Chapter Text
It felt so human to talk with someone without a helmet on. During sessions, it was essential to look at other people's faces and despite the initial concern from General Hux, I was able to explain to him why it was so important to have them remove their helmets. Everything on Starkiller base was dull: the corridors, the offices, the living quarters. Even the people looked the same with those boring uniforms on. The stormtroopers seemed like diligent droids, white-shiny armors that made them look all the same. They didn’t even have a real name; it was just an identification code. So, when stormtroopers entered my office, they were treated like normal people. It was my only policy.
When I accepted the job onboard, I knew who and what I was going to meet, and that didn't stop me. I was the only one from my university that applied for a job in the First Order; they desperately were looking for psychologists and I immediately jumped on that occasion, aware of every outcome. General Hux had been clear about my job and what I had to do; even if it went against the professional code, it didn't matter there. I had to conduct weekly mental examinations for whoever the General sent me and send him the files of every examination. I was aware that I was going to do something despicable, against my moral and professional principles, but that was an offer I couldn't refuse. He wasn't surprised that I was going to do it only with a condition: no helmets in the sessions. The first two weeks were rough because I wasn't good at accepting changes, and living there was a massive change. It was a completely different world and I was like a scared little puppy that got lost. I spent half of the time getting lost through the corridors and the other half trying to find the right one to take.
My eyes were attentively scanning the young man's face while he was looking around my office. It was his first session with me, and he seemed a little nervous about it. It wasn’t unusual for stormtroopers to react this way; they spent most of their life with their faces covered and obeying orders, and the only time they were relaxed was in their bed after their shift. After a few sessions with them, I was able to understand more about their life. It erased yourself and your thoughts for a bigger cause. To the First Order, the lives of those men were sacrificable, and no one objected to it.
“Do you want something to drink?” I asked the young man. His name was BZ-750. He continued to look at my office, his eyes landing on some plants I'd brought from my home planet. After a couple of seconds, he looked at me, recomposing himself, and nodding. “I have some tea, is that okay?”
“Yes, ma'am.” After pouring some tea into a cup, I offered it to him, who sipped, delighted by the sweet flavor.
“I introduce myself: I’m Doctor Willvin. And you are…” I already knew his name, or I should say id code, but an introduction was essential to break the ice.
“BZ-750, m’am- sorry, Doctor.” His voice was soft. He was my age, but his eyes were more experienced than mine. “I’m an assault trooper”
And then my session began. We stayed in my office for about an hour, talking about his job, tasks, and duties, when he suddenly received an emergency message on his comlink.
“Doctor I’m sorry but- they need me. Is it alright?” He treated me like I was a high-ranking officer and if I wanted I could’ve ordered him to stay here and continue the session, but I didn’t. I wasn’t an asshole and in fact, I didn't have that kind of power. The man in charge was General Hux; it was too soon to anger him.
“Don’t worry, the session is almost over. You’ll receive the next appointment date on your datapad. Go now, duty calls you.” He looked into my eyes for the last time before he put on his lifeless helmet, leaving me alone in the office.
I spent the next hour writing down my brief but crucial examination of BZ-750 for General Hux when I noticed it was already lunchtime. The food on Starkiller wasn’t exactly the most delicious, but when you were hungry everything was good enough to eat, even their tasteless soups and abominable bread. I got up from the chair, my back in pain because of the terrible bad I had in my quarters (making a mental note to ask for a better mattress…If they had it), and began my journey towards the cafeteria. On my brief walk, I noticed how stormtroopers were running towards the main hangar, their stance not anymore robotic like they were running for dear life. The corridors, always crowded by soldiers, were almost empty, even the cafeteria was silent for lunchtime. The only “living life” was a bunch of droids in the kitchen, silently cooking. I approached one of them who gave me a tray with soup, made with vegetables and other ambiguous food, some water, and bagged whole wheat bread.
“Do you need anything else, Doctor?” droids were the only ones that addressed me in the right way. They were more respectful than my own species. “We are cooking beef stew. Come here if you want some.” Then he went away, ignoring me again.
I grabbed the tray and walked towards a table near the wall, and started to eat the soup. After half an hour some troopers came into the cafeteria, visibly hungry. The emergency seemed already over and from my seat I was able to see all of them take their tray and walk towards the tables, talking with their friends and enjoying each other’s company. Seeing them enjoy their lunchtime with other people, friends that they knew for years, made my heart full of joy. When I started to talk with the few stormtroopers I had sessions with, they never mentioned their life before entering the First Order (always if they had one before it) or if they had any friends aboard. They all seemed nervous around me, skeptical about my work, and maybe they knew that everything they were going to say was a potential threat to their lives. But after the first sessions, they started to open up a little more, feeling less threatened by my presence, and shared their life and how it was to be a stormtrooper. The night was hard to sleep knowing that I was violating their privacy, potentially ruining their careers and lives. Maybe my bed had nothing to do with my pack pain, maybe what I was doing was causing me all these issues.
My tray was already empty and I was slowly eating the last slice of bread, its flavor making my stomach sick. I didn’t realize I was staring in front of me when a white armor showed up. I looked up to see the soldier's face but it was covered by the helmet. The soldier must’ve noticed my frowned look and hurried up to uncover his head. It was BZ-750, his hair covering most of his face. Probably it was the first time, after our session, that he removed his helmet. I couldn’t decipher his eyes, which scanned me and the table where I was seated. When he noticed I wasn't saying anything, he coughed and started to talk.
"Doctor, I wanted to thank you for today. I’m sorry that the session had to end so early... but I wanted to thank you for your kindness." I didn’t know what to say. I was moved by his kind thanks. It was my job, and obviously, I couldn’t keep him in the office when he had an emergency. "And... I noticed you are eating alone. I’m having lunch with my comrades and we wanted to invite you to sit with us. If you want." His proposal left me speechless without knowing what to do. “I’m sorry, I didn't want to sound rude. I only wanted to-”
“Oh it would be a pleasure to meet your comrades but…I’ve finished my lunch and it seems rude to watch you eat while I’m not.” From his face, it was obvious he didn’t expect a positive answer from me. “If you want I can grab a cup of caf and stay with you for a while. Sounds good to you?”
“It- It sounds good.” his eyes were now happy and his smile was melting me down. He told me where they were seated then I got up to take a cup of caf. It was one of the only things in the cafeteria that didn’t make me throw up. I ate there rarely, I had my own kitchen in my quarters but I wasn't a great cook. However, even my food wasn’t terrible like that. He was eating and talking with three other people, two men, and a woman. I smiled at them while they scanned me briefly but I noticed how their postures changed.
“Guys she’s Doctor Willvin, the one I’ve talked about.” They relaxed a bit when their friend introduced me to them, greeting me and introducing themselves. This time they didn’t use an id code, but real names. Well, I wasn’t sure those were their real names but were better than those stupid codes. Even BZ-750 had one, Boaz. The other two were called Zack and Andrè while the woman’s name was Katherine.
The conversation started after a long silence. They were eating their meals while I was sipping my caf, studying their interactions with me. Finally, Katherine stopped to eat and looked at me, his stare less intimidating than before but still inquisitive. I knew that kind of look and it scared me, I didn't want to put anyone in danger.
“We’re not used to talking with someone different than us…” then she scanned the hall and her eyes stared at a table in particular where some high-ranking officers were having lunch. “Boaz told us you’re a shrink.”
“Kath!” Boaz shot her right away, kicking her leg under the table. “She’s alright, I've told you.”
“How do you know it? I don’t know her and neither do you. Why should I trust her?” Her words showed a little jealousy, and I understood why I was a menace to her eyes. The other two, Zack and Andrè, didn’t say anything while Boaz was arguing with Katherine.
“You’re right, you don’t know me.” when I opened my mouth their eyes were all over me. “I am what you call a shrink but only in my office, where I work. Now I’m no different than you. And if you want me to go away, tell me and I’ll do it.”
The tension was palpable and they were all staring at me. I hoped my response didn’t sound too arrogant or impolite, but their silence told me otherwise. Katherine, who was still staring into my eyes, impressed by my response, nodded, making a smirk before breaking the silence by talking with his friends. For the first time, I heard the voices of the other two troopers; they were talking about the emergency in the main hangar.
“Gosh, he scared the hell out of me! That man is dangerous.” I wasn’t sure who they were talking about, but it became the main topic of the conversation. Something happened in the hangar but they didn’t share any details. My curiosity grew when I heard a name.
“Who’s Commander Ren?” Again all their attention was on me, their mouths open wide like they couldn’t believe what they’d heard.
“What do you mean ‘who is Commander Ren’? Doc, how long have you been here?” Andrè was shocked by my question. They all were.
“Three weeks, I think…Anyway. Who's this guy?”
“Oh my God…She’s serious. She doesn’t know him.” Now they were talking as if I wasn’t there, Zack couldn’t believe his own words. Boaz didn’t show any funny reaction (the whole situation was funny to me) while Katherine was about to burst with laughter.
“Girl, you're funny!” She laughed a bit before continuing to talk, “Commander Ren is the most important man in the First Order, after the Supreme Leader.”
“I thought it was Hux. Never heard of this Ren before.” all of them were dying inside, laughing. Their laugh was raising some curiosity from the nearby tables so they tried to stop it. “C’mon I’m new here.” I was laughing with them. It’s funny how the previous tension was permanently canceled by my blissful ignorance about the First Order.
“We know that but-” Zack stopped to laugh, “But it’s funny. You work here and know anything about it.”, he was right. My planet was in good relations with the First Order, and throughout the years the government managed to stay neutral; that’s why all of this was new to me.
“The funny part is that Hux and Ren are at each other’s throats. They’re mortal enemies, I’m not joking.” said Katherine. “They’re like two kids fighting about who’s more powerful.”
“I didn’t know anything about that”, I took a sip from the cup but my caf was already cold and tasted terrible.
I was not prepared for what they were about to tell me. Having never heard of him till that day, hearing who Commander Ren was deeply disturbing. They described him as a man with zero temper, full of anger, and with zero empathy. Famous were his tantrums where sometimes he destroyed entire rooms full of equipment. I wondered why a man so wicked was in charge; it didn’t sound good to me that a man like Ren had so much power. And then they mentioned it: the Force. He was force sensitive and used it whenever he wanted, especially to inflict pain on others. I knew stories about the force, tales about men and women who could do extraordinary things with it; but I’ve always thought those were legends and stories for kids. But this Ren was Force-sensitive; how could he use something so exceptional to do bad? I couldn’t understand it, but I wasn’t in a position to ask it.
“It happened to one of my friends. He was giving orders to her squadron and she was caught making jokes about him. He almost choked her to death.” Katherine was full of hatred for this man, and I couldn't say anything against it. I would probably be mad like her if something like that happened to a friend of mine. “He is dangerous. I hope you never meet him and if that happens, be careful”
Our joyful chat continued throughout the whole lunch, then they had to go away. While I was going to my office I felt happy for the first time after weeks; being alone didn’t bother me but the First Order made me feel lost. For the rest of the day, I couldn’t stop thinking about Commander Ren and what they told me. Could such a terrible and frightening man be fascinating in my mind? I remembered what Katherine said to me about him, and how she hoped I would never meet him in my life, but even her words could not suppress my curiosity. Was I curious because I was a psychologist and he would be an interesting case, or I was slowly losing my mind?