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It was dumb, he knew, not what you'd expect under the circumstances, especially with them bleeding and all, but the words kept running through Carter's head, an earworm that just wouldn't go away.
{"You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, I'm telling you why - Santa Claus is coming to town."}
It fit the season, sure enough, with Christmas only a couple days away. And it always had been one of his favorite Christmas songs, that's true.
And it really did fit otherwise too. Yeah, they'd better watch out, or they should've at least watched out better! Crying might come before it was all over, and it was hard not to pout, at least a little, because it had been going so good, right up til HE showed up.
Because it wasn't Santa Claus who was coming, but Major Hochstetter who was already there, and Carter kinda thought none of them would survive that visit, not this time.
Still, that song kept pushing to the front of his mind, enough he found himself humming it, even singing it under his breath, enough Newkirk had wanted to yell at him, slap him upside the head. Though even the irascible Englishman had to admit that would be overkill; the krauts were doing more than enough yelling and slapping them around - he didn't need to be joining in. Still - {"Shut the bloody 'ell UP, Andrew!"}
Carter knew what Newkirk was thinking, even knew his best friend was right. Even if Santa Claus WAS coming, it was doubtful they'd be around to greet him when Christmas rolled around in another couple of days. At least him and Newkirk and LeBeau. He figured they'd have already been stood up in front of a firing squad, or taken away for some personal attention from the Gestapo. Maybe others too, though it had just been the three of them caught flatfooted on that job Hogan had sent them out to do.
It shouldn't've been any big deal. Just go get that list of stuff Hogan had convinced Klink the Kommandant absolutely HAD to have just in case any important officers or better yet, any beautiful women just happened to drop in for the holidays, jollying good ole Schultz along and confusing him enough to let them linger just a little bit at the entrance to that alley way. Not long, just long enough for Newkirk to pick that lock and drop off the information for the Underground inside. Yeah, it was a little funny that the Underground had that drop just next door to that guy who was a Gestapo plant, but stranger thing happened in a war. That had been okay, all of it. EVERYTHING had been okay, til they'd been herding Schultz back to the car to pick up what he'd supposedly forgotten. Then it happened.
They'd made it almost back to the car, were only two cars away, where they'd paused to see if they could tease Schultz into stopping for a beer along the way. They'd been seen AND heard, unfortunately, by a certain Gestapo major. Their uniforms were a dead giveaway that they weren't German, of course. LeBeau was recognizable due to his size and his French accent. Newkirk's Cockney stood out a mile, and Carter's jolly little story about "this neat little bar and grill back in Bullfrog, North Dakota" told in his midwestern American voice, hadn't left much doubt.
And from the window of a little restaurant across the way, an observer saw, sighed, and asked for the check, leaving more food on the plate than customary. A phone call, a hurried demand, and there was nothing to do but wait until help arrived. Hopefully it would not be too late.
From the doorway to Klink's office her voice ripped through the place like a chainsaw.
"So THERE you are! You see, Albert, I TOLD you they would be here, lolling around, enjoying themselves. And after just leaving me there to deal with the car by myself! While I suppose I could expect no better from prisoners, I DID think Sergeant Schultz would know how to show proper respect to a German lady, a general's sister!"
General Burkhalter, disgruntled, standing right alongside his indignant sister, looked at the scene before him. LeBeau was dribbling blood from his nose and one corner of his mouth. Carter had what would probably turn into an impressive black eye. And Newkirk, that impertinent Englishman, looked like he'd gone over a waterfall in a barrel of rocks! Schultz was red-faced and panting, his helmet nowhere to be seen and his hair, what there was of it, was sweat-soaked and spiking in an unruly fashion. Klink was all but wringing his hands in distress, Major Hochstetter was snarling at the interruption, and Hogan - Hogan was nowhere to be seen, having been confined to the barracks under armed guard as ordered by the Gestapo Major Hochstetter, though not without sincere protests from the senior prisoner of war.
"Gertruda, it does not appear they are either lolling or enjoying themselves. Although it does appear they abandoned you, for which I do require an explanation. Well, Sergeant Schultz? You were in charge of these men, I believe?" the general demanded while drawing off his leather gloves. "What explanation do you have for leaving my sister in such a predicament? Would it have been such an imposition on your time to stay and assist her with her vehicle? Did you have an appointment? Or perhaps it was these three prisoners who had an appointment, one urgent enough to leave a lady in distress on a side street where anything might have befallen her??!" By then the general was getting a little red in the face himself, and his voice had degraded to a sharp bark.
"Herr, Herr General," Schultz protested, shocked at the accusation. Well, shocked as well as bewildered. "They were in my charge, yes, but we did not - I mean, we WOULD not abandon Frau Linkmeyer! At least, we did not intend - - " and he looked warily at the fuming Major Hochstetter.
"Surely that is not of such importance now, General Burkhalter," Hochstetter growled. "There are more important matters to deal with, like these three, SUPPOSEDLY under the guard of this incompetent excuse for a sergeant, being seen leaving a back alley where they had no reason to be! An alley that held the rear entrance to - well, to someplace they had no business being either!"
Burkhalter frowned that impressive scowl he did so very well. "This was on Klink's orders, I believe? That was my impression. At least that they were in town. As to the rest, Sergeant Schultz did not explain? The presence of my sister and her car did not convince you?
"Schultz, you dummkopf, why did you not tell the good major why you were there and what you were doing?"
"General Burkhalter, I beg to report," Schultz stuttered, eyes dashing from one to another of the room's occupants. He was floundering, but gamely trying to do the best good while doing the least harm. That wasn't so easy since he felt he had dropped into the Mad Tea Party from that children's story; he half expected to see a rabbit in a waistcoat carrying a pocket watch at any moment, or maybe a fat dormouse resting in a teacup.
"Yes, Schultz?" Burkhalter growled impatiently. "You beg to report - WHAT?"
"Herr General, the major did not wish to hear explanations. He insisted I keep quiet, that each of us remain silent. As you can see, he objected quite harshly when we tried to explain," gesturing helplessly to the injuries apparent on the prisoners, his own disheveled appearance. While that was the truth, it was also handily vague, since there were so many things about this night he himself did not understand!
"Bah, this is ridiculous," Burkhalter exclaimed, only to be restrained by the firm grip his sister had on his forearm. Frau Linkmeyer's scowl was even more impressive than her brother's, and her lips were pursed with annoyance.
"Wait, Albert, I am the offended party here. I wish to hear what Sergeant Schultz has to say, AND these men. After I flagged them down and insisted they help me and they agreed, for them to simply disappear like that is unforgiveable. I certainly did not expect that, not after they had seemed eager to help, had been kind enough to urge me to wait inside in a sheltered place to get out of the wind until the repairs were done! Sergeant Schultz explained they were on an errand for Kommandant Klink and he would be annoyed if they were late, still there was no doubt in his mind that the Kommandant would forgive them if he knew they were assisting me. And then they just left me! Well, gentlemen? What is your explanation?!"
Klink was bobbing like a toy bird, "it is true, General, I did send them on an errand, the three prisoners with Sergeant Schultz to guard. But I assure you, Frau Linkmeyer, if I had known it was on your behalf they were delayed, I would never have protested, not one word. I assure you - - -" he gabbled frantically.
"Yes, yes, Klink, I can believe that," Burkhalter barked. "What I do not understand is why my sister was left sitting inside a restaurant for a considerable length of time, only to emerge to find her vehicle STILL in a state of disrepair and Sergeant Schultz and these men nowhere to be seen. Would someone kindly explain?!"
Surprisingly enough it was Sergeant Carter who chimed in, not Sergeant Schultz.
(Now, if the job had called for snark, or a cringing, subservient pose, even sheer spit-in-your-eye defiance, that would have been Newkirk's task. LeBeau could barely manage to be half-way civil around the Germans; this wasn't something he'd be good at. But in this case, distraction and confusion was what was needed, and for that, Carter was best suited.
"Well, General, sir, it was like this. We were out doing what we were told - that was before we saw your sister standing on the side of the street - and Sergeant Schultz kept after us to hurry and get done what the Kommandant had told us to. Well, we wouldn't want to disappoint the Kommandant, you know; he's kinda like a father to us, in a scary German prisoner-of-war camp commander sort of way, and that just wouldn't be right!"
Burkhalter growled, "Sergeant - " and Hochstetter interrupted, slapping the desk with one hand.
"We are not interested in your ramblings, Sergeant Carter. What I want to know - "
That fingernails on chalkboard voice interrupted HIM, obviously not caring what the Gestapo major wanted to know. In fact, she was quite clear about that.
"I do not CARE what you want to know, Major. Perhaps we can deal with that later," Frau Linkmeyer shrilled. "Perhaps you will let my brother, the general, continue in his questions??"
Burkhalter patted her hand comfortingly, "thank you, Gertruda. I agree that would be best for all concerned. Continue, Sergeant Carter," nodding at the wide-eyed American.
"Anyhow, when Frau Linkmeyer explained how her car broke down and asked for our help, well, gee, what else could we do? I mean, it coulda been any one of us's moth - " he gulped seeing that raised brow from the older woman, "I mean it coulda been any one of us's sister stranded like that! It wouldn't've been right, just going off to do our business and leaving her there like that! Just like it wouldn't've been right to let her stand there in the night air while we figured it out. Besides standing out there on the street is no place for a nice lady like her!"
His face was earnest and sincere, not even those tricklings of blood hindering the effect.
"But then, once she goes inside and we start figuring out what's wrong with her car, and figuring out how to fix it, well, here comes Major Hochstetter, and boy was he piss - uh, sorry ma'm, General, I mean, he was really mad about something, though I couldn't really tell what. I mean, we were just doing an errand for the Kommandant - well, by then we were standing there trying to figure out how to fix your sister's car - but anyhow, HE got the idea we had something else in mind, though what that could've been, I never did get. Anyhow, he's screaming at us in German, which actually I don't speak, having his guys poke us with those rifles, then he has one of them start slapping us around, and when we tried to tell him about the errand and Frau Linkmeyer, about how we couldn't just leave her there, how we'd promised and everything, he just starts screaming again and tells us to shut up or he'd have us shot! Even Sergeant Schultz!"
Carter ground to a halt, innocent look on his face. LeBeau and Newkirk avoided staring at him, even though they each had the urge to applaud what was easily one of Carter's more impressive performances. Schultz's look of panicked confusion, now that wasn't an act, but was impressive nonetheless.
Burkhalter glowered at Hochstetter. "Is that what happened, Major? Did you not understand they were assisting my sister? Surely it was not your intention to be so rude and thoughtless as to leave her in that situation? If you felt it necessary for some reason to have Sergeant Schultz and his prisoners returned to Stalag 13 immediately, was it so impossible to assign some of your men to assist my sister? Or did you not consider that? Or the inadvisability of shooting a sergeant in my line of command? Or shooting prisoners in the custody of a camp under the control, such as it is, of Kommandant Klink who is ALSO in my line of command? Perhaps you thought I would not take offense at such slights?"
Hochstetter was rapidly reevaluating his situation, realizing he was on very shaky ground. After all, Klink had confirmed he'd sent those four out on an errand, stupid though it had been. And, no, he hadn't really listened to what those insufferable prisoners or that idiot Schultz had been saying, but that he had overlooked them mentioning Frau Linkmeyer's name, that had been a major mistake, no pun intended.
Well, yes, he HAD yelled at them, told them to shut up, had his men get the point across with a few hard blows, but they should have INSISTED, continued til he understood that termangant was waiting in the restaurant down the street. He thought that was most inconsiderate of them! After all, it was no secret that an affront to Frau Linkmeyer was an affront to General Burkhalter, and while Hochstetter looked forward to the day when Burkhalter made the wrong move and was no longer in the picture, that day had not yet come.
Hochstetter smiled in an ingratiating manner at General Burkhalter and Frau Linkmeyer. It was a rather appalling sight, rather like having a hyena smile at you from the shadows in supposed friendship. You know the kind of smile - the kind that gives you shivers up your spine and makes you want to reach for a sharp weapon.
"I assure you, General Burkhalter, if I had realized the lovely Frau Linkmeyer was involved, was in any kind of distress, I would have been only too happy - - -" he droned on, and on, and on, until Burkhalter stopped him with an impatiently snapped, "very well, Major, I accept your assurances.
"Now, don't you think we have wasted enough time on your well-intentioned but misinformed actions regarding Sergeant Schultz and his prisoners? I will see you at the meeting in Berlin next week, I suppose. I would imagine you have a great many things to accomplish before then, so I give you leave to return to your offices and do them. I will just remain here to discuss a few things with Kommandant Klink, perhaps about sending the Sergeant and these men out on errands that might better have been postponed."
If Hochstetter wasn't happy about being dismissed in such an offhand manner, there was little he could do about it, and he stomped back out to his car and out the main gate. He intended to go back through town and take a closer look at Frau Linkmeyer's vehicle. He wanted to see for HIMSELF just how 'disabled' that vehicle really was!
Klink gulped. He'd been just as happy to be out of the primary line of fire for the whole loud confrontation, had hoped for things to remain that way til BOTH Hochstetter and Burkhalter had left. Obviously that wasn't to be the case.
Giving a sickly smile, he braced himself and quickly assured the bulky officer "whatever you say, General Burkhalter, of course; I will be happy to discusss anything YOU wish to discuss, General Burkhalter. It would be my pleasure, I assure you. In fact, I was just telling Schultz the other day, I miss -"
"Shut up, Klink!"
Burkhalter glared at Klink, then heaved a deep sigh. He really didn't want to spend any more time with this man, but Gertruda had insisted it be done this way. He hadn't asked why; his sister usually had her reasons.
"Come, Klink, let us go to your quarters where I might sit in comfort and we shall discuss this foolishness. You too, Sergeant Schultz, come and bring that schnapps too, unless you have something better in your quarters, Klink. No, never mind the schnapps," glancing at his sister, though not revealing that sharp pinch she'd just given him on his arm, "I'm sure you have SOMETHING acceptable there. Let us just go; I am weary."
That left the three prisoners standing there, bewildered at being left without guard or without being told to return to their barracks. They looked at each other, not seeing any light bulbs going off there either, then warily over to Frau Linkmeyer.
Gertrude Linkmeyer looked at them and sighed. She walked over to observe them more closely, then she took a handkerchief from her pocket and dampened it with a sloshing from the bottle of schnapps. Ignoring their winces at the sharp sting of the liquor, she gently dabbed the blood away, casting a knowledgeable eye over their injuries.
"You must be more careful from now on, jungen. Had I not been attending to some errands of my own and stopped for a meal, had not seen you there, had not seen that idiot Hochstetter capture you, just what do you think would have happened?" she scolded them.
"You were very lucky I was able to reach my brother, AND that I know full well how to disable a car. After all, it would be awkward if Hochstetter decided to go back and check to see if I really DID have troubles only to find the vehicle in fine running condition.
"Of course, I knew we could rely on Hochstetter and his usual shouting and refusing to listen; we must be grateful that he is predictable in that, even if that is the only thing about him I can see to be grateful for.
"No, I do not want to know what you were doing, what you had inveigled poor Sergeant Schultz into. That is not necessary, I believe. Just - be more careful. Much depends on you, and beyond that, call me a sentimental fool but I would prefer you survive this war. As your Sergeant has a way of saying, no matter your monkey business, you are all good boys."
A slow grin came across each man's face, a combination of appreciation and relief and a goodly amount of respect for the woman who played such a deep game with such skill.
Gertrude Linkmeyer sighed, reached for the schnapps bottle once again and poured out four glasses. "Now, what shall we drink to? Perhaps simply 'frohe Weihnachten', 'merry Christmas'. It is not so very merry, true, but it could have been much worse, you know."
Well, they couldn't disagree with that, as Newkirk confirmed.
"That it could 'ave. But there is recompense, as they say. We are 'ere and the good major is NOT. The schnapps ain't all that great, but it's not that bad neither. And do you see what I see?" Newkirk proclaimed with a smirk, jerking his head upward.
She frowned, as did the other two, seeing nothing of note in that direction.
"Blind," Newkirk sighed, "purblind, the lot of you. There, clear as can be, it is. It's mistletoe, can't you tell?" and pointed, as the others looked with confusion to the fluttering cobweb on the ceiling above Gertrude's head.
"Well, you know what that means, don't you? I might not be much of a one for Christmas, as a rule, but that's one part I always 'ad a fancy for," he proclaimed with a particularly charming smile, and took the first turn at laying a kiss on Gertrude's cheek. She flushed but seemed pleased if a little flustered, especially when Carter followed suit, even bending the distance LeBeau, now on tiptoe, needed to reach her cheek as well. At least she was pleased enough to return the favor, giving them each a kiss on the cheek, along with a fond pat. {"Yes, good boys, each of them."}
And if the sound of quiet laughter seeped through to Klink's quarters, it was ignored as being only the wind. After all, how likely was it, knowing Frau Linkmeyer's prickly disposition and the unlikelihood of the three battered men being in any mood for laughter or any manner of jollification.
Soon, Burkhalter and his sister had departed, while Klink had settled in with a bottle to try and forget the whole incident ever happened. When they felt like they could breathe again, after Sergeant Schultz returned and shooed them over to their barracks, Carter summed it up pretty good.
"Guess Santa Claus WAS coming, after all. Just, I never imagined I'd ever be kissing Santa under the mistletoe, ya know? Well, not just me, of course, we all did."
"Andrew, just shut up, will you? And don't you go around telling - - - - - "
"In the morning. I want to hear it all in the morning. For now, guys, just go to sleep, okay?" Hogan suggested. He had a feeling he really needed a good night's sleep before hearing THIS one. A good night's sleep and maybe a stiff drink. And maybe by the morning, Carter would actually be able to make some sense! Kissing Santa under the mistletoe??? What the hell was that about?
And he'd hear the story, if perhaps not the real one. No, he'd hear about a stalled car, an indignant German lady and her brother who just happened to be General Burkhalter, and a Gestapo officer who had overstepped this time, though nothing about mistletoe or kissing.
Whatever role Gertrude Linkmeyer was playing, it had already been decided it was probably best that Hogan not know too much. They were comfortable with that. After all, it wouldn't be nice to 'out' Santa. Not nice at all.