Chapter Text
What Jeonghan remembers the most from their coming out isn’t the bear hug they received from Mingyu, or the tears shed by Soonyoung and Seungkwan, nor the smiles or the teasing or the sheer love they were met with. No, what he remembers the most is the way Chan went quiet.
The way he had stared at them silently, not smiling, not frowning, just standing there blankly. Jeonghan recalls how offputting it had felt in the moment for the resident mood maker of the group to suddenly have nothing to say to them, not even a smile or a nod in their direction. But at the time he had chosen to look past it, noting it down as their maknae being shocked by the reveal and struggling to process it; they would give him all the time he needed to come to terms with it.
At least that’s what he had graciously decided back when he thought the time needed would be approximately 24 hours and some change; moving into week two since their coming out Jeonghan is starting to think this might be a bigger issue than he first imagined.
Chan doesn’t really say anything for the first few days. Where everyone else is more than vocal with their happiness and praise for the couple, Chan simply keeps to the sidelines, never leaving their space but never making his presence known either. Eventually, when the hype dies down and the rest of them seem to realize that nothing has really changed, Jeonghan starts to pay more attention to Chan. Noticing the way he averts his gaze when he and Seungcheol kiss, the way he walks out of the living room when they’re cuddled up on the couch, the way he dodges their hugs and ducks away when they try to ruffle his hair. As much as he wishes for things to be different, the implication of these actions has Jeonghan’s heart breaking into pieces.
He gets the final confirmation that something is well and truly wrong when they’re given their hotel rooms for a weekend away. They’re all split into rooms of two except for the resident couple and their maknae, “they were unfortunately out of all the other rooms, but it’s a suite so you’ll have plenty of space, Chan-ah,” their manager had chuckled before handing out their keys.
“We’ll meet in the lobby tomorrow at 6 and head over to-”
“Can I switch rooms?” Chan had asked, effectively cutting their manager off and drawing the attention of everyone towards him. “I can just squeeze in with Seungkwannie, right hyung?”
Seungkwan had, with his hands clenched tightly and a look thrown toward the couple, nodded his head and given him a tense smile, “sure,” he’d said and Chan had picked his bag up with haste. “Great,” and that had been that.
Later, when Jeonghan and Seungcheol had both come down from their highs, the feeling of unfathomable sadness had hit him tenfold. “Do you think he hates us?” Jeonghan had cried on top of Seungcheol’s chest, breath catching in his chest at the very thought of them losing their youngest because of their own happiness. His boyfriend had pulled him tighter to him, ignoring the fluids painting their stomachs and the stickiness of their bodies to comfort his love, “no, I don’t think so baby, I think he’s just confused.”
“What is so confusing about love?” Jeonghan had snivelled and buried his face in the crook of Seungcheol’s neck, wishing for things to go back to how they were.
Things don’t get better after that, but he can’t really claim that they get any worse either. Chan simply keeps to himself and doesn’t bother them nor does he ask to be bothered by them either. He never says anything, which is half the problem. Jeonghan would've preferred if Chan had been open with his dislike for them, or at least he thinks that would've been easier to handle than him ignoring them. Isn’t that what they say? The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference. That feels infinitely worse.
The past two weeks have been some of the most confusing times in Chan’s life. Not only has his two oldest hyungs announced their relationship and their love for each other, but he’s also suddenly been confronted with the very real possibility of actually dating another idol and all that that entails. Before all this it felt impossible to imagine any of them dating where he could bear witness, of course he’s aware of his hyungs past relationships and hookups, but they’ve always been fleeting and out of his sight. Chan hasn’t seen true affection in real life since he was a young child living at home.
It’s shocking and a little jarring and a tiny bit disturbing. He’s working on the disturbing part, he doesn’t want to come off as the biggest prude to the others but can they really blame him? He’s been an idol longer than he hasn’t, never really dated and definitely never slept around. Suddenly being accosted with the view of two people he has viewed as brothers for the better part of his life kissing on the couch is bound to be shocking to most people. The others surely seem better at handling their shock, but Chan’s not them. He just needs a little time.
He’s definitely gonna talk to them soon and properly congratulate them, maybe even ask questions if he can get the words out without stuttering and blushing. The thought of them cooing and viewing him as a child is not a fun one but he’s well aware that they would be fully justified, he’s been acting a little childish the past couple of weeks.
“I’m gonna head to the bathroom,” he announces the moment they enter their dressing room backstage and he gets a few halfhearted grunts as he exits the room, they’re all tired after their performance although Chan knows most of them have been more than a little off the past few days. Not quite ignoring or avoiding him but more so not really engaging with him. It’ll definitely get better as soon as they’re done with the comeback promotions, he tells himself as he does his business in the bathroom and washes his hands.
On the way back he’s about to round a corner toward their dressing room when a comment stops him in his tracks. “-seventeen? yeah, it’s disgusting!”
Frowning, Chan turns around to see two of their seniors coming down the corridor. “If that was my group I would legit have to quit, I mean, imagine the stress of sharing a dressing room or worse- a hotel! That’s terrifying,” Chan can’t quite believe what he’s hearing, they can’t possibly be saying what he thinks they’re saying.
“No actually, makes me gag just thinking about it. And imagine their bandmates having to witness all that, skinship for the fans is bad enough but dating a dude? I would kill myself,” one of them laughs loudly and the other slaps him on the shoulder. Chan sees red.
“What the fuck did you just say?” both of the men stop in their tracks, shocked that Chan has overheard their conversation or by him shouting at them Chan can’t quite tell, either way it takes them a moment to gather themselves.
“Excuse me?” the taller one that Chan recognizes as Siwon asks, “is that any way to talk to a sunbae?” he continues and Chan rolls his eyes and walks toward them. “I’ll talk to you however I want when you’re spewing bullshit like that,” he comes to a stop right in front of them and looks up to meet Siwon’s shocked eyes.
“Wow, you really have no respect, you little shit,” he spits, scoffing and looking around the corridor as if an entourage of bullies are gonna come and back him up, as if this is a bad k-drama. But nothing like that happens, not even his friend who Chan doesn’t even recognize says anything.
“You’re really gonna do this? Scold me for telling the truth?” Siwon leans forward condescendingly, as if he’s a teacher berating a child, “does it upset you to hear what a normal person thinks? Hmm?” Chan’s hands tremble with anger as he stares at the man in front of him.
“Does it bother you to hear that people like that don’t belong in the industry? That the way they live is disgusting and sinful?” Siwon taunts gleefully, seeing the effect it has on Chan. “Maybe people in your group are too afraid to say it, so I’ll speak for them when I say that people like that need to be put down like the dogs that they are-”
Chan’s body moves before his mind has enough time to register what he’s doing and Siwon goes flying into his friend behind him who has silently been backing away. Chan’s whole body is vibrating with anger as he stares at Siwon being stabilized by his cowardly friend. “Did you just fucking push me?” he sneers and before Chan can manage to think of a clever comeback a fist comes flying, hitting him straight in the nose and sending him tumbling down on the floor. “Fuck,” he moans when his nose immediately begins pouring blood onto the white vinyl flooring.
“Yeah, not so tough now are you kid-” Chan throws the second punch of the fight, hitting the older man in the eye and sending him into the wall of the corridor. He feels the punch in his hand and curses his lack of coordination, that punch to the face really knocked him off balance. “Yah!” Siwon lunches for him and grabs him by the collar while shoving him into the wall, “you’re done, kid! You hear me? I’m gonna end you and your-”
“What the hell is going on here?” a booming voice shouts down the corridor and Chan closes his eyes in defeat. Shit, not them, Chan thinks as he turns his gaze to where Seungcheol, red in the face, stands, flagged by Soonyoung and Junhui.
“Your member hit me!” Siwon shouts as he pulls away from Chan, straightening out his own collar and pointing an accusatory finger at Chan, “completely unprovoked! he’s crazy!”
Chan’s hyungs come up to stand in front of him, effectively blocking him from Siwon even as they turn to look at him judgingly, so willing to believe their sunbae over him. “Chan, is this true?” Chan stares baffled at Seungcheol, mouth falling open at the question, “of course not!”
“I’m gonna have a black eye because of you! How am I supposed to explain that to my sponsors?” Chan scoffs and spits blood on the ground, “I’m sure they’ll be more than happy to end their partnerships with you once they find out what type of person you are.”
“Enough!” Seungcheol roars and some of Chan’s bravado falls away as he shrinks further behind Junhui and Soonyoung, “hyung-”
“If your member apologizes, I’m willing to let this go, no police involved,” it’s almost perverse the way Siwon’s brows draw together in an attempt at an empathetic expression, it looks as if he’s never expressed those feelings before and Chan can’t believe his hyungs are falling for it.
"You’d like that wouldn’t you? Keep this quiet and under wraps, huh?” Seungcheol grabs his arm hard enough to hurt and Chan winces as he meets his leader’s eyes, “do it,” he hisses and Chan’s eyes widen as he tries to pull away. “No-”
“Do. It,” Seungcheol’s nails bite into the skin of Chan’s underarm and he lowers his gaze to avoid seeing the disappointment in his hyung’s eyes. Instead he shifts his gaze to Siwon who’s now staring at him with a smirk on his lips, fully enjoying Chan’s predicament and his submission. “I’m sorry,” Chan murmurs and sniffles as more blood flows down his nose, staining his white rented performance jacket; Seungcheol won’t be the only one killing him after this.
“What was that? Didn’t quite catch that,” Siwon cups a hand around his ear and leans in. Fucking sadist. “I’m sorry for hitting you, sunbaenim. I must've misunderstood your conversation and was too hasty with my actions, it won’t happen again,” he bows as little as he can get away with without being too disrespectful and watches as the blood from his nose paints the floor beneath him.
“See that it doesn’t,” is all Siwon says before he turns on his heels and storms down the corridor out of sight. The three of them stand there in a standstill for a few seconds in pure silence before Seungcheol shakes the shock off of himself and starts pulling Chan with him toward their dressing room.
“Hyung-”
“Shut up,” Seungcheol practically snarls at him as they continue toward the door with their name on it, Chan’s heart drops to his stomach at the tone of his leader. He’s really gone and done it now.
“Holy shit,” is the first thing Chan hears as they enter their dressing room where the rest of the members are lounging around on the couches and chairs. “Oh my god,” someone whispers, suddenly a towel is being pressed up against Chan’s nose and he groans in pain, “ouch, hyung,” he says to no one in particular as he holds the towel closer, feeling well and truly pathetic.
Seungcheol lets go of his death grip on Chan’s arm to throw both of his hands up into his own hair, gripping the strands tightly. “What happened?” Jeonghan asks, coming to stand next to Seungcheol with a hand around his waist to try and calm the older man down.
“Yeah, Chan, what the fuck happened?” you can hear a pin drop with the way the room falls silent, the times Seungcheol has used this kind of tone are far and few apart but never for nothing. Chan licks his bloody lips and looks away in shame, he never meant for any of this to happen.
“No, come on now, speak up, what the hell was that?” Jeonghan’s hand tightens around Seungcheol’s waist but Seungcheol doesn’t let up. Chan breathes deeply and rolls his shoulders, stiff from tension and the lingering adrenaline, “he was saying stupid shit.”
He looks around the room as huffs of disbelief echo around him, “so that gives you the right to punch a sunbae? What the hell is wrong with you?” Soonyoung hisses from beside him and Chan bristles with indignation at the accusation in his hyung’s voice, “you don’t even know what he said!”
“It doesn’t matter! You don’t get to beat someone up over it, you’re lucky he was kind enough to let you off the hook!” Chan lowers the towel to stare at Seungcheol with outrage, “lucky? You think I’m lucky-”
“Yes!” Seungcheol takes a step closer to Chan, making Junhui put a hand on Chan chest as if he’s worried Chan’s gonna do something stupid like attack his leader, Chan’s too shocked to say anything about it. “That guy could've called the police on you for assault, don’t you get that?”
“It would've been worth it.”
Seungcheol mutters something about him being unbelievable and turns away from him, Chan takes the moment of freedom away from that disappointing gaze to spit out a glob of bloody saliva on the floor, groaning when more immediately fills his mouth. “Jesus,” someone- Jisoo hyung, his brain supplies after a second long delay- mutters, disturbed by the violence evident on their maknae’s face.
“Don’t tilt your head up, you’re just gonna end up swallowing all the blood, damn he got you good,” Soonyoung chastises him, pulling him upright and tilting his head down by gripping him by the hair, causing Chan to wince.
“Hyung, we should let someone take a look at that, it looks broken,” Wonwoo’s worried voice breaks through the otherwise still room and Seungcheol turns back around with his hands on his hips, “that can wait.”
“He’s in pain,” Wonwoo argues weakly and Chan tries to shoot him a grateful look but Wonwoo averts his gaze quickly, “yeah, well he should’ve thought about that before he attacked someone,” Seungcheol snaps, expression thundering and Chan has had enough of this.
“You don’t even know why I did it!” he exclaims loudly, voice pleading for someone to understand him, to be on his side. “Then tell us!” Seungcheol shouts back, shrugging off Jeonghan’s placating hands and moving up into Chan’s space, successfully shutting him in in the circle the rest of them have unknowingly created around him. “Tell us what was so bad that you had to go and assault someone, selfishly putting not only your reputation and career on the line, but all of ours as well! Please, Chan, please enlightens us on what was so horrible that you almost ended Seventeen-”
“He was talking shit about you and Jeonghan hyung!” Chan interrupts loudly, his chest heaving from how heavy his breathing has gotten throughout the scolding of his life. He’s never seen his hyung this angry before and he can’t let him, or any of them, think his actions were that of an immature and selfish kid with no regard for anyone but himself.
“What?” Jeonghan’s timid voice sounds in the dressing room and Chan’s eyes flit over to where he’s standing slightly behind Seungcheol, a hand covering his mouth in shock.
“He was saying disgusting things about you two, about your relationship and about what the rest of us must think. You think I was just gonna let that slide?” Chan looks around the room desperately, searching for someone’s, anyone’s, understanding eyes but all he finds is shock and disbelief.
“Chan-ah,” Jeonghan mumbles quietly, his eyes watering as he stares at his youngest dongsaeng with a mix of incredulity and hope.
“I don’t care if he’s a sunbae or the president himself, no one gets to talk about you like that,” he adds earnestly, willing them to stop looking at him as if he’s a caged animal or a circus freak. The moment of silence stretches for a beat too long and Chan licks his bloody lips nervously, his face is really starting to hurt and his head aches from where he smacked it on the floor when the punch took him by surprise.
“Why do you care?” is what cuts the silence suddenly and Chan swivels his head to stare at Seungkwan incredulously, “what?”
“Why do you care? You’ve been avoiding them ever since they came out to us and now you’re suddenly, what? Defending their honour?” Seungkwan’s not pulling any punches and Chan thinks he would rather actually be punched again than listen to the words coming out of his friend’s mouth.
“That’s- that’s not true, hyung, I’ve been-”
“It kind of is, Chan-ah. I mean, up until right now I think a lot of us thought you were slightly homophobic, not gonna lie,” Hansol shrugs helplessly and some of the others nod along with him. Chan feels sick. He thinks he might actually throw up right where he’s standing as the words fully register, homophobic? Me? He flounders for a moment, his mouth gaping like a fish out of water as he tries to grasp what he’s just been told.
“I’m not!” he finally manages to get out, gasping for breath as he turns to face Seungcheol and Jeonghan who watch him stoically. “I’m not! I swear, hyung,” he drops his bloody towel on the floor and it lands with a splat at his feet. “I would never- I’ve never-” he fumbles for the right words and finds that he’s been rendered truly speechless. His breathing speeds up as he stumbles forward until he’s in front of the couple again, the couple consisting of two of his closest brothers and friends, two of the people that practically raised him, two of the people that he loves the most in the entire world.
He falls to his knees in front of them and clutches one of Seungcheol’s pant legs, “I swear, hyung! I swear to you,” Seungcheol’s eyes widen in shock at the display and he reaches down to grab Chan by the shoulders.
“None of that, gosh, Channie, none of that,” he mumbles worriedly and pulls the maknae up onto his feet, “you have to believe me, hyung” Chan cries and wipes his face, wincing as he makes contact with his nose.
“I do, hyung believes you, Channie,” he turns a helpless eye toward Jeonghan who’s watching them with tears trailing down his cheeks, “let's get that checked out first and then we can talk more at home, okay?” Seungcheol continues, rubbing Chan’s shoulders in what he hopes is a comforting manner.
“Hyung, I'm not homophobic. My first crush was a boy, I told you that, you remember, right? From school? I only told you,” Chan’s so desperate to be believed that he no longer cares who hears him, it’s true he only ever told Seungcheol that, back when he was a head shorter and only 12 years old. Confused and lonely without his parents there to guide him through the struggles of boyhood and teenagehood.
Seungcheol grabs his face gently, mindful of his nose and the blood smeared on his chin, “I remember Chan-ah, it’s okay, we’ll talk more later, I promise. Let’s get that looked at, huh, he really did a number on you.”
Chan sniffs and blinks rapidly to keep his tears at bay but they trail down unwillingly, Seungcheol is quick to wipe them away tenderly. “It’s alright Channie, everything’s okay, we’re okay,” this time when Chan meets his gaze he sees nothing but love and compassion in those eyes that just moments earlier had seemed to hate him.
Chan still feels like throwing up a little bit but at least he doesn’t think he’s about to have a heart attack anymore. Someone ushers him into a seat and as he falls into the chair another towel is being pressed to his face, “keep that there,” Jihoon orders him without truly sparing him a glance and Chan swallows his ‘thanks’. Seungcheol might say things are fine but he’s still got eleven other people to apologize to and he doesn’t think he’s fully up for it just yet, but neither are they it would seem.
They manage to pack up their belongings fairly quickly, shoving stuff into the wrong bags without a care and forgetting chargers stuck in the walls. “Let’s get you out of this before we leave,” Seungkwan mumbles as he starts to loosen the buttons on Chan’s jacket with nimble fingers. Chan chokes on his gratitude, this hyung who only moments ago seemed so incredibly disappointed with him is now helping him, he doesn’t feel like he deserves it.
“Lean forward, Chan-ah,” his Jun hyung mumbles from behind him and he does so without complaint. As they peel the jacket off of him he hears a sharp intake of breath from behind him, “did you hit your head?” Junhui asks with urgency and he feels rather than hears the way everyone stops to listen.
“When I hit the floor, yeah, why?”
“Your head’s bleeding,” Chan frowns and reaches up a hand to card through his hair, stopping once he grazes a tender spot, “ouch.” A hand slaps his away and then his arms are being pulled through the holes of a cardigan, it’s warm and soft and smells like home, Wonwoo’s cardigan.
“Come on, up you go, “Junhui mumbles and and before he knows it he’s being pulled through the hallways of the award show and into the back of a car, Minghao sliding into the driver’s seat with Jisoo by his side while Wonwoo slides into the backseat with him. “The others are gonna go home, we’ll go there after we’ve gotten you taken care of,” Jisoo tells him as Minghao swerves out into traffic, “hyung, that’s really not necessary, I’m-”
“You’re bleeding all over my leather seats Chan, it’s definitely necessary,” Minghao cuts him off, meeting his gaze with a piercingly sharp look in the rearview mirror. Chan looks away first, leaning his head back against the seat rest in defeat, “it’s a company car,” he mutters quietly, not willing to put up much more of a fight.
His respite lasts for all of the two seconds it takes before he starts choking and coughing on his own blood, “head forward,” Wonwoo scolds gently, folding a hand behind Chan’s neck as support and tilting him forward manually. “We’ll be home before you know it,” Chan can’t tell if he’s comforted or terrified by that notion.