looking for some source of comfort as she studied her brother on the screen through watery eyes. And then, he’s talking.
First, he talks to mom.
“Mom… Mom, you have no idea how sorry I am. Just know you didn’t do anything wrong, and I love you. I love you so much, and I need you to know that there is absolutely nothing you have done to possibly make my life miserable. If anything, you helped me so much, even in the moments you didn’t know I really needed you. Those were the moments that felt the greatest. The moments in which life was so terrible, and you were always there for me when you didn’t actually know what was going on. And maybe I should’ve talked to you. Maybe I should’ve given you a chance to let myself open up to you more. But just know I trust and love you so much, mom..”
Pidge held back a sob.
Next, was dad.
“Dad, I want to be honest with you,” he starts. “The truth may hurt, but for the past few years, it’s hurt me just as much seeing you distance yourself from us. Me, mom, Pidge. You distancing yourself to the point you actually left broke our hearts. I do love you. Dad, I really do love you. But I just wish you’d stayed. I wish we could’ve been a normal loving family, free from problems, and free from everything that unfortunately did happen. And I wish we could fix things, but I think I’ve completely reached my limit. Trying… I can’t try anymore, dad. And I’m sorry I couldn’t do better for you. And, I hope you can forgive me one day.”
Pidge started to cry. What hurt the most about this speech towards dad was, he was never going to be able to watch this clip. Dad was gone. But perhaps, maybe Matt and dad did meet up again, forcing Matt to let it all out and spill the truth.
And then, Matt was talking to Pidge.
“And Pidge..” Matt sighs sadly, forcing Pidge to pay close attention. “God, Pidge, you have no idea. You have no fucking clue how terribly sorry I am for you. You mean so much to me. You’re my sister. My pal. My best fucking friend. And I hate myself for having to leave you like this. Leaving you hurts the most, Pidge. Leaving my only sister. The only person who gave a shit for me. I’m a bad brother. I’m a bad brother and you don’t have to forgive me, but I’ll only ask for you to understand.”
Understand?
“You understood me. You didn’t care if I was weird, because you were ten times just as weird. You’re the coolest person I’ve ever met, but god, you always made me laugh because you were such a crackhead. And when I’m gone, please, Pidge, I want you to think about the happy memories rather than thinking about what you could’ve done to stop me from leaving. I know you, Pidge. You’re going to think about how all this could’ve been prevented, but this is my fault. It's my doing. I’m the reason I’m doing this. I’m the reason I just can’t live on anymore. ‘Live on’? Ha, that’s some horror movie type ass line,” he pauses, snickering at his own words before turning serious again. “I love you, Pidge. I love you. I always will. So, please? Don’t stop loving me just because I’m gone?”
Pidge stares at her brother, vision now blurry because she was practically drowning in her own tears. He then adds something else, making Pidge laugh because somehow, he knew she’d be crying. He wanted her to crack a smile because he always hated to see her cry.
“Oh, and do you think you could clean out my closet for me?” he says, shooting a smile towards the crying Pidge. “If you know you know. Can’t let ma and pa see what their nineteen year old son has been hiding.”
Pidge wipes away a tear, trying to smile. He was probably talking about that stupid glow in the dark bong he’d use. Pidge remembers Matt and Keith being completely baked in the dark one time, laughing their asses off because they were waving the bong around in the air and giggling over how it looked like it was floating on its own. Pidge manages to silently laugh at that memory as she cries.
Matt’s sighing, indicating he was going to talk again. “So,” he says. “I think that’s all I need to say. Mom, dad, Pidge.. N-7. I love you all. I’m sorry again. But I’ve reached that point of the glass where I think it’s just, well.. shattered. Forgive me, don’t forgive me, just… just don’t stop loving me because that was the real reason as to why I’ve made it this far.”
Pidge is trying to smile and so is Matt. She can see the tears forming in his eyes as he tries to keep a brave face for his family, knowing they’re watching. And then, he’s finishing off his vlog with,
“Um, so, I guess this is goodbye?” he smiles. “It’s been an honour living with you people during this shitty life. Thank you. For everything,” he reaches towards the TV. “This is Matthew Holt signing off. Peace out.”
The screen went black. All went silent. The only sound was the echo of Pidge’s silent sobs reverting all throughout the tiny space.
God, if Pidge had known. If Pidge had known what was running through Matt’s head for all these years, then maybe she could’ve helped him. She could’ve stopped him before the ghostface situation, and then, maybe, just maybe, things could’ve gone in a different direction.
Matt was killed because he was murdered. That was never the plan. Pidge knew what his original plan was. And it was sad. It was sad that she was stuck living the life knowing Matt had two choices of death.
She takes her glasses off, rubbing her eyes. After all that, she feels she is understanding Matt right now more than she ever has before. She finally understands his emotions, how he was feeling, his thoughts, his everything. And now, when Pidge finally finds out the deeper part of her brother, she can’t do anything because Matt is gone. Matt was gone forever.
Matt was murdered by Veronica, and if Pidge had a second chance to kill her, she would take that opportunity. She was a monster. A murderer. A killer. Pidge only prayed she was rotting in hell right about now.
As for Matt, hopefully partying with the others, because after the shitty life he lived through, he deserves nothing but peace and happiness.