Chapter Text
THEN
Carry on, my wayward son,
There'll be peace when you are done,
Lay your weary head to rest,
Don't you cry no more.
Castiel was spending one last day with his nanny of most of his life, Anna. They go to the duck pond, not only for the sake of tradition, but because Castiel still loves it. After she left, his parents arrived home to inform him they'd found a male nanny to replace her.
Dean Winchester is said male nanny. Upon meeting the pair find themselves on less than amicable terms, however due to Dean's charm and belligerence, the pair from a rocky friendship.
After a brief stint in the nude, Dean earns Castiel's trust when he saves him from unwanted advances at a drunken party.
The boys grow closer through playful banter, sarcasm, and a mutual fondness of good food and music.
Castiel becomes a godfather to Anna's twins, and Castiel wonders if this thing with Dean is only temporary, because everyone leaves him. Dean reassures him that he isn't going anywhere and there are tiny, teensy little hints at something more. Of course, the boys are clueless.
Halloween comes and Dean finds himself skipping out on a party to chill with Cas, who scares himself by watching The Shining. Halloween is the first time Dean and Cas share a bed. Also, Dean teaches Castiel how to cook, a little.
When Castiel's parents announce they're spending Thanksgiving in Peru, Dean rallies the troops (Anna, Michael, and their twins, and Sam).
Sam, after watching the pair's interaction, concludes Dean and Cas are in a relationship and confronts Castiel, saying that it's okay. Castiel laughs in his face because what the heck?
The Christmas season arrives, and with it a surly attitude from Castiel. Dean realizes that Cas missed out on nearly as much as he did during his childhood, and makes up for it by buying him a pet cat.
The pair spend Christmas Eve and Day watching movies, eating, and napping. They also go to the duck pond at Castiel's insistence.
Boxing Day arrives, with it Castiel's parents, and death.
The week between Boxing Day and New Years is tense for Castiel and Dean, and things come to a head on NYE. Dean leaves Cas for some down time, Castiel pulls his shit together, and begs for forgiveness when Dean comes home.
They sleep in Castiel's bed, together. When Dean wakes up, Castiel is alert, but by no means awake, and it suddenly hits Dean like a ton of bricks -- he has feelings for Castiel. Dean sleeps with a random guy to try and shake the feelings off; to no avail.
Then, after some soul searching, Castiel comes out to Dean.
Sam shows up as a surprise for Dean's birthday, and Dean somehow accidentally admits his feelings for Castiel to his brother.
After that, things are kind of weird because Castiel has realized that he has feelings for Dean.
Dean and Cas go out for dinner and are mistaken by the waitress as a couple. Dean goes along with it, and the pair end up on a fake date that's not so different from when they usually hang out, and it screws with the both of them.
After the fake date, Dean seeks counsel from Jo, but after Sam is dragged into it, he's just grumpy.
The boys flirt harder than ever and things are said that make it seem like their feelings are reciprocated, but both of them have to many doubts and concerns to bring it up.
They spend the evening of Valentine's Day together, and things are said that basically verify that they're in love with each other.
Castiel finally gets up the courage to broach the topic with Dean, but never gets around to it because he's late for school. Dean is pretty sure that's what Cas wanted to talk about, and tells him so that evening, after hours of Castiel hiding in his room. Dean, in as many words as he can manage, implies to Castiel that he feels the same way.
They spend the rest of the evening apart, but not due to awkwardness or anything of the like, simply because they've got thoughts and emotions to sift through.
After Castiel falls asleep, Mrs Novak shows up and tells Dean he is no longer needed.
Dean, of course, panics, thinking that he's going to lose Castiel, who is upstairs, fast asleep, with no idea that tomorrow morning, he'll wake up to find Dean long gone.
Don't you cry no more.
NOW
Castiel glared at the canopy above his bed, absently scratching Dutchess.
It was relatively late in the morning, and he could usually hear Dean putting about downstairs by now. In fact, he was surprised Dean hadn't shown up to wake him.
Maybe he didn't have any right to be surprised, though, Dean probably thought it best to stay away.
Castiel sighed, knowing that he had fucked up once more.
He should have told Dean in the cab.
Or after school, he should have told him.
Or when Dean had brought him dinner, and had looked at him with pleading eyes, and had come as close to begging as he could get.
He should have told Dean that he loved him, especially after Dean said that it was okay, that he felt the same way.
Not that he'd specifically said that, but Castiel new what he meant. He could read Dean like a book by now, and even though he'd doubted Dean's feelings to start with, there was no doubt left in his mind.
He heard stirring downstairs and decided that the time was now; he'd already put it off for too long. If he were less of a coward, he would've had it said a dozen times by this hour the day before.
He padded down the stairs, his heart leaping erratically, ready to lay everything on the line once and for all, only it wasn't Dean in the kitchen.
"Mother?" He frowned, watching his silk pajama clad mother preparing coffee for herself, and only herself.
"Surprise!" She beamed at him, well, her version of beaming, which was kind of more like grimacing, after all the surgery and whatnot.
"I, uh, I didn't expect to see you," ever again, he added in his mind, wondering when she got in and if Dean knew she was here. Fuck, he couldn't tell Dean he loved him if his mother was here!
"That's why it's a surprise, Castiel," she said primly, pouring the hot water into her cup. "Happy birthday, my grown up boy!"
"My birthday--"
"I know, I know, it's next week, but I have to be in Japan then, so I'm here to celebrate now!"
"Really, you shouldn't have," Castiel muttered sincerely.
"I know, but I couldn't help myself," she sipped her coffee and surveyed Castiel.
"I mean," he continued, "not that it's not nice to see you and all, but me and Dean were just gonna hang out. My birthday isn't a huge deal or anything."
He and Dean hadn't actually discussed his birthday, but after years of disappointment, Castiel was hoping to avoid it as much as possible. If things went the way he wanted once Dean got up and his mother pissed off, maybe he could score some birthday sex.
"Ah, Dean," his mother smiled secretively. "I think you'll have to find someone new to hang out with for your birthday."
"What? Why?" Castiel demanded, a bad feeling settling in his gut.
"Surprise!" His mother exclaimed again and, yep, bad feeling confirmed.
"What did you do?" He whispered, unsure he wanted to hear the answer.
"You, my darling boy, are almost officially an adult, and adults don't need caregivers, or nannies! I let Dean go!" Mrs Novak said, clearly impressed with herself.
Castiel took a minute to process this. Okay, it wasn't so bad. In fact, it was probably a good thing. Dean was no longer Castiel's primary caregiver, which meant that a relationship could be pursued without persecution; if that was something Dean was interested in. Castiel caught the end of what his mother was saying, which effectively dampened -- no, fucking completely saturated -- his little spark of hope.
"-- So he's long gone! No need to worry about pesky goodbyes, I know that you didn't like him very much, so I made it easier for you. Now you don't have to pretend!"
"He-he's already gone?" Castiel asked. "He didn't… He didn't say goodbye."
"Well, if you were listening, you'd realize that was the point, darling," his mother stated, but Castiel ignored her.
He'd read it wrong; surely he had. Why else would Dean up and leave in the middle of the night?
What if… Oh, god, what if Dean had called his mother to come back because he couldn't deal with Castiel anymore? And he'd asked Cas' mom to spin some BS story to make Castiel feel like it was a blessing Dean was gone?
He pinched his nose and clapped his hand over his mouth, forcing himself to take deep, slow breaths so that he didn't panic and hyperventilate.
"Castiel? What's the matter?"
Castiel waited for his breathing to even out before answering his mother. "I'm fine. I'm okay. How long did you say you're staying?"
"Until Tuesday," she replied, looking faintly concerned. If it were Dean, he would have had Castiel in his arms in an instant, coaching his breathing, as pathetic as that made Castiel seem.
"Oh, wow. That's a really long time. You know, I'm okay; a big adult like you said. If you wanted to leave for Japan earlier, or make a stop on the way, I'd be okay with that. Promise," he offered, trying to put something other than hurt and bitterness into his voice.
"Really?" She asked, but he could already see her eyes glazing over as she re-routed her schedule.
"Of course."
His mother didn't bother replying as she grabbed her mug and took off downstairs, leaving Castiel to collapse onto the ground, folding his legs underneath him on the harsh tile, his elbows resting on his knees, his head resting in his hands.
He'd read it so fucking wrong.
Or maybe he'd left it too long, and Dean was sick of waiting.
Either way, he'd never, ever thought Dean would be the type to sneak off without saying goodbye.
God, Dean had become his entire fucking world, and in the space of a few hours, he'd disappeared.
He wanted to shout at Dean, demand to know why he left without saying goodbye.
Maybe he could; he'd been to Dean's apartment once before… But that was so long ago, and at the time he hadn't cared enough to pay attention to where they were going.
He could go to Jo's and demand… Something?
God, no.
Dean didn't even have a cell phone, so he hadn't even left a number for Castiel.
He obviously wanted to drop right off Castiel's radar.
He didn't want Castiel.
Castiel rubbed his eyes harshly, forcing back tears.
How could he be so stupid? Dean was a god among men and he… He was a dumb teenage kid. Of course Dean wouldn't want him.
He thanks his rude, cruel, unlucky stars that it was a Saturday and he could go back to bed instead of school with all of those annoying, gawky teenagers, any of whom he should have fallen in love with.
He dragged himself upstairs and threw himself onto his bed, burying his face in the pillow.
He was seriously not going to see Dean ever again, was he?
His mother left for Who-The-Fuck-Even-Cares-Anymore on Sunday morning, but it didn't matter. Castiel was still surprised that she'd remembered his birthday and shown up at all.
He didn't go to school on Monday, or Tuesday, or Wednesday. Dean wasn't here to wake him up or make him breakfast, while shooting him those looks that apparently meant nothing all along.
He'd gone to bed on Wednesday night (well, he turned the lights off and decided to sleep; it wasn't like he'd spent much time out of bed) with a vague promise to go to school on Thursday, but when it dawned gray and cold, he couldn't find an ounce of motivation.
He missed Dean. God, did he miss Dean.
Since he hadn't heard from Dean at all, he assumed the older man didn't feel the same.
Six months, he though bitterly. Six whole months, and Dean disappears without a word.
I ain't going nowhere, Dean had said. He'd promised to stick around!
Castiel had thought, hoped, that if Dean wasn't going to stick around as his nanny, he'd stick around as something more, something better. He was obviously completely fucking wrong, which, y'know, surprise, surprise. Little Cas left alone, again.
He hadn't left the house since -- god, he couldn't even remember. The food that didn't require effort to prepare for consumption was getting dangerously low, despite his general lack of appetite, and when he looked at himself in the mirror he was paler than usual.
He knew he was being pathetic, but isn't that how first heartbreaks are meant to go?
Friday was warm and sunny, but he managed to find an excuse not to go to school. He spent the day pointedly not thinking about his birthday, which was on the Saturday.
He woke on Saturday to the phone ringing. He forgot his troubles for a moment, waiting for Dean to answer the phone, but when the noise didn't stop, he remembered that aside from Dutchess (who was less than impressed by his lack of attentiveness over the past week) he was all alone, and answered the phone, only because he hoped -- yes, he could admit to himself that he really fucking hoped -- it was Dean.
"'Lo?"
"Happy birthday, Kitty-Cas!" Anna trilled over the phone. Castiel immediately felt bad; it had been so long since he'd seen her. He'd sent presents for his god-children's first Christmas, at the very least.
"Thanks Anna-Banana," he mumbled, less than enthusiastically, but thankfully Anna took it for his being tired.
"Party too hard last night, eh?" She chuckled.
"Sure," he replied.
"I trust Dean will look after you, then. How is he?" He could hear the smile in her voice and his insides clenched, and he had to swallow around the lump in his throat before he could talk again.
"F-fine," he said unsteadily.
"Oh, Cassie, you really don't sound good. I better let you go, I'm sure Dean's cooking up a hangover cure. Have a wonderful day, Mr Adult!"
"Thanks Anna," he said, and he really was thankful, on some deep level he couldn't quite find at this stage during his self pity.
He hung the phone up and looked out of the glass wall to the city. The park was just visible through the tall buildings.
Damnit, today was his birthday, and he was eighteen years old, and if Dean Winchester didn't want him, well, at least the ducks at the pond did!
Well, they wanted his bread, but whatever.
He'd deliver.
Today was going to be the day he left the house once more because it was his birthday and he wasn't going to sit around pining over Dean Winchester one minute longer! He was going to feed the ducks.
He nodded to himself and gently patted Dutchess, who wasn't really talking to him, but still likes sharing body warmth of a night.
He clambered out of bed, showered and shaved and dressed. He grabbed his wallet and made his way out of the apartment.
During the walk to the park he stopped at a bakery and bought a loaf of bread and a cupcake for himself. He didn't have anyone to share a regular birthday cake with, and he wasn't going to be that guy that ate a cake all by himself, even if he'd wanted to go at one and a tub of ice cream many times over the last week -- but not pie. Never pie.
He sat on the bench once he got to the park, deciding to take his time feeding the ducks today because they were the first live contact he'd had with anything outside of his home in a week.
He tossed small chunks of bread, piece by piece, until dozens of ducks were gathered around him.
He was halfway through the loaf of bread -- and hadn't even thought about Dean in a while -- when a bunch of the ducks flew away, and the braver ones just hurriedly waddled back a bit, making way for the newcomer with the loud footsteps approaching Castiel from behind.
Castiel couldn't care less about whoever was approaching, only that they'd scared some of the ducks away. He chose to ignore whoever it was and continue tossing bread so maybe the ducks would come closer again.
"Thought I'd find you here," a gruff voice came from directly behind Castiel. His stomach dropped, his head spun, and his eyes snapped shut.
Why? Why in the name of the supposed ever loving god was Dean Winchster standing behind him at the duck pond after disappearing in the middle of the night followed by a week of radio silence?
"Heya, Cas," Dean said, and Castiel jerked away as Dean's hand touched the back of his neck.
He violently tore of a chunk of bread and threw it bitterly at the ground near the ducks. Why, why why?
Dean moved around the park bench and sat down next to him, and Castiel felt his green eyes on him.
It was all he could do to not throw himself at Dean and beg forgiveness for a sin he wasn't sure he actually committed.
"So, uh, happy birthday," Dean said quietly after a tense silence in which Castiel ignored him and continued throwing bread to the ducks with a little more force than necessary.
"Hap--" Castiel cut himself off, biting his tongue. He wasn't going to bite at whatever bait Dean was setting.
He noticed Dean fiddling with that strange amulet he always wore -- how had he never asked about it? There were so many things Castiel never bothered to find out -- and focused his attention on the birds.
"Please look at me, Cas," Dean said in a small voice after about five minutes of nothing other than the noises from the ducks.
Castiel tried to remain impassive as he looked at Dean, but judging by the other man's flinch, he didn't manage it very well.
Castiel watched for a moment as Dean floundered, before the man cleared his through and nodded to himself.
"Well," Castiel huffed, tossing the final bit of bread to the white duck that had been hanging out in the back during the chaos, "I guess you're not gonna say anything. I'm outta here," he grabbed the paper bag with his cupcake and stood, but Dean caught his arm, and fuck if his touch didn't still send warmth through Cas.
"You know I'm no good with words, Cas," Dean said apologetically.
"You only needed to say one word!" Castiel turned around, glaring at Dean. "One word, two syllables, not a great deal of meaning unless you want it to have meaning! I thought I at least deserved a goodbye, if not an explanation!
"I hated you, Dean! I hated you, and then you made me care for you, you me love you, and then you left!" Castiel blinked hard, not allowing himself to cry. "You just left, and you didn't even say goodbye!"
"I thought… I thought it would be easier," Dean explained, and hastened to continue when he correctly assumed Castiel was about to interrupt. "It wasn't a goodbye. It was never a goodbye. I just wanted -- I wanted to wait until today, until you were eighteen. Then it wouldn't make a difference either way.
"I wanted… I couldn't spend a whole week with you knowing you were no longer my responsibility, not when I still had the moral obligation. I mean, obviously, I still do, but…" Castiel watched as Dean rolled his bottom lip between his teeth and tore his eyes away from Cas' for the first time during his little speech.
Dean suddenly stood, placing himself right in front of Castiel and gently resting his hands on Castiel's upper arms. "I love you, Castiel. I've loved you for longer than I even realized, and I thought if we waited just one more week… I should have -- I know I should have said something, I'm sorry. Your mom didn't want me to -- she wanted it to be a surprise. I tried to talk her out of it."
Castiel looked into Dean's sad green eyes and knew he was telling the truth, and he knew that on some level Dean was right, but still, "You… You're a complete assbutt!" Castiel huffed, dropping his gaze to his shoes.
"I know," he heard Dean chuckle, and he looked up again.
"You -- a whole week! And not a word! Dean, I --"
"I know. And I'm sorry, Cas, I really am. But I know that you understand why I did it," Dean said, gently grabbing Castiel's chin with his thumb and forefinger and tipping his face up so that Castiel was looking at him again. "I hated leaving you like that, I really did. Especially after… Everything."
"Dean," Castiel sighed, shrugging Dean off, "I just… Not even a message. You could've just said 'don't worry, see you Saturday,' or anything! Instead I've spent the last week second guessing every moment we've spent together, not just since the start of the year but since we met!"
"I know, I know," Dean said calmly, and damn if it didn't calm Cas down too. "Remember what I said? I ain't going anywhere. Not unless you want me to. And correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think you want me to go, do you, Cas?"
"No," Cas whispered, staring up at Dean, "I don't."
"Right," Dean grinned a soft smile.
"I just… It was always bothering me… I don't quite understand," Castiel said hesitantly.
"What's that, baby?" Dean asked, and Castiel, so help him, shivered at the term of endearment.
"I don't know how you fell in love with me," Castiel admitted. "Falling in love with you was as easy as falling asleep. I think it began from the moment I met you, even if I thought I hated you."
"I fell in love with you because you feed the ducks," Dean said, looking at Castiel intently, "I fell in love with you because you always watch the ground when you walk because you're afraid you'll trip. I fell in love with you because you run your fingers through your hair when you're nervous, or you're lying.
"I fell in love with you because when I first met you, you were a sassy little shit who had your heart set on hating me, but showed your real self sooner than I thought possible, sooner than I did. I fell in love with you for all of those reasons, but I only realized it because you woke up hard against me," Dean chuckled, and Castiel felt himself blush and buried his face in Dean's shoulder.
Dean's arms immediately came up to wrap around him and pull him closer. Castiel quickly returned the gesture.
"I love you too, you assbutt," he reiterated, before pulling away to look up at Dean -- he hadn't seen the handsome man in a week, after all.
"C-can I kiss you, Cas?" Dean asked softly.
"Oh," Castiel hesitated, and Dean immediately backtracked.
"Shit, sorry, forget I said that. We can go as slow as you want, I know I kinda lost your trust and I --"
Castiel shut him up by pressing his lips against Dean's. He had no skill, no practice after all, but he could feel Dean smiling.
"I… Sorry," Castiel mumbled, "I don't know why, but that question kinda caught me off guard."
"Don't apologize," Dean told him, resting his forehead against Castiel's. "God, Sammy's gonna wet his pants," Dean groaned, and Castiel laughed. Dean was probably right, he had a feeling Sam had been rooting for them since the very beginning.
"Mom's gonna flip," Castiel teased, and Dean groaned again.
"Oh, no, we are not telling your mother!"
"It's not like she'll remember who you are," Castiel said fairly, but Dean shook his head adamantly.
After a moment, they stepped away from each other, but Dean slid his hand into Castiel's free hand, the cupcake slightly squished but still in his other hand.
"How's this gonna work, Dean?" Castiel asked seriously as they made their way through the park. He felt Dean shrug beside him.
"We'll figure it out," Dean said confidently. "It's what we do. You and me, Cas."
"You and me," Castiel repeated, his mouth twisting into a smile. Castiel remembered how, even when they weren't actually dating, they were practically dating. This wasn't going to be that big of a change, after all. "We'll be just fine."