Chapter Text
Nearly a week after Bilbo's recovery, he found himself being shepherded around by Fili and Kili, the two eager to show him more of the mountain while Thorin was busy. Though, if Bilbo suspected the original order to come from the king himself, he would not have been surprised in the slightest. Nevertheless, he was enjoying himself immensely, as the two young dwarves were excellent guides, if a little over enthusiastic at times.
They had just reached a newer section of the markets, and Bilbo was perusing the goods with interest. "There's so much to see," he mused, glancing up in time to see Kili rolling his eyes dramatically. "What?" Silently, Kili pointed over to a group of chattering lasses, their eyes clearly rooted on his brother. Fili bore an odd expression, almost pained, but made no move to approach them. "Why doesn't he speak to them? Are they annoying or something?" the hobbit asked curiously. Beside them, Fili muttered something too low for him to hear, followed by a noncommittal shrug, and when no further response was forthcoming Bilbo huffed and let it go. It seemed he would have to content himself with a mystery, and the thought nagged at him for the rest of the day.
***
Hobbits do not take well to secrets. Mind, they love having secrets, but not knowing one? That is unacceptable, and Bilbo was no exception. He did the only thing he could think of. Sitting before the fire by Thorin's side that evening, he casually brought the subject to light.
"You know, Fili was behaving rather oddly today."
"Is that so?" The dwarf chuckled, figuring Bilbo had simply become a victim to one of the boys pranks and was using this opportunity to tell him about it. Thorin did not feel concerned, for his hobbit was clearly unharmed and didn't appear to be unduly bothered. Well, that wasn't precisely right. The hobbit was thoughtful, maybe a bit upset even. Thorin sighed. If he had to yell at Kili again for bothering someone it would be the end of him. The lad had given him more grey hairs in the last decade than he cared to admit. And it was Kili who was always the ringleader, even if Fili was the one Bilbo had brought up first. He was bracing himself for yet another stupid tale involving his nephews when Bilbo's words brought him up short.
"Yes," the hobbit said. "He was utterly ignoring a group of nice girls that only wanted to speak with him. Then he refused to tell me why. It was very strange. Do you have any idea what is going on?"
Bilbo looked over at him, to see Thorin's face fall and shoulders slump in defeat. "I do not know," the dwarf answered wearily, the problem clearly one that had been plaguing him for a long time. "I have seen it too. He will not tell me why, but he avoids the young women like a plague." He pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. "I know he likes them, he used to flirt with them all the time before we came here. The lad was a regular heart breaker," he added, with a chuckle at the memory.
"I wonder if Kili knows," Bilbo mused thoughtfully, recalling the flash of sadness that the dwarf carefully tucked away at the time.
As if his words were a summons, there was a knock on the door, and Kili himself poked his head in. "Evening Bilbo, Uncle," he greeted them cordially. "May I come in?" At Bilbo's wave he slipped through the door, closing it softly behind him and sitting nearby. For a moment he just studied the hobbit, and Bilbo was left mildly uncomfortable by the unusually serious expression he was faced with. Clearing his throat, Kili spoke low. "I suppose you want to know what that was all about today?" The pair nodded, but still Kili hesitated for a moment. "Just, promise you won't be angry with him," he asked forcefully.
"Of course," Bilbo instantly replied. "Kili, whatever is the matter?"
The younger dwarf sighed, drawing in a steadying breath and then getting the lot out in one go. "He got so worked up, watching how uncle wasn't really coping with you being gone, that he swore he would never fall in love, because he doesn't want to feel that way." Kili threw a look of guilt in Thorin's direction, directly in response to the low sound of despair that fell from his uncles mouth, and Bilbo reached out without even thinking, grabbing his hand and holding tight. "He didn't want you to know,when you were already so sad," Kili explained, "but I thought you should know now, because I can't stand to see him putting himself through this anymore."
Thorin seemed too overcome to speak, so Bilbo hastened to reassure Kili himself. "We will talk to him, I promise you," he murmured, glancing at Thorin before offering a slight amendment. "Perhaps not tonight though. I think Thorin needs to digest this for a bit, and we will speak to him in the morning."
"Just don't leave it too long alright?" the young dwarf pleaded emotionally. "Nothing I have said has done any good." Bilbo nodded, reaching out with Thorin's hand still tucked in his to embrace Kili. The dwarf squeezed back gently, soaking in the comfort, before he pressed his forehead to Thorin's. "I'm sorry Uncle. You know this wasn't your fault right? It's going to be okay now." With those last words he headed for the door, calling good night back to the pair before slipping out as quietly as he came.
Thorin had his head bowed in sorrow, and Bilbo could tell he was mentally beating himself up. The hobbit huffed and got to his feet. This just would not do. "Thorin? Why don't you come to bed, we can get a good nights sleep and think on this fresh in the morning. I'm certain that together we can break through this funk that Fili is in and work things out." He had tried to sound confident, but not even his reassurance was having any effect. He tugged on Thorin's hands, stopping short when he got immovable resistance. He sighed. Apparently they were going to talk about it now. "Thorin?" he asked, staring pointedly until the dwarf looked up.
"It's all my fault," came the dull response, eyes glimmering with emotion. "I was supposed to be strong for them, to keep them from worrying. Everything was supposed to be alright. We had our home, our family. They should not have to know my sorrow."
"You should not have to grieve alone," Bilbo corrected gently. "You didn't fail him, not for this. Not for acting like someone with feelings. You'd go mad, if you acted like a stone all the time. I'm sure he understands that."
"I did fail!" Thorin vehemently disagreed. "First you, then him. Even Kili, who got blamed for far more than his share of trouble these last years. I have been using him as a scapegoat, when he deserved so much better. The worst of it is, he just takes it, as if he doesn't know anything else, and I'm beginning to wonder if that isn't the case. Have I really fallen so low?"
Bilbo considered this for a moment, as he could tell his answer would be important. "Well, what does your sister think? Has she ever confronted you about it?"
"No. Why does that matter?" Thorin asked, sorrow lessening in the face of this perplexing question.
Bilbo chuckled in relief. "That's your answer though, isn't it? Do you honestly think Dis is the sort of woman who would sit back and let her sons be bullied by anyone?"
"Of course not!" Then Thorin's face brightened. "Ahh, I see. You think she would have told me."
"I know she would have," Bilbo amended firmly. He reached down, drawing Thorin to his feet and leading him towards the bed as they spoke. The dwarf offered little resistance now that he had a small weight lifted off his conscience. "By that logic also, you can rest assured that Fili's condition is no more your fault than Kili."
The self deprecating frown returned. "How do you figure that? I don't think even you can talk me out of being at fault here."
"We'll see about that," Bilbo snorted. "I'll tell you, but you must get into bed first. I want to relax, and you are far too tense."
Obliging reluctantly, if only because he was mildly curious, Thorin stripped off his day clothes and sank onto the bed with a weary groan. "Alright, I'm listening," he challenged, arms crossed defiantly over his chest as if bracing for bad news.
Bilbo would have been tempted to laugh at the childish pose if not for the serious events that had brought it about. His king really knew how to take sulking to the next level, and he made broodiness into an art form. "It's simple. Either Dis knew what was ailing her son, and doesn't blame you for it, or she didn't know more than you about the situation. I do not think you can blame yourself if Fili has been so close mouthed about it that not even his own mother knew what was bothering him. Now, turn round."
"Why?" Thorin asked, not looking entirely satisfied with the answers he had gotten, but knowing Bilbo's stubbornness far outweighed his own. He would get nothing more from the hobbit, and he knew he should be grateful that Bilbo had been so adamant in shifting his mood. His love was a marvel, constantly striving to make him happy even when he was hurting himself. And Thorin could tell, the news Kili brought that night had shaken Bilbo also. It seemed self blame was a spreading thing.
There he was, doing it again. Thorin moaned in pleasure as soft hands kneaded the muscles of his shoulders, moving slowly down his back with just enough firmness to beat back the nagging pain that hit after a long day. "Whatever would I do without you?" he murmured, even as he felt sleep calling, his body at last beginning to relax. Bilbo laid him down, stretching out at his side and grabbing up the blankets.
"Oh, you'd turn into a stiff necked rock, I expect," Bilbo teased softly, before laying an arm across his chest and nuzzling against him with a contented hum. His breathing slowed, and Thorin soon followed him into sleep.
***
Despite Bilbo's bid of confidence the night before, the pair were both nervous as they knocked at Fili's door together. They did not know what to expect from this confrontation, and knowing that the dwarf had been hiding this pain for a decade was a revelation that promised a difficult conversation to follow.
Unsurprisingly, Kili was already there, standing behind his concerned brother when the door opened to admit them. "Uncle? Is something wrong? Kili told me you wished to speak with me, but he's been awfully closed mouthed about why. Have I done something wrong?"
Thorin was almost unable to answer. He felt a deep ache at the thought that Fili would automatically assume a talk with him meant trouble. This was not the image he wanted them to have of him. Beside him, Bilbo had his hand held tightly, and it was his grip that allowed him to speak the needed words. "No Fili, you've done nothing wrong. Neither of you have. In fact, I couldn't be more proud of the pair of you," he announced firmly, placing a hand on Fili's shoulder.
"Erm, you haven't been drinking have you? It's a bit early for that you know," the blond offered cautiously, forcing a bark of bitter laughter from Thorin's lips. Had it been that long since he had complimented either one of them? Thinking back, he was shamed to realize Fili's confusion was well founded. He had a lot to make up for, and what better time than now to start? Thorin struggled to think of a way to ease gently into the discussion, before heaving a frustrated breath. He didn't do gentle, that was as foreign to him as living in a tree.
Nothing for it then. "It was brought to my attention that you were more upset by Bilbo's leaving, and mostly my reaction to it, than you let on," he said bluntly, not at all shocked when Fili's expression shifted to mulish denial and an accusatory glare in his brothers direction.
"You told them?" he growled. "Why would you do that?"
"He didn't want you to hurt anymore," Thorin broke in, when it was clear Kili would offer no words in his own defense. "I for one am glad he told us. It pains me to think you shared my burden, while carrying your own in silence. I hope you will not be angry with your brother, he has taken far more than his share of abuse lately, and all from someone who should have known better." He turned to Kili then, hoping to get all apologies out in one day. "I'm sorry, I have been unjust with you. It was not your fault."
To Thorin's shock (but not Bilbo's), Kili merely shrugged. "It's alright Uncle, I knew why you did it. To be honest, I may have started some of those pranks on purpose, so you'd have someone better to yell at than the council, or the ambassadors."
"What?" Thorin blinked. "You knew? Then why...? No, never mind, we'll talk about this later." When Kili just grinned, having expected nothing less, he turned back to the more important subject. Fili had sat on his bed, and was glaring at the floor. "Fili, please talk to me. What are you afraid of?" Thorin knew his fear, but he had to hear it confirmed, even if the pain of such a truth would cut deeper than the one that caused it.
"I couldn't bare it, to hurt like you did, or mother when father died! It's not worth it! Why should I give myself to someone just so I can turn into a shadow! I'm fine on my own." He was ranting now, purging ten years of pain like poison from a wound, but Thorin was not sure it was helping him to go on like this. He seemed only to be getting angrier. Suddenly, his mouth snapped shut in shock, when Bilbo broke in quietly, the usually optimistic hobbit matching his pain with anguished doubt.
"This is my fault," he cried softly. "If I had just stayed quiet, I would have gone home nothing more than your friend, and you all would have been happy. I had to open my big mouth, reaching for things I had no right to. I was content enough on my own..." He trailed off, barely able to get the last bit out, as untrue as it was.
Fili found his voice again after a moment of dumbfounded silence. "That's not true. You and Uncle are meant to be together. You're the best thing that ever happened to him, even with all that has happened. I've never seen him happier than he is with you." He was thoughtful now, frowning deeply as he considered the implications of this. "Perhaps loving someone isn't all bad, if it is the right person," he conceded slowly.
"Then you will stop shutting yourself away?" Thorin asked, holding Bilbo close to silently reassure the hobbit that everything Fili had said was true.
Fili sighed. "I will think about it," he compromised.
Smiling in relief, Thorin pulled him into a hug, extending an arm out to include Kili as well. "That's all I ask," he murmured. For now, they were together, and it would be enough.