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Charlie was fidgeting in his seat. He looked up and saw that Geoff was still waiting for an answer to his recent question. What’s bothering you, Charlie? There wasn’t really a trigger but lately he’s been questioning how or why he deserved all the bad things that’s happened to him. It makes him think of so many questions that sometimes he thinks it isn’t even worth it to tell anybody. He knew Nick would be frustrated if he told him how sorry he felt for Ben, not because Nick would be jealous that he was thinking about Ben, but because Nick is so protective and passionate like that. He would move mountains just for Charlie to believe that Ben doesn’t deserve sympathy and that Charlie shouldn’t ever feel like he owes Ben some sort of acceptance of apology. And so he tried his hardest to tell Geoff what was on his mind without breaking down, which is near impossible to do.
“Sometimes I feel so bad for him and sometimes it makes me feel so angry at myself for feeling sorry for him. Why do I have to feel sorry, I was the one who was forced on. It’s just so fucked up, I feel so drained and I—I just don’t know how to feel.” he said in a small voice, hoping Geoff would hear him so he didn;t have to repeat himself again.
“Hmmm… I understand your thoughts, Charlie but may I ask why you feel sorry for him?” Geoff asked as he anchored his chin on his fingers, no judgement on his face, just pure compassion.
“Because he’s struggling too! I would be such a hypocrite to not feel any remorse for him”
“First of all you are not a hypocrite, Charlie. Hmm… you told me a little bit about Nick, may I ask if you feel sorry for him as well?”
“Why are we talking about Nick?” He was suddenly confused about where his therapist was going with this, “Uhm, I feel sorry for his struggles, yes, especially with his dad and brother, he doesn’t deserve them at all, he’s such a good person, not just to me but to everybody else too.”
“I don’t want to compare here Charlie, because we all have different experiences and situations in life and ways of coping but you said so yourself, they’re both struggling but Nick didn’t have the need to force himself on anyone or manipulate you in any way.” he said matter of factly.
“Nick would never do that! I trust him so much.” he said adamantly, never imagining how anyone would think of Nick that way.
“And so I want you to know that yes, you can feel sorry about Ben, but that will never justify what he did to you, Charlie. Nick has proven to you that even while struggling he can be a better person. In fact, you have proven to yourself how you can never think of harming anyone even how much you struggled this year.” he said, and Charlie thinks about how nonchalant he just said that and thinks back to so many times he feels like he’s hurting other people just by being associated with him. It feels good to hear it from other people how he in fact was not hurting anyone and people like Nick and Tori stayed with him throughout this whole ordeal because they think he’s worth it. He moves away from his thoughts when Geoff added, “There are many studies that victims of abuse or similar to it want to make things better for them, for others around them, their future spouse or children. And so if Ben is experiencing struggles in his home or in other places shouldn’t he want to want a better life for him and his partners? He needs help, Charlie, but he doesn’t have to get that from figuring things out by hurting you, and he doesn’t need your empathy. You are the victim, you have been wronged, and I am very sorry you had to experience that, but you do not owe him any empathy. People also cannot dictate for you to feel empathy for him. You deserve to feel whatever you need to feel as long as you don’t harm others and that is what differs you from Ben. If he didn’t have that support at home he would have known he would’ve had you as a shoulder to lean on. He knows Mr. Ajayi, as you’ve told me he’s a known amazing teacher who can help the kids, especially queer kids, he chose not to confide in you, or even just accept your support, and that is not you fault and it will never be your fault. You love the people around you, you braved yourself to go to therapy even if the thought of it was so scary because you are kind Charlie, and no matter what struggle you’re going through, you always think about others, even if sometimes it’s a bit too much and you don’t let other people know how much you’re struggling but what matters is that you’re here, you were brave and kind, and you will never harm others just because you’re struggling.” he finishes, the silence hung around them for a moment, not an uncomfortable silence, but a silenced needed for Charlie to let it sink in.
“Uhm…wow. That’s a lot.” he took deep breaths fiddling with the sleeve of his jumper, well, Nick’s jumper but that’s already a given.
“We still have time left, you don’t even have to say anything. You can just let yourself think about what I’ve said.” he said thoughtfully with a soft smile.
“No, I– thank you. You know i still struggle when people say nice things about me like i’m nice or something,” he chuckled thinking of instances where Nick says something he loves about Charlie and he’s just in disbelief how the amazing golden retriever rugby lad of a boyfriend can say so many nice things about Charlie, “Even Nick gets frustrated sometimes how I won’t receive his compliments about me.”
“He loves you fiercely,” Geoff’s thoughtful smile widens thinking how these two young boys have such a lovely relationship that’s youthful but also very mature at their young age. He wished he could make an example out of them both to his other patients, he felt like a proud parent but maintained his professional manner.
“He does….times like these, I do feel like I don’t deserve Nick when I put Ben and him side by side. It was like I was so used to Ben treating me like that to the point that when I met Nick I felt like I didn’t deserve all that love and attention.” he huffs out, not being able to help these feelings come to the surface again.
Geoff nods sadly to himself, “That’s what manipulation does, Charlie. You were a victim.”
They still talked about some things before their time ran out but it was all still focusing on his pity for Ben and how he feels about that. It’s not a huge step but he already feels powerful from today's session. He knows there are still going to be days when doubts creep in but he knows himself much more now and he believes in himself that he won’t make way to harm other people just because he’s struggling just like what Ben did to him. I am kind, I am good, he thought as he stood outside the building, soaking up the sun as he waited for his dad to pick him up.
He called Nick that night and for the first time in his life, as Nick recounted all the goodness Charlie has, he nodded and accepted all of it. Nick was so proud of him and they were all laughs and giggles until they fell asleep with smiles on their faces. Only good dreams that night for the both of them.
—
Rugby practices were always such a delight to watch for Charlie now that he wasn’t part of the team. Ogling his boyfriend without the pressure of winning, or at least being decent at the game, was what made it one hundred times better.
“Charlie!” Nick yelled across the field waving his arms so hard like the adorable boyfriend that he is, “Wait for me okay? I’ll just change and we’ll walk home together. I LOVE YOU!” that gained a lot of hollers from his closest rugby friends, Sai, Christian, and Otis. The three of them teasing and bickering how much of a loving idiot Nick is. Nick was taking it all in stride and laughing and bouncing off to the changing rooms like the golden retriever he is, blond hair swaying from his motions.
Charlie walked over near the exit of the field where he knows Nick can still see him once he’s done changing. He got out his phone and scrolled through it until he noticed a shadow from his peripherals. Ben Fucking Hope. He didn’t cower like he used to even if he saw the annoyance on Ben’s face, most likely because he didn’t want people to see him with Charlie. Ben was so in his head thinking people would say things about him even if their surroundings were almost deserted and no one would probably see them standing together. And it wasn’t even like someone would suspect anything about them, everyone knew how lovey dovey Nick and Charlie were, it was a well known fact across the school.
Charlie sighed heavily as Ben stood near him, too near for his liking, so he backed up a bit and Ben took this as a sign of fear. He grabbed on to that.
“I already said sorry so many fucking times Charlie. Can u just fucking take the apology, you are so annoying, standing here acting like your boyfriend’s pet waiting for his beck and call, it’s pathetic.” he spit out, red from his outburst.
“I don’t have to receive your apology, asshole, I don’t owe you anything,” he said as he sighed, feeling more irritated than fearful.
“I was a younger, I was fucking figuring things out for fucks sake!” now screaming so hard his veins looked like they were on the verge of bursting.
Charlie’s head whipped to Ben, “So was I!” Ben’s words were so unfair to his ears, “I was a child too, figuring out so many things and struggling so much at home. So was Nick with his homophobic brother and his absentee dad, and society telling him he should be this and that just for being a rugby lad. So was Elle who can’t visit her family in Egypt because of how dangerous it still was for her and how people would still whisper behind her back. So was Darcy who was struggling in her own homophobic home. So were many kids who are out now but was in the closet back in year 10 who were also figuring things out but why the fuck were you the only one who needed to be vile and disgusting. Why did I have to experience assault? Why was your first instinct to beat me up when you thought I outed you to tori when I didn't?! TELL ME WHY!” Charlie finished now breathing heavily as he let all that out. He didn’t need an answer to be honest, but he wanted Ben to know how much of a disgusting person he is compared to all the struggling queer kids out there who never resolved to abuse and manipulation. He was done dealing with him. Charlie knew his worth, he didn’t need to be Ben’s punching bag, he deserves so much more than that, he deserves all the love Nick was willing to give him and more. He was done trying to empathise with someone who couldn’t accept the help Charlie was willing to give but was willing to hurt him in the worst possible things you can imagine a boy going through. He felt sorry, he felt pity, but he can never understand how Ben became this Ben. The hateful Ben.
As Charlie finished his speech he was about to turn around to leave this pathetic person behind and got to Nick, he saw that he was already standing a few feet behind him with his protective look on his face.
“I don’t even have to add anything, Charlie is his own person and I agree one hundred fucking percent with all that he said and if you don’t leave him the fuck alone you’ll see my fists against your face again, so help me god.” he looked at Charlie, features already going soft as he looked like a man in love that he is. “Ready to go, love?” as he put out his hand to Charlie.
“Yeah.” he smiled fondly as he took his hand in his and walked away.
Ben looked so stunned and his stricken face was the last thing Charlie saw when he turned around not really needing an answer anymore because he knew his worth. Together, Nick and Charlie walked home, knowing they could face anything and at the end of the day they would be each other’s safe place, each other’s home.