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Standing outside the closed door, Nesh took a breath.
Then another.
Her heartbeat helter skelter, her mind awash in concern, Nesh’s fist shook as she slowly raised it... and knocked.
“Enter,” called an impatient voice from outside.
As she entered the bedroom, her mask fell. Placid smile cracked into pained grimace, hands both safe and free met to interlock digits and squeeze for comforting pressure, and when she spoke, it came out not as the perfected servile register of a master-servant, but as her true voice, soft and fragile and broken. “Tana?”
The brightlady she served, the woman she loved, was bent over her desk, and plentiful strands of hair were escaping the braid Nesh had given her that morning. She did not turn around. “What is it, Nesh?” Before she could even open her mouth, Tana already barrelled forward. “If you're here to inform me dinner will be delayed, don't. Instead, go tell that slothful—”
“It's not that, Tana. It isn't... this is personal.” She stepped closer, and gently set an ungloved hand on her lover’s shoulder. “This is important.” It came out as the plea it was.
After a short pause, Tana turned, looking up to Nesh and... tension bled away from the tall master-servant as her brightlady became her partner, stern brows softening as she seemed to realize the gravity of the moment. "Is this a conversation for the bed?” She asked the question with just a hint of playful tease, of salacious spice.
Nesh pulled her to a place they could sit and cuddle close in comfort, where she could lean down and rest herself against her shorter lover.
With steady hands, Tana loosed Nesh's hair from the bun that restrained it, running her fingers through it, scratching her long nails against Nesh's scalp. It felt incredible, Tana knew how to make Nesh melt, and as she felt herself go boneless with sublime comfort, Nesh began to tell the truth.
All of it.
Where she truly came from, the parents who had loved her, the night that haunted her, the years on the streets, the adolescence playing for money, the mercenary company that trained her, and even the Sisters who followed her everywhere.
Tana listened, quiet, asking clarifying questions here and there, but for the most part, she simply let Nesh talk.
And when Nesh was done, Tana laughed, and hugged her, and showered her face in kisses. “Thank you,” she whispered. “Thank you for trusting me, my love. Now that I know the truth, I realize... I admit, how foolish I’ve been.”
“Oh, but Tana, you’ve never been a fool,” Nesh tried to protest.
“It's sweet to hear you defend me, but I would fit in perfectly among the Ten. I never should have tried to hide our love away, to pretend you anything less than my equal.” Tana kissed her directly, lips to lips, long and hard and passionate; it stole Nesh's breath away. “We can announce the causal soon, and then, I shall take you as my wife.”
Nesh was crying so hard she could barely see. “Truly? You would... what about your parents? Your status?”
“Hang them. I need you.” Tana pressed her forehead against her darling fiancée’s. “If I have you, I can do anyth—”
Someone was groping Nesh’s butt.
Years spent as a servant had made those twin globes softer, but they retained enough muscle from years as a mercenary that they held a fine shape, perky and proud.
Tana had a distinct fondness for them.
Eyes fluttering open, Nesh realized she was in a room, in one of Tana’s guest rooms, and her brightlady was currently burying her face in Nesh's tits.
For a moment, Nesh smiled, fond beyond measure, and thought about how much she loved this woman, how glad she was that she finally shared her truth, that they lived together freely as...
But... if that was true, why were they in a guest room? So no one could know they lay together.
A dream.
Naught but a dream.
Nesh’s throat suddenly felt tight, and her eyes stung.
“Oh? Darling, did I wake you?” Tana didn't sound sorry. She sounded frisky. “I hope you don't mind, I simply couldn't help myself.”
Then, to punctuate her point, she palmed Nesh's posterior, again. Squeezed. Let a finger drift...
“I, I don't mind Tana.” Her voice came out thick, wet, small. “I'm just happy you're here.”
No sooner had she spoken than Tana pulled away, retreating far enough back to get a look at her servant. “Nesh... dear...” She reached out her bare safehand and wiped it across Nesh's cheek. It came back wet. “What's the matter?”
It would be simple to say it was a dream. A silly dream. To placate Tana’s worries and focus on what was real.
Instead, Nesh chose bravery. “Can I ask a... hypothetical question?”
“You may,” Tana replied, one eyebrow arched. It was clear she didn't understand how this could connect to Nesh's crying, and a spark of impatience blazed in those beautiful green eyes. Yet, for now, she held any comments, and she waited.
“If I... wasn't a tenner, if I was...” Nesh tried to remember how she explained it in her dream, but already the details turned to insubstantial smoke, impossible to grapple. “...fifth dahn, like you, if I’d just been hiding that truth this entire time... would that change things?”
“If you were...” Tana looked her over, eyes trailing across copper brown skin, bound rusty red hair, curves and muscle and scars. “The same rank as I?” Her lips quirked, spasmed, as though she couldn't decide how to take the question. As if this were a joke, and she waited for the proper punchline.
Nesh nodded, and her tears started to flow once more, which proved a strong support to bolster the emotion behind her words.
Any hint of laughter or exasperation on Tana vanished, and she started to pet Nesh's hair, to coo and whisper words of love, of comfort, of commitment. “You are mine and I am yours, no matter what others see, this is our truth, Nesh you know that...”
But that wasn't what she needed. “Please, Tana,” Nesh whispered. “Answer the question.”
It took some time for the brightlady to consider her reply. She lay there, cuddled close, expression pensive, and she thought.
Then, she asked, “Do you want the romantic answer? Or the pragmatic answer?” Anxietyspren twisted into appearance around her, barely visible in the midnight gloom.
“I want the truth.”
Tana hung her head. “...for the sake of honesty, in this hypothetical dream scenario of yours, what sort of family do you come from? What would your finances look like?” Nesh heard the unspoken third question: What would be gained by being with you?
Nesh focused, closing her eyes and trying to remember. Her sisters helped, especially Ana and Danahui, whose memory of their childhood always proved strongest. “...let us say, about as wealthy as your own family, if perhaps a little more stable. A broad array of trading partners and...” Whispered strings reminded Nesh of another detail. “...with a fair few craftsman in many fields, able to be lent out or commissioned.”
These details gave something else for Tana to chew on, but not nearly so long as Nesh would hope. “I know what you want me to say, dear, but... even in such a case, even when there could be benefits to such a match... my parents expect heirs, I am their only living child.” Beneath the sheets, one hand slid along Nesh's thigh, up and up until it stroked and cradled a sensitive spot of her groin. “Unless you’ve been holding back, as impressive as this sweet thing is, it can't plant seeds in me, not ones that have any chance to take root.”
Nesh squirmed. As nice as Tana’s touch felt, her words prodded an old wound. “No. I... it can't do that.” She couldn't bear children, and she couldn't give them to others.
“It isn't fair, and I know it hurts... believe me, I know.” Now the woman's arms wrapped around Nesh, her grip tight, her face planted against Nesh's neck, muffling her voice as she spoke. “I love you, I love you more than anyone, but I have a responsibility, Nesh. I can't afford to be selfish.” Then her body jerked, and Nesh realized that Tana had laughed, a short and cruel bark. “You're so lucky... lucky to be a tenner. To avoid these chains that bind me.”
Nesh kissed her forehead, and soothed her with touch and with words, and she helped her lover fall back asleep.
The entire time, her Sisters played where only Nesh could hear, a private performance with a single point.
Nesh had already made her decision, but she was thankful to have sisters who could hold her to it.
“What is this?!”
The door to Nesh's chamber, one she shared with the household’s other master-servant, slammed shut.
Tana stood there, shockspren breaking around her head, and in her hand was a single sheet of paper.
Fearspren swarmed Nesh's heels. “I... I can't talk to you about this.” She turned away. “You have weeks to find replacements before our service with the princess begins.”
“I don't care about your service, Damnation take you, I care about... about us.”
Tana never spoke like this. Not so loudly. Not in a part of her rented abode where others might overhear.
The idea that this is how their love would be discovered, by the sound of it tearing in twain, hurt Nesh to the quick.
Arms crossing above her stomach, Nesh squeezed her eyes shut. She couldn't do this while looking at Tana, while there was any chance she could see the woman she loved fall apart. “I can't do this anymore. I just... I can't. It doesn't work.”
“Why not?! It's worked for so long, I... I know you're not happy about hunt for a causal, but you can't just...” Tana took a shaky breath. “Nesh, please... I need you.”
“...”
Someone started to tug on the back of Nesh’s vest. Weakly, plaintively. “I can't do this, I can't be Brightlady Tanalata, can't marry a man, not without you. I need you, Nesh, and I... please, please say something.”
“I'm...” Nesh accepted the verbal knife her elder sister handed her, and flinched even as she thrusted. “I’m sure you can find another servant to warm your bed, Brightness.”
For a moment, Tana froze. “Nesh... you... you know you're more than that, don't you?”
“...” Did she?
Was she?
“You utter fool...” Arms wrapped around Nesh's waist, she could feel Tana’s body pressed against hers, but what little sparks of comfort, of affection, of desire, that awoke in Nesh were overpowered by the tempest raging inside. “You can leave your position if you want, but stay with me.”
“While I work for another?” Nesh asked, voice soft.
When Tana shook her head in sharp bursts of motion, it rubbed her face and chin against Nesh's back. “While you work for no one. You want to know what I mean to you? I think... no, I know, I can find some way. I’ll buy you a modest apartment, somewhere close, and pay for everything. I would treasure you, Nesh, I would make you feel my love every day...”
She would keep her, as a prize. As a gem. As a mistress.
Hidden away, with no work to do, no life of her own.
Some part of Nesh wanted that.
But her life was not one she held alone, and even were her Sisters not to object, Nesh couldn't abide such an arrangement, not for long.
After all, how long before Tana used her position to chip away at her? Asked her to stop going to ‘degrading establishments’ where she met her fellow Fools? Guilted her into abandoning any other lovers, to be Tana’s alone to cherish?
“I love you so much, Tana.” It was true. Nesh loved this woman, for all her flaws. She turned around, and opened her eyes, and forced herself to look at the ruined cosmetics streaking across Tana’s face, smudged by her sobs. Then she kissed her forehead, gentle, and chaste. “I loved our time together. It meant... it means the world to me.”
“Then stay. Please...” Tana’s bare fingers and a long sleeve grabbed into Nesh’s vest, clenching it as tight as her own eyes. “Don't leave me...”
Nesh wavered.
For a moment, she considered abandoning her plan, refusing her new employer, staying here with someone she cherished.
Her Sisters didn't need to say a word to convince her otherwise.
Nesh decided that on her own.
Though it broke her heart, she pulled away, removed Tana’s hands from her, and spoke firmly. “Brightlady Tanalata, I hope you find happiness. You deserve it.” She smiled, and it felt so false it hurt. “Until we meet again.”
Then she left her quarters, and tried to return to work.
For days after, she watched as pleas and begging from Tanalata became scowls and threats, until finally only icy silence existed between them.
On the day her service with the brightlady ended, and she packed her belongings to leave, she didn't even see Tanalata.
It was the right thing to do.
Nesh told herself that nine hundred times in the ensuing years.
As if such knowledge could soothe the grief.
No, Nesh would carry that until her dying day.
Just as she knew Tanalata would do the same.