Work Text:
I want to kill myself.
…
He thought he was getting better, but those thoughts just wouldn't go away. He could barely get up in the morning, being a ‘hero in residence’ wasn’t all it was made up to be. He wasn’t Jesse, he would never be Jesse. Civilians didn’t stop him on the street and ask to shake his hand, they didn’t praise him like they did him. He couldn’t help but resent him, how could he not? After all, he left him to die, he saved a murder, he wasn’t a hero.
He shut his office door with a sharp exhale, his hands trembling. How could he have ever looked up to that man?.. Loved him.. He felt so stupid.. He wanted to cry and scream and tell everyone. But god, who would believe him? Jesse was powerful, kind, loved. and someone who was loved could never hurt anyone. He started to panic, gripping the meat on his upper arm and squeezing as tightly as he could. He slumped down against his desk, this wasn’t how he thought his life would play out, he imagined himself with a husband wife and a job he loved. Instead he was sitting on the floor of his office trying not to throw up right there and then. His arms dropped to his sides as his left leg bounced uncontrollably, his mind raced a million miles a second as his breath picked up. No one in this stupid town loved him right?. No one would care if he dropped dead right now, at most he'd be a headline for a week or so.... and then they'd forget, waiting for their savior to come home after he abandoned us.
His nails dug deep into his skin, leaving small identical indents all along his arms. Stella's voice rang in his head, maybe he really was stupid...
He punched his thigh as hard as he could.
-pathetic
Another punch landed on his leg, harder this time.
worthless
Tears started flowing down his cheeks, soft hiccups escaped him as he continued to hit himself. He felt a throbbing under his jeans, it hurt.... it hurt so good. It felt so deserved.
He suddenly pulled his hands back, slipping them under his glasses and letting the frames rest against his knuckles as he sobbed. He could barely remember half of that stupid adventure he went on with Jesse and the others, the one thing he could remember is being tortured while Jesse just watched. He almost died that day--
Radar's hands flew to his neck, he knew that oxygen deprivation would kill him for sure. He squeezed, letting out a cough as his body fought against him to breathe. He trembled as his head went fuzzy, he remembered this feeling, vividly. But instead of being scared he felt a twisted joy, he would be free soon.. His forearms trembled as he gagged and choked for air, his vision blurring helplessly. A small cough escaped his lungs as he slid down, his legs and core being too weak to hold him up as he started to reach brain death.
-THUD
He collapsed to the hardwood floor and finally went silent, the only sound that he could hear before his eyes blinked shut was the soft buzzing of the redstone lamps on the ceiling. His finger twitched and his ears rang, he hit his head hard
on the fall. his legs started to bruise
maybe now he could finally be useful
and someone would finally
love him...
Knock knock
"Hey Radar! I was wondering if you wanted to go to that place you like?"
... Knock...
"Hey pal, maybe you should take a break from work.."
...
"Oh... ..oh no.."