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All I want is nothing more
To hear you knocking at my door
‘Cause if I could see your face once more
I could die a happy man I’m sure
Buck walks up the pathway slowly, unsure if he’s allowed to be here. Eddie had said he was leaving the 118…he needed time…for himself and for Christopher. And Buck understood, he did…he’d do anything for Christopher - even leave the 118…but it didn’t hurt any less to hear the words come out of Eddie’s mouth…the same person who told him that he was stuck with the 118, that he was stuck with their misfit found family. The same man who told him that they wouldn’t go their separate ways and lose contact…even though it’s been four weeks and Buck’s heard from Eddie once.
When you said your last goodbye
I died a little bit inside
I lay in tears in bed all night
Alone without you by my side
Buck never expected Eddie to actually leave. He’d promised…he’d said that he would be there for Buck: you’re stuck with us. And Buck tried to give Eddie the space he needed…he really did…but he missed his best friend. And…if Eddie didn’t want to be his friend anymore, he needed Eddie to say it to his face…so that Buck could try to figure out how to move on without him.
It was doubtful he’d be able to do it…but he had to try.
His fist raised to the door…he no longer felt like he could justify using his key to Eddie’s place…he hadn’t been able to since Eddie had come home from the hospital after the shooting…because it wasn’t his place anymore - it was Ana’s.
Buck knocked, taking in a deep breath. After a couple of minutes, Eddie opened the door.
But if you loved me
Why’d you leave me?
Eddie looked good. It seemed that time off was working well for him…and that, at least, took a little anger out of his system.
“Buck? What are you doing here,” he moves aside to let Buck in.
“Thought I’d make sure you were still alive…you know, considering I haven’t heard from you in three weeks,” he bit out, standing barely in the entrance way…he didn’t feel welcome enough to walk into the rest of the house.
Take my body
Take my body
All I want is
And all I need is
To find somebody
I’ll find somebody
Like you, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh
You
Like you
Eddie’s eyebrows raised as he looked at Buck. “I’m sorry…It’s been - it’s been an adjustment since I told Christopher about leaving the 118.”
Buck’s barely able to contain the flinch at Eddie’s wording. He can’t meet Eddie’s eyes…it hurts just being in his presence…
They hadn’t been BuckandEddie since the shooting…and Buck missed it. Their closeness had drifted, doors slamming closed left and right and Buck didn’t know how to fix it. Instead of constantly brushing against each other, they were feet away from one another. Instead of sharing jokes and funny anecdotes of Christopher, Buck hangs on to any story Eddie would tell about Chris…because he hadn’t been able to hang out with him in a couple of months. Instead of talking about what they’ve been through, Eddie shuts him out and Buck is left to pick up his pieces and push them into the deepest reaches of his mind and hope they never come up again - except they do every time he thinks about Eddie.
“It’s been an adjustment since you were shot by the sniper,” Buck shook his head. “It’s like I don’t even know you anymore, Eddie. It’s like you left me behind,” even when you said you wouldn’t.
“I’m sorry,” Eddie sighs.
Buck scoffs. He’s sorry. Buck doesn’t need sorry…he needs Eddie to fucking talk to him. Talk to him so they can fix this chasm between them.
“What’s the problem here, Buck?”
“What’s the - we’re fucking strangers, Eddie. I thought we could talk to each other about anything, but you started to pull away! I just want to fix this,” he waves his hands between them, “I want to fix us!”
So you brought out the best in me
A part of me I’d never seen
You took my soul and wiped it clean
Our love was made for movie screens
“Buck,” Eddie sighed.
Buck shook his head, feeling the tears beginning to prickle his eyelids. “No.” He licked his lips, “no. You used to bring out the best in me, something I’d never seen before and now - now I don’t even know where we stand! I - I can’t talk to you, I can’t gage your reactions - or lack thereof. I don’t know what’s going on with you and - and you just left. You left! You told me I was stuck with you, then you fucking walked out on me!”
“Christopher was afraid that this Christmas would be my last! What was I supposed to do, Buck?” Eddie shook his head, running a hand through his hair. “It all moved pretty fast between me making the decision and telling everyone…I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you about it, okay?”
“I’ve gotten pretty used to you not talking to me.”
“Don’t do that,” Eddie huffed.
“What?” Buck straightened up, meeting Eddie’s eyes briefly. “Don’t do what? Tell you how I feel? Is that what you’re so afraid of? Are you afraid that if you talk to me, I’ll make it all about me or - or are you afraid that you’ll have to face how you feel?” One of Buck’s hands covered his face, rubbing at his right temple.
But if you loved me, why’d you leave me?
Take my body, take my body
All I want is, and all I need is
To find somebody, I’ll find somebody
Eddie pinched the bridge of his nose. “That’s not - I just didn’t think you wanted to bring it all up! It was a traumatic experience for both of us.”
“Which one? The one where I watched you bleed out or the one where I thought an escaped prisoner was going to hurt Chris and then - and then I hear a gunshot when you’re not in my line of sight and I think that it’s happened again and I couldn’t save you? Or how about Eduardo - do you even know about him? Man was shot and buried alive…seems a little bit like one of my nightmares come to life!”
“Buck-”
“I dug through the dirt with my hands to get to him…this time I could get to him…I couldn’t get to you by digging by hand. Bobby had to-” Buck shook his head. No reason to go down that road. “You act like you’ve moved on from your traumas…but I don’t think you did. You had panic attacks, Eddie. That’s not moving forward or however you tried to justify it…that’s your brain telling you that you need to deal with some shit…I was just waiting for you to come to me because we - but you didn’t. You got home from the hospital, I was kicked to the curb and - and that was fine. I got it, you had Ana and it was fine…but I thought you’d eventually want to talk…then you didn’t and I told myself that was fine, even if it didn’t feel like it. Then we were held hostage and I thought maybe he’ll talk to me now…but I was left to pick up the pieces myself. You don’t talk to me anymore, Eddie. You left me before you even left the 118.”
Oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
*Instrumental*
Eddie sucked in a sharp breath. Shaking his head he replied, “I don’t really know what you want from me here, Buck.”
Anger coursed through Buck’s veins. “I want you to fucking talk to me! I want you to let me in! I want us to go back to being us! You promised me that we wouldn’t drift apart, you promised me that I was stuck with you. You promised,” his voice cracked on the last two words.
“You are stuck with me,” Eddie states, tears beginning to build in his eyes.
“But I’m not,” Buck whispered. “I thought we’d have each other’s backs…but you left mine undefended…I get I fucked up, I didn’t protect you…but I thought we’d get to - to talk but you never…you gave up on me. You gave up on us.”
“Buck,” Eddie’s voice broke.
Buck licked his lips, looking at the ground before looking back up to Eddie, tears beginning to fall down his face. “It’s okay,” he shook his head. “I guess we just grew apart…wanted different things.” Buck but his lip, “I’ll uh…I’ll get out of your hair. Tell Chris,” he cleared his throat, “tell Chris he can always reach out if - if he needs me…only if that’s alright with you. If - if not…will you tell him goodbye for me?”
Eddie reached out, but Buck’s already heading back out the door, shoulders slumping as his tears fall faster.
Everyone leaves him eventually.
If you loved me, why’d you leave me?
Take my body, take my body
All I want is, and all I need is
To find somebody, I’ll find somebody
Like you