Chapter Text
"hey new kid, we're playing house, wanna join?" kyle broflovski asked. it was custom to ask new kid if he wanted to play, even though they all knew he'd just shrug and follow to wherever they were playing.
as predicted, new kid did exactly that, trailing after kyle, stan and kenny.
"we're playing at cartman's house. his mom bought him this kitchen playset which has actual running water. it's sick as fuck."
"and gay,"
"stan!" kyle gasped, affronted. his friend snorted at the action and continued trudging to cartman's house. everyone was slightly scared of what the boy would have in store.
"hey guys!" wendy called as she trotted over to them, going to play as well.
"hi wendy!" stan replied, happy to see her, whilst kyle and kenny just offered small greetings.
the ugly green house soon came into view, and the five let themselves in, heading up to cartman's room where they saw him, and everyone else waiting.
"there you guys are. god, we were gonna start the game without you with how long you were taking."
"hello to you too, cartman," kyle rolled his eyes.
"fuck off kyle. anyways, since this is my house, and my game, i get to be in charge. i think we should all live in the same house, so we should all be somewhat related. like the cousins live with us or some shit,"
"yeah, okay, that's not too bad,"
"so, who wants to be my wife!"
a few seconds of silence occurred before stan sighed.
"cartman, no one here wants to be married to you."
cartman glared before he caved in and said "fine, i'll be the grandpa or some shit. that gives me authority over you all anyway."
a slight sense of dread washed over the group, before wendy interrupted the silence.
"stan, stan, we should be married!" stan, though less enthusiastic, agreed they should play as husband and wife, so the two were decided to be parents, with stan being cartman's kid.
"tweek and i can be married," craig stated, monotone, and tweek nodded. cartman opened his mouth, and as if smelling the homophobic garbage from a mile away, craig shot him an icy glare that quickly shut his mouth. "fine, but craig, you have to be my son, i don't want to be related to that spaz."
craig's eye twitched in anger, but he chose to keep his mouth shut, instead nodding and grabbing tweek's hand.
"i'm not sure about marriage, but nichole and i could be dating?" token offered. cartman accepted this and so nichole spoke up.
"also, i could be wendy's cousin?" cartman narrowed his eyes at her, probably ready to make a comment on her skin colour, before surprisingly nodding instead.
"ooh! i wanna be wendy's cousin too!" bebe exclaimed.
"okay, but only if you're from her mom's side and nichole's from her dad's side or some shit," the girls accepted this and giggled at each other, happy for their pretend relation.
"i-if it's alr-right with you f-fellas, i want to be an uncle," jimmy stuttered.
"you can be our brother," stan said, pointing to himself and craig.
"timmy!" timmy exclaimed. everyone turned to jimmy to translate.
"he said he wants to be an un-un-u-uncle too," he replied. everyone accepted his new role with ease.
"can i be your brother too?" kyle asked.
"no kyle," cartman scoffed, like it was obvious. "you're a jew and so you can't be my son,"
"i could be adopted?" he offered.
"like i'd ever pick a jew," cartman rolled his eyes. "fine, you can be my son, but only if you pretend not to be jewish for the game."
"fine," kyle huffed, already getting pissed off.
"i can be kyle's cousin," scott lisped. "since we both have diabetes."
cartman, seemingly thinking this was the funniest thing ever, howled with laughter. "of course scott. see, i knew there was a reason i kept you around!"
"thanks?"
"what about kids?" wendy asked. "whose going with who?"
"w-well there's- ACK! four people left so, maybe we should both have two?" tweek offered.
"sure!" wendy agreed easily.
"can we have kenny and butters?" stan asked. wendy seemed to agree with this, so kenny and butters became stan and wendy's children, leaving clyde and new kid with craig and tweek.
"are you- ngg! okay with being a child, new kid?" tweek checked, knowing that sometimes everyone forgot to ask new kid his opinion, leaving the boy to have to do stuff he really didn't want to do. he flashed the okay symbol in response.
"what about age orders?" asked wendy. how old is everyone?"
after a short discussion, everyone agreed on an age order.
cartman - 70s
jimmy - 40s
timmy - 40s
craig - 40s
tweek - 40s
wendy - 40s
stan - 40s
kyle - 30s
bebe - 30s
token - 22
nichole - 22
scott - 21
kenny - 17
clyde - 13
new kid - 11
butters - 8
after that was sorted, then came the part that cartman loved the most, costume design. his play clothes in his closet were well taken care of and thoughtfully put together.
cartman went in first, emerging with the ugliest scarf known to man, and some fake glasses. jimmy opted to just wear sunglasses to complete his 'cool uncle' look, timmy just switched out his shirt, craig put on a nice sweater, tweek put a cream-coloured sweater over his button-up, wendy put on a dress from cartman's closet, though with it being too big they had to use an elastic band to make it fit better. stan was forced to put on a sweater by wendy, kyle put one on too, bebe tied a scarf around her neck, token decided not to change, as did nichole, scott, kenny clyde and new kid, though that got them all a death glare from cartman. butters was given a cartoonish t-shirt to put on, and that was that.
"wow, guys. really disappointed with costumes this game."
"cartman, we're playing house, not runway models,"
"shut it stan!"
"what should we do first?" kyle asked.
"well..."