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He’d made up some bullshit about who ‘Golzine’ was. ‘Someone he lived with’. Rich adult who took care of him. Same BS he told Shorter, not entirely a lie. Though Shorter wasn’t content with that being the whole story. He knew of Ash’s assassination training to an extent. He knew Ash turned tricks occasionally. He didn’t seem to know the exact nature of the relationships, but didn’t pry. But Vivian…. Seemed to see right through him even with the limited information.
“Oh,” She had nodded, sound dying and fading off. She seemed to understand more than she meant to, but she didn’t bring it up again…..
They had been friends for about a month now. He was now running off her almost as much as he was to Shorter’s. Her family wasn’t quite as welcoming, but he was glad he didn’t read as a threat. They preferred him to not just drop in like the stray animal he was.
He hadn’t invited Shorter along most times. He didn’t know why the feeling was bubbling in his chest, but he didn’t want the other boy to know her better than he did. Shorter had a better personality……. Shorter was funny and normal. Ash felt fake in comparison. He wasn’t ‘sweet’ like this, ….but he wanted to be. He wanted to be anything for her. He never worried about being fake before; anything to make the men like him, survive, use them, leave them…His niceness was a trap. Now…. He genuinely wanted to be good….
He dug his toe into the floor and bit his lip. Did he remember how to be genuine?
He thought of Griff.
Maybe Shorter? He didn’t hide motivations. He didn’t want anything from those two, he wasn’t using them. But Vivian? He wanted her time…. He debated if she wanted him to have that feeling.
Today he had spent her day off with her. They went thrift shopping because she wanted to. “The ultimate test of a boy,” She told him, shaking a finger. He blushed.
It seemed like a test to be a boyfriend. If this was the case, he could just lie and agree to everything she said, until he got laid…. but Shorter had told him it was bad to use people. And didn’t want to do it anyways; honestly getting laid didn’t seem all that great unless you were a sadist.
He’d spent $5 on her at the triftstore. He hadn’t planned on spending anything, she didn’t ask him to, he didn’t want her to owe him. He knew all too well what it was like to owe someone for unwanted gifts. …….but the shoes she wanted were out of her price range, and “They were so cute,” she told him, “And in my size. It’s so hard to find nice shoes in my size,” She had already found the items she needed, a jacket and bag to replace her tattered ones.
He glanced down at her scuffed boots. She was right, he could only recall two pairs of her shoes…. Not that he was looking at everything about her or anything.
Golzine always gave him things he could get money out of, whether he wanted to or not. $5 was nothing, but he didn’t want to tell her that. He’s sure the hundreds of dollars Golzine spent were just a drop in the bucket too.
He wanted to be genuine.
He visited her at the store a few more time and she put him to work, pointing at some heavy boxes, telling him “It’s a man’s job to do it,” even though she was obviously bigger and stronger of the two. She pointed out his shortness of breath, making a lewd joke about “How will you ever please a woman with that kind of stamina?” She caught the box as it was slowly slipping from his grasp. He hated it, but she seemed to tiptoe around the sorest spots. Their hands touch, and she looked him in the eyes and together they guided it to a high shelf.
“I wouldn’t be pretty if I was muscular. I like being pretty,” he shot back. She made him lighten up.
She stopped moving the box. Offense in her eyes? She looked down at him. She towered over him, stronger build. He felt small. He was pinned by that gaze.
“….are you saying I’m not pretty?” An edge of callousness in that question. Smudged eyeliner from yesterday not fully washed off her face.
Oh…. Oh. “I-it wasn’t about you. It was about me,”
“You’re saying it’s more attractive to be weak?” it was a judging tone, but giving him an opportunity out.
Ash froze. He wanted to back into a corner. “O- Ah… Most people think I’m more attractive when I’m weak. It’s not like I could be strong if I wanted anyways, my body is shit. Short and thin like a girl,” He knew the words were wrong as soon as they left his mouth.
“What the fuck is wrong with being like a girl?!”