Chapter Text
'I always thought I couldnt fall in love, what with being Aromantic and all. Not that I wanted to anyways, especially after I lost... him but somehow it happened anyway'
I'm snapped out of my thoughts when I feel a firm hand on my shoulder "Jamie are you alright?" Comes Prices rough voice from beside me, I'd gotten caught up in my own thoughts again 'fuck'.
"Yeah-!" I almost blurt out before catching myself and clearing my throat "sorry, yeah I'm fine just a little tired from the mission today." I say, embarrassed about getting stuck in my head for the 6th time this week. "If you say so, lad," Price mutters taking a slow drag of his cigarette "you did well today despite the slip up."
My face goes slightly pale at the reminder, the thing is I had been too distracted by trying to get rid of these feelings that I hadn't paid attention and Soap had almost gotten shot because of me. And just the idea of that; of Soap or any of the team getting hurt because of me and my own negligence and inability to put asside my feelings to pay attention properly makes me feel sick to my stomach, he could have been killed. Because of my own faliures. So the reminder cuts deep, I let myself get distracted and it's all his fault for making me feel these idiotic feelings.
I'm supposed to be the best, the one always on alert, a 'guard dog' if you will. Even though technically speaking I'm a wolf not a fucking mutt to be tamed. Being characterised as such makes me want to tear through the persons flesh to prove just how much of a wolf I am, how much better than them I am.
"How're you feeling, Cap" I finally say glancing over at him for a second watching the way he exhales the smoke and how it curls around his face as the wind blows it away, the sight is infuriating, a sharp sting of rage shoots through me at the sight and I cant help but wish I had my own on me right now. The scene is so much worse because I normally always have one on me at all times but the one time I dont bring one I want one? 'God I could really do with a cig' I thought bitterly so without thinking... I ask for one.
"Got a spare?" I ask nodding toward the Cigar that rests between his fingers "Didn't peg you for a smoker, Jae" He says though a slight hum accompanies the nickname. Jae. Usually I'd correct anyone who even dared to call me that. The word should irritate me, make me snap at him for it but... I cant bring myself to correct him, I can't force the words out of my mouth, the way he says it with that soft sound at the end, the way he puts the cigarette in his mouth whilst he retrieves another along with his lighter.
He eventually fishes them out of his pocket and hands them both to me, I nod in slight thanks and light the cigarette before giving back the lighter. The relief I feel is immediate; it visibly shows in the way my body relaxes, my eyes closing in pure bliss and my shoulders dropping ever so slightly as I let out the first exhale of smoke through a half sigh, the feeling of having a cigarette in my hand, the smoke in my lungs is almost comforting.
I think Price notices the way I relax after the first puff as I hear him chuckle slightly beside me though I just ignore him and bask in how the smoke feels as it glides down my throat a very familiar feeling, one I've always been able to count on ever since I was a child.
The next hour was rather the same as most nights went when me and the captain would somehow end up together talking about the missions, he talked about logistics and how proud he is of how everyone is doing, we crack a few jokes here and there and then we head to bed.