Chapter Text
It’s been almost two years since David walked in on Ilya and Shane at the cottage leading Shane to come out to his parents and them having a meal of pasta and wine together. Ilya had gone on to play his final season with the Raiders before shocking the world with his decision to sign with the Ottawa Centaurs.
The TV hockey pundits and analysts and podcasters were thrown for a loop. Ilya Rozanov had officially lost his mind. Sure, it was more money, but was that all that motivated the Boston captain to betray his team?
The truth was a lot simpler, of course. Ilya Rozanov was in love. And they say that love makes fools of us all. In Ilya’s case though, love has made him smarter and more organised. He’s actually been maintaining his own personal calendar now, separating his darks and lights before doing the laundry and cooking when he’s home instead of getting takeout several times a week. No boyfriend of Shane’s could ever be a ‘fool’. Though Ilya hates to think of Shane having other boyfriends who are not him. Even imaginary ones.
Ilya is one step closer to the dream life with Shane that he’s been building in his head. A dream that he never ever thought would ever enter the realm of possibility. But it’s within grasp now and obviously Ilya is feeling some ways about it.
Ilya had hoped that he could lead the Raiders one last time to the playoffs. Even the Cup. Isn’t the goal of every professional hockey player? But doing long distance with Shane after they’d finally gotten together was harder than he ever imagined. He spent most of his time staring longingly at his phone hoping for a text or call from Shane and the rest of his time overexerting himself during games and practice to distract himself from the fact that he missed his boyfriend.
Text messages, late night phone conversations and occasional meetups–that worked just fine for years previously–were just not enough for Ilya anymore. He wants Shane. His presence. His warmth. His calm. His love. He wants it every minute of every day.
If his Boston teammates had noticed anything amiss, they hadn’t said much other than a few passing comments at the beginning of that final season. They’d always known that “Montreal Jane” is not a very safe topic to linger on for any of them. And they all have a very strong sense of self-preservation. They remember the brief moment in time in 2016 when their captain had been temporarily broken up with Jane and had made them bag skate daily till at least two of them threw up on the ice. Yeah no one wants a repeat of that.
By the end of that season, no one was really shocked that they had crashed and burned, losing even the wildcard spot in the playoffs they had spent a few weeks clinging to. Ilya had tried to rally the team but in the end it was too late to make a meaningful impact. The team did not seem to blame him for it though. And Ilya will forever be grateful for that. But it didn’t stop him from blaming himself.
He stayed on the ice for a long time after that last game against Florida (which Boston lost. He couldn’t even win them their final game of the season!). The game was on home ice and Ilya simply had too many feelings about saying “goodbye” to Boston, to this rink, to this team. Cliff and Connors had stayed with him doing loops on the ice while Ilya reminisced. He assumes they’d already put the pieces together. Their captain wasn’t usually a sentimental guy.
His mind was already made up though. He had no regrets about his decision. Shane was worth it. Shane was worth everything that could go wrong. He would move to another galaxy if it meant he could have Shane at the end. So yeah, nah. He doesn’t regret his choices.
It took him the longest time to realise it, but Boston never really felt like home. That title forever belonged to Shane. Shane who had always been in Ilya’s life, the entire time Ilya lived here. Their lives were entangled right from the start.
All of that didn’t change the fact that Boston had drafted him. Boston had bet on him, had given him an out from his life in Russia. That had been the goal since his mama had died and because of the Raiders he was able to achieve it. He won his first Cup with this team, for this city. So needless to say, it is special to him.
He stood there, at centre ice, staring at the 2014 MLH Cup victory banner hanging for the rafters, before he’d turned around and skated into the tunnel without looking back.
He’d known he was leaving for a year. But no one, not his team, not management, not the city was prepared when he announced that he would not be re-signing with the Raiders. If he thought the group chats and Twitter were bad when that became public knowledge, it was nothing compared to the reaction to the news that he’d signed with Ottawa of all places.
Ottawa! The team that had all but cemented their place at the bottom of the league. The team that had basically built a home and marked their territory in last place in the team standings for several years now. The Ottawa Centaurs had never won an MLH Cup. Ilya Rozanov could change that. After all, Boston wasn’t doing so hot when they had drafted Ilya either.
It would be a challenge, but Ilya was positive he could make it work. And if he couldn’t, it would still be okay. As long as he got to come home to Shane at the end of the day.
Being at the bottom of the league has its advantages as well–if you’re a glass half-full kind of person. There was nowhere to go but up. They’d also somehow managed to get excellent odds in the draft lottery and secured the number two draft pick. They’d picked Luca Haas, a Swiss phenom who they’d hoped would be an asset to the team’s first line as a RW. The city seemed happy to have him. And Ilya.
Ilya had been with the Centaurs for one season now and had just been named Captain. While the hockey team struggled with the hockey part of the job–literally their main job–they made up for it by being absolutely the best human beings. The only reason Ilya did not have it as bad as thought he would moving to Ottawa was that the entire Centaurs organisation was full of genuinely good people. They helped Ilya and their rookies transition with so much love and care. Ilya will never forget their kindness.
Everyone knew the team sucked. But the people who worked here loved their team. They were here, putting in their all for that very simple reason. It was admirable. And the only way Ilya and the team can repay their unending, unerring, unshakable devotion is to win them the Cup.
While Shane continued to captain the Metro’s into the playoffs, Ilya had struggled to play the season with a team who found it difficult to co-ordinate even the most simple of plays. The issue is that the veteran teammates have gotten so good at losing, they’ve accepted their role in the league. It's made them complacent. After all, some team has to be at the bottom. And it’s been them for a very long time. They’re happy to do their bit.
But this team had potential. Zane Boodram was a great LW. With him, Ilya and Luca on the first line, they were able to get more done for the Centaurs that ever before.
Ilya had spoken with the team’s coach at the end of his first season with them to develop some preliminary plans for the next. Brandon Weibe was young. Only 39. But he had the makings of a great coach. Even if his first year wasn’t a very successful one, everyone could smell the change in the air. Ilya hoped that the seasoned Centaurs players would feed off it. They needed it to motivate them to keep up their conditioning in the off season.
They need to make a strong start next season. With the plans that Weibe had put together with Ilya’s help during the meeting before they all took off for the summer vacations, Ilya felt the first stirrings of hope. Something he hadn’t experienced for a while.
Shane had put that real estate fetish of his to good use and found Ilya a beautiful home in Ottawa. Ilya loves it. It’s a refuge to come home to after each of their terrible losses had started stacking up. He loves this home even more when Shane is here. He would spend some of the summer here and when Shane was done with his season, they'd retreat to the cottage. Which was Ilya's favourite place in the world. He'd happily spend every summer there with Shane forever than go anywhere else in the world. All he had to do for now, was wait for Shane.
Yuna Hollander had started a group chat just after they’d first met Ilya at their cottage. It was simply called ‘The Hollanders’. When Ilya had edited the group name with a ‘+ Ilya’, Yuna had simply changed it back before pointing out that Ilya was a Hollander in all but name. She will never know this but Ilya had wept in his Boston kitchen when he’d seen that text. They used the chat for unconventional life updates (like that time David bought home a weirdly shaped potato and thought Shane and Ilya would enjoy seeing it too, to share recipes, gardening tips, book recommendations, TV show preferences (a conversation that devolved into an argument about the worst reality tv series, something only Yuna and Ilya seemed to have opinions about) and gossip on neighbours Ilya had never met yet somehow knew too may details about. Shane and Ilya also used it to provide details on how their respective seasons were going.
The Hollanders watched all of Ilya’s games during his final year in Boston, joining Shane in texting him their comments during and after the game. He’d never thought he'd ever hear Yuna say anything good about the Boston Raiders. But it wasn’t Boston she cared about. It was Ilya.
Now that Ilya plays with the Centaurs, in their hometown of Ottawa, Yuna and David show up to all of Ilya’s home games. Ilya was overwhelmed with their love and support. He wasn’t familiar with the feeling of having family in the stands but once he did, he was grateful for the presence. Yuna and David don’t make a big show of it. They can’t draw attention to themselves anyway. Win or lose, he’s always invited to dinner at their home after the game. It’s tradition now, along with watching Shane’s games together when Ilya’s not on the road. Sometimes they even come to his home for that.
It’s hard for all of them to have Shane away in Montreal.
But they’ve had Christmas’ together for two years now in Shane’s childhood home. It's grown to become some of the best parts of Ilya’s year. He was glad he had the opportunity to see first hand how loved Shane was growing up. The first Christmas Yuna had of course pulled out all the stops–and the baby photos of Shane. Shane walked around with a permanent blush for several days. It had been long days of baking, playing board games, watching Christmas movies while drinking a shocking amount of eggnog and hot chocolate and wearing matching pajamas.
These were all things Ilya would’ve laughed at before but not so much now that he felt part of a family and got to experience it all first hand. Now he’d say that “cliched” is fun. He didn’t know what it felt like to feel loved by family. To feel safe with family. They had opened their arms and their home to him. All because their son loves him. But he suspects it's also because they see just how much he loves their son. By the second Christmas, the one just passed, the family photos on their walls now included Ilya.
When Ilya had moved to Ottawa, Yuna and David had helped him literally move into his new home since Shane was on a long road trip of away games. They had divided and conquered. David had unpacked the kitchen, Yuna chose the trophy room and living room, while Ilya tackled the bedroom. The rest of the house could be unpacked in due time.
Shane had recommended the designer who had helped Shane with his apartment in Montreal. And she was only too happy to help. Ilya couldn’t exactly hide how much he appreciated not having to worry about what colour the couch should be, what artwork should go on the walls or how many pillows he requires on his bed. Though was tempted to tell her several times that the pillows on Shane’s bed were simply “too many”. He had no idea how to pass that message on without seeming suspicious about why he has such strong opinions about Shane’s pillows so he just mentioned that he prefers a maximum of four pillows on his own bed please and thank you.
David had cooked them a lovely pasta dinner after he was done with the boxes in the kitchen. And Ilya thought it would be awkward to spend all that time with Shane’s parents without Shane, but it wasn't. It took a couple of hours of adjustment, but Yuna hadn’t yet met a problem she couldn’t solve. So she took what little strangeness that they’d started that day off with and beat it into submission. By the end they'd opened a bottle of vodka and had retreated to the living room and allowed Ilya's questions about how Yuna and David had met and fell in love. He learnt more about McGill. Apparently it's a great place for hockey. But also a great place to fall in love. No wonder Shane was so defensive about it. Technically it was where his story had begun.
While Ilya played on a losing team, he and the rest of the hockey world watched as Shane Hollander continued to captain the Metros through yet another successful world. Ilya tried to not let it affect him, but he just couldn’t help it. He isn’t resentful of Shane’s success. If anything, he so so proud of his boyfriend and his commitment to his team and organisation. But while the hockey world spent the first few weeks of the season trying and failing to speculate the reason for Rozanov’s move to Ottawa, with each loss the Centaurs suffered, their efforts to unearth Ilya’s logic diminished. Till one day nobody cared anymore.
Ilya witnessed in real time, his own slow descent into irrelevance. And while hockey wasn’t everything to him, like it was to Shane, it was still a big part of his identity. Especially since he did not have Shane all the time yet.
While Shane is playing his way through the playoffs, for Ilya the darkness starts to sink in. It was slow at first and then all at once.
Before he really understands what’s happening he’s drowning in shame. The Centaurs have so much riding on him. They expect he’s going to skate them to the MLH Cup. What if he can’t do it? He only won Boston one Cup and it was years ago. How can they be so sure he is capable of doing it again?
With one measly Cup is he even worth being with the amazing Shane Hollander? Shane who is so kind, so talented, so beautiful, so brave. Shane has had such a lovely family to support him through his career. Yuna and David have raised the best, most well-mannered man Ilya has ever met and all the while Ilya ran wild on the streets of Moscow. And then Boston.
Ilya’s reputation will follow him wherever he goes. It will always taint him. And in association it will taint Shane. Ilya cannot live with the knowledge that he has in any way brought shame on Shane. He would rather die, than hurt Shane’s reputation and career in any way.
He doesn’t deserve Shane. He can’t believe he moved all the way to Ottawa thinking he could deserve Shane. It won’t be long before Shane realises that he bet on the wrong person. Ilya doesn’t deserve his love or his family. Or a place in his home.
Ilya doesn’t deserve all the ways Shane loves him.
Yet he will forever hold the pieces of Shane he has managed to gather, the sides of Shane that only he has had the privilege to see and treasure them till his last breath. The way Shane folds his clothes when he takes them off, the way he lines his soap, shampoo and conditioner in the shower, the way he arranges the refrigerator, the pantry and the dishwasher, his color coded calendar that now includes Ilya’s schedule as well, the way Shane smiles at him in the morning, and the way Shane looks at him when he comes. Like he’s looking at something holy. Like Ilya is someone to be revered and worshipped. It’ll probably be the thing that flashes before Ilya’s eyes as he’s dying.
Shane could do so much better than Ilya. Everyone who knows about them knows this. Hadn’t David asked Shane if there weren’t any good men in Montreal when he found out about their relationship? Even Shane’s parents knew he could do better than Ilya. Ilya knew Shane could do better than Ilya.
If Ilya were out of the picture, Shane would hurt for a little bit. But with his parent’s help he would move on. He would find someone who deserved him in a way Ilya never could.
So what’s the point of any of this? What’s the point of all this waiting? Of this emptiness he feels without Shane? What’s the point of holding on? Because the truth is that Ilya is clinging on so tight with both hands to this new life he’s been trying to create with Shane that his knuckles have gone white.
He’s not sure what day it is. He’s not sure if it’s night or day time. He hasn’t moved from his bed except to use the bathroom. The room is in total darkness. The blackout blinds they’d installed have been doing a remarkable job.
He stopped fighting the hollow feeling inside. If there was also any doubt before today that he’s like his mama, it’s gone now. He understands her more than he’s ever before.
Ilya has probably always had depression, but before now he was able to cover it up with vodka and with fucking his way through greater North America.
Now he still has the vodka but the only person he wants to be fucking, his brain has convinced him he does not deserve. He is inclined to agree. Shane Hollander is probably leading his team to another MLH Cup while Ilya is probably going to die in this bed, never to even see the Cup in person again.
So again he must ask. What is the point of still being here? What is the point of trying any more?
Ilya burrows deeper under the covers, hoping that he just ceases to exist and that no one would notice.
He’s so far gone, he doesn’t hear the doorbell, or Yuna Hollander’s first use of her emergency key to enter his home.