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what are we made of but hunger and rage? by cosmiccalamity (lostin_space)
Fandoms: 陈情令 | The Untamed (TV), 魔道祖师 - 墨香铜臭 | Módào Zǔshī - Mòxiāng Tóngxiù
13 Dec 2020
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Summary
That first night, Jiang Cheng didn’t sleep.
It was almost funny. He’d assumed this round of grief would feel the same as the other, but it didn’t. This time, he felt numb from the start. The only thing that shook him from his haze was the faint cry of a baby who wanted it’s mother.
OR
5 times Jiang Cheng relied too heavily on his nephew + 1 time Wei Wuxian was there
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'Carefully, with shaky hands, he picked up little A-Ling and held him to his chest. He probably held him a little too tight. Be gentle, A-Cheng, A-jie had said because no matter how old he was or how many battles he fought or how powerful he was, he was still young enough that he needed to be told to be gentle with a baby.
He held A-Ling a little tighter.
But A-Ling didn’t cry out or struggle or even act hurt. He seemed to clutch onto Jiang Cheng just as tight, his tiny hand wrapped around Jiang Cheng’s thumb with the same death grip he’d had the first time he’d held him. Maybe he knew, somehow. Maybe he needed it too.''“Get your thumb out of your mouth,” Jiang Cheng grumbled quietly, pulling his hand away. A-Ling swatted at him in response and maybe he was supposed to discourage that, but he nodded. “Good, stand your ground.”
And A-Ling put his thumb back into his mouth.''So, he did the only thing he could think. He screamed back. Loud, incoherent screaming.
A-Ling paused for a moment, blinking twice before a shit-eating grin found his little face and he laughed. He looked like Wei Wuxian. He stole the smile of a man he never met. Jiang Cheng felt sick.
And he screamed more. And Jin Ling screamed back. And he screamed until he fell to his knees and he screamed until he couldn’t not scream. Maybe Jin Ling was onto something. Maybe he needed this.
Except then Jiang Cheng’s voice cracked and his hands hit the floor. His eyes burned and he was shaking and the screams weren’t really screams as much as they were sobs, a gruesome mix that physically hurt him. And suddenly he was on his hands and knees and crying in front of his nephew. What a big, bad Sect Leader he was.
But at least A-Ling stopped screaming.
Tiny hands pressed onto Jiang Cheng’s cheeks, unafraid of the way he was sobbing and breaking and how he couldn’t stop.
“Don’t cry, Jiujiu,” A-Ling said, “A-Ling’s not scary.”''"Your mother dried us off and stayed until we fell asleep. She coddled us too much, made us think it was okay to be vulnerable with people if you trusted them. That way of thinking got her killed.”
...
“And your shixiong?” A-Ling asked, a bite to his voice that mimicked Jiang Cheng’s in a way that nearly made him flinch, “What got him killed?”
Me, Jiang Cheng thought immediately. He tossed the robe A-Ling’s way and sat on his bed, his body feeling too heavy to stand all of the sudden.
“His arrogance,” Jiang Cheng chose instead, “He was convinced he was right at all times, even if that meant abandoning everyone who cared for him. He was reckless and got people killed for no reason other than to be right.”'“Don’t let anyone see you cry this way ever again, do you understand me? All it does is make the people around you think you’re weak‒and, trust me, they go into every conversation with that thought in the back of their mind. Don’t prove them right. I don’t care how much you trust someone or think it’s safe to be vulnerable, don’t do it. It will always end badly.”
“Except you.”
“No. Even me. I won’t be here forever and I’ll do my best to keep in control while I’m here, but will never be able to predict when someone loses control and becomes someone they aren’t. You’ve heard the stories of Chifeng-zun and the Yiling Laozu‒two great men who lost control.”'Before Jiang Cheng could fall asleep, though, his nephew curled up against his back, small hands clinging to his robes as if he was a toddler again. A-Ling pressed his face into his spine, seeking comfort from the person Jiang Cheng had just told him not to be vulnerable around. It would get him killed.'
'“You shut up! You’re the one that, that turns his head off when he doesn’t want it anymore!” Jin Ling snapped. Jiang Cheng furrowed his eyebrows, looking up at his nephew. He wanted to ask what he meant, wanted to ask if he could tell when Jiang Cheng was losing time and how he could tell. Was he the only one or did others notice? Was that why Lan Xichen played for him?'
“But-but you keep… If you die, I’m going to kill you for it,”
“Please do, that’d be a show.”
“Stop it! Why are you joking?! You don’t tell jokes! You-you only tell jokes when you’re like this! I don’t know what Qi Deviation looks like, but… But if you’re getting close to that, then stop it. I forbid it.”
“You forbid me?”
“You’re not allowed to die.”'“It’s like you go away,” Jin Ling said without him asking and, not for the first time, Jiang Cheng thought maybe he’d done a good job at making his nephew better than himself, “And it’s hard to get you back. It-It’s not like you wake up, it’s like you only come back in little pieces. Wang Xiaoli always said you just had many things to think about and sometimes you focused too hard, but I think he’s stupid.”'
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