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All Harry could smell was smoke— smoke curling up his lungs as if he was the one smoking the cigarette and not his partner hours ago. He could feel it slowly seeping into his bones as Louis kept stroking his hair, whispering sweet nothings softly into his ear.
Louis’ touch was always so feathery soft and gentle that it made Harry want to cry, he was so content in Louis’ arms, he felt so safe and loved he could burst. Especially when he was calling him baby and beautiful and angel. Nothing could weigh him down— except maybe Louis’ stuttering breath before he whispered Harry’s undoing.
“I wish you were a girl.” he murmured as if it was something sacred, something that Harry should keep hidden, safe into his heart, along with every other soft spoken word between them in dark corridors and shared bunk beds.
Harry felt his heart drop to his stomach. A girl? When did his entire being— his gender start being a turn off for Louis? Was he too lanky and weird? Was his body too big to fit into Louis’ arms anymore? Was he too manly? Was he bothering Louis just by existing? Should he have noticed? Maybe a shift in the atmosphere, he could’ve changed. He still can. He still has time to make himself appealing and pretty. To be Louis’ angel again.
He slowly raised his head off of Louis’ chest, feeling as if he was carrying a ton of bricks. He tried to keep the tears at bay but he probably failed at that too because when he turned to look at Louis, he saw him make a face— a face at Harry’s tears. Harry felt so stupid thinking that somebody could ever love him for who he is. Fuck.
He tried to get away but struggled to hold himself upright. He needed to breathe and be away from Louis. He felt caged in his arms, felt unneeded and clingy. He needed to get the fuck up. Louis lay unmoving staring into the darkness as if Harry being this upset was nothing— as if he wasn’t affected by his tears at all. He felt his arms weakened and his heart heavy in his chest. He tried to push himself up but all he managed was a soft sob leaving his mouth. He was making a fool of himself over a small confession.
It wasn’t Louis’ fault Harry wasn’t a girl and couldn’t satisfy his needs. It was Harry’s and he needed to fix this, make himself look presentable so he could beg Louis to give him another chance.
He finally got up and headed into the kitchen, he felt as if he was walking on a million little pieces of metal, put there just to make him suffer. He felt his heart being ripped out of him the more he distanced himself from Louis.
He rushed into the kitchen despite his feet hurting and his head throbbing. He felt so dizzy, maybe he should get Louis. Maybe he can’t live without him and the distance is killing him. Should he yell? Was he dying? What the fuck was going on?
He was about to yell when he was startled by a quiet “Trouble in heaven?” and a smirk. He turned around and saw Zayn on the sofa with a cigarette on his lips, a controller on his lap and a smirk going on for miles.
Harry didn’t know what to answer. Was there really trouble in heaven? Was Louis done? Was that his way of telling Harry to piss off and shut up? He should go ask Louis. He turned in his heel, trying to ignore the newfound pain on his chest and went for the beds when he saw Louis coming out of the room looking all smug and beautiful.
He passed Harry and sat next to Zayn as if nothing had happened. As if Harry hadn’t rushed out crying two minutes ago. Was he so insignificant in Louis’ life? So small that Louis had already forgotten what he said?
Harry felt his heart get heavier and heavier by the second. Was he living inside his head all this time and Louis truly didn’t give a fuck about him? Was he just too happy to see the signs and leave Louis alone like the poor bloke probably wanted? Shit shit shit. Louis was probably telling Zayn how weird Harry had acted just now. How disgusting he was.
Harry needed air. And quick. He turned towards a window but slipped and almost fell. He felt so hazed out. As he tried to steady himself with shaky hands he heard a quiet “Well done your body reacted to that slip faster than your brain has reacted to anything all year, kudos to your reflexes,”
Harry wanted to cry. And air. And to cry. He turned towards Louis, defeated not even knowing why— almost expecting comfort or at least a knowing look. All he got was Louis stifling his laugh looking at Zayn with stars in his eyes.
Harry was gonna throw up. Fuck. His head was pounding and his heart felt too heavy for his chest to hold. Could a heart fall through someone’s chest? Was that even possible? Was it painful? Harry wanted to stop hurting— wanted to go back to being Louis’ baby boy and angel.
He just turned around and headed for his bunk bed with his head down feeling shame all over. He could still hear Louis stifling that laugh as if Harry was the loser they were making fun of. He felt disgusted with himself— too dirty and unworthy of laying in a bed still warm from Louis’ body heat.
Louis was happy and that’s what mattered— Louis being happy, even if it meant he’d leave Harry behind and forget about every single promise he ever made. If all it took to get Louis happy was Zayn and Harry embarrassing himself he’d do it a hundred times. If only that way he could earn his spot next to Louis as a second choice or even a third he would be ecstatic. As long as he got to see him shine bright and be happy.
He felt like an intruder in his own bed. Undeserving of whatever Louis had to offer, even if it was leftover body heat that was turning cold by the minute or just his smell. Harry quickly grabbed his journal from under his pillow and sat on the floor, afraid of messing up with Louis’ scent on his bed.
His fingers were shaking as he tried to keep his sobs quiet so he wouldn’t wake Liam and Niall up. He didn’t want to burden two more people with his stupid heart and feelings—he needed to get himself in check. After a long while he managed to write down what he felt and ended up with a lighter heart and a possible chorus.
As he tried to gather his mess he heard footsteps and panicked. Was Louis coming to yell at him? Was Louis going to break up with him once and for all? Was he going to make fun of him? Was he going to be mean? Harry really didn’t want to deal with a mean Louis, mostly because he would probably crumble and cry and be weird. Fuck fuck fuck. He still had all his stuff out, and if Louis saw he’d probably kill him.
How desperate could one be to go and write fucking songs after one minor inconvenience? Pretty desperate as it seemed. Louis would be furious if he saw his shit, Harry was so so sure. He was absolutely screwed.
Louis moved the curtains that divided the ‘living room’ and the bunk beds like he was a mad man. “Are you insane leaving like that?” He whispered as if he were… ashamed? Shit. “What is your proble— Have you been crying?”
“Wha— what no I just— um you know,” Harry whispered not daring to look up at Louis’ eyes, scared of the disgust he’d find in them.
“What that you can’t take a joke?” Louis scoffed and looked away from Harry.
“I— um, I’m sorry?” Fuck, Louis was so mad he hadn’t even seen his shit spread out on their— his? bed, he was getting broken up with and all he had to say was sorry. But he was, so so sorry. If he could take all his tears back he could, and if he could be selfless enough to actually be okay with Louis and Zayn laughing at him he’d immediately choose that version of him over the one he had to deal with right now. The stupid, needy version that Louis was probably breaking up with.
“Haz come on, Zayn made a joke , you seriously need to work on that sensitivity of yours, you can’t always hope I’m gonna be here to take care of your hurt ego.”
The emptiness that consumed him was stifling. He suddenly couldn’t feel his legs, thank fuck he www sitting down or he’d probably be on the floor right now. “Is that what you think this is? My hurt ego?” He muttered. “I don’t care about Zayn making any kind of joke, I care that you laugh at me like I’m some kind of idiot that doesn’t have feelings.”
“Harry what? Are you gonna tell me I can’t even laugh at jokes now?”
And Harry was stunned. What happened to his sweet Lou? The sweet boy that tucked him in each night and climbed up next to him with his inhaler always with him for the slim chance that Harry might need it, the boy that stood up for him when Simon insisted he sung while he was sick, the boy that always made sure he was comfortable and happy, the boy that he thought was going to marry. What happened to him? Had Harry done something? He must’ve, for Louis to be so upset with him, and treat him like shit. What if Louis was seriously done with him and that was his way of showing it? Harry needed to fix this now.
“I um— you’re right and I’m sorry for being so bitchy about it. I’ll try to find some help, I um really hope me being sensitive doesn’t turn you off now. Fuck. Does it? Do you need me to like, I don’t know, do something to make up for that? I think I can get Simon to let you and Zayn go out for a smoke more often, yeah, I’m gonna go do that.” He said and smiled popping out his dimples, happy that he found a way to make Louis like him again, because even if Louis wasn’t his anymore, he would always be Louis’ and he would always try to please him in any way he could. He got up and before Louis even had the chance to speak he pulled out his phone and headed to the bathroom.
Louis sighed and rubbed his face, tired. And then he spotted Harry’s journal on their bed. Fuck should he do it? He had already broken the boy’s heart so what was a small invasion of privacy? Fuck. He really didn’t wanna do it but maybe it would give him some insight on how Harry was feeling after all his bullshit.
He looked around and slowly grabbed the battered journal, careful so as to not destroy it as he had done with Harry’s heart. He cautiously opened it to the last page and found some verses scribbled down, with some letters wiped out by wet tears that hadn’t even dried yet. He caressed his thumb over a tear and started reading.
I saw in the corner there is a photograph
No doubt in my mind it's a picture of you
It lies there alone in it's bed of broken glass
This bed was never made for two.
He started shaking after the last line. How could he have broken his boy’s heart so easily? His sweet sensitive boy that loved him too much.
Don't let me, don't let me
Don't let me go, 'cause I'm tired of feeling alone
Don't let me, don't let me go
'Cause I'm tired of feeling alone.
Louis brought the back of his wrist up to his mouth to stifle a sob. How cruel could he be? But what was he supposed to do when he was told by Simon specifically that he’d either break up with Harry or Harry would leave the band, as simple as that.
Louis knew how much Harry loved writing songs and performing. He couldn’t let them take that from him. This whole thing was his life. Louis couldn’t let their love get in the way of Harry becoming the star that he was meant to be. So of course he agreed. What was he meant to do? He had to keep his boy happy and safe. But turns out he had done the exact opposite. His poor sweet Harry. His boy.
When Harry got out of the bathroom he was beaming at him like he was the sun. “Lou! I did it! And I’ll only have to pretend I’m dating Taylor in exchange for it!”
Louis couldn’t speak. What. Harry had once told him that his greatest fear was that they’d be forced to pretend they loved someone else, what had gotten into him now? Had he forgotten? Was he going crazy?
At Louis’ silence Harry’s smile started slipping off his face. “Lou didn’t you hear? You’ll have all the time in the world to have fun with Z and Simon won’t ever pester you anymore.”
“But H, what about you? You always hated the idea of this, what has gotten into you? You’ll be miserable.” Louis said his voice getting louder without him even realising it. His words showing care that he’d tried so hard to take back.
“I don’t mind. As long as you can forgive me and stay with me while I try to work out the sensitivity thing, or um— you don’t even need to stay, if you’re bored or whatever, just promise you’ll still want me after I get fixed. I swear I will never ever have feelings for Taylor, I only have eyes for you, but um— you don’t need to feel the same way I— I get it if you want to explore, with other people while I fix my problems. And I don’t even mind if it’s Z, I just want you to reserve a place for me. Please. I know I’m a bit weird and clingy but I promise you I’ll change and I’ll be better for you. I— Lou? Are you crying? Why are you crying? Did I say something? Why are you crying? Lou please. You don’t need to save any spot, I’m okay with just being friends, please don’t cry, please stop crying. I’m sorry.” Harry was panicking now. What had he done, what was he thinking telling Louis about Taylor? Of course Louis wouldn’t want him after this. Fuck. Of course Louis was confused.
“Baby boy why?” Was all Louis could get out before a sob clawed its way up his throat and cut him off. How had he managed to make Harry feel so awful, he now was suggesting they stay friends for Louis’ sake. How had he been so careless and pushed Harry to think he needed to ‘fix’ himself? Louis was the worst boyfriend of all time.
“Why what Lou? Why I agreed to do it? I just wanted to make you happy. I didn’t want you to be mad at me anymore but I understand my mistake now. I’ll try to find another way to convince him, I won’t ever be someone else’s. Always yours, if you’ll still have me.” He was shaking. What if he messed everything up once again?
“Sun. I’m so sorry.” Louis sobbed.
“No Lou why are you apologising? I’m in the wrong. You deserve so much more I’m the one who’s sorry. I swear I’ll fix this mess.” Harry was so afraid, Louis would just tell him it was over.
“Baby. No, you’ve done nothing wrong. I think I need to come clean now.” Louis murmured.
Harry felt as if he was stabbed through the heart. He felt his blood pooling up in his throat and his heart shrivelling as if it were an uprooted flower. Louis cheated. Louis was so bored of him that he had cheated
Harry had been too needy. Too clingy. Too weird. He hadn’t been enough.
“Oh.” was all he could get out.
When Louis realised what was going on in that pretty head of his, he rushed forward and grabbed Harry by his shoulders as if to wake him up. “No baby boy. This isn’t what you think it is. I—“
“Lou, I get it. I was just a bit surprised by it, that’s all. I forgive you, will we stay together? I can be more exciting or— or whatever you need, I just want us to stay together. Please.”
“Baby no stop breaking my heart. Why do you always think I’ll leave you? I could never ever. Please don’t put yourself down in such way, in any way. I would never do that to you. You never have to beg someone to stay together after they cheated of all things! Please H, have some respect for yourself. I didn’t cheat. I could never but I— I got a phone call the other day and I got told that um, how do I say this?”
“It’s okay Lou take your time. I’m here.” Harry said and brought his hand up to caress the back of Louis’ neck. A gesture he knew always calmed the other boy.
Louis took a deep breath at his boy’s kindness and continued, “I got told that I’d either break up with you or they’d kick you out of the band. I’m so sorry baby boy, I just really didn’t know what to do. You deserve the world and I just gave you nothing.”
Harry felt like he could breathe again. His Louis never wanted to leave him. His sweet Louis was back and Harry felt unstoppable. He didn’t care that Simon didn’t want him in the band. He just cared about Louis still wanting him. And he did! Because he never stopped. Oh Harry was in heaven. “Oh Lou, I’m so sorry you had to go through all that. I truly do forgive you. You did what you felt like you had to do in a very pressuring situation and I can’t hold that against you. I love you so much,”
“Baby why aren’t you mad? You should be the angriest person alive right now, I’m terribly sorry. I pushed you to the point you thought you had to ‘fix yourself’, to the point you thought I cheated, and you were okay with both of these situations, why I don’t know but you should at least be angry, hit me or something, I don’t know,”
“Lou how can I be mad? I’m the happiest person alive. I can’t believe you still want me after all this. I’m so so very happy. I thought you hated me, that you were mad at me. I’m so glad that you aren’t. I love you.” Harry was still beaming like a crazy man. “I feel like I can do anything as long as you’re there with me.”
“Oh Haz. You’re way too kind for this world. Tell you what, we sleep and tomorrow morning we tell the boys and we try to find a way out of this shit management we got ourselves into.” Louis said as he tucked a stray curl that had fallen out of his bandana behind his ear.
“Okay and for the whole Zayn thing I’m very sorry. I didn’t realise he was making a joke and I should’ve laughed with you guys.” Harry said as he fidgeted with his fingers, still anxious about it.
Louis was going to burst. “Baby I told Zayn to do help me push you away, it clearly was an awful thing to do and he strongly advised me to not do it.”
“Oh. Then okay I guess. I’m glad. Let’s go to bed.” Harry put his journal under his pillow and moved the pen to the bedside table they had on their side.
They laid down, Louis with Harry’s inhaler in his pocket and Harry with a smile bigger than the moon. Louis tucked him in and Harry got so close to him they lost track of which limbs were whose and they slept better than they had in the past few miserable days.
Nothing mattered. Only that they had each other. And they always would. Because when the band went into the hiatus Louis proposed and Harry said the cliché “Yes yes a million times yes” and they had the best wedding of the decade. As long as they were together and they had their friends nothing could ever go wrong.