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Blood dripped down from Lights wrist, trickling down and pooling in his hand. His heart was racing and the frantic apologies of the girl who had pushed him were muffled in his ears.
“Oh my gosh, I am so sorry Yagami-kun!” He was snapped out of his trance by the girl… Satou, right? From his English class? Grabbing his hand.
“Here, I’ll walk you down to the nurse, jeez I’m so sorry!” She pulled him along as he pressed his hand onto the wound to stem the bleeding.
“It’s no problem, Satou-san, it was my fault, really.” He apologized distantly, still in a daze.
When they reached the nurse, Satou apologized again, before heading out the door in shame. Light watched her go for a moment, then turned to look at the nurse who was bandaging his wrist.
“There you go Yagami-kun, make sure you change the bandage regularly, alright?” The nurse said as he wrapped Light up fully. “Ah, what an unlucky spot… hopefully your parents won’t think you’re one of thosekids.”
A took Light a moment to realize what the nurse meant, but he brushed it off. Light Yagami, son of Soichiro Yagami, was top of his class, social, and very mentally stable. No one in their right mind would think he would do something like that.
At home, he lay in his bed, the clock showing it was almost midnight. It was one of those nights, the ones he preferred not to think about, the ones where the height of his boredom stretched on for what he knew logically was a few hours but felt like infinity.
In this hazy, half asleep state, Lights mind would wander and he would think about the events of his day, and into the future he was going to live through.
He thought about how he will graduate, go to university, join his father at the NPA, meet a nice girl, get married, have children, and die.
In this hazy, half asleep state Light thought about how absolutely torturous it was going to be. He thought about how the thought of dating, getting married, and having children with some random future woman made him disgusted.
No woman could ever entice him in the way that he wanted- no, needed. Intellectual stimulation, emotional control, physical prowess, just to name a few. He couldn’t see himself ever finding someone that could fulfill his desires.
Light recognizes the under lying despair throughout his thoughts. He realizes the despair in himself in the distant way people who know they’re wrong but won’t even admit it to themselves think- a short flash of awareness that’s quickly snuffed out by the unforgiving ruthlessness of denial.
It’s late, Light is tired, and he’s in the bathroom and a blade is in his hand before he can even think. He doesn’t realize what he’s doing until hes back in bed and has already pulled his pajama pants down and the object is resting directly above his upper thigh.
Light Yagami is good. Light Yagami is smart. Light Yagami is perfect. Light Yagami knows where every vein and artery in the human body is and their names. He knows how to properly clean and treat a wound.
By the time Lights left thigh is covered in blood, his heart is racing and his hands are shaking. The world around him feels different, somehow. Everything is sharp, more in focus. Usually, Light feels stuck in a permanent day dream. nothing feels real to him, more like a sample of what living is.
However… there are flashes of what Light assumes is real life. Trying tennis for the first time, that one time he almost getting hit by a truck, solving cases. It’s like he’s been seeing in greyscale for all his life and he is able to see in color for only short moments.
This is what Light feels when he presses a blade against his skin. And it doesn’t fade. Tennis got easy, he doesn’t exactly get in life or death situations often, and there’s only so much you can do when you’re still a student, no matter how smart you are or who your father is.
It’s biological. The body senses danger and it reacts, sending adrenaline through his veins. The excitement wouldn’t fade. Light feels alive for the first time since he could remember. Blood glistened on his thighs, the little rivulets shining in the moonlight coming through his window.
Light suddenly wondered if someone were to walk in on him right now, what they would think. He knew about the kids who were simply unlucky, living their lives in a constant state of sorrow who hurt themselves. He knew about the attention seekers, and the kids who were under too much pressure.
Would that be what Sayu or his mother would think, if they walked in right now? That he was under too much pressure? That he couldn’t handle being the top student in Japan?
Would his mom start crying? She probably would. Sayu was stronger, she wouldn’t cry. At least not in front of him. She would just stand there, eyes wide with shock and perhaps with her mouth open, wondering how he could do something like that to himself.
Would they take send him to a mental hospital? Would they tell his dad? No, then yes. The Yagamis were respected members of the community, they couldn’t have their reputation tainted because of their oldest son going to crazy town.
Sachiko would probably call his father in tears and Sayu would have to take the phone from her and tell Soichiro herself, to which she would be met with stunned silence.
Light wasn’t quite sure what his father would say or do after that. Light realized that he didn’t know Soichiro as well as he wanted.
He abruptly got to dressing his wounds, ignoring the ache in his thighs. He had to get enough sleep before school tomorrow, if stopped sleeping he would get sloppy. Light Yagami doesn’t get sloppy- not now, not ever.