Chapter Text
Starnuisance: Grab a brown wig and a red jacket and meet me backstage
Douchepool: On way
Starnuisance: excellent
***
(lights up on Wade in a choppy brown wig and red jacket, standing in the middle of the stage with a cutout of Vision.)
WW: Oh Vision! How much I love you! More than your Android body could ever know!
(the others walk on stage and Wade looks at them with confusion)
WW: What are you guys doing here?
(Rocket steps forward and gives him a fist bump)
RR: We need your help, GURL.
WW: Oh whatever for?
(mutters to Rocket how sorry he is that he has to do this)
(Rocket gives him a look of desperation and does a tragic pose)
RR: We must defeat Kylo Ren, and you are the only superhero in the galaxy who is powerful enough to match his Force.
WW: I shall go with you on this quest. “
(to the Vision cut out)
WW: I must go, my love.
(Quill rushes behind the cutout and tilts it forward to make it seem like he’s giving him a kiss, then speaks in a Siri voice)
PQ: I understand, dearest.
WW: We must go to save the world if we must.
(at the audience)
WW: Now we are off to defeat the infamous Kylo Ren.
EVERYONE: (a la Potter Puppet Pals) Yayyyy, defeating Siths.
(they exit and the lights dim, then lights go up on the full gang sitting behind a huge Milano cutout, clearly being held up by Quill and Gamora.)
(Mantis turns to her non painted side)
M: So, how do we know which Imperial ship he’s in?
(Loki pretends to flick a few buttons.)
L: The on he’s in will have theme music playing over it.
(Everyone nods in agreement.)
GR: I am Groot.
(Gamora nods and taps Loki on the shoulder.)
GA: Thor is right. We need a plan. Any ideas?
(Quill nods and puts his Iron Man helmet on, the helmet bobbing around a bit as he speaks.) PQ:We’ve all got to go in where the Storm troopers on. They don’t have the Force, so we can easily defeat them and steal their suits. Then we can sneak into wherever the eff he’s hiding and Wanda and Strange can beat the shit out of him.
(He turns to Wade.)
PQ: Sound good?
WW: Of course, Tony.
(Quill does the “Hang Ten” hand symbol.)
PQ: Lit.
(Wade overexaggeratedly facepalms.)
(Loki tilts an imaginary steering wheel.)
L: Alright everyone, get ready. We’re entering the belly of the beast.
(Gamora takes a shot out of a water bottle cap, Drax elegantly combs his wig, Mantis turns to her green side and roars, Groot shakes his cardboard roll at the sky, Rocket unleashes some giant tasers out of nowhere, and Quill starts playing “The Final Countdown.”)
(Loki takes a deep breath and pretends to steer the ship into the Imperial dock as the lights dim.)