Chapter Text
Months, it'd been months of going through the motions, per Dr. Aurelius' advice. Emotions other than fear and horror slowly working their way back into Katniss' life, the color coming back. The new green of the Meadow, yellow dandelions coming to in the spring, the sunset seeming to shine a warmer and brighter orange without the grim blanket of snow on the ground.
It felt or rather was selfish and wrong for Katniss to let herself enjoy these beautiful sightings whenever so many people, children.. weren't able to anymore and because of her. This thought made a weak tremble wreck through her body, visions of white parachutes and fire, hallucinated sounds of Finnick crying out for her, Cato's garbled cries as he's mauled, only a few of the things that show in her frequent nightmares. Nightmares that are made easier by Peeta's presence, by their new and yet familiar arrangement.
With Peeta's return to District Twelve, his planting of the Primroses, his bearings of warm loaves and cheese buns, the loss of the cloudy tortured look that had taken over his blue eyes, his ability of natural talk that made people feel good about themselves returning, Katniss had begun to trust him again.
Sleeping with the windows open in the bedroom upstairs, a habit now engrained in her because of Peeta's preference. Katniss had almost forgotten how her sleep bordered perfect, even with the nightmares, just because she could wake with him next to her, safe and in bed. Though of course, it was a bit different now.. she expected it to be different with him, he'd been tortured so how could he come back the exact same boy? The answer was that he couldn't, not fully.
When Katniss would wake up thrashing, sweaty and breathing labored, Peeta's arms would still wrap around her comfortingly, soothingly yet before that, for a fleeting short moment, she could feel his body stiffen, a frozen shiver because it was a natural reaction for him to first be scared of her now.
It wasn't Peeta's fault, it wasn't a bad thing, Katniss thought that this reaction was actually the right one, to see her as someone not to be trusted or admired like how Peeta'd done blindly before. And yet, even though Katniss knew that it was right for Peeta to see her realistically, she still felt an upset and gross feeling that settled heavily into her chest.
And so this was one of Katniss' silent predicaments with herself, the fact that Peeta didn't see her as effortlessly wonderful as he once did, didn't love her anymore when presented with the reality of her violent nature and how she, again selfish, kind of wished he still did. Admittedly, more than kind of.
It was only an unspoken wish that she kept to herself, it wouldn't happen. After all, she was sure that despite the tracker jacker venom manipulating his memories, the ones with her in them were altered to show her true self, which Peeta couldn't see unless tortured.. and that meant even if Peeta continued to slowly remember more of his own take and view of the moments, he'd still know reality's side, that Katniss was a brutal murderer and not just a starving Seam girl who could sing well enough that birds would fall silent to listen.
"Katniss?" Peeta's voice is tinged with concern and her attention is drawn back to the sunset that they'd been taking in together on her porch, since their arrangement of sleeping together through nightmares normally occured at her house, in her or their bed.
She doesn't want to look at him, to see his blue eyes full of genuine worry. Peeta's come a long way from what the Capitol made him into, now more recognizable as the boy with the bread who has a true heart, though Katniss will never be the same as she once was in his eyes. Inevitably, her gaze falls away from the sunset and instead on him, arguably the more breathtaking sight.
"Hm?"
"Enjoying the sunset?" The grin on his face is tentative.
Katniss nods,"Yeah, it's nice."
"Oh well, I knew you scowled alot but I didn't think you scowled whenever you were 'enjoying' a sunset too," Peeta teases, still a hesitant tone and yet his expression has a self satisfied look to it, proud of his own comment. Her eyes widened at the callout, feeling her face heat up before she scowls back at him,"Really though, what are you thinking about?"
Peeta only receives a huff as an answer, Katniss' gaze leaves him again though she can clearly feel his eyes still on her, a habit he's apparently never shaked, watching her. She gives another huff though words leave with it this time.. to swiftly keep the subject off of what her thoughts concerned,"Yeah, I get it from Haymitch, maybe I'll start raising geese too."
She's met with some silence, no doubt that Peeta'd find the idea of her raising geese amusing.. if she wasn't avoiding his question so obviously. Thankfully, he's never been one to uncomfortably force answers out of people unless it'd be dangerous without one, so Peeta takes the bait.
"Just don't pick up drinking from him too, okay? I don't want to deal with two drunks when the liquor's out and I still remember the shape you get in when you're hungover."
"What?" Katniss splutters out, her shocked gaze on Peeta now turning to a glare at the knowing look he shoots back. It makes sense that the Capitol didn't do anything to that memory since the knowledge of Katniss drinking with Haymitch and then Peeta throwing out all of the liquor doesn't contribute to anything, but she's still shocked that he remembers. Her words are then said in a grumble,"That was only one time."
He shrugs his shoulders at her and gradually, throughout their conversation about scowling, Haymitch and geese, the colors of the sunset have went from warm pinks, reds and oranges to a blue that will go from deep to deeper until the sky's a pitch black. With that, the two of them retreat from the porch, heading to their bedroom upstairs.
Because of the few hundreds of people that had returned to District Twelve, along with the newcomers, the reconstruction of the District was made hard yet relatively quick work. The town square was rid of all the blackened rubble, new shops built back and in business, like Peeta's bakery, which no longer only had a melted lump of an old oven in its place.
It'd been a pleasant day for Katniss, with Peeta bringing fresh baked goods to the house after his hours at the bakery, Greasy Sae making her rounds of bringing them a meal to eat and Haymitch even stopping by to mooch off of their food. The three of them ate together at the wooden dining table with easy teasing and talk. However, the most enjoyable part of Katniss' day was at night because despite the dread of the nightmares to come, she got to rest her head on the familiar spot of Peeta's chest, his arm wrapped loosely around her waist and her arm wrapped around his.
As they settled against eachother like this on their bed, which they'd done over countless nights together, she'd always see his natural caution, clear as day, whenever Peeta would jerk slightly away from her at the first contact.
Katniss hadn't really thought about it before, instead brushing it off and letting herself be content that he was with her in bed again, but now she was thinking more about it. Why does Peeta sleep with her? It used to be about how the other's presence would soothe the other after being awoken from a nightmare, but it couldn't be about that anymore for Peeta, not whenever most of his nightmares had to be about her hurting him, how could he find comfort in one of the subjects of his nightmares? And then, Katniss realized that Peeta was doing it for her gain, sacrificing his comfort for her. Again.
She blinked, lifting her head up from her spot on Peeta's chest so she could look at his face. His blue eyes were looking straight back into her grey ones, too busy wondering what she was thinking loudly about whenever he should be closing his eyes and getting some sleep before he had to wake up and get back to working at the bakery.
"It's hotter than normal, with all the snow cleared up." That was her excuse, for what she was doing, separating from Peeta. For the first time in months, Katniss was actually using the second pillow on their bed instead of his chest, arms to herself instead of resting around him.
It was a terrible and flimsy excuse, considering how she'd normally wake up in the middle of the night and cling to Peeta while drenched in sweat. But again, he didn't call her out, though a small crease did form between his eyebrows, staring at her in a confused manner through the darkness.
"Right, it is," His words were mumbled sleepily in agreement,"Goodnight then."
She wanted to reach out and smooth the crease between his brows, apologize for being strange, a liar and then go back to being wrapped around eachother.. but that would mean she'd be touching Peeta again, making him uncomfortable.
Adjusting in her new position, she laid on her side, staring at Peeta's abnormally long eyelashes as he finally closed his eyes, supposedly succumbing to sleep. It took Katniss longer than it normally did, obviously because it was easier to let herself submit to tiredness and welcome the vulnerabilty of sleep whenever Peeta was right against her, the small gap between them now made a big difference. Inevitably, her eyes grew heavier, consciousness slowly leaving her.
It starts similarly to one of the moments she'd been visualizing earlier in the day, of white silver parachutes. There's bits of children blasted right before her and splattered onto snow, a ducktail, fire engulfing her and then falling into the foamy sea. Whenever the white bird with pink accents finally lets her go, she breathes in salty sea water, waiting to be taken under and drowned by the scaled water animals that tear into her skin, yet again, death doesn't welcome her, like it hadn't in reality.
The difference of her nightmare from reality, is that instead of what had actually happened, being pulled into the clinical smell of the Capitol hospital, she's now pulled to the shore, though this isn't the shore of a natural beach like of District Four, Katniss is back in the Quarter Quell arena, coughing and gagging out what seems to be gallons of salt water.
Katniss knows this isn't real, only a nightmare where she had to relive witnessing, yet again,
the deaths of countless children and her sister, Prim.. and now she's found herself back in the Quarter Quell arena. As she stands up, soaked and sand sticking to her burnt body, her eyes trace over her surroundings.. stopping on a figure with a head of blonde curls, those blue eyes already on her. Yet they're not the old ones or the ones Katniss knows currently, they have the tortured cloudy look back in them that Peeta had lost a few months ago.
"Peeta," Her voice comes out distant to her own ears, everything comes across hazedly in a nightmare yet they never fail to unsettle and wreck Katniss at the reminders, the implications that they give.
He's a wounded animal and she is his abuser. Katniss watches his chest rise and deflate rapidly, his nails scraping deep caverns into his palms. In her own nightmare, this Peeta's having a more terrified experience than her and it's just because of her presence.
Whenever he lunges at her and sends them both tumbling into the sand, Katniss doesn't fight back, letting him scrape into her face instead of into himself. She welcomes Peeta's hands that are stained with his own blood as they wrap around her throat, crushing in the sides of her neck.
Katniss is taken away from the out of body view that she gets of her unrecognizable and clawed into face, her eyes slowly blinking open and adjusting to the different view now, a bedroom ceiling. Rarely does she wake up from a nightmare without a start, without thrashing around and waking Peeta with a scream that tears out of her. She understands why she hasn't woken up screaming this time, because most of her dreams are made to be terrifying, making her fearful. Yet this one left her with a different feeling.
The first part of her dream, children exploded everywhere, reliving Prim's terrible death, being picked at by scaly creatures and wishing for death to escape the torture.. of course, that was terrifying and had it ended there, she'd wake up as she normally did, maybe also sobbing out for her to die in replacement of Prim. Yet the last part, the sight of Peeta, him seeing her as his own personal nightmare, resulting to mangling her out of fear, it left her awaking with the same feeling in her chest that she'd been having increasingly with every realization of what Peeta's first reactions were to her meant.
Katniss didn't know what the name for the feeling was, overconsuming guilt that she made him feel this fear, rejected about how she didn't give him a sense of safety anymore though rightfully so, the feeling could fit a lot of different emotions. She did know that the Peeta in her nightmare wasn't the same one that laid next to her, the main difference between them was that the one in the nightmare acted out on his fear but the Peeta in reality was healing from his hijacking, less fearful of Katniss and selflessly kind to her, so much so that he was helping his own nightmare get through her own nightmares every night.
It was then that Katniss offically vowed to herself to protect Peeta again, like how she'd done with the announcement of the Quarter Quell, except this time she wouldn't fail miserably and she'd be protecting him from just herself and from torturing himself by doing things for her. Selfishly, she couldn't bring herself to.. mercifully ask him to go back to sleeping at his own house yet, maybe she'd fulfill her vow by slowly being less and less until he didn't feel obligated to help her out of his kindness, if she could prove she was fine with being alone, didn't need his presence to be sane.
Birds sounding outside, the sun slowly rising and its light raying in from the window left open, Katniss hadn't realized at first because she was so familiar to the feeling and also because she'd been so consumed in her thoughts, but Peeta's arm had found its way back around her waist in his sleep. Fighting the urge to lean into the contact, Katniss reminded herself of the vow she just made to herself and with incredible strength, she peeled his arm off of her and left the bed, making her way to the bathroom attached conveniently to the bedroom.
As she brushed at her hair, Peeta's sleepy groans filled the air, the blonde with mused curls sitting up, rubbing at his eyes before they met hers through the opened bathroom door.
Setting the brush down on the bathroom counter, Katniss smiled sheepishly at him. She didn't mean to wake him up, especially if he was having some rare nightmare absent sleep. That was the reason he was groaning, not because he was disappointed that they weren't spending their normal at least half an hour wrapped in eachother's arms as they woke up slowly together, that was something only Katniss was able to enjoy anyways. Peeta probably saw it as an obstacle to his day, or the homestretch to finally being able to get out of the house and spend time away from her and at the bakery.. until he was sent back to torture when he came back to her house due to their silent arrangement.
"Just getting ready, it's about time I go hunting," Done brushing out her dark hair, she slides a hairband onto her wrist before starting to braid her hair deftly, then sliding the hairband on at the end easily. Peeta's sleepy gaze had drifted to the way her hands worked, probably thinking about how brutal they were, how many arrows they'd shot off.
He blinks slowly, registering the words and then leaving the bed aswell, joining her in the bathroom and grabbing his toothbrush that stands in the same cup as hers,"You think so? This early of a start is needed too?"
"..Yes," She doesn't have any longer answer, besides from the truth and she's not going to say that,'Actually Peeta, the only reason I got out of bed is because I know how scary I am and I wanted to give you space but for some reason, you've followed me to the bathroom.' But that wasn't fair, Peeta wasn't following her, he just wanted to get ready too, even though his work wasn't for a while.
"Right well, I'm glad you're feeling up to hunting today," He smiled at her, before turning to the mirror above their sink and starting to brush his teeth.
Katniss didn't get out a lot, only occasionally going out to hunt, stopping by Haymitch's house or walking by the Meadow with Peeta but otherwise staying around the house because though things have gotten better, she doesn't have the energy to go out, especially not around the public. Besides, it's better that way, considering how she'd just be viewed as the District's lunatic if she went out to the town square.
After her and Peeta'd finished up in the bathroom, going downstairs to eat slices of toasted sourdough with butter and sweet jam, Katniss waves at him before closing the front door behind her, holding a bow, her game bag and there's a quiver containing a few arrows that's strapped around her shoulder. She's wearing her Father's hunting jacket, a small tied up bag with two cheese buns stuffed into the right pocket. Younger Katniss would never think she'd be able to have this much bread in a day.
It's her second spring back in District Twelve after the rebellion and instead of being sick and dizzy, like she was whenever she did her first hunt after her return, Katniss moves almost as swiftly as she once did through the forest, entering through the fence that is no longer able to buzz. She catches two squirrels and one rabbit, arrows piercing all of them right through the eye, her skill that Peeta had praised her on infront of Haymitch, when she thought he was insulting her, plotting to kill her then.
That thought is what makes her start to feel sick again, though not from nausea like before. She'd taken it all for granted, what could she do to make Peeta think she was wonderful again? Nothing, that's why she should be sparing him from her torturous presence.
While walking and climbing hills, unconsciously, Katniss finds herself coming up to their place, the rock ledge that overlooks the valley with the berry bushes that conceal it.. and because she's hunting with the absence of her old hunting companion and at their place, her thoughts drift to Gale. She remembers what Greasy Sae had said about him, in District Two, a fancy job and on television. Katniss doesn't watch the television, it hasn't been turned on since there's no longer anything mandatory to watch. She feels the same relief that she felt whenever Greasy Sae had told her this about him, no hatred or longing. It's hard to miss someone whenever she can't forgive him and so, she doesn't miss Gale.
It's around late afternoon and Katniss has decided to spend longer out hunting than she normally would, not because she's hung up on catching some more game, but because Peeta's probably done at the bakery and he deserves to have some time at the house without her plaguing him. After eating the two cheese buns that she'd stuffed into the small bag in her right pocket, she leaves her and her old friend's meeting place. Gaining two more squirrels to drop into her bag, she then starts her trek to leave the woods completely.
As she makes her way down the path that goes between every house in Victor's Village, already finished with emptying her game bag at Greasy Sae's new stand, stepping onto her front porch and opening the door, she doesn't expect to see Peeta pacing almost frantically around their living room, though he finally stops whenever the door creaks in it's opening.
Her eyes drop to where he's digging his nails into his palms, similar to how he did in her nightmare, holding himself together with the tinge of pain, like how he'd dig his wrists into the cuffs until they opened bloodily. What was he struggling to hold himself together about? Had he taken a nap and gotten a nightmare, maybe about her? The absence of the chair he'd normally cling to makes her think his frantic demeanor is about something else.
"Katniss," He breathes out her name with what almost sounds like relief, meeting her at the doorway and wrapping his arms around her. Katniss notices how he doesn't flinch at the first contact of their skin together, yet she doesn't test her luck, keeping her arms to her sides. Peeta's leaning down to rest his head in the crook of her neck as his arms stay around her, embracing her as he sighs out,"You're okay, what took you so long? It's dark out and you-.. I was worried."
A pang of guilt rushes through her, feeling the back of her ears heat up in the shame that she feels at making good-natured Peeta worry about her. Like earlier, when they were in bed, she wants to lean into him, to wrap her arms around him aswell.. but instead, Katniss lets her empty game bag drop to the floor as her hands come up to lightly push at his chest, shifting away from him as she does.
"I'm fine, I didn't run into any trouble," Katniss reassured him, her gaze settling on the living room behind him, not wanting to look at him in her guilt. Laying on the coffee table in front of the couch was a length of rope, a few knots in it, like what Finnick would do to try and cling onto his tiniest bits of sanity,"Are you okay?"
When her gaze returns to him, Peeta has a strange look on his face. She's still distancing away from him and pushing herself back to the door in hopes to make him more comfortable. In return, his arms fall away from her and he steps back himself. Instead of saying something that would help Katniss understand what he's thinking about, he says,"Of course, I always am when you're around."
Peeta's answer doesn't make sense, since she's the one that tortures him in most nightmares, the one that scares him. She supposes that he only said that for an attempt at normalcy, like the words he'd said when they were by the stream, inside of the cave, alone in the train's bedroom together, countless of times where he'd say words like these ones except the difference now is that Katniss would reciprocate them, say these words back, but another big difference is that she knows that the Peeta now won't be able to, not able to mean them.
She can't control the small frown on her lips and she doesn't want to be near him right now, not whenever she knows he doesn't want her to be, when she knows he's not able to love her the same anymore. Katniss doesn't respond and she's about to walk past him, maybe to go upstairs, lock herself in the bathroom connected to their bedroom, but then he's speaking again.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to make it weird," The sad seeming smile on his face is out of pity for her, maybe he knows about her predicament, her silent wish,"Do you want to try something I made earlier? I don't think they even made these at the Capitol."
She's tempted to say yes, who would deny Peeta's great baking? But the thought of him wasting time and ingredients on her, how the cheese buns and pastries he brings to her are never leftovers from the end of a bakery day, instead always warm and fresh, she feels too sick with herself and so Katniss shakes her head at him.
"You should save your baking for the bakery." The public is more deserving than she is for his pastries, for him. And then she does walk past him, this time he doesn't speak again.
Katniss doesn't know what time he comes to their bedroom, but she's only able to reach sleep whenever his familiar weight is next to her on the mattress, though they're not pressed together like usual. How will she be able to ask him to return to his own house, if she can't even comfortably keep her eyes closed without him there anymore..