Chapter Text
The tears won’t stop. It hasn’t stopped since Jimin found out.
“Your mom misses you. Don’t you wanna meet her?” His father asks softly.
Of course he wants to meet his mother. He has craved her love since she moved out of the country, leaving him and his father behind to live on their own.
“But, why do I have to move?” Jimin cries. “Can’t she come to visit us?”
“It’s… difficult. She can’t leave her new family.”
She can’t. But they all are expecting Jimin to move instead. “My whole life is here, dad. M-my school, my friends… you.”
“It will be a good opportunity Jimin-ah. For you, for your future.” His father says. “The education in the states is far better than what this small town can provide. And you can study in your dream university later.”
Jimin keeps staring at his father with his teary eyes, pleading to understand his fifteen year old boy what he is asking him to do.
It’s such a big change. “I don’t want to go.” Jimin murmurs. “I don’t want to leave my home.”
If his dad heard it, he didn’t react.
“You have to leave?” Jin asks when they meet up. “For how long?”
Jimin shrugs. He doesn’t know anything anymore. It’s like his whole life is uprooting, shifting to a whole new world.
And then he looks at the other boy who is sitting there silently. Jungkook is the most silent today.
He just started his high-school and was so excited for it. Jungkook’s birthday is round the corner and he had so much planned for the younger boy.
A surprise.
How is he supposed to tell Jungkook that he has to leave? How is he supposed to leave Jungkook like this?
In the back of his mind, Jimin is scared. He is scared that he will be forgotten. Forgotten by his friends. Forgotten by his family, his dad. Forgotten by Jungkook.
That last thought worries him the most.
He had a five year plan. Jungkook doesn't like him yet. Jimin knows it. Of course he knows when Jungkook grunts sometimes in his presence. But Jimin doesn't mind that. Because after five years, when Jungkook would fall for Jimin, all of this would become a moo point. And Jungkook WILL see Jimin. He knows it.
But, that plan is going in the wrong direction. If Jimin is not gonna be here for these five years, Jungkook would never remember him.
“You are crying.”
Jungkook’s voice startles Jimin. He didn’t even realize that he has started to cry now. Jimin wipes on his tears with the back of his hands. He doesn’t want to look weak, and pathetic.
Jungkook gets the handkerchief from somewhere and gives it to Jimin. Because those tears are not stopping. However hard Jimin tries, it just doesn’t stop.
“I don’t know why I am not able to stop myself from crying.”
Jungkook doesn’t say anything. Instead he flops on the seat beside Jimin, sitting silently there.
“I am leaving town,” Jimin finally tells him. He dreads the reaction. And maybe that’s why he is not turning his head to look at Jungkook. Because, if he is heartbroken from the news, it will hurt Jimin too. But, if there is no reaction, if Jungkook is not even sad for Jimin leaving, then what? This thought scares Jimin even more.
“I heard.”
Jimin is still not looking at Jungkook. His voice is not giving away how he feels.
“If you don’t want to go then, why are you not talking with your dad?”
Jimin looks at Jungkook finally. And when he looks at him, there is no sadness, there is no ‘oh finally I will be rid of Jimin’ reaction either. Jungkook looks… confused, his brows frowning.
“I did,” Jimin clears his throat. “He says it will be a good opportunity for my future career if I study there.”
Jungkook scoffs at that. “We have teachers here in Korea too. What different are they going to teach you over there? If you don’t want to go, then don’t go.”
Jimin blinks. It’s the first time Jungkook has initiated the talk. It’s also the first time Jungkook is not pushing him away.
Jimin wishes it was this easy for him to just say no. Because his heart is conflicted too. He wants to stay here. But, he also wants to meet his mom. She has never called for him before. It’s the first time she wants to spend time with him. If Jimin denies now, will he regret his decision for the rest of his life?
He is lost in his thought that he doesn’t even hear the bag unzipping, the sound of shuffling and Jungkook placing something over Jimin’s lap.
Jimin looks down and finds a small box in his palm. “What’s this?” When Jungkook shrugs and doesn’t explain anything, Jimin opens the box and finds a strap bracelet that can be adjusted on his wrist.
“We had to create something in arts and crafts.”
“And you made it for me?” Jimin’s eyes go wide, looking at Jungkook in awe.
“I made a bunch of them,” Jungkook corrects, scratching the back of his neck. “So, I am distributing it to everyone.”
For some reason, Jimin doesn’t buy the reason. But, whatever is the reason, Jimin is already on the ninth cloud because Jungkook thought of him, he included Jimin in those people he wanted to share his craft with.
“So, uh… yeah. Happy birthday. Or whatever.”
“You remembered?”
“Jin hyung kept saying at home that we need to buy you a gift. It’s not something expensive. But, I thought. I mean if you don’t like it, you don’t have to accept it. I will buy something for your birthday.”
Jimin doesn’t give it back. Why would he? It's the first time Jungkook has given a handmade gift to him. It has to mean something. Right?
Jimin doesn’t realize it, but he has stopped crying now, his eyes glued to the bracelet. “I will always keep it safe, Jungkook.”
Who knew that this bracelet will become a sense of faith, a sense of hope in Jimin’s life.
Instead of Jimin keeping it safe, one day, this very bracelet will become his safety net.
Jimin couldn’t go to any of his classes afterwards. The text haunts him even if he didn’t want to think about it. He checks at the bracelet over his wrist, adjusting it over and over again, hoping it’s staying at its place.
“It’s nothing,” Jimin mumbles to himself. “You need to stop thinking about that. It’s just a troll. I am far away from there. No one knows where exactly I am. They can’t find me here.”
Jimin has been telling this to himself for the past hour. It doesn’t help that he skipped the class… again. But he is not in the right state of mind to be present, to be surrounded by people around him. He doesn’t want to repeat the episode, to lose control and panic in front of everyone like last time.
Don’t bring attention to yourself, and keep going on.
Maybe that’s why he ended up in the deserted café. Not a single soul is present there apart from the guy behind the counter. And Jimin is sure, the guy is… sleeping?
Good for Jimin, because he doesn’t want people around either. Squeezing his eyes shut, Jimin rests his head on his forearm. He doesn’t want to think about that message anymore, or the fact that he reactivated his SNS account just to go over the internet and look over all the stuff others have said about him. Things his friends said, those who Jimin thought were kind to him once had turned against him.
Good for nothing.
Attention seeker.
Some even went ahead and created threads of posts with bullet points on why Jimin is wrong, and karma is coming for him soon.
Anything and everything that Jimin had said before that day was taken out of context and twisted in such a way that only made Jimin the bad guy. However much he tried to explain his side, whatever he said, nothing mattered.
No one believed him.
Only thing left was hatred. And everyone directed that hatred on Jimin.
The words had hurt him back then. Too much. And it still hurts him now. Most of them were from strangers, but there were so many, whom Jimin knew by face.
There were a series of emails from his step-brother that Jimin had purposefully sent to the trash folder. And now he has dug them up back and scrolled through each of them. Every email of his is telling Jimin how he is letting his mother and her family down. How they gave Jimin a place, a home, and Jimin stabbed them in the back.
You need to own up to your lies and face the truth. You need to come back. This is the right thing to do.
It was the right thing for them, not for Jimin.
No way in hell is Jimin going to put his foot anywhere closer to that city where… Jimin swallows the lump forming inside his thought, and tries to get those memories out of his head.
Even if his cousin, and ninety percent of the town is siding with Jimin’s mother and her family, he doubts this threatening text is from his stepbrother.
Jimin doubts if this text is from him either because even he isn’t stupid to try to contact Jimin.
Or is he?
No, he can’t be. How will he even get Jimin’s number? Unless, his mom or someone from her family shared it in one of their conversations. They are all club pals after all.
A soft knock on his table makes Jimin jump. He looks up, startled, backing away from the stranger. He is the same height as Jimin, and looks like he came out of a long slumber. He is the same working boy who was sleeping on one of the tables.
The name on his shirt says “Min Yoongi”.
“If you are done, I can bring the check.”
Jimin doesn’t want to leave yet. Where is he supposed to go? Back to his apartment? He can do that. But, he is scared that the person who texted him might be waiting at his doorstep or something. He is freaking out and thinking of the worst possible things.
But this is what a person does when the worst possible things always happen to them.
“I can order another coffee.”
“The guy looks at the table on which there are already four glasses placed in a pattern.
“Why? You want to make a hexagon out of them?” Yoongi points. “Look, even if you order another round of coffee or anything else, I can’t keep you here. We will be closed for an hour. This café is booked for a private party at this time.”
Jimin nods, getting up reluctantly. He has no place to go, no other person to talk with about his worries at this point.
And to be honest, Jimin doesn’t want to include anyone to know that part of his life either.
Most people of Jungkook's age would be partying, or drinking and hanging out with their friends on such a pleasant Friday night. Jungkook on the other hand is spending his Friday night sitting in a circle, a fucking circle listening to people's problem.
People Jungkook doesn't even know and doesn't even care much to be honest.
Some of the folks in the group aren't that bad. Like Kang Hyun, who has a drinking problem, and one night he got drunk and had a bar fight. He isn't a psychopath at least.
Jungkook isn't sure about Jessie though. She kinda looks scary with her pasty makeup.
Ten more months of this and then Jungkook will be done. He can do this. Seriously. He can easily do this.
“Jungkook?” Dr. Lee clears his throat to bring his attention back to the group. “Is there anything you would like to share tonight?”
“No, not really.”
“He never shares anything.” One of the girls complains.
And Dr. Lee nods. “That's true.” He adjusts his glasses. “You barely contribute to the group, Jungkook.”
“I am just taking it all in.” Jungkook shrugs. He leans back and pulls on his baseball cap hoping the attention can move away from him.
Dr. Lee is about to say something when the door to café opens and what the actual fuck.
Because Park Jimin just walked in there.
Jungkook straightens up, his shoulders stiff once his eyes meet Jimin’s. And Jimin on the other hand is frozen at his place, staring back at Jungkook in shock. Because, if Jimin heard any of the conversation, then he must know by now that Jungkook is at the anger management group.
And how can Jungkook be present at a support group after all?
“Hello, is there something I can help you with?” Dr. Lee grins at Jimin. “Are you here to register yourself in the session? We already started for today, but if you want to join, then you are most welcome.” He points at the empty chair right across from Jungkook.
Jimin is still rooted to his place, but his eyes are not moving away from Jungkook’s. After what feels like an eternity, Jimin does take a step forward, going to sit in the designated place, but stops. “I was just looking for my keys that I dropped when I was sitting… here.”
So, the good thing that happens due to Jimin’s presence is that all of the attention is now focused on Jimin now instead of on Jungkook. And Jungkook is now floating under the radar.
But, the bad thing is that all the attention is now on Jimin and Jimin doesn’t seem to enjoy it. He looks panicked, scared, and so out of place. Jungkook doesn’t care about Jimin. Seriously, he doesn’t. But, for the past few days, that’s exactly what his brain and heart keeps pushing him to do, to care for Park Jimin.
“It’s here,” Yoongi comes out of the kitchen with their coffees, and points Jimin in the direction of the lost and found box. “You can take it from the counter.”
Jimin rushes to get his keys and in the blink of an eye, leaves the café.
But, Jungkook’s mood is soured now. Because now Jimin knows that Jungkook has done something because of which he needs to attend this session (he hasn’t done anything). And maybe Jimin would judge him too. Just like others did. Just like the cops did. The way that judge looked at him with disappointment.
Dr. Lee moves to other people in the group, and Jungkook remains silent for the rest of the session.
As the session ends, Jungkook gets up to sprint out of there as fast as he can, but Dr. Lee stops him, summoning him over.
Great.
Jungkook drops back in the chair, and leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “What’s up?”
“How are you feeling these days, Jungkook?”
“Peachy.” And feeling antsy to get up and go to that certain someone who is behaving like a scaredy cat these days.
“I want to make sure that you are getting the most out of these sessions, Jungkook.”
“I am.” Jungkook is not. But, he can lie through his teeth when the scenario demands him to.
Dr. Lee eyes Jungkook as if he can see through his soul or something. “You have barely spoken about that event.”
“Because there is really nothing to say.”
“There is a lot to say,” Dr. Lee argues and smiles in a fond way. “I know talking in front of people can be hard. But, it’s hard only in the beginning. You don’t need to feel shy around the group, because you have things in common with them.”
Jungkook stiffens. “I am not sure if I have a lot in common with them.”
“Are you sure about it?”
Jungkook averts his eyes.
Dr. Lee sighs. “You need to take this seriously, Jungkook. Do you realize how lucky you are? Because what happened to that boy could have put you in jail for a very long time.”
“I know.” And Jungkook means it. Jungkook knows how lucky he is. How much Jin has helped to get him out of those criminal courts because his dad is a prestigious lawyer who is respected by everyone and Jungkook’s otherwise spotless record. “I am a very laid-back person. What happened to that boy–”
“-is the reason why you have to take these sessions now,” Dr Lee counters. “You beat him, and that beating begs to differ from what you just said. That boy injured his nose and his limb. That doesn’t sound like a laid-back person would do.”
Jungkook’s stomach sours, but he doesn’t look away. It’s an exaggeration. All he did was break that guy’s nose
Any good friend would have done the same. They would have done more.
And yet, he says what they all want to hear from him. “I am not proud of what I did, okay. Looking back, I know there were plenty of other things I could have done.”
“But?”
But, Jungkook doesn’t have an ‘anger’ or a ‘rage’ problem. That bastard was beating his best friend for god’s sake. Taehyung stayed in that relationship with him, and that guy took advantage of it. Jungkook was bound to lose his shit.
The only problem is that the guy has some high political hold, and it got Jungkook tangled up on the web. Jungkook had punched him once. And that guy turned it up into some serious shit, as if Jungkook had injured him more than that. He didn’t. And now he has to do community service and attend these sessions. Because that was the only way he was able to get out of this mess.
Dr. Lee doesn’t say anything, but Jungkook knows that he is going to push him again to talk in the next session.
Jungkook doesn’t think that much. Once Dr. Lee lets Jungkook go, he gets up and strides out of the café looking around, thinking if he can find Jimin outside.
Jimin wouldn’t be waiting for Jungkook. He knows that. No one would do that. But, yet, for some reason he thought maybe he would catch Jimin standing there.
Because he always used to wait for Jungkook after school. So that they can go back home together.
But Jimin isn’t there.
“Sorry, I should have locked the door,” Yoongi closes the café door behind him. “He is the boy who moved across from us right?”
Jungkook nods.
“He is your old friend right? I am sure he won’t judge you. He knows you after all.”
That’s the thing. It’s been so many years. Jungkook doesn’t know if they actually know anything about each other anymore.
Jungkook is standing in front of his apartment. But he isn’t going inside. Instead, he’s facing the door across the hallway, the one that belongs to Jimin.
His palms are sweating. This is stupid. He should just go inside, shower, and pretend he didn’t see Jimin tonight. Pretend he didn’t feel the quiet jolt of surprise, or betrayal, when he spotted him there, eyes wide and uncertain like he'd walked into the wrong room. Betrayal because no one Jungkook knows was supposed to be there. But, somehow Jimin was. His fate has been really testing him lately.
But Jungkook’s already moving. Before he can talk himself out of it, his knuckles are knocking softly against Jimin’s door.
The silence on the other side stretches too long, and just as he’s about to back away, the door creaks open.
Jimin’s eyes go wide when he sees him. He doesn’t say anything. Just take one small step backward.
Jungkook notices that step. It feels louder than any word.
“…Hey,” Jungkook says, voice low, like it might set off some invisible alarm.
Jimin swallows. “Hey.”
“I was thinking we should work on the assignment. Saturday night?” Jungkook doesn’t know why he is bringing it up. The assignments were announced on the dashboard just a few hours back and they don’t need to submit it until next week. But, this seemed like a good reason to talk with Jimin.
Jimin hesitates. His fingers tighten slightly on the edge of the door. “I might be busy,” he says, glancing down, then up again, almost as if he's trying to read Jungkook’s mood. His voice is cautious, softer than usual. “Maybe I should just do it by myself.”
Jungkook tilts his head. “You sure? I mean, we both should do it together. That’s what we decided. Unless you don’t want to anymore after…”
Jimin opens his mouth, then closes it.
The silence between them is heavy with unsaid things.
Jungkook exhales through his nose, jaw tightening. “Is it because of the meeting?”
Jimin blinks. “What?”
“You didn’t expect to see me there at an anger management support group.” It’s not a question. Because he can see it all over Jimin’s face. The surprise, the confusion.
Jimin looks away. His throat bobs. “No. I didn’t.”
Jungkook nods slowly. His voice is quieter now. “Do you think I have anger issues?”
Do you think I am scary? That I should be put far away from other people? Are you disappointed in me like dad was? Or when Jin hyung saw me for the first time after that incident? Do you also think I am violent?
Jungkook wants to ask all of that. But, he swallows all of those questions. Because he fears that what if Jimin answers any of those questions as a ‘yes’. He has always been the only one who always thought that Jungkook can never do anything wrong. He saw the best in Jungkook.
Jimin’s eyes flicker to his face. “I didn’t say that.”
“You didn’t have to.” He doesn’t mean for it to come out that bitter, but it does. “You took a step back.”
Like you are afraid of me.
Jimin’s lips part, stunned. “That’s not… I was just surprised, okay?”
Jungkook stares at him for a second. There’s a tightness in his chest that won’t go away. The kind that comes from being seen and immediately misunderstood.
He shakes his head. “Forget it.”
He turns slightly, already stepping back toward his own apartment when Jimin suddenly says, “Wait.”
Jungkook stops.
“I didn’t mean it like that,” Jimin says quickly, stepping forward now, like he wants to erase that gap he’d created earlier. “I just,” he swallows, “It caught me off guard. That’s all. Not because I’m judging you. I am actually the last person to judge anyone to be honest.”
Jungkook glances back at him, not understanding what that last statement really meant.
Jimin bites his lip, nervous now. “Saturday Night. I’ll be there.”
A beat passes between them. Then Jungkook nods, once. “Okay.”
He doesn’t smile. But he doesn’t walk away either. Not right away.
And when he finally does, he hears a click of the opposite door only once Jungkook’s inside his own apartment again.
Whenever Jimin is tense, and too anxious, he cleans. And that's what he is doing to get all this energy out of him. Finding Jungkook in that group was a surprise for sure. Jimin still doesn’t know what exactly that group was meeting up for. But, he had his guess from the conversation he overheard while he went inside to get his keys back.
Jungkook has never been a guy with anger. He was shy for sure, and talked less with others. And maybe a normal amount of anger used to surface.
But, that’s not even what's making Jimin think over the past hour. It’s the fact that Jungkook thought Jimin was scared of him. Because, no way in hell is Jimin going to be scared of this boy. Maybe, Jungkook is the only guy in this world from whom Jimin isn’t scared of at this point.
Jimin doesn’t know why. Maybe because they are old friends. Or maybe because of his old crush. But, Jimin has been backstabbed by friends before too. Should he really spend his time with Jungkook or anyone then?
He shakes his head, trying to get this weird thought out of his head. “Don’t put Jungkook in the same place as them. Jungkook is not like them.”
Jimin tried to go to bed. But, it was pointless because he isn’t sleepy. He doesn’t want to scroll through his phone or open the laptop either because Jimin is trying to avoid reading back those text messages and emails again.
So, he stands up and ends up doing something he hates.
He starts pacing in his apartment, like he used to do back in the States in his bedroom. His apartment is quiet. Really quiet. Jimin can hear even minute noises from the other apartments.
So, he focuses on those noises instead of letting his head wander to the past. Because Jimin needs to stop thinking about all that. It’s doing nothing but increasing his anxiety and panic.
Jimin stops, looking down, realizing that the sleeve of his shirt is pushed up and his fingers are wrapped around his left wrist. One by one, he lifts his fingers up. A faint pink indent is there due to the bracelet pressing on his skin all the time. For the past few years, Jimin removes that bracelet only at night when he knows that he is going to bed, and no one is around.
Those indents have become permanent by now. Just like this jagged scar this bracelet hides.
Jimin removes his hand completely. The two inch deeper cut slashed in the center of his wrist. It was a deep cut, made from the broken glass of a photo frame he had thrown after the first picture was circulated at the school.
It was one of the lowest points in Jimin’s life. If the maid hadn’t heard the glass break, Jimin would have done much worse. He wanted to end it all, because nothing could have been worse than what had happened to him, what his mother and her family agreed to do… the fallout afterwards.
His life had become separated into two chunks. Before and After.
And this after seems to be endless, going nowhere when no one was on his side. Jimin stares at the scar, and shame burns like a fire in his belly. Because suicide is never the answer. And, if he had gone through it, he would have made them win this.
Jimin learned the lesson all by himself, since therapy was never an option for him. His mom and her family are rich. And they would have rather cut off their limbs than suffer through a thought of embarrassment of letting the world know that her son needed therapy.
Apparently, they were okay with Jimin labelled as a lying whore.
But Jimin hates seeing the physical reminder of his weakness. It would be beyond humiliating if anyone else sees this.
Probably that’s why Jimin is glad that Jungkook is able to go to a support group. For whatever is going on, or whatever happened with him, he at least has people who are ready to help him where he needs it.
Jimin on the other hand–
Sudden deep laughter from the hallway draws Jimin’s attention. That’s Jungkook’s laughter.
“Can’t you really come on Saturday night?” A male voice asks, slightly muffled through the walls. Jimin can’t hear it properly, but it feels like he has heard that voice before.
There is a pause, and then he hears Jungkook say, “I really can’t sweetheart. Maybe next time.”
Sweetheart? OH! Is this Jungkook’s boyfriend or something?
Jimin hears footsteps hitting the stairwell, and he rushes to the window. Since, his apartment is at the end, and overlooking the parking lot, all he needs to do now is wait. And then there they were, a shirtless Jungkook and… Taehyung.
Taehyung is wearing leather pants that are hugging his legs at all the right places. That was all Jimin could make out through the window. He can’t hear the voices now. Taehyung stumbles, but catches himself before Jungkook could help. They stop near a blue sedan, and Jimin feels like a total peeper watching them. And yet, Jimin is unable to look away.
Jungkook says something and laughs when Taehyung playfully shoves his shoulder. Then they hug and Jungkook takes a step back, giving him a little wave before turning to the apartment building.
Halfway back, Jungkook glances up towards their floor, and Jimin jumps back a little like a total idiot. Jungkook can’t see him. There is no way he can without any lights on in Jimin’s apartment.
Jimin laughs nervously and then quiets down when he hears the door shutting down the hall. Seeing Jungkook with someone else…. Makes Jimin feel the pang in his heart.
Five year plan.
Jimin can literally hear himself saying that all those years back. That plan never came to see the light. Jimin left the town and Jungkook grew up, and got someone to date now. If Taehyung is actually Jungkook’s boyfriend.
It would make sense too with the way Jungkook is so protective of him, the way Jungkook is always there for Taehyung and vice versa.
“It’s for the best.” Jimin murmurs. “If they are actually dating then that’s good. At least Jungkook found someone who cares for him.”
Because this way, Jimin knows where he stands. He can stop himself from getting those feelings resurface again if he already knows that Jungkook belongs to someone else. Maybe if things go well, they can go back to being friends again. Jungkook still doesn’t talk much. But, maybe being the assignment partner can do good for them both and Jimin can go back to being friends with Jungkook.
Jimin is okay with that. Because this is doable. Because it will be nice to have more friends like before.
But as Jimin climbs into his bed and stares at the ceiling, still wide awake, for a brief moment, he wonders what it would have been like if Jungkook actually reciprocated those feelings back then.
What it would be like if Jungkook was interested in Jimin like that.
What it would be like now to have crushes on someone, to be interested in Jungkook or any other guy for that matter. To look forward to those dates, dinner plans, to first kisses and all the things that come after that.
Jimin can bet his life that it must be nice to have such feelings. Jimin misses having those feelings, of those butterflies fluttering inside his stomach.
It’s been ages since he felt like that. And Jimin wonders if he would ever be able to feel that way anymore either.
Because, that has been taken away from Jimin.
The trip to the Bukhansan National Park to do their astronomy assignment started as painful as that anger management session Jungkook goes to. Jimin is sitting on the passenger seat as if Jungkook just lured him in there with an offer of free candies only to be driving Jimin to some shady place.
Jungkook isn't. He is simply taking them to a place where they can have some clear sky for star spotting.
Yes, Jungkook is using the word spotting or sighting because gazing feels more… Romantic? And this trip ain't that. They are going to complete their assignment.
It's all university business.
Jimin is sitting there all stiff, straight as a board, tugging on the sleeves of his sweater.
“I still don't get why we couldn't take two cars,” Jimin mumbles.
“What's the point? We are going to the same place. It would be so much easier to go together in a single car.”
“I got them to deliver the car early so that I can drive myself wherever I have to go. But I ended up climbing in yours instead.”
Jungkook doesn't have anything to say to this because getting a car just because Jimin didn't want to be in a car together is such a reach.
Jungkook would have thought it’s because of the café incident, because of his therapy sessions. But, Jimin said that he is not judging Jungkook for that. And Jungkook is taking his words for it. Jimin doesn’t lie. He never did. If Jimin did think otherwise, he would have said something to Jungkook.
Like he always did. That wouldn’t have changed in years right?
“Are you afraid of my driving skills? I am a great driver!”
“It’s not that,” Jimin sighs, looking down at his lap. “It's just…”
Jungkook waits for Jimin to finish his thought but when he doesn't Jungkook prods, “It's just what?”
“I have never been in a car alone with another guy before.” Jimin stills after admitting it, shrinking into himself, as if he shouldn’t have said that.
Jungkook glances over the passenger seat and Jimin looks embarrassed, as if he can’t believe he just said that out loud.
“Never?” Then how did Jimin go out on dates? Jungkook doesn’t ask that out loud.
“Forget I said that. I don’t know how I blurted this out.” Jimin looks out of the window. “I know it sounds incredibly pathetic, so please… just pretend like you didn’t hear anything.”
Jungkook can drop it, because he doesn’t want to make Jimin feel embarrassed over this. “You are not pathetic. You never were.”
There is no response from Jimin. But Jungkook sees Jimin’s Adam's apple bobbing in his throat, and he starts tugging on his sleeves once more.
This reaction. Why does Jungkook keep feeling that there is more to Jimin’s reactions than he is showing?
“This place will be perfect for sighting the stars. I won’t lead you wrong. I promise.”
“Okay,” Jimin mumbles, and clasps his hands together so tight that Jungkook can see his knuckles going white.
“Are you sure we're allowed to be out here at night?” Jimin asks, glancing around.
“Nope,” Jungkook turns to pull into the parking lot. There are only a handful of cars.
Jimin stares at him. “What?”
Jungkook rolls his eyes. “I am kidding. Relax. All we have to do is tell the rangers that we are from the university. I am sure they will be cool about it.”
“Okay,” Jimin straightens himself, grabs his bag and gets out of the car. “Let’s get this over with.”
Jungkook grabs the flashlight. “Geez, don’t sound too excited.”
Jimin doesn’t respond. It doesn’t sit well with Jungkook. When they were kids, Jimin used to laugh and respond back to such remarks. But now Jimin is avoiding it. His nervousness hasn’t died. It has increased.
“How long do you think it will take?”
“Why? You got a hot date tonight?”
“Uh me? No.”
Jungkook doesn’t know why but this answer makes his muscles relax. But, on the other hand, the expression on Jimin’s face is confusing him. “You are sounding like this is such an insane idea. And no one would go on a date on a Saturday night.”
Shouldn’t it be more common in the States?
Jimin shrugs. “Others can. I never said that. I, on the other hand, am not.”
“You don’t go on dates on Saturday Night?”
“I am not dating anyone.”
“Then why the rush?” When there is no response, Jungkook turns to glance at him. “Are you worried that I have brought you here for my own wicked reasons?”
The words are light. Jungkook doesn’t mean anything with that.
But, Jimin doesn’t take it that way. He stops, his face pales in that very instant, as if he has seen a ghost. “W-what?”
Jungkook faces him, feeling the knot tightening in his chest and something else. This reaction is too quick, too real. Like Jimin can be in a serious panic mode any second. A bad taste fills Jungkook’s mouth. “Hey, Jimin. I was just joking.”
Jimin stares at him for a brief second.
“Seriously.”
He averts his gaze, cheeks flushing. “I know. I am just…”
“Jumpy?”
Jimin nods, “Yeah. that.”
“I am not that type of person. You know me Jimin.”
Jimin nods, whispering something to himself thinking that Jungkook didn’t hear it, but he does.
There is no type when it comes to that sort of thing.
Fuck. Jungkook is really hoping, he is praying that whatever he is thinking is not the case. Jimin is jumpy is all that is.
Jungkook usually doesn't get riled up. He doesn't get angry on stuff either. When he told the doctor that he is a laid back person, he meant it.
And yet when Jimin fiddles with his bracelet, standing all nervous and anxious, anger starts rising inside him over the possibility of something fucked up might have happened with Jimin.
Jungkook can't let that train of thought any further. He is surely overreacting. Like Jimin said, he is just jumpy. He tells himself that, and yet, the thought is not going away from his head.
“Let's go. It will be dark soon.”
Jungkook starts walking, waving at two students from their class. Jimin falls in step with him, but he keeps a healthy distance between them. “Why do so many people come here for the assignment? I am sure there are places close to the campus too.”
“Maybe, but it won’t be the same. The lights from the city make the sky look dull. You won’t see the stars clearly.”
Jungkook takes him through the hill to a spot from where he knows the sight would be remarkable. Sitting on the grass, he pats on the spot beside him.
Jimin looks down at the spot, sucking on his lower lip between his teeth, and Jungkook’s muscles tensed in his stomach. An eternity passes when Jimin moves and sits, like three feet away from Jungkook.
And then… and then their gazes collide. They were sitting closer than this inside the car, and yet, this… sitting under the sky full of stars now feels much more different. Jimin feels much closer.
Jungkook tries to take a breath, but it doesn’t go really far. He can see those stars shining in Jimin’s eyes, as if they reside there, as if it’s their home and not that sky. Jimin has a bare face, and Jungkook swears he can see freckles over his face. Some fresh, some faded. Jungkook wants to count all of those. Because, they weren't there back when they were young.
Jimin parts his lips, like he is waiting for a kiss.
The urge to kiss Jimin hit hard in Jungkook’s gut.
The thought kind of scares Jungkook. Not, because he doesn’t know how to kiss someone. But, he never thought that he would be thinking of kissing Jimin. He wants to taste those soft-looking lips.
If Jungkook was with any other person, he would have made his move by now. And they would have been making out in this park.
But, it’s not any other person. It’s Jimin for God’s sake. Jimin whom Jungkook has known since they were kids. Jimin is his old friend.
And that makes everything complicated. It can ruin dynamics. Because, if he hurt Jimin with this move, if he even glanced at Jimin in that way, Jin would bury him below this same sky, in the ground, six feet under.
Apparently, his body is not getting the memo though. Because his heart is racing, his fingers tingling beside him.
These emotions are occupying his whole mind now, and it’s too much. His heart is pounding so loud, he fears if Jimin can hear it too.
Jimin is the first one to look away, ducking his chin to study the notebook in his lap. He keeps clearing his throat as if something is stuck in there.
“What constellation are we supposed to map today?” Jungkook lets out a breath, and that’s when realizes that he was holding his breath for far too long.
“C-Corona Borealis, I think.” Jimin reads the notes as Jungkook holds the flashlight.
“The Northern Crown.”
Jimin’s brow rises. “You know this off the top of your head?”
Jungkook chuckles at Jimin’s dubious expressions because he juts his lips out, frowning, and all Jungkook can think of is… Cute. “Don’t sound so surprised. Yes, I don’t take notes in class, but I do pay attention.”
Jimin wrinkles his nose in a cute way, and damn Jungkook needs to stop himself from using the word for Jimin so often in his head. Otherwise he might slip and say it out loud.
“I really don't understand how anyone can see shapes in the stars.”
“Really?” Jungkook moves closer and peeks over his shoulder. “The shapes are pretty obvious.”
“Are they?” Jimin frowns. “It's not for me. To me they are just a bunch of stars in the sky. You are just making things up based on your imagination.”
“What are you talking about?” Jungkook points at the map. “It’s a crown.”
Jimin laughs at that. A genuine laugh. A real one. Something Jimin hasn’t done since they met again.
It’s been years since Jungkook heard that laughter, because well, it’s been years since they spent any time together. And the last week wasn’t very spendful as Jimin kept himself away from him and pretty much from everyone else.
“It doesn't look like a crown.” Jimin counters.
“So, what does it look like to you?”
“Half disfigured circle.”
Jungkook connects the stars, and looks at Jimin who still looks unconvinced.
“Now it just looks like the cookie monster,” Jimin mumbles with a pout.
Jungkook laughs. “You are ridiculous.”
Jimin’s lips curve up in a smile, trying to make the shape up, but by the looks, Jungkook knows Jimin is not still not getting it.
“Do you know where the name comes from?”
Jimin shakes his head, so Jungkook reaches over and takes the pen from Jimin. In the process, their fingers brush and a jolt passes through Jungkook’s arm. Maybe Jimin feels it too, because he pulls away immediately.
Jimin never used to be this jumpy before.
“It represents a crown given from God Dionysus to Ariadne. When she got married, he placed her crown in the heavens in the honor of their marriage. Hence the crown.”
Jimin stares at Jungkook, “Was this discussed in the class I missed?”
Jungkook shakes his head.
“Then how do you know about this already? Since when are you a Wikipedia of knowledge?”
“I am repeating the class. Had to drop it last year.” Jungkook usually doesn’t share this with anyone, but he doesn’t know why it came out so easily in front of Jimin.
He dropped because he was caught up in going through the court case. But, he doesn’t know if he will be able to tell that truth to Jimin yet. But if Jimin asks, he won’t be able to lie either.
He never did in the past then why would he now?
Jimin nods, but he doesn’t ask anything further. Old Jimin would have. And Jungkook doesn’t like it. He doesn’t like that Jimin has shut himself down, and has become so reserved. Because it was never Jimin.
“Are you not gonna ask me?” Jungkook phrases the question before he can stop himself. “Aren’t you curious why I have a lag in my studies?”
Why was I at the anger management session last night? Why didn’t you ask it last night either?
“It’s not my place to intrude in others’ business.” Jimin says it like he means it. “And I don’t like to mingle with others. So, this is the better way.”
Jungkook is not some random person. But, looks like he is one now in Jimin’s eyes. “Why? You love people. When we were kids you were always surrounded by them.”
“I was a stupid kid who didn’t know boundaries. And we are not kids anymore. Now, I hate it when there is too much attention on me. Now, I hate it when…”
Jungkook waits for Jimin to finish, hoping that one time Jimin will actually say his thoughts out loud. But he doesn’t. Instead he shakes his head, and scoots away from Jungkook. He tries to be subtle, but Jungkook sees it, the way there is uncertainty in Jimin’s eyes.
“We are supposed to be mapping the stars and all I have is a scribbly line and you,” Jimin glances at him, “have nothing.”
Jungkook takes the note from Jimin and connects the dots. “Here you go. We are halfway done now.”
Jimin frowns , staring at the map and then turning his head up to see the sky. While he is distracted, Jungkook leans in closer to finish the rest of the assignment, as he is done with this astronomy shit.
Since last week, when Jungkook didn’t bunk classes to be there with Jimin… to look for him at places when he wasn’t around, he kept telling himself that it’s because of Jin. Because Jin cares. Because Jin kept asking him to take care of Jimin, to be there with Jimin as a friend.
But, the truth is Jungkook cares too.
He cares that Jimin has changed so much. Change is fine. But, Jimin has gone in a shell so deep that it bothers Jungkook, because a person like Jimin is the light in others’ life.
Jungkook looks at the Alpha Star, Sirius in the night sky and then at Jimin. The brightest star around him.
And, this light is dimming.
Jimin doesn’t laugh, he doesn’t talk. He is living his life like a robot. Jungkook wants to hear that laugh again. But, that has become a rarity.
In all these years, Jimin has withered.
The thought brings that knot to appear back in his chest, and it keeps twisting inside Jungkook.